Grace Kuhlenschmidt
Appearances
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
I won't.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
It's pretty simple, Michael. America is definitely in the wrong here. We're the bad guys. We suck. And when you've made a mistake, you have to take accountability and tell Canada to shut the f*** up.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
Yeah. Listen, America is in the wrong. No ifs, ands, or buts. But when Canada starts talking shit, my dormant patriotic instincts bubble up and suddenly I'm proud to be an American, which is crazy because I'm not. But I can't help myself. When that guy called our bobsled team slow, that piece of shit.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
Oh, that piece of shit. I want to take Canada's side, but when they boo our national anthem, I'm going to have to shit on theirs. Oh, Canada is in G major? I'm surprised it's not in A minor. I don't really know what that means.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
It's like seeing your mom get arrested. You know she shouldn't have bought beer for those middle schoolers. But you're still going to yell at the cop and try to grab his gun. It's crazy, but that's love. Love for your mom and love for your country. And if that means I can't eat waffles with Canadian maple syrup, then by God, I will eat them with ketchup. Yum.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
I hate it. I'm embarrassed to be an American right now, and as an American, I'm outraged. I don't like this patriotic monster I've become. Last night, I blacked out and bought a Ford F-150. And look at this shirt I'm wearing. I don't even know when I put this on.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
I think I made it. Because I also have it tattooed on my back. Bottom line, Michael, I just want these tariffs to go away. I love this country so much, but sometimes America is just the worst.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
The f*** did you just say about America? Never mind.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Democrats' Cringey Opposition, DEI Ban Black History Quiz | Gabrielle Union
Agree to disagree, Desi. I think the other lady had the better idea. Democrats need to f*** Donald Trump. F*** him real good.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Democrats' Cringey Opposition, DEI Ban Black History Quiz | Gabrielle Union
Oh, well, a penis will go into the vagina.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Democrats' Cringey Opposition, DEI Ban Black History Quiz | Gabrielle Union
I mean, like, how would Democrats do that? Of course. Come on, you know, girl on top, guy on top, reverse cowgirl, the octopus.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Democrats' Cringey Opposition, DEI Ban Black History Quiz | Gabrielle Union
I know how to do that. Wait, what is the octopus? You need an above-ground pool and four people. Or one person with a lot of arms.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Democrats' Cringey Opposition, DEI Ban Black History Quiz | Gabrielle Union
Think of all this guy's pent-up anger, his terrible decision-making, his frantic energy. He's got blue balls of the brain. Think of it like a volcano. If you don't jack off the mountain every so often, it'll explode and wipe out an Italian village. That's science, Desi.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Democrats' Cringey Opposition, DEI Ban Black History Quiz | Gabrielle Union
But maybe if the Democrats f*** him so good, he'll get that post-nut clarity. He'll be like... Wait, why am I cutting funding to stop Ebola? And why is Elon doing here? I hate this guy.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Democrats' Cringey Opposition, DEI Ban Black History Quiz | Gabrielle Union
Okay, I didn't say orgy, but I like it. You're a freak. Look, it's not like anything else has worked. Voting didn't work. Indicting him didn't work. They even lost the election after getting an endorsement from America's sweetheart Liz Cheney. The only option left is to run out the clock four to seven minutes at a time. That seems very ambitious. Fine. Three to five minutes at a time.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Democrats' Cringey Opposition, DEI Ban Black History Quiz | Gabrielle Union
Face it, Desi, you want Dems to take action? They gotta give Trump some action. You want Dems to stop jerking off and get to work? They gotta get to work jerking him off. You want Dems to not blow at their jobs? Yeah, no, I get it. I get where you're going. I get it. I bet you get it, you sex monster. But if this isn't the strategy, I literally don't know what is.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Democrats' Cringey Opposition, DEI Ban Black History Quiz | Gabrielle Union
No, I think you were right. Your group f*** fest idea is the only option. No, no, no, no, great. That wasn't my idea.