Vanessa B. Bonds

And people also worry that it's going to kind of damage the relationship with the other person.

I think there's a sense of like I am worthy as long as people need me.

we actually overestimate how much people are disappointed by getting a referral, right?

And so that that concern is often bigger in our own heads than it is for the other person.

And so if it was purely other-oriented, right, it might be best for the other person for you to refer them elsewhere.

And yet we hold on to that request and we feel like we need to take it on ourselves.

Absolutely.

There is so much sort of advice and information out there for how to get better at saying no.

And we tend to put so much pressure on the person who has to say no to be the one to manage that.

Right.

To come up with, you know, we have these strategies like you and I have been talking about, but there's a responsibility on the people asking to ask in ways that aren't coercive.

We found that when you give people the words to say no, that they don't necessarily say no more, although maybe a little bit.

But the big thing is they feel more like they could have said no, right?

It feels more voluntary when they do agree.

So making a request and saying, you know, let me know tomorrow or let me know when you've had some time to think about it.

And asking over email is much less coercive than asking in person.

And so I often give the advice of if someone asks you something in person, face to face, ask them if you could take some time and respond over email.

Say, I'll think about that a little bit.

I'll send you an email with my answer tomorrow or whatever it is.

So that is kind of getting you out of that pressure zone, giving you some time to think, actually make a mindful decision about what you want to do and then respond to them in a way that you feel good about.