Hans Kim
Appearances
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Hey, what's up guys? Good to be here. I'm glad the election is over. That shit was horrible. Now the only campaign I have to worry about is trying to understand what Cam Patterson is saying to me. I can't wait for the grocery store prices to go down as soon as we're done kicking out all the people that grow our groceries for us. Thank you, Latinos, for coming after your protest tonight.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
I don't get why Trump blames immigrants so much. How are they to blame? They just got here. They had no time to fuck anything up. These people who have been here a while, maybe they're the problem, huh? These fucking Native Americans. They had their turn.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Yes. You know, I'm sleek. Yes. Aerodynamic, like a dolphin, I'm guessing.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Gets in the way. It overtakes my dick in like five months.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
I usually just go clean-shaven. I did the Hitler ones as a joke. Ooh. She was not on board. She's Jewish. Ah, indeed. It's like a holocaust down there.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
I was in Fort Wayne, Indiana, doing a big Summit City comedy club. There was a guy there in a full Confederate flag tracksuit.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
That's custom. Yeah, where do you get that? I thought it was a new Kanye merch.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
I was on Dr. Phil Live, amazing show. I was at Salt Lake City. Yeah. Talked about soaking a lot.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Apparently you lay on the bed and then someone jumps up like a Tempur-Pedic commercial.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Yeah. You can't move. Moving is fornication. It's against God. So you have to just put it in there.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Hey! What's up? It's good to be here. It's a great time right now to be a comedian at the Comedy Mothership. We all got jobs in the new administration. I'm in charge of agriculture. Fiona Kali is in charge of immigration. She's the new border Kali. Tony Hinchcliffe recently got in trouble for calling Puerto Rico an island of garbage, which is a compliment.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
He's from Ohio, which is landlocked garbage. I'm glad Trump is in office again. I can't believe the Democrats shut down the whole country for a disease that only kills old people. What are we gonna ban next, stairs? I'm glad COVID happened. It got rid of a horrible group of comedy audiences. I can't wait for a pandemic that targets bachelorette parties. And Dominicans.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
How did that feel, Hans? It felt great. After the first joke, it felt amazing. But yeah, the second and third were great. Yes, there you go.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
It's been great. I have just been, you know, as you said when I saw you on Friday, I've just been staying at my house farting on my girlfriend for a couple months. Yeah. I recently went hunting. I was in a blind next to a feeder, so not really the kind of hunting that Joe does. But, yeah, I actually killed a whole deer, and it was kind of small.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
It was a small deer, which is even harder to hit, so I think... You killed a baby deer.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Is that the bird that flew into the jet engine? No, I'm just sorry. How dare you.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
I'm sorry. I don't know. There's a billion of us. We're just out here coughing on each other. We're a peachy dish for new pandemics. Sorry about that, but we did give you gunpowder.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
What else is going on, Hans? Anything else crazy? I recently went to Cancun with my girlfriend. We stayed in a resort. It's beautiful. It's like a whole other country down there.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
No, it was quite expensive. I told her I got the cheapest room, and then I got her the most expensive room. It was $7,000. But I shouldn't say that.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
I also have started playing Carcassonne as a board game. Oh, Carcassonne. Yeah. And, you know, I recently was in Nashville. I, you know, enjoy having sex with my girlfriend.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
We did a lot of missionary. Let's cut to a clip. We don't have it. What else did you do? We did sideways sex on our sides. Wow. She likes to make it casual.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
It was a female baby. It was about that tall. It was like a cat. I felt like I killed a cat. Well, then it couldn't have been that tall if you felt like it was a cat. Like a Maine Coon. But no, yeah, I killed it. I did a little neck shot right through the neck. Oh, absolutely terrible.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Huh? It'll fit in a corner. It doesn't take up too much space. It's your house.