Jay Shetty

So I think there's mistakes on both sides. So the mistake on the person who is on the receiving end is you now need to do more to make me feel more secure. But I'm not going to do the work of trying to be more tolerant and patient with what I remember.

So I think there's mistakes on both sides. So the mistake on the person who is on the receiving end is you now need to do more to make me feel more secure. But I'm not going to do the work of trying to be more tolerant and patient with what I remember.

Correct. But that person could do all of that. And if you don't process it, you still will feel that way. Now, I'm not saying it's your fault. I'm just saying that's the reality if you want it to recover. It isn't your fault. This is not your fault. We have to just be really clear about it. It's not your fault. It shouldn't have got there.

Correct. But that person could do all of that. And if you don't process it, you still will feel that way. Now, I'm not saying it's your fault. I'm just saying that's the reality if you want it to recover. It isn't your fault. This is not your fault. We have to just be really clear about it. It's not your fault. It shouldn't have got there.

But that person could do everything right from now on, and this relationship could still go wrong because you didn't process what you had to process. So on your part, that's the mistake.

But that person could do everything right from now on, and this relationship could still go wrong because you didn't process what you had to process. So on your part, that's the mistake.

On the other person's part, the mistake happens is either they're overcompensating in really inauthentic ways, or they feel so guilt and shamed by it that they now bring it up in every argument and go, oh, but you're always going to play that card. Oh, but don't play that card. Like, oh, no, no, you're not allowed to use that card this time.

On the other person's part, the mistake happens is either they're overcompensating in really inauthentic ways, or they feel so guilt and shamed by it that they now bring it up in every argument and go, oh, but you're always going to play that card. Oh, but don't play that card. Like, oh, no, no, you're not allowed to use that card this time.

And now they start building rules about when and where it's used. And you're like, wait a minute, I'm the one who is on the receiving end of that. I get to decide when I talk about it. And so you haven't come to an agreement together about the vocabulary, the language, the connection of how is this discussed? Where does it land? At what point are we complete through the healing process?

And now they start building rules about when and where it's used. And you're like, wait a minute, I'm the one who is on the receiving end of that. I get to decide when I talk about it. And so you haven't come to an agreement together about the vocabulary, the language, the connection of how is this discussed? Where does it land? At what point are we complete through the healing process?

At what point am I comfortable to not talk about it again? At what point am I gonna bring it up and you can't rush me on that? That's the conversation that needs to be happening, not the conversation of, have you forgiven me yet? That's not the conversation. The conversation is, We may have to let this heal and talk about this for 12 months. Whereas it's not like, okay, have you forgiven me?

At what point am I comfortable to not talk about it again? At what point am I gonna bring it up and you can't rush me on that? That's the conversation that needs to be happening, not the conversation of, have you forgiven me yet? That's not the conversation. The conversation is, We may have to let this heal and talk about this for 12 months. Whereas it's not like, okay, have you forgiven me?

It's been a week. Have you forgiven me? It's been a year. Have you forgiven? No, no, no. What do we actually need to talk about? Let's focus on that, not the end point. We're all focused on the end. Like, when will you forgive me? I don't know. When will you forget about it? I don't know. So let's not talk about deadlines.

It's been a week. Have you forgiven me? It's been a year. Have you forgiven? No, no, no. What do we actually need to talk about? Let's focus on that, not the end point. We're all focused on the end. Like, when will you forgive me? I don't know. When will you forget about it? I don't know. So let's not talk about deadlines.

Let's talk about what this relationship looks like, what the vocabulary around this conversation is. When should we bring it up? How should we raise it? Are we going to do therapy together? That's the conversations we want to be having if we both want this to work. And that's the critical starting point. Do we both want this to work?

Let's talk about what this relationship looks like, what the vocabulary around this conversation is. When should we bring it up? How should we raise it? Are we going to do therapy together? That's the conversations we want to be having if we both want this to work. And that's the critical starting point. Do we both want this to work?

I think sometimes the person who's forgiving thinks, I'm going to forgive you. This is going to work out. You made a decision on your own. but that person didn't have to do anything. You just said, oh, I forgive you, let's just move on, it's okay. But that person didn't get to take part in that decision. You don't even know if they want to be there.

I think sometimes the person who's forgiving thinks, I'm going to forgive you. This is going to work out. You made a decision on your own. but that person didn't have to do anything. You just said, oh, I forgive you, let's just move on, it's okay. But that person didn't get to take part in that decision. You don't even know if they want to be there.

You don't even know if they want forgiveness or what that forgiveness looks like to them. So now you could be forgiving someone who's happy to continue to make that mistake because you never got their buy-in on that decision you just made. So you made it easier because you were like, I solved it, it's fixed, I've forgiven it, let's move on. But you haven't because you don't know where they stand.

You don't even know if they want forgiveness or what that forgiveness looks like to them. So now you could be forgiving someone who's happy to continue to make that mistake because you never got their buy-in on that decision you just made. So you made it easier because you were like, I solved it, it's fixed, I've forgiven it, let's move on. But you haven't because you don't know where they stand.