Jessica Kirson
Appearances
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
I ran like I was in the Olympics. I'm not even kidding. The dog was behind my leg. I'll never forget this. It was like... Right behind my leg. And I was screaming. I was like, ah! And my friend, there was no cell, I hate saying shit like this because it makes me sad, but there were no cell phones. I was a child.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
And I was screaming and my friend Gail's door was open and my friends came to the door and all they saw was me screaming like a fucking lunatic with a dog right behind me. I cannot believe I wasn't bitten. I don't know what happened. Do you ever go through that? I was like, something happened where my legs moved so fast. It's really weird.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
I'm not kidding that it didn't bite my leg, but I flew into the house and they slammed it and the dog didn't get in.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Yeah, I think it wasn't great. It was my fault because I was carrying a raw steak. You know what I'm saying?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
I know, but I don't, like other stuff I'll eat more rare, like a hamburger and stuff, but with steak I just, I like it, yeah.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Yeah. Yeah? I like shit steak, though. I don't have to go to, like, a steakhouse. You know what I'm saying? I'm kind of right there with you. Like, I'll go to Applebee's and get a steak. Ketchup?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Really? I put ketchup on everything. That's pretty. Yeah, I do. Okay. All right.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
I eat eggs with ketchup. I eat everything with ketchup. Scrabies? How do you like your eggs? You know what I do? I mix ketchup and mayo together. Have you ever had that?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
It's fucking amazing. My kids call it pink sauce. And it's so good. And I love everything with that. I'll dip a cracker into that. I fucking love it. Any kind of eggs, really.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Wow. Thank you so much. There she is. Thank you. Look at you. A killer. Wow, I feel... What the hell was that? I feel unsafe. Yeah, that was such a weird pause. We all thought we were all going there. Give her a hand. Yay.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Scrambled or... You're not doing poached. Can you imagine? I guess some people do that. Yeah, poached are great.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
They're good, but I'm not going to spend that much energy. I eat over in the pan. I'm really... I am disgusting. You eat over in the pan? I eat standing up. Yeah. I don't like put it on a plate and go like we're comics, too. You know, I'll put my food on the bed in the hotel and just eat from the plate.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
No, I did those for a fucking 20 year. I'm not doing it anymore. I'm not. That's the one thing. I get it. That and taking like an Uber. I'm like, I deserve to steal a Uber.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Now, do I stay in like a fucking Ritz? I don't think I'd ever do that, even if I was making millions and millions and millions. But I'll stay in like a... Like a Marriott or something a little nice. It has to be now. It has to be.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Yeah. It depends if I have, like, you know, shitty underwear on the floor or stuff like that. No. Hey, me too. Sorry about that. I don't let them in normally now just because I have privacy issues. Sure. Like, this is from doing stand-up for 26 years. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Yes. Okay. All right. Yeah. I'm not like, I don't care about that shit. That's probably why I have athlete's foot or whatever the fuck it is. Chlamydia. Fair enough.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
I don't pay for a first class ticket, but I get bumped up a lot on Delta.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
No. I always have snacks. First of all, I'm a mom and I'm Jewish, so we always have food on us in case we get taken away again.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
We're going to be all right. I love that you say goldfish.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
I have a challah. Some people are like, what do you mean taken away? What happened? So, yeah, no, I always do have, but I've always been like that even before I was a mom. I always had food on me. What are the preferred snacks? Very interesting. Cheez-Its, combos, goldfish. What are we talking? I love everything you just said. I fucking love. Okay. Anything crunchy, cheesy.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
No, combo over a Cheez-It. Combo over a Cheez-It. Cheez-Its. You heard it here first, gang. I love Cheez-Its, too. I have them at home, but I love combos. They're something dirty. They're like a dirty little whore, a combo. They are dirty. They have the dust.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
But they also have a prize inside. Like you get the cheese, you get the fucking pepperoni.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Oh, that's a really hard one. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I mean, oh my God, that's hard. I love all of them.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
I love salt and vinegar. I love sour cream and onion.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
It's been a while. I'm so glad to be here. I was like, I've been dying to do it again.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Salt and vinegar is gross. I fucking love them.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Don't listen to him. I like the plain potato chip, like the oily plain potato chip.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
I love Cape Cod. Home run. Yeah, home run. But I do like just the Utz plain potato chip.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Yeah, those are good, the thin foil. Those are always good. I love a Dorito. I mean, I'm doing Doritos. Are you kidding? I love Doritos.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
I like the plain, but I like the blue, you know, whatever.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
I'm not really into spicy, like really spicy. The spicy nacho, the chili lime. Because I want to slam them into my mouth.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
I love Bugles, but I don't eat them a lot, but I love them. You put them on your fingers. I used to.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
And my toes. That might be the other reason. I love Bugles. Do you like Funyuns? Of course. Not a Funyun man. I love Funyuns. Love them. Me too.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
I'm doing a Diet Coke. My favorite is Diet Sprite, Sprite Zero. It's amazing. What the fuck? What are you, in the X Games? Who does that? It's very... Sprite zero. I like it that... You know what I like? That no one knows what it is. No one, no one. Yeah, more for me. You know what? It's very carbonated, and I like when it hurts.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
I love fast food. I take my kids a lot. Okay. And I will eat what they're eating. But I don't. I mean, I used to all the time. Then this is embarrassing. But I would go on the Jersey Turnpike. All the time. And go through drive-thrus, just service areas, fucking drive-thrus, and get like 15 things. I'm not even kidding.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Great. It's amazing. Roy Rogers made a mean hamburger. And don't get upset, because I would never do this now, but I would eat everything, like shove it in, and then I would throw up.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
It was a different time. It was the 80s. It was.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Yeah, exactly. Crazy. I have a huge thing with littering now, but I had to get rid of the evidence.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Just a plastic straw with a turtle attached to it.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
I think it would be like McDonald's. I mean, it has to be. Classic. Classic lady. If I were to say my favorite one.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Okay. I feel that's the right answer. I like Pizza Hut, but I really love Domino's. People either like it or they don't. I've always liked it.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
I can move this side to side. I can move my fingers.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Yeah, it's familiar. Yeah, you're just like, ah. It's comfortable. I feel like that with you guys. You're a lighthouse. Yeah, yeah. I don't feel like that with everybody, but I really feel like that with you guys. Thank you. Like we were in rehab together.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
This is going to be sad to people. I work so much that I literally barely take a vacation. And if I take a vacation, it's I have a show.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
But I think the last one was to the Berkshires in Massachusetts.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Very nice. Yeah, I grew up going there every summer and stuff like that. Berkshires. Yeah, but it's very hard for me to take a vacation and not work.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
I go, but I don't like it. You don't like it? There's many things I don't like about it.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Yes. Okay. Are you kidding me? I'd rather a buffet than anything. Okay. Just take whatever I want.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Exactly. Yeah. And everyone else is eating a ton. It's, yeah. But the beach, I don't know. I don't love the ocean. I go in it if I can see- I'll tell you why. I go in it if I can see what's under me, but I was bitten by a jellyfish once.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
No, I love animals. The ocean is so powerful to me. It's so much bigger than me, and it frightens me, but I go in it.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
yeah i'd hurt a lot where was this in florida i was a kid in florida also one time i was um my i went in st thomas my father was out of his mind like very funny but he would pull pranks and do that was like a lot when you're a kid so he was in the boat and i was gonna water ski and i looked down and there were literally a hundred porcupine fish and i had a nervous breakdown like i was like no
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
No wonder why I'm a comedian. Sure, I would freak out. But that fucking scared me.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Yeah, it was a lot. Out of water skiing. And I was on the road. Like, if they didn't. Like, I didn't know what to do because my legs were up. The toes were out. Yeah.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
That's a big enough shark. Oh, my God. Yeah.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
I grew up eating, literally eating that like almost every night.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Because my kids. Gotcha. Yeah, my daughter likes it. Okay. Huh. Yeah. Not bad. I like binoculars. I don't know what the fuck I just said. That should have been the name of my special. I like binoculars. I feel like everyone will watch it if I say it.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Yep. Okay. I just spilled seltzer on myself. I've been to a TJ Maxx because I've been looking for clothes.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Yeah. Why not? I'm just asking. No, I'm saying like I feel like those places sometimes have better stuff than the nice.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
New t-shirts. I need new t-shirts. You go in with a direction. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Very good. Because there's so many things in there I wouldn't wear. It's chaotic. Yeah.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Right. There's different things. It's not a remedy, but if you want something to happen when you're Jewish, my mother always says to turn a glass over. Really? That's a big thing if you want something to work out.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Yes, yes. Also, there's also the chicken broth thing is the healer for everything. Chicken soup. Oh, sure, sure. For any cold, any fucking thing. Like, if you have, because I have syphilis now, I should make chicken broth.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Um, also tea bags for hemorrhoids or for, um, if you have a sty in your eye, warm tea bag. Yeah. I mean, actually a man teabagging me. No. Could you imagine you have a hemorrhoid and you have a guy sit on your face?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Yeah, you're supposed to, like, it works for anything that's swollen or irritated. You guys are going to have tea bags on your assholes tonight.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
I'm not a big spender. I have this huge bag that Brian Morton, who you know. Yes.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
He's great. He does all my stuff online. And he brought me this bag one time for merch because he had to get something to me. And it's this enormous red plastic bag, like enormous. And it has a skull on it. Wait, is that your luggage? It's so drug-like. But every time I have it in the airport, people are like, that's fucking amazing luggage. Sick bag, yeah. You got it for like $20 at Target.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Whoa. Yeah. I just use random bags. I'm not- That's insane. For as much as you travel? Like the wheels could be broken and I'm still dragging something sideways down. Yeah, I'm trying to get better with this stuff. I have a very hard time buying things for myself. I will buy anything for anyone, but- Yeah.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
I go to like usually, well, I order it online a lot now, to be honest with you, Amazon Fresh and shit like that. But I'll go to like Stop and Shop. Stop and Shop, okay. If I were in Jersey, I'd go to ShopRite. That was my- Shout out ShopRite. Great.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Two, three times. When you're in a relationship, you have to brush your teeth. Sure. Unless you're married. Okay. Then you let go of all of that. You don't care what you look like or smell like.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
I used to use Scope. Scope. That's delicious. Yeah, it is. Oh, man.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Yeah, it's like getting that high. You just don't want anyone to talk to you. Chasing the dragon. Yeah, yeah.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Thank you. I don't think it's athlete's foot because I can barely get out of bed, but my toes are very dry and itchy. There's something. I think because they've been in so many vaginas.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
What? I know. I knew you guys were going to say that. What? Because I need to get an assistant. You're taking your shoes off at the airport? No. I have clear. Okay. Oh.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
No, but I just got an email about clear, you know, with the, what the fuck it's called. I can't remember what you just asked me. TSA pre-check. Yeah, TSA pre-check. Like, pre-check clear.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Yeah, yeah. No, I seriously noticed that yesterday. I'm like, oh my God, I have very dry, flaky toes.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
No. I mean, sorry, for a long trip I do. Long flight. Cross country. I will never take my socks off. I think that is absolutely disgusting.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
That's funny. The changer. Because I used to say the clicker. And now I say remote. But I used to. For years I said the clicker.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Are you a racist? That is... Crown sounds like you have a slate, like it's bad. He doesn't like purple. I have a very Jersey accent, though. I say coffee. Coffee. Coffee. Yeah, I say coffee. Coffee's good. That's not bad. But you guys are from Philly, so you could be saying that, too.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
No, I don't take care of myself. I really don't.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Sometimes, like if it's a small thing, I'm being honest, yeah. I've sometimes, if I'm out in public, I'll spit it.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
I think that's for men. No, I throw them out. You throw them out? Or in the toilet, yeah. Oh, okay.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Well, no, not if you're like, if you have a small nail. No, I don't think so.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
I actually have an amazing thing that my sister got me on Amazon because she ordered, when I moved to my apartment, she ordered me a ton of shit.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
I'm sorry, but that's really great. Yeah. It's like a briefcase and it has like 50 of every kind of battery. It's great. We need one of those. Get one for the studio. We're a goddamn production company. It's so good. It comes in a red case. It's great.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Yes. Huh. Like once a year. Once a year. Yeah. Yeah. No, I'm really like lazy when it comes to like creaming myself. I'm trying. I really am. You don't have a skin routine?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
I use a Delta Amex, and I use a Chase card, business card.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
I use the points on Delta, but I don't use... You guys are reading my mind because I just thought recently I have to contact Amex and see what I can do, what I have.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
How many points is that if you wanted to use it?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
By the way, I am like you guys that way where I feel like I don't deserve to stay at the Ritz-Carlton. Of course. And I feel weird and like I'm not fancy enough. Like I really have that.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
No, we're allowed back. Oh, okay. I'm so gullible. I'm like, what did you do?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
No, and I have to. I really need to start doing that. Yeah. But it's, I'm being honest. It's such a pain in the ass. But I did just, like literally for the first time in years, look down and I was like, something's going on.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
I mean, like you guys, I was poor for years doing stand-up. Like, I had no money. Yeah.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Of course I had a Discover. I had a Rush jean jacket.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Um, I, I probably did like once or twice, but I don't. Not a habit. No. Yeah. I was, uh, I, I just was never into that, but I get why people are addicted to it. My God.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
I've, Not really into it, but I've done it. I love to gamble. Really? I think I knew that about you.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
I haven't done the tables in a long time, but I'm telling you, a thousand times I've been to casinos and played blackjack all night. Really?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
I do, yeah. I have to not sit with people who don't play right. I have a big thing about it. So instead of getting hostile and being like, what are you doing? Why are you splitting tens? And I get fucking crazy, I just get up and go to another table. But I've done pretty well. I play by the book.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
But now I play slots on my phone and it's a problem.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
I buy the coins and then. Write that down. The Berkshires, huh? I'm addicted to it.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
No, I play like on a thing that has like 50 kind of slot games. And then I go from one to the next.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
whoa yeah i mean a lot of people will leave shows and do like cocaine and i'm like on fucking you know cherry cherry cherry yeah okay wow you know what it is my brain is so crazy so it's like i see just images and numbers and i'm not thinking about anything because my brain is always right you know you guys are probably like that too sure man you got a swiffer at the house yeah okay what's the vacuum cleaner
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
poland springs okay sometimes fiji okay okay i had the one you know the tank where you i never used i did that too i just got rid i had it for years we just got rid of it yeah it's like a waste if you're not good whatever yeah if we were at the house and we opened up the refrigerator would there be anything expired in there No, and I'll tell you why.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Yeah. Any bad toenails? I have really nice feet. Okay. Like, I should, I should. I mean, with that information you've shared.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
There might be that I didn't notice, but I grew up in a house where everything was expired. Every fucking thing. Like, the cheese had confetti. So I am traumatized. I know some people understand this, but I am traumatized. Like, I smell water. Like, I am traumatized by food. Like, that's gone bad. So even if the milk says, you know, June whatever, I'm smelling it. Okay. It was bad.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
So there was rotten meat. It was so I can't do it.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Do you smell the milk? Yeah, I do. Do you shake the milk?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
I don't know why. I shake the milk. But yeah, I'm really, even if it expires like a week later, I have to throw it out.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
I'd say pan or microwave. Microwave's not good. I microwave a lot of shit.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
I mean, I heat up everything. I have coffee the entire day until nighttime. It's cold. And I will put it in the microwave.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Or I'll drink coffee, like if I'm on the road, I'll drink the same coffee that I had from the morning at night.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Yes, I have no problem with cold food. Okay. I always eat cold food. All right. I respect it. Always.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
I'll put food on the road in the fridge and then just take it out and eat it that I had the night before. Chicken or whatever. Mm-hmm.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Yeah, except for the corn and the syphilis. No, I have nice feet. I'm serious. I could put my feet online and make a lot of money. There you go. Yeah, yeah. Now Jim Norton's going to contact me.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Yeah, I do that a lot too. It's just the easiest thing. No, I have to change it because I ask for pretzels and they give me three huge bags. Every single weekend. Three enormous bags of pretzels every night. So I'm doing a different place each night. So I have six huge bags. Yeah, nine bags. And then I get sliced turkey, cheese.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
I do bread or roll-ups, but I, yeah. And then I do, I'm getting rid of this, the vegetable platter because no one eats it.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
I get some fruit and sometimes it's just like an apple and banana and sometimes it's like a really nice fruit platter. Fruit tray? I have to have espresso. I get four espressos, and it has to be Starbucks.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Coffee's my thing. If you just give me coffee and pretzels and a piece of cheese, I'm fine. Four espressos? Because I'll take two, and then I take two back to the hotel for the next morning. You're a dirtbag.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
You get an espresso at a Marriott. No, you can't a lot very early in the morning. There's nowhere to.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
And with the coffee in the room, it usually tastes like urine. I add.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
You're not using that coffee pot, are you? I always.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Not in like a shitty, shitty hotel room, but in a nicer hotel room. I mean, a lot of times they have espresso things now. You know?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
I thought you said George Clooney and made a mistake that it was George Foreman. And I started laughing.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Yeah. I mean, you always like the housekeeping people take it.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
I will normally leave 10 if I'm staying, like, two nights 20. Good for you. If I'm in a suite, 20. Okay. Because it's a big room. It's like two rooms. Yeah. Very classy.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
I think Norton's an everything guy. Yeah, I think so. Hey, I'm with him.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
I've become very private. There's reasons why. Get me at the end. Yeah, that's what I do. I'm the same way. Yeah.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
I only used to wear turquoise jewelry for a long time because that's like artsy fartsy dirt bag, you know. That's crazy. I only wear silver. Okay. I don't like gold. You don't like gold. I'm all silver. All silver. All right. Yeah, but I don't wear turquoise. I love turquoise jewelry, but I don't wear it anymore.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
I think it was. Oh, my God. Can you believe I can't remember a tiger? If it's like a fish, I'm going to die laughing.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
I don't have a dick, but I do have nice feet.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Who's in the Hall of Fame? My stepbrother. Zach Braff. What's her name? Lauren Hill.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Who's Elizabeth Shue? John Shue and Elizabeth, yeah. John Shue, and she's beautiful. I know the name.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Is a huge actor. He was on... The first show with friends living in a complex.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Yeah, it was amazing. That's not that far from Philly, though. Well, it's like an hour and a half.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
It's so funny you said that. If I could put it on top of the refrigerator, it would be. Because I used to do that, I mean, all the time. But now there's no room. But it's in the cabinet, yeah. I had grape nuts this morning. Get out of here.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
They're so good. They are. You ever have it with banana? Of course. So good.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
You know what? It's so good with a little sugar and banana.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
To Macy's, Starbucks. Pretty good ones, I'll give you that. Amazon.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
I like fresh crack pepper. That's a tongue twister. I like crack fresh pepper. But I'm lazy.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Because it has to do with doing something nice for myself. Like if I thought my kids would enjoy it or my partner, you know, I would in a second. But I'm not going to like, I just don't do it for myself.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
I'm doing sea salt. Okay. But not Himalayan. Okay. I don't like those people. But I'm doing sea salt.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Oh, come on. Pink sauce. I don't take, like, if I had a little hangnail, I'm talking about.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Well, I've met a lot of people in my life. Of course.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Major, major, major pothead. I was a major pothead.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Very classy. I followed the dead. Very classy first concert. I followed the Grateful Dead. Jesus Christ. I did fucking mushrooms and, you know, sucked out of balloons and fucking sold ice pops. She's got the Swiffer.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
What's a day-to-day car? Now it's a Lincoln Nautilus.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Thank you. I love you guys so much. Thank you.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Yeah, I have a lot of dates coming up. So if they go to JessicaKerson.com, and that's my whole schedule, and also a big TikTok, YouTube, and Instagram.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
I met him, I think, at a restaurant in Jersey. Okay. Yeah. I mean, I'm trying to think of who I met as a kid.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Yeah, definitely. But then it changed, of course, over time.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
I mean, I've met... It's Bobby D. Right? Oh, right. De Niro. Right. De Niro is the, I think, is the biggest star. And I worked with him and became friends with him. Yeah, I remember that. That's fucking crazy.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Well, I was in his ear during the whole movie. Yeah, the comedian. That's fucking crazy. And that was just from him seeing me do stand-up. It was a great story. Yeah. Uh, but because my, of my stepbrother who was a child actor, you know, I met a lot of people like years and years ago and that was fucking weird. Yeah. Yeah.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Like big stars, you know, like Danny DeVito and Reese Witherspoon and this one and that one. But I think besides De Niro and there were so many people on that movie like Harvey Keitel and Joe, like all these people, but the big, I met, I met Madonna. Wow.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
And I was freaked out. I don't get freaked out. I think that's why De Niro liked me. I'm not like, oh, my God. I just saw him as like an older Italian man. You want to work with me?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
But when I saw Madonna at the cellar, for some reason, I was really starstruck. That's one. Yeah, that makes sense. Really starstruck.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
We went to his restaurant right in the beginning and had cappuccinos, and he had a drink. Yeah, it's funny. I went to dinner a lot with him. I'm not bragging. It just would happen.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Yeah, of course. I would go to dinner with him and Harvey Keitel.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
And Danny DeVito and the producer. What? to Il Molina a lot.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Can you imagine? I'm like, I'll use the tip.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
I mean, it was De Niro because it's, you know.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
You know what? The producers picked up the check a lot, too. That's what they do with these Hollywood producers.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
What's he go for? Amazing. I mean, they would order. It was fucking insane. Sure. They would order, like, you know, the fish, you know, the raw fish. They bring shit. When you're that famous. You got De Niro, Danny DeVito. They just bring stuff. You don't even order.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Tons of espressos in Zambuca. Yeah, exactly what it was. That's awesome. A lot of meats. You know, they come over with the cheese and keep grating it. It's amazing.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
You're not going to go for the surf and turf. I don't scale it up. I was brought up really, like, down to earth, believe it or not. I don't know why I wouldn't believe that. Well, because I was brought up in the Jersey suburbs where people had money. A little bit of cash.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
But my parents really, like I had a job at 14. I worked at Lord & Taylor and I worked in the coffee place. And they gave me like eventually a really shitty car that my sister had, which had like one wheel. I mean, it was, I was, thank God, brought up.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
yeah that way yes because it's made me work as hard as i do i appreciate that if you go out to dinner with somebody that's paying they get the chicken you don't get the two pound lobster no right no i would not even i don't even get an appetizer which is you know sure i i would like it's like other people just order an appetizer and whatever i'm like i i feel uncomfortable now if shoes on the
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Whoa. No shit. I was a big Genesis fan. Whoa. Yeah, I love them. It was at Madison Square Garden. What? Damn. I went with my stepmother. I had beer and I smoked pot. How old were you? And I smoked pot there. She was fine with it. That's awesome. I was 14.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Wild. But I was a burnout. I used to have a jean jacket that had Rush on the back, the decal for Rush. Did you buy that or did you put that on there? I put it on there. Yeah, I was into Led Zeppelin and Grateful Dead. I was really into all that shit.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
It's not even like it was Led Zeppelin or ACDC. It was Rush. Rush.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
I folded clothes, and I wanted to fucking kill myself. Okay. Yeah, it was horrible. I did it at Macy's. Oh, you did? It's brutal. It's fucking horrible. All those old women like, do you have a size 8? You know, like, I'm like, just die. Can you die? Like, literally just die while I'm folding a sweater.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Really? Yeah. That's not... Yeah, I'm a good salesperson. Yeah? You're very personable. Of course. My parents were insane. Like, I just grew up... I think that helps us in this business.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
I mean, you have to be a good salesperson in this business.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
But, um... Yeah, I think now I would have a very hard time working with the public because I picked up like I really have changed.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Yeah, no, I'm more like people are rude. Of course, people are rude. So I would not want to be talking to be losing a story.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
No. Okay. I used to wear shitty perfume. Like when I was growing up, I would wear shitty. Did you wear Charlie? I think I did wear Charlie. I don't know. Charlie's nice. I don't know Charlie. I wouldn't spend tons of money on perfume. Okay. I mean, now I might, but I don't like strong smells.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Yeah, yeah. It has smelled like onions since I sat down.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Yeah. Deodorize. I wear men's. Okay. What kind? Like a roll-on arms and hammer. Really?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
I can't believe I said arms and hammer. Arms and hammer is all right. Tonight on Arms and Hammer. Oh, that's great.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Antiperspirant. Okay. Because of performing.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
I'm earning a master's. Do you ever wear your hair wavy?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
when you're going over. So you get yellow things?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
That is so fucking disgusting. Wait, is the yellow on the white?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Everything I wear is black. I'm not skinny. Oh, because you won't cover it.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
We got a lot in common. Are yours uneven like mine? They are.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
I was chased by a dog in my neighborhood. It was one of the fucking most traumatic things that ever happened to me. Yeah, it was really bad. Yeah, it's scary. It's a funny visual, but I left my house.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jessica Kirson Returns!
Yeah, no, you think I care. I was walking to my friend Gail's house, and I heard, and I'm like, oh, my God, what is that? And I saw a dog chained. you know, chained into a rope at someone's house. And I'm like, oh, they're chained. And then I heard, and it started getting closer. And I was like, this dog's coming towards me right now.
WTF with Marc Maron Podcast
Episode 1637 - Jessica Kirson
Well, one of the things that I always take to heart, and I remember hearing this from one of Letterman's producers, that Letterman told the producers of the show, your job is to protect me from myself. Yeah. And I've always taken that to heart. And I don't mean that from the sense of like, I've got to censor you. I obviously do not, because we have a pretty...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Don't Pull My Tampon String! w/ Jessica Kirson | Your Mom's House Ep. 812
Is that better?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Don't Pull My Tampon String! w/ Jessica Kirson | Your Mom's House Ep. 812
That's amazing.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Don't Pull My Tampon String! w/ Jessica Kirson | Your Mom's House Ep. 812
He left.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Don't Pull My Tampon String! w/ Jessica Kirson | Your Mom's House Ep. 812
No.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Don't Pull My Tampon String! w/ Jessica Kirson | Your Mom's House Ep. 812
Ha, ha, ha.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Don't Pull My Tampon String! w/ Jessica Kirson | Your Mom's House Ep. 812
Schau dir das Gesicht an.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Don't Pull My Tampon String! w/ Jessica Kirson | Your Mom's House Ep. 812
Ja. Morgen werde ich permanent sterilisiert, weil ich meine Fallopian-Türen entfernt habe. Also habe ich entschieden, ein bisschen für das zu feiern und zu feiern, dass ich die Wahl gemacht habe, keine Kinder zu haben. Oh mein Gott. Ja.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Don't Pull My Tampon String! w/ Jessica Kirson | Your Mom's House Ep. 812
His name is Barry.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Don't Pull My Tampon String! w/ Jessica Kirson | Your Mom's House Ep. 812
Barry Ribs?