Gabby Bernstein

The journey of healing is a journey of undoing the false pretenses that we've placed upon ourselves and returning to who we really are. All of us, no matter how great our upbringing might have been, we all experienced some form of trauma.

The journey of healing is a journey of undoing the false pretenses that we've placed upon ourselves and returning to who we really are. All of us, no matter how great our upbringing might have been, we all experienced some form of trauma.

Yeah, well, I can continue to just sort of use my journey as an example, also to let your viewers who may not be familiar with me know that just sitting here in this self-energy now did require a commitment, a commitment to my inside. And really from the early days of becoming a spiritual teacher when I was 25 years old, I... began this journey.

Yeah, well, I can continue to just sort of use my journey as an example, also to let your viewers who may not be familiar with me know that just sitting here in this self-energy now did require a commitment, a commitment to my inside. And really from the early days of becoming a spiritual teacher when I was 25 years old, I... began this journey.

Best tea I've ever had in my life. Thank you.

Best tea I've ever had in my life. Thank you.

I actually really think I became a spiritual teacher when I was 14 because I was running the Jewish youth groups in my region. I was like a spiritual Sherpa at the temples. 400 kids would come and have sleepovers. I was leading it. I think I even knew then this is my dharma. I really turned my back on my spiritual faith from a childhood experience. My mom brought me up visiting ashrams.

I actually really think I became a spiritual teacher when I was 14 because I was running the Jewish youth groups in my region. I was like a spiritual Sherpa at the temples. 400 kids would come and have sleepovers. I was leading it. I think I even knew then this is my dharma. I really turned my back on my spiritual faith from a childhood experience. My mom brought me up visiting ashrams.

She taught me to meditate as a child. I had a lot of spiritual imprints. But by the time I was in my early 20s, I picked up a lot of protectors. And I had probably had them all throughout high school and throughout my life. And they were really protectors like love addiction. I felt like if I'm not in a relationship, I might die.

She taught me to meditate as a child. I had a lot of spiritual imprints. But by the time I was in my early 20s, I picked up a lot of protectors. And I had probably had them all throughout high school and throughout my life. And they were really protectors like love addiction. I felt like if I'm not in a relationship, I might die.

And I remember one day I was feeling so much shame around that love addiction. My best friend from high school said to me, this is when I was in my early 20s. He said, you know, Gabby, you're never single. What's wrong with you? You're never single. And I was like, oh, that's really shameful. I don't like that feeling. And so he said, I'm going to put down that. And what happened the next day?

And I remember one day I was feeling so much shame around that love addiction. My best friend from high school said to me, this is when I was in my early 20s. He said, you know, Gabby, you're never single. What's wrong with you? You're never single. And I was like, oh, that's really shameful. I don't like that feeling. And so he said, I'm going to put down that. And what happened the next day?

I picked up cocaine. transferred protectors, right? So for some reason, that relationship made me feel safe from some impermissible feeling, and that was how I was protecting myself. And then when I put that down, I picked up the Coke. And then when I picked up the Coke, that was a big, hard bottom. I hit bottom fast, by the grace of God, 25 years old, 19 years ago to this month. And

I picked up cocaine. transferred protectors, right? So for some reason, that relationship made me feel safe from some impermissible feeling, and that was how I was protecting myself. And then when I put that down, I picked up the Coke. And then when I picked up the Coke, that was a big, hard bottom. I hit bottom fast, by the grace of God, 25 years old, 19 years ago to this month. And

And when I got clean and sober, I took away the drink and the drug, but then I had all these other protectors that started to emerge, right? So workaholism and people-pleasing and controlling. So I had all these other protectors keeping me in place. And then about 10 years into my sober recovery and about six or seven books in and having this Being a teacher, I was 36 years old.

And when I got clean and sober, I took away the drink and the drug, but then I had all these other protectors that started to emerge, right? So workaholism and people-pleasing and controlling. So I had all these other protectors keeping me in place. And then about 10 years into my sober recovery and about six or seven books in and having this Being a teacher, I was 36 years old.

I was deep in my career. I had a dream. And in that dream, I remembered being sexually abused as a child. And all throughout my recovery of my sobriety, I was like, why did I use? I had a great childhood. Why did I use? I was dissociating and that is a protector as well. So the memory helped me really solidify the reason why

I was deep in my career. I had a dream. And in that dream, I remembered being sexually abused as a child. And all throughout my recovery of my sobriety, I was like, why did I use? I had a great childhood. Why did I use? I was dissociating and that is a protector as well. So the memory helped me really solidify the reason why

the inciting incident, the trauma that led me to, one of the traumas that led me to protect myself in these ways. And then as I continued to journey in my trauma recovery, I began to peel back the layers of the onion and recognize that these protectors were so, so, so extreme. And that even though they led to cocaine addiction or shameful love addiction or workaholism that burnt me out or

the inciting incident, the trauma that led me to, one of the traumas that led me to protect myself in these ways. And then as I continued to journey in my trauma recovery, I began to peel back the layers of the onion and recognize that these protectors were so, so, so extreme. And that even though they led to cocaine addiction or shameful love addiction or workaholism that burnt me out or

extreme controlling patterns that might have harmed other people emotionally, that I could have compassion for all of these parts of myself because they were working so, so hard to push down that impermissible feeling from my childhood and to hide it. And then when it emerged, I had no other choice but to face it.

extreme controlling patterns that might have harmed other people emotionally, that I could have compassion for all of these parts of myself because they were working so, so hard to push down that impermissible feeling from my childhood and to hide it. And then when it emerged, I had no other choice but to face it.

And so the past nine years, I've been really deep in my IFS work, my trauma recovery, and of course my spiritual development. And what I'm so proud of is that courage to do that. So just to define protectors from that place, there's different types of protectors, right? There's managers that are like gonna control everything to feel safe.

And so the past nine years, I've been really deep in my IFS work, my trauma recovery, and of course my spiritual development. And what I'm so proud of is that courage to do that. So just to define protectors from that place, there's different types of protectors, right? There's managers that are like gonna control everything to feel safe.

And a manager could also be a part of you that's kind of type A or a part of you that's like, you know, every time I feel triggered, I'm going to just rage at someone. But then when those managerial patterns stop working and there's a really big trigger,

And a manager could also be a part of you that's kind of type A or a part of you that's like, you know, every time I feel triggered, I'm going to just rage at someone. But then when those managerial patterns stop working and there's a really big trigger,

breakup or a family member shows back up in your life or something scary, we're going to turn to the other types of protectors, which is the firefighters. And the firefighters are the, when they're the putting out the fire, that's the addiction, that's the suicidal ideation, that's the dissociation like I had.

breakup or a family member shows back up in your life or something scary, we're going to turn to the other types of protectors, which is the firefighters. And the firefighters are the, when they're the putting out the fire, that's the addiction, that's the suicidal ideation, that's the dissociation like I had.

And so as you can see through my journey, I've had many moments of protectors becoming, you know, one's going to be pushed down by another, another one steps in and they're all kind of at odds with each other, these parts of myself, right?

And so as you can see through my journey, I've had many moments of protectors becoming, you know, one's going to be pushed down by another, another one steps in and they're all kind of at odds with each other, these parts of myself, right?

So I've got this shameful part that's judging the control freak because she was mean to her staff one day or, you know, the other part that's like, why are you so anxious? You're supposed to be a spiritual teacher, you know? And then, you know, all the while still doing great work in the world while having so much suffering.

So I've got this shameful part that's judging the control freak because she was mean to her staff one day or, you know, the other part that's like, why are you so anxious? You're supposed to be a spiritual teacher, you know? And then, you know, all the while still doing great work in the world while having so much suffering.

Those moments can be so extreme for us as young children that we don't actually have the inner capacity to process those deep experiences of shame or inadequacy or even terror. And so as little, little people, we start building protectors. And those protectors could be people-pleasing or trying to be seen.

Those moments can be so extreme for us as young children that we don't actually have the inner capacity to process those deep experiences of shame or inadequacy or even terror. And so as little, little people, we start building protectors. And those protectors could be people-pleasing or trying to be seen.

And so that's an important message to people is that you can still be in a transformational presence in the world even while you're going through your own work. I think that's important.

And so that's an important message to people is that you can still be in a transformational presence in the world even while you're going through your own work. I think that's important.

No, I think that we serve through our stories and our stories are what heal. And when we're sitting in the seat of wherever we are in that moment, that's when we are giving the gift. And so, listen, I've written 10 books in 14 years. And a lot of my controlling parts did those, wrote those books up until this most recent one. And

No, I think that we serve through our stories and our stories are what heal. And when we're sitting in the seat of wherever we are in that moment, that's when we are giving the gift. And so, listen, I've written 10 books in 14 years. And a lot of my controlling parts did those, wrote those books up until this most recent one. And

as much as that was controlling and writing a book on an airplane while I was on the book tour of the last book, it was an extreme way of living, but it was also creative and it was also in the service of others. It was also in the service of myself. I wrote these books for myself first. And so two things can be true.

as much as that was controlling and writing a book on an airplane while I was on the book tour of the last book, it was an extreme way of living, but it was also creative and it was also in the service of others. It was also in the service of myself. I wrote these books for myself first. And so two things can be true.

You can be going through deep suffering and doing extraordinary creative things in the world and healing things in the world. And I think most creatives would say that some of their real most healing work came from times of their own healing in the creative process.

You can be going through deep suffering and doing extraordinary creative things in the world and healing things in the world. And I think most creatives would say that some of their real most healing work came from times of their own healing in the creative process.

I have been on a particularly about 19 year journey now of unlearning the fear-based beliefs that create the somatic experience of that kind of suffering. And then of course, through unlearning the belief systems, healing the somatic experience and coming through the other side to know what mental freedom feels like. And of course, then physical freedom as well, because

I have been on a particularly about 19 year journey now of unlearning the fear-based beliefs that create the somatic experience of that kind of suffering. And then of course, through unlearning the belief systems, healing the somatic experience and coming through the other side to know what mental freedom feels like. And of course, then physical freedom as well, because

It's not release of tension, just for semantic sake, for what we're saying here with IFS, it's release of tension from the exiled feeling. So we've got this extreme childhood, extreme feeling that we'd never want to, we lock it up. We're like, go in the basement, bye. And then we have these protection mechanisms to block it.

It's not release of tension, just for semantic sake, for what we're saying here with IFS, it's release of tension from the exiled feeling. So we've got this extreme childhood, extreme feeling that we'd never want to, we lock it up. We're like, go in the basement, bye. And then we have these protection mechanisms to block it.

And when those are not really working, we go to addiction would be a very extreme one. And the addiction would say, I got to put the fire out. I don't want to feel that anymore. I'm going to numb that out.

And when those are not really working, we go to addiction would be a very extreme one. And the addiction would say, I got to put the fire out. I don't want to feel that anymore. I'm going to numb that out.

That's a really nice question. When I was writing this book, I was- Which, by the way, self-help. Self-help. This is your chance to change your life.

That's a really nice question. When I was writing this book, I was- Which, by the way, self-help. Self-help. This is your chance to change your life.

Aptly named. And when I was writing self-help, I also had the privilege of being a fellow at a recovery center. And so every month I would go and I would give talks at this recovery center. And each month there would be a new group of 100 or 150 addicts that would enter because it was like a 21-day program. and there would be a new group of people coming through.

Aptly named. And when I was writing self-help, I also had the privilege of being a fellow at a recovery center. And so every month I would go and I would give talks at this recovery center. And each month there would be a new group of 100 or 150 addicts that would enter because it was like a 21-day program. and there would be a new group of people coming through.

And so they'd oftentimes be a day or two days clean and sober. Maybe I'd meet them in their first week of sobriety. And the rooms were just filled with shame and blame and detox, and you'd walk in. And this was the work that I was workshopping with them because I often would workshop whatever I was writing at the time because it's on my mind.

And so they'd oftentimes be a day or two days clean and sober. Maybe I'd meet them in their first week of sobriety. And the rooms were just filled with shame and blame and detox, and you'd walk in. And this was the work that I was workshopping with them because I often would workshop whatever I was writing at the time because it's on my mind.

And I'd enter these rooms and I would open up with something pretty bold and a little bit risky, but I felt like I had enough self-presence to do this with them. And I would say, first and foremost, I am you. I know you. I recognize myself in you. And I would make that connection. And then I would invite them to share openly or just raise their hand or just get honest with themselves.

And I'd enter these rooms and I would open up with something pretty bold and a little bit risky, but I felt like I had enough self-presence to do this with them. And I would say, first and foremost, I am you. I know you. I recognize myself in you. And I would make that connection. And then I would invite them to share openly or just raise their hand or just get honest with themselves.

And I'd say, how many people in this room have experienced some kind of adverse trauma as a child? And everybody in the room would raise their hand. And then I would ask them to really recognize that for a moment. And then I would say to them, well, that's really difficult stuff to ever have to face. And so wouldn't it make sense that we would do whatever it takes to put out that fire?

And I'd say, how many people in this room have experienced some kind of adverse trauma as a child? And everybody in the room would raise their hand. And then I would ask them to really recognize that for a moment. And then I would say to them, well, that's really difficult stuff to ever have to face. And so wouldn't it make sense that we would do whatever it takes to put out that fire?

Wouldn't it make sense that we would go to all lengths to not have to feel that? And everyone would sort of nod their head and be like, yeah, that makes sense. Like I would have to just put that out. And then I said, well, if we were going to any length to put out that fire, wouldn't And that led us to addiction.

Wouldn't it make sense that we would go to all lengths to not have to feel that? And everyone would sort of nod their head and be like, yeah, that makes sense. Like I would have to just put that out. And then I said, well, if we were going to any length to put out that fire, wouldn't And that led us to addiction.

Can you have a little, possibly open your mind now to see that addiction as something that was trying to protect you? And half the room would be like, no, my addiction is terrible. I'm a piece of shit. And that's where they are. I mean, to ask them to see it differently in that moment might be too extreme.

Can you have a little, possibly open your mind now to see that addiction as something that was trying to protect you? And half the room would be like, no, my addiction is terrible. I'm a piece of shit. And that's where they are. I mean, to ask them to see it differently in that moment might be too extreme.

But I'd see the other half of the room and they'd be like, for a second, a split second, yeah, maybe I've been using to numb this thing out. And I'm not actually a horrible person. I'm just a wounded person who's been trying to put out the flames. And as the hour would go on, we might be able to get a little bit more and more connected to that addiction.

But I'd see the other half of the room and they'd be like, for a second, a split second, yeah, maybe I've been using to numb this thing out. And I'm not actually a horrible person. I'm just a wounded person who's been trying to put out the flames. And as the hour would go on, we might be able to get a little bit more and more connected to that addiction.

And so I think that if any addicts are listening or people who are loved ones of addicts, we all have our own forms of addiction. If you can even just simply reframe it for a moment and say, oh, you know, every time I go to the sugar, I'm going there because, you know, I'm triggered by something or there might be something underneath that. I mean, I'm curious.

And so I think that if any addicts are listening or people who are loved ones of addicts, we all have our own forms of addiction. If you can even just simply reframe it for a moment and say, oh, you know, every time I go to the sugar, I'm going there because, you know, I'm triggered by something or there might be something underneath that. I mean, I'm curious.

Or maybe you have more awareness and you know that you're drinking over your childhood wounds. And you could say, well, I have a lot of compassion for myself when I pick up a drink. That's an opening. These are openings to start to open up a new perspective of the why behind the pattern.

Or maybe you have more awareness and you know that you're drinking over your childhood wounds. And you could say, well, I have a lot of compassion for myself when I pick up a drink. That's an opening. These are openings to start to open up a new perspective of the why behind the pattern.

once I have become settled now in my own inner system, my nervous system has settled and my body has settled and my digestion has settled and my physical ailments have settled. And so I'm living the goal of where I've been trying to get to.

once I have become settled now in my own inner system, my nervous system has settled and my body has settled and my digestion has settled and my physical ailments have settled. And so I'm living the goal of where I've been trying to get to.

Yeah, I'm grateful that you asked because in fact, I'll just take you through the steps because the four steps, it's called a four-step check-in in the self-help book. And the four steps are designed to help you become... curious and compassionate and connected to the part of you. So let's say that something may activate me in the moment. Maybe my husband says something and it super triggers me.

Yeah, I'm grateful that you asked because in fact, I'll just take you through the steps because the four steps, it's called a four-step check-in in the self-help book. And the four steps are designed to help you become... curious and compassionate and connected to the part of you. So let's say that something may activate me in the moment. Maybe my husband says something and it super triggers me.

And I have enough awareness now to say, okay, you know what, Zach, I'm going to separate myself for a moment. Let me just step away because this is going to get ugly if I don't. Because I have a part that I call knives out. And when my husband triggers that part, knives are fucking out, man, okay? So I might say, okay, knives out, it's about to step in, so I'm going to step aside, right?

And I have enough awareness now to say, okay, you know what, Zach, I'm going to separate myself for a moment. Let me just step away because this is going to get ugly if I don't. Because I have a part that I call knives out. And when my husband triggers that part, knives are fucking out, man, okay? So I might say, okay, knives out, it's about to step in, so I'm going to step aside, right?

So then I have enough awareness. Now, most of the time, we don't have that. And for many, many years, I haven't. But I've done enough of this work now that it's in my system. I can see, oh, I'm not going to a good place. Let me step away. So I could step away and I could do the four-step check-in process. And so the first step would be to choose to check in.

So then I have enough awareness. Now, most of the time, we don't have that. And for many, many years, I haven't. But I've done enough of this work now that it's in my system. I can see, oh, I'm not going to a good place. Let me step away. So I could step away and I could do the four-step check-in process. And so the first step would be to choose to check in.

And that choice began by separating myself. And the choice to check in is instead of checking out by knives out, losing my shit on him, just projecting and- Unconsciously reacting. Unconsciously reacting, becoming so blended with the reaction, becoming so righteous in the reaction to a very dark place, which could affect our six-year-old and affect him and affect the bond that we have.

And that choice began by separating myself. And the choice to check in is instead of checking out by knives out, losing my shit on him, just projecting and- Unconsciously reacting. Unconsciously reacting, becoming so blended with the reaction, becoming so righteous in the reaction to a very dark place, which could affect our six-year-old and affect him and affect the bond that we have.

So instead of going into knives out, I can choose to check inside instead of check out. That's step one. And that's when you focus your attention inward.

So instead of going into knives out, I can choose to check inside instead of check out. That's step one. And that's when you focus your attention inward.

Exactly. Yes.

Exactly. Yes.

Yeah. And in fact, there's even, we can come back to this. Let's put this on the shelf. There's a chapter in the book about prayer and how that could even be the first step before the first step, right? So we can get to sort of how you get to step one. That's like a whole other topic. I love that you brought that up.

Yeah. And in fact, there's even, we can come back to this. Let's put this on the shelf. There's a chapter in the book about prayer and how that could even be the first step before the first step, right? So we can get to sort of how you get to step one. That's like a whole other topic. I love that you brought that up.

Most of the time you're not going to have the awareness. That's why I want the reader to start to do this with small things, right? So let's keep it more simple for someone that's having their own experience. Like Maybe they're at work and their boss says something a little bit sideways and it makes them a little triggered.

Most of the time you're not going to have the awareness. That's why I want the reader to start to do this with small things, right? So let's keep it more simple for someone that's having their own experience. Like Maybe they're at work and their boss says something a little bit sideways and it makes them a little triggered.

And they're like, I could go off and be mad about this all day or I could choose to check in. Okay, Gabby Bernstein wrote this book. I'm going to follow the book. I'm going to choose to check in. Go to the bathroom, you choose to check in.

And they're like, I could go off and be mad about this all day or I could choose to check in. Okay, Gabby Bernstein wrote this book. I'm going to follow the book. I'm going to choose to check in. Go to the bathroom, you choose to check in.

Right.

Right.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Let's have a whole conversation just on that, okay? Because that's a whole other level, and I'm excited about this. So step one is choose to check in, assuming we have the space, assuming the stimulus and the space was enough. And we then would do step two, which is to become curious about that part of us that's up. So in the case of Knives Out, you know, Knives Out's trying to come through.

Let's have a whole conversation just on that, okay? Because that's a whole other level, and I'm excited about this. So step one is choose to check in, assuming we have the space, assuming the stimulus and the space was enough. And we then would do step two, which is to become curious about that part of us that's up. So in the case of Knives Out, you know, Knives Out's trying to come through.

It is exciting. I'm in the there there.

It is exciting. I'm in the there there.

I'm gonna choose to check in and I become curious. Okay, where does it live in my body? It's in my chest, like always in my chest, like rageful. It's in my jaws clenching. My fists will sometimes even go like this when Knives Out is there. Like I can physically take on the physicality of that part. And I could ask that part, what do I know about you? How long have you been around?

I'm gonna choose to check in and I become curious. Okay, where does it live in my body? It's in my chest, like always in my chest, like rageful. It's in my jaws clenching. My fists will sometimes even go like this when Knives Out is there. Like I can physically take on the physicality of that part. And I could ask that part, what do I know about you? How long have you been around?

And it's gonna be like forever, Gabby, we've been here forever. And then I'm gonna ask the part, what else do you want me to know? Are there any images or sensations? And then I see myself as a little girl and it comes to my mind and I see myself just screaming and screaming because my pigtails aren't straight and I just need to control everything and I just need to feel safe and feel in control.

And it's gonna be like forever, Gabby, we've been here forever. And then I'm gonna ask the part, what else do you want me to know? Are there any images or sensations? And then I see myself as a little girl and it comes to my mind and I see myself just screaming and screaming because my pigtails aren't straight and I just need to control everything and I just need to feel safe and feel in control.

And so I get a little bit more information. I just keep sourcing this information about this part. And as soon as I feel slightly connected to the part with the images and the feelings and the sensations, the third step is to compassionately connect. And that's when you'd ask that part of yourself, what do you need?

And so I get a little bit more information. I just keep sourcing this information about this part. And as soon as I feel slightly connected to the part with the images and the feelings and the sensations, the third step is to compassionately connect. And that's when you'd ask that part of yourself, what do you need?

And in asking what do you need, these parts are going to reveal the most beautiful responses. They'll say things like, I need to rest. I need to play. I need to ask for support. I need to speak up. I need to be heard. And that inquiry alone offers these young parts, the little parts, they're young, such awareness and presence. And then the fourth step is to check for the C qualities of self.

And in asking what do you need, these parts are going to reveal the most beautiful responses. They'll say things like, I need to rest. I need to play. I need to ask for support. I need to speak up. I need to be heard. And that inquiry alone offers these young parts, the little parts, they're young, such awareness and presence. And then the fourth step is to check for the C qualities of self.

And the reason that you want to check is you want to see like, oh, like, how am I feeling better now? And so you would check back in with your system and you'd say, okay, Am I feeling a little bit more calm? Do I feel connected to the part? Do I feel a little bit more compassionate towards myself or the other? Do I have courage to speak up? Do I have a connection, confidence, creativity?

And the reason that you want to check is you want to see like, oh, like, how am I feeling better now? And so you would check back in with your system and you'd say, okay, Am I feeling a little bit more calm? Do I feel connected to the part? Do I feel a little bit more compassionate towards myself or the other? Do I have courage to speak up? Do I have a connection, confidence, creativity?

And you just start going down that list of those eight C's and you see if you have any presence of that self-quality inside of you. And typically, if you're doing this often, self will continue to emerge more and more and more. And the beauty is that now you have a tool that whenever you think you're going to check out, you can check in.

And you just start going down that list of those eight C's and you see if you have any presence of that self-quality inside of you. And typically, if you're doing this often, self will continue to emerge more and more and more. And the beauty is that now you have a tool that whenever you think you're going to check out, you can check in.

And every time you check in, you expand your connection to self. And as you start to expand that connection to self, you have more and more trust in self. And the more you trust in self, the less extreme you are. And the more you know where to turn. And the more empowered you feel because you're not trying so hard to stay alive. You actually know there's safety inside. And self can help.

And every time you check in, you expand your connection to self. And as you start to expand that connection to self, you have more and more trust in self. And the more you trust in self, the less extreme you are. And the more you know where to turn. And the more empowered you feel because you're not trying so hard to stay alive. You actually know there's safety inside. And self can help.

Well, then choose to check in with it. Yeah. Choose to check in. Step one.

Well, then choose to check in with it. Yeah. Choose to check in. Step one.

Yeah, so compassionately connect and say, what do you need? What do you need?

Yeah, so compassionately connect and say, what do you need? What do you need?

Yeah. And what I want to point out is that the four steps, and this is why this isn't IFS, this is IFS-informed self-help, to be really clear. IFS would be a similar inquiry inside, but it's guided by a therapist and it's teasing out. It's a much more in-depth process and it's a many differences. What I'm using here are self-like qualities to apply towards your inner condition.

Yeah. And what I want to point out is that the four steps, and this is why this isn't IFS, this is IFS-informed self-help, to be really clear. IFS would be a similar inquiry inside, but it's guided by a therapist and it's teasing out. It's a much more in-depth process and it's a many differences. What I'm using here are self-like qualities to apply towards your inner condition.

And so you lean on these self-like qualities, which is the choice to check in, and the curiosity to inquire about who this part is, and the compassionate connection of asking, what do you need? And then the checking for the C qualities. So it's

And so you lean on these self-like qualities, which is the choice to check in, and the curiosity to inquire about who this part is, and the compassionate connection of asking, what do you need? And then the checking for the C qualities. So it's

Leaning on these qualities of self to guide you through this four-step process allows that energy of calmness and connection and curiosity to emerge naturally.

Leaning on these qualities of self to guide you through this four-step process allows that energy of calmness and connection and curiosity to emerge naturally.

If you got all eight, then you're right.

If you got all eight, then you're right.

You know, it's funny. I've been noticing even in myself, I'm such a fixer. I have a fixer part, right? Because I just have such a knowing that these things can help. And I'm always wanting to sort of be like, even if my husband has indigestion or something, I'm like, try this supplement. I'm a fixer. I want to give solutions. And that's not what people always want. And that's not what parts want.

You know, it's funny. I've been noticing even in myself, I'm such a fixer. I have a fixer part, right? Because I just have such a knowing that these things can help. And I'm always wanting to sort of be like, even if my husband has indigestion or something, I'm like, try this supplement. I'm a fixer. I want to give solutions. And that's not what people always want. And that's not what parts want.

You know, parts want to be seen and they want curiosity. And I mentor a young woman and she'll call me and she has a very huge career. And she'll call me and she'll say this and she'll say that. And I'll immediately go into like, well, let's fix this because you've got a tour. I'll just be like, fix, fix, fix, right? And I noticed the other day when she called me, I said, Gabby, just be curious.

You know, parts want to be seen and they want curiosity. And I mentor a young woman and she'll call me and she has a very huge career. And she'll call me and she'll say this and she'll say that. And I'll immediately go into like, well, let's fix this because you've got a tour. I'll just be like, fix, fix, fix, right? And I noticed the other day when she called me, I said, Gabby, just be curious.

And so instead of going into like pouncing on these parts, I would say, well, how do you feel about that? Or what is that wanting you to know? Or is there something that you think is being revealed here? And I could see how much more beneficial I could be to support her in that seat of curiosity rather than the seat of trying to fix.

And so instead of going into like pouncing on these parts, I would say, well, how do you feel about that? Or what is that wanting you to know? Or is there something that you think is being revealed here? And I could see how much more beneficial I could be to support her in that seat of curiosity rather than the seat of trying to fix.

And so imagine, and that little kids too, like if you've ever been around a child and my son is six years old, if I try to just be like, do this, do that, he's like, screw you. But if I ask him, Well, how do you feel about that? Or what is it that you need right now? Then that curiosity creates space for his truth to come forward.

And so imagine, and that little kids too, like if you've ever been around a child and my son is six years old, if I try to just be like, do this, do that, he's like, screw you. But if I ask him, Well, how do you feel about that? Or what is it that you need right now? Then that curiosity creates space for his truth to come forward.

And the thing is, is that it's sometimes easy for us to do that with others, but we never would consider doing that with ourselves. All day long, we're going to say, you know, shame or blame ourselves for having these patterns or try to fix things really fast, but instead offering that curiosity.

And the thing is, is that it's sometimes easy for us to do that with others, but we never would consider doing that with ourselves. All day long, we're going to say, you know, shame or blame ourselves for having these patterns or try to fix things really fast, but instead offering that curiosity.

IFS is internal family systems therapy. It has nothing to do with your outside family. It has to do with an inner family of parts of who you are. IFS was invented by my very dear friend and mentor and brother, truly like a brother, is Dr. Richard Schwartz. He invented this therapy sort of by accident, truly. He was a family therapist. And so systems, family systems was his model.

IFS is internal family systems therapy. It has nothing to do with your outside family. It has to do with an inner family of parts of who you are. IFS was invented by my very dear friend and mentor and brother, truly like a brother, is Dr. Richard Schwartz. He invented this therapy sort of by accident, truly. He was a family therapist. And so systems, family systems was his model.

Just to be heard.

Just to be heard.

You know, my husband will ask me, it's really helpful. He'll say, do you want my advice or do you want me to listen? And that's great because sometimes I want his advice. Sometimes I just want him to listen. It's so great.

You know, my husband will ask me, it's really helpful. He'll say, do you want my advice or do you want me to listen? And that's great because sometimes I want his advice. Sometimes I just want him to listen. It's so great.

Well, in the book and in my work, I don't touch exiles. I want you to know that they're there and I want you to understand that the protectors are protecting the exiles. But the reason I don't want to go to the exiles is the traumatized parts.

Well, in the book and in my work, I don't touch exiles. I want you to know that they're there and I want you to understand that the protectors are protecting the exiles. But the reason I don't want to go to the exiles is the traumatized parts.

They're the little traumatized children or the experiences that were so impermissible, that were so scary, so shameful, so fearful, so traumatizing that we live our whole lives trying to avoid them and to protect against them. And the reason I don't want to touch them is because I want to teach people how to relate to the protectors.

They're the little traumatized children or the experiences that were so impermissible, that were so scary, so shameful, so fearful, so traumatizing that we live our whole lives trying to avoid them and to protect against them. And the reason I don't want to touch them is because I want to teach people how to relate to the protectors.

And as the protectors begin to relax, they become a little bit more and more curious about the exiles. And that might guide them to IFS therapy or to another form of therapy where they can do one-on-one work with a trauma therapist or someone who specializes there. Because it's very frightening when people are in the world, like self-help people that aren't licensed and don't have the

And as the protectors begin to relax, they become a little bit more and more curious about the exiles. And that might guide them to IFS therapy or to another form of therapy where they can do one-on-one work with a trauma therapist or someone who specializes there. Because it's very frightening when people are in the world, like self-help people that aren't licensed and don't have the

ability to handle or hold the space that are like, I'm a trauma person, or let's rip off the bandaid. Like you better run the other fucking way if somebody says that to you, because these parts are being hidden for a reason. It's like a pressure cooker. If you just turned off, if you just started to open the pressure cooker, it would explode. We don't want to explode.

ability to handle or hold the space that are like, I'm a trauma person, or let's rip off the bandaid. Like you better run the other fucking way if somebody says that to you, because these parts are being hidden for a reason. It's like a pressure cooker. If you just turned off, if you just started to open the pressure cooker, it would explode. We don't want to explode.

There's protection mechanisms that are doing a really good job keeping the big feelings And we just want to calm these protection mechanisms. And as they start to calm and we build up more self, we become safer inside and that safety, then we have more presence to bring to the exiles. So the exiles, they need our support, but I recommend IFS therapy for that.

There's protection mechanisms that are doing a really good job keeping the big feelings And we just want to calm these protection mechanisms. And as they start to calm and we build up more self, we become safer inside and that safety, then we have more presence to bring to the exiles. So the exiles, they need our support, but I recommend IFS therapy for that.

Yeah, if you have an exile and you just try to go into it or you go do like some kind of journey or something and your trauma just emerges and then you come out of it and you're like, I'm living in it, you become blended in it again. When I remembered my trauma from my childhood, for many months, I was living in the little girl. I was so blended with that girl.

Yeah, if you have an exile and you just try to go into it or you go do like some kind of journey or something and your trauma just emerges and then you come out of it and you're like, I'm living in it, you become blended in it again. When I remembered my trauma from my childhood, for many months, I was living in the little girl. I was so blended with that girl.

And in working with women who were, he had a period of time where he was working with women who were struggling with eating disorders and binging. And they would speak in session about these parts of themselves that would take over. That part of me takes over when I want to binge or a part of me takes over when I want to self-harm. A part of me takes over when I am self-loathing.

And in working with women who were, he had a period of time where he was working with women who were struggling with eating disorders and binging. And they would speak in session about these parts of themselves that would take over. That part of me takes over when I want to binge or a part of me takes over when I want to self-harm. A part of me takes over when I am self-loathing.

And thankfully I had all the resources and the therapy. And listen, not everybody's gonna be able to have access to a therapist. And thankfully there's more services these days that make it more affordable. But not everyone's going to have that access, and this book may be all they have. And so still the suggestion would be just begin by doing the inquiry with these protectors.

And thankfully I had all the resources and the therapy. And listen, not everybody's gonna be able to have access to a therapist. And thankfully there's more services these days that make it more affordable. But not everyone's going to have that access, and this book may be all they have. And so still the suggestion would be just begin by doing the inquiry with these protectors.

Don't go straight to the exile because the exile is a little scared. It's not even a little scared. It's terrified. And we want to not rip off that Band-Aid.

Don't go straight to the exile because the exile is a little scared. It's not even a little scared. It's terrified. And we want to not rip off that Band-Aid.

Well, the good news is that we're not trying to get rid of parts. We're just trying to calm them down. So for instance, my controller wrote 10 books in 14 years. We don't want to stop her. She's going right now after I leave you to go write another book at a commune. I'm going to go spend two days finishing a book, right? As I'm launching this one. And that's because there's inspiration.

Well, the good news is that we're not trying to get rid of parts. We're just trying to calm them down. So for instance, my controller wrote 10 books in 14 years. We don't want to stop her. She's going right now after I leave you to go write another book at a commune. I'm going to go spend two days finishing a book, right? As I'm launching this one. And that's because there's inspiration.

That's because there's joy. That's because... I have the space inside of me. I'm a medium. I'm channeling this material. It's coming through me. I have to allow it. So it's beautiful. And had that been me writing a book five years ago, I would have felt like I have to get on the plane and get that book done or get to the next place to finish it. I have a deadline.

That's because there's joy. That's because... I have the space inside of me. I'm a medium. I'm channeling this material. It's coming through me. I have to allow it. So it's beautiful. And had that been me writing a book five years ago, I would have felt like I have to get on the plane and get that book done or get to the next place to finish it. I have a deadline.

Right now, I'm like, I've got two days and and space. I'm going to go take those two days and I'm going to hide in a little cabin and drink nice coffee and going to channel a book. And so that is really different. So the controller needs to still be in my life because she has a lot of things she has to do, right? My controller part was in Phoenix yesterday giving a talk.

Right now, I'm like, I've got two days and and space. I'm going to go take those two days and I'm going to hide in a little cabin and drink nice coffee and going to channel a book. And so that is really different. So the controller needs to still be in my life because she has a lot of things she has to do, right? My controller part was in Phoenix yesterday giving a talk.

She's had nine podcasts in LA. She's writing a book this weekend and then she's going to Denver on Monday to give another talk. And then she's going to go home and have Halloween with her son. So she's got to be sort of in control, right? But she doesn't have to do it in such an extreme way. She's not burnt out anymore. She's not so controlling that she's so unpleasant to be with.

She's had nine podcasts in LA. She's writing a book this weekend and then she's going to Denver on Monday to give another talk. And then she's going to go home and have Halloween with her son. So she's got to be sort of in control, right? But she doesn't have to do it in such an extreme way. She's not burnt out anymore. She's not so controlling that she's so unpleasant to be with.

She's not so controlling that she's projecting onto the future and making other people around her crazy. She's in a place where the part, the controlling part, I call it a she. My parts are women, female. And they can have different genders, mine are female. where that part of me is so settled now that she can do the great work. She's not stopping anytime soon. She'll be working until she's 100.

She's not so controlling that she's projecting onto the future and making other people around her crazy. She's in a place where the part, the controlling part, I call it a she. My parts are women, female. And they can have different genders, mine are female. where that part of me is so settled now that she can do the great work. She's not stopping anytime soon. She'll be working until she's 100.

And then at times they might talk a little bit about this other part of themselves that feels really compassionate towards these behaviors or part of themselves that at times could feel calmer or feel more connected. And he'd ask them, well, what's that part of you? And they would say, that's myself. That's just self.

And then at times they might talk a little bit about this other part of themselves that feels really compassionate towards these behaviors or part of themselves that at times could feel calmer or feel more connected. And he'd ask them, well, what's that part of you? And they would say, that's myself. That's just self.

And she can do the great work in a less extreme way. But I don't want her to go away because I got things to do in this lifetime. If she just disappeared, I'd be sleeping, right?

And she can do the great work in a less extreme way. But I don't want her to go away because I got things to do in this lifetime. If she just disappeared, I'd be sleeping, right?

I can rename that. Like she's not a controller. Now she's just like an untethered force of light.

I can rename that. Like she's not a controller. Now she's just like an untethered force of light.

Well, the controller part that wrote 10 books in 14 years, I didn't try to make that part

Well, the controller part that wrote 10 books in 14 years, I didn't try to make that part

shamed and blamed I helped it calm down and so I can rename it like I said now it's an untethered force of light and she's you know creating in a really cool space or instead of the controller I could maybe call her like the badass you know get stuff done with joy kind of thing you know whatever you want to rename it I don't care But that essence is still part of me. I can get a lot done.

shamed and blamed I helped it calm down and so I can rename it like I said now it's an untethered force of light and she's you know creating in a really cool space or instead of the controller I could maybe call her like the badass you know get stuff done with joy kind of thing you know whatever you want to rename it I don't care But that essence is still part of me. I can get a lot done.

I can expand time. I can be a boss. I can run a team. I can be a mom. I can travel. I can come to you and the next hour be working and writing. I can also rest. But I can do it in a less extreme way now. So the part has... grown up. The part has emerged. The part has had a chrysalis, truly. And so it's not saying that we stop these parts, right?

I can expand time. I can be a boss. I can run a team. I can be a mom. I can travel. I can come to you and the next hour be working and writing. I can also rest. But I can do it in a less extreme way now. So the part has... grown up. The part has emerged. The part has had a chrysalis, truly. And so it's not saying that we stop these parts, right?

Like my addict part is no longer active inside of me. And now I can see that part as like finding this like extreme joy in things instead of extreme, you know, checking out, right? So I think that that's important, though. It's important to identify that these parts of us don't need to go away. They're not bad. They have to just be unburdened.

Like my addict part is no longer active inside of me. And now I can see that part as like finding this like extreme joy in things instead of extreme, you know, checking out, right? So I think that that's important, though. It's important to identify that these parts of us don't need to go away. They're not bad. They have to just be unburdened.

And what Dick realized was that the same way there's patterns and dynamics and triggers and family relationships, the same was happening to all these parts inside these patients. Recognizing that we are not one mono human.

And what Dick realized was that the same way there's patterns and dynamics and triggers and family relationships, the same was happening to all these parts inside these patients. Recognizing that we are not one mono human.

Absolutely. I mean, I'm so proud and grateful for these extreme parts of myself because they've done good work in the world and they've got me to where I am today and they've brought me to my knees so that I could heal and There's only love and connection to these parts of myself. And I'm so grateful that they had a presence in my life and that they have now become more safe.

Absolutely. I mean, I'm so proud and grateful for these extreme parts of myself because they've done good work in the world and they've got me to where I am today and they've brought me to my knees so that I could heal and There's only love and connection to these parts of myself. And I'm so grateful that they had a presence in my life and that they have now become more safe.

And I'm not in any way saying that I don't have extreme parts anymore. I'm just saying that I have a new way of relating to them. And that it's really very, a lot of this freedom inside is very new for me also, like really even like a few weeks new. I've even noticed in my marriage, just like having that space to step away and to just witness.

And I'm not in any way saying that I don't have extreme parts anymore. I'm just saying that I have a new way of relating to them. And that it's really very, a lot of this freedom inside is very new for me also, like really even like a few weeks new. I've even noticed in my marriage, just like having that space to step away and to just witness.

And we have to come back to the space between the stimulus and the response, right? Most people may not have the space to even slightly adjust from being triggered and going into the protection mechanism, to the protector part. So that's why I'm going to say when you first start this book, do it with the parts that's around all the time that you have enough awareness of.

And we have to come back to the space between the stimulus and the response, right? Most people may not have the space to even slightly adjust from being triggered and going into the protection mechanism, to the protector part. So that's why I'm going to say when you first start this book, do it with the parts that's around all the time that you have enough awareness of.

Like anxiety is a good one. Like checking in with your anxiety. You know what you can voice. Oh, I'm anxious right now. And so there's a whole chapter in the book called Anxious Parts. And so you can just, the next time you notice that your anxiety is really taking over and you're willing to do whatever it takes, read that chapter and check in with your anxious part and give it attention.

Like anxiety is a good one. Like checking in with your anxiety. You know what you can voice. Oh, I'm anxious right now. And so there's a whole chapter in the book called Anxious Parts. And so you can just, the next time you notice that your anxiety is really taking over and you're willing to do whatever it takes, read that chapter and check in with your anxious part and give it attention.

Totally, totally.

Totally, totally.

Totally. Because what we often try to do with these extreme patterns or these feelings is we try to push them down or numb them out or avoid them or shame them. And instead, what if we just looked at the part and said, oh, I see you anxiety. I know that you're there. Maybe we can choose to check in with you. What you're doing also is you're recognizing that it's not who you are.

Totally. Because what we often try to do with these extreme patterns or these feelings is we try to push them down or numb them out or avoid them or shame them. And instead, what if we just looked at the part and said, oh, I see you anxiety. I know that you're there. Maybe we can choose to check in with you. What you're doing also is you're recognizing that it's not who you are.

We are having an experience of many different parts of ourselves inside, often protection mechanisms and a lot of extreme patterns and behaviors that have been there for most of our life. You often check in with these parts of yourself and say, how long have you been around? That's like forever, you know?

We are having an experience of many different parts of ourselves inside, often protection mechanisms and a lot of extreme patterns and behaviors that have been there for most of our life. You often check in with these parts of yourself and say, how long have you been around? That's like forever, you know?

It's just a part of who you are.

It's just a part of who you are.

And so through the practice of IFS, we dismantle, calm, and settle the protectors so that self can emerge. You're recognizing that it's not who you are, it's just a part of who you are. And now here's a four-step practice to do it. The beauty is that now you have a tool that whenever you think you're going to check out, you can check in.

And so through the practice of IFS, we dismantle, calm, and settle the protectors so that self can emerge. You're recognizing that it's not who you are, it's just a part of who you are. And now here's a four-step practice to do it. The beauty is that now you have a tool that whenever you think you're going to check out, you can check in.

Beautiful. Yeah. I think that the pretenses that we place upon ourselves are also protectors. And the journey of healing spiritually and therapeutically is a journey of undoing the false pretenses that we've placed upon ourselves and returning to who we really are.

Beautiful. Yeah. I think that the pretenses that we place upon ourselves are also protectors. And the journey of healing spiritually and therapeutically is a journey of undoing the false pretenses that we've placed upon ourselves and returning to who we really are.

Even just noticing that space and just seeing it for a moment is a huge win.

Even just noticing that space and just seeing it for a moment is a huge win.

That's the whole point of this check-in process. Because the more you check in, the less you check out, the more space you create. And then the easier it is, like any habit, to choose to check in instead of check out.

That's the whole point of this check-in process. Because the more you check in, the less you check out, the more space you create. And then the easier it is, like any habit, to choose to check in instead of check out.

And it allows you to look at the difficult, extreme parts of yourself and say, okay, what do we have to learn? What do you want me to know? We got some work to do. This is a great opportunity. Listen, they don't call it self-help or nothing, right? It's self-help. It's having the courage and the bravery to say, I see that there's something that's happening inside and I want to take a look at it.

And it allows you to look at the difficult, extreme parts of yourself and say, okay, what do we have to learn? What do you want me to know? We got some work to do. This is a great opportunity. Listen, they don't call it self-help or nothing, right? It's self-help. It's having the courage and the bravery to say, I see that there's something that's happening inside and I want to take a look at it.

And if you've ever said to yourself, you know, a part of me gets really triggered when my girlfriend does this, or a part of me gets really triggered when I don't have that job opportunity or whatever it might be. We are actually speaking for almost like a subpersonality, right? And so to keep this very simple, because that's my gift.

And if you've ever said to yourself, you know, a part of me gets really triggered when my girlfriend does this, or a part of me gets really triggered when I don't have that job opportunity or whatever it might be. We are actually speaking for almost like a subpersonality, right? And so to keep this very simple, because that's my gift.

And now here's a four-step practice to do it.

And now here's a four-step practice to do it.

Well, I like what you said. There's this beautiful concept in IFS of getting into relationship with the part. And the more that we can get into a relationship with these parts of ourselves, we can stop blaming them and we can just keep connecting to them.

Well, I like what you said. There's this beautiful concept in IFS of getting into relationship with the part. And the more that we can get into a relationship with these parts of ourselves, we can stop blaming them and we can just keep connecting to them.

And that's the greatest relationships you'll ever have because you're looking at yourself every day and you're like, okay, I've got this world of little children inside of me and they need my attention and I can relate to them because I've got a tool and a practice to do that. And it becomes safer and safer and safer to do it. It's really beautiful.

And that's the greatest relationships you'll ever have because you're looking at yourself every day and you're like, okay, I've got this world of little children inside of me and they need my attention and I can relate to them because I've got a tool and a practice to do that. And it becomes safer and safer and safer to do it. It's really beautiful.

Yeah, I mean, there's a big part of me that's been lingering for a long time and only in the last maybe five days since it started to really settle. Okay, it's fresh here, fresh material. It's this part that's been around forever and its voice is saying, if I don't do it, nobody else will.

Yeah, I mean, there's a big part of me that's been lingering for a long time and only in the last maybe five days since it started to really settle. Okay, it's fresh here, fresh material. It's this part that's been around forever and its voice is saying, if I don't do it, nobody else will.

And I've been working with her for many years and I've had some big breakthroughs with her recently in my IFS therapy and on my own. And in that, I've also become a different point of attraction and having those breakthroughs. And so in that new state of my energy, I was able to actually start attracting some new talent to my team and people that I really trusted.

And I've been working with her for many years and I've had some big breakthroughs with her recently in my IFS therapy and on my own. And in that, I've also become a different point of attraction and having those breakthroughs. And so in that new state of my energy, I was able to actually start attracting some new talent to my team and people that I really trusted.

And, you know, people like Josh, who's in the room with us right now. And for the first time, a VP of marketing, who I feel really confident about and just feel like I can hand things off to him. And I wouldn't have been able to attract that kind of person into my life if I hadn't done the work to undo that belief.

And, you know, people like Josh, who's in the room with us right now. And for the first time, a VP of marketing, who I feel really confident about and just feel like I can hand things off to him. And I wouldn't have been able to attract that kind of person into my life if I hadn't done the work to undo that belief.

And to speak for that part, you know, to even say to my team, you know, I know I'm being a little controlling right now, but It's just that part of me that still believes this dot, dot, dot. Thank you for your patience. And the part in this moment

And to speak for that part, you know, to even say to my team, you know, I know I'm being a little controlling right now, but It's just that part of me that still believes this dot, dot, dot. Thank you for your patience. And the part in this moment

feels really steady and she still gets triggered when something isn't done the way she wants it or when she's sort of like, you know, we should be doing so much more. Like, why am I not getting the most out of this situation? And she's still present and still active and going to keep working with her because she's not complete, but she's feeling so much more settled than she ever was before.

feels really steady and she still gets triggered when something isn't done the way she wants it or when she's sort of like, you know, we should be doing so much more. Like, why am I not getting the most out of this situation? And she's still present and still active and going to keep working with her because she's not complete, but she's feeling so much more settled than she ever was before.

I was on the phone with my VP of marketing this morning and I was getting my makeup done and talking to him for an hour. And at the end of it, I was like, you know, bro, I think I might cry right now. But I was like, I feel so good inside to know that I can really trust that you're going to do what you believe is right with this.

I was on the phone with my VP of marketing this morning and I was getting my makeup done and talking to him for an hour. And at the end of it, I was like, you know, bro, I think I might cry right now. But I was like, I feel so good inside to know that I can really trust that you're going to do what you believe is right with this.

And in this new book that we're going to talk about today, I'm taking IFS and with the blessing of Dick Schwartz, making it self-help. But to give you the full picture of IFS, the goal is to recognize and honor these protection mechanisms, which in IFS are called protector parts, and to recognize who those protectors are protecting.

And in this new book that we're going to talk about today, I'm taking IFS and with the blessing of Dick Schwartz, making it self-help. But to give you the full picture of IFS, the goal is to recognize and honor these protection mechanisms, which in IFS are called protector parts, and to recognize who those protectors are protecting.

And it may not be exactly the way I would have done it, but I trust you to do it. And that's like, I explained to him, like, this is a really big deal for me to trust somebody in that way. And I have plenty of people on my team that I did, but in the marketing side, it was really hard. It's a hard, hard person to hire for it.

And it may not be exactly the way I would have done it, but I trust you to do it. And that's like, I explained to him, like, this is a really big deal for me to trust somebody in that way. And I have plenty of people on my team that I did, but in the marketing side, it was really hard. It's a hard, hard person to hire for it.

But the fact that he's there in his presence and he started crying on the phone and we were both just like having this really beautiful emo moment. My makeup artist is like, this is the most beautiful moment he's listening to on speakerphone. It's like the most beautiful moment I've ever heard.

But the fact that he's there in his presence and he started crying on the phone and we were both just like having this really beautiful emo moment. My makeup artist is like, this is the most beautiful moment he's listening to on speakerphone. It's like the most beautiful moment I've ever heard.

And it really was because I got to express my gratitude for him, but also for myself being able to let him do his thing. And to be a partner, not a dictator. And this is a part that I've been working with for so many years. This part has really been harmful at work, right? She's really shown up. She's really been scary. She's not made people feel safe.

And it really was because I got to express my gratitude for him, but also for myself being able to let him do his thing. And to be a partner, not a dictator. And this is a part that I've been working with for so many years. This part has really been harmful at work, right? She's really shown up. She's really been scary. She's not made people feel safe.

And even if she's a good person and they love her, it's still unsafe. And she's really settling. And it was just a beautiful thing to witness.

And even if she's a good person and they love her, it's still unsafe. And she's really settling. And it was just a beautiful thing to witness.

Yeah, I mean, one of my next ventures is going to create a training called self-impact training. where I'm going to teach leaders, whether it's a business leader, a thought leader, or a life coach or entrepreneurs, how to lead and do their work from a place of self and how to make an impact. Because the impact that we want to make can only really be made when we have an impact on our inner world.

Yeah, I mean, one of my next ventures is going to create a training called self-impact training. where I'm going to teach leaders, whether it's a business leader, a thought leader, or a life coach or entrepreneurs, how to lead and do their work from a place of self and how to make an impact. Because the impact that we want to make can only really be made when we have an impact on our inner world.

So using this tool from this book and other practices that I've developed over the years of recognizing where true impact really comes from. And a lot of that is learning how to relate to your parts and heal your parts so that you can relate to others in a way that's empowering and safe and curious and calm and compassionate and connected and creative.

So using this tool from this book and other practices that I've developed over the years of recognizing where true impact really comes from. And a lot of that is learning how to relate to your parts and heal your parts so that you can relate to others in a way that's empowering and safe and curious and calm and compassionate and connected and creative.

Because when you're not there, you're in your parts and you're showing up to your... One time my therapist said to me, I think it might be best if your 10-year-old self didn't show up. Your 10-year-old part didn't show up to work anymore. And I was like, that might be a good idea.

Because when you're not there, you're in your parts and you're showing up to your... One time my therapist said to me, I think it might be best if your 10-year-old self didn't show up. Your 10-year-old part didn't show up to work anymore. And I was like, that might be a good idea.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Well, thank you for being in self with me today.

Yeah. Well, thank you for being in self with me today.

So fast.

So fast.

And those protectors are protecting very young, exiled experiences from our past. So all of us, no matter how great our upbringing might have been, we all experienced some form of trauma, whether it's big T or small T trauma. In my case, I experienced sexual abuse as a child. That's a big T trauma.

And those protectors are protecting very young, exiled experiences from our past. So all of us, no matter how great our upbringing might have been, we all experienced some form of trauma, whether it's big T or small T trauma. In my case, I experienced sexual abuse as a child. That's a big T trauma.

Yeah, I mean, I think of a lot of spiritual followers, right? People who are on a spiritual path. Am I correct? The content's very spiritually grounded. And I think that one thing to notice for people, and this is only because I'm speaking for a part that I had for many years, was the part that might spiritually bypass.

Yeah, I mean, I think of a lot of spiritual followers, right? People who are on a spiritual path. Am I correct? The content's very spiritually grounded. And I think that one thing to notice for people, and this is only because I'm speaking for a part that I had for many years, was the part that might spiritually bypass.

For many years, I was, you know, training in Kundalini and like meditating for hours and channeling and all of that was extraordinary and it was better than using drugs, but it was also a protector part. It was trying to get above the suffering rather than relating to the suffering. And so spirituality is a through line within everything I touch.

For many years, I was, you know, training in Kundalini and like meditating for hours and channeling and all of that was extraordinary and it was better than using drugs, but it was also a protector part. It was trying to get above the suffering rather than relating to the suffering. And so spirituality is a through line within everything I touch.

So everything I taught today is a spiritual practice and recognizing that sometimes that spiritual practice is in that inner inquiry and not so about getting above or beyond it. And so that's, I think, a nice place to leave that little acknowledgement that I've been a spiritual teacher for 19 years. And for half of that time, I was spiritually bypassing.

So everything I taught today is a spiritual practice and recognizing that sometimes that spiritual practice is in that inner inquiry and not so about getting above or beyond it. And so that's, I think, a nice place to leave that little acknowledgement that I've been a spiritual teacher for 19 years. And for half of that time, I was spiritually bypassing.

And it wasn't meaning that my spiritual experiences weren't absolutely true, magnificent, supportive, healing, exactly where I could be in that moment. But it would have been cool to hear somebody be like, oh, you know, you don't have to go above it. You can get into it.

And it wasn't meaning that my spiritual experiences weren't absolutely true, magnificent, supportive, healing, exactly where I could be in that moment. But it would have been cool to hear somebody be like, oh, you know, you don't have to go above it. You can get into it.

That's right.

That's right.

I did all kinds of holistic healing remedies and and practices and breath work to heal my gut. And it was only until I healed my trauma that my gut could heal.

I did all kinds of holistic healing remedies and and practices and breath work to heal my gut. And it was only until I healed my trauma that my gut could heal.

That's where prayer comes in. I've had many. One of the biggest ones was postpartum depression, which for me led to suicidal ideation. And I was trying to wellness bypass that condition. I spent four months trying to take the supplements and do the acupuncture and the mediums and the yoga and wouldn't acknowledge that I was having a biochemical condition. And what I needed was an antidepressant.

That's where prayer comes in. I've had many. One of the biggest ones was postpartum depression, which for me led to suicidal ideation. And I was trying to wellness bypass that condition. I spent four months trying to take the supplements and do the acupuncture and the mediums and the yoga and wouldn't acknowledge that I was having a biochemical condition. And what I needed was an antidepressant.

Some people may have experienced a teacher telling them that they were stupid or a poor attachment figure. And that could seem like it's not a big deal. It could be like, oh, that was just like, you know, one time on the playground or one time in the classroom.

Some people may have experienced a teacher telling them that they were stupid or a poor attachment figure. And that could seem like it's not a big deal. It could be like, oh, that was just like, you know, one time on the playground or one time in the classroom.

And I did not need, no amount of ashwagandha was going to save me from that biochemical condition. And that was a big, big opportunity for me as a thought leader in the spiritual space to be able to speak very loud about the fact that we need medication at times, that we need support that may not look like the wellness path that we'd

And I did not need, no amount of ashwagandha was going to save me from that biochemical condition. And that was a big, big opportunity for me as a thought leader in the spiritual space to be able to speak very loud about the fact that we need medication at times, that we need support that may not look like the wellness path that we'd

might think is the only way because that's fucking bullshit and it will take your life. And sometimes you need hormones and sometimes you need medication or you need a surgery. And when we, and that recognizing God is in the medication, God is in the doctors. And it's when we bypass that, that we miss the healing opportunity. And depression is,

might think is the only way because that's fucking bullshit and it will take your life. And sometimes you need hormones and sometimes you need medication or you need a surgery. And when we, and that recognizing God is in the medication, God is in the doctors. And it's when we bypass that, that we miss the healing opportunity. And depression is,

these tools don't work when you're having a biochemical condition. Because when you're in a real depression, you don't actually have enough space between the stimulus and the response, right? And so the only thing I would offer there is a prayer and pray for help, pray for help. And that's all I could do.

these tools don't work when you're having a biochemical condition. Because when you're in a real depression, you don't actually have enough space between the stimulus and the response, right? And so the only thing I would offer there is a prayer and pray for help, pray for help. And that's all I could do.

And that prayer for help finally allowed me to hit my knees, finally allowed my therapist to intervene, finally allowed me to get to the right psychiatrist, finally allowed me to get the right medication. And so, and to accept that God was in the medication.

And that prayer for help finally allowed me to hit my knees, finally allowed my therapist to intervene, finally allowed me to get to the right psychiatrist, finally allowed me to get the right medication. And so, and to accept that God was in the medication.

And so I really want to emphasize that if someone's struggling with a chemical issue or a postpartum disorder or a hormonal, I'm in menopause now, I'm 45 and I'm in menopause and I'm young in that state and I'm now on hormones and I'm sexier than ever and I feel fucking awesome. And so not taking those hormones because I'm too holistic would destroy me.

And so I really want to emphasize that if someone's struggling with a chemical issue or a postpartum disorder or a hormonal, I'm in menopause now, I'm 45 and I'm in menopause and I'm young in that state and I'm now on hormones and I'm sexier than ever and I feel fucking awesome. And so not taking those hormones because I'm too holistic would destroy me.

But those moments can be so extreme for us as young children that we don't actually have the inner capacity or the brain capacity to process those deep experiences of shame or inadequacy or fear or even terror.

But those moments can be so extreme for us as young children that we don't actually have the inner capacity or the brain capacity to process those deep experiences of shame or inadequacy or fear or even terror.

Totally.

Totally.

Wait till you turn 40, honey. You're going to be like, okay, well, what do I need now?

Wait till you turn 40, honey. You're going to be like, okay, well, what do I need now?

It's easy to not need any kind of pharmacology when you're just functioning at a high level. But keep going. Sorry.

It's easy to not need any kind of pharmacology when you're just functioning at a high level. But keep going. Sorry.

i think for the for certain people at certain points in their life like is it it can't be an amazing tool for example antidepressants where somebody is so biochemically in a fog where they can't see straight or a mother who's postpartum period i'm going to save lives saying that yeah because you have listeners that are very spiritual they're on their wellness path and they might feel shame around taking an antidepressant when they're having postpartum depression but you know what it will kill you if you don't i've also seen not all people but if you're in a suit it's like you can take you to suicidal ideation yeah

i think for the for certain people at certain points in their life like is it it can't be an amazing tool for example antidepressants where somebody is so biochemically in a fog where they can't see straight or a mother who's postpartum period i'm going to save lives saying that yeah because you have listeners that are very spiritual they're on their wellness path and they might feel shame around taking an antidepressant when they're having postpartum depression but you know what it will kill you if you don't i've also seen not all people but if you're in a suit it's like you can take you to suicidal ideation yeah

I have had big debates about this with big leaders in this space. And I think it's very, very dangerous to shame or in any way or shape or form put down modern medicine because people need it. And, you know, particularly women, because our hormones, I need to be really on this platform speaking this, you will never know the suffering that a woman has to endure.

I have had big debates about this with big leaders in this space. And I think it's very, very dangerous to shame or in any way or shape or form put down modern medicine because people need it. And, you know, particularly women, because our hormones, I need to be really on this platform speaking this, you will never know the suffering that a woman has to endure.

And it's just by the nature of you being a man. And we have hormonal fluctuations all throughout our life. But starting in our mid-30s, we go through and we start to go into perimenopause. And when those hormonal upheavals begin, we don't have... It's now in the zeitgeist, which is wonderful, but it hadn't been for so long.

And it's just by the nature of you being a man. And we have hormonal fluctuations all throughout our life. But starting in our mid-30s, we go through and we start to go into perimenopause. And when those hormonal upheavals begin, we don't have... It's now in the zeitgeist, which is wonderful, but it hadn't been for so long.

And so women would silently suffer extreme mood swings, hot flashes, and not just the typical things like mood swings and hot flashes, but anything like... you know, not sleeping, physical pain, frozen shoulder, just total brain fog, like literally cannot remember your best friend's name, extreme conditions. And you're just not able to function or thrive in the world. And

And so women would silently suffer extreme mood swings, hot flashes, and not just the typical things like mood swings and hot flashes, but anything like... you know, not sleeping, physical pain, frozen shoulder, just total brain fog, like literally cannot remember your best friend's name, extreme conditions. And you're just not able to function or thrive in the world. And

And so as a result of not having an adult figure to help us process it, and definitely as a child not being able to process it, we unconsciously say, our brain says, never want to feel that again. I'm going to shut that down completely. And I'm going to do whatever it takes to protect against that feeling. And so as little, little people, we start building protectors.

And so as a result of not having an adult figure to help us process it, and definitely as a child not being able to process it, we unconsciously say, our brain says, never want to feel that again. I'm going to shut that down completely. And I'm going to do whatever it takes to protect against that feeling. And so as little, little people, we start building protectors.

When women have gone unmedicated, they've lost their jobs, they've lost their marriages, they've, you know, their children will tell them, you know, mom, when you were, you know, 10 years ago, you were really difficult. You know, they're like, really? I was? Because they didn't have enough awareness around this.

When women have gone unmedicated, they've lost their jobs, they've lost their marriages, they've, you know, their children will tell them, you know, mom, when you were, you know, 10 years ago, you were really difficult. You know, they're like, really? I was? Because they didn't have enough awareness around this.

And so I'm going to speak for this, you know, that hormone replacement therapy is something that is being spoken about very proudly right now. And women that do lose their hormones, it starts to lead to many other physical conditions like cholesterol and diabetes and heart disease and dementia. And so it's, I'm not pushing hormones.

And so I'm going to speak for this, you know, that hormone replacement therapy is something that is being spoken about very proudly right now. And women that do lose their hormones, it starts to lead to many other physical conditions like cholesterol and diabetes and heart disease and dementia. And so it's, I'm not pushing hormones.

People have many different paths, but to just suggest people to be curious and to be open because it's serious. Of course.

People have many different paths, but to just suggest people to be curious and to be open because it's serious. Of course.

I think that you need to figure out what's right for you, but don't let shame take you away from the miracle. And I think that these things all do work together, right? So I may take estrogen, but I also will take ashwagandha or I'll also take, you know, a Androgen support supplement or whatever, you know what I'm saying? So these things all can coexist together.

I think that you need to figure out what's right for you, but don't let shame take you away from the miracle. And I think that these things all do work together, right? So I may take estrogen, but I also will take ashwagandha or I'll also take, you know, a Androgen support supplement or whatever, you know what I'm saying? So these things all can coexist together.

And really the biggest thing is to do the inner work because without that, you don't have enough inner awareness to even be able to discern what is right for you.

And really the biggest thing is to do the inner work because without that, you don't have enough inner awareness to even be able to discern what is right for you.

like so identified in the personality right and and utilizing both is is really important so yeah just curious as as we're wrapping up here i have uh had a daily meditation practice for 19 years and it's also just part of my day so even if i'm in the car for 10 minutes and i'm

like so identified in the personality right and and utilizing both is is really important so yeah just curious as as we're wrapping up here i have uh had a daily meditation practice for 19 years and it's also just part of my day so even if i'm in the car for 10 minutes and i'm

um in an uber and i've got five minutes in between i'll go to my mantra or my breath and i wouldn't be who i am i wouldn't be sitting here i wouldn't have had the uh the expansiveness inside to do this kind of work if it weren't for the steadiness that my meditation practice has provided me And I also have access to that tuning in fast. I've got that access and the more I've developed it.

um in an uber and i've got five minutes in between i'll go to my mantra or my breath and i wouldn't be who i am i wouldn't be sitting here i wouldn't have had the uh the expansiveness inside to do this kind of work if it weren't for the steadiness that my meditation practice has provided me And I also have access to that tuning in fast. I've got that access and the more I've developed it.

And those protectors could be people pleasing, or it could be trying to be seen as a little kid, constantly asking for attention and wanting to be seen. And now they're like 50 years old and they're like checking their likes all day, thirsty for likes, right? It carries on for decades and decades. And so these protection mechanisms become the extreme patterns that we often shame most in ourselves.

And those protectors could be people pleasing, or it could be trying to be seen as a little kid, constantly asking for attention and wanting to be seen. And now they're like 50 years old and they're like checking their likes all day, thirsty for likes, right? It carries on for decades and decades. And so these protection mechanisms become the extreme patterns that we often shame most in ourselves.

These parts of us are so extreme because they're just trying to protect us. They're working really, really, really hard to keep us feeling safe. And when we can see them through that lens, we can feel compassion for them.

These parts of us are so extreme because they're just trying to protect us. They're working really, really, really hard to keep us feeling safe. And when we can see them through that lens, we can feel compassion for them.

And to just open your heart to these extreme patterns and behaviors and see them as protection mechanisms that are just trying to keep you from really tough stuff that you don't want to have to face.

And to just open your heart to these extreme patterns and behaviors and see them as protection mechanisms that are just trying to keep you from really tough stuff that you don't want to have to face.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Yeah. I mean, I just want people to get their hands on this book and I think that it would be huge value for them. And there's also, you know, people really like this work and they want to go deeper with it. I have a, in my coaching membership app, I've got hundreds of meditations and workshops and two-minute daily practices and 10-minute coaching practices and talks.

Yeah. I mean, I just want people to get their hands on this book and I think that it would be huge value for them. And there's also, you know, people really like this work and they want to go deeper with it. I have a, in my coaching membership app, I've got hundreds of meditations and workshops and two-minute daily practices and 10-minute coaching practices and talks.

But I also have these 11 self-help practices where I take the reader through the check-ins. So if you're like, I want to check in with my anxious part, but I don't know how to do it on my own yet, Gabby can do it with me. And so I can take them through this check-in process. It's a really cool thing. Or I can do the body parts, like checking in with your body parts if you're having pain or

But I also have these 11 self-help practices where I take the reader through the check-ins. So if you're like, I want to check in with my anxious part, but I don't know how to do it on my own yet, Gabby can do it with me. And so I can take them through this check-in process. It's a really cool thing. Or I can do the body parts, like checking in with your body parts if you're having pain or

any kind of emotional distress or something like that. So yeah, that's it. That's just my website, deargabby.com.

any kind of emotional distress or something like that. So yeah, that's it. That's just my website, deargabby.com.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's nice to meet you.

It's nice to meet you.

Totally new friend. I also want to thank your perfectionist part because I think that your perfectionist part did a really nice job creating this space. Don't you think?

Totally new friend. I also want to thank your perfectionist part because I think that your perfectionist part did a really nice job creating this space. Don't you think?

Like we all have the- My husband has a perfectionist part and he's really good at interior design. And I think that that's a quality that a lot of decorators have.

Like we all have the- My husband has a perfectionist part and he's really good at interior design. And I think that that's a quality that a lot of decorators have.

It's like, let's just fine tune everything.

It's like, let's just fine tune everything.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And so with IFS, we can start to bring self, which is that part that these women would speak about. They would say, oh, well, sometimes I feel calm and sometimes I feel compassionate. That's just myself. That essence, that Buddha nature, the God within us, the love within us, the compassionate connection, it's like an inner parent, is always inside of us.

And so with IFS, we can start to bring self, which is that part that these women would speak about. They would say, oh, well, sometimes I feel calm and sometimes I feel compassionate. That's just myself. That essence, that Buddha nature, the God within us, the love within us, the compassionate connection, it's like an inner parent, is always inside of us.

And self just has been blocked by these protectors. And so through the practice of IFS, we dismantle and calm and settle the protectors so that self can emerge. And in my book, what I'm doing is making this therapy self-help. It is not an IFS book, it's a self-help book, but now you understand why it's called self-help, right? Because when self emerges, self can help these younger parts.

And self just has been blocked by these protectors. And so through the practice of IFS, we dismantle and calm and settle the protectors so that self can emerge. And in my book, what I'm doing is making this therapy self-help. It is not an IFS book, it's a self-help book, but now you understand why it's called self-help, right? Because when self emerges, self can help these younger parts.

And every time you check in, you expand your connection to self. And the more you trust in self, the more empowered you feel because you're not trying so hard to stay alive. You actually know there's safety inside and self can help.

And every time you check in, you expand your connection to self. And the more you trust in self, the more empowered you feel because you're not trying so hard to stay alive. You actually know there's safety inside and self can help.

And I did that through a four-step process, which we can work on today.

And I did that through a four-step process, which we can work on today.

Yeah.

Yeah.

There's no bad parts, yes.

There's no bad parts, yes.

Well, I feel like I have a lot of self energy right now with you. So I'm curious about you and I'm calm. here in this beautiful space with my rose tea. And I feel connected to you. I feel like a really nice connection in the room. And I have a lot of confidence. I'm extremely confident right now. I'm really proud of myself. I have a lot of courage in this point in my life.

Well, I feel like I have a lot of self energy right now with you. So I'm curious about you and I'm calm. here in this beautiful space with my rose tea. And I feel connected to you. I feel like a really nice connection in the room. And I have a lot of confidence. I'm extremely confident right now. I'm really proud of myself. I have a lot of courage in this point in my life.

I'm just like, probably if you were to ask me, Gabby, what are you most proud of? Is my courage to have gone to the really dark places and to really tough stuff and to have healed these tough wounds to come out the other side.

I'm just like, probably if you were to ask me, Gabby, what are you most proud of? Is my courage to have gone to the really dark places and to really tough stuff and to have healed these tough wounds to come out the other side.

And so as I define the feelings that I have in this moment, and as I sit here and I imagine that you can feel that presence with you, it's not like you're sitting here and you're like, ah, she's bullshitting me, whatever. She says a nice, saying some nice things. I think you feel that, right? You feel that I'm calm in your presence and I'm connecting and

And so as I define the feelings that I have in this moment, and as I sit here and I imagine that you can feel that presence with you, it's not like you're sitting here and you're like, ah, she's bullshitting me, whatever. She says a nice, saying some nice things. I think you feel that, right? You feel that I'm calm in your presence and I'm connecting and

I have a lot of courage to just show up and confidence to be in the room. That energy is self-energy. And so we all have that energy. It's within us. It's around us. It's our true nature. And that energy, oftentimes most people only have fleeting moments of that energy.

I have a lot of courage to just show up and confidence to be in the room. That energy is self-energy. And so we all have that energy. It's within us. It's around us. It's our true nature. And that energy, oftentimes most people only have fleeting moments of that energy.

Maybe in Shavasana or maybe after a long run or maybe after a really deep therapy practice and they feel so much compassion for these parts of themselves. And these are fleeting moments. And most of the time, the majority of people are just living from these protectors to protectors. Like something gets triggered, they go into a protection mechanism and they run to the refrigerator.

Maybe in Shavasana or maybe after a long run or maybe after a really deep therapy practice and they feel so much compassion for these parts of themselves. And these are fleeting moments. And most of the time, the majority of people are just living from these protectors to protectors. Like something gets triggered, they go into a protection mechanism and they run to the refrigerator.

Something else gets triggered and they start, you know, people pleasing or something else gets triggered and they start controlling everything. And we live managing our lives all day long. And when we're in these managerial roles, we don't have access to this calmness and this presence that I can have with you right now. And that connection and that creativity, it's very childlike.

Something else gets triggered and they start, you know, people pleasing or something else gets triggered and they start controlling everything. And we live managing our lives all day long. And when we're in these managerial roles, we don't have access to this calmness and this presence that I can have with you right now. And that connection and that creativity, it's very childlike.

Like if you hang out with Dick Schwartz, who's founded IFS, he's been doing this for so many years. He's like a 73-year-old man. It's like being with like a 10-year-old. Like it's so childlike and joyful. And I know I'm in self when I'm feeling that joy.

Like if you hang out with Dick Schwartz, who's founded IFS, he's been doing this for so many years. He's like a 73-year-old man. It's like being with like a 10-year-old. Like it's so childlike and joyful. And I know I'm in self when I'm feeling that joy.

You know, last night I had a girlfriend looking at me and we were at dinner and I was looking at the menu and I was like, I think I want the tacos. I was like, but I definitely want the abuela chicken soup. And I was like, I definitely want that sopa. And I was going so excited about it. We were just like speaking in Spanglish and I was just having the best time.

You know, last night I had a girlfriend looking at me and we were at dinner and I was looking at the menu and I was like, I think I want the tacos. I was like, but I definitely want the abuela chicken soup. And I was like, I definitely want that sopa. And I was going so excited about it. We were just like speaking in Spanglish and I was just having the best time.

And she looked at me and she goes, Gabby, you're having so much fun. She's like, it must be so fun living your life. And I said, I can say that I'm having a lot of fun now, but it took a long time to get here.

And she looked at me and she goes, Gabby, you're having so much fun. She's like, it must be so fun living your life. And I said, I can say that I'm having a lot of fun now, but it took a long time to get here.

And so through the journey of identifying these protector parts inside myself and offering them the gentle inquiry and getting to know them and offer them connection and compassion and curiosity through the journey of IFS and many other modalities, spiritual practices and different therapies, but particularly IFS, I've been able to help these parts of myself become less extreme.

And so through the journey of identifying these protector parts inside myself and offering them the gentle inquiry and getting to know them and offer them connection and compassion and curiosity through the journey of IFS and many other modalities, spiritual practices and different therapies, but particularly IFS, I've been able to help these parts of myself become less extreme.

And as they are no longer in that managerial role of trying to control everything, they can relax and in that relaxed state, self can emerge. And so the best way to define self is just to offer it to you here and say, well, how do you feel hanging out with me right now? Self begets self.

And as they are no longer in that managerial role of trying to control everything, they can relax and in that relaxed state, self can emerge. And so the best way to define self is just to offer it to you here and say, well, how do you feel hanging out with me right now? Self begets self.

It's so good to be here. I think I have died and gone to podcast heaven with my rose tea. If anyone could just like catapult themselves into this room, it's fun.

It's so good to be here. I think I have died and gone to podcast heaven with my rose tea. If anyone could just like catapult themselves into this room, it's fun.

Right?

Right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's right. For sure. And self ignites self in others, right? So if I had showed up here and I was like all frazzled and, you know, kind of freaking out and like, you know, trying to control the setting and being a little bit, maybe how I might've been three years ago or something, right? Because I was into many other parts then. I would have pulled it off. I'm a professional.

That's right. For sure. And self ignites self in others, right? So if I had showed up here and I was like all frazzled and, you know, kind of freaking out and like, you know, trying to control the setting and being a little bit, maybe how I might've been three years ago or something, right? Because I was into many other parts then. I would have pulled it off. I'm a professional.

I would have gotten into connection, but it might have taken me a little bit longer. And maybe you would leave with a different experience of me and maybe the greatest virtues of you might not even have been able to develop because we are always vibrating at each other's access to self. And when you're around people, then they're in that energy of self. You feel calmer. You feel more creative.

I would have gotten into connection, but it might have taken me a little bit longer. And maybe you would leave with a different experience of me and maybe the greatest virtues of you might not even have been able to develop because we are always vibrating at each other's access to self. And when you're around people, then they're in that energy of self. You feel calmer. You feel more creative.

You feel more confident. It just has a ripple effect. It's beautiful.

You feel more confident. It just has a ripple effect. It's beautiful.

Yes, my friend.

Yes, my friend.

The journey of healing is a journey of undoing the false pretenses that we've placed upon ourselves and returning to who we really are. All of us, no matter how great our upbringing might have been, we all experienced some form of trauma.

Yeah, well, I can continue to just sort of use my journey as an example, also to let your viewers who may not be familiar with me know that just sitting here in this self-energy now did require a commitment, a commitment to my inside. And really from the early days of becoming a spiritual teacher when I was 25 years old, I... began this journey.

Best tea I've ever had in my life. Thank you.

I actually really think I became a spiritual teacher when I was 14 because I was running the Jewish youth groups in my region. I was like a spiritual Sherpa at the temples. 400 kids would come and have sleepovers. I was leading it. I think I even knew then this is my dharma. I really turned my back on my spiritual faith from a childhood experience. My mom brought me up visiting ashrams.

She taught me to meditate as a child. I had a lot of spiritual imprints. But by the time I was in my early 20s, I picked up a lot of protectors. And I had probably had them all throughout high school and throughout my life. And they were really protectors like love addiction. I felt like if I'm not in a relationship, I might die.

And I remember one day I was feeling so much shame around that love addiction. My best friend from high school said to me, this is when I was in my early 20s. He said, you know, Gabby, you're never single. What's wrong with you? You're never single. And I was like, oh, that's really shameful. I don't like that feeling. And so he said, I'm going to put down that. And what happened the next day?

I picked up cocaine. transferred protectors, right? So for some reason, that relationship made me feel safe from some impermissible feeling, and that was how I was protecting myself. And then when I put that down, I picked up the Coke. And then when I picked up the Coke, that was a big, hard bottom. I hit bottom fast, by the grace of God, 25 years old, 19 years ago to this month. And

And when I got clean and sober, I took away the drink and the drug, but then I had all these other protectors that started to emerge, right? So workaholism and people-pleasing and controlling. So I had all these other protectors keeping me in place. And then about 10 years into my sober recovery and about six or seven books in and having this Being a teacher, I was 36 years old.

I was deep in my career. I had a dream. And in that dream, I remembered being sexually abused as a child. And all throughout my recovery of my sobriety, I was like, why did I use? I had a great childhood. Why did I use? I was dissociating and that is a protector as well. So the memory helped me really solidify the reason why

the inciting incident, the trauma that led me to, one of the traumas that led me to protect myself in these ways. And then as I continued to journey in my trauma recovery, I began to peel back the layers of the onion and recognize that these protectors were so, so, so extreme. And that even though they led to cocaine addiction or shameful love addiction or workaholism that burnt me out or

extreme controlling patterns that might have harmed other people emotionally, that I could have compassion for all of these parts of myself because they were working so, so hard to push down that impermissible feeling from my childhood and to hide it. And then when it emerged, I had no other choice but to face it.

And so the past nine years, I've been really deep in my IFS work, my trauma recovery, and of course my spiritual development. And what I'm so proud of is that courage to do that. So just to define protectors from that place, there's different types of protectors, right? There's managers that are like gonna control everything to feel safe.

And a manager could also be a part of you that's kind of type A or a part of you that's like, you know, every time I feel triggered, I'm going to just rage at someone. But then when those managerial patterns stop working and there's a really big trigger,

breakup or a family member shows back up in your life or something scary, we're going to turn to the other types of protectors, which is the firefighters. And the firefighters are the, when they're the putting out the fire, that's the addiction, that's the suicidal ideation, that's the dissociation like I had.

And so as you can see through my journey, I've had many moments of protectors becoming, you know, one's going to be pushed down by another, another one steps in and they're all kind of at odds with each other, these parts of myself, right?

So I've got this shameful part that's judging the control freak because she was mean to her staff one day or, you know, the other part that's like, why are you so anxious? You're supposed to be a spiritual teacher, you know? And then, you know, all the while still doing great work in the world while having so much suffering.

Those moments can be so extreme for us as young children that we don't actually have the inner capacity to process those deep experiences of shame or inadequacy or even terror. And so as little, little people, we start building protectors. And those protectors could be people-pleasing or trying to be seen.

And so that's an important message to people is that you can still be in a transformational presence in the world even while you're going through your own work. I think that's important.

No, I think that we serve through our stories and our stories are what heal. And when we're sitting in the seat of wherever we are in that moment, that's when we are giving the gift. And so, listen, I've written 10 books in 14 years. And a lot of my controlling parts did those, wrote those books up until this most recent one. And

as much as that was controlling and writing a book on an airplane while I was on the book tour of the last book, it was an extreme way of living, but it was also creative and it was also in the service of others. It was also in the service of myself. I wrote these books for myself first. And so two things can be true.

You can be going through deep suffering and doing extraordinary creative things in the world and healing things in the world. And I think most creatives would say that some of their real most healing work came from times of their own healing in the creative process.

I have been on a particularly about 19 year journey now of unlearning the fear-based beliefs that create the somatic experience of that kind of suffering. And then of course, through unlearning the belief systems, healing the somatic experience and coming through the other side to know what mental freedom feels like. And of course, then physical freedom as well, because

It's not release of tension, just for semantic sake, for what we're saying here with IFS, it's release of tension from the exiled feeling. So we've got this extreme childhood, extreme feeling that we'd never want to, we lock it up. We're like, go in the basement, bye. And then we have these protection mechanisms to block it.

And when those are not really working, we go to addiction would be a very extreme one. And the addiction would say, I got to put the fire out. I don't want to feel that anymore. I'm going to numb that out.

That's a really nice question. When I was writing this book, I was- Which, by the way, self-help. Self-help. This is your chance to change your life.

Aptly named. And when I was writing self-help, I also had the privilege of being a fellow at a recovery center. And so every month I would go and I would give talks at this recovery center. And each month there would be a new group of 100 or 150 addicts that would enter because it was like a 21-day program. and there would be a new group of people coming through.

And so they'd oftentimes be a day or two days clean and sober. Maybe I'd meet them in their first week of sobriety. And the rooms were just filled with shame and blame and detox, and you'd walk in. And this was the work that I was workshopping with them because I often would workshop whatever I was writing at the time because it's on my mind.

And I'd enter these rooms and I would open up with something pretty bold and a little bit risky, but I felt like I had enough self-presence to do this with them. And I would say, first and foremost, I am you. I know you. I recognize myself in you. And I would make that connection. And then I would invite them to share openly or just raise their hand or just get honest with themselves.

And I'd say, how many people in this room have experienced some kind of adverse trauma as a child? And everybody in the room would raise their hand. And then I would ask them to really recognize that for a moment. And then I would say to them, well, that's really difficult stuff to ever have to face. And so wouldn't it make sense that we would do whatever it takes to put out that fire?

Wouldn't it make sense that we would go to all lengths to not have to feel that? And everyone would sort of nod their head and be like, yeah, that makes sense. Like I would have to just put that out. And then I said, well, if we were going to any length to put out that fire, wouldn't And that led us to addiction.

Can you have a little, possibly open your mind now to see that addiction as something that was trying to protect you? And half the room would be like, no, my addiction is terrible. I'm a piece of shit. And that's where they are. I mean, to ask them to see it differently in that moment might be too extreme.

But I'd see the other half of the room and they'd be like, for a second, a split second, yeah, maybe I've been using to numb this thing out. And I'm not actually a horrible person. I'm just a wounded person who's been trying to put out the flames. And as the hour would go on, we might be able to get a little bit more and more connected to that addiction.

And so I think that if any addicts are listening or people who are loved ones of addicts, we all have our own forms of addiction. If you can even just simply reframe it for a moment and say, oh, you know, every time I go to the sugar, I'm going there because, you know, I'm triggered by something or there might be something underneath that. I mean, I'm curious.

Or maybe you have more awareness and you know that you're drinking over your childhood wounds. And you could say, well, I have a lot of compassion for myself when I pick up a drink. That's an opening. These are openings to start to open up a new perspective of the why behind the pattern.

once I have become settled now in my own inner system, my nervous system has settled and my body has settled and my digestion has settled and my physical ailments have settled. And so I'm living the goal of where I've been trying to get to.

Yeah, I'm grateful that you asked because in fact, I'll just take you through the steps because the four steps, it's called a four-step check-in in the self-help book. And the four steps are designed to help you become... curious and compassionate and connected to the part of you. So let's say that something may activate me in the moment. Maybe my husband says something and it super triggers me.

And I have enough awareness now to say, okay, you know what, Zach, I'm going to separate myself for a moment. Let me just step away because this is going to get ugly if I don't. Because I have a part that I call knives out. And when my husband triggers that part, knives are fucking out, man, okay? So I might say, okay, knives out, it's about to step in, so I'm going to step aside, right?

So then I have enough awareness. Now, most of the time, we don't have that. And for many, many years, I haven't. But I've done enough of this work now that it's in my system. I can see, oh, I'm not going to a good place. Let me step away. So I could step away and I could do the four-step check-in process. And so the first step would be to choose to check in.

And that choice began by separating myself. And the choice to check in is instead of checking out by knives out, losing my shit on him, just projecting and- Unconsciously reacting. Unconsciously reacting, becoming so blended with the reaction, becoming so righteous in the reaction to a very dark place, which could affect our six-year-old and affect him and affect the bond that we have.

So instead of going into knives out, I can choose to check inside instead of check out. That's step one. And that's when you focus your attention inward.

Exactly. Yes.

Yeah. And in fact, there's even, we can come back to this. Let's put this on the shelf. There's a chapter in the book about prayer and how that could even be the first step before the first step, right? So we can get to sort of how you get to step one. That's like a whole other topic. I love that you brought that up.

Most of the time you're not going to have the awareness. That's why I want the reader to start to do this with small things, right? So let's keep it more simple for someone that's having their own experience. Like Maybe they're at work and their boss says something a little bit sideways and it makes them a little triggered.

And they're like, I could go off and be mad about this all day or I could choose to check in. Okay, Gabby Bernstein wrote this book. I'm going to follow the book. I'm going to choose to check in. Go to the bathroom, you choose to check in.

Right.

Thank you.

Let's have a whole conversation just on that, okay? Because that's a whole other level, and I'm excited about this. So step one is choose to check in, assuming we have the space, assuming the stimulus and the space was enough. And we then would do step two, which is to become curious about that part of us that's up. So in the case of Knives Out, you know, Knives Out's trying to come through.

It is exciting. I'm in the there there.

I'm gonna choose to check in and I become curious. Okay, where does it live in my body? It's in my chest, like always in my chest, like rageful. It's in my jaws clenching. My fists will sometimes even go like this when Knives Out is there. Like I can physically take on the physicality of that part. And I could ask that part, what do I know about you? How long have you been around?

And it's gonna be like forever, Gabby, we've been here forever. And then I'm gonna ask the part, what else do you want me to know? Are there any images or sensations? And then I see myself as a little girl and it comes to my mind and I see myself just screaming and screaming because my pigtails aren't straight and I just need to control everything and I just need to feel safe and feel in control.

And so I get a little bit more information. I just keep sourcing this information about this part. And as soon as I feel slightly connected to the part with the images and the feelings and the sensations, the third step is to compassionately connect. And that's when you'd ask that part of yourself, what do you need?

And in asking what do you need, these parts are going to reveal the most beautiful responses. They'll say things like, I need to rest. I need to play. I need to ask for support. I need to speak up. I need to be heard. And that inquiry alone offers these young parts, the little parts, they're young, such awareness and presence. And then the fourth step is to check for the C qualities of self.

And the reason that you want to check is you want to see like, oh, like, how am I feeling better now? And so you would check back in with your system and you'd say, okay, Am I feeling a little bit more calm? Do I feel connected to the part? Do I feel a little bit more compassionate towards myself or the other? Do I have courage to speak up? Do I have a connection, confidence, creativity?

And you just start going down that list of those eight C's and you see if you have any presence of that self-quality inside of you. And typically, if you're doing this often, self will continue to emerge more and more and more. And the beauty is that now you have a tool that whenever you think you're going to check out, you can check in.

And every time you check in, you expand your connection to self. And as you start to expand that connection to self, you have more and more trust in self. And the more you trust in self, the less extreme you are. And the more you know where to turn. And the more empowered you feel because you're not trying so hard to stay alive. You actually know there's safety inside. And self can help.

Well, then choose to check in with it. Yeah. Choose to check in. Step one.

Yeah, so compassionately connect and say, what do you need? What do you need?

Yeah. And what I want to point out is that the four steps, and this is why this isn't IFS, this is IFS-informed self-help, to be really clear. IFS would be a similar inquiry inside, but it's guided by a therapist and it's teasing out. It's a much more in-depth process and it's a many differences. What I'm using here are self-like qualities to apply towards your inner condition.

And so you lean on these self-like qualities, which is the choice to check in, and the curiosity to inquire about who this part is, and the compassionate connection of asking, what do you need? And then the checking for the C qualities. So it's

Leaning on these qualities of self to guide you through this four-step process allows that energy of calmness and connection and curiosity to emerge naturally.

If you got all eight, then you're right.

You know, it's funny. I've been noticing even in myself, I'm such a fixer. I have a fixer part, right? Because I just have such a knowing that these things can help. And I'm always wanting to sort of be like, even if my husband has indigestion or something, I'm like, try this supplement. I'm a fixer. I want to give solutions. And that's not what people always want. And that's not what parts want.

You know, parts want to be seen and they want curiosity. And I mentor a young woman and she'll call me and she has a very huge career. And she'll call me and she'll say this and she'll say that. And I'll immediately go into like, well, let's fix this because you've got a tour. I'll just be like, fix, fix, fix, right? And I noticed the other day when she called me, I said, Gabby, just be curious.

And so instead of going into like pouncing on these parts, I would say, well, how do you feel about that? Or what is that wanting you to know? Or is there something that you think is being revealed here? And I could see how much more beneficial I could be to support her in that seat of curiosity rather than the seat of trying to fix.

And so imagine, and that little kids too, like if you've ever been around a child and my son is six years old, if I try to just be like, do this, do that, he's like, screw you. But if I ask him, Well, how do you feel about that? Or what is it that you need right now? Then that curiosity creates space for his truth to come forward.

And the thing is, is that it's sometimes easy for us to do that with others, but we never would consider doing that with ourselves. All day long, we're going to say, you know, shame or blame ourselves for having these patterns or try to fix things really fast, but instead offering that curiosity.

IFS is internal family systems therapy. It has nothing to do with your outside family. It has to do with an inner family of parts of who you are. IFS was invented by my very dear friend and mentor and brother, truly like a brother, is Dr. Richard Schwartz. He invented this therapy sort of by accident, truly. He was a family therapist. And so systems, family systems was his model.

Just to be heard.

You know, my husband will ask me, it's really helpful. He'll say, do you want my advice or do you want me to listen? And that's great because sometimes I want his advice. Sometimes I just want him to listen. It's so great.

Well, in the book and in my work, I don't touch exiles. I want you to know that they're there and I want you to understand that the protectors are protecting the exiles. But the reason I don't want to go to the exiles is the traumatized parts.

They're the little traumatized children or the experiences that were so impermissible, that were so scary, so shameful, so fearful, so traumatizing that we live our whole lives trying to avoid them and to protect against them. And the reason I don't want to touch them is because I want to teach people how to relate to the protectors.

And as the protectors begin to relax, they become a little bit more and more curious about the exiles. And that might guide them to IFS therapy or to another form of therapy where they can do one-on-one work with a trauma therapist or someone who specializes there. Because it's very frightening when people are in the world, like self-help people that aren't licensed and don't have the

ability to handle or hold the space that are like, I'm a trauma person, or let's rip off the bandaid. Like you better run the other fucking way if somebody says that to you, because these parts are being hidden for a reason. It's like a pressure cooker. If you just turned off, if you just started to open the pressure cooker, it would explode. We don't want to explode.

There's protection mechanisms that are doing a really good job keeping the big feelings And we just want to calm these protection mechanisms. And as they start to calm and we build up more self, we become safer inside and that safety, then we have more presence to bring to the exiles. So the exiles, they need our support, but I recommend IFS therapy for that.

Yeah, if you have an exile and you just try to go into it or you go do like some kind of journey or something and your trauma just emerges and then you come out of it and you're like, I'm living in it, you become blended in it again. When I remembered my trauma from my childhood, for many months, I was living in the little girl. I was so blended with that girl.

And in working with women who were, he had a period of time where he was working with women who were struggling with eating disorders and binging. And they would speak in session about these parts of themselves that would take over. That part of me takes over when I want to binge or a part of me takes over when I want to self-harm. A part of me takes over when I am self-loathing.

And thankfully I had all the resources and the therapy. And listen, not everybody's gonna be able to have access to a therapist. And thankfully there's more services these days that make it more affordable. But not everyone's going to have that access, and this book may be all they have. And so still the suggestion would be just begin by doing the inquiry with these protectors.

Don't go straight to the exile because the exile is a little scared. It's not even a little scared. It's terrified. And we want to not rip off that Band-Aid.

Well, the good news is that we're not trying to get rid of parts. We're just trying to calm them down. So for instance, my controller wrote 10 books in 14 years. We don't want to stop her. She's going right now after I leave you to go write another book at a commune. I'm going to go spend two days finishing a book, right? As I'm launching this one. And that's because there's inspiration.

That's because there's joy. That's because... I have the space inside of me. I'm a medium. I'm channeling this material. It's coming through me. I have to allow it. So it's beautiful. And had that been me writing a book five years ago, I would have felt like I have to get on the plane and get that book done or get to the next place to finish it. I have a deadline.

Right now, I'm like, I've got two days and and space. I'm going to go take those two days and I'm going to hide in a little cabin and drink nice coffee and going to channel a book. And so that is really different. So the controller needs to still be in my life because she has a lot of things she has to do, right? My controller part was in Phoenix yesterday giving a talk.

She's had nine podcasts in LA. She's writing a book this weekend and then she's going to Denver on Monday to give another talk. And then she's going to go home and have Halloween with her son. So she's got to be sort of in control, right? But she doesn't have to do it in such an extreme way. She's not burnt out anymore. She's not so controlling that she's so unpleasant to be with.

She's not so controlling that she's projecting onto the future and making other people around her crazy. She's in a place where the part, the controlling part, I call it a she. My parts are women, female. And they can have different genders, mine are female. where that part of me is so settled now that she can do the great work. She's not stopping anytime soon. She'll be working until she's 100.

And then at times they might talk a little bit about this other part of themselves that feels really compassionate towards these behaviors or part of themselves that at times could feel calmer or feel more connected. And he'd ask them, well, what's that part of you? And they would say, that's myself. That's just self.

And she can do the great work in a less extreme way. But I don't want her to go away because I got things to do in this lifetime. If she just disappeared, I'd be sleeping, right?

I can rename that. Like she's not a controller. Now she's just like an untethered force of light.

Well, the controller part that wrote 10 books in 14 years, I didn't try to make that part

shamed and blamed I helped it calm down and so I can rename it like I said now it's an untethered force of light and she's you know creating in a really cool space or instead of the controller I could maybe call her like the badass you know get stuff done with joy kind of thing you know whatever you want to rename it I don't care But that essence is still part of me. I can get a lot done.

I can expand time. I can be a boss. I can run a team. I can be a mom. I can travel. I can come to you and the next hour be working and writing. I can also rest. But I can do it in a less extreme way now. So the part has... grown up. The part has emerged. The part has had a chrysalis, truly. And so it's not saying that we stop these parts, right?

Like my addict part is no longer active inside of me. And now I can see that part as like finding this like extreme joy in things instead of extreme, you know, checking out, right? So I think that that's important, though. It's important to identify that these parts of us don't need to go away. They're not bad. They have to just be unburdened.

And what Dick realized was that the same way there's patterns and dynamics and triggers and family relationships, the same was happening to all these parts inside these patients. Recognizing that we are not one mono human.

Absolutely. I mean, I'm so proud and grateful for these extreme parts of myself because they've done good work in the world and they've got me to where I am today and they've brought me to my knees so that I could heal and There's only love and connection to these parts of myself. And I'm so grateful that they had a presence in my life and that they have now become more safe.

And I'm not in any way saying that I don't have extreme parts anymore. I'm just saying that I have a new way of relating to them. And that it's really very, a lot of this freedom inside is very new for me also, like really even like a few weeks new. I've even noticed in my marriage, just like having that space to step away and to just witness.

And we have to come back to the space between the stimulus and the response, right? Most people may not have the space to even slightly adjust from being triggered and going into the protection mechanism, to the protector part. So that's why I'm going to say when you first start this book, do it with the parts that's around all the time that you have enough awareness of.

Like anxiety is a good one. Like checking in with your anxiety. You know what you can voice. Oh, I'm anxious right now. And so there's a whole chapter in the book called Anxious Parts. And so you can just, the next time you notice that your anxiety is really taking over and you're willing to do whatever it takes, read that chapter and check in with your anxious part and give it attention.

Totally, totally.

Totally. Because what we often try to do with these extreme patterns or these feelings is we try to push them down or numb them out or avoid them or shame them. And instead, what if we just looked at the part and said, oh, I see you anxiety. I know that you're there. Maybe we can choose to check in with you. What you're doing also is you're recognizing that it's not who you are.

We are having an experience of many different parts of ourselves inside, often protection mechanisms and a lot of extreme patterns and behaviors that have been there for most of our life. You often check in with these parts of yourself and say, how long have you been around? That's like forever, you know?

It's just a part of who you are.

And so through the practice of IFS, we dismantle, calm, and settle the protectors so that self can emerge. You're recognizing that it's not who you are, it's just a part of who you are. And now here's a four-step practice to do it. The beauty is that now you have a tool that whenever you think you're going to check out, you can check in.

Beautiful. Yeah. I think that the pretenses that we place upon ourselves are also protectors. And the journey of healing spiritually and therapeutically is a journey of undoing the false pretenses that we've placed upon ourselves and returning to who we really are.

Even just noticing that space and just seeing it for a moment is a huge win.

That's the whole point of this check-in process. Because the more you check in, the less you check out, the more space you create. And then the easier it is, like any habit, to choose to check in instead of check out.

And it allows you to look at the difficult, extreme parts of yourself and say, okay, what do we have to learn? What do you want me to know? We got some work to do. This is a great opportunity. Listen, they don't call it self-help or nothing, right? It's self-help. It's having the courage and the bravery to say, I see that there's something that's happening inside and I want to take a look at it.

And if you've ever said to yourself, you know, a part of me gets really triggered when my girlfriend does this, or a part of me gets really triggered when I don't have that job opportunity or whatever it might be. We are actually speaking for almost like a subpersonality, right? And so to keep this very simple, because that's my gift.

And now here's a four-step practice to do it.

Well, I like what you said. There's this beautiful concept in IFS of getting into relationship with the part. And the more that we can get into a relationship with these parts of ourselves, we can stop blaming them and we can just keep connecting to them.

And that's the greatest relationships you'll ever have because you're looking at yourself every day and you're like, okay, I've got this world of little children inside of me and they need my attention and I can relate to them because I've got a tool and a practice to do that. And it becomes safer and safer and safer to do it. It's really beautiful.

Yeah, I mean, there's a big part of me that's been lingering for a long time and only in the last maybe five days since it started to really settle. Okay, it's fresh here, fresh material. It's this part that's been around forever and its voice is saying, if I don't do it, nobody else will.

And I've been working with her for many years and I've had some big breakthroughs with her recently in my IFS therapy and on my own. And in that, I've also become a different point of attraction and having those breakthroughs. And so in that new state of my energy, I was able to actually start attracting some new talent to my team and people that I really trusted.

And, you know, people like Josh, who's in the room with us right now. And for the first time, a VP of marketing, who I feel really confident about and just feel like I can hand things off to him. And I wouldn't have been able to attract that kind of person into my life if I hadn't done the work to undo that belief.

And to speak for that part, you know, to even say to my team, you know, I know I'm being a little controlling right now, but It's just that part of me that still believes this dot, dot, dot. Thank you for your patience. And the part in this moment

feels really steady and she still gets triggered when something isn't done the way she wants it or when she's sort of like, you know, we should be doing so much more. Like, why am I not getting the most out of this situation? And she's still present and still active and going to keep working with her because she's not complete, but she's feeling so much more settled than she ever was before.

I was on the phone with my VP of marketing this morning and I was getting my makeup done and talking to him for an hour. And at the end of it, I was like, you know, bro, I think I might cry right now. But I was like, I feel so good inside to know that I can really trust that you're going to do what you believe is right with this.

And in this new book that we're going to talk about today, I'm taking IFS and with the blessing of Dick Schwartz, making it self-help. But to give you the full picture of IFS, the goal is to recognize and honor these protection mechanisms, which in IFS are called protector parts, and to recognize who those protectors are protecting.

And it may not be exactly the way I would have done it, but I trust you to do it. And that's like, I explained to him, like, this is a really big deal for me to trust somebody in that way. And I have plenty of people on my team that I did, but in the marketing side, it was really hard. It's a hard, hard person to hire for it.

But the fact that he's there in his presence and he started crying on the phone and we were both just like having this really beautiful emo moment. My makeup artist is like, this is the most beautiful moment he's listening to on speakerphone. It's like the most beautiful moment I've ever heard.

And it really was because I got to express my gratitude for him, but also for myself being able to let him do his thing. And to be a partner, not a dictator. And this is a part that I've been working with for so many years. This part has really been harmful at work, right? She's really shown up. She's really been scary. She's not made people feel safe.

And even if she's a good person and they love her, it's still unsafe. And she's really settling. And it was just a beautiful thing to witness.

Yeah, I mean, one of my next ventures is going to create a training called self-impact training. where I'm going to teach leaders, whether it's a business leader, a thought leader, or a life coach or entrepreneurs, how to lead and do their work from a place of self and how to make an impact. Because the impact that we want to make can only really be made when we have an impact on our inner world.

So using this tool from this book and other practices that I've developed over the years of recognizing where true impact really comes from. And a lot of that is learning how to relate to your parts and heal your parts so that you can relate to others in a way that's empowering and safe and curious and calm and compassionate and connected and creative.

Because when you're not there, you're in your parts and you're showing up to your... One time my therapist said to me, I think it might be best if your 10-year-old self didn't show up. Your 10-year-old part didn't show up to work anymore. And I was like, that might be a good idea.

Yeah.

Yeah. Well, thank you for being in self with me today.

So fast.

And those protectors are protecting very young, exiled experiences from our past. So all of us, no matter how great our upbringing might have been, we all experienced some form of trauma, whether it's big T or small T trauma. In my case, I experienced sexual abuse as a child. That's a big T trauma.

Yeah, I mean, I think of a lot of spiritual followers, right? People who are on a spiritual path. Am I correct? The content's very spiritually grounded. And I think that one thing to notice for people, and this is only because I'm speaking for a part that I had for many years, was the part that might spiritually bypass.

For many years, I was, you know, training in Kundalini and like meditating for hours and channeling and all of that was extraordinary and it was better than using drugs, but it was also a protector part. It was trying to get above the suffering rather than relating to the suffering. And so spirituality is a through line within everything I touch.

So everything I taught today is a spiritual practice and recognizing that sometimes that spiritual practice is in that inner inquiry and not so about getting above or beyond it. And so that's, I think, a nice place to leave that little acknowledgement that I've been a spiritual teacher for 19 years. And for half of that time, I was spiritually bypassing.

And it wasn't meaning that my spiritual experiences weren't absolutely true, magnificent, supportive, healing, exactly where I could be in that moment. But it would have been cool to hear somebody be like, oh, you know, you don't have to go above it. You can get into it.

That's right.

I did all kinds of holistic healing remedies and and practices and breath work to heal my gut. And it was only until I healed my trauma that my gut could heal.

That's where prayer comes in. I've had many. One of the biggest ones was postpartum depression, which for me led to suicidal ideation. And I was trying to wellness bypass that condition. I spent four months trying to take the supplements and do the acupuncture and the mediums and the yoga and wouldn't acknowledge that I was having a biochemical condition. And what I needed was an antidepressant.

Some people may have experienced a teacher telling them that they were stupid or a poor attachment figure. And that could seem like it's not a big deal. It could be like, oh, that was just like, you know, one time on the playground or one time in the classroom.

And I did not need, no amount of ashwagandha was going to save me from that biochemical condition. And that was a big, big opportunity for me as a thought leader in the spiritual space to be able to speak very loud about the fact that we need medication at times, that we need support that may not look like the wellness path that we'd

might think is the only way because that's fucking bullshit and it will take your life. And sometimes you need hormones and sometimes you need medication or you need a surgery. And when we, and that recognizing God is in the medication, God is in the doctors. And it's when we bypass that, that we miss the healing opportunity. And depression is,

these tools don't work when you're having a biochemical condition. Because when you're in a real depression, you don't actually have enough space between the stimulus and the response, right? And so the only thing I would offer there is a prayer and pray for help, pray for help. And that's all I could do.

And that prayer for help finally allowed me to hit my knees, finally allowed my therapist to intervene, finally allowed me to get to the right psychiatrist, finally allowed me to get the right medication. And so, and to accept that God was in the medication.

And so I really want to emphasize that if someone's struggling with a chemical issue or a postpartum disorder or a hormonal, I'm in menopause now, I'm 45 and I'm in menopause and I'm young in that state and I'm now on hormones and I'm sexier than ever and I feel fucking awesome. And so not taking those hormones because I'm too holistic would destroy me.

But those moments can be so extreme for us as young children that we don't actually have the inner capacity or the brain capacity to process those deep experiences of shame or inadequacy or fear or even terror.

Totally.

Wait till you turn 40, honey. You're going to be like, okay, well, what do I need now?

It's easy to not need any kind of pharmacology when you're just functioning at a high level. But keep going. Sorry.

i think for the for certain people at certain points in their life like is it it can't be an amazing tool for example antidepressants where somebody is so biochemically in a fog where they can't see straight or a mother who's postpartum period i'm going to save lives saying that yeah because you have listeners that are very spiritual they're on their wellness path and they might feel shame around taking an antidepressant when they're having postpartum depression but you know what it will kill you if you don't i've also seen not all people but if you're in a suit it's like you can take you to suicidal ideation yeah

I have had big debates about this with big leaders in this space. And I think it's very, very dangerous to shame or in any way or shape or form put down modern medicine because people need it. And, you know, particularly women, because our hormones, I need to be really on this platform speaking this, you will never know the suffering that a woman has to endure.

And it's just by the nature of you being a man. And we have hormonal fluctuations all throughout our life. But starting in our mid-30s, we go through and we start to go into perimenopause. And when those hormonal upheavals begin, we don't have... It's now in the zeitgeist, which is wonderful, but it hadn't been for so long.

And so women would silently suffer extreme mood swings, hot flashes, and not just the typical things like mood swings and hot flashes, but anything like... you know, not sleeping, physical pain, frozen shoulder, just total brain fog, like literally cannot remember your best friend's name, extreme conditions. And you're just not able to function or thrive in the world. And

And so as a result of not having an adult figure to help us process it, and definitely as a child not being able to process it, we unconsciously say, our brain says, never want to feel that again. I'm going to shut that down completely. And I'm going to do whatever it takes to protect against that feeling. And so as little, little people, we start building protectors.

When women have gone unmedicated, they've lost their jobs, they've lost their marriages, they've, you know, their children will tell them, you know, mom, when you were, you know, 10 years ago, you were really difficult. You know, they're like, really? I was? Because they didn't have enough awareness around this.

And so I'm going to speak for this, you know, that hormone replacement therapy is something that is being spoken about very proudly right now. And women that do lose their hormones, it starts to lead to many other physical conditions like cholesterol and diabetes and heart disease and dementia. And so it's, I'm not pushing hormones.

People have many different paths, but to just suggest people to be curious and to be open because it's serious. Of course.

I think that you need to figure out what's right for you, but don't let shame take you away from the miracle. And I think that these things all do work together, right? So I may take estrogen, but I also will take ashwagandha or I'll also take, you know, a Androgen support supplement or whatever, you know what I'm saying? So these things all can coexist together.

And really the biggest thing is to do the inner work because without that, you don't have enough inner awareness to even be able to discern what is right for you.

like so identified in the personality right and and utilizing both is is really important so yeah just curious as as we're wrapping up here i have uh had a daily meditation practice for 19 years and it's also just part of my day so even if i'm in the car for 10 minutes and i'm

um in an uber and i've got five minutes in between i'll go to my mantra or my breath and i wouldn't be who i am i wouldn't be sitting here i wouldn't have had the uh the expansiveness inside to do this kind of work if it weren't for the steadiness that my meditation practice has provided me And I also have access to that tuning in fast. I've got that access and the more I've developed it.

And those protectors could be people pleasing, or it could be trying to be seen as a little kid, constantly asking for attention and wanting to be seen. And now they're like 50 years old and they're like checking their likes all day, thirsty for likes, right? It carries on for decades and decades. And so these protection mechanisms become the extreme patterns that we often shame most in ourselves.

These parts of us are so extreme because they're just trying to protect us. They're working really, really, really hard to keep us feeling safe. And when we can see them through that lens, we can feel compassion for them.

And to just open your heart to these extreme patterns and behaviors and see them as protection mechanisms that are just trying to keep you from really tough stuff that you don't want to have to face.

Thank you.

Yeah. I mean, I just want people to get their hands on this book and I think that it would be huge value for them. And there's also, you know, people really like this work and they want to go deeper with it. I have a, in my coaching membership app, I've got hundreds of meditations and workshops and two-minute daily practices and 10-minute coaching practices and talks.

But I also have these 11 self-help practices where I take the reader through the check-ins. So if you're like, I want to check in with my anxious part, but I don't know how to do it on my own yet, Gabby can do it with me. And so I can take them through this check-in process. It's a really cool thing. Or I can do the body parts, like checking in with your body parts if you're having pain or

any kind of emotional distress or something like that. So yeah, that's it. That's just my website, deargabby.com.

Yeah.

It's nice to meet you.

Totally new friend. I also want to thank your perfectionist part because I think that your perfectionist part did a really nice job creating this space. Don't you think?

Like we all have the- My husband has a perfectionist part and he's really good at interior design. And I think that that's a quality that a lot of decorators have.

It's like, let's just fine tune everything.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And so with IFS, we can start to bring self, which is that part that these women would speak about. They would say, oh, well, sometimes I feel calm and sometimes I feel compassionate. That's just myself. That essence, that Buddha nature, the God within us, the love within us, the compassionate connection, it's like an inner parent, is always inside of us.

And self just has been blocked by these protectors. And so through the practice of IFS, we dismantle and calm and settle the protectors so that self can emerge. And in my book, what I'm doing is making this therapy self-help. It is not an IFS book, it's a self-help book, but now you understand why it's called self-help, right? Because when self emerges, self can help these younger parts.

And every time you check in, you expand your connection to self. And the more you trust in self, the more empowered you feel because you're not trying so hard to stay alive. You actually know there's safety inside and self can help.

And I did that through a four-step process, which we can work on today.

Yeah.

There's no bad parts, yes.

Well, I feel like I have a lot of self energy right now with you. So I'm curious about you and I'm calm. here in this beautiful space with my rose tea. And I feel connected to you. I feel like a really nice connection in the room. And I have a lot of confidence. I'm extremely confident right now. I'm really proud of myself. I have a lot of courage in this point in my life.

I'm just like, probably if you were to ask me, Gabby, what are you most proud of? Is my courage to have gone to the really dark places and to really tough stuff and to have healed these tough wounds to come out the other side.

And so as I define the feelings that I have in this moment, and as I sit here and I imagine that you can feel that presence with you, it's not like you're sitting here and you're like, ah, she's bullshitting me, whatever. She says a nice, saying some nice things. I think you feel that, right? You feel that I'm calm in your presence and I'm connecting and

I have a lot of courage to just show up and confidence to be in the room. That energy is self-energy. And so we all have that energy. It's within us. It's around us. It's our true nature. And that energy, oftentimes most people only have fleeting moments of that energy.

Maybe in Shavasana or maybe after a long run or maybe after a really deep therapy practice and they feel so much compassion for these parts of themselves. And these are fleeting moments. And most of the time, the majority of people are just living from these protectors to protectors. Like something gets triggered, they go into a protection mechanism and they run to the refrigerator.

Something else gets triggered and they start, you know, people pleasing or something else gets triggered and they start controlling everything. And we live managing our lives all day long. And when we're in these managerial roles, we don't have access to this calmness and this presence that I can have with you right now. And that connection and that creativity, it's very childlike.

Like if you hang out with Dick Schwartz, who's founded IFS, he's been doing this for so many years. He's like a 73-year-old man. It's like being with like a 10-year-old. Like it's so childlike and joyful. And I know I'm in self when I'm feeling that joy.

You know, last night I had a girlfriend looking at me and we were at dinner and I was looking at the menu and I was like, I think I want the tacos. I was like, but I definitely want the abuela chicken soup. And I was like, I definitely want that sopa. And I was going so excited about it. We were just like speaking in Spanglish and I was just having the best time.

And she looked at me and she goes, Gabby, you're having so much fun. She's like, it must be so fun living your life. And I said, I can say that I'm having a lot of fun now, but it took a long time to get here.

And so through the journey of identifying these protector parts inside myself and offering them the gentle inquiry and getting to know them and offer them connection and compassion and curiosity through the journey of IFS and many other modalities, spiritual practices and different therapies, but particularly IFS, I've been able to help these parts of myself become less extreme.

And as they are no longer in that managerial role of trying to control everything, they can relax and in that relaxed state, self can emerge. And so the best way to define self is just to offer it to you here and say, well, how do you feel hanging out with me right now? Self begets self.

It's so good to be here. I think I have died and gone to podcast heaven with my rose tea. If anyone could just like catapult themselves into this room, it's fun.

Right?

Yeah.

That's right. For sure. And self ignites self in others, right? So if I had showed up here and I was like all frazzled and, you know, kind of freaking out and like, you know, trying to control the setting and being a little bit, maybe how I might've been three years ago or something, right? Because I was into many other parts then. I would have pulled it off. I'm a professional.

I would have gotten into connection, but it might have taken me a little bit longer. And maybe you would leave with a different experience of me and maybe the greatest virtues of you might not even have been able to develop because we are always vibrating at each other's access to self. And when you're around people, then they're in that energy of self. You feel calmer. You feel more creative.

You feel more confident. It just has a ripple effect. It's beautiful.

Yes, my friend.

My journey was I used IFS in my trauma recovery and my sober recovery. It was a therapeutic practice that I had that my therapist was using with me. And then I went on to get trained in the model because it was just so awesome. It had done such a great gift. It had done such a service to me. And so I became trained in it.

My journey was I used IFS in my trauma recovery and my sober recovery. It was a therapeutic practice that I had that my therapist was using with me. And then I went on to get trained in the model because it was just so awesome. It had done such a great gift. It had done such a service to me. And so I became trained in it.

And then it was very clear to me as I was preparing to write this next book that this book had to be about democratizing this therapy because not everyone's going to have the access to therapy or the desire to go that fast and that deep or the commitment to it or the time or whatever their story might be.

And then it was very clear to me as I was preparing to write this next book that this book had to be about democratizing this therapy because not everyone's going to have the access to therapy or the desire to go that fast and that deep or the commitment to it or the time or whatever their story might be.

And so my job as the translator and the demystifier was to take this very big, very important body of work and make it self-help. And so here we are. It is a four-step practice that addresses these young wounds within us. So you know this. You've spoken to this in your own words. We have these experiences from our childhood that are too extreme for the child part of who we are to actually manage.

And so my job as the translator and the demystifier was to take this very big, very important body of work and make it self-help. And so here we are. It is a four-step practice that addresses these young wounds within us. So you know this. You've spoken to this in your own words. We have these experiences from our childhood that are too extreme for the child part of who we are to actually manage.

Our brain can't handle it. We don't have the ability. We have no idea how to manage these extreme emotions. Yeah. without a proper caregiver to help us move through that naturally, we become burdened by it. And it becomes a belief that's so scary to face and the beliefs and the feelings and the trauma and the shame and the inadequacy becomes too scary to actually ever touch.

Our brain can't handle it. We don't have the ability. We have no idea how to manage these extreme emotions. Yeah. without a proper caregiver to help us move through that naturally, we become burdened by it. And it becomes a belief that's so scary to face and the beliefs and the feelings and the trauma and the shame and the inadequacy becomes too scary to actually ever touch.

And so we just shut it down. And the way that we shut it down is with all these different protection mechanisms. So, you know, even as a little kid, right?

And so we just shut it down. And the way that we shut it down is with all these different protection mechanisms. So, you know, even as a little kid, right?

Like maybe, you know, it's like bullying so that you don't have to feel like you're not good enough or starting to judge other people so you don't have to feel inadequate or perfectionism so you can feel like you're being seen or overdoing it so that you can have that attention that you desire and long for. And these become these protection mechanisms that we use from... childhood to the present.

Like maybe, you know, it's like bullying so that you don't have to feel like you're not good enough or starting to judge other people so you don't have to feel inadequate or perfectionism so you can feel like you're being seen or overdoing it so that you can have that attention that you desire and long for. And these become these protection mechanisms that we use from... childhood to the present.

Okay. So those little parts of us, like my controller part or my rageful part, these parts of me have been around for four, you know, 45, you know, 40 years. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Because I've, I've lived the experience of these, these repeated behaviors. Right. So that's, what's called protector parts is the repeated behavior.

Okay. So those little parts of us, like my controller part or my rageful part, these parts of me have been around for four, you know, 45, you know, 40 years. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Because I've, I've lived the experience of these, these repeated behaviors. Right. So that's, what's called protector parts is the repeated behavior.

And at the time I was running a business here in New York City where I was representing nightclubs and really in the scene and really thinking that that was what life was about, right? Yeah. seen having president on my business card, getting past the velvet ropes, like just the bullshit. I was also 25, 20 years old.

And at the time I was running a business here in New York City where I was representing nightclubs and really in the scene and really thinking that that was what life was about, right? Yeah. seen having president on my business card, getting past the velvet ropes, like just the bullshit. I was also 25, 20 years old.

extreme behavior that we act out with on a day-to-day basis to protect ourselves from the impermissible feelings from our past.

extreme behavior that we act out with on a day-to-day basis to protect ourselves from the impermissible feelings from our past.

So the four steps are about letting this energy of what's called self with a capital S. And so some folks might think of self as their God within them or their Buddha nature or their spiritual essence or their inner guidance system or intuition.

So the four steps are about letting this energy of what's called self with a capital S. And so some folks might think of self as their God within them or their Buddha nature or their spiritual essence or their inner guidance system or intuition.

And in IFS, self is these C qualities of curiosity and connection and compassion and courage and commitment and knowing that you are just in that essence of love. And that is an essence that we all have.

And in IFS, self is these C qualities of curiosity and connection and compassion and courage and commitment and knowing that you are just in that essence of love. And that is an essence that we all have.

It's what we're born with. It's who we are. It is our true nature. And the practice here is about helping these younger patterns, these protector parts, remember that self is there and make that connection.

It's what we're born with. It's who we are. It is our true nature. And the practice here is about helping these younger patterns, these protector parts, remember that self is there and make that connection.

So the first step is to maybe identify that there's a part that you have that maybe like, have you ever said like, oh, a part of me gets really freaked out when so-and-so does X, Y, Z or whatever. Right. You know, or a part of me gets really controlling at work or whatever the story might be. And for those of us who are trauma survivors, you know, we have a lot of parts.

So the first step is to maybe identify that there's a part that you have that maybe like, have you ever said like, oh, a part of me gets really freaked out when so-and-so does X, Y, Z or whatever. Right. You know, or a part of me gets really controlling at work or whatever the story might be. And for those of us who are trauma survivors, you know, we have a lot of parts.

And so they're protecting us and becoming aware of that or just becoming aware that maybe you have a feeling or a sensation that is undesirable in your life.

And so they're protecting us and becoming aware of that or just becoming aware that maybe you have a feeling or a sensation that is undesirable in your life.

And so when you notice that trigger and you notice that you want to respond to that trigger by acting out or lashing out or whatever it might be, the first step is to choose to check inward, to check in rather than check out.

And so when you notice that trigger and you notice that you want to respond to that trigger by acting out or lashing out or whatever it might be, the first step is to choose to check inward, to check in rather than check out.

Right.

Right.

It would look like raging or drinking or binging or whatever it is. Yep. And so choosing to check in is the operative word choice, right? It has to be our choice to do the work. Yeah. So choosing to check in. And then when you do that, you just focus your attention inward. And you just notice inside what, and do this with yourself right now as I talk to you. You don't have to say anything.

It would look like raging or drinking or binging or whatever it is. Yep. And so choosing to check in is the operative word choice, right? It has to be our choice to do the work. Yeah. So choosing to check in. And then when you do that, you just focus your attention inward. And you just notice inside what, and do this with yourself right now as I talk to you. You don't have to say anything.

Just think about a part that's pretty active. You know, there's stuff that's going on. Yeah. And so just think about that part that might be up right now and just choose to check in if you feel called. Mm-hmm. And just become a little curious about that part of you. So where does it live in your body? And you don't have to respond just for yourself. Where does it live in your body?

Just think about a part that's pretty active. You know, there's stuff that's going on. Yeah. And so just think about that part that might be up right now and just choose to check in if you feel called. Mm-hmm. And just become a little curious about that part of you. So where does it live in your body? And you don't have to respond just for yourself. Where does it live in your body?

And what does it feel like? And what do you know about it? You can say to the part, you know, how old are you? How long have you been around? Oh, wow. Yeah. And also just getting a little bit more curious, you can, you know, say, show me any images or some kind of story or thoughts that might be associated with the part. You could ask it to speak to you.

And what does it feel like? And what do you know about it? You can say to the part, you know, how old are you? How long have you been around? Oh, wow. Yeah. And also just getting a little bit more curious, you can, you know, say, show me any images or some kind of story or thoughts that might be associated with the part. You could ask it to speak to you.

Yeah. And then the third, once you feel a little bit connected to that part, which I even noticed that you got that connection, you can connect even further by saying to the part, compassionately connect and ask that part of you, what do you need? Yeah. And then you'll hear often the part where we'll say, I need a hug or I need to rest or I need to dance or I need to play or I need to be seen.

Yeah. And then the third, once you feel a little bit connected to that part, which I even noticed that you got that connection, you can connect even further by saying to the part, compassionately connect and ask that part of you, what do you need? Yeah. And then you'll hear often the part where we'll say, I need a hug or I need to rest or I need to dance or I need to play or I need to be seen.

That is important at that time, I suppose. But for me, it was a blessing that I hit such a hard bottom so fast because my drug of choice was cocaine. So using cocaine will take you down. And thank God I was using it then and not now. I mean, I would have been dead. Definitely would have been dead. Yeah. So that drug took me down.

That is important at that time, I suppose. But for me, it was a blessing that I hit such a hard bottom so fast because my drug of choice was cocaine. So using cocaine will take you down. And thank God I was using it then and not now. I mean, I would have been dead. Definitely would have been dead. Yeah. So that drug took me down.

It's taking care of that inner child. You're giving it the attention that it always wanted.

It's taking care of that inner child. You're giving it the attention that it always wanted.

And then the last step is really just a nice step. You can just check for those C qualities of self. Like, do you feel a little bit more calm?

And then the last step is really just a nice step. You can just check for those C qualities of self. Like, do you feel a little bit more calm?

Do you feel courageous? Do you feel more connected? Yeah. Do you feel curiosity?

Do you feel courageous? Do you feel more connected? Yeah. Do you feel curiosity?

That's right. Yeah. So those little inner children, that's the language you want to use. That's totally the same thing. Those little inner children are very blended with who we are as adults. And when we get triggered, we become them. Right. We can, you know, if you've ever like had a fight with a spouse or you just like lose your shit. Right. And you just really was that. Yeah.

That's right. Yeah. So those little inner children, that's the language you want to use. That's totally the same thing. Those little inner children are very blended with who we are as adults. And when we get triggered, we become them. Right. We can, you know, if you've ever like had a fight with a spouse or you just like lose your shit. Right. And you just really was that. Yeah.

You've already said to yourself, like, whoa, who was that? Yeah. That's a part. Yeah. I've been there.

You've already said to yourself, like, whoa, who was that? Yeah. That's a part. Yeah. I've been there.

I can say right here, right now, 45 years old, I am not fully healed, but I feel fucking awesome. I love that. And I have devoted my life to undoing the fears of my past so that I could live in the light and the love of who I am.

I can say right here, right now, 45 years old, I am not fully healed, but I feel fucking awesome. I love that. And I have devoted my life to undoing the fears of my past so that I could live in the light and the love of who I am.

And in the devotion of myself. And then, of course, in the devotion of my readers. And if you asked me if I was sitting here two years ago, I wouldn't be saying the same thing I'm saying right now. Even a year ago, I wouldn't be saying the same thing I'm saying right now. I'm a constant evolving transformation. But right now, I am actually really living in the miracle. Okay, you're my goal.

And in the devotion of myself. And then, of course, in the devotion of my readers. And if you asked me if I was sitting here two years ago, I wouldn't be saying the same thing I'm saying right now. Even a year ago, I wouldn't be saying the same thing I'm saying right now. I'm a constant evolving transformation. But right now, I am actually really living in the miracle. Okay, you're my goal.

This is going to sound like a broken record, but I would check in with the part of me that's affected.

This is going to sound like a broken record, but I would check in with the part of me that's affected.

So I would do that exact four-step process where I'd be like, okay, what part of me, I noticed that I'm super affected by this comment or whatever it might be. I'm going to choose to check in. And then I would get curious, like, what do you want me to know? How long have you been around? Any images? The same thing. And then I'd say, what do you need? And then I'd notice the shift because

So I would do that exact four-step process where I'd be like, okay, what part of me, I noticed that I'm super affected by this comment or whatever it might be. I'm going to choose to check in. And then I would get curious, like, what do you want me to know? How long have you been around? Any images? The same thing. And then I'd say, what do you need? And then I'd notice the shift because

The activated parts of us, the things that get activated are usually because of a childhood wound, right?

The activated parts of us, the things that get activated are usually because of a childhood wound, right?

I might not give a shit about somebody talking shit about me in social media, but maybe you would, or I'm doing that, not us, but like, or like I might lose my mind if somebody like says that they're not going to like do the thing I want them to do, but maybe that would blow off your shoulders. You know what I mean?

I might not give a shit about somebody talking shit about me in social media, but maybe you would, or I'm doing that, not us, but like, or like I might lose my mind if somebody like says that they're not going to like do the thing I want them to do, but maybe that would blow off your shoulders. You know what I mean?

And I, even when I was using, always had stacks of self-help books next to my bed. And I would always be reading spiritual texts and really wanted another way of perceiving the world. But obviously that was the opposite of where I was. And I remember I was at this after hours party right before I got clean. And there's people in my apartment. I was like in this like one room studio apartment.

And I, even when I was using, always had stacks of self-help books next to my bed. And I would always be reading spiritual texts and really wanted another way of perceiving the world. But obviously that was the opposite of where I was. And I remember I was at this after hours party right before I got clean. And there's people in my apartment. I was like in this like one room studio apartment.

So we all have these core wounds that we, when activated, we go into the part would become blended with that part.

So we all have these core wounds that we, when activated, we go into the part would become blended with that part.

The triggers are the sign we need to check in. Yeah.

The triggers are the sign we need to check in. Yeah.

It was like so dingy. Trash was outside the window. It was awful. And I was looking at these people and I'm like, I'm going to be a motivational speaker and a self-help book author. And they were like, nice fucking try. And...

It was like so dingy. Trash was outside the window. It was awful. And I was looking at these people and I'm like, I'm going to be a motivational speaker and a self-help book author. And they were like, nice fucking try. And...

Well, we're all energy. Yeah. And the beliefs that we carry inform our feelings. And our feelings are the energy that we extend. And so if we're on that repeated path of that hamster wheel of the same belief of I'm not good enough or I'm inadequate or no one's going to help me or I'm never going to have the love I want, we're repeating it and repeating and repeating it.

Well, we're all energy. Yeah. And the beliefs that we carry inform our feelings. And our feelings are the energy that we extend. And so if we're on that repeated path of that hamster wheel of the same belief of I'm not good enough or I'm inadequate or no one's going to help me or I'm never going to have the love I want, we're repeating it and repeating and repeating it.

Ultimately, we're feeling it. And that feeling is the vibe. And those vibes speak louder than our words.

Ultimately, we're feeling it. And that feeling is the vibe. And those vibes speak louder than our words.

Because you could meet somebody like we just dropped in you and I today.

Because you could meet somebody like we just dropped in you and I today.

i i realized that because i would look at those books i knew that there was something more for me i knew it i felt it psychically i just i had a call and by the grace of god i made the decision we talked about this earlier it's you know getting sober is about making a decision to choose a different path and on october 2nd of 2005 i asked for a miracle i was like i need a miracle

i i realized that because i would look at those books i knew that there was something more for me i knew it i felt it psychically i just i had a call and by the grace of god i made the decision we talked about this earlier it's you know getting sober is about making a decision to choose a different path and on october 2nd of 2005 i asked for a miracle i was like i need a miracle

It was like we just met each other. We dropped right in because both of us were just sort of, you know, excited to meet each other. We were very disarmed. You know, if if I had come in with like an agenda or I was like having a bad moment from earlier today, like that would have affected that connection that we made when we walked in. Yeah. And so that's the vibe.

It was like we just met each other. We dropped right in because both of us were just sort of, you know, excited to meet each other. We were very disarmed. You know, if if I had come in with like an agenda or I was like having a bad moment from earlier today, like that would have affected that connection that we made when we walked in. Yeah. And so that's the vibe.

It's not just having positive thoughts. The positive thoughts are a step. Affirming how you want to feel is a step. Yeah. But I'll keep coming back to it. I think that, like I said earlier, the real flex is just getting to the inner healing. But that's a small step each day. It's not a huge rip off the bandaid.

It's not just having positive thoughts. The positive thoughts are a step. Affirming how you want to feel is a step. Yeah. But I'll keep coming back to it. I think that, like I said earlier, the real flex is just getting to the inner healing. But that's a small step each day. It's not a huge rip off the bandaid.