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Chapter 1: What is Are You Garbage about?
Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
Chapter 2: Who are the hosts of this episode?
Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Are You Garbage? Oh, yeah. It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find that it's a good to be classy or to just a big old piece of trash. Trash, trash, trash. I'm your host, Tate Sully, coming at you on a beautiful day, 2025, baby. The year of the Kia. Look out.
Out here at Aunt Tootie's out in the new edition. She's upstairs in the K-Hole. It's a long New Year's Eve for Tony. Sure. It's from our good friend Charles Terry over there on the old Patreon. My co-host is coming at you from across the table. He is the CEO of Are You Garbage? He is an international businessman and one of the top 25 executives in the year 2025, Kevin James Ryan.
Wow, they're already giving that award out two days into the year. Good for them. You're killing it, buddy. I had a good day. Shout out to you. First quarter's looking all right. What's up, everybody? Thanks for tuning in. As always, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube. And obviously, the greatest website of all time. Talk to me.
Starting off the year with a bang. Go over to www.patreon.com. Slash all your garbage. You get all that bonus content. Plus, you get to ask your garbage question on the air. I wanted to ask you this, kicking off the year. Oh, God. I might be switching over. Okay. What? This could be anything. It could be, like, underwear. It could be, like, some sort of diet. I'm going all mortadella this year.
Chapter 3: What garbage questions can you ask the hosts?
Some sort of cheese product. Which is really just fancy bologna. Sure. Can I tell you that? Have you ever had mortadella? No. You haven't. I mean, I have. I don't like it. How do you not like that? I don't know what to tell you. Lucas?
Scares me.
Yeah. Looks like something from Goosebumps. Date an Italian chick at high school. Never look back. Can't go near an eggplant parm. Is it trashy? I think I know what your stance is on this. Uh, there's really two kinds of guys out there in the world. And I think I'm becoming... Dude, your fingernails are so dirty. It's crazy. I just clocked that. That's bad. What were you doing?
Cleaning out the chimney for Santa Claus? That's crazy. What were you doing? You're just rolling like that? I get a little dirt under my nails. That's right. Goddamn working man. Oh, man. I don't know how they got like that. That's a lot of soot or poop. One or the other. Scratching coal. Oh, man. All right. God bless your wife. I know how you... Can I get some gloves?
Are you climbing a volcano in Hawaii? That's crazy. I know how you probably feel about this. Do you, Vesuvius? Who's Vesuvius? Mount Vesuvius. I was thinking Vesuvios. I know you are because you're addicted to Sopranos. Next. I'm old school, Kippy. I'm old school. I'm a dirtbag, Kippy. Listen. Mm-hmm. I assume you were a brush family growing up. What's that mean? Hairbrush. Hairbrush?
We didn't, like, all sit down like Marsha Brady and do a hundred strokes. But, I mean, yeah, there was hairbrushes in the house. Hairbrush or comb? Is comb the trashier of the two utensils? I think it combs classier. Really? Yeah, because a comb is typically carried with you. That's not classy. No, yeah. Yes. No, that's a grooming tool. The bird has a really nice comb, and I've been using it.
Not to clean your fingernails. My pubes are straight as an arrow. We were brush. I just had my older sister, so it was like I used her brush. Me, her, and Danny had a bathroom, so I just used that. She's the only one that had a brush. Yeah, I wasn't buying a brush. There was brushes in the house. I like a comb these days, but I think it's trashy. Shit. Sure. You get what I'm saying?
The only other person I know that uses a comb is Cousin Ian for his mustache. Sure. Who knows what else? Oh, God. That kid. Comb out his butthole. My dad had that one that was like fake wood. A comb? No, a brush. Oh, those are great. Yeah. Fake? Oh, I know what you're talking about. And he would blow dry his hair every morning. Get it going. Get it going back. Get the wings going.
Your dad was blow drying? Yeah, every day. What is he, from the birdcage? What? Yeah. I've never heard of that. A dad blow drying their hair. Yeah. Holy shit. He had his dungarees on. He had a blue Russell sweatshirt, a crew neck, never a hoodie. Couldn't catch the old man in a hoodie. That was for hippies and skaters. Draft dodgers. He was a Russell crew neck, which I loved.
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Chapter 4: What childhood memories do the hosts share?
That was probably so staticky in the winter. Uh-huh. And I never liked that he took me to a different barber.
Start the car with that.
He took me to a different barber than he went to. I didn't like that. He went to Charlie's, and I went to the, what is it, Deflected? What is a brother that don't talk? The family broke up. Deflected. Estranged. Defected? Defected. Yeah. He defected. The one brother went off on his own, started his own shop, and I would go there, see Jim or Mark. Mark owns it now.
Maybe he did that because he wanted to spread the cash around a little bit. Nah, because they beefed. They didn't like each other. He still went to Charlie's down here on Busselton. Would you go there with your dad when he would get a haircut? Yeah, go to Charlie's. And sit in a chair. Sit there. He'd get trimmed up. But then wouldn't let you get a haircut there? I'd go to Jimmy.
We weren't on the same schedule. Man, this guy didn't like you. He does not now. I know that for a fact. I haven't talked to him in a decade.
anyway i'm a comb man now i think okay i like it feels good all right yeah do it when i get out of the shower brush my mane uh yeah okay but the question is what is trash here i don't think uh lucas i think it depends on the guy yeah it depends on the guy depends on how old the utensil the instrument is i mean it's are you a private eye or what Yeah, I don't know. Okay.
I remember I had a brush for a long time. It had a lot of product on it. You ever wet it and smash it down and clean it? No. And I remember the first time Nadine came over was like, what the fuck is that? I didn't know you had a horse. Yeah, dude. It looked bad. It had like globs of whites. It was bad. It was bad. It's just one of those things I don't look at.
It's like you've been brushing a boar. What? Who brushes a boar? I don't know. If you have one. You got to keep it clean. Keep that coat jiving. Yeah. Get some egg yolk on there. Uh-huh.
Anyway, that's neither here nor there, gang. This is what we call a family episode. Just the boys, the bozos, and the homies.
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Chapter 5: How do the hosts define trashy vs classy?
Yeah.
To be honest with you. We were pretty good for like three years, maybe, until I was like three. Then I had the divorce. It went bad. Just separating the mess and stuff. Sure. It was real hairy. Yeah. Then it was pretty not... Fantastic. It was like single mom driving a bravado, working the graveyard. No, at that point, she had the Taurus.
I mean, at that point, that was the young days where the Taurus and she traded in for a used Sebring convertible. Had that for about a decade. Then the bravado. Yeah. And it was a lot of smelly fat kid in the house. Latchkey kid. Then I think they pulled out of it. Probably high school, like, late high school into college-y. Okay. But, yeah.
Usually after, when the kids are in college or out of college, if the parents had the kids young, they kind of hit, like, a little bit of a glow-up for a minute. Well, yeah, I mean, I also think, too, like, yeah, my sister's out. She's no longer financially responsible. My brother's out. I'm still in both. But at that point, I'm prime dirtbag at that point. I'm prime scumbag.
I mean, I got the Chevy Lume going. Sure. I'm bumping 50 Cent. Sure. Heavy, smoking Marlboro Milds, going after it. Going for gold, dude. Smoking Camel Wives. Cargo sweatpants all day long. Rocking them. Bad hoodies. Smelly butthole. Oh, man. But no, I turned when I think I was around nine when I drank a whole bottle of cough medicine. Robo-tripping? Yeah. Uh-huh. That was the turn for me.
I told you this. Patty had to hold me down on the floor. She pinned me down like a wrestler, put her knees on my arms, and dumped Ipecac down my throat. And when they asked me why I did it, I said the devil made me do it. Jesus. Devil going down to Georgia. I've told you this, haven't I? I said it in front of her and like three of my aunts, and they all blessed themselves at the same time.
She like brought them over. Your head starts spinning around. Oh, fuck yeah. I mean, I don't remember this story, but if you have told me that story, I for sure made that same joke. Yeah. Yeah, she brought all my aunts over because my cousins were still living next door, and they were different parts of the family. They were aunts on my mom's side and aunts on my dad's side. That's bad.
Yeah, they brought them all over.
They're crossing lines because they don't like each other.
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Chapter 6: What funny stories do they tell from their past?
Can't find your shoes. A little bit of sunburn. Probably this bathing suit's probably a little damp. That's all right. Unless you're doing this in, like, February, which is a tough one. Can't find my shoes. Yeah, that's, man, those summers were great, just not wearing shoes at all. I'm pro barefoot. Even when I was just on vacation, you'd go into that pool bathroom. I'd go in barefoot.
100%.
I'm not finding my shoes. Love walking around barefoot. I love being... I remember for a while... There was like two or three summers where I hit my peak of strength and how much heat I could take on my feet to the point that like other people whose feet weren't as... Hold on, hold on. This is from Delonious Funk. Is it garbage to brag to people about your high pain tolerance?
I do that all the time. Oh my God, dude. That means you got nothing else going on. That means you got jack shit you're proud of, and you're going, man, my feet, whoo, I tell you, unlike anybody else's feet. I had a summer where I was the king. People were like, oh, my God, I can't believe you can stand that. I'd be like, I don't even feel it. Uh-huh. I'm paying for it now.
Weird shit on the bottom of my feet now. Little warts and shit. Uh-huh. It's weird. But, no, I say that all the time about I could take a needle and not even stress it. Yeah, I mean, needles are... But I would never shoot heroin. That's not like a million people get needles an hour. A lot of people pass out. They don't like it. Yeah, but that's more mental.
That's not pain.
I don't even flinch, though. You're still doing it. Shut up. No one cares. This is so... Dude, you're still going, I don't even blink. I don't even know that they did it. Yeah, man. It's like... Go get a safety pin. Don't. What are you, Steve-O? Don't. Stick it in my eye. Ah! You just start screaming. See? Barely moved. Is it in? I didn't even know. That's funny. Two home runs.
Man, talk about getting. You just got sniped. And yes, that is. That's the first time that's ever happened. I'm like, it's happening. It's happening. It's happening. Buying Sig's barefoot. Buying Sig's barefoot is that's... You don't got a care in the world, but that's falling down around you. Yeah, your pop, that car's still running. Oh, yeah. Driving barefoot, too.
That's the thing I had to learn because I don't use my foot. I usually use my big toe because you can't... Because the toes aren't united. You know what I mean?
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Chapter 7: What are the weirdest items found in a flooded room?
So in a shoe, they are, but... Which I was always told that's illegal, but I used to love doing it. I don't think it's illegal. Goddamn America. Let me do whatever the hell I want. My car.
If you get out of like if you were somewhere where if you're like a wedding or a funeral and you had to wear dress shoes and your feet or dogs are really barking that ride home in the fucking car with your shoes off.
letting them breathe i don't want thin dress socks yeah feel the breeze on them kid what's baby oh baby king of the draft go birds playoffs are coming up go over to draft kings and get your bets in gang scoring touchdowns is the key to winning the playoffs and you can score big by betting on them at draft kings the number one place to bet touchdowns betting touchdowns now what are we
That's how you keep the action going, dude. Bet the small stuff, daddy. Yeah, what are you, betting on the end of the game?
What are you talking about?
Get the coin flip in there. I might not be around for the end of the game. Get the juice lined up. Yeah. DraftKings Sportsbook is an official sports betting partner of the NFL. Ever heard of it? Yeah. How you doing? New DraftKings customers can bet $5 to get $200 in bonus bets instantly. I'm going to say that again. New DraftKings customers can bet $5 to get $200 in bonus bets instantly, baby.
Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app and use the code AYG. That's code AYG for new customers to get $200 in bonus bets instantly when you just bet $5. Only on DraftKings Sportsbooks. The crown is yours. Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER. In New York, call 877-8-HOPE-NY or text HOPE-NY, which is 467-369. If you're in Connecticut, help is available for gambling problems.
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Let's talk about the sweaty, stinky nudge. Or the grundle. Or the under the belly. I'm on the sides. I'm between the thigh meat and my pubic region. That's nasty. You know what will clean that up? A little Mando. Keep you smelling fresh all day. I don't know why somebody didn't think of this earlier. I know. It's nuts. What are we doing here? It's crazy. All over body deodorant.
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Chapter 8: What are the hosts' thoughts on pain tolerance bragging?
Okay.
This guy had paddles. That's tight. It was all right. Like a video game. Felt like I was flying the Millennium Falcon. Meanwhile, I was like a 92 Corolla. Stole the change out of that thing for sure. Go get myself a hot dog at the cafeteria. That's what we would do. Oh, yeah. We got caught a couple times. There was more change in here. I don't know, man. Taxing that ass. Counting their change.
People, I mean, sometimes went a little heavy. What do you got?
It seems like a radio. Mostly pedal extenders, not the paddles. Maybe this guy was ahead of the curve.
Or really behind. Sure. You don't know. Um, also to the bragging about pain tolerance is such a man that is such like a, that's in the realm of like how much you can lift, how much you can lift or like, you know, uh, that's like your dog's part wolf. That's, that's all in that kind of like thing that you can't really prove, uh, You know what I mean? It's funny you mention that.
Or like, my uncle had to put his arms, you know, register his arms as lethal weapons or whatever. It's all that kind of shit, you know? It's all like this braggadocious thing about nothing. I kind of want a wolf. I would love to get a baby wolf and raise it. Where? In your apartment in Queens? They seem pretty cool. If you raise them from as a baby, I don't think they bite you.
You ever see how big those fuckers get? Yeah, compared to like a regular dog. Crazy. Uh-huh. Some guy in Russia has one.
They drank those things up.
Yeah, they're all doped up. Same with them bears. Them bears are on fucking fentanyl. I would love to have a bear cub for like a couple of weeks just to give it snuggles. Okay. But I heard they smell. Yeah, what are you talking? There's like bacteria in their mouth and shit. Komodo dragons.
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