James McCann
👤 PersonPodcast Appearances
Look out. More detail than ever got to be put into that one.
Look out. More detail than ever got to be put into that one.
Steelers nation, baby. There are no gay people in Pittsburgh. Or black people, actually. Come to think of it, there's not a big... But that was big for you, the Super Bowl? Oh, yeah. Great. Okay. I let Tony do the questions. All right, there you go, yeah.
Steelers nation, baby. There are no gay people in Pittsburgh. Or black people, actually. Come to think of it, there's not a big... But that was big for you, the Super Bowl? Oh, yeah. Great. Okay. I let Tony do the questions. All right, there you go, yeah.
Must be a big steak. Tomahawk. What do you mean? She's been cooking that steak up for three years. Must be huge. What, it wasn't worse than geese fire.
Must be a big steak. Tomahawk. What do you mean? She's been cooking that steak up for three years. Must be huge. What, it wasn't worse than geese fire.
It's business and pleasure at that restaurant by the sounds of things. Goodness me.
It's business and pleasure at that restaurant by the sounds of things. Goodness me.
You did seem over-eager to hear about how a gay relationship could work. Well, it is exciting. Like I said, there's never a gay relationship. The lesbians manage to do it every single time. Exactly.
You did seem over-eager to hear about how a gay relationship could work. Well, it is exciting. Like I said, there's never a gay relationship. The lesbians manage to do it every single time. Exactly.
Get the Hallmark Channel on the phone, because I think that is a love story that they're ready to immortalize.
Get the Hallmark Channel on the phone, because I think that is a love story that they're ready to immortalize.
Every night. So you have a younger partner who doesn't drive, who you financially take care of. If you make some very small changes, the Muslim world is going to embrace you.
Every night. So you have a younger partner who doesn't drive, who you financially take care of. If you make some very small changes, the Muslim world is going to embrace you.
No, it's just to get those numbers, you'd have to have that happening repeatedly. It just seems like a weird combination to happen through the generation. Am I wrong? No. 50-50, you'd go, I understand that. 75-25, even then, it kind of checks out. 70-30 is... You gotta have... It's gotta have happened like four times in different ways back and forward. Black and Scottish.
No, it's just to get those numbers, you'd have to have that happening repeatedly. It just seems like a weird combination to happen through the generation. Am I wrong? No. 50-50, you'd go, I understand that. 75-25, even then, it kind of checks out. 70-30 is... You gotta have... It's gotta have happened like four times in different ways back and forward. Black and Scottish.
Welcome, welcome, James. You do an art podcast.
Welcome, welcome, James. You do an art podcast.
She said she would have me on, and then she never got in contact ever again. I'm... Whoa.
She said she would have me on, and then she never got in contact ever again. I'm... Whoa.
I think I have interesting things to say about the post-war period. Yeah? Tell us. What's interesting? Western civilization falls apart.
I think I have interesting things to say about the post-war period. Yeah? Tell us. What's interesting? Western civilization falls apart.
Man's in humanity to man. No? Anyway, it's probably not good on a comedy podcast to talk about that, but... No, you know what I'm talking about? You go to a museum, you go to the art museum and like you walk in and it's all great. It's all like Greek stuff. Wow. Medieval paintings of little naked children. That's really good. And then World War I happens and it's just fucking nothing.
Man's in humanity to man. No? Anyway, it's probably not good on a comedy podcast to talk about that, but... No, you know what I'm talking about? You go to a museum, you go to the art museum and like you walk in and it's all great. It's all like Greek stuff. Wow. Medieval paintings of little naked children. That's really good. And then World War I happens and it's just fucking nothing.
All right. If that art is a couch, though, Tony will talk about it for years at a time. Yes. Nothing better than listening to people talk about art.
All right. If that art is a couch, though, Tony will talk about it for years at a time. Yes. Nothing better than listening to people talk about art.
We shouldn't all just celebrate our first drink, but I remember my first drink. It was great. It was a vodka cruiser. Do you have those here? No, what is that? It's like vodka and pink lemonade. It's a very girly drink.
We shouldn't all just celebrate our first drink, but I remember my first drink. It was great. It was a vodka cruiser. Do you have those here? No, what is that? It's like vodka and pink lemonade. It's a very girly drink.
What about on sobriety? Thanks. You're welcome. I would never do it. Yeah.
What about on sobriety? Thanks. You're welcome. I would never do it. Yeah.
What is the overlap in the fine art world between... I think of that as a golden retriever profession. I think of pit bulls as more of like, Cadillacs bouncing up and down. Yeah. No, is that not right?
What is the overlap in the fine art world between... I think of that as a golden retriever profession. I think of pit bulls as more of like, Cadillacs bouncing up and down. Yeah. No, is that not right?
No. No, I think they kill children every year.
No. No, I think they kill children every year.
No, they killed so many children. I think there are big parts of the world you can't get that dog. But you like that it's dangerous. You have a weird sex thing for the dog.
No, they killed so many children. I think there are big parts of the world you can't get that dog. But you like that it's dangerous. You have a weird sex thing for the dog.
But did you make that extremely scary noise happen halfway through the set? Because if you did do that, that would be very impressive.
But did you make that extremely scary noise happen halfway through the set? Because if you did do that, that would be very impressive.
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Are we going to address that during the commercial break that was the most insane and rowdy back and forward?
Are we going to address that during the commercial break that was the most insane and rowdy back and forward?
Let me tell you, it's worth coming to the show and not watching it online because there was a full weird situation in the commercial break.
Let me tell you, it's worth coming to the show and not watching it online because there was a full weird situation in the commercial break.
Found out you loved antiquing. Oh, that's true. You think you can just bury that you love antiquing and we're not all going to want to talk about it?
Found out you loved antiquing. Oh, that's true. You think you can just bury that you love antiquing and we're not all going to want to talk about it?
That's got to be a... That's like a Muslim parent's dream, though.
That's got to be a... That's like a Muslim parent's dream, though.
You don't have to go and get the village woman to come and do it for you.
You don't have to go and get the village woman to come and do it for you.
It was so funny, I forgot that we heard a story about a federal witness, which I really thought would stay with me.
It was so funny, I forgot that we heard a story about a federal witness, which I really thought would stay with me.
Let me tell you. You wouldn't know yet. Tony, with all the gay rumors floating around, was quick to kibosh his love of antiquity.
Let me tell you. You wouldn't know yet. Tony, with all the gay rumors floating around, was quick to kibosh his love of antiquity.
Right. I think it's just... They have filthy blood and you have the pure blood of the... No, I just have sweet blood.
Right. I think it's just... They have filthy blood and you have the pure blood of the... No, I just have sweet blood.
Yeah, I'm trying to be nice to them. Wait, do you come from a fancy bloodline?
Yeah, I'm trying to be nice to them. Wait, do you come from a fancy bloodline?
You would be such a good Antiques Roadshow host as well. I want to. It's worth nothing! Get him out!
You would be such a good Antiques Roadshow host as well. I want to. It's worth nothing! Get him out!
Oh. Well, that's filthy evil blood. No, it's not!
Oh. Well, that's filthy evil blood. No, it's not!
I don't know. I'm just kidding. I'm just having fun.
I don't know. I'm just kidding. I'm just having fun.
This is, like, word for word a conversation I had with an Indian cab driver once. That's...
This is, like, word for word a conversation I had with an Indian cab driver once. That's...
What a fake religion. I mean, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Who could look into the eyes of a sweet, beautiful dog and say angels hate you? They're just scared. Catholics would never do that. We've done other stuff, but we would never make that. We would never make that particular mistake. I'm sorry.
What a fake religion. I mean, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Who could look into the eyes of a sweet, beautiful dog and say angels hate you? They're just scared. Catholics would never do that. We've done other stuff, but we would never make that. We would never make that particular mistake. I'm sorry.
We need to go back and take over the Holy Land again so that dogs can run wild and free through the streets.
We need to go back and take over the Holy Land again so that dogs can run wild and free through the streets.
We have the cheapest projector from Walmart so the children don't get addicted. It's a good... It's a good policy.
We have the cheapest projector from Walmart so the children don't get addicted. It's a good... It's a good policy.
Nobody's gotten fired? I've been fired that way from a lot of fast food restaurants in my time. I was at Subway. I was at McDonald's. I was at some ones you don't have over here. Like what? Billy Baxter's Cafe. It was run by Chinese people and they wanted me to be the face of it because they thought it was weird for Chinese people to have a cafe.
Nobody's gotten fired? I've been fired that way from a lot of fast food restaurants in my time. I was at Subway. I was at McDonald's. I was at some ones you don't have over here. Like what? Billy Baxter's Cafe. It was run by Chinese people and they wanted me to be the face of it because they thought it was weird for Chinese people to have a cafe.
And there were just like six old ladies who would sit in the middle and frown at me. They owned it. They would just sit and frown at the fat white boy who can't be charismatic enough. Who's laughing now, Billy Baxter's Cafe? No, they went out of business. And that was in Australia? Sweet Adelaide, Australia. I think you're a charismatic man, and I think you can do better than a smoke shop.
And there were just like six old ladies who would sit in the middle and frown at me. They owned it. They would just sit and frown at the fat white boy who can't be charismatic enough. Who's laughing now, Billy Baxter's Cafe? No, they went out of business. And that was in Australia? Sweet Adelaide, Australia. I think you're a charismatic man, and I think you can do better than a smoke shop.
Also, I find the smoke shop weird and disturbing. I don't like them.
Also, I find the smoke shop weird and disturbing. I don't like them.
They're fucking in vans all over the street, peddling marijuana to young people. Sorry. I thought it was illegal in Texas and they're standing on the street trying to get people high. That's a pusher. Next thing you know, they'll be murdering some guy's autistic brother. I like the set. Appreciate you, man. You're welcome.
They're fucking in vans all over the street, peddling marijuana to young people. Sorry. I thought it was illegal in Texas and they're standing on the street trying to get people high. That's a pusher. Next thing you know, they'll be murdering some guy's autistic brother. I like the set. Appreciate you, man. You're welcome.
You were the first act in a long time that I wasn't worried was going to die soon or was currently tripping.
You were the first act in a long time that I wasn't worried was going to die soon or was currently tripping.
I'll take over. So you've done it before? What did we have you do last time you were on the show?
I'll take over. So you've done it before? What did we have you do last time you were on the show?
Hey, you're right, you're right, you're right. Do you have a girlfriend or anything? I did. What happened?
Hey, you're right, you're right, you're right. Do you have a girlfriend or anything? I did. What happened?
No, it closed down. It was in Adelaide Arcade. Why? Have they still got one there?
No, it closed down. It was in Adelaide Arcade. Why? Have they still got one there?
Two stars. After all the beautiful hosting work I was doing, you do it. You stitch me up.
Two stars. After all the beautiful hosting work I was doing, you do it. You stitch me up.
Did you talk about yourself in the third person? I did, I did. That might have been what was missing. Do you often talk about yourself in the third person?
Did you talk about yourself in the third person? I did, I did. That might have been what was missing. Do you often talk about yourself in the third person?
There are no classy smoke shops. It's always a little woman who looks like she's emaciated and she's going to fall down.
There are no classy smoke shops. It's always a little woman who looks like she's emaciated and she's going to fall down.
It's what marijuana can do to you. I want you to turn your life around. Who knows what you could achieve if you put that down?
It's what marijuana can do to you. I want you to turn your life around. Who knows what you could achieve if you put that down?
Oh, I hope we find a big, beautiful star tonight. Can you feel it, ladies and gentlemen? Good news.
Oh, I hope we find a big, beautiful star tonight. Can you feel it, ladies and gentlemen? Good news.
You said that was a crazy sandwich. That was the most sane sandwich I've ever heard described.
You said that was a crazy sandwich. That was the most sane sandwich I've ever heard described.
This is turning into a financial problem. I know, yeah.
This is turning into a financial problem. I know, yeah.
This feels like the end of Legally Blonde.
This feels like the end of Legally Blonde.
You're like, you're trying to nail him for something.
You're like, you're trying to nail him for something.
Sorry, how do you go from... You seem pretty young to have had a midlife crisis and said, I'm going into cake decoration. I'm so happy you have an interesting job that we can talk about in the show.
Sorry, how do you go from... You seem pretty young to have had a midlife crisis and said, I'm going into cake decoration. I'm so happy you have an interesting job that we can talk about in the show.
What cakes do you like to decorate? Wedding cakes? Kids' birthday cakes? Do you do it at HEB or a fancy place? I'm fascinated.
What cakes do you like to decorate? Wedding cakes? Kids' birthday cakes? Do you do it at HEB or a fancy place? I'm fascinated.
And you've coupled that with the I have grandchildren sweater?
And you've coupled that with the I have grandchildren sweater?
I don't believe in Depop. I think that's the weak way to do it. I go to the big, weird Goodwill with all the troughs and the angry Hispanics fighting you for the stuff. That's what I do. Do you know what I'm talking about?
I don't believe in Depop. I think that's the weak way to do it. I go to the big, weird Goodwill with all the troughs and the angry Hispanics fighting you for the stuff. That's what I do. Do you know what I'm talking about?
Nope. I thought the joke at the end was good. Thank you. I just wanted to be supportive, and it was.
Nope. I thought the joke at the end was good. Thank you. I just wanted to be supportive, and it was.
Well, that's not them hanging out there. You're luring these cats.
Well, that's not them hanging out there. You're luring these cats.
I didn't know the show was going to go for nine hours tonight.
I didn't know the show was going to go for nine hours tonight.
A woman will cheat and not even come was like a beautiful poem or something, you know?
A woman will cheat and not even come was like a beautiful poem or something, you know?
I was starting to think it was me. I thought I was bringing the best nod. I know, James!
I was starting to think it was me. I thought I was bringing the best nod. I know, James!
After this show, I'm going to have to just stare into a flower for half an hour.
After this show, I'm going to have to just stare into a flower for half an hour.
Take me there! Maybe. Maybe I'm autistic, but I fucking love getting on that train. Pittsburgh airport. I'm like, fuck, I wish I could have taken a train to this airport. Bang! I'm on a train. I love it. I love it. Wow. We're going to find a superstar here tonight. Can you feel it?
Take me there! Maybe. Maybe I'm autistic, but I fucking love getting on that train. Pittsburgh airport. I'm like, fuck, I wish I could have taken a train to this airport. Bang! I'm on a train. I love it. I love it. Wow. We're going to find a superstar here tonight. Can you feel it?
It's the nicest thing Ari has ever said to me.
It's the nicest thing Ari has ever said to me.
I'm going to say it will sound very racist, but it's not. That was nothing. That was 96. The important thing. No, I saw this. I'm disabled, asshole. No, no.
I'm going to say it will sound very racist, but it's not. That was nothing. That was 96. The important thing. No, I saw this. I'm disabled, asshole. No, no.
I read this on Twitter. This was a white nationalist talking point that I didn't like, but I saw it. But apparently white guys have the strongest grip strength and black guys on average have very low grip strength. I read this. And apparently one of the theories was this is why people don't do handshakes. It's all slapping and fist bumping to not expose.
I read this on Twitter. This was a white nationalist talking point that I didn't like, but I saw it. But apparently white guys have the strongest grip strength and black guys on average have very low grip strength. I read this. And apparently one of the theories was this is why people don't do handshakes. It's all slapping and fist bumping to not expose.
But every black guy in the green room is crushing this. That's not true at all.
But every black guy in the green room is crushing this. That's not true at all.
No, it's not your fault. The next great comedian in America is behind that curtain. Well, not yet, they're not. There might be six or seven people behind that curtain. There might be 154 more people behind that curtain. But I believe that greatness is going to walk out of here tonight.
No, it's not your fault. The next great comedian in America is behind that curtain. Well, not yet, they're not. There might be six or seven people behind that curtain. There might be 154 more people behind that curtain. But I believe that greatness is going to walk out of here tonight.
What a pervert you are. My God. I treat all women with dignity and respect. Let's move on, please. Jesus Christ almighty.
What a pervert you are. My God. I treat all women with dignity and respect. Let's move on, please. Jesus Christ almighty.
James, tell them. Thank you for having me. I can't believe it's over. We did it. What a beautiful country. What a beautiful show.
James, tell them. Thank you for having me. I can't believe it's over. We did it. What a beautiful country. What a beautiful show.
If you figure it out, you let me know.
If you figure it out, you let me know.
You can grab the stand. You can put them behind your back. You can... Yeah, that's good. Yeah, put them behind your back.
You can grab the stand. You can put them behind your back. You can... Yeah, that's good. Yeah, put them behind your back.
Yeah, yeah, right. All right, cool. No one's rocking that one. I've been thinking about doing that. Wait, what? I've been thinking about doing all my jokes like this. Hey, everybody, I'm from Australia. You know, teacup over there. That would be crazy. This one, if you're a gay or a woman, that's an option.
Yeah, yeah, right. All right, cool. No one's rocking that one. I've been thinking about doing that. Wait, what? I've been thinking about doing all my jokes like this. Hey, everybody, I'm from Australia. You know, teacup over there. That would be crazy. This one, if you're a gay or a woman, that's an option.
I want to give that one a fizz bump. I want to celebrate that. You love it. Oh, boy. If you get out there on the road as a stand-up comedian alone in those hotels, good luck, friend.
I want to give that one a fizz bump. I want to celebrate that. You love it. Oh, boy. If you get out there on the road as a stand-up comedian alone in those hotels, good luck, friend.
Wow. That is hard because they're telling you you're a good boy but you're doing a very dark and shameful thing. Yeah. And then you feel really good and then you feel really bad. You're trapped. Yeah.
Wow. That is hard because they're telling you you're a good boy but you're doing a very dark and shameful thing. Yeah. And then you feel really good and then you feel really bad. You're trapped. Yeah.
This man is speaking my language. I understand.
This man is speaking my language. I understand.
And some higher education. Am I right, everybody? Come on now. Come on, everybody.
And some higher education. Am I right, everybody? Come on now. Come on, everybody.
Once again, it's J-D-F McCann, M-double-C-A-double-N dot com, and then you have to click a couple things to get to the ticket.
Once again, it's J-D-F McCann, M-double-C-A-double-N dot com, and then you have to click a couple things to get to the ticket.
But once you get there, it's great.
But once you get there, it's great.
Don't they all? That's the happy ending to your novel is that the serial killer finds inner peace.
Don't they all? That's the happy ending to your novel is that the serial killer finds inner peace.
Yeah, there's a lot of fellow autistic men out there looking after their own, very proud.
Yeah, there's a lot of fellow autistic men out there looking after their own, very proud.
You guys are worse than Oklahoma? Yeah, yeah. I need to look after my daughter. I'm going to send her to the teen pregnancy capital of the world. I actually love Oklahoma.
You guys are worse than Oklahoma? Yeah, yeah. I need to look after my daughter. I'm going to send her to the teen pregnancy capital of the world. I actually love Oklahoma.
Tulsa, man? Oklahoma City is where I grew up. Also, I'm done with, that's all I know now about Oklahoma.
Tulsa, man? Oklahoma City is where I grew up. Also, I'm done with, that's all I know now about Oklahoma.
Yes, it was so good to me at first. I thought at some point he's going to try and fuck me. And he never did. That's true. He never did. He hasn't.
Yes, it was so good to me at first. I thought at some point he's going to try and fuck me. And he never did. That's true. He never did. He hasn't.
I was going to say, I don't think that's what that means.
I was going to say, I don't think that's what that means.
See, a Japanese man knows he doesn't have to chase the hoes, you know? You stand next to them on public transport and you grab. That's the... I know, it's a beautiful part of your culture. Yes. I'm a big fan. Yeah.
See, a Japanese man knows he doesn't have to chase the hoes, you know? You stand next to them on public transport and you grab. That's the... I know, it's a beautiful part of your culture. Yes. I'm a big fan. Yeah.
That's the accent the last guy was doing. It was great. What do you mean?
That's the accent the last guy was doing. It was great. What do you mean?
You can't argue with results. This man is here.
You can't argue with results. This man is here.
I got one of those minis. I'm going to warn people before that happens.
I got one of those minis. I'm going to warn people before that happens.
Go ahead, James McKay. What, are you going to try and take eight emotional support dogs on a jet? What are you talking about? Have you seen this guy's pinky? He needs it. He's got to nibble down the rest of the fingers with wild dogs. You need the government to approve having more than five dogs.
Go ahead, James McKay. What, are you going to try and take eight emotional support dogs on a jet? What are you talking about? Have you seen this guy's pinky? He needs it. He's got to nibble down the rest of the fingers with wild dogs. You need the government to approve having more than five dogs.
You start filming it for TikTok. You make the ultimate fight of it for dogs. You see which one's got some fight in it. That's the one you keep. You send the rest to the farm. Are you proud of the one that bit the other one? Is that your favorite one now?
You start filming it for TikTok. You make the ultimate fight of it for dogs. You see which one's got some fight in it. That's the one you keep. You send the rest to the farm. Are you proud of the one that bit the other one? Is that your favorite one now?
You're doing great. On paper, you are the best interviewer ever. Yeah, you're doing great. You're a black Italian cripple with too many dogs. this.
You're doing great. On paper, you are the best interviewer ever. Yeah, you're doing great. You're a black Italian cripple with too many dogs. this.
He's Black man. You're Robin, but it's spelled R-O-B-I-N apostrophe.
He's Black man. You're Robin, but it's spelled R-O-B-I-N apostrophe.
So you got a knee injury that infects the face and you go home to your house with no money and eight dogs and you go, one day love.
So you got a knee injury that infects the face and you go home to your house with no money and eight dogs and you go, one day love.
It's starting to sound like a three-year-old grown up and tells a story. You know when kids are like, and then there was an apple and the apple talked to me and then I fell on my knee and the knee hurt my face and there was a woman and she couldn't hear and she gave me money. But I walked away. I went home. I had eight dogs at that house. I love you. You're the best quality person I've ever met.
It's starting to sound like a three-year-old grown up and tells a story. You know when kids are like, and then there was an apple and the apple talked to me and then I fell on my knee and the knee hurt my face and there was a woman and she couldn't hear and she gave me money. But I walked away. I went home. I had eight dogs at that house. I love you. You're the best quality person I've ever met.
Well, you were the first black man they had ever seen in Florida. You're right.
Well, you were the first black man they had ever seen in Florida. You're right.
Has Alex become a known commodity at the area where everyone's hanging out waiting to get on the show?
Has Alex become a known commodity at the area where everyone's hanging out waiting to get on the show?
I went to Portland once, and it was the gayest homeless people I'd ever seen.
I went to Portland once, and it was the gayest homeless people I'd ever seen.
The other thing, they have the sign language lady. And I did a set in Portland with a sign language lady doing my set. And halfway through the set, she just crossed her arms and refused to communicate what I was saying to the deaf people. It's very liberal there.
The other thing, they have the sign language lady. And I did a set in Portland with a sign language lady doing my set. And halfway through the set, she just crossed her arms and refused to communicate what I was saying to the deaf people. It's very liberal there.
But you're meant to do that with millions of dollars on either side, and you... We're snowballing. We're snowballing. Sorry.
But you're meant to do that with millions of dollars on either side, and you... We're snowballing. We're snowballing. Sorry.
Lisa, you've dishonored our country. These people already think we're extremely racist because of our racism.
Lisa, you've dishonored our country. These people already think we're extremely racist because of our racism.
Can you tell me what it meant?
Can you tell me what it meant?
You were saying the N-word that you weren't meant to say was Nutella.
You were saying the N-word that you weren't meant to say was Nutella.
Okay. Where are you from in Australia?
Okay. Where are you from in Australia?
No, I had an engagement breakdown in Melbourne. It's a shit city and I can't say enough bad things about it. They monopolised our football. They stole our Grand Prix. They talked down on the people of Adelaide. Shame on Melbourne. Wow.
No, I had an engagement breakdown in Melbourne. It's a shit city and I can't say enough bad things about it. They monopolised our football. They stole our Grand Prix. They talked down on the people of Adelaide. Shame on Melbourne. Wow.
There's actually, Kim, after the South Sudanese War, there was a huge influx of Nutellas into Melbourne. And they have changed the game in Australian football. Every team has a great big seven foot Nutella now out there. Yeah.
There's actually, Kim, after the South Sudanese War, there was a huge influx of Nutellas into Melbourne. And they have changed the game in Australian football. Every team has a great big seven foot Nutella now out there. Yeah.
How long have you been in America?
How long have you been in America?
What's the weirdest thing about America so far?
What's the weirdest thing about America so far?
Yeah. No, I don't know why they made trucks so big here. They just made them big enough to kill children without knowing about it. They want them big enough to kill a basketball playing Nutella. Do you know what I'm saying about? These trucks, it's too much. I apologise.
Yeah. No, I don't know why they made trucks so big here. They just made them big enough to kill children without knowing about it. They want them big enough to kill a basketball playing Nutella. Do you know what I'm saying about? These trucks, it's too much. I apologise.
We've got our very own Love on the Spectrum happening right here on Kill Time.
We've got our very own Love on the Spectrum happening right here on Kill Time.
This man's got eight dogs. He's got eight dogs.
This man's got eight dogs. He's got eight dogs.
Lisa, I want you to know this is just what America's like. It's like this every single day forever. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Lisa, I want you to know this is just what America's like. It's like this every single day forever. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What are you going to do, skin the dogs?
What are you going to do, skin the dogs?
Oh, now's the time to say it, but I'm too afraid. I was a coward. My ninja. Nutella. I'll regret that for the rest of my life. Damn! No, I won't do it anymore.
Oh, now's the time to say it, but I'm too afraid. I was a coward. My ninja. Nutella. I'll regret that for the rest of my life. Damn! No, I won't do it anymore.
Feel free to bleep that. Maybe it's one of the parts of the show that just stays in the room.
Feel free to bleep that. Maybe it's one of the parts of the show that just stays in the room.
Okay. You know in Back to the Future where Michael J. Fox plays to his parents' generation? Your kids are going to love that. You're not ready for it yet. But that's 20 years time. I'm doing the most charitable read I can, friend.
Okay. You know in Back to the Future where Michael J. Fox plays to his parents' generation? Your kids are going to love that. You're not ready for it yet. But that's 20 years time. I'm doing the most charitable read I can, friend.
But they didn't, Tony. You know, it's like abstract art. A four year old could do that, but they didn't. He's out here taking chances. That is true. It was not a good one.
But they didn't, Tony. You know, it's like abstract art. A four year old could do that, but they didn't. He's out here taking chances. That is true. It was not a good one.
That's frankly the best that could have gone for all of us, I think.
That's frankly the best that could have gone for all of us, I think.
Guys, you're the biggest country in the world. You don't have to pick on Estonia. You can pick on a big, cool country. Fuck Australia. We're a real country.
Guys, you're the biggest country in the world. You don't have to pick on Estonia. You can pick on a big, cool country. Fuck Australia. We're a real country.
What's happening with those drones over New Jersey? Fucking China getting up in your face? You're all being bitches about them drones up in New Jersey. Real Americans would have shot them down, but you're just taking it like a cock. What are you doing in New Jersey, America?
What's happening with those drones over New Jersey? Fucking China getting up in your face? You're all being bitches about them drones up in New Jersey. Real Americans would have shot them down, but you're just taking it like a cock. What are you doing in New Jersey, America?
Also, I like with the wrestling theme, you've dressed as The Rock from that 90s photo shoot.
Also, I like with the wrestling theme, you've dressed as The Rock from that 90s photo shoot.
You would be very good in the next West Side Story, I think.
You would be very good in the next West Side Story, I think.
Yeah, if you'd kept talking for five more seconds, he would have done it.
Yeah, if you'd kept talking for five more seconds, he would have done it.
It does sound closer to the guy who gives black people a problem than the black guy.
It does sound closer to the guy who gives black people a problem than the black guy.
You're talking about the little girl from Stranger Things was in the... It's a bald white bitch.
You're talking about the little girl from Stranger Things was in the... It's a bald white bitch.
He's like, remember the train crashing on Stranger Things? No. One of them shows. You remember when you choke out a child in an RV like on Stranger Things?
He's like, remember the train crashing on Stranger Things? No. One of them shows. You remember when you choke out a child in an RV like on Stranger Things?
No, I'm sure you didn't do that. You seem like a nice guy.
No, I'm sure you didn't do that. You seem like a nice guy.
Man, I love that you said you wouldn't get on a Greyhound bus. I've been on the Greyhound bus in this country. It's just 57 years. I've... I sat next to... I was on a Greyhound bus from Cleveland to Pittsburgh. This is a fun wrestling story. Yeah. I sat next to a man who was on speed with schizophrenia, and he told me the truth about Chris Benoit. What? Wait, what is the truth?
Man, I love that you said you wouldn't get on a Greyhound bus. I've been on the Greyhound bus in this country. It's just 57 years. I've... I sat next to... I was on a Greyhound bus from Cleveland to Pittsburgh. This is a fun wrestling story. Yeah. I sat next to a man who was on speed with schizophrenia, and he told me the truth about Chris Benoit. What? Wait, what is the truth?
He knew a secret about Chris Benoit. Yeah, let's hear it. He was a good man. And the whole time I was like, okie dokie then. Yeah, he only killed his family to send them to God. Oh my God, alright. And he said, you can't judge a man for that. And I was like, I didn't know I'd be seeing you again up here on the stage so soon.
He knew a secret about Chris Benoit. Yeah, let's hear it. He was a good man. And the whole time I was like, okie dokie then. Yeah, he only killed his family to send them to God. Oh my God, alright. And he said, you can't judge a man for that. And I was like, I didn't know I'd be seeing you again up here on the stage so soon.
They don't know what they're talking about. Don't believe these haters. I appreciate you. That's the fresh new sound that's going to be coming out the radio. That's right.
They don't know what they're talking about. Don't believe these haters. I appreciate you. That's the fresh new sound that's going to be coming out the radio. That's right.
No, I think the world is ready for white guys rap talking over guitars.
No, I think the world is ready for white guys rap talking over guitars.
It's been 15 quiet years without that. You've got the courage to bring it back. You getting booed here, that's like Dylan going electric.
It's been 15 quiet years without that. You've got the courage to bring it back. You getting booed here, that's like Dylan going electric.
You should think about, you should wear a dog next time. Wear a dog. Wear a dog. Put a dog's body on your shoulders. I'm trying to explain it.
You should think about, you should wear a dog next time. Wear a dog. Wear a dog. Put a dog's body on your shoulders. I'm trying to explain it.
I've been nothing but good to you. Let me tell you, you've got more talent in your thumb than you've got in the rest of your body.
I've been nothing but good to you. Let me tell you, you've got more talent in your thumb than you've got in the rest of your body.
God had to cripple this man or he'd be too powerful. He'd be too funny. I love you too. Say it again. Say it again.
God had to cripple this man or he'd be too powerful. He'd be too funny. I love you too. Say it again. Say it again.
I would personally like the Japanese voice if that's possible.
I would personally like the Japanese voice if that's possible.
He was reaching for the... What? I saw the button you were going to push accidentally.
He was reaching for the... What? I saw the button you were going to push accidentally.
It wasn't on purpose. They've got all the animals on the iPad and he was accidentally going to press the chimp button. It wasn't the chimp button. And then he stopped because he's not a racist.
It wasn't on purpose. They've got all the animals on the iPad and he was accidentally going to press the chimp button. It wasn't the chimp button. And then he stopped because he's not a racist.
Fucking make... You don't have a Canadian accent. I didn't know you were from Canada.
Fucking make... You don't have a Canadian accent. I didn't know you were from Canada.
Wow. Don't you do that to our sweet Australian women. You keep our voices out of your fun. Do you know how long we waited for Bluey to be successful so we could finally have something in this country? Do you know how big a gap it was from Steve Irwin dying to Bluey for us to have anything in this country? You try and bring us down?
Wow. Don't you do that to our sweet Australian women. You keep our voices out of your fun. Do you know how long we waited for Bluey to be successful so we could finally have something in this country? Do you know how big a gap it was from Steve Irwin dying to Bluey for us to have anything in this country? You try and bring us down?
He'll have free fall and ready to go in a minute and a half. It's fine. What happened?
He'll have free fall and ready to go in a minute and a half. It's fine. What happened?
Did you say it was your uncle? You were waiting for your uncle to turn up? Who was late? My cousins. How long after the accident did you start blaming your cousins for making that happen? Immediately. All right, nice.
Did you say it was your uncle? You were waiting for your uncle to turn up? Who was late? My cousins. How long after the accident did you start blaming your cousins for making that happen? Immediately. All right, nice.
Very true. Is there a rivalry on that team between men who were born disabled and those who have become disabled? That's a great question. Do some feel more proud to be there?
Very true. Is there a rivalry on that team between men who were born disabled and those who have become disabled? That's a great question. Do some feel more proud to be there?
You could say that. It's weird that the caste system even exists in the world of disability, but that's... But wait, the newer crippled people look down on the longer crippled people?
You could say that. It's weird that the caste system even exists in the world of disability, but that's... But wait, the newer crippled people look down on the longer crippled people?
What, you're like, you don't even fucking know how good it is to walk. Right. You dog. That's what I'm trying to say.
What, you're like, you don't even fucking know how good it is to walk. Right. You dog. That's what I'm trying to say.
There's a lady wooing very loud over there for you this evening. Are you from Austin?
There's a lady wooing very loud over there for you this evening. Are you from Austin?
You don't have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable.
You don't have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable.
My favorite bit of the set is where I thought you were saying he had a glove with the tits cut off.
My favorite bit of the set is where I thought you were saying he had a glove with the tits cut off.
Can I ask what that was? Why did he have a glove with the tips?
Can I ask what that was? Why did he have a glove with the tips?
Look, I'm thrilled. I don't know if you know this. I don't know if you... I was the first one back after everyone pulled out last time with the Puerto Rico unpleasantness. This is true. But I wanted to say this. This is exactly my one year anniversary of being in America. I flew like 30 hours last year. I sat backstage, Danny Brown was asleep. I don't know what was going on there.
Look, I'm thrilled. I don't know if you know this. I don't know if you... I was the first one back after everyone pulled out last time with the Puerto Rico unpleasantness. This is true. But I wanted to say this. This is exactly my one year anniversary of being in America. I flew like 30 hours last year. I sat backstage, Danny Brown was asleep. I don't know what was going on there.
We have perfectly good bedrooms. We talk in a normal way. No, you don't. Listen to yourself. Yeah, it's fair. You sound like a moron. Here's what's hard. I've been here for long enough now that I went to the airport to go back to Australia and as I was in line, I heard a woman talking and I thought, fuck, she's retarded. And then I realised it was my accent that I was hearing coming back to me.
We have perfectly good bedrooms. We talk in a normal way. No, you don't. Listen to yourself. Yeah, it's fair. You sound like a moron. Here's what's hard. I've been here for long enough now that I went to the airport to go back to Australia and as I was in line, I heard a woman talking and I thought, fuck, she's retarded. And then I realised it was my accent that I was hearing coming back to me.
Retarded. You gotta pay the respect to where it came from, you know?
Retarded. You gotta pay the respect to where it came from, you know?
It is weird that this is what the biggest conservative podcast in America looks like. Right? Like, Conservative has changed its meeting pretty drastically over the last two years. Look, so let me speak for... It's a right-wing podcast.
It is weird that this is what the biggest conservative podcast in America looks like. Right? Like, Conservative has changed its meeting pretty drastically over the last two years. Look, so let me speak for... It's a right-wing podcast.
This is the first place I went and I've gone from watching the show. It's an honor to be here and I want to thank all the Kill Tony people up here and out there who've made it happen. This is the most beautiful thing. Two of the funniest guys.
This is the first place I went and I've gone from watching the show. It's an honor to be here and I want to thank all the Kill Tony people up here and out there who've made it happen. This is the most beautiful thing. Two of the funniest guys.
Whatever happened to good old fashioned heterosexual love? Well, cause here's the problem. Who gets sick of girl on top and needs to bring tits and a dick into the equation?
Whatever happened to good old fashioned heterosexual love? Well, cause here's the problem. Who gets sick of girl on top and needs to bring tits and a dick into the equation?
This is the world that people who hated the Beatles were afraid of. They knew it started with a man with long hair, and it ended here. attacking a prostitute for not doing drugs with you on the internet.
This is the world that people who hated the Beatles were afraid of. They knew it started with a man with long hair, and it ended here. attacking a prostitute for not doing drugs with you on the internet.
I went with the sandwich, you went with the penis. There was a fork in your mouth.
I went with the sandwich, you went with the penis. There was a fork in your mouth.
David Lucas looked like Pusha T ate Biggie Smalls. I'm not taking this from you.
David Lucas looked like Pusha T ate Biggie Smalls. I'm not taking this from you.
Well, if people would stop canceling right before the show started, I'd have some time to prepare. I called- You bitch! You dumb bitch! You're so nice backstage. What is this weird persona? Why are you acting all nasty in front of these 8,000 people? Your mama raised you better than that.
Well, if people would stop canceling right before the show started, I'd have some time to prepare. I called- You bitch! You dumb bitch! You're so nice backstage. What is this weird persona? Why are you acting all nasty in front of these 8,000 people? Your mama raised you better than that.
Oh yes, you look like a very handsome man indeed. You don't have any problems going on in the body. People in glass houses shouldn't eat so much, David.
Oh yes, you look like a very handsome man indeed. You don't have any problems going on in the body. People in glass houses shouldn't eat so much, David.
Jonah Rosa looked like someone who was giving Richard Nixon advice. He does. Look at him. You do. Look at him. You can't just make me laugh. I watched a Watergate documentary.
Jonah Rosa looked like someone who was giving Richard Nixon advice. He does. Look at him. You do. Look at him. You can't just make me laugh. I watched a Watergate documentary.
In my country, I'm very, very fat. For real? Australia, yeah. In America, I'm doing okay.
In my country, I'm very, very fat. For real? Australia, yeah. In America, I'm doing okay.
I have been riding around on the scooters at the Walmart. That is a good time. I've seen you there. We've been out there together.
I have been riding around on the scooters at the Walmart. That is a good time. I've seen you there. We've been out there together.
No, I had this man picked as a Whole Foods man, because he's eating the Whole Foods up in that store. That's all I have, I'm sorry. Yeah.
No, I had this man picked as a Whole Foods man, because he's eating the Whole Foods up in that store. That's all I have, I'm sorry. Yeah.
Do you people like Oklahoma or hate Oklahoma?
Do you people like Oklahoma or hate Oklahoma?
It is hard to follow Andrew Dice Clay. People do say that. That's fair.
It is hard to follow Andrew Dice Clay. People do say that. That's fair.
You've only done comedy for a little while. It's impossible to hit him between the eyes.
You've only done comedy for a little while. It's impossible to hit him between the eyes.
You don't have to be afraid of anything anymore.
You don't have to be afraid of anything anymore.
He's going to be back. He's going to make it. This is like when Trump went to that White House correspondence dinner and everyone was laughing at him and he was like, fuck you, I'm going to take over. That guy's going to get some jokes and he's going to be back. He could end up being the best comedian of all time one day. Yeah, I'll suck up his booze. I don't care. I'm strong.
He's going to be back. He's going to make it. This is like when Trump went to that White House correspondence dinner and everyone was laughing at him and he was like, fuck you, I'm going to take over. That guy's going to get some jokes and he's going to be back. He could end up being the best comedian of all time one day. Yeah, I'll suck up his booze. I don't care. I'm strong.
If you figure it out, you let me know.
You can grab the stand. You can put them behind your back. You can... Yeah, that's good. Yeah, put them behind your back.
Yeah, yeah, right. All right, cool. No one's rocking that one. I've been thinking about doing that. Wait, what? I've been thinking about doing all my jokes like this. Hey, everybody, I'm from Australia. You know, teacup over there. That would be crazy. This one, if you're a gay or a woman, that's an option.
I want to give that one a fizz bump. I want to celebrate that. You love it. Oh, boy. If you get out there on the road as a stand-up comedian alone in those hotels, good luck, friend.
Wow. That is hard because they're telling you you're a good boy but you're doing a very dark and shameful thing. Yeah. And then you feel really good and then you feel really bad. You're trapped. Yeah.
This man is speaking my language. I understand.
And some higher education. Am I right, everybody? Come on now. Come on, everybody.
Once again, it's J-D-F McCann, M-double-C-A-double-N dot com, and then you have to click a couple things to get to the ticket.
But once you get there, it's great.
Don't they all? That's the happy ending to your novel is that the serial killer finds inner peace.
Yeah, there's a lot of fellow autistic men out there looking after their own, very proud.
You guys are worse than Oklahoma? Yeah, yeah. I need to look after my daughter. I'm going to send her to the teen pregnancy capital of the world. I actually love Oklahoma.
Tulsa, man? Oklahoma City is where I grew up. Also, I'm done with, that's all I know now about Oklahoma.
Yes, it was so good to me at first. I thought at some point he's going to try and fuck me. And he never did. That's true. He never did. He hasn't.
I was going to say, I don't think that's what that means.
See, a Japanese man knows he doesn't have to chase the hoes, you know? You stand next to them on public transport and you grab. That's the... I know, it's a beautiful part of your culture. Yes. I'm a big fan. Yeah.
That's the accent the last guy was doing. It was great. What do you mean?
You can't argue with results. This man is here.
I got one of those minis. I'm going to warn people before that happens.
Go ahead, James McKay. What, are you going to try and take eight emotional support dogs on a jet? What are you talking about? Have you seen this guy's pinky? He needs it. He's got to nibble down the rest of the fingers with wild dogs. You need the government to approve having more than five dogs.
You start filming it for TikTok. You make the ultimate fight of it for dogs. You see which one's got some fight in it. That's the one you keep. You send the rest to the farm. Are you proud of the one that bit the other one? Is that your favorite one now?
You're doing great. On paper, you are the best interviewer ever. Yeah, you're doing great. You're a black Italian cripple with too many dogs. this.
He's Black man. You're Robin, but it's spelled R-O-B-I-N apostrophe.
So you got a knee injury that infects the face and you go home to your house with no money and eight dogs and you go, one day love.
It's starting to sound like a three-year-old grown up and tells a story. You know when kids are like, and then there was an apple and the apple talked to me and then I fell on my knee and the knee hurt my face and there was a woman and she couldn't hear and she gave me money. But I walked away. I went home. I had eight dogs at that house. I love you. You're the best quality person I've ever met.
Well, you were the first black man they had ever seen in Florida. You're right.
Has Alex become a known commodity at the area where everyone's hanging out waiting to get on the show?
I went to Portland once, and it was the gayest homeless people I'd ever seen.
The other thing, they have the sign language lady. And I did a set in Portland with a sign language lady doing my set. And halfway through the set, she just crossed her arms and refused to communicate what I was saying to the deaf people. It's very liberal there.
But you're meant to do that with millions of dollars on either side, and you... We're snowballing. We're snowballing. Sorry.
Lisa, you've dishonored our country. These people already think we're extremely racist because of our racism.
Can you tell me what it meant?
You were saying the N-word that you weren't meant to say was Nutella.
Okay. Where are you from in Australia?
No, I had an engagement breakdown in Melbourne. It's a shit city and I can't say enough bad things about it. They monopolised our football. They stole our Grand Prix. They talked down on the people of Adelaide. Shame on Melbourne. Wow.
There's actually, Kim, after the South Sudanese War, there was a huge influx of Nutellas into Melbourne. And they have changed the game in Australian football. Every team has a great big seven foot Nutella now out there. Yeah.
How long have you been in America?
What's the weirdest thing about America so far?
Yeah. No, I don't know why they made trucks so big here. They just made them big enough to kill children without knowing about it. They want them big enough to kill a basketball playing Nutella. Do you know what I'm saying about? These trucks, it's too much. I apologise.
We've got our very own Love on the Spectrum happening right here on Kill Time.
This man's got eight dogs. He's got eight dogs.
Lisa, I want you to know this is just what America's like. It's like this every single day forever. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What are you going to do, skin the dogs?
Oh, now's the time to say it, but I'm too afraid. I was a coward. My ninja. Nutella. I'll regret that for the rest of my life. Damn! No, I won't do it anymore.
Feel free to bleep that. Maybe it's one of the parts of the show that just stays in the room.
Okay. You know in Back to the Future where Michael J. Fox plays to his parents' generation? Your kids are going to love that. You're not ready for it yet. But that's 20 years time. I'm doing the most charitable read I can, friend.
But they didn't, Tony. You know, it's like abstract art. A four year old could do that, but they didn't. He's out here taking chances. That is true. It was not a good one.
Look out. More detail than ever got to be put into that one.
Steelers nation, baby. There are no gay people in Pittsburgh. Or black people, actually. Come to think of it, there's not a big... But that was big for you, the Super Bowl? Oh, yeah. Great. Okay. I let Tony do the questions. All right, there you go, yeah.
Must be a big steak. Tomahawk. What do you mean? She's been cooking that steak up for three years. Must be huge. What, it wasn't worse than geese fire.
It's business and pleasure at that restaurant by the sounds of things. Goodness me.
You did seem over-eager to hear about how a gay relationship could work. Well, it is exciting. Like I said, there's never a gay relationship. The lesbians manage to do it every single time. Exactly.
Get the Hallmark Channel on the phone, because I think that is a love story that they're ready to immortalize.
Every night. So you have a younger partner who doesn't drive, who you financially take care of. If you make some very small changes, the Muslim world is going to embrace you.
No, it's just to get those numbers, you'd have to have that happening repeatedly. It just seems like a weird combination to happen through the generation. Am I wrong? No. 50-50, you'd go, I understand that. 75-25, even then, it kind of checks out. 70-30 is... You gotta have... It's gotta have happened like four times in different ways back and forward. Black and Scottish.
Welcome, welcome, James. You do an art podcast.
She said she would have me on, and then she never got in contact ever again. I'm... Whoa.
I think I have interesting things to say about the post-war period. Yeah? Tell us. What's interesting? Western civilization falls apart.
Man's in humanity to man. No? Anyway, it's probably not good on a comedy podcast to talk about that, but... No, you know what I'm talking about? You go to a museum, you go to the art museum and like you walk in and it's all great. It's all like Greek stuff. Wow. Medieval paintings of little naked children. That's really good. And then World War I happens and it's just fucking nothing.
All right. If that art is a couch, though, Tony will talk about it for years at a time. Yes. Nothing better than listening to people talk about art.
We shouldn't all just celebrate our first drink, but I remember my first drink. It was great. It was a vodka cruiser. Do you have those here? No, what is that? It's like vodka and pink lemonade. It's a very girly drink.
What about on sobriety? Thanks. You're welcome. I would never do it. Yeah.
What is the overlap in the fine art world between... I think of that as a golden retriever profession. I think of pit bulls as more of like, Cadillacs bouncing up and down. Yeah. No, is that not right?
No. No, I think they kill children every year.
No, they killed so many children. I think there are big parts of the world you can't get that dog. But you like that it's dangerous. You have a weird sex thing for the dog.
But did you make that extremely scary noise happen halfway through the set? Because if you did do that, that would be very impressive.
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Are we going to address that during the commercial break that was the most insane and rowdy back and forward?
Let me tell you, it's worth coming to the show and not watching it online because there was a full weird situation in the commercial break.
Found out you loved antiquing. Oh, that's true. You think you can just bury that you love antiquing and we're not all going to want to talk about it?
That's got to be a... That's like a Muslim parent's dream, though.
You don't have to go and get the village woman to come and do it for you.
It was so funny, I forgot that we heard a story about a federal witness, which I really thought would stay with me.
Let me tell you. You wouldn't know yet. Tony, with all the gay rumors floating around, was quick to kibosh his love of antiquity.
Right. I think it's just... They have filthy blood and you have the pure blood of the... No, I just have sweet blood.
Yeah, I'm trying to be nice to them. Wait, do you come from a fancy bloodline?
You would be such a good Antiques Roadshow host as well. I want to. It's worth nothing! Get him out!
Oh. Well, that's filthy evil blood. No, it's not!
I don't know. I'm just kidding. I'm just having fun.
This is, like, word for word a conversation I had with an Indian cab driver once. That's...
What a fake religion. I mean, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Who could look into the eyes of a sweet, beautiful dog and say angels hate you? They're just scared. Catholics would never do that. We've done other stuff, but we would never make that. We would never make that particular mistake. I'm sorry.
We need to go back and take over the Holy Land again so that dogs can run wild and free through the streets.
We have the cheapest projector from Walmart so the children don't get addicted. It's a good... It's a good policy.
Nobody's gotten fired? I've been fired that way from a lot of fast food restaurants in my time. I was at Subway. I was at McDonald's. I was at some ones you don't have over here. Like what? Billy Baxter's Cafe. It was run by Chinese people and they wanted me to be the face of it because they thought it was weird for Chinese people to have a cafe.
And there were just like six old ladies who would sit in the middle and frown at me. They owned it. They would just sit and frown at the fat white boy who can't be charismatic enough. Who's laughing now, Billy Baxter's Cafe? No, they went out of business. And that was in Australia? Sweet Adelaide, Australia. I think you're a charismatic man, and I think you can do better than a smoke shop.
Also, I find the smoke shop weird and disturbing. I don't like them.
They're fucking in vans all over the street, peddling marijuana to young people. Sorry. I thought it was illegal in Texas and they're standing on the street trying to get people high. That's a pusher. Next thing you know, they'll be murdering some guy's autistic brother. I like the set. Appreciate you, man. You're welcome.
You were the first act in a long time that I wasn't worried was going to die soon or was currently tripping.
I'll take over. So you've done it before? What did we have you do last time you were on the show?
Hey, you're right, you're right, you're right. Do you have a girlfriend or anything? I did. What happened?
No, it closed down. It was in Adelaide Arcade. Why? Have they still got one there?
Two stars. After all the beautiful hosting work I was doing, you do it. You stitch me up.
Did you talk about yourself in the third person? I did, I did. That might have been what was missing. Do you often talk about yourself in the third person?
There are no classy smoke shops. It's always a little woman who looks like she's emaciated and she's going to fall down.
It's what marijuana can do to you. I want you to turn your life around. Who knows what you could achieve if you put that down?
Oh, I hope we find a big, beautiful star tonight. Can you feel it, ladies and gentlemen? Good news.
You said that was a crazy sandwich. That was the most sane sandwich I've ever heard described.
This is turning into a financial problem. I know, yeah.
This feels like the end of Legally Blonde.
You're like, you're trying to nail him for something.
Sorry, how do you go from... You seem pretty young to have had a midlife crisis and said, I'm going into cake decoration. I'm so happy you have an interesting job that we can talk about in the show.
What cakes do you like to decorate? Wedding cakes? Kids' birthday cakes? Do you do it at HEB or a fancy place? I'm fascinated.
And you've coupled that with the I have grandchildren sweater?
I don't believe in Depop. I think that's the weak way to do it. I go to the big, weird Goodwill with all the troughs and the angry Hispanics fighting you for the stuff. That's what I do. Do you know what I'm talking about?
Nope. I thought the joke at the end was good. Thank you. I just wanted to be supportive, and it was.
Well, that's not them hanging out there. You're luring these cats.
I didn't know the show was going to go for nine hours tonight.
A woman will cheat and not even come was like a beautiful poem or something, you know?
I was starting to think it was me. I thought I was bringing the best nod. I know, James!
After this show, I'm going to have to just stare into a flower for half an hour.
Take me there! Maybe. Maybe I'm autistic, but I fucking love getting on that train. Pittsburgh airport. I'm like, fuck, I wish I could have taken a train to this airport. Bang! I'm on a train. I love it. I love it. Wow. We're going to find a superstar here tonight. Can you feel it?
It's the nicest thing Ari has ever said to me.
I'm going to say it will sound very racist, but it's not. That was nothing. That was 96. The important thing. No, I saw this. I'm disabled, asshole. No, no.
I read this on Twitter. This was a white nationalist talking point that I didn't like, but I saw it. But apparently white guys have the strongest grip strength and black guys on average have very low grip strength. I read this. And apparently one of the theories was this is why people don't do handshakes. It's all slapping and fist bumping to not expose.
But every black guy in the green room is crushing this. That's not true at all.
No, it's not your fault. The next great comedian in America is behind that curtain. Well, not yet, they're not. There might be six or seven people behind that curtain. There might be 154 more people behind that curtain. But I believe that greatness is going to walk out of here tonight.
What a pervert you are. My God. I treat all women with dignity and respect. Let's move on, please. Jesus Christ almighty.
James, tell them. Thank you for having me. I can't believe it's over. We did it. What a beautiful country. What a beautiful show.
That's frankly the best that could have gone for all of us, I think.
Guys, you're the biggest country in the world. You don't have to pick on Estonia. You can pick on a big, cool country. Fuck Australia. We're a real country.
What's happening with those drones over New Jersey? Fucking China getting up in your face? You're all being bitches about them drones up in New Jersey. Real Americans would have shot them down, but you're just taking it like a cock. What are you doing in New Jersey, America?
Also, I like with the wrestling theme, you've dressed as The Rock from that 90s photo shoot.
You would be very good in the next West Side Story, I think.
Yeah, if you'd kept talking for five more seconds, he would have done it.
It does sound closer to the guy who gives black people a problem than the black guy.
You're talking about the little girl from Stranger Things was in the... It's a bald white bitch.
He's like, remember the train crashing on Stranger Things? No. One of them shows. You remember when you choke out a child in an RV like on Stranger Things?
No, I'm sure you didn't do that. You seem like a nice guy.
Man, I love that you said you wouldn't get on a Greyhound bus. I've been on the Greyhound bus in this country. It's just 57 years. I've... I sat next to... I was on a Greyhound bus from Cleveland to Pittsburgh. This is a fun wrestling story. Yeah. I sat next to a man who was on speed with schizophrenia, and he told me the truth about Chris Benoit. What? Wait, what is the truth?
He knew a secret about Chris Benoit. Yeah, let's hear it. He was a good man. And the whole time I was like, okie dokie then. Yeah, he only killed his family to send them to God. Oh my God, alright. And he said, you can't judge a man for that. And I was like, I didn't know I'd be seeing you again up here on the stage so soon.
They don't know what they're talking about. Don't believe these haters. I appreciate you. That's the fresh new sound that's going to be coming out the radio. That's right.
No, I think the world is ready for white guys rap talking over guitars.
It's been 15 quiet years without that. You've got the courage to bring it back. You getting booed here, that's like Dylan going electric.
You should think about, you should wear a dog next time. Wear a dog. Wear a dog. Put a dog's body on your shoulders. I'm trying to explain it.
I've been nothing but good to you. Let me tell you, you've got more talent in your thumb than you've got in the rest of your body.
God had to cripple this man or he'd be too powerful. He'd be too funny. I love you too. Say it again. Say it again.
I would personally like the Japanese voice if that's possible.
He was reaching for the... What? I saw the button you were going to push accidentally.
It wasn't on purpose. They've got all the animals on the iPad and he was accidentally going to press the chimp button. It wasn't the chimp button. And then he stopped because he's not a racist.
Fucking make... You don't have a Canadian accent. I didn't know you were from Canada.
Wow. Don't you do that to our sweet Australian women. You keep our voices out of your fun. Do you know how long we waited for Bluey to be successful so we could finally have something in this country? Do you know how big a gap it was from Steve Irwin dying to Bluey for us to have anything in this country? You try and bring us down?
He'll have free fall and ready to go in a minute and a half. It's fine. What happened?
Did you say it was your uncle? You were waiting for your uncle to turn up? Who was late? My cousins. How long after the accident did you start blaming your cousins for making that happen? Immediately. All right, nice.
Very true. Is there a rivalry on that team between men who were born disabled and those who have become disabled? That's a great question. Do some feel more proud to be there?
You could say that. It's weird that the caste system even exists in the world of disability, but that's... But wait, the newer crippled people look down on the longer crippled people?
What, you're like, you don't even fucking know how good it is to walk. Right. You dog. That's what I'm trying to say.
There's a lady wooing very loud over there for you this evening. Are you from Austin?
You don't have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable.
My favorite bit of the set is where I thought you were saying he had a glove with the tits cut off.
Can I ask what that was? Why did he have a glove with the tips?
Look, I'm thrilled. I don't know if you know this. I don't know if you... I was the first one back after everyone pulled out last time with the Puerto Rico unpleasantness. This is true. But I wanted to say this. This is exactly my one year anniversary of being in America. I flew like 30 hours last year. I sat backstage, Danny Brown was asleep. I don't know what was going on there.
We have perfectly good bedrooms. We talk in a normal way. No, you don't. Listen to yourself. Yeah, it's fair. You sound like a moron. Here's what's hard. I've been here for long enough now that I went to the airport to go back to Australia and as I was in line, I heard a woman talking and I thought, fuck, she's retarded. And then I realised it was my accent that I was hearing coming back to me.
Retarded. You gotta pay the respect to where it came from, you know?
It is weird that this is what the biggest conservative podcast in America looks like. Right? Like, Conservative has changed its meeting pretty drastically over the last two years. Look, so let me speak for... It's a right-wing podcast.
This is the first place I went and I've gone from watching the show. It's an honor to be here and I want to thank all the Kill Tony people up here and out there who've made it happen. This is the most beautiful thing. Two of the funniest guys.
Whatever happened to good old fashioned heterosexual love? Well, cause here's the problem. Who gets sick of girl on top and needs to bring tits and a dick into the equation?
This is the world that people who hated the Beatles were afraid of. They knew it started with a man with long hair, and it ended here. attacking a prostitute for not doing drugs with you on the internet.
I went with the sandwich, you went with the penis. There was a fork in your mouth.
David Lucas looked like Pusha T ate Biggie Smalls. I'm not taking this from you.
Well, if people would stop canceling right before the show started, I'd have some time to prepare. I called- You bitch! You dumb bitch! You're so nice backstage. What is this weird persona? Why are you acting all nasty in front of these 8,000 people? Your mama raised you better than that.
Oh yes, you look like a very handsome man indeed. You don't have any problems going on in the body. People in glass houses shouldn't eat so much, David.
Jonah Rosa looked like someone who was giving Richard Nixon advice. He does. Look at him. You do. Look at him. You can't just make me laugh. I watched a Watergate documentary.
In my country, I'm very, very fat. For real? Australia, yeah. In America, I'm doing okay.
I have been riding around on the scooters at the Walmart. That is a good time. I've seen you there. We've been out there together.
No, I had this man picked as a Whole Foods man, because he's eating the Whole Foods up in that store. That's all I have, I'm sorry. Yeah.
Do you people like Oklahoma or hate Oklahoma?
It is hard to follow Andrew Dice Clay. People do say that. That's fair.
You've only done comedy for a little while. It's impossible to hit him between the eyes.
You don't have to be afraid of anything anymore.
He's going to be back. He's going to make it. This is like when Trump went to that White House correspondence dinner and everyone was laughing at him and he was like, fuck you, I'm going to take over. That guy's going to get some jokes and he's going to be back. He could end up being the best comedian of all time one day. Yeah, I'll suck up his booze. I don't care. I'm strong.
The Thai people. I think they're the only ones who got their own monarchy. And the Japanese. That's it.
The Thai people. I think they're the only ones who got their own monarchy. And the Japanese. That's it.
Oh, there was a guy in Chicago. No. This is... All right. This is weird. But... They don't. There's like a ruling class of Ethiopia and they don't think it's biological. They can't find like a gene that does it. But if you join the ruling class of Ethiopia and they're all from all over the place, they all just start looking the same. For some reason, no one can figure it out. What?
Oh, there was a guy in Chicago. No. This is... All right. This is weird. But... They don't. There's like a ruling class of Ethiopia and they don't think it's biological. They can't find like a gene that does it. But if you join the ruling class of Ethiopia and they're all from all over the place, they all just start looking the same. For some reason, no one can figure it out. What?
It's very strange. But you can pick Ethiopian. I can see. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
It's very strange. But you can pick Ethiopian. I can see. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Kenyan. I'm getting better at Kenyan. The tribes within Kenya, I got nothing.
Yeah. Kenyan. I'm getting better at Kenyan. The tribes within Kenya, I got nothing.
There's not a hair cuttery at Walmart.
There's not a hair cuttery at Walmart.
Is there anything special about the 7-Eleven or just the placement?
Is there anything special about the 7-Eleven or just the placement?
I keep thinking of signing up to the Walmart bank. Every time I'd said I went to the barbershop and they had a monkey, people did say that. Monkey cut. People looked at me like I was dropping some terrible slur.
I keep thinking of signing up to the Walmart bank. Every time I'd said I went to the barbershop and they had a monkey, people did say that. Monkey cut. People looked at me like I was dropping some terrible slur.
How do you have a lottery ticket dispute?
How do you have a lottery ticket dispute?
He wanted to buy, it wasn't even redeeming a prize.
He wanted to buy, it wasn't even redeeming a prize.
He wanted his money to get more scratches.
He wanted his money to get more scratches.
Do you call them scratches?
Do you call them scratches?
Yeah, scratch-offs.
Yeah, scratch-offs.
I'll be back on that. Huh? I lost my card, so now I have to pay with my phone. Like, I have to pay ahead of time because I can't insert the card. But when I overpay and there's a little gap in the amount of gas to what I've given them. You get some scratches. Give me the scratches.
I'll be back on that. Huh? I lost my card, so now I have to pay with my phone. Like, I have to pay ahead of time because I can't insert the card. But when I overpay and there's a little gap in the amount of gas to what I've given them. You get some scratches. Give me the scratches.
I've got to prepay now. That's all I want to spend my excess money on is a little scratch. I try not to. I'm not overdoing it. I'm not going, give me $400 worth of gasoline.
I've got to prepay now. That's all I want to spend my excess money on is a little scratch. I try not to. I'm not overdoing it. I'm not going, give me $400 worth of gasoline.
When I was door-to-door sales, I would do that to get through the day. I would walk around with that. That's how I knew. I didn't realize I was depressed selling cable television door-to-door until a couple weeks later. I was like, I didn't used to spend $50 on scratch-off cars every day.
When I was door-to-door sales, I would do that to get through the day. I would walk around with that. That's how I knew. I didn't realize I was depressed selling cable television door-to-door until a couple weeks later. I was like, I didn't used to spend $50 on scratch-off cars every day.
Did your fingers start getting discolored from the little people? You can tell that there's a problem. There's a lot of lint following you around, little tiny bits of plastic.
Did your fingers start getting discolored from the little people? You can tell that there's a problem. There's a lot of lint following you around, little tiny bits of plastic.
It's a great birthday present for a child. It's the one bit of gambling that you can get a child in on.
It's a great birthday present for a child. It's the one bit of gambling that you can get a child in on.
You've got to pick someone of your race to cut your hair. The worst one I had was an Asian barber who had no idea what to do with hair.
You've got to pick someone of your race to cut your hair. The worst one I had was an Asian barber who had no idea what to do with hair.
Yeah. This is what I... I always think about gambling on it, but this is the year that I finally take it seriously. Because I think I can pick which song is going to win. They let you know what all the songs are beforehand. Every country in Europe has their own song, and then they compete and they vote. But I think... I think I could pick the winning song.
Yeah. This is what I... I always think about gambling on it, but this is the year that I finally take it seriously. Because I think I can pick which song is going to win. They let you know what all the songs are beforehand. Every country in Europe has their own song, and then they compete and they vote. But I think... I think I could pick the winning song.
I would listen to them and feel it in my heart what was the correct song.
I would listen to them and feel it in my heart what was the correct song.
It was an enormous failure. I don't know why.
It was an enormous failure. I don't know why.
Yeah, I've had a worse... This is not the worst haircut, if you can believe it. Best one I had was an ex-con in Adelaide. That was great.
Yeah, I've had a worse... This is not the worst haircut, if you can believe it. Best one I had was an ex-con in Adelaide. That was great.
It's like everyone has a football team from their state. That's great.
It's like everyone has a football team from their state. That's great.
Yeah, what the fuck? Just Wyoming is going to get crashed by California.
Yeah, what the fuck? Just Wyoming is going to get crashed by California.
Because the French showed you up one time. The mud floods. The mud slides. Wait, what was the mud slides?
Because the French showed you up one time. The mud floods. The mud slides. Wait, what was the mud slides?
Oh, this is the secret society?
Oh, this is the secret society?
I got a mullet. They knew what to do. They were respectful.
I got a mullet. They knew what to do. They were respectful.
You did not? Okay. I did not. Because I don't think I've ever spoken to Matt about it, and I've not spoken about it publicly.
You did not? Okay. I did not. Because I don't think I've ever spoken to Matt about it, and I've not spoken about it publicly.
He's heavy set for a tennis player. But I wanted to – it's a story about an older coach who can't play anymore. And if they find this dog – You sure you want to put the script out?
He's heavy set for a tennis player. But I wanted to – it's a story about an older coach who can't play anymore. And if they find this dog – You sure you want to put the script out?
I let the mullet grow out too much, and then I immediately look like a woman, a fat woman from...
I let the mullet grow out too much, and then I immediately look like a woman, a fat woman from...
All right, go ahead. You don't think I shouldn't describe it? Let's get it. I'll just say it's about a dog who plays tennis. We're now making a graphic novel.
All right, go ahead. You don't think I shouldn't describe it? Let's get it. I'll just say it's about a dog who plays tennis. We're now making a graphic novel.
All right. There's a little girl who has a dog. And he's a golden retriever. He's very good at tennis. It's Air Bud. Yeah. Air Bud. But this old coach is like, I want to win a golden slam. I want to win. I want to take this dog to all the great grand slams and win. And that's the only thing worth doing in tennis. But the first one they have to go to is Japan.
All right. There's a little girl who has a dog. And he's a golden retriever. He's very good at tennis. It's Air Bud. Yeah. Air Bud. But this old coach is like, I want to win a golden slam. I want to win. I want to take this dog to all the great grand slams and win. And that's the only thing worth doing in tennis. But the first one they have to go to is Japan.
Yeah, I want him to not shake a guy's hand. Everyone is very... They're like, great dishonor to not shake a man's hand. They start throwing swords because they want the dog to commit suicide. And then the dog goes up to the opponent's bag and opens it. And child pornography and marijuana come out of the bag. And people go... He was a bad guy. Wimbledog was right not to shake his hand.
Yeah, I want him to not shake a guy's hand. Everyone is very... They're like, great dishonor to not shake a man's hand. They start throwing swords because they want the dog to commit suicide. And then the dog goes up to the opponent's bag and opens it. And child pornography and marijuana come out of the bag. And people go... He was a bad guy. Wimbledog was right not to shake his hand.
But then they're only upset about the marijuana. They're like, the child pornography was good. That was some of the best child pornography we've ever seen. We love that in Japan. But marijuana, we don't tolerate at all. But I think this is a good family movie. I'm going to... I'll say it to you again. We're making it a graphic novel. And I appreciate... I asked very briefly and you said yes.
But then they're only upset about the marijuana. They're like, the child pornography was good. That was some of the best child pornography we've ever seen. We love that in Japan. But marijuana, we don't tolerate at all. But I think this is a good family movie. I'm going to... I'll say it to you again. We're making it a graphic novel. And I appreciate... I asked very briefly and you said yes.
And I didn't get a commitment publicly. But... I'm using your... We've started the artwork for Wimbledog. I've used your likeness in a graphic novel about... Well, hold on a second.
And I didn't get a commitment publicly. But... I'm using your... We've started the artwork for Wimbledog. I've used your likeness in a graphic novel about... Well, hold on a second.
You're not doing the child porn. All right.
You're not doing the child porn. All right.
It's a character that looks exactly like you in a graphic novel that a man, a beautiful man in Tulsa is drawing at the moment. But I think... I think you should, if you ever get time.
It's a character that looks exactly like you in a graphic novel that a man, a beautiful man in Tulsa is drawing at the moment. But I think... I think you should, if you ever get time.
I don't want to spoil the story about how he has to fight a robot dog at the end of the American Open. There's also a role for Matt as the evil villain in charge of the Tennis Federation who's offended that there's a dog competition. I can see it. I can see it. I think Wimbledog, I mean, stand-up comedy, that was my love me do. This is my Sergeant Peppers, Wimbledog.
I don't want to spoil the story about how he has to fight a robot dog at the end of the American Open. There's also a role for Matt as the evil villain in charge of the Tennis Federation who's offended that there's a dog competition. I can see it. I can see it. I think Wimbledog, I mean, stand-up comedy, that was my love me do. This is my Sergeant Peppers, Wimbledog.
I'm part of the young Latin kings running around the streets.
I'm part of the young Latin kings running around the streets.
Yeah, man. It was meant to be an hour, and then I had a panic attack, and I cut it right down.
Yeah, man. It was meant to be an hour, and then I had a panic attack, and I cut it right down.
But thank you for having it come out. I drank raw milk, and then I was vomiting everywhere. I know.
But thank you for having it come out. I drank raw milk, and then I was vomiting everywhere. I know.
I would have made him a John. That would have been so easy. John would be trying to buy.
I would have made him a John. That would have been so easy. John would be trying to buy.
What's the dog doing?
What's the dog doing?
Oh, America's ready for a beautiful story about a dog that does something. Dude, for real, dog sports was like a big genre. And then it went away. Hollywood complains that no one's going to see movies, and then they're making weird trans-Mexican cartel musicals. Make a movie about a dog that wins at sport, and people will flock back to the cinema.
Oh, America's ready for a beautiful story about a dog that does something. Dude, for real, dog sports was like a big genre. And then it went away. Hollywood complains that no one's going to see movies, and then they're making weird trans-Mexican cartel musicals. Make a movie about a dog that wins at sport, and people will flock back to the cinema.
14?
14?
Did you ever see My Dog Skip? It's Frankie Muniz. He's got a beautiful dog. I didn't see it. And when it seems like the dog dies, it's... Really? Dog dying in a movie is the only time I really cry. Yeah.
Did you ever see My Dog Skip? It's Frankie Muniz. He's got a beautiful dog. I didn't see it. And when it seems like the dog dies, it's... Really? Dog dying in a movie is the only time I really cry. Yeah.
It's a good move, though.
It's a good move, though.
Now they've always got a thing saying no animals were harmed. I was watching an old Russian movie and a horse really falls down the stairs. What? That was a hard watch. And then I watched Apocalypse Now.
Now they've always got a thing saying no animals were harmed. I was watching an old Russian movie and a horse really falls down the stairs. What? That was a hard watch. And then I watched Apocalypse Now.
and they just like hacked and like i mean if they ate it afterwards that's yeah it was it was he filmed like a real actual ritual yeah like francis ford coppola's wife was like i just saw some villages hacking a cow apart do you want to put that in the movie and he went all right obviously it needs something in the third act it's really
and they just like hacked and like i mean if they ate it afterwards that's yeah it was it was he filmed like a real actual ritual yeah like francis ford coppola's wife was like i just saw some villages hacking a cow apart do you want to put that in the movie and he went all right obviously it needs something in the third act it's really
Have you seen their skulls?
Have you seen their skulls?
I can't stop thinking about it. What's up with their skulls? It's a circle.
I can't stop thinking about it. What's up with their skulls? It's a circle.
Yeah. It's the ugliest, weirdest. We did that to them. I know. Well, Chinese emperors did that to them to have just a fun little thing.
Yeah. It's the ugliest, weirdest. We did that to them. I know. Well, Chinese emperors did that to them to have just a fun little thing.
And when they sneeze, their eyes fall out sometimes.
And when they sneeze, their eyes fall out sometimes.
really bugs are great that was another movie idea i wanted someone all right like greyhound racing does it have to be a greyhound maybe there's a guy who thinks his pug has it in him you know but then at the end the dog sneezes and its eyes fall out then a japanese businessman throws it at a bear having a movie a heartwarming story about a pug that ends in its eyes falling out from sneezing would be pretty great then be like we're just raising awareness to pug deformity
really bugs are great that was another movie idea i wanted someone all right like greyhound racing does it have to be a greyhound maybe there's a guy who thinks his pug has it in him you know but then at the end the dog sneezes and its eyes fall out then a japanese businessman throws it at a bear having a movie a heartwarming story about a pug that ends in its eyes falling out from sneezing would be pretty great then be like we're just raising awareness to pug deformity
I drank like most of a gallon.
I drank like most of a gallon.
Just breed it with a slightly longer-faced animal.
Just breed it with a slightly longer-faced animal.
Start breeding a nose back into the pug.
Start breeding a nose back into the pug.
The Pug Nose Restoration Project. And you're just making pugs have sex with Great Danes over and over again.
The Pug Nose Restoration Project. And you're just making pugs have sex with Great Danes over and over again.
I think about it every day. I wake up and I think, if I was a dog at an Italian household, with all the pasta that they... You know the problem with that pug? The no-no was there. You're so skinny.
I think about it every day. I wake up and I think, if I was a dog at an Italian household, with all the pasta that they... You know the problem with that pug? The no-no was there. You're so skinny.
That's why I wanted the right wing milk. I wanted to see what it was like. And the guy who was selling it looked... He was handsome. He had big shot. He was the only person at the farmer's market who actually looked healthy. Everyone else looks weak and faded and unusual. They're not drinking the raw milk.
That's why I wanted the right wing milk. I wanted to see what it was like. And the guy who was selling it looked... He was handsome. He had big shot. He was the only person at the farmer's market who actually looked healthy. Everyone else looks weak and faded and unusual. They're not drinking the raw milk.
To not learn the lesson is a beautiful thing.
To not learn the lesson is a beautiful thing.
That shows that they're not being too abusive because the dog's still got hope.
That shows that they're not being too abusive because the dog's still got hope.
The craziest one is when you see a house where they have the big cages out front with the dog in the cage.
The craziest one is when you see a house where they have the big cages out front with the dog in the cage.
That's a scary house.
That's a scary house.
Well, I'm a race trader as well as being sick. No, no, no. I don't live up to Hitler's ideals with my food poisoning.
Well, I'm a race trader as well as being sick. No, no, no. I don't live up to Hitler's ideals with my food poisoning.
I am going to go back to the raw milk, I think.
I am going to go back to the raw milk, I think.
I was going to ask for that video of me throwing up over the beef bourguignon. I thought that would be good if I ever have a production company. I know, beef bourguignon. We could have bourguignon productions. Oh, bourguignon.
I was going to ask for that video of me throwing up over the beef bourguignon. I thought that would be good if I ever have a production company. I know, beef bourguignon. We could have bourguignon productions. Oh, bourguignon.
I was on the phone to Shane immediately before getting the haircut. And I said, the barber has a monkey. Because there was a small monkey at the barbershop. Say what? There was a monkey at the barbershop near where we live. And it had pajamas on and it was on a leash.
I was on the phone to Shane immediately before getting the haircut. And I said, the barber has a monkey. Because there was a small monkey at the barbershop. Say what? There was a monkey at the barbershop near where we live. And it had pajamas on and it was on a leash.
I had a chip.
I had a chip.
It really stayed with me as a terrible memory. I was holding a French fry, and a bird just took it. It was a seagull. It came and took it out of my hand. Damn. I remember I talked about it on stage that night and I got nothing, but it was a lot to me. It was very hard to explain. Yeah, it's pretty intense. Serious and upsetting.
It really stayed with me as a terrible memory. I was holding a French fry, and a bird just took it. It was a seagull. It came and took it out of my hand. Damn. I remember I talked about it on stage that night and I got nothing, but it was a lot to me. It was very hard to explain. Yeah, it's pretty intense. Serious and upsetting.
I was so... It was kind of beautiful, but I was scared. I was upset.
I was so... It was kind of beautiful, but I was scared. I was upset.
It was just gone. I just saw the bird and then I didn't feel it touch my hand. It was just out. It was not a lot. I don't leave a lot of time between. I'm pretty close. Bucket to mouth type of operator.
It was just gone. I just saw the bird and then I didn't feel it touch my hand. It was just out. It was not a lot. I don't leave a lot of time between. I'm pretty close. Bucket to mouth type of operator.
I saw a homeless guy punch a pigeon once. The pigeons were just running around on the ground.
I saw a homeless guy punch a pigeon once. The pigeons were just running around on the ground.
The pigeon wasn't doing anything to him. And he was just walking along calmly. And he bent all the way down and just fucking got a pigeon and kept walking.
The pigeon wasn't doing anything to him. And he was just walking along calmly. And he bent all the way down and just fucking got a pigeon and kept walking.
That guy's just so... I couldn't believe the pigeon didn't move or anything, but it sensed his... Dude, those things are crazy.
That guy's just so... I couldn't believe the pigeon didn't move or anything, but it sensed his... Dude, those things are crazy.
I hadn't heard creature storm before.
I hadn't heard creature storm before.
Well, we would have like fish and chips on the beach and there would be... They'd come around like, you know, you're a kid and your dad goes, stop bringing them over here.
Well, we would have like fish and chips on the beach and there would be... They'd come around like, you know, you're a kid and your dad goes, stop bringing them over here.
Running through a big pile of birds at the beach is one of my greatest happinesses. What happened? When there's like a big gathering of birds. Yeah.
Running through a big pile of birds at the beach is one of my greatest happinesses. What happened? When there's like a big gathering of birds. Yeah.
it's fun watching kids chase seagulls that's like an easy way to get kids tired like go get the seagulls and they'll just like relentless like a fucking dog just chase seagulls and you get to watch them for long enough you see who's the king seagull and you see the one sad seagull with like half a foot and his beak doesn't work and he's yeah he's trying to get the none of his buddy seagulls are looking after him helping him get it they're just taking his food away do they have like a pecking order like chickens have
it's fun watching kids chase seagulls that's like an easy way to get kids tired like go get the seagulls and they'll just like relentless like a fucking dog just chase seagulls and you get to watch them for long enough you see who's the king seagull and you see the one sad seagull with like half a foot and his beak doesn't work and he's yeah he's trying to get the none of his buddy seagulls are looking after him helping him get it they're just taking his food away do they have like a pecking order like chickens have
Then he showed it to my wife.
Then he showed it to my wife.
What, they'll just have a mass suicide in the coop?
What, they'll just have a mass suicide in the coop?
They've paid no attention to that. That has had no impact on the development of the Irish people.
They've paid no attention to that. That has had no impact on the development of the Irish people.
I was like, no, it's fucking cool. Who's the defense against the dark arts teacher in the second Harry Potter movie? No, you know, the Gilderoy Lockhart. No, the little... He looks like the Shakespearean actor. Oh.
I was like, no, it's fucking cool. Who's the defense against the dark arts teacher in the second Harry Potter movie? No, you know, the Gilderoy Lockhart. No, the little... He looks like the Shakespearean actor. Oh.
No, but he also looks like Littlefinger from Game of Thrones. He does not look especially Irish. He is Irish, though.
No, but he also looks like Littlefinger from Game of Thrones. He does not look especially Irish. He is Irish, though.
Captain Clooney.
Captain Clooney.
Do you know about Ned Kelly?
Do you know about Ned Kelly?
Ned Kelly's our great Bush Ranger hero where the cops were after him and he was like a sheep thief and he built a suit of armor out of iron. It's hilarious. It's like a cool hat that he built and the chest and he just like stood and shot at the cops and they were shooting at him. He was shot something like a hundred times in the dick and legs. Yeah. The movie's pretty good. I watched the movie.
Ned Kelly's our great Bush Ranger hero where the cops were after him and he was like a sheep thief and he built a suit of armor out of iron. It's hilarious. It's like a cool hat that he built and the chest and he just like stood and shot at the cops and they were shooting at him. He was shot something like a hundred times in the dick and legs. Yeah. The movie's pretty good. I watched the movie.
Mick Jagger?
Mick Jagger?
No, there's a movie with Mick Jagger as Ned Kelly as well. I didn't see that one. We made it over and over again. Yeah. We loved that story. And they go, you'll never take me alive, copper. And then he said, such is life. He had cool quotes.
No, there's a movie with Mick Jagger as Ned Kelly as well. I didn't see that one. We made it over and over again. Yeah. We loved that story. And they go, you'll never take me alive, copper. And then he said, such is life. He had cool quotes.
He made it out of a trash can, I think, or something. I didn't know Russell Crowe was in it. He had the Oscar to grouch them.
He made it out of a trash can, I think, or something. I didn't know Russell Crowe was in it. He had the Oscar to grouch them.
It's not an easy thing to manage. Is vomiting accented? I never thought about that. No, I'd make a noise. Is vomiting accented?
It's not an easy thing to manage. Is vomiting accented? I never thought about that. No, I'd make a noise. Is vomiting accented?
Give it 50 years and people will be ready.
Give it 50 years and people will be ready.
Ready to forgive and forget. It does take time.
Ready to forgive and forget. It does take time.
It was fucking incredible. Did you get no fatalities and maximum damage?
It was fucking incredible. Did you get no fatalities and maximum damage?
What's the... I think Oklahoma City bombing. They injured a couple people.
What's the... I think Oklahoma City bombing. They injured a couple people.
No? Hold on. What am I thinking? There was one where they...
No? Hold on. What am I thinking? There was one where they...
Yeah. It's an AT&T building in Tennessee. Nashville.
Yeah. It's an AT&T building in Tennessee. Nashville.
But he did it on Christmas Day.
But he did it on Christmas Day.
I'm blowing up the AT&T building. I don't want to hurt anyone. I just want to make AT&T unhappy.
I'm blowing up the AT&T building. I don't want to hurt anyone. I just want to make AT&T unhappy.
I thought he was just on the phone for too long. True.
I thought he was just on the phone for too long. True.
Well, people had to pretend that the World Trade Center was beautiful.
Well, people had to pretend that the World Trade Center was beautiful.
I don't know what's happening.
I don't know what's happening.
The ending of the Fountainhead is the most insane close of a book...
The ending of the Fountainhead is the most insane close of a book...
He's a great architect. He does a rape and the lady thinks it's hot, so that's a weird part of it. But moving past that, he's a great architect and he lowers himself to design public housing. He's like, I'll build the best public housing. If I'm going to design public housing, it's going to be the best public housing. And they make it ugly. So he destroys all of the homes for poor people.
He's a great architect. He does a rape and the lady thinks it's hot, so that's a weird part of it. But moving past that, he's a great architect and he lowers himself to design public housing. He's like, I'll build the best public housing. If I'm going to design public housing, it's going to be the best public housing. And they make it ugly. So he destroys all of the homes for poor people.
And then he gives a beautiful speech about, I had to do it. Ugliness has no place. And the jury let him off because the speech is so good and then the book's over. But it's a book about the importance of destroying public housing. You've got to ruin the projects.
And then he gives a beautiful speech about, I had to do it. Ugliness has no place. And the jury let him off because the speech is so good and then the book's over. But it's a book about the importance of destroying public housing. You've got to ruin the projects.
It's also about relentlessly pursuing your goals and being the man. Clearly, yeah. And all the mediocrity is trying to tear you down.
It's also about relentlessly pursuing your goals and being the man. Clearly, yeah. And all the mediocrity is trying to tear you down.
I really liked Atlas Rugged. I was a big Ayn Rand teenager.
I really liked Atlas Rugged. I was a big Ayn Rand teenager.
I never fucked with Ayn Rand. I am the great man of history. You got to really commit yourself.
I never fucked with Ayn Rand. I am the great man of history. You got to really commit yourself.
Okay, I thought so. Also, like, an old Russian lady.
Okay, I thought so. Also, like, an old Russian lady.
I find her very sexually exciting.
I find her very sexually exciting.
She has great interviews. In all of her interviews, I think she's sick.
She has great interviews. In all of her interviews, I think she's sick.
Young Ayn Rand is okay looking. There's a great interview. You prefer her older? She's like, I do not want a woman to ever be president. It would be wrong.
Young Ayn Rand is okay looking. There's a great interview. You prefer her older? She's like, I do not want a woman to ever be president. It would be wrong.
I know, it doesn't come across as much in the picture. It doesn't come across in the picture, but she has an energy. I'm telling you, she has an energy. It's not the best picture of Ayn.
I know, it doesn't come across as much in the picture. It doesn't come across in the picture, but she has an energy. I'm telling you, she has an energy. It's not the best picture of Ayn.
Ayn Rand is fucking busted, bro. Ayn Rand is ugly as shit. She's a very sexy woman. I think Atlas shrugged, dude. Look at some videos of Ayn Rand and see the way she moves.
Ayn Rand is fucking busted, bro. Ayn Rand is ugly as shit. She's a very sexy woman. I think Atlas shrugged, dude. Look at some videos of Ayn Rand and see the way she moves.
Damn.
Damn.
Food for thought. When did you have your Ayn Rand? I didn't have you picked as a... Hillary Clinton's Ayn Rand.
Food for thought. When did you have your Ayn Rand? I didn't have you picked as a... Hillary Clinton's Ayn Rand.
It feels wrong to waste time. All right, I was reading about Roman Polanski this week. I got in a big Roman Polanski Wikipedia wormhole.
It feels wrong to waste time. All right, I was reading about Roman Polanski this week. I got in a big Roman Polanski Wikipedia wormhole.
Well, actually openly. He had an interview in 1985 where he was like, I fucked young girls. Everybody wants to do that. He was very open about it. He definitely says he does. Anyway, the French culture minister stood by him. This is getting back to literature in a second. The French culture minister at the time was like, we must not deport this man. He's a great artist. We stand by that.
Well, actually openly. He had an interview in 1985 where he was like, I fucked young girls. Everybody wants to do that. He was very open about it. He definitely says he does. Anyway, the French culture minister stood by him. This is getting back to literature in a second. The French culture minister at the time was like, we must not deport this man. He's a great artist. We stand by that.
Then people read the French culture minister of the time's autobiography And there's this big section where he was going to Thailand. He's like, I was at the boy brothels and these sweet boys, you can pay them. And it was the most erotic feeling. His defense was that he wrote half novel, half autobiography, and it wasn't all true. But imagine being a politician and coming out with your biography.
Then people read the French culture minister of the time's autobiography And there's this big section where he was going to Thailand. He's like, I was at the boy brothels and these sweet boys, you can pay them. And it was the most erotic feeling. His defense was that he wrote half novel, half autobiography, and it wasn't all true. But imagine being a politician and coming out with your biography.
There's a big section about how you love boy prostitutes in Southeast Asia. But that was just literary flourish. I just put that in for a literary flourish. Yeah, that was just him being like... And I thought like Norm's book is like that.
There's a big section about how you love boy prostitutes in Southeast Asia. But that was just literary flourish. I just put that in for a literary flourish. Yeah, that was just him being like... And I thought like Norm's book is like that.
But also he doesn't say which bits are made up. He just says you can't trust all of this. Maybe that bit about me being a pervert in Asia is true.
But also he doesn't say which bits are made up. He just says you can't trust all of this. Maybe that bit about me being a pervert in Asia is true.
When he's committing prison rape?
When he's committing prison rape?
Like his uncle, like everything. Yeah. You thought the bit where he was on SNL because he was giving Lorne Michaels morphine was legitimate?
Like his uncle, like everything. Yeah. You thought the bit where he was on SNL because he was giving Lorne Michaels morphine was legitimate?
I don't know. It's such a great opening. I call this a recurring character. Yeah, that was awesome.
I don't know. It's such a great opening. I call this a recurring character. Yeah, that was awesome.
There's... Adam Egan was the only person I got really starstruck by in America and he finds it very it's cool now I think it's normal but every time I see him I go jerking off punks under a bridge for $15 a park it's the Adam Egan I yeah he's the man he does rule
There's... Adam Egan was the only person I got really starstruck by in America and he finds it very it's cool now I think it's normal but every time I see him I go jerking off punks under a bridge for $15 a park it's the Adam Egan I yeah he's the man he does rule
It's very, he's like, he talks about the incredible erotic feeling of being able to pick your boy.
It's very, he's like, he talks about the incredible erotic feeling of being able to pick your boy.
the man's like I don't fuck with this shut up man dude you play video games with the girl characters you should be on Megan's Law for real playing with that is like number one like playing with girl characters no dude it's better do you think that's why you gotta look at the character why not look at a hot lady here's my question I think that's maybe why the trans thing happened cause it's the first generation that grew up playing girl characters and seeing themselves as a girl all the time and then they it's just a thought you don't think so you don't think that's what's going on it's all about looking at an ass I never play the girl never
the man's like I don't fuck with this shut up man dude you play video games with the girl characters you should be on Megan's Law for real playing with that is like number one like playing with girl characters no dude it's better do you think that's why you gotta look at the character why not look at a hot lady here's my question I think that's maybe why the trans thing happened cause it's the first generation that grew up playing girl characters and seeing themselves as a girl all the time and then they it's just a thought you don't think so you don't think that's what's going on it's all about looking at an ass I never play the girl never
It's all about looking at the ass.
It's all about looking at the ass.
I was shocked, too. Structurally, it's a joke, I think, because it's that long, and then all the action of the book takes place outside of the book. There's so much time for him to describe the important things in the book, and he still doesn't do it.
I was shocked, too. Structurally, it's a joke, I think, because it's that long, and then all the action of the book takes place outside of the book. There's so much time for him to describe the important things in the book, and he still doesn't do it.
yeah yeah with like a thousand foot but it's still fun like it's very it's I laughed a lot that's good and then there's a great interview where he goes once they have virtual reality pornography I have to commit suicide immediately he killed himself and then he did out of his word I think it was for that hung himself yeah
yeah yeah with like a thousand foot but it's still fun like it's very it's I laughed a lot that's good and then there's a great interview where he goes once they have virtual reality pornography I have to commit suicide immediately he killed himself and then he did out of his word I think it was for that hung himself yeah
It's really funny. It's also about Quebec separatists. It's about crippled... Is this a Canadian author? No. Part of the joke is that all of North America has become one country, but Quebec still wants to secede. But they only let crippled people become assassins. And you can tell when they're coming when you hear the squeak. It's a really funny book. It is funny.
It's really funny. It's also about Quebec separatists. It's about crippled... Is this a Canadian author? No. Part of the joke is that all of North America has become one country, but Quebec still wants to secede. But they only let crippled people become assassins. And you can tell when they're coming when you hear the squeak. It's a really funny book. It is funny.
It's also about a drug addict who decides not to have painkillers when he's very seriously hurt. It's such a... Did this inspire your book at all?
It's also about a drug addict who decides not to have painkillers when he's very seriously hurt. It's such a... Did this inspire your book at all?
I love footnotes. Infant Jess is like, he'll do footnotes on the footnote. You got to have three bookmarks going while you read it.
I love footnotes. Infant Jess is like, he'll do footnotes on the footnote. You got to have three bookmarks going while you read it.
I just was waiting for his dick to start working the whole time.
I just was waiting for his dick to start working the whole time.
He's recounting when his dick first got injured. I think I said this recently, but it's like he's in a hospital bed, but it's all Italian guys making fun of him for his dick being blood, which is the nastiest. Like of all the hospitals you could be in, an Italian hospital and all these guys going, Your dick had done a work. Kill yourself. That's the worst thing that could ever happen to a man.
He's recounting when his dick first got injured. I think I said this recently, but it's like he's in a hospital bed, but it's all Italian guys making fun of him for his dick being blood, which is the nastiest. Like of all the hospitals you could be in, an Italian hospital and all these guys going, Your dick had done a work. Kill yourself. That's the worst thing that could ever happen to a man.
That's the one that the guy throws out of a window in Silver Linings Playbook. So I didn't want to read that.
That's the one that the guy throws out of a window in Silver Linings Playbook. So I didn't want to read that.
I've picked my own syllabus to teach you boys about women. I'm going to start with Hemingway. He knows how to treat a lady.
I've picked my own syllabus to teach you boys about women. I'm going to start with Hemingway. He knows how to treat a lady.
It's made bullfighting seem so appealing.
It's made bullfighting seem so appealing.
I think I would get bored immediately after they kill the first bull. I would go, this is revolting. It makes it... Through the whole book, I'm waiting for him to get an erection, and the bullfight's coming. I would go, surely he's getting hard at the bullfight, and then he doesn't.
I think I would get bored immediately after they kill the first bull. I would go, this is revolting. It makes it... Through the whole book, I'm waiting for him to get an erection, and the bullfight's coming. I would go, surely he's getting hard at the bullfight, and then he doesn't.
Then he goes for a swim, and he doesn't get an erection there.
Then he goes for a swim, and he doesn't get an erection there.
and then alright the best bit in the book the young hot matador comes in the young hot matador and the guy like he loves bullfighting and the guy who owns the hotel loves bullfighting they're the only two who really understand bullfighting and they go this man is special we gotta keep him away from loose women and hard drink and then the woman he loves has sex with the bullfighter and the guy in charge of the hotel looks at him like you're fucking impotent no you couldn't even you couldn't even stop your degenerate friend from ruining the one beautiful boy Brett
and then alright the best bit in the book the young hot matador comes in the young hot matador and the guy like he loves bullfighting and the guy who owns the hotel loves bullfighting they're the only two who really understand bullfighting and they go this man is special we gotta keep him away from loose women and hard drink and then the woman he loves has sex with the bullfighter and the guy in charge of the hotel looks at him like you're fucking impotent no you couldn't even you couldn't even stop your degenerate friend from ruining the one beautiful boy Brett
She was so erotically charged throughout that. There was... Oh, man. There was one bit... Like, it's all obliquely written and it's straightened. Like, we had Hemingway stuff. We went there on the next day. It was a good day. And we went over there and it was very hot.
She was so erotically charged throughout that. There was... Oh, man. There was one bit... Like, it's all obliquely written and it's straightened. Like, we had Hemingway stuff. We went there on the next day. It was a good day. And we went over there and it was very hot.
But the one sentence that I love is like, he's at a party that he hates with this woman he loves and the man she's fucking... And like the man goes off to get champagne and he's so angry with this guy going to get champagne. He's got to be this woman he can't have sex with. And then the guy comes back and fine, we'll open the champagne. And then he goes, it was sensational champagne.
But the one sentence that I love is like, he's at a party that he hates with this woman he loves and the man she's fucking... And like the man goes off to get champagne and he's so angry with this guy going to get champagne. He's got to be this woman he can't have sex with. And then the guy comes back and fine, we'll open the champagne. And then he goes, it was sensational champagne.
I folded that over. I was like, I don't know why that, that's not a good sentence on its own. But within the book.
I folded that over. I was like, I don't know why that, that's not a good sentence on its own. But within the book.
that would be he just gets pegged that'd be great that'd be sick I don't understand how they can turn it into a movie nothing would happen it would just be a man fishing and watching a bullfight and looking at a lady sadly if you knew his dick didn't work it'd be it'd be gripping you'd be like fuck yeah
that would be he just gets pegged that'd be great that'd be sick I don't understand how they can turn it into a movie nothing would happen it would just be a man fishing and watching a bullfight and looking at a lady sadly if you knew his dick didn't work it'd be it'd be gripping you'd be like fuck yeah
It would be great if you had to change the title so that everyone – just like you call the movie The Man Whose Dick Didn't Work.
It would be great if you had to change the title so that everyone – just like you call the movie The Man Whose Dick Didn't Work.
I think he's... They don't go into detail, but he doesn't have a dick.
I think he's... They don't go into detail, but he doesn't have a dick.
There's a prostitute who tries to get him to employ her, and he goes, I won't be able to partake of that. She goes, you are sick? And he goes, yes. She goes, I'm sick too. He's like, she had gonorrhea and he missed out. His broken penis. It's a great, I didn't think I'd enjoy the broken penis book.
There's a prostitute who tries to get him to employ her, and he goes, I won't be able to partake of that. She goes, you are sick? And he goes, yes. She goes, I'm sick too. He's like, she had gonorrhea and he missed out. His broken penis. It's a great, I didn't think I'd enjoy the broken penis book.
But wouldn't that be a good, like at the end of a sitcom, the credits come up and then he goes, ah, bourguignon. Bourguignon.
But wouldn't that be a good, like at the end of a sitcom, the credits come up and then he goes, ah, bourguignon. Bourguignon.
There was an episode of Fat Pizza.
There was an episode of Fat Pizza.
Where you have to activate. I think the trans pizza is that. Under the sack.
Where you have to activate. I think the trans pizza is that. Under the sack.
That would be so nice to get to choose when you had an erection.
That would be so nice to get to choose when you had an erection.
No food, no sex. Yeah.
No food, no sex. Yeah.
No. Yeah. The monkey was in the next room screaming and very unhappy. He had like an angry monkey at the barbershop? There were like 18 guys working in the barbershop and one of them had a monkey. I've never seen this before. Anyway.
No. Yeah. The monkey was in the next room screaming and very unhappy. He had like an angry monkey at the barbershop? There were like 18 guys working in the barbershop and one of them had a monkey. I've never seen this before. Anyway.
Yeah. It's one of my favorite myths. I had the Beaujolais with the bourguignon.
Yeah. It's one of my favorite myths. I had the Beaujolais with the bourguignon.
I was drinking a beautiful wine. I cannot pace myself with wine.
I was drinking a beautiful wine. I cannot pace myself with wine.
Do you know about the cocaine wine that the Pope was on? What? Back when Coca-Cola and people were mixing cocaine with their products, there was a special cocaine wine. And the Vatican ordered thousands of bottles of this wine, and the Pope was just loving it.
Do you know about the cocaine wine that the Pope was on? What? Back when Coca-Cola and people were mixing cocaine with their products, there was a special cocaine wine. And the Vatican ordered thousands of bottles of this wine, and the Pope was just loving it.
He's been unwell for a while. He's not stepping down.
He's been unwell for a while. He's not stepping down.
Let me see this. I think he only had one lung to begin with.
Let me see this. I think he only had one lung to begin with.
He has double lungs. We must pray for the Pope.
He has double lungs. We must pray for the Pope.
I'm ready for cool young American Pope. The young Pope activated me when I watched it. That's what the church needs.
I'm ready for cool young American Pope. The young Pope activated me when I watched it. That's what the church needs.
Oh, like ages ago. It was like 10 years ago.
Oh, like ages ago. It was like 10 years ago.
He was like...
He was like...
It was the most affordable place to have your hair cut in the area. Everywhere else was like, I went to another barber first and they said, you need an appointment. And I thought that broke the barber's code of like, just walk in and hang out.
It was the most affordable place to have your hair cut in the area. Everywhere else was like, I went to another barber first and they said, you need an appointment. And I thought that broke the barber's code of like, just walk in and hang out.
Have you seen the new Conclave movie?
Have you seen the new Conclave movie?
It's not as good as The Young Pope. That's all I could think. But it's great until the last 10 minutes when you find out, spoiler, that the guy they've just elected is Intersex, Pope with a Womb. And it's written by a Church of England guy, so they're all just very sensitive. Wouldn't that be interesting? What is a man? This was a great drama about one of the candidates had a secret family.
It's not as good as The Young Pope. That's all I could think. But it's great until the last 10 minutes when you find out, spoiler, that the guy they've just elected is Intersex, Pope with a Womb. And it's written by a Church of England guy, so they're all just very sensitive. Wouldn't that be interesting? What is a man? This was a great drama about one of the candidates had a secret family.
He was black and homophobic, and people were like, you only like him because he's black. It's great. There's arguments, and what's the future of the church? And then just at the end, there's a terrorist attack, and people go, let's get the trans woman or the intersex person. It's problematic. But Ralph Fiennes is great, and Stanley Tucci.
He was black and homophobic, and people were like, you only like him because he's black. It's great. There's arguments, and what's the future of the church? And then just at the end, there's a terrorist attack, and people go, let's get the trans woman or the intersex person. It's problematic. But Ralph Fiennes is great, and Stanley Tucci.
everything's standing like a serious like religious drama that ends with a trans pope yeah intersex fuck oh shit you mean you mean like like a natural one like a natural yeah like uh it's a little mexican guy who's like i found out that i had a uterus and i decided to kill him the mexicans with this trans shit what they got this and fucking have they got another big trans there's a big uh mexican trans movie really amelia it's like they're getting all the oscars
everything's standing like a serious like religious drama that ends with a trans pope yeah intersex fuck oh shit you mean you mean like like a natural one like a natural yeah like uh it's a little mexican guy who's like i found out that i had a uterus and i decided to kill him the mexicans with this trans shit what they got this and fucking have they got another big trans there's a big uh mexican trans movie really amelia it's like they're getting all the oscars
As a description, if someone said, this is my Cartel trans musical, that sounds... Yeah, that's what I want.
As a description, if someone said, this is my Cartel trans musical, that sounds... Yeah, that's what I want.
Do you ever see the Kardashians episodes where Bruce is obviously starting to transition into Caitlyn? No. They're hiding it from the audience. There's like two seasons where it's just the hair gets longer, gets smoother. He moves out of the house. They go, the marriage is fine. I'm just living in a different house across town. But then it's still...
Do you ever see the Kardashians episodes where Bruce is obviously starting to transition into Caitlyn? No. They're hiding it from the audience. There's like two seasons where it's just the hair gets longer, gets smoother. He moves out of the house. They go, the marriage is fine. I'm just living in a different house across town. But then it's still...
He just like long weird hair, just demolishes everybody in table tennis. He's working through some feelings. Just beating all the other Kardashians in table tennis. It's a great weird arc where everyone's going, this is normal. Nothing's wrong.
He just like long weird hair, just demolishes everybody in table tennis. He's working through some feelings. Just beating all the other Kardashians in table tennis. It's a great weird arc where everyone's going, this is normal. Nothing's wrong.
Just to keep the party going on at all?
Just to keep the party going on at all?
Did the Jenna person remove the sex organ?
Did the Jenna person remove the sex organ?
You definitely can't come There's no way if they build you a vagina You can't Where would the orgasm come from?
You definitely can't come There's no way if they build you a vagina You can't Where would the orgasm come from?
There's nothing further from coming than that particular vomit.
There's nothing further from coming than that particular vomit.
Yeah, that's like an age-old mystery. It was a great movie. I don't know why that disappeared. I don't know why people aren't celebrating India in the Cupboard. There's no like India in the Cupboard merch.
Yeah, that's like an age-old mystery. It was a great movie. I don't know why that disappeared. I don't know why people aren't celebrating India in the Cupboard. There's no like India in the Cupboard merch.
It was that one and the bird that could talk in the basement. I think it was called Pauly. Remember there was a little parrot in the basement who lived a beautiful life?
It was that one and the bird that could talk in the basement. I think it was called Pauly. Remember there was a little parrot in the basement who lived a beautiful life?
I remember. That was a pro-Indian movie, I think.
I remember. That was a pro-Indian movie, I think.
He wasn't just a toy. He was a man who had his land taken away.
He wasn't just a toy. He was a man who had his land taken away.
But he learns peace with the cowboy.
But he learns peace with the cowboy.
It was a special cupboard that brought all the toys to life. But then the cowboy toys were like, we're getting him. We're getting that Indian.
It was a special cupboard that brought all the toys to life. But then the cowboy toys were like, we're getting him. We're getting that Indian.
What I liked is that the hombres out front of the Home Depot, a lot of them were in pro-American gear, like big American hats and bald eagle shirts and things.
So it's like, I'm going to be the most pro-American.
Yeah, it was on his birthday and he did three hours and he bombed at his own birthday.
We want people to want a better life.
I think if you polled Americans, huge numbers of people would support that.
So why doesn't anybody- It's a good question.
Why can't anybody get it together?
I watched the Fetterman one where he was going, yeah, I mean, what you got to do?
Regardless of if they're registered.
And he kept saying, I can't believe I'm bombing at my own club on my birthday.
But then also he gets in and he's like, can we get the white South Africans out of here immediately?
Can we move a million white South Africans to Arizona?
And he goes, I was saying kiss.
With his cold, dead eyes.
But then in the middle, there was a guy with a coat, and he just did maybe 45 minutes about this guy's coat of crab work.
They got some things to sort out.
Connor's in it's the yeah he says he's gonna be the president of Ireland by then next year he's chosen a weird time to run yeah but the world's weird McKenna love you to death brother thank you for being here thank you sir it's been awesome having you around for real you're a fucking great guy if I said anything crazy I didn't mean it you're very very funny too and if anyone hasn't seen you do stand up go see him I can't recommend you enough you're awesome you've changed my life can I say something touching at the end okay alright I was I mean I was poor
I got passed at that club, and it's revolutionized.
I get to pay my rent on time.
I get to do comedy often, and people are nice about it.
It's been very, very strange, and I couldn't have done it if you hadn't set that club up.
He could release an hour on this guy's coat.
I think he's recording everything, though.
They don't have like a night where you can just, a bunch of people are doing 15 minutes.
He's building a vault, I think.
There's three cities in all of America where you can reliably do it.
There used to just be two.
Well, yeah, this has changed.
I think he's got a Prince vault.
And Shane brought me over here.
I want to shout him out.
I was having a good time, but there was nothing happening for me.
And then the fact that there is a place that you can come and if you're going to work hard and do it.
Ah, look, I don't want to go on about it.
Oh, at JDF McCann, the James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan.
Yeah, like how Prince... I think every second album, Prince would just put it away.
That's a great podcast that everybody should check out.
I think I've got books of poems.
And I think he must have...
I thought I didn't have to do it before I came to America.
I would do an hour a month and be very happy with that.
And I thought this was enough to get me where I needed to go.
No, going every night is...
It's also hard to go overnight.
Have you Johnny Cash moments sitting backstage at the Folsom prison?
Figuring out a way to recalibrate that doesn't kill you in the long run is a good thing.
Like I know some people- You mean cocaine?
I think people do cocaine.
People get like fucked up or just play a video game all week and then they can get back and do it.
You don't have to though.
You don't have to do those things.
I think you got to do something.
You got to go for a nice walk.
I'm all about, I've got nothing.
I go on stage and I try and talk about how much I love the pool.
I've done like three sets where I stand there and go, isn't swimming beautiful?
Then I say nothing and I wait for something to happen after that.
Then I go and talk about the next thing.
You can get yourself tired if you want.
If it's not, it's supposed to be.
I cannot float in the chlorine pool and that brings me great.
I'm afraid of what would be in my brain.
We're going to close that door.
Repression is so beautiful.
I mean, you explode at some point.
I got circumcised at like 32 because I had a problem.
But it was a beautiful experience.
Did you get a rabbi to suck your dick?
I thought I could leave that in as an option.
By the way, for people, I'm not making a joke.
They do suck the... Sometimes they have a tube.
Sometimes they have a special tube.
But circumcision in general...
Because I know it was like before.
I know it was like after.
But there are people, what I'm saying, people make it their whole life.
Yeah, I've experienced both as an adult.
I got to go to the AIDS Memorial Garden in San Francisco.
Yeah, did you show them your new dick?
Well, people definitely would.
It's a lot of nooks and crannies in the AIDS memorial.
Like, they built the perfect place to have sex with a man in the AIDS park.
Someone's definitely gotten AIDS at the AIDS memorial garden.
They're fucking away and they're going, ah, I knew there was something I was supposed to remember.
Because there's no way- You've got martial evidence for that.
Because African countries, you would go, healthcare would be bad, malnutrition would be- Well, this is the thing.
No one's getting an extra prescription for chemotherapy.
Well, I mean, certainly with COVID, they didn't take it into account that it was fat people and weak people.
Well, they figured it out with fat people.
I mean, people are just on the Ozempic forever.
I mean, I know people on Ozempic who are...
Are you thinking about doing it?
I'm a comfortable level of fat.
In America, no one has ever called me fat.
In Australia, at this body, all the time.
They're all fucking healthy over there.
You guys got to hike everywhere.
I think the food is better.
I became lactose intolerant when I came to America because I had raw milk and then I vomited green bile for a couple of days.
I had like a gallon of raw milk in a day.
I got it from the farmer's market.
The guy looked really strong and healthy.
I was like, I want that cool right wing milk.
I like the milk so much, I like to believe it wasn't that.
Maybe you just drank too much of it.
I think I got some sort of weird bacteria.
Oh, green bile, both ends.
It also, it was the most beautiful milk I've ever had.
I don't want to be negative about raw milk.
If you can have it and it doesn't do that to you, whew.
Have you had the raw milk?
I don't think the solution is- Doesn't feel especially well regulated at the moment.
I bought it from a guy's muddy van.
And then as I was vomiting and shitting, I was like, this doesn't feel natural.
For about six hours, I thought I had the greatest insight anybody had ever had.
This is the special milk we should all be having.
Everyone else in the family was fine.
My wife, my kids, they had a little bit.
I wouldn't blame the milk.
I'd never had a milk problem before then.
So now you have a milk problem?
So it gave you lactose intolerance?
I like the milk so much I don't want to blame the milk.
But I will say it happened at the same time.
Maybe my body got used to the beautiful raw milk and it would only have it again.
I think I would have a hard time selling that to the wife.
We're getting the raw milk back in the house.
Well, it's happening with the bread, but I think this happened – I mean something's happening with the bread in America that's like –
Those standards are definitely put together by big business to crush small people.
Even then they still do the like, you know, like a burger used to be one cow and they'd grind that bit up.
And now it's like a thousand cows coming together.
But I think those standards are put there by the big corporate – like I was thinking about like housing zones and districting.
Like in Australia, the median house price is a million dollars.
You can't buy – no one in my generation is buying a home.
It's a weird – there's so much land.
You should just be able to like whip up a slum with your bros.
You go to a valley where no one is and you all live in a – that would be better to some extent rather than like renting in a horrible thing forever.
You used to be able to just like build a horrible –
You know, there was no building regulations.
Sometimes a ceiling would collapse and people would die.
So you think that's better, to have no regulations?
No doubt bad things will also happen.
I'm not saying no regulation.
I'm going to walk back no regulation.
But it would be nice if the regulation was somehow written...
Just with the safety in mind and not so that I mean they're insane like there are buildings up now that are perfectly safe That wouldn't pass code if they were built today.
You couldn't build them again now Why wouldn't they pass code because they do things like you know the door has to be this far away from the stairs The ceiling has to be this height that it needs eight fire beeping detectors, you know
In the same way that, you know, like you can't cut hair without getting a degree.
You need like a certificate to be a hairdresser.
And they go, this is to make haircutting safer.
But like people were cutting hair without...
I feel like those are both important moments in it.
I'm shocked that everybody seems to have a problem with their agent fire them, but also the number of people who've been banned from comedy clubs.
Brian Simpson has told me about how he got banned for ages when he was homeless.
There was like five people who were all doing banned from comedy club stories.
I don't think America has the same problem with regulation here, because you guys seem to be able to build houses.
There's a way to do it in a way that is just to help industry make house prices stay high.
This is very, ah, man, I'm trying not to spin out.
You can make something safer forever, though.
There's no zero that you can reach of safety.
And there comes a point where the effort goes up to the extent where it's not.
No, but you hit a reasonable level, and then you stop, and that's what the regulations are.
I mean, I think with driver's licenses, you should have some test for competency to drive a car.
I mean, in Australia, when I was trying to get ... I didn't get my license until I was like 27, because it took forever.
You've got to get 100 hours registered.
You've got to do a weird test.
I got a driver's license in Ohio where I don't think road fatalities are ...
that much higher than the rest of the... You get in the car, you drive around the block, the guy goes, you know how to operate this vehicle.
We're going to say it's not going to cost $1,000.
It's more straightforward.
There's a balance to be gotten right.
I think you're 100% right.
I relish in America that you're closer to the freedom side of things.
Other than everyone having a gun and getting ready to... A simmering level of violence and revolution.
But you guys, you got prohibition.
Somehow, you got alcohol taken off the streets for... Yeah, but it was... It was bad.
I did this in Australia a lot.
But you just need to find something to have prohibition against.
How about cartel prohibition?
And I couldn't work in certain cities for some time just because I was, I think, unpleasant.
But at least you can have – I think America is one of the only countries that primaries.
You can actually get into a political party and if there's enough will, you can do something.
You can really change the party.
On a presidential level, they're more uptight.
They got the super delicates and they got secret emails and it's not good.
But the fact that you could even have a system to fuck up.
is, I think, unique to America.
Like in Britain, the party picks who the person is.
And if you're in the party, you get a huge benefit.
That you can't have like a grassroots, you can't have like the branch of the party go, we're putting forward a guy who's, we're going to primary somebody.
You really can primary people in America.
I'm not saying you're living up to it.
I'm not saying you're living up to the standards you set.
But you're also the only ones who there's even like people go, we should be able to do it.
I have watched this on a phone before.
What were you doing wrong?
You know, I started comedy.
To do it in the name of democracy was very weird.
And then also, I remember one of the- It's so Orwellian.
It's like my first week here, there was a Biden speech where he was talking about how violence has no- It was happening on about January 6th and stuff.
I would go around telling people that they sucked and they should quit.
And he was saying violence has no place in the American system.
But then the example he gave was the American Revolution.
I think Benjamin Franklin wanted everyone having an armed uprising every 12 years or something to wipe the slate clean.
That's part of democracy.
Do you know about Castro?
I'm in a big Wikipedia wormhole about Castro.
I didn't know that he hid that he was a communist.
And I went to the head of the Melbourne Comedy Festival.
He was like a middle class revolutionary.
And then his brother was a commie.
But he was like, he didn't come out and say he was a communist until later.
I've been reading Castro speeches.
The CIA helped him take over Cuba?
It looks like the CIA might have been.
And then towards the end they said, we've got to get out of this.
They really... They changed horses.
They were really involved on both sides, but they were... Do we do that everywhere?
I was in the comedy competition.
There's one Aussie that you might have done.
Gough Whitlam might have been taken out by the CIA.
No, he was also a problem, and people were quite happy to have him go.
It was like my fourth gig.
But the Governor General... Man.
I don't have to go into too much detail.
You have a military base in Australia, and he wanted to get rid of it or get off American energy subsidies or something, and then all of a sudden he was removed.
And we haven't rocked that boat again.
And I was like, you're picking all the wrong people to win these.
I can get my visa removed for criticizing Israels.
I'm impressed by their beautiful assassinations.
And they got in on the supply side of it.
Like they made the pages and they managed to...
If they could do that with potholes in the Midwest, that would be great.
I mean, we could get a train going.
We could fix all the poverty.
We could fix a high-speed rail in Texas.
Brian Simpson said it good.
He was on stage for Bottom of the Barrel, and someone knocked the barrel over, and they all had to pick it up.
And he goes, that's the one thing that could go wrong.
We should really fix that.
We have the resources to make sure that never happens, and we won't.
I would say also sport is at some weird, very high level here.
It is a very militarized society.
Everyone's getting ready to...
Yeah, I mean, football is just military strategy.
Yeah, I've seen clips of that.
They're also the only guys other than black guys who can compete in...
It's the only whites who are contributing to basketball at this point.
It's the Yugoslavian whites.
Sometimes an Aussie gets through.
We've had like two Aussies break through.
They couldn't get it to work.
Sometimes that's like a genetic.
Like marathon runners tend to be from one mountain in Kenya.
Yeah, like people go black people are good at marathon running.
But then when you boil it down, it's like, okay, but 90% of them are from Kenya.
And then 90% of those people are from one mountain in Kenya where like the air is very...
There's a book called Taboo, which is about race difference in all sports.
And they're like, you're this likely to... You can't be a white corner.
Now there is one, I think.
It's very rare and it's very strange.
And some of it's social stuff.
I was reading a thing about Mexicans can't get knocked out.
No, there must be some, but there's like some gene that is very common in the Mexican population that makes it less likely that you'll be knocked out.
I think that's why they have lots of boxes.
I'm half remembering something I read on Wikipedia late at night.
This is about what I need to believe something is a Reddit post from four years ago.
I was doing a bit about this, and I could never get it to really fly, but Kyrgyzstan, they have a wife wrestling.
You wrestle a woman into a van if you want to marry a woman in Kyrgyzstan.
And there's a big Wikipedia page on that.
You've got to get this lady in the van against her will, and then once she gets in the van, she's so ashamed that she marries you.
But the one sport they're good at at the Olympics is women's freestyle wrestling.
So what came first, the medals or the van?
Did they have to get good at wrestling because men kept putting them in vans?
Or were they so good at wrestling the men were like, let's let them show off their beautiful skills?
I find it easy here because people are... I don't want to say that everyone in Australia is bad at comedy.
You can wrestle because they only got the van quite late.
Yeah, there's a lot of vice.
We are breaking the law, says Mediev.
I guess it's as good as mine.
There are many great comics, but I could not for the life of me... There were times where it's like, oh, this could be helpful for your career.
And they go like 80% of the time it's consensual.
But then 20% of the time you're just wrestling a woman into a van against her will.
Very important to be able to tell the difference, I would say.
I don't want to pass judgment on the people of Kyrgyzstan.
You can go back to 100 years ago and everyone, they were foot binding in China.
No, they can't still be binding the feet.
They're still foot binding in China?
To get in with someone and have them guide you.
You don't want some filthy peasant foot.
On your wife, you want to be humble, graceful.
Bro, you better keep those socks on.
They look like they're folded in on themselves.
And it's like, I just hated everybody's comedy that I met and hung out with.
They flatten a woman's- When she starts getting breasts, they like- You flatten the breasts.
But what's weird is that it's the Christian progressive people who are doing it.
Because the culture is once a woman has breasts, she has to get married and she has to come out of school.
So because you love your daughter, you iron the boobs down so that she doesn't have to get married for a couple of years.
And people who were great would often leave or not be around.
It's so big on that screen.
But the commies stamped it out, mostly.
Well, it's probably... You can't work.
No, you've got to be... Yeah, you can't partake in the great, glorious revolution.
They are beautiful shoes.
You walk into your house, it's all OJ Simpson merchandise and foot-bound Lotus shoes.
Oh, plates in the lip, the neck extension?
I don't think they're meant to be that long.
That last one's like AI porno for neck guys.
She's got a towel under her chin.
No, but they could be watching it being like, you know, in America, they chop off a little boy's penis and they turn it into a pretend vagina.
No, we have Barry Humphreys.
Isn't that sick and wrong?
That's a very important part of our culture.
Do you know Barry Humphreys?
I'm pretty sure it was illegal all over the place and no one else was doing that.
No, and also had that particular reaction.
Was it just because he was gay?
There were so many gay British guys, though.
Yeah, but he was like... They had like a long history of... Like Oscar Wilde, everyone knew he was gay, and it was only when he went after a guy's son that I think they went.
Yeah, I think he went after a guy's young son.
If they want to get you for something else, they will.
And have allowed adoption from this year.
But that's very late to it because I think a lot of gay couples have been going there to get children for a long time.
And now they're saying you can have them here.
That's a big – that's not spoken about is the renter womb.
But it's still – But also there's – I mean I know Elon has like a lot of kids with different ladies.
I mean, that's the public one.
He's like one of the only public-facing billionaires.
He would dress up like a Dame Edna.
There's got to be guys out there who are like, I'm getting 10,000 kids.
I'm like, take my cum and move it out across.
I'm going to be Genghis Khan with science.
Well, guys have done that that are doctors.
They just put their own cum?
There's maybe 1,000 siblings in Adelaide, my hometown at the moment.
He was a conservative man.
He would dress up like a housewife, like a very dowdy drag act.
And it was like super funny, really broke through in the UK.
And then the festival turned their back on him.
He started the Melbourne Comedy Festival.
And then he made some like trans remark.
I think there's like dolphins that can do it.
If dolphins are on their own for a long time, then an egg can fertilize another egg.
It doesn't happen often, but there are examples of it.
I think I believe that I've read that.
I've said that loudly and confidently at a party before.
And Hannah Gadsby, I think, was like, I'm not taking this award in his name.
I think it's like a couple examples of auto insemination.
I think there's virgin birth in nature.
Hannah was a great club act.
They come out of the dick?
I tell this to people all the time.
Man, I think last time Shane came on here, I think you guys were talking about the trans penises, and then he just kept texting me the trans penises.
Why is it so much bigger than mine?
The hyena people will be furious if that's not.
And, like, stepdads are not common in the animal kingdom.
It was like a revolutionary act for Americans because you don't have comedy festivals in the same way here, but like...
I mean, if we go to Yosemite, should we bring a gun?
Are there grizzly bears in California?
Everyone in Australia was doing the I Got Raped show or the I Wanted to Commit Suicide show.
I feel like you guys have way more animals that kill people than we do.
People talk about our animals all the time.
We've got a snake and we've got a spider that you want to watch out for.
Yeah, but if you stay away from the crocs.
What are you talking about?
Just keep away from far north Queensland.
We were happy to give that well to the Japanese.
We made a deal that if the Japanese invaded, we'd let them have the saltwater crocodile part of the country.
Have you seen Bob Catter?
This is like our best clip from a politician.
He's talking about gay marriage, and he turns it into talking about crocodiles?
Oh, Bob Catter, crocodile.
He wins his Far North Queensland seat every year.
Let a thousand blossoms bloom.
That's the only way you can – there's only five cities.
So the comedy festivals are the only way you can really break through and make money.
He needs more power in our government.
They come into the ocean as well.
There's five clubs and once you're done touring them, you've got nothing.
The Crocs never got Steve Irwin.
I'm more upset by the raise.
So you have to have a new hour every year.
We might have clamped down on that.
But also, there's, you know, you're not like walking through the city.
Yeah, they were very, I went to Cairns once and they were all very scared.
But also, what a beautiful way to die.
There was the – oh, man, there have been some great I Was Molested shows.
Who's eaten by a crocodile?
That would be the biggest city up north.
I don't know how big a Nile crocodile is.
I think Nile- I only just saw an alligator for the first time.
Shout out Corey White for one of the greatest I Was Molested shows ever.
We got them, and we got- It's a lot of koalas and kangaroos.
Dave Quirk had the I Had an Affair show.
It's like the jaws, but for crocodiles?
Mom died when I was young.
They're impressive, beautiful.
Have you seen in India when they get like a puma in the village and everyone's standing on the roof and the puma's like running around the streets and the guys are trying to throw a net on it?
It looks bigger because they're very small people.
And then we turn it into handbags and shoes.
To reintroduce them seems nutty.
When people are bringing the wolves back.
You just, no one's even, people do all the jokes they wrote that year, which gets you to like 35 minutes.
Then you tell a 10-minute very sad story.
But there's a lot of people who want to hunt, right?
There are people who want to take out the animals that the wolves would have taken out.
And then I finished my chicken curry and I thought I'm ready to die.
Yeah, because it would be way easier.
Like in Britain, they got rid of all the wolves.
And then you bring it back with a gag at the end.
Yeah, it's still going on to this day.
Is the hope that we get the dinosaurs?
They're trying to build Jurassic Park?
But the Tasmanian devils, definitely, they're always trying to bring that back.
Tasmanian devils, they're around.
They all have weird ... I mean, all the koalas have chlamydia.
They're very ... It's the dugong of the land.
I mean, we could let them know.
What, are we going to brush their teeth?
They didn't notice until the 90s.
So we must have done this.
But if it started in the 90s and now they're going extinct because of it.
But that does happen with animals sometimes.
That feels like weird timing that they were getting by for 100,000 years and then 200 years after Whitey gets there.
When I found out, at university, people kept going, like, he's black.
It was like a big thing that he was a black-coated character.
He's always, like, relaxed.
And he's got a cool plan that he's working on.
He's like a zoot suit guy from the 20s.
Let me hear some of this.
Yeah, look, Devil was an easy name to pick.
No points for the guy who came up with that.
I miss our beautiful Australian animals.
I got to go through California and see all the gum trees again.
I'd seen gum trees in forever.
Something gets in the blood where it's like, that's what I think an animal should look like.
I mean, when people have a theme, Colin Quinn does this all the time, and it's great.
This is the year that I've seen the most animals, because I've got kids and we travel around.
I've been to like eight zoos this year.
So it's a lot of zoos, but they're, man.
Did you know in New York they had a guy at the zoo?
If we get into animal fight videos, I'll have a drink.
I think he pissed himself while that was happening.
He does like the- Oh, yeah.
Do you ever watch the bird and the fish that goes on for like... The bird and the fish?
There's like a heron trying to get a small fish and they play it in slow motion.
I'm going to therapy show, Red State, Blue State thing.
They put classical music behind it.
Animals trying to get away from other... That's a big...
Running fast across the wilderness and you want them to get away.
Yeah, then they go up in a helicopter and they gun down the kangaroos.
I don't think anything was killing them.
The history of America and New York is great.
So how did they get to such a- I think there might have just been less arable land.
Maybe they had less to eat.
I assume they would starve.
But I don't think anything kills the emus.
We lost all our big predators.
But they'll only bother you... There's that one video of the guy with the dog.
What do you miss the most?
That doesn't usually happen.
We don't usually get together in a- What's all the demon cults?
It was during COVID when everyone was inside, there was like kangaroos came back into the town.
So this is a mob of kangaroos?
That does look like a mob.
You'll go on like a nature walk and you'll just see a kangaroo in the distance just looking at you.
But they're like, you know, they seem friendly and mysterious and then they jump away.
I think we clamped down on it at some point.
Clamped down on the dingoes?
Well, there was that lady who lost a baby and she said a dingo got it and no one believed her.
And now they think the dingo maybe got that baby.
But also the dingoes are all in there.
My favorite one is the poet Ted Hughes.
He's married to Sylvia Plath.
She's killed herself in the oven.
Very sad, very difficult.
I don't think he came home.
He'd left her by that point for another woman.
She gassed herself in the oven.
I think it's the woman that he runs away with a couple years later.
She also kills herself in the family oven.
So from the outside, people in the British literary establishment start going, I think he's killing his wives in the oven.
You can't have a second oven.
That's a fool me once type situation.
To the point where- Boy, you'd be careful with wife number three.
You'd say, we're going electric oven.
Yeah, once they had... I think he was still married to the second one.
He used to be so cautious.
The second one, in the same way.
Maybe I'm doing something wrong.
Usually time is dragging on when people are on stage, and you check how long it's gone, even if it's great, and you go, I thought we were at the 20-minute mark.
Yeah, because he was a hard worker.
He was probably a good part of the DNC operation.
He didn't want to leave it to chance.
Yeah, the mysterious suicide.
It's hard not to get into the conspiracy.
I try not to have a conspiratorial mindset because I get unhappy.
They also, they were getting like the last Nazis for a while.
You'd think they'd manage to clear up Hamas quicker.
I've seen shows like that on the History Channel a lot.
I don't know if I've seen that one.
It's been six minutes or something.
We have a German town in Australia where they say there's a pub with Nazi stuff on the walls.
I've never seen it, but the Germans, there's like a, there's a Bavarian town where everyone's nice and relaxed.
And then there's like a Prussian town where people are very intense.
But also sometimes you will go around to like a German guy's house.
Like they've got an old German family.
And then you look over the mantelpiece and there's a knife there.
is a very special knife it's like you can't get rid of it that's grandpa's knife the weird thing is like they have full towns down in argentina that practice oktoberfest yeah they put on the lederhosen the whole deal like it's a german town i think there's something about the black population disappeared i don't know if this is i think it might be argentina they had like a big black population and then over a hundred years
people go, I don't know where they are anymore, but they're not here now.
And I think it coincides with, maybe it was before the Nazis got there, but that's a weird rabbit hole.
There's not a lot about it.
Some people say they just integrated and- And what?
It's kids after kids and you can't see it, but they had a big black population.
I don't want to just say that and have it sit there.
Thank you, Travel Noir, a website.
I've never heard of that website, but I assume it's a- Whoa.
But this was about 100 years before I thought.
But then no one's going after Argentina for this.
Well, I didn't even know about it until five minutes ago.
Everyone goes about America's a racist country, their racist history.
Why is no one talking about Brazil's slavery?
Brazil was like, I think they kept doing it for 20 years as well.
And then everyone just acts like Brazil is a cool place to go by the beach and relax, which maybe it is.
He just sits and writes apparently.
I was saying positive things about slums before.
There's negative things to having slums as well.
I would just like there to be more housing.
I mean, we shut Australia down for, like, two years.
No one was doing anything.
Yeah, you guys went nuts.
If you ever lead the world in something bad, that's, I think, a bad sign.
Once you have the longest lockdown.
Because it's, I mean, like driving in America feels wild and free.
Like no one's doing the speed limit.
If you do the speed limit on the freeway, it feels way more dangerous than going five over.
If you go one, two miles over the speed limit in Australia, you get a fine.
I have no idea why other than because people don't like it overall.
People don't want to go through the bureaucracy.
But maybe we have no animating sense of freedom that people should be free.
I think if the motto here is don't tread on me, we've got pull your fucking head in.
You hear that quite a lot.
What are you fucking doing?
Pull your fucking head in.
Do what you're meant to do.
And for a while, I guess we were also prosperous for a long time, and that worked.
If you just laid low and you went to school, you went to uni, the government's going to pay for your uni, you get a nice job, you'll get a big, beautiful suburban family home, don't buck the system.
You don't have to do anything crazy.
And as that falls apart now, which has fallen apart quickly, rent's out of control, the inflation's so much worse, the immigration is like...
We're not building houses in line with that.
A lot of comics are moving overseas.
Like in a way that no one moved overseas.
For the first 10 years I was doing comedy, I think a couple guys went to the UK.
And now Aaron Chen's here.
I mean, COVID radicalized a lot of people.
It was... And then the...
I mean, there's so much opportunity here.
People keep saying the cost of living is going up in America.
It's wacky that eggs are only $3.70 or something.
That's so cheap for eggs for us.
How much are eggs over there?
I'm buying free-range eggs because my wife insists on it.
But I think if you did a milk-to-milk, egg-to-egg, you'd dominate.
You've got Mitch Hedberg School of Comedy.
America has so far to go before it gets to be a revolutionary.
I mean, the dollar's a bit different.
You got locked in your house.
I mean, it was literally in Melbourne.
We were in Melbourne when it kicked off.
You've got to take a lot of heroin and put your hair right over your face.
My wife and I, and we had a newborn child, and she was pregnant with the next one.
And they said, we're locking everyone down for six weeks.
You can't leave your house.
And it was, we had better, not better.
We had like strongest state by state regulation.
So if you moved back, we were from Adelaide in South Australia.
They said it was two weeks if you came from interstate.
So we just drove all night and got out, but then watched as people.
It's like a 300-day lockdown.
It was one of the only places you could do shows was in Adelaide.
I think you confronted him about the concentration camps.
And it's like, yeah, we had camps where we concentrated people.
I don't know what else you're meant to call that.
It's hard to lose trust in the establishment.
Like you want to believe that the people running the medical side of things and who are setting all the rules have your interests at heart and you should listen to them.
It's nice to be in that group because you get to live in a world where the government cares about you and they know what they're doing and this politician in a suit.
Yeah, but you've got to know- The realm for personal expression in politicians was tiny for a long time because it was, you know, that's what you want.
Trump's blown this up, but I remember like Howard Dean did a weird scream and his career was- Yeah, that was it.
That's what it took back in the day to ruin your candidacy.
Yeah, well, how about- Because they had to keep that illusion going that like, these are very competent people who will not make a weird noise at the wrong time.
Was this where he said he became erect when he wanted to beat people up?
I mean, isn't that a nice world to- That world?
Like that 50s world of like, ah, you can, we've got a man in a white coat and he knows what's up.
You don't have to do all the, it's taxing to try and figure out how disease works.
And the cost for getting it wrong is, like, if you get 19 things right and one thing wrong, they just go, you're a fucking idiot.
Doing the same thing over and over again was – for, I don't know, seven, eight years at the start, I struggled to do it.
So Jack Ruby kills ... I'm going to get a lot of this wrong.
Jack Kennedy kills Lee Harvey Oswald.
But then when he's under arrest, there are two journalists who come and interview him
And I think one of them kills him.
I think a journalist who talked to him before he died got killed by some sort of gay karate chop.
It was like a gay journalist, and then he took a man home.
I had like five bad hours of comedy.
I think he took a man home for a sexual encounter, and then he was karate chopped to death.
I think that's the official explanation.
It was cool when they karate chopped somebody.
I think that's what the medical examiner said.
Well, who's the Manson family?
He was dosed with some sort of- Oh, 100%.
And it wasn't until I probably impregnated my wife.
It was like, I should make sure there's a good five.
Which they did definitely seem to have.
Well, a lot of people do seem chipper before they go.
Every town you go to, there's the guy who's going to be big.
Nixon reputation is starting to come back.
People are starting to love Nixon again.
Well, it does seem like a weird flourish for the secret police to put out there.
I really always held on to karate chop.
That's the one detail that really stayed with me through the years.
It could have been a very long bruise across the throat, a big forearm.
Is that why I thought it was some sort of...
There was a time, I know in Austin Powers, karate chop is like a cool thing.
Early 60s, people just fan ahead about karate.
when you read stories like this like if you're not a conspiracy theorist you're like it was the karate chop that made me think it was something had gone wrong
Karate chop's the only thing that drew me in.
I was happily signing up with the rest of the official narrative.
My dad really believes the JFK assassination happened the way they said it did.
And he made a whole trip of it to Dallas and he went up to the building and he was like, he could have done it.
He could have done it from here.
So I've never really dug into it.
They, like, closed down central Dallas?
But this is the problem with any conspiracy theory is that, like...
There are a bunch of things that don't.
Some of them are nuts and then some of them hold up.
There was like an ice bullet that dissolved inside of.
And the ACL took that away from you.
This is like when the passports fall out of the plane on 9-11.
It's a classic, all-time great moment.
He was like downgraded to marksman.
It's like with the Trump thing, they said a child could have done it.
And then there's just nothing about this that's come out since then.
But also he turns his head just at the right, the miraculous head turn.
It's weird that there wasn't more ... I know there was a guy at the golf course, and there was a third guy maybe, but the temperature in the country at that time was ... No one was actively coming out and begging.
The Dems weren't coming out and saying, someone's got to kill this guy, but they were going, this is an insane threat to our freedom.
Well, this is why he goes Vance immediately.
Well, I put together a theory.
Someone else must have done it.
You pick someone who seems scarier than you, right?
You go, well, if you kill me, you get him.
You think Vance is scary?
I think at the time, he seemed like the furthest right protectionist candidate that Trump could have picked from on the VP list.
But he was not the easiest.
Electorally, there were other people he could have gone with.
When was the last time it was like Teddy Roosevelt?
Have you been to the Fredericksburg Pacific War Museum?
But they have a mural out back for all the presidents since that war.
And everyone's in World War II.
It's not that America's looking for an old guy.
Until Clinton, everyone is a World War II vet in some capacity.
But generationally, America didn't want to move on from...
That was like a comforting.
He was scaring the shit out of me.
But it doesn't have the same like, Korea doesn't occupy the same.
And then really it's not one war that everyone's getting behind after that.
But, you know... I'm so easily taken in.
I was like, oh, I don't want there to be a war.
And then as soon as the bombs are dropped and Trump comes out and goes, we're very strong, I'm like, oh.
It's so easy to get whipped up into a fervor.
For like 15 years and Tulsi saying they have no information on it.
I mean, so few people get passed at a club.
To pull together over something.
Someone sent me the... Like that Reagan, towards the end of his term, just kept giving speeches about how he wanted there to be an alien invasion.
And he said, if only there was some alien force that we could all get together again against the aliens.
But it is... That seems like America's ready for that.
I can see that if you were in charge, you wanted to have civil unity.
You would want there to be something like a war to pull people back together.
Because you have to come back and do it a couple times.
But I see people have a great, like a one-off great one.
You just chuck the word rights on something.
People say abortion rights, and then people say gun rights.
That's how you know if the media is in favor of that thing or not.
And then you go, where did that go?
If they say rights, then they go, this should be... Abortion rights were confected in Roe v. Wade.
It didn't exist beforehand.
I mean, maybe people can pass that.
People can legislatively have abortion on the books, but that's not what happened.
The Supreme Court just said, we infer that there's a right to privacy somewhere in the Constitution.
We're not going to be clear about where that is.
And so the judiciary can just make it happen.
Yeah, because what can be done by the judiciary can be overturned by the judiciary.
But there's heaps of stuff in America that just like the Supreme Court decided it was going to happen.
Like gay marriage was just a Supreme Court decision.
I think it's a Sam Talent bit.
I don't know if he's still doing it.
But he was going like, if Kamala had come out and said the word retarded, she would have won.
But he... Yeah, there was... I mean, the Dems were always against the...
The progressive wing takes over.
The woke thing happens at some point.
But like Biden was out saying, super predators.
This is the Castro speech that I was getting into in a big way.
So the revolution takes over in Cuba.
They haven't had to ban a film up to that point, but they ban the first film.
And Castro comes and gives like a two-hour speech to the intellectuals explaining why they're going to start banning.
It was just a film about poor black people having a good time.
It doesn't seem like there's a lot of political content in the movie.
But it gives this long, beautiful...
Two, three thousand words at the top going, I'm listening to you and you're listening to me and isn't that great that we have a conversation?
And then just out of nowhere he goes, the revolution's in control and your freedoms are not.
You don't have a right to make whatever film you want.
And people are clapping and going for it.
But if you take revolution and sub that out for progress or safety or anti-racism, people would totally get behind that.
When I first got to the club, I was going.
I think if you have a materialist worldview of the universe, that makes sense.
I can see how you would get there.
It's a weird thing to say God has given you a right to express yourself and to hang out with who you want.
This is why it has to be in the Declaration of the Constitution, but these are God-given rights and they're self-evident.
Because if you were designing a utopia, which is what every revolutionary wants to do, you're saying we're fixing society, we're fixing human nature.
There's nothing that would intrinsically make you say people have a right to say whatever they want.
Like that has to come from somewhere.
That's like a, that's a weird, it's beautiful.
But then as soon as they have a revolution, they take that away.
You use the weapon of your master.
The revolutionaries, having been under Batista and oppressed and not allowed to say what they want, they come to power and they go, yeah, we're going to be doing that now.
That's what the guy in power gets to do.
But to say the state is ceding that, this is like a beautiful, strange...
Well, Canada might have to become a state and then there's a lot of good land up there.
Get a freeway and a Chick-fil-A.
This thing of like- Yeah, America's done a great deal.
But the rate of change in the culture is also unparalleled.
Like, you look at the Egyptians and they're doing the same pictures for thousands of years.
The feet all point in the same way and we don't mess with the artistic style.
Like, the medieval era, there's a homogeneity through time and a culture that gets passed on.
If you look at America over the last 70 years, it's wacky.
A couple nights ago, I was watching like the number one song in America consecutively on YouTube.
So like they play 20 seconds from that number one song and then the next number one song.
And early on, it's all like guys in suits going, my baby, she's so beautiful.
I'm going to take her to a dance.
And then by the end, it's like, you know, I'm a fist your ass and kill someone with my rifle like it's.
Like all the institutions are ostensibly the same.
The way people vote, the way people go to school, the actual culture that's inhabiting all those things is like radically changing all the time.
When The Beatles and The Doors and The Stones come through, it's like here are the first cool people ever.
I remember I saw my friend Amos on a date.
His girlfriend broke up with him, and he went and did... He was booked for 10.
David Bowie definitely shifts into a weird.
But by the late 80s, they figured it out.
They figured out how to appropriate the counterculture thing and put a corporate look on it.
Early Frank Capra just watches like a normal modern film.
When you started comedy, was this early 90s?
So there would have been a period, like it seems like cocaine was big in American comedy circles for a time.
But it disappeared at a certain point.
I don't run into active drug addicts very often.
He was just complaining about being devastated.
Heroin people keep going.
Yeah, but the red hot chili peppers look great.
I think after By the Way, I think they... But they were a heroin band for ages.
Iggy Pop, I don't know if he's still on heroin, but he's looking... Oh, he's terrible.
When I first met Adam Egott, I went, oh, Mr. Egott, I've seen you.
And it was all the things that were wrong with his comedy beforehand were, like, gone.
But he looked that way 30 years ago.
Did you see the ACDC one that was like last week?
You got to see Iggy Pop first.
I saw Iggy Pop like 10 years ago and he was great.
I had to kick a woman in a mosh pit.
He was saying, come on stage, everybody.
I couldn't listen to Passenger before a show.
He used to be, like, unpleasant in people's face, and then he was, like, free and likable.
Does he still look good in the face?
It does look like he's got spina bifida now.
Check out, after that, bring up the ACDC at the moment.
It's like, you can't engineer to be broken up with...
That's why Neil Diamond had the right plan.
But this is, I mean, if you were a classical composer, you just get to be old and wear your big powdered wig and keep writing until you're 80.
As a rock star, a big part of it is that you're physically threatening and that women want to have sex with you, right?
I got to meet Al Pacino's baby mama.
This is the one that went viral.
No, it's the way he's saying oi.
I don't think he should have to retire, but... Still play a long set.
That's our greatest export.
We've never done anything that great before or since.
Yeah, I got to see him like 10 years ago and he seemed old then, but he was still grooving.
I mean, yeah, but then she's talking about her young woman things and you just want to read the Financial Times in peace and...
I got dragged away when I met her because people thought I was going to ask weird stuff.
He's still out there doing it.
I just like it done the old-fashioned way.
I like Genghis Khan rooting his way across the step.
He's one of the only billionaires who allows himself to be seen and judged and thought about.
But if we had a list of the top 100 richest people in the world, we would know eight of them.
Like, these are the hidden figures who are off doing that.
Once they're building an ice, what, a tobogganing room in the desert.
Kenison, the first time I realized that he was a big thing was when that poster went up backstage at the mothership.
But they didn't even put, you can't even go to the toilet in the Burj Khalifa.
They didn't put like, it's so big, they couldn't get plumbing to work it.
So they have like trucks come along and pick up the poo from downstairs every day and have to drive it out.
I could be getting that wrong, but someone told me that they have, like, semi-trails that come by in the morning.
I was right about the foot binding.
I was right about... We should probably edit that out so they don't kill you.
No, I love the Kingdom of Saud.
I could be got on Compromat so easily.
I'll say great things about the regime.
Not even someone selling dick pills or nothing.
We didn't get... I mean, maybe some people got them.
I want to get to that level.
I'll be doing draft kings.
I'm trying to figure out what companies I would have on my podcast, and I wouldn't.
Yeah, but I don't like the companies.
Regular, but yeah, money for this.
It's ruined footy in Australia.
I think we're the... Now, I will be right on this.
We got Ron White because he was on Comedy Central.
Australia's the highest per capita gambling losses in the world.
We shouldn't be beating the Asian countries.
Asians should have gambling down pat.
I think everything is so safe that it's like, I've got to lose everything on this.
So I had seen his special like a bunch of times.
Because booze is expensive and...
But then the way that they advertise, you always have to see the line.
You can't watch a game of football with someone because they go, they don't just want their team to win anymore.
They want this guy to get 27 disposals and the second goal of the game.
It's like, I want to watch footy.
But gambling is very exciting.
I think, like, if your guy gets, you know, he wins, but by submission, then you're upset because you didn't knock the other guy out and you lost money.
But in terms of American comics, I didn't get Kinison.
Also, that was the first one of those I've watched since I met you.
You go public when you win.
It's a guy who comes back to the office on Monday.
We got Chappelle because we got Chappelle Shaw.
Hold on, but this is a whole website dedicated to it.
He could have set this up.
People around me had Hicks, but I was late to Hicks because the men who loved Hicks were nuts.
Yeah, but you always bet on the Royals in the cricket.
I think there was a footy player in Australia who was betting on himself to kick goals.
He was backing himself, and it was like $15 or something.
He got in trouble for that.
He's betting on himself to do well.
I think if you bet on yourself to win, that should be legal.
I bet on the Eurovision Song Contest.
But there's definitely room for... If there's room for someone to throw it, that's an issue.
There's something good here, but I'm going to have to come back to it.
Eurovision is a good bet.
Was it on the waterfront?
But like that Logan Paul, Mike Tyson fight.
He could have knocked him out.
And clearly was choosing not to.
I mean, he bows to him at the end.
But there's some guy out there who had a million dollars on him.
I mean, we watched that in the green room, I think, and we couldn't get it going.
There's many such cases of guys who are great, but they destroy-
I love the Israeli government.
There's compromising the sport and that's like bad.
It's just like- If I bet on it, it would bother the fuck out of me.
Watching it with people who have, who are so in on it.
Man, the sports betting apps, they introduce like chat apps in them in Australia.
So it's like they're trying to take the place of social media companies where you go together and you meet your friends.
Like betting should be exciting enough without having a weird parasocial thing.
There's a lot of little Casey Rockets running around.
But you have to have actually watched the fight to get that.
I watched that Oliveira fight, and we were with Nate's team in San Jose.
Someone says, the man who knocked him out, he's like, his punch is incredible.
They were all saying, like, this isn't easy and Oliveira's going to lose because of this man.
And then when he hits him in the head, you go... Because he knocks him out on the first punch and then catches him on the second and hits him twice after that.
But it's like... I don't know about fighting.
And then watching that, I couldn't believe he was knocked out from... It didn't look like it should have had that impact.
And Volkanovsky's currently the champ.
And he's going to fight the Scouser?
The Scouser kept saying, Scouser kept going, I want him.
And then Nate's team were going like, he thinks he wants him, he doesn't want him.
This is my first year following it.
My brother watches it a lot.
How often does that come into it as opposed to the marketability?
But this is what then kills... This hurts boxing is when you have a champ who just repeatedly takes on people that they can walk over to extend the victory.
There's a little bit of that.
But because the UFC is all one thing.
Have you seen those late Muhammad Ali interviews where he's going back?
He's going back again and people are begging him.
You don't have to do this.
It's fine that it's over.
He didn't have any money, man.
How did he not have any money?
There's a guy who did that with Kanye's mansion in LA recently.
He's written a book about it.
John Safran, who's one of our best- Really?
Yeah, he wrote a book about- He trespassed?
He wrote a book about squatting in Kanye's mansion.
He was like, you can just come in through the shrubs out the back, and I finished the book sitting in Kanye's house.
He was always doing wild stuff.
He ran naked through the streets of Jerusalem, I think.
He got crucified in the Philippines.
At Easter, they ritualize.
They really drive nails through your hands, but they crucify people in the Philippines.
He went and got, for the season finale of one of his shows, he got crucified in the Philippines.
He was a Liverpudlian comedian, I think.
He stole a lot of Eurasian women's underpants to see if he liked the smell of them better.
No, and then he took other underpants that were not Eurasian to see if he was attracted to... He stole his Eurasian friends' underpants.
Well, I've never heard him speak on this.
But he would come out and he would do his new hour and people would clap and say thank you.
Now that he's writing books, but his documentary series were great.
He was in a show called Race Around the World, and everyone else would take it very seriously.
They had six aspiring filmmakers.
And then he would say, right, I'm going to do the hour I did last time I was in town.
You can leave if you want, but I'll do.
Was he losing the second fight?
And the second hour is the hour he did the year before.
I thought it would be bad.
And then he'd do the hour that he did the year before that.
And he'd just do hour after hour until the whole – like if people had enough, they could get up and walk away.
I like looking at the super yachts.
I look like a Jeff Bezos super yacht.
You have your friends living there.
But he'd be there for like seven hours.
It's very hard to say no to giraffes.
I feel very lucky that I got to open for Shane and he lives very humbly.
And like Matt still drives his old car.
I think Michael Jordan's house, he sold at a loss because of everything he'd done to it.
He tried to take the shoe gate off.
The gate was a pair of Jordans or something.
Someone did sage last night backstage.
There was an odor backstage last night and I came off stage and it was gone.
Yeah, the guy working security said we burned sage.
I think someone might have just, I won't name who it was, but someone might have left a terrible smell.
Yeah, I mean, I – oh, man.
Cam Patterson, I don't want to – I should have said just a guy.
I shouldn't have added it as Cam Patterson.
No, when he headlined, he bought like enough fried chicken for 50 people.
And it was just me and his – it was like one of the first times I was hanging out with all black people in America.
I was just quietly eating my – Was it Gus's?
It was like no – I don't know where it was from.
It was huge and it was beautiful.
And I thought, I didn't know we had to do that in headlining.
Do we have to get food for everybody?
Man, I have had good meals in that green room.
Brian Simpson ordered ramen and didn't want to eat the eggs.
Everyone looked at me funny for eating it.
He said, I don't want these.
And I said, I'll eat them.
There's also, it's kind of a food, there's a pizza place next door and there's Chick-fil-A way down the road.
And the Diddy Dog is good.
There's a lot of things in vans.
But I am more suspicious of eating out of trucks and vans now than I used to be.
What I like is the Mexicans doing the weird hot dogs with, like, whatever.
They've got huge onions and capsicum.
With, like, a thousand things and a little hot plate.
There's less of them now there than there used to be.
I hope they get to come back.
There was always a contingent of the American people chatting on cable news who would say that illegal immigration wasn't a huge thing and that people were inflating the numbers.
And then when I got here and no one warned me, but I was setting up a house and I went to a Home Depot in the morning and it was like...
Shane took me to his, the YS Firehouse, the club that Dave has set up in.
I don't know, it was like 150 guys just out there.
I mean, this is old hat, and Americans don't talk about it anymore because you've just all known for decades that this is what happens out front of a Home Depot.