Vanessa B. Bonds

wow, Adam Grant sent me a really nice email back.

He couldn't do it, and that's fine.

I mean, he's really busy.

So I think understanding that people don't necessarily expect a yes, and they're pleasantly surprised when you do say yes.

I think that's just an important thing to know.

So when I go to the grocery store, they always ask for donations.

And I always say, oh, I've already given this year.

And that makes me feel like, OK, I've said I'm a generous person.

You know, I've declined nicely, but it's a clear no.

So one thing a lot of women I know do is they'll have a list of all the things that they have agreed to.

And so they'll say, you know, I would love to do this, but I'm doing one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, you know, all these other things.

And that shows like, look at how giving and communal and cooperative I've been.

I'm a major contributor to this organization, but I just can't say yes to this.

I have too much on my plate.

So when somebody asks for your help, you can give it yourself or you can help that person sometimes just as well as if you did it yourself by referring them to another person.

You could say, you know, I could help you, but actually my colleague knows even more about that and I'd be happy to refer you to them.

But research has shown that we really don't like to do that.

We worry, first of all, that it's going to make us look incompetent.

Right.

So that kind of gets at this idea of like my reputational concerns.