Grace Kuhlenschmidt
Appearances
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Republicans Desperately Spin Yemen Group Chat Fumble | Mayor Michelle Wu
Thanks, Ronnie. So far, it's been a pretty underwhelming performance by both hosts. There is one major upset to report. I'm very upset I had to witness this. But now I'd like to give everyone an update on the NCAA Women's Basketball Tournament. Thanks, Grace.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Republicans Desperately Spin Yemen Group Chat Fumble | Mayor Michelle Wu
Thanks, Ronnie. Looking at the numbers, we had three swear words, 17 dick jokes, and two men wasting what little life they have left. And now, a quick update on the women's bracket. Thank you.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
I won't.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
It's pretty simple, Michael. America is definitely in the wrong here. We're the bad guys. We suck. And when you've made a mistake, you have to take accountability and tell Canada to shut the f*** up.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
Yeah. Listen, America is in the wrong. No ifs, ands, or buts. But when Canada starts talking shit, my dormant patriotic instincts bubble up and suddenly I'm proud to be an American, which is crazy because I'm not. But I can't help myself. When that guy called our bobsled team slow, that piece of shit.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
Oh, that piece of shit. I want to take Canada's side, but when they boo our national anthem, I'm going to have to shit on theirs. Oh, Canada is in G major? I'm surprised it's not in A minor. I don't really know what that means.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
It's like seeing your mom get arrested. You know she shouldn't have bought beer for those middle schoolers. But you're still going to yell at the cop and try to grab his gun. It's crazy, but that's love. Love for your mom and love for your country. And if that means I can't eat waffles with Canadian maple syrup, then by God, I will eat them with ketchup. Yum.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
I hate it. I'm embarrassed to be an American right now, and as an American, I'm outraged. I don't like this patriotic monster I've become. Last night, I blacked out and bought a Ford F-150. And look at this shirt I'm wearing. I don't even know when I put this on.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
I think I made it. Because I also have it tattooed on my back. Bottom line, Michael, I just want these tariffs to go away. I love this country so much, but sometimes America is just the worst.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump’s Trade Wars Hike Prices, GOP Blames Biden for Economy | Mae Martin
The f*** did you just say about America? Never mind.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
No one uses that word anymore.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
What would you call that kind of store? A grocery store. That word is so old. Not a single living person uses the word grocery stores, except for you.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
You literally sounded like, hey kids, let's gather around the big parola. It's time to talk about groceries. Groceries is like an old fashioned term.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
Like my like great, great, great grandma used it. And like, she's dead as shit. Yeah. Also, when someone brings up a dead relative, it's like weird to laugh. What's wrong with groceries? Donald Trump says that nobody uses it. Nobody says that. He says it's old fashioned. Oh. So Trump is a trendsetter. He doesn't want to use groceries anymore. What do you think we should call them?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
Yeah. Who sang these lyrics? Eat that booty like groceries.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
Come on, you know him, you love him. I can tell. You know him, you love him. The Beatles.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
Yes.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
It was in Blackbird, I think. And I feel like young people like us, we don't even go to stores anymore. We just get everything from the cloud.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
Oh, food is 100% on the table.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
Gribble Shane. Wokery's. Wokery's. Tummy Treats. Mouth stuffers.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
Oh, really? Yeah. Okay, I won't ask any more questions about that.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's "Liberation Day" Tariffs & Booker's Speech Breaks Senate Record | Melissa Arnot Reid
Why is that funny?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Billionaires Intervene in Wisconsin Supreme Court Race | Bill Murray
Monopoly woman, Ronnie. It's 2025. Women can do anything men can do, including beating up an old man and stealing his monocle and top hat.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Billionaires Intervene in Wisconsin Supreme Court Race | Bill Murray
This race is really heating up, Ronnie. There's so much money pouring in right now, they're not even being subtle about it. Elon Musk is shooting gold bars out of a T-shirt cannon.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Billionaires Intervene in Wisconsin Supreme Court Race | Bill Murray
It is, but the people it didn't kill are filthy rich.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Billionaires Intervene in Wisconsin Supreme Court Race | Bill Murray
Are you kidding? This is the best thing to happen to Wisconsin since Brett Favre's penis. Look at all this. They painted the whole city in gold. The street lamps are crystal chandeliers. The birds are diamond-encrusted. Sure, they're dead, but they're beautiful.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Billionaires Intervene in Wisconsin Supreme Court Race | Bill Murray
No, in fact, they're trying to get billionaire money in all their elections, no matter how small. This morning, I saw an attack ad that said Mary Beth Kowalski should not be senior class president at Sheboygan High because she failed her driver's test.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Billionaires Intervene in Wisconsin Supreme Court Race | Bill Murray
I know. Her mom still drops her off at school.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Billionaires Intervene in Wisconsin Supreme Court Race | Bill Murray
Uh, okay. If you can think of a better way to transfer billionaire money back to society, I'm all ears.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Billionaires Intervene in Wisconsin Supreme Court Race | Bill Murray
What?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Billionaires Intervene in Wisconsin Supreme Court Race | Bill Murray
Taxes? What? Ronnie, I don't know what language you just slipped into, but I got to go. That old man is waking up, and I got to finish the job.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Democrats' Cringey Opposition, DEI Ban Black History Quiz | Gabrielle Union
Agree to disagree, Desi. I think the other lady had the better idea. Democrats need to f*** Donald Trump. F*** him real good.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Democrats' Cringey Opposition, DEI Ban Black History Quiz | Gabrielle Union
Oh, well, a penis will go into the vagina.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Democrats' Cringey Opposition, DEI Ban Black History Quiz | Gabrielle Union
I mean, like, how would Democrats do that? Of course. Come on, you know, girl on top, guy on top, reverse cowgirl, the octopus.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Democrats' Cringey Opposition, DEI Ban Black History Quiz | Gabrielle Union
I know how to do that. Wait, what is the octopus? You need an above-ground pool and four people. Or one person with a lot of arms.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Democrats' Cringey Opposition, DEI Ban Black History Quiz | Gabrielle Union
Think of all this guy's pent-up anger, his terrible decision-making, his frantic energy. He's got blue balls of the brain. Think of it like a volcano. If you don't jack off the mountain every so often, it'll explode and wipe out an Italian village. That's science, Desi.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Democrats' Cringey Opposition, DEI Ban Black History Quiz | Gabrielle Union
But maybe if the Democrats f*** him so good, he'll get that post-nut clarity. He'll be like... Wait, why am I cutting funding to stop Ebola? And why is Elon doing here? I hate this guy.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Democrats' Cringey Opposition, DEI Ban Black History Quiz | Gabrielle Union
Okay, I didn't say orgy, but I like it. You're a freak. Look, it's not like anything else has worked. Voting didn't work. Indicting him didn't work. They even lost the election after getting an endorsement from America's sweetheart Liz Cheney. The only option left is to run out the clock four to seven minutes at a time. That seems very ambitious. Fine. Three to five minutes at a time.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Democrats' Cringey Opposition, DEI Ban Black History Quiz | Gabrielle Union
Face it, Desi, you want Dems to take action? They gotta give Trump some action. You want Dems to stop jerking off and get to work? They gotta get to work jerking him off. You want Dems to not blow at their jobs? Yeah, no, I get it. I get where you're going. I get it. I bet you get it, you sex monster. But if this isn't the strategy, I literally don't know what is.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Democrats' Cringey Opposition, DEI Ban Black History Quiz | Gabrielle Union
No, I think you were right. Your group f*** fest idea is the only option. No, no, no, no, great. That wasn't my idea.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
I don't know.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
Again, I think we're going to wait and see how this plays out.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
every country on the list faces at least 10% tariffs. Even small, remote places like the Heard and McDonald Islands. They are near Antarctica and covered in glaciers, home to many penguins, but no people.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
Because I'm a serious journalist, Michael. I wanted to embed myself with the locals to get the real story. And that's why I disguised myself as a penguin and learned their culture and made it with the hottest one.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
No, they don't all look alike, Jordan Klepper. Wait.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
Well, at first I too thought that Trump putting tariffs on this uninhabited island was a sign that he had suffered brain damage. But after spending a week here in negative 11 degrees and drinking lots of seawater, I totally see where he's coming from. The penguins are taking total advantage of America. We buy all their skins to make tuxedos.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
But have they ever... But have they ever bought any fish from us?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
Yeah, but our fish comes in stick form. My grandfather was a fish stickerman. And these penguins are the reason he lost his job. Also, he got Me Too'd. Plus, America makes a lot of other things penguins don't buy. Soybeans, natural gas, grenade launchers.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
Oh, why? Because they're too stupid?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
Well, they don't have thumbs while they're f***ing me either, but they're doing that perfectly fine.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Tariffs Send Markets Plunging, Penguins Waddling to a Trade War | Scott Glenn
Husta, I have a family of penguins to look after. I'm a mother now. And, oops, they just got eaten by a seal. I'll be home tomorrow.