Hans Kim
Appearances
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
What's up? It's good to be here, thank you, sir. I am Hans Kim, and I am Asian, or as I'm known in Texas, I'm Chinese. So there will be 145% tariff added to your bill tonight. Take a good look at this shirt, you're gonna have to make it soon. Love seeing Trump do optional side quests for no reason. It's like watching a cat play Oregon Trail. He's trying to get a mineral deal out of Ukraine.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
What is this guy, Cam Patterson? I'm not retarded, but I want your rocks. I blame the Democrats. Why would you send a woman out against Trump? This guy grabs women by the pussy. He's got a finishing move. He's 2-0 against women right now. He's the best transgender athlete we have. All right, that's my time. Thank you very much.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Yeah, good to be back, you fuckers. Whoa, geez, got a little attitude to him. Don't know if I like that. No, I'm just kidding. We know. Tell us about your life, Hans.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Been domesticated. Yes. I have a cat stroller now. You have a what? I have a stroller for my two cats. Oh, my God.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Yeah, my girlfriend, she has a couple friends that can't take care of the cats, so they gave them to her.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
They're very nice. They're great cats. One's fat and old. It's like a dog. It's kind of dumb.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Yeah, but it's like every creature dreams of freedom, you know?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
I feel like that's content, you know? It's like, you know? Breaking news.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
I hung out with Heath yesterday. We got drunk. Heath Cordes. We love Heath Cordes around here.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
It was jello shots last night, which is weird, doing jello shots with someone that looks like a child. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Don't talk. We're close. All right. One of them's going to break, and you're going to get a kiss. Typical auctioneer problems. Going once. I've made eyes with a couple girls that are clearly considering it. You've got a chance. Now you've just got to wait them out.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Oh, come on. Vinny, you nasty fuck, dude. You think one of these girls was going to be into you? They're going to do it.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
No, Vinster, Vinster. Don't lie to me, Vinster. I'm not going to take the lowest rung of shit. Why are we talking about this woman like this? Yeah. She was nice enough to come up here. She saved you from... It was sad when no one would kiss you. Literally, nobody wanted to kiss you. This woman came out of nowhere to save you. Goddamn, man.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Beat it, Vinny. Get the fuck out of here. Nasty motherfucker.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Yeah. Drink it. Sue him. Drink it. Drink it.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
We're going to take this fucking thing for all it's worth. Eat the fucking glass.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
I thought it was going to be somewhere greasy.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Welcome to Barstool's Kill Tony. Well, the Packers are here. Actually, when does this come out? Monday? The Monday after. So this will come out when Notre Dame's playing? Damn, think about it. Right now, Notre Dame's lifting a national title.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
So sick, dude. Can't believe we did it, dude. He's back. There he is.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
D, you got to talk to whoever's dressing you. You got to have a chat. Because they're not telling you what that looks like.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
That's all right, man. Come on, man. That's what I do.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
One of the best on the biz. Got your ass, dude. There's nothing you can do about it.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
There we go. Cheers, guys. Thank you. If they would have heard your set, they would have liked it. It was funny.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Mental health! Yeah, what are you clapping for? It's a landmine. Somebody's going to be like, oh, I have a nice black, my doctor's black. Yeah. And they're going to get in there and be, this guy is going to be crazy.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
You just bought yourself another month, red band. Staying alive, dog. What's up?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
He couldn't handle the success of one good joke. What? Unbelievable reference.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Remind us, you have somewhat of a speaking- I think I was on this episode and he said nothing, right? Yeah, yeah.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
You and your uncle were bowling. What happened?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Just claim autism. You think that's crazy? Claim autism. Avoid all this gay fucking bullshit. Just go, yeah, I'm retarded. I'm not gay.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Probably. Yeah, how were you talking before this incident? I don't remember.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
You two queens. He's going to scratch you. Don't say I'm gay.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
See, now you could tell them. You could say, I'm a gay retard. Oh yeah, you should do that. Good luck firing me now. Yeah. You let your pride get in the way of a juicy lawsuit.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
You're right, you're right. Shit, I might be gay.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
You did good. That was funny. No, you did good. We're just making fun of you for being good. But you were funny. The sad... Sweet kid.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Kim, Kim. Why don't they make the plane out of the black box? I don't know. You ever think about that? I don't know. He's too young. He would never have heard that.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Fucking literally scraping the bottom of the barrel. We need Cam. Somebody's got to put these fires out. I'm here to help. Where's Cam?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
The point, because I was in direct eyeline of you pointing at the Mexican guy. You called him fat. He literally was like, Oh, fuck, dude. I'm the only one trying to help you.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Yeah. He's hanging on by a thread. Oh, my God. That would be the... All he does is press fucking bird buttons.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Wait, you had Mexicans calling you Beaner?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Bean's great. Mr. Bean's nice. Yeah, Mr. Bean's funny. Mr. Bean's hilarious.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Do you actually crawl in the computers? Do they send you in the desktops to fit? Do you eat the computers, you motherfucker? No, mine was one of your bitches. I know.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Does anyone want to bet? He's trying to yell out and say I'm taller.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
It'd be like a fucking 12-round flyweight. It'd be like a classic if you guys fought. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Is your, half white, is your Jewish, is your Jewish mom still around? No, she's never been around. Really? No. She's not Jewish. This is so backwards. Oh, she's not Jewish.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Yeah, two years old. No, you guys are lying. Was she actually a Jewish woman?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
All right, I missed that part. I'm sorry.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Okay. No, we're asking about your mom. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Right, right. And then she kept partying. Yes. To this day. Oh, she's still partying.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Sounds like it's not really a fun party. It's one of those heroin. Right.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
I swear to God, you see how slow it was at first? They didn't like it? Oh, no, no. Because of the earring in your ear and your hair.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Oh, okay. Did your parents give you that, or did you do that one?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
How's it feel? Where the fuck were you and Drama King hanging out? You know... Where were you, Drama King? Were you at his apartment? Did he bring you... Did you guys kiss? Let me show you where I'm gonna put the hot tub later.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
That's where all the lovemaking happens, Drama King.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
What else happened, though, after that? What did you guys talk about?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Nope, we're not editing that out. We're going to keep that one in. Red Band, Disgusting, Drama King, we all apologize. Sweet, sweet Drama King. All right.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
I'm going to bring it up five more times so you cannot edit it. Only Red Band. Red Band pressed a fucking monkey sound effect. Red Band. Here, where are we at time-wise? Edit this out. No, I'm going to bring it up. But Red Band literally pressed a fucking monkey sound effect for one second and caught himself. But it was just enough. You just heard that...
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Fire it up. Oh, you're too big now? You're too good?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Are you always this shaky, or is it just... Yes. Yeah? All right.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
That blonde girl is supposed to get me a drink, too, bro. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
So I'm trying to promote the... Your new product is a word. You've invented a word.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Red Band's back. He's going to blow it. He's back. But he's back. He's back. Give him a minute. He will blow it.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
What are you talking about? What do you have, a burp fetish? Well, Mark burped in her face. And then I think you were riffing. You didn't plan on burping right away, did you?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Hold on, I have a question. I'm sorry. Did you honestly plan on doing burp material?
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Did Mark burp as soon as she got on stage? She burped. She did. That was you the whole time? Yeah. Oh, you mutant. Sorry, I was defending her. That's on me.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Some random black guy. One of the band members is going to knock him out.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Hey, that's pretty funny. All right, cut her off. Oh, my God. All right. All right, perfect.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
That is the funniest thing you could have done.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
There's going to be bigger opportunities. Oh, yeah. Trust me, dude. The burp queen. Yeah. She's going to link up with the drama king. Yeah. Yep.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Yeah, I have seen a dick. Wait, that's not how it starts. Hold on. I'm sitting with five of them.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
I'm telling you, you missed out on a star. Yeah. It should have been a gold ticket. That was a superstar.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
My fucking career's starting at the bottom, dude. You should walk in the room first and go, I'm cured. It's me, Aaron. I'm totally fine.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Did they do that in Estonia? Like wear the flag and they're like, yeah.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
You know, you guys participated in some wild moves.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
You forgot I know history, you little nasty fuck.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
I have not heard of a thief like that. Both ways, Nazis and Soviets, you little snake fuck. We did. I know all about your nasty little people. Yeah, look at you. Get it where you fit it, you nasty fuck.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Welcome back. Perfect place to have it. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Look at the Jews turning on each other. I don't know what to do.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
That is quite an Iron Dome you got here. For real, though, you guys shouldn't free Palestine.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Unfortunate timing on that anti-Semitism. Yeah, yeah. We were just getting after it. It's a great joke. It could have been better, but the whole room was kind of like, all right. Might be going a little too far here.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Okay, Austin, I see you! I just moved to Austin, and this place is amazingly terrifying. No, I've been scared since I got here. I ain't know nothing about this area. They gave me a ride. I said, where we going? They said, this 6th Street. I said, no, I know Gotham City when I see Gotham City. No, Sixth Street is dangerous out here. I seen somebody get robbed while he was robbing somebody else.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
And then they tried to put me in a hotel on Sixth Street. I asked the dude in the front, I said, hey, is it safe here? He said, if you can fight, you gonna be all right. It's crazy. Oh, you guys are just so brave for sitting in the front. No, I'm just saying that because my last show I fell off the stage. Take out the whole front. I don't know why y'all laughing. The way my body built, I bounce.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
If you're gonna pick a black city, at least pick mine. I'm from Chicago. Yeah!
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
I've been living here about four years now. Okay, what made you move to Austin four years ago? Y'all have good crack. No, I'm just kidding. I don't know. I don't know. No, I have family in Dallas, Houston. And San Antonio. And this was a central hub. I'm like, I can see everybody from here.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Oh, I do fraud. I mean... He's good. I didn't mean to say that out loud.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Did you say Big Mac or Big Back? Both would apply here. That's what my daughter calls me. I love it. Yeah, she remade Dora the Explorer song. I come in, she go, Big Back, Big Back. Everybody hide your snacks, it's Big Back Big.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
A lot of stuff, but nothing. But listen. Yeah. I'm an author, and I actually brought books for y'all. I make adult, well, children's books for adults. You make what books for adults? Children's books for adults. Oh, I love this. Yeah, and I brought you guys some. Okay. Can y'all bring the books out? All right. Thank you.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
I just lost 160 pounds, Tony. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I was actually, this isn't a joke, but I was hypnotized and I went vegan. Oh, wait a second. Yes. Yes. My friend, Hypnogoddess, she's a comedian and a hypnotist, and she hypnotized me. I woke up three months later in her basement with no kidney. But listen.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
I make a lot of my own stuff. Really? Yeah, I just buy it from H-E-B.
KILL TONY
#697 - RFK JR + ARI SHAFFIR
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose. It got queer. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it close.
KILL TONY
#697 - RFK JR + ARI SHAFFIR
So when I was in high school, girls would play this game called Fuck, Marry, Kill. And it's like where you make a list on who would you rather fuck, marry, or kill. And one time this girl made a list of me, Shrek, and the donkey from Shrek. Yeah, guess who got killed? The girl who made the list. Yeah, so my cousin, my cousin just came out as gay on Facebook because I have his password.
KILL TONY
#697 - RFK JR + ARI SHAFFIR
I remember one time my girlfriend and I were having sex and she kept saying, is it in yet? And as a man, that's not something you want to hear. when you're fisting your girlfriend.
KILL TONY
#697 - RFK JR + ARI SHAFFIR
There's a lot of them. I didn't like them at first, but now I do.
KILL TONY
#697 - RFK JR + ARI SHAFFIR
Racism. No, white bitches. The pros, it's just a cultural thing. Baltimore, all the white bitches do heroin. So out here, it's just like ecstasy and shit. It's pretty chill. The cons, yeah, their dads hate me. Right. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#697 - RFK JR + ARI SHAFFIR
It was terrible. I mean, I did it in, it was in Baltimore, so it was just chaos. Yeah. You know, it's hard to teach a kid after he's called you a nigga, you know? Right. It's pretty difficult. Yeah. Yeah. But I had to do it.
KILL TONY
#697 - RFK JR + ARI SHAFFIR
Well, but you can... Yeah. We can restrain them, though. So, like, I had to, like, learn different holds to restrain a kid. Yeah. So, like, I did get a couple of licks in.
KILL TONY
#697 - RFK JR + ARI SHAFFIR
Oh, man. Oh, yes. Yeah. I mean, I'm not going to say his name, I guess. Right. Yeah, his name was Wayne. Yeah. And it was this chunky ass white kid. And I mean, obviously he was racist, but he loved me. So all of the racism would come towards me.
KILL TONY
#697 - RFK JR + ARI SHAFFIR
So he would get into these things called, like, crisises, to where, like, he would just flip the table, and, you know, he'd hit all the kids, throw the desks, and then he'd say the N-word, and he'd be like, see, you're making me racist.
KILL TONY
#697 - RFK JR + ARI SHAFFIR
Yeah, it was tough. But at the end of the day, I mean, he loved, like, cops, like police officers. Yeah, they all do. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#697 - RFK JR + ARI SHAFFIR
Yeah, it's just the lights on the car. Yeah. And so we would just bring in a police officer at the end of the day, and he would just be chilling with Wayne. Yeah. And then I get to leave.
KILL TONY
#697 - RFK JR + ARI SHAFFIR
Oh, yeah. Yeah. You know, you could teach the cops and stuff, I guess. Or they could teach him.
KILL TONY
#697 - RFK JR + ARI SHAFFIR
Yeah, I mean, I read a lot of books. Yeah? Yeah. What kind of books? All right, so... I guess urban fiction.
KILL TONY
#697 - RFK JR + ARI SHAFFIR
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. So it's like this author called Donald Goines. So, you know, a hood nigga. My type of person. Yeah. So he has this novel. It's called Whore Son. So it's about a prostitute, like a mom, and she gives birth to a son. And she's like, well, I'm a whore, and that's my son. So we're going to call him Whoreson Jones. This is a real book.
KILL TONY
#697 - RFK JR + ARI SHAFFIR
So pretty much, he just becomes like a pimp. Is this erotic fiction that you're reading? I mean, if you like hidden women and stuff like that.
KILL TONY
#697 - RFK JR + ARI SHAFFIR
You just leave with them or something like that? Yeah, it's like a one shelf in Barnes and Noble.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
It's gravy. Very good. I was going to guess an icy. Red Band, you love icies. This is your future here. I'm just here because I need a kidney transplant. You got a little RFK Jr. in your voice too. You got that shaky voice. I need a kidney transplant.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Hold on a second, Misty. Hold on. We're going full pause here. We've never had it come up where someone has an ailment and you're like, well, I'm going through some kidney shit today. Like, what? What are the odds that you're going through?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
There's Media Matt Muehling on the electric guitar. Generous John Dees on the keys. Everyone knows how generous he is. Known for his generosity. And how loud can, I mean, it's the real deal. What can I say? It is indeed Dee Madness on the bass guitar. Oh yeah. We're gonna have a lot of fun tonight. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
I can tell. Yeah, Red Band definitely has kidney problems. He is exhausted all the time. It is incredible. Let me ask you this. Let me ask you this for Red Band because he's being a little shy right now. Okay. I would love it if you two end up in hospital beds next to each other.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
craziest episode of kill tony ever we gave each other our own shitty kidneys right that'd be great if you guys transplanted to each other we can do dialysis together amazing okay so tell us what have you been eating and drinking your life everything yeah but seriously what are your like real guilty pleasures that you think got you this way like me sometimes right before bed i get a little craving you know what i have i i
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
I've been a naughty boy. I go for the chocolate covered pretzels sometimes right before bed. And I think to myself, this is so wrong. I shouldn't be doing this, but I'm a perfect specimen. Now, if I was you, it would be different. I'd imagine I would really know like, fuck, I should not be drinking lemonade like this right before bed. So what is it exactly?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Let me ask you this, Misty. You're on the hunt for a kidney. How much longer do you have? Give us a timeline. How long will you be able to live if there was no kidney given to you?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
So six and a half years. And what are we talking about? What type of bubbles are you at? How filled up is the toilet after you pee?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Oh, my goodness. Can you imagine? Red Band's thinking of a bubble bath right now. This pig over here is like, I'll give you some kidney money. Come over. I'm pissing my chest.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
I am. I need both of my kidneys, though, just in case. I have a lot of fun out there on these streets, and who knows? I might blow one one day. Do you have DFBS or whatever it is? What's it called again? FSGS. FSGS.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
So real quick, before we get back to the show, I got to know, what exactly did the doctor say about your blood results and your kidney?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Ladies and gentlemen, in real time, you're getting the diagnosis. You remember the episode where Red Band found out he had a couple months to live? This is what's great about podcasting. There's nothing prepared. Anything can happen.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Six and a half years. So you have a blood type or something? What are you in the market? How can we help?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
It'd be hilarious if she was from Rochester after all this. We're just like, if there's a good person out in Rochester willing to give a kidney, it's me, the evil guy from earlier. I didn't mean what I said. Please, be a good person.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
So you're telling me that right now there is actually a way that if they request that they will only want to give their kidney to one person, that they can actually give it? I think we're going to save this lady's life. This is... This is bad for the show. There's gonna be a bunch of people with, like, eyes falling out and shit coming out.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
All right. Well, there you go. Misty Boudreaux in Houston. A positive. I have the feeling 99% of our fan base doesn't even know what blood type they are.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Oh, they would trade with an A positive. And they do a paired donation. Oh, my God. Well, I'll tell you this. Whoever in Houston... Whoever in Houston donates their kidney will put you on a guest list for a Kill Tony show. How about that? And here you go, here's a big joke book for Misty. There you go. She caught it like it was FSGS, everybody. There you go, Misty Boudreau.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
There you go, her first time on a comedy stage and most likely her last, everybody. She's not gonna be with us much longer. My goodness. Your next bucket pool in an unheard of unprecedented maneuver is also on the inside. Just by pure luck, your next comedian goes by the name of Carl Kurz, everyone. 230 cold souls at a bar across the street wondering why the hell the show hasn't started yet.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
As both bucket pools are from the inside. Where's Carl? We got movement? Okay. Here he comes. I'm going to pre-pull the next name. Oh, this is taking forever. Shout out to our... Okay, the next one's inside too. That's crazy. Is this like their seat number? Can you wrangle them so that it doesn't take as long? It's not... All right, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. Another insider.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking episode? Wow. Every once in a while, you know, sometimes it's booked a month out, sometimes this, sometimes that, sometimes I find guests that day. This one has been on my calendar for a while, and it has been a dream guest of mine since episode one. And you are here for his debut as a panelist on Kill Tony.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Was there more? Did you want to do more? Go ahead. Oh, that was it? All right. You were just naming stuff that you shoved up your ass. Okay. I thought you were getting like a punchline or something. There's more, but yeah. Okay. Well, if you want to do the rest, do the rest. It's long. How long? I don't know. 15 seconds? Well, go. Do the 15 seconds. Jesus.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Yeah, it's very important that you do that part. That's called the punchline. Right. All of that was set up. You're just naming things you shoved up your ass. I had a feeling there was something more there. Welcome, welcome. Nervous. Fun stuff. You did very good. Thank you. Good job, Carl. You rolled right off of the lady's kidney, right into it. How long you been doing stand-up? First time.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
44. Yeah, what have you been doing with your life up until this point?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
You're being dead serious? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Three ounces of weed?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
So the painkillers, I understand, because you're about to shove so much shit up your ass. The mushrooms, that was just what? To make it all fun or something? Just to have some laughs? I took all the drugs that I had. Aren't you afraid that the mushroom giggling was going to make the stuff fall out of your ass?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
I'm a shove stuff up your ass genius. So if you ever have any more questions, if anyone wants to write in to my magazine, shove shit up your ass monthly. Yes, that is our official sound effect. All right. Sorry, Dice. I'm only in prison.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Okay, so tell us about this robbery. Was this like Home Alone style? You broke through a window and then you're walking over a bed of nails? Uh-oh! Like, anything fun happen during the... Here we go. Give me some good residential robbery music. Here we go. Nice and easy on the drums.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, especially starting at the Comedy Store, this is Comedy Store royalty. He is, undisputedly, one of the greatest comedians of all time. He is the first comedian to ever, ever sell out an arena. Indeed, this is the first panelist appearance ever by the undisputed heavyweight king of comedy. This is Andrew Dice Clay!
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
So that was a time where you got close. How about the one that you got in trouble for?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
I'm sober now, so... Did they give you a name? Were you, like, known for your robberies or whatever? Were you, like, the Steve Bandit or something?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
I want to... Did you ever think about just carjacking somebody at that point?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
How many cars do you think you've carjacked? I stole about three to six cars a night for like... I love that we can go, this is a show where I pull out of a bucket. One second a guy's going, I used to steal three to six cars a night. The next bucket blows, I need a kidney. I'm going to fucking die if I don't get a kidney. Then there's this piece of shit. It's fucking...
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Why do you laugh when you say that? Is that your Steve? Because of all the shit I just fucking said. Hey, I'm in construction. I own a construction. Let me come in and measure your door frames.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
You have any idea how many times you have to be called a can't to put the old crow? Dude, if being called a means you have to have a crow on your head, I'd have a whole fucking bird's nest up here.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Here's our drunk, blind bass player, everybody, just smiling, having a good old fucking time. He's been through two episodes today, this fucking guy smiling ear to ear, just whiskey to the brim.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Oh, Jesus Christ, wait, yeah, okay. I'm like, oh, I've never heard of this. What design is a creek bed?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
What kind of model is that? I've never heard of a creek bed. Is it like a water bed? Yeah, yeah. actual fucking creek, like a bed of rocks? Jesus Christ almighty, dude. How do you even end up somewhere so uncomfortable? Like, it's like anywhere. I mean, find a dirt bed before a creek bed. At least stay dry. You're just like, I'm fucking freezing.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
That is the worst. That truly is bottom. That's below bottom. You're literally a little seed level.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
You kept the Top Ramen and the toilet paper in the creek with you?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
I mean, wow. At least if they... You... It's such an interesting collection. My shoes, my Top Ramen, and my toilet paper. They left you with almost nothing. I can't believe they took your toilet paper.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Wow. Okay. Welcome to another episode of White Looters, ladies and gentlemen. It's a very rare show. No one's heard of it or pitched it before. It's a show called White Looters, where instead of your normal shoe stores or clothing stores like the normal looting types, it's called White Looters. Unsuspecting... I got eight wrenches, dude. Fuck yeah.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
I'm a fucking, I'm my own energy source. I'm going to start my own fucking construction company, dude. White looting. This is incredible. I've never heard of such a thing. But usually our senior looting correspondent is John Dees back here.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Oh, God. That's gutter water. Oh, my God. Creek water ramen. Wow. I mean, this hasn't even been thought of before. No, dude. Holy shit. What's the worst? We're finding that this is a common thing for you. Like, yeah, creek water rum. Yeah. So let me ask you this. What is the worst thing you've eaten in all your prison and all your rehab and all your homeless and all your drug-induced time?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
You're 11 years sober now. By a miracle, by a miracle, you're here performing. What's the worst thing you ever ate?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Wait, how did you eat shit? You had to eat it so that you could shove more drugs up your ass? What happened here exactly? Smoked shit. Wait, did you?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
I like your perspective. I think you're a fucking funny guy. Anything else crazy we should know about you, even though this interview's gone on forever?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Holy shit. So before I let you go, what's next for your... He just said the judge's name to me. He is out here just giving it all away. I don't care, man. I love it.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
When's the last time you talked to Steve? This morning. Wow. You talk to him every day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Does he know that you were going to sign up for the show? Probably. Well, you told him you were signing up for the show.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
So it wouldn't be a probably. It would be yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That he knew that you signed up for the show. What's Steve's last name? No, you don't say that.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
So you just did stand up here. What are your goals? What's your hope with all this? Is this a one-time, like, what do you?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Yeah. Look it up on a map, people. It's frightening. It's the Rochester of California.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
I'm telling you, man, Carl, you really have a knack at this. Going right up straight into a kidney thing and the good everything at the end and throughout your delivery and everything for, you know, for your fucking life. It's incredible. Congratulations.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
The real deal. The man, the myth. This is Andrew Dice Clay on Kill Tony. You guys would get really loud at that point.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
There goes Carl Kurz. We're going to do something fun before this next inside bucket pool, which is Dante. So, Dante, if you want to come up and get behind the stage, you can do that now. It'll save us some time. Congrats to Dante. He's going to be next. But before that, we're going to do something special real quick, a very, very special treat.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Ladies and gentlemen, a few weeks ago, I and my friends did the Roast of Jelly Roll. The 40th surprise birthday roast of Jelly Roll. And it was just a surprise for Jelly Roll for his birthday. It wasn't recorded or anything like that. It's not going anywhere. And one person in particular really roasted the fuck out of me. And she is one of my longest friends in comedy. Uh...
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
since I started almost 18 years ago. Ladies and gentlemen, here, just to share the roast jokes from the roast of Jelly Roll that were on me, I present to you one of my favorite comedians, one of the best. She just fucking lit New Year's Eve on fire on CNN. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the one and only Whitney Cummings.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Whitney fucking Cummings. What a cool drop-in. She's here roasting my ass. Make some fucking noise for the great Whitney Cummings, everybody. What a cool fucking cameo, huh? We having fun here tonight? All right, back to the bucket we go. Like I said, three insides in a row. The odds of that are absolutely insane. It's never happened before.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Again, there's literally hundreds of people, comedians in a bar across the street, and somehow the inside is that lucky. Make some noise for Dante, everybody. Dante from the inside.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
All right, just keep going now because we're already almost there. Is this another street joke or is this like a real joke that you made up? It's a real joke.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Well, I know, but you signed up and you just did jokes that you've been told by funny friends before. What's the difference between dressing and stuffing? What, Tom? I won't be dressing my, right?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Hey. We all agree, even Michael Gonzalez. She's going to get the ring back.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
I'm just here. It is true. Dice is correct. This is backfiring. Even Michael Gonzalez, one of the nicest guys in the world, yelled, that's right, when Dice said, you don't do that. So, do you think that she really loves you, or do you think that this may have entirely backfired?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Five years. How long have you been engaged? Four months. Four months. And when's this wedding planned? When's it going to take place? Do you know?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
11 or 12 years later, you found out that it wasn't about murdering people.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Is this your second marriage? Yeah. Both, yeah. Is this her first marriage, the fiance? Second also. This is the funny shit. This is the funny shit. Both of your second marriages.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
What part of the trip did you decide that you were going to sign up for the show? Were you driving here?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
I'm kind of confused. Was there a special sign-up thing that happened? Someone walking by? Yes.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
All right. And someone yelled, does anyone want to sign up? And so just a bunch of dumbasses were like, well, yeah, if they need comedians, we'll sign up.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Well, no, yeah, well, that's a common thing. No, it's a common thing that we would have to do because they have to get the sign-ups from the people that do want to sign up that are coming in from the audience. So, yeah, it makes perfect sense.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
But the part that doesn't make sense, this is the first time I do believe in the show's history in which I ever heard that someone decided right then just because someone was taking, like, you know what the show is. And then here you are doing fucking, you know, like, jokes.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
How do you feel now? Now that's cool, people with courage. These are the people that would go fucking bungee jumping and forget to connect the cord. Like they're all just like, woo, adventure, yeah, go for it, fuck it, I'll chase your dreams. But look at them now. Look at them now. I'm with Dice on this one. I think you may have just fucked up the rest of your life.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
How'd you guys meet? There might be some more kids. How did you meet? Were you back there putting in a pool or something?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Just never going to happen. Well, you do know about stand-up, and that's why we are here. Over 230 human beings signed up for a chance to get on this show. They have no idea who the guest is or is gonna be, so when they turn around after doing a minute, they're going to be looking down the barrel of Andrew Dice Clay.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
I saw her when she walked in and I said, hey. Heidi's clapping extra hard. She fucking roots for Team Gold Digger over here. Look at this one.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Are they out? Are the tits out tonight? Keno, get us some house lighting here. Let's see what's going on. Oh, wow. Okay. Oh, wow. All right. Okay. Wow. My pool just went above ground. Look at that. It's incredible. What do you think about frothy pee? Fucking disgusting. Unbelievable. Turn the lights back off. Okay. Dante, I spent way, way, way too much time with you. Here's a little joke book.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
There he goes, Suicidal Dante, ladies and gentlemen. This is your next comedian. This was an actual comedian from across the street. Make some noise for him. He knew he was signing up for this show before he got here. Ladies and gentlemen, this is 60 Seconds Uninterrupted for Mike Jones. Mike Jones.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Very cool. Thank you. I guess I'm the gay one after somehow all that gay shit that you thought of and wrote and memorized, you fucking freak. Yes. Good one, Mike. It's the hardest I've been roasted the whole episode was your gay fantasies and you go, right, Tony? It's like, how am I the fucking gay one? You're the gay one, you creep. You hurt my feelings, man. How's it going, bud? How are you?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
How long have you been doing stand-up? This is my first time on... What is going on tonight? This is just annoying at this point. It's a bunch of mentally ill people like, you'll never believe. This is my first time. It is. We're not surprised. It wasn't any better than... We've had three first times before you tonight. They were all better. That hurts. I know. It's hard to believe.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Now, you don't know what that's like to have to look at you after doing a set, but let me tell you, this person's inside. That's interesting. So our first bucket pool will come from the inside. We're going to watch people do 60 second sets. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Oh, God. All right. Here's a little joke book. I'm going to keep it moving along. Yeah, no, I don't know. Yeah, I don't want you to promote your stupid card game. Let's go. We're keeping it moving. It's okay. Put the mic back in the mic stand. There you go. Jesus fucking Christ. People used to come on this show to try to make it. Now it's fucking people, I got a new car game. I need a kidney.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
I agree. There's issues there. I agree. Dante is bawling out of control in the middle of the room right now. He's sucking on his fiance's tits in celebration of how good Mike Jones just made him look.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
The J. It's so true. It's so true. Well, hopefully this gets better. We got another bucket pool. 60 seconds uninterrupted going to Candace August, everybody. Candace August.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Are you guys ready to start the first ever Kill Tony with Andrew Dice Clay? We're going to start it with a bang. I present to you a new minute from one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. To kick things off tonight, ladies and gentlemen, how many of you are a big fan of the show? Woo!
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
I want to hear more about the black thighs. Let her go. I'm sorry, that was the time limit. Do you have more black thigh stuff?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
A breath of fresh air. Candace August has arrived to the Kill Tony universe. I can't tell whether you're great or the rest of the show is sucked that bad. Dice was just reminding us. We don't know what's bad until we just got word Dante is back.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
All of it in Atlanta, or how long have you... Houston or Atlanta? Which one is it here? Come on! Yes, one more. One more Black City.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
That's fantastic. This is exactly where you belong. You are in the right place at the right time. I love it. And you were a bigger girl before, really? How much weight did you lose?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Wow, hell yeah. Red band, come on. What's going on over there? Red band. Sir. It's red band over here. Oh my goodness. I expected it. I expected it. Yeah. His inner thighs are also black from all the melted chocolate when he falls asleep at night. Yeasty. Falls asleep with milk duds on his lap, this fucking guy. I love it, Candace. So how about for a job?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Is it really true that your inner thighs are blacker than the rest?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Our senior big thigh correspondent, Brian Red Band. Absolutely incredible, Candice. I love your energy. Did you move here alone? You got a man? I have a husband.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
But then you'll be happy to know, kicking things off, a brand new minute from the one and only, this is Cam Patterson, everyone.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Normally they're the ones doing the calling for debt consolidation. It's interesting that there's someone with experience on the other end of the line. That's so fun. And how about your phone call thing? What's that?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
That's great. What was that first date like? What did you guys do?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Was it a watermelon martini? No. Come on. What are you groaning for? We're having fun here.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
How did I not know with everyone working at a fucking call center? Wow. You should have known. Oh my goodness. So what was the order? What exactly does an Indian order? Mud water? You can't get canceled by the Indians. They don't listen to the show. They don't care about it. We're friends with the sauna mod. We're good.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
For an Indian, did he perhaps, like, pour it all over his hands and stuff and, like, try to flip it around, mix it with bread, and then, like... Indians are wild out there.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
We will roast them until they look like your inner thighs. Whoever they may be. White people aren't safe. They're the worst of them all.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
And I got to tell you, we needed you. Every bucket pool has stunk up the stage so much that you would think it was your husband's wife beater in the hamper. Do you have a lot in common with him? Like butter chicken? Wait, what? Shut up. What does that even mean? What did you just say? I don't even know. Red Band may have actually just been racist just then. What is butter chippin'?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
That is an Indian dish. Butter chicken. Oh, butter chicken. It is an Indian dish. That was a good one, Red Band. Butter chicken. I thought you said butter trippin'. I'm like, oh, Jesus. I don't even know what that means. Wow, that's amazing. I cannot, I don't think I've ever seen an Indian man with a black woman before. He must have like, how do you think he ended up with that kind of confidence?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Normally it takes a very specific kind of swagger to get a real, especially a fucking D.C., Tampa fucking... Like I know what's going on over there. But how does a, cause these Indian guys are normally pretty little, right? Are you taller than him?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Exactly. It is incredible. But where do you think he gets that confidence? Even with height, I still think that it takes a certain type of guy. I've still never seen a tall Indian guy with a powerful black woman either.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Candice August, I hope you sign up more. I hope we get to see more of you. Red Band? I would love to have you on The Secret Show. Whoa! Candace August is booked for The Secret Show. There it is. Big joke book. What an appearance. What a debut. That is how it's supposed to go. Make some noise for Candace August, everyone.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Yeah. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool goes by the name of TJ, everyone. TJ. Here comes TJ. Oh, wow. You know who this looks like. All right, let's start from scratch here. I'm gonna give you, I don't normally make a joke at the top of somebody's set. I couldn't help myself. It was just right there. Ladies and gentlemen, a fresh start.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Wow. First of all, let me tell you, you are the biggest seven-year-old I've ever seen in my entire life. You look like a giant child. How tall are you exactly, TJ? I'm six feet. You're six feet? Six-three. Six-three. Okay. You're nervous. You got a little slur there. Wow. Dice, what do you think about this guy?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
That's what I'm thinking. That's what I'm thinking. What ethnicity are you, TJ? I'm actually Sri Lankan. Oh. Yeah. What are they known for? Tourism. Tourism.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Okay, he's about to pass out. Does anyone have a glass of water? These hipsters are handing you their half-filled drinks. No, don't do that. No, no, no, don't do that. We have to have a water back here. We're going to grab you a water. It's okay. My mouth is really dry. I know. It's okay. We're going to get you a water. Look at the lovely Heidi, everyone. What's going on?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Look, Kobe Bryant ain't strong enough to open a bottle of water. Kobe looked better than you after the helicopter crash, by the way. So, TJ, how long have you been doing stand-up?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
But do you practice every day? I'm trying. Well, I'm here. Well, yeah, you're here right now. I do this every Monday. I've never seen you before. Right. Yeah. But I mean, I just started a year ago. OK. Yeah. All right. But you're out at open mics practicing every night, every night in Austin. I just got here three nights ago. I literally just got to Austin. Okay, from where? From Canada.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
What part of Canada? Toronto. Okay, that's why you look like that. Yeah. How many times did you get vaccinated? Tell the truth. I did not.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
to not get vaccinated. This is the first time I've ever seen a Republican in a Lakers jersey. I don't know if I believe any of this. What do you think makes you a Republican? Just out of curiosity. I don't normally like to get political, but you look too skinny to be a Republican. But tell me more. That's coming from me.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
I wish I wouldn't have asked that question. What do you do for work? I was a banker, and now I'm in sales. Okay, what are you selling?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
That sounds interesting. I think I got a lot of phone calls from you guys a couple months ago. Amazing. Okay. So what do you do for fun? I play tennis, do comedy, hiking. Yeah, what else? Tell us.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Mark, don't you agree that your balls are the same size that they've been for over 20 years? Maybe. Did your Sri Lankan parents have anything to do with you not wanting to chase your dreams?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
This is all good. Impersonations. Great question. Wait, you're still going with this Kobe thing? It's almost like he didn't hear he had an accident.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Super topical reference from Brian Redband. 1988 classic. Yeah. Kobe and Indiana Jones are just as old as one another. Amazing. Do your shot one more time. Let's see what a basketball shot from you looks like because it was unbelievable what I think I saw a moment ago. I tried to pretend like I didn't see it, but I want to see it again.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
It's okay. Just put the microphone down for a second. Let's see what it would look like you shooting a basketball into a hoop.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Here he is. Wow. Wow. There's a certain smell that just went over the entire room from that. That is a Sri Lankan salsa, if I've ever smelled one. That is absolutely incredible. Drink less water. You're sweating too much. No. Okay, TJ, but this was fun. Here's a, I like your style, and since, even though I would normally give you a small joke book, it looks good with your jersey.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Here's a medium KT joke book. TJ. TJ. So best, so Kobe. What? Oh, Kobe, yeah. Kobe would have caught it. Yeah. Music for what? You're going to dance out? Give him some music to dance out. You know what? I've never had anybody ask for that before, and I'm just in the giving mood. Give him some. Can we get some Sri Lankan dance music? Oh, Jesus. Wow. Wow. Okay. There he goes everyone, TJ.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Dancing his way back to obscurity. He didn't even dance. He forgot the book, he didn't take the water. He forgot his joke book too. There actually is And I mean this in the most non-racist way humanly possible. But there really is a scent up here on stage right now. It is quite incredible. You smell that? You know what I smell? Hold on a second, guys. Hold on.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
What show? You're right. Red Band will know that. This is from the 70s or 80s. Kung Fu. Right, yeah. David Carradine. I am Kane. Oh, yeah. I should have known that. That line just even references Pulp Fiction.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Man. Yeah. That's really something. All right. You guys having fun out there? Make some noise for your next bucket pool. This is J.P. Lambiasse. J.P. Lambiasse. J.P., everyone.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
J.P. Lambiasse. Am I saying that correctly? Lambiasse. Lambiasse. Okay. Hell yeah. Now, what is Lambiasse? What kind of last name is that for an Asian boy?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Yeah, that makes sense. Italians are good people. Yep. Out there saving Asian babies. You were bought from France?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
I still don't understand. Oh, I see. Does your Italian family pronounce it Lambiesse?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
No, yeah. No, I know. Yeah, that makes sense. I read names every week on this show. I just found it interesting. I've never seen an Asian with an Italian name. Yeah, it's fun. What's JP short for? Jap? Benito. Is that a slur? Did I just accidentally slur again? Oops. Oops, I slurred again. You can't only do it if it's an Asian guy and it's JP. You're having fun, right?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Oh, okay, perfect. Perfect. Perfect. Perfect. Absolutely amazing. Hell yeah. Asians love playing the victim for some reason. Little fun fact. It's very weird. They don't have to do that, but they do. That one. Good question. John Dees wants to know, he doesn't ask many questions, but I did just hear him ask, were you on Squid Games?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Okay. All right. So welcome, welcome. Have you been on this show before? Yeah, yeah. It was a train wreck. What happened then?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
What type of slandering is she doing? What is she saying bad about you?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
But she also said... Rare for an Asian, but for someone raised by Italians, makes perfect sense. Do you get mad like an Italian? Did your parents teach you that? When you get mad, are you Asian or are you Italian?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Now I got you being racist back to me. So we're good about the chap thing earlier, just to let you know. You know, Italians, we're just all mozzarella to one another. God, it's so racist. I feel like a real victim right now. Well, thank you, Red Band. Okay, so, all right, well, then maybe we shouldn't talk about your slandering, suing ex-girlfriend then, huh?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
I'd like to, it's fine, but... Well, what do you want to say? I mean, what's interesting about all that?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
But does she have any actual... Have you ever done anything homosexual-like before?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Oh, that'll do it. That's gayer than anything I've ever done. So it looks like we can't really relate to each other at all. Yeah, well. Did you text her that because you're gay?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
So you're just like, at that point, you're just like, please, you know, I don't have anybody else to go to. Like, I'm gay.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
See what I'm saying? That's actually a smart approach. If all else fails with a crazy chick, just go gay. That's amazing.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
That is some fucking Jedi level. It took an Asian raised by Italians to figure that out, just to crack the code. And of course, in their own inner anger and rationalization with themselves, they're like, oh, that makes sense. Of course you're gay, you f*** it. Right. Did you have to prove anything? Did you Photoshop any dicks in your mouth or anything like that?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
She's just a white girl? Just a white girl. Isn't that amazing? A white girl giving an Asian an Apple phone for a change. Isn't that amazing? Just absolutely incredible. Little role reversal there. Amazing. So 10 years with her, though. Did you have fun in bed? No. Okay. How about now? Have you been, now that you're finally, how long have you been single for? Like two years now.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Yeah, he does. He's got the gloves. Andrew Rice Clay over here. LAUGHTER
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
That's a little better. All right. He just looks like a homeless Asian woman to me.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
It's not a blizzard. You look like an accountant for everyone who had a barrel fire. Oh, shit. Yep.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Okay. Sorry, dad. All right. He is the Italian that adopted him. Wow. So, JP, I mean, she's no longer bothering you, right?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Well, don't bring your fucking trouble to us, dude. We like you, whoever you are. Best of luck with everything.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
She needs a minute first, but... You got to move on, my friend. Does she do stand-up sometimes?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
They're pretty good jokes. How many of the minutes did you write? This is so Asian doing the homework for the white person. Okay.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
It is absolutely true. I fully endorse Cam's statements about anywhere in upstate New York. It is incredible for anyone to stay there after being born and raised there. You should have run for your lives. Instead, you probably settled down with the first person that said that they like you too. And then you accidentally came inside of them.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
All right, JP. She's pretty funny. So does she do stand-up comedy sometimes?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Did you guys start at the same time? You took that comedy class before or what?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
It seems like your whole identity is this girl, and it seems like her whole identity might be you. Do you think... I don't know.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Redband follows, like, YouTube shows and shit. I don't know what's going on.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Do you think there's a chance that you guys might still be deeply in love with one another? My ex? Yeah, the one that we've been talking about for 10 minutes straight. I didn't know what you were talking about. No, I know you and Red Band are deeply in love with each other.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
You do look strangely like his girlfriend, though, now that I think about it. Leave me alone, Tony. Janice, Janice, is that you? I know she's been getting migraines lately. She might be a little swollen. She might have an inflamed head. Wow, that actually is a pretty good impression. Is Janice here? Can we get Janice? Can we do a side-by-side?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
If you're going to go Asian, you got to go Asian. You could do a more Asian accent than that. Let's hear it. They can't say the letter L. Right. Yeah, that's a good way to know.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
He's teaching you how to do an Asian accent. So come on, fucking give it to us. Summon the people.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
You're making it very weird. I can see why your ex fucking sued you and took your shit. I don't do it. It gets creepy after a while. I don't even do those kind of jokes. I know. I'm sorry I even said that. No, it's great. No, that was fantastic.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Remember when I would do that stuff? Well, yeah, I still do it. I'm very immature.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
And now you're stuck there forever in eternal hell while literally the rest of America laughs at you right now. They might seem like I'm crawling through your internet screen and talking directly to you. And that's because I am. Everyone in upstate New York, evacuate, evacuate. You'll thank me later. There you go. We got this.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
JP, how did it feel doing an Asian accent? Do you feel like your ancestors that gave you away?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
What an amazing twist. Here you go, JP. There's a big one. Thank you. Congratulations. There he goes, JP Lambiasse.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
All right, your final comedian of the night, out of the bucket, goes by the name. She's been on the show numerous times, especially back in the day when we first got to Austin. Since then, she worked her way up as a door person here at the Mothership and gets regularly booked on shows all the time. One of Adam, the talent coordinator's favorite top young rising comedians.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
One of our favorite top young rising comedians. Make some noise for her. This is a brand new minute from Christina Mariani, everybody.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Exactly a minute. Unbelievable material from Christina Mariani. That is fantastic. That is an unbelievably great joke. How you doing? Still as awkward as ever. Still just like the day you started over there. Never ends. How's it going, Christina? How are you?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Fantastic. Remind everybody, it's been a while since you've been on the show, right? Yeah. But you used to be on when we were at Vulcan.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
yeah and things have been going good how long have you been doing stand-up overall three years three years yeah okay so you started back then yeah you still don't know how mike's stand works i like that it's fantastic no you're doing great the cords wrapped around there you're stuck there you got it you got it i got it i love it how do you feel right now you just performed you just crushed in front of the great andrew dice clay it really was amazing yeah thank you thanks
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Thank you so much. Let the record show, tonight's episode, three out of the top four performers were women. It's unbelievable. Christina Mariani, Candace August, Whitney Cummings, and Cam Patterson, representing... Representing the men. No, I'm saying that's the one out of the four that was. That would be a weird joke for me to make. Cam's a woman, everybody.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
No, I'm saying out of my, what I have ranked the top four sets, three of them were women, which is... a mathematical anomaly. It is unbelievable. But you, Whitney, Candace, very, very funny. How's life been going? What's it like out there for Christina Mariani? You're in Austin. You've been here for years. You're having great sets. You're on a lot of big shows. You're a shy, nervous.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Okay. Can you tell us about some of that? What are some of the things that you used to do that were uncool and now you have control over them?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
I don't know. I don't know. I mean, yeah, you seem like you're blending in well. Thank you. You're not sweating like a Sri Lankan right now, I can tell you that. We had that happen.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Wow. Is that your password or your screen name? That's incredible.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Yeah. It is wild. What else do you do, Christina? What would we be surprised to know about you, about your life here in this interview portion of Kill Tony?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Cool. Wow. You signed up for a half marathon as well? Yeah. Wow. Why just a half? Like her, I understand, but you're a black man. You should be running the double marathon or something like that. You're just going to go beat everybody's ass in a half marathon real quick?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Wait, he runs ultra marathons? Michael Gonzalez is outing you. Big Mike, as we call him. Fitness junkie. So you run ultra marathons sometimes? Sorry, Christina, he's a more interesting interviewer. So have you ever run a marathon before?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
I have no idea what any of that was. I don't know if I endorse that. I might.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Wow. That's more than Red Van has ever walked in his life. It's grand total. Amazing. What else do you do to help your obvious anxiety?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Oh, okay. This is great. Are you the Asian guy's ex-girlfriend? This is incredible. Okay. How long have you been in therapy for?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Not a little bit? No. They didn't go, you know, I'm not saying that you should, but what I would do if it was somebody that wanted pills is this. Because that's how they make vast sums of money. No, I have a different doctor for that. Oh, okay. You're like a homeopathic type of... No, I was kidding.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Right, okay. But did your therapist suggest drugs at any point? No. No, nothing at all?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Yeah, therapists don't do that. Oh, the guy that lives with nine women also knows a lot about therapists. Who would have guessed this, everybody? Well, yeah, but usually a fucking therapist will see a nervous bundle like this and send them straight to the psychiatrist who writes a prescription.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Yeah, no. What would make you more nervous? I want to make you more nervous. Who wants to hear her sing a song, everybody? No. I'm kidding. I'm joking, Christina. That was a fun set. You're famously nervous and shy. Red Band? I'd love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. Fantastic. You ever get one of these before? You want one? There you go. Christina Mariani, everybody.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
And that was tonight's episode. How loud can this place get for the one and only Andrew Dice Clay, everybody? A historical episode for us to have the presence of the Dice Man. The art is in from Ryan J. E. Belt, and it is unbelievable. He drew that during the episode, our artist that draws every episode of the Dice Man. That is incredible. Very powerful. RyanJEBelt.com to check that out.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Is there anything you want to plug or promote? He's one of the funniest men on Instagram, I can tell you that. You may have seen his man on the streets. I'm not here to plug. Right. I love it. I love that. I don't need to plug. God, I love you. You are just the coolest guy.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
I don't know of any garbage places. I've never heard of such a thing, and I would never reference any people as garbage. However, if you're still watching from chilly upstate New York, just know that I was talking to you for that moment. Dice, what do you think about upstate New York?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, everyone? They've been playing for you here in the live music capital of the world. That is Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Big Mike, Michael Gonzalez. Unbelievable. Big Mike is with us. Look at him, just bigger than ever.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Twice at the HGV Center, but to get to have you here at the table, I always knew it would be amazing. It was good. No, it was unbelievable. Did you guys have fucking fun tonight? One more time for Andrew Dice Clay, the best damn band in the land. Thank you.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
It is amazing. Natural, very natural. Since day one, it was always like that.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Thank you. Thank you. I appreciate that. The only guy crying at the end of this set should be the guy from Rochester that messaged you.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Why would you send the poor innocent guy that DM'd you something, you sent that, his profile off to your gang?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
What does that mean, that he's going to turn them into ashes and then sprinkle the ashes into a blunt? And he would smoke them in front of you? Yes. And, like, blow the smoke in your face?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
I agree. Amazing. Cam Patterson, way to get tonight started. And it has begun with a great, powerful set from Cam Patterson. And now it begins. And our first bucket pool is from the inside. This could be any one of you that signed up. Ladies and gentlemen. Ooh, the lovely Heidi has arrived. Your first comedian goes by the name of Misty B, everybody. Misty B. There it is, indeed.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Coming from the middle. It has begun. Her table is very excited about this. Very much Price is Right energy. Coming from the middle table. She's one of you. From the inside, make some noise for her. I do believe this is the Kill Tony debut of Misty B, everyone. Misty B.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Misty B, everybody. The Kill Tony debut of Misty B. Misty, how long you been doing stand-up comedy?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Okay, there you go. Welcome, welcome. What made you want to sign up today?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
That lady literally just touched my dick when she walked past me. On the way here, my girlfriend and I pulled up to an intersection, and there was a homeless guy wearing a Nirvana shirt, and my girlfriend rolls down the window and says, name four songs, dumbass.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
My agent called me the other day and said he thinks there might be a World War III, and I said, great, could there be a part in it for me? But then I started thinking about it, and I think the last thing we need is another Hollywood reboot. What's harder, finding where's Waldo or going to a rap concert and trying to figure out which one on stage is the rapper?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
It's like they're all kind of wearing the same thing on stage, but they're not. Okay, that's my time. Fuck yeah, William lights out Montgomery.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
So nice to be here, Tony. I love it. God, my throat is really hurting right now. I'm a little worried. I don't know. Please, somebody needs to, please, maybe one of y'all knows, but I wonder, I've been drinking so much honey recently. I've been drinking so much throat coat tea with honey. I literally, I will drink a full bottle in two nights. I just wonder if you can have too much sugar and honey.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
It's horrible, Tony. I'm not even kidding. I think I've done something weird. And hold on. Who is that guy? That is on the guitar. He's been weirding me out. Redman, do you know that guy at all? I actually have no idea.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Nice to meet you, Sean. I mean, I just had never seen him before. I've never noticed him before. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, what do you think about it?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Hold on. Can you do something else? That was cool. Something else cool?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Sean, can you play behind your back? Because that all sounded pretty cool.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Tony, you're going to hate me right now. Oh, boy. Guess what I've been doing. What have you been doing? Oh, boy. You're going to seriously. Just do it. You're going to hate to hear what I'm about to tell you.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
I'm not kidding. There's a new Call of Duty, and it's a video game, and I have almost all of my submachine guns gold camouflaged right now. It was a two XP weekend. I have been playing it so much, Tony, so I came up here a little...
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
I have to or I start feeling insane. Right. I start feeling crazy. I have to have some sort of downtime. I have to have some sort of downtime. Okay, cool. I start feeling nuts. Okay. Like really crazy. I started feeling really crazy recently. If I start feeling like I'm working a little too hard, I start feeling insane.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Yeah, getting fucking that six submachine guns. I got gold camouflage. Yes, I was working. That literally was 24 hours.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
You don't beat it. You just keep on playing. Yeah. Wow. But I've been doing that. Yeah, I got to relax. I've been feeling crazy. I got to take a little break. I mean, you don't want to hear that. I got to take some sort of a little break just generally.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Well, I mean, we're getting into the Christmas season. I mean, things are really ramping up, Tony. I mean, this is the most hectic time of the year for my ass. I mean, it's Thanksgiving. Fucking Thanksgiving. What else you got? I mean, it's a lot of... It's not really a lot of Thanksgiving.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
I refuse them every now and again. No. There's just seriously every now and again, I'm like, hold on, this person's trying to trick me right now. And they've all happened to be for those ones. Okay.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Wait, so what do you mean? You got kicked off of an airplane? Is that what all this is about?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Honestly, Tony, there was a time we were, it's been so scary recently because, yes, you're technically correct, Tony. On Sundays, I'm not doing anything, but I generally sleep an hour to three, so I have to nap. I have to nap or I'm not doing good. And it was so scary. I started on these early flights.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
I started having these nightmares that I find myself in the actual airplane and the airplane starts crashing. And Tony, there was one one day where it was when I was opening up for your ass and you were sitting in front of me. And it's like I wake up and I'm on the plane and I see you looking out of the window and like rain starts coming in because there's some issue with the plane.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
And I'm rich. I mean, I think that could mean all kinds of things. Yes. I mean, I currently thank the Lord above. I don't have any debt or anything, but I don't know. I mean, I think it's very much so all relative about somebody spending. I think there's all kinds of stuff that goes into it. That, I don't know. Yeah, things, thank the Lord, have been all right.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
I mean, again, get a Christmas cameo from me. I mean, they're wonderful. Get one of those, but... It's a great ad. It's just been a hard, and now it's raining outside, and I got to go play some more Call of Duty. I don't even want to play it anymore, Tony, but I'm going to be playing it all night long tonight.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
All night long tonight, and it's going to be raining outside, and I roll up some little joints and... Sit by the television and start talking shit and start some of the fucking little peep on the fucking... I love it.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Hey! I'm glad we could have a woman up here. So we could call her fat and ugly. I think men are just better than women at certain things, okay? Sports, war, Ghostbusters, Ocean's Eleven. I'm glad that Trump won. Yeah, because Asians love a good wall. It'll be good to be on the north side of it for once. Asians love walls. We build them everywhere, even at the end of our runways for some reason.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
That guy in New Orleans tried to run over as many people as possible. He couldn't kill as many people as an Asian dude running into a wall. I hope you guys weren't offended. I wouldn't want your butt holes to pucker up. End up looking like my eyes. That's how you get constipated. Can you imagine? I'm gonna shit through these things.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
I recently went to Zilker. Enjoyed the last sunny day here yesterday. Flew my drone around. A dog bit my drone. A dog bit your drone? Yes.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
I was like, it's a couple propellers. I don't need to get it. Did it ruin the propellers? Yeah, I have replaced them. Propellers are the easiest thing to replace.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
You can annoy so many people at once. Wow. People hate drones. Incredible. They love planes. I have an RC plane that everyone loves that, but the drone for some reason.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Like coming up here kind of like triggers me. Going up at the H-E-B arena triggered me. You gagged? Yeah, I was wiping away tears before I went up. Oh, my God.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Yeah, right up there. What happened exactly? I was just with my girlfriend vaping, and, you know, I think there was some cigarette smoke, and then I just, like, barfed into my water bottle. And I threw it away. When was that? About three weeks ago.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
At the Vulcan, I would gag a lot, and the staff would know, oh, Hans is gagging again.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
I would never do that. I know it's a big deal in your culture. What the fuck does that mean?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
He looks a lot like my dad. I really just have to say that.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
But he does look like my dad. It's weird. Do you play music or anything like that?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
What do you mean, fucking nothing? You should fuck your wife louder.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
In his defense, he has to jerk off every time he hears a click.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
I'm less scared of the murder and more scared of the tickles, to be honest.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Well, he's wearing his clothes. You look like George Talkies.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
His smoke detector just goes off whenever he makes spaghetti.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
I like that at the end of it, he was like, you could have my socks. It's all I have left.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
This guy is talented as fuck. I'm going to say it right now. He made 60 seconds feel like an hour. That was beautiful.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
I got to say, the moments when you're yourself and you're an actual douchebag and when you did that thing before you did the bit, there's little glimpses of maybe you could do something there, but you have to go with that douchebag face. You can't hide it. We're looking at it.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
It's very liberal. I feel like the police in Portland lock their doors when they see black people.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Are you into anything weird sexually, like two in the pink, half in the stink?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Dude, when he came out, I swear to God, I thought it was Roseanne and she finally got dementia. He looks like the dude from that movie Split.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Yeah, but this is like one of those chances where you fuck a hooker with no condom and get a disease, you know?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
There you go. All right. Have you considered being a hands-in-the-pocket comedian? No.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
It's hilarious that you think you can just be fast and be in the NFL.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Well, you ended your set with, what do you want from me? And I think I speak for everyone I'm with, and I say, a punchline.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
You would clean up this shithole. Are you out of your mind? I've never been here and not run from a homeless person on this street.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Last time, I was sprinting away from two homeless people screaming at me, and as I was running away, two hipsters in skinny jeans and fedoras were walking the opposite direction, and it was the most humiliating experience of my life.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
But does the breeding kink, is that you want them to be pregnant or you just want to come in them? That's what I'm confused by.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
You seem like a nice guy, you're giving out drugs, you're paying for abortions.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
I hope the company finds the contract. So he gets the job back and stops doing stand-up. It's the joke I was going for. There we go. If you explain it, he's got to explain it.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
I mean, first of all, I know this isn't the wokest crowd, but transvestite, I don't think we're saying that anymore. I mean...
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
I like fucking really big girls in the ass, preferably with really short hair, if possible.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Joe? This is my first time meeting or seeing Drew. At first I thought you had a traumatic injury of the funny bone, but then... Then you hit us with the fuck your mother stuff, and now I'm like, okay, all right, now I can get on board.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Hey, what's up guys? Good to be here. I'm glad the election is over. That shit was horrible. Now the only campaign I have to worry about is trying to understand what Cam Patterson is saying to me. I can't wait for the grocery store prices to go down as soon as we're done kicking out all the people that grow our groceries for us. Thank you, Latinos, for coming after your protest tonight.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
I don't get why Trump blames immigrants so much. How are they to blame? They just got here. They had no time to fuck anything up. These people who have been here a while, maybe they're the problem, huh? These fucking Native Americans. They had their turn.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Yes. You know, I'm sleek. Yes. Aerodynamic, like a dolphin, I'm guessing.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Gets in the way. It overtakes my dick in like five months.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
I usually just go clean-shaven. I did the Hitler ones as a joke. Ooh. She was not on board. She's Jewish. Ah, indeed. It's like a holocaust down there.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
I was in Fort Wayne, Indiana, doing a big Summit City comedy club. There was a guy there in a full Confederate flag tracksuit.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
That's custom. Yeah, where do you get that? I thought it was a new Kanye merch.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
I was on Dr. Phil Live, amazing show. I was at Salt Lake City. Yeah. Talked about soaking a lot.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Apparently you lay on the bed and then someone jumps up like a Tempur-Pedic commercial.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Yeah. You can't move. Moving is fornication. It's against God. So you have to just put it in there.
KILL TONY
KT #721 - JIMMY CARR
It's for Disney. It's called There's Something Down Under. What happens when a man who's pissed off wants to be pissed on? You'll be rooting for the beast.
KILL TONY
KT #721 - JIMMY CARR
Okay, she's got mushrooms. I thought it was gonna be a C-section scar.
KILL TONY
KT #721 - JIMMY CARR
Get in front of the sign, you baffo. That's why you're not true royalty.
KILL TONY
KT #721 - JIMMY CARR
For royalty waits for no one. Somebody put on some Elton John. You too?
KILL TONY
#694 - SHAWN GARDINI + TOMMY POPE
Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.TV and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates, at TonyHinchcliffe.com.
KILL TONY
#694 - SHAWN GARDINI + TOMMY POPE
And this was before mothers could make their boys girls if they wanted to.
KILL TONY
#694 - SHAWN GARDINI + TOMMY POPE
If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to DeathSquad.tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
KILL TONY
#694 - SHAWN GARDINI + TOMMY POPE
It's just not the same anymore. It's bad when Domino's is beating it. Wow. What's the edge? It's just less garlic sauce? Yeah, I think it is. The peppers are all horrible now.
KILL TONY
#694 - SHAWN GARDINI + TOMMY POPE
He used to call me that at Papa John's every time I was here.
KILL TONY
#694 - SHAWN GARDINI + TOMMY POPE
Did you put an application in? Yes, sir. I sent it to you. All right. I'll remember and see. I don't know if we're hiring, but I'll look at it.
KILL TONY
#694 - SHAWN GARDINI + TOMMY POPE
Does it come with a wig? Huh? Does it come with a wig? What the fuck are you talking about, Redman?
KILL TONY
#694 - SHAWN GARDINI + TOMMY POPE
Let's see your feet. Let's see your feet. Fuck you, Redman. No. I bet it looks like five dead ETs. Remember when he's in the water? I bet it looks like five of those.
KILL TONY
#694 - SHAWN GARDINI + TOMMY POPE
Have you ever taken just like two or three days off to reset so you can spend like five bucks a day? Uh, no, not at all. Okay. What? Like, I know so many people that smoke every day, like, hey, I'm, like, go crazy all day. If you just take a couple days off, you reset your tolerance, and then you could smoke one joint and be high as fuck. Like, I always wonder why people don't do that.
KILL TONY
#694 - SHAWN GARDINI + TOMMY POPE
Do you agree? 51-hour specials. What do you think, Red Band? I think you write more comedy than any comedian in the world.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Hey! What's up? It's good to be here. It's a great time right now to be a comedian at the Comedy Mothership. We all got jobs in the new administration. I'm in charge of agriculture. Fiona Kali is in charge of immigration. She's the new border Kali. Tony Hinchcliffe recently got in trouble for calling Puerto Rico an island of garbage, which is a compliment.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
He's from Ohio, which is landlocked garbage. I'm glad Trump is in office again. I can't believe the Democrats shut down the whole country for a disease that only kills old people. What are we gonna ban next, stairs? I'm glad COVID happened. It got rid of a horrible group of comedy audiences. I can't wait for a pandemic that targets bachelorette parties. And Dominicans.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
How did that feel, Hans? It felt great. After the first joke, it felt amazing. But yeah, the second and third were great. Yes, there you go.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
It's been great. I have just been, you know, as you said when I saw you on Friday, I've just been staying at my house farting on my girlfriend for a couple months. Yeah. I recently went hunting. I was in a blind next to a feeder, so not really the kind of hunting that Joe does. But, yeah, I actually killed a whole deer, and it was kind of small.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
It was a small deer, which is even harder to hit, so I think... You killed a baby deer.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Is that the bird that flew into the jet engine? No, I'm just sorry. How dare you.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
I'm sorry. I don't know. There's a billion of us. We're just out here coughing on each other. We're a peachy dish for new pandemics. Sorry about that, but we did give you gunpowder.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
What else is going on, Hans? Anything else crazy? I recently went to Cancun with my girlfriend. We stayed in a resort. It's beautiful. It's like a whole other country down there.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
No, it was quite expensive. I told her I got the cheapest room, and then I got her the most expensive room. It was $7,000. But I shouldn't say that.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
I also have started playing Carcassonne as a board game. Oh, Carcassonne. Yeah. And, you know, I recently was in Nashville. I, you know, enjoy having sex with my girlfriend.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
We did a lot of missionary. Let's cut to a clip. We don't have it. What else did you do? We did sideways sex on our sides. Wow. She likes to make it casual.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
It was a female baby. It was about that tall. It was like a cat. I felt like I killed a cat. Well, then it couldn't have been that tall if you felt like it was a cat. Like a Maine Coon. But no, yeah, I killed it. I did a little neck shot right through the neck. Oh, absolutely terrible.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Huh? It'll fit in a corner. It doesn't take up too much space. It's your house.