Dan Soder

The flip cam was big. Flip cam was the first one I got. I got it in a gift bag from a comedy festival, and I was like, now I can record my sets. Never did it.

It would unchop where you would do the release button, and it would go like...

That's really funny.

He goes, this thing goes the way I want it to? You won't be seeing me around. Won't be seeing me around these parts.

I love that. That's betting on yourself. Give me a six-movie deal here. Why am I not on a lot in Hollywood?

Nah, dude, this is it. This is going to be the one. I just got lightheaded.

What do you mean? Olivia Rodrigo? She's a child.

The latest Sturgill Simpson. Johnny Blues guys. Great album. I think Sturgill Simpson's one of the best artists out there. Yeah, like a little, it's like a bluegrassy country pop. But they're new. Not pop, it's just rock. Sturgill Simpson? Yeah. He's been out for a while. Okay. He's unbelievable. He's won a couple Grammys. He gets shunned by the CMAs unfairly.

But I think he, you know, you go see one of his shows and you're like, this motherfucker puts on a show. Yeah. And I think that's where we're at. There's like people that are really good at publicizing a product and there's people that are good at delivering a product.

Unbelievable. Crazy. Virtuoso. Yeah. Also check out Marcus King. Yeah. Yeah. He's friends with Bert. Yeah. They're always together. Fan of comedy. Yeah. Yeah. I'm buddies with him. Just saw him somewhere. Very talented.

Yeah. Played at the Blue Note or something? Yeah. I did a week at the Blue Note. He's killing it. Yeah. He shreds. He's like, you watch him play the guitar and you're like, holy shit. Yeah. But, yeah, I think, you know, the latest Queens of the Stone Age album that came out last year, Times New Roman. But, yeah, I'm like, I love music. I've never had any talent at it, so I can purely enjoy it.

Shout out to VH1. I was more of a VH1 man in my later years. I took a meeting with MTV fucking years ago.

Well, Chris and Schultz were like the main characters. Them with Little Duvall, Charlemagne, John Gabrus. Yeah, that guy. Jordan Carlos, Melanie Iglesias. There were like a bunch of people on that show that were like common staples. I replaced Julian McCullough. He was on season one and two.

I was on season three and four, you know, like in the white guy position, white tight end, you know, get some receptions. But you're mostly there for block.

Sweet intro, boys.

Yeah, no, no. Shout out to the kid. Yeah, we're putting helmet on chests, dude. We're fucking we're hitting. And and then Matt Bruce, Matthew Broussard, I think, replaced me.

I did one season as an alcoholic and one season in recovery.

Yeah. In my season of recovery, I'm like, what is it? Is it going to be if I say that you share your feelings? Like, those are the interviews.

And then apologizing the next episode. Hey, I'm at nine. I'm sorry.

A comic. I'm giving you cross paws because I feel comfortable. Like a golden retriever by a fire. You get cross paws to start the show.

Dude, I drank so much coffee. And I'd go smoke cigarettes. Call a guy that fought in Vietnam to come back up. Talk to a guy on the phone outside who fucking was in Da Nang. Was that your sponsor? Was the guy from Da Nang?

But we... It was funny, because I really was like... I started being like, this show's not for me. I remember the question. Because they would sit there with the producer, and they would, like, ask you questions.

And they were like... No one's ever done that.

Like, can I take my shoes off?

I know. I'm going to teach you a little about a little company called Viacom.

There was a moment where Andy Stuckey, who I love to death. Shout out Andy Stuckey. He asked me this question, and I think I was just in a mood. And he was like, is it breaking guy code to stretch at the gym? And I went... Let me guess. Half the cast said it was gay. And I go, why is sex on your brain that much if you're worried about stretching?

You'd rather have a blown hammy than fucking worry about looking gay. And Andy was like, all right, dude.

That's exactly it. That was the whole energy where I was like, maybe I should drink. Because when I was drunk, I was like, there is no guy. This guy comes taking care of your bros. I went out drinking with the editors one night. Hey, man, take it easy. We're so proactive here.

He's relaxed. I might show my belly to show you I feel completely safe. Oh, Dan, big stretch. He's most comfortable. Yeah, dude, good to be back.

This is for teenagers. It's a nine-minute show. I go, if you start kissing and you take the condom off and she doesn't say anything, then what is that guy called?

They go, that's a law. He's just breaking laws. I don't even know if you kill a guy and there's no witnesses. You ain't. You break a guy code, you tell the cops.

Yeah.

Viacom does a lunch every year. You get to see everybody. Downtown Judy Brown still doing great. Downtown Judy Brown. Huck's there. Dan Cortez. Oh, Dan Cortez. Tony. Tony. Tony. I loved him in that. What, at Seinfeld? Oh, come on. It was great. I loved him. Good-looking kid, too. MTV Sports.

Da-da-da-hit. I was bad at it. I will tell you right now, MTV News... Was better than any form of modern journalism we currently have.

You're not wrong. What's up, world? Sway? What's up, world?

You know how many stories he broke?

No, the second I saw those typewriter thing, I knew a rapper got killed.

How many times you saw that typewriter thing and they're like, rapper's dead. Yeah.

No.

They should have done that with Irv Gotti. More of a Kurt Cobain kind of guy.

You're naming yourself that. That's pretty good. That is really funny that you name it close to a very other celebrity. Yeah, real name was Arthur. Kurt Cobain? Kurt Cobain.

That is so fucking funny.

I knew it was a setup. He's into trap music. I'm Heave Pinpud. You go, Steve Winwood? No.

Terry Garcia is so funny. No, please call me Terry Garcia.

You're a man's man. Who told you that? Look at that. Look at that. There's some space in there.

I was that red sky, blue martini.

Just absolutely. Pinnacle whipped cream for everybody. Check me at Denim. Oh, my God. You knew bottle girls. Woo! I knew. Yeah.

I knew. That was crazy. Were you heavy into the clubs?

How long did you try?

You worked in the restaurant industry.

I think, yeah, I'm spindly. You do have long fingers. You never played the piano or guitar or nothing? Never. No bass? Tried, dude. I would have fucking killed. Come on. I also only, I know I'd be good at the bass because I know how to move while playing the bass, which is this.

What, like store credit?

Do you mind if I come by at 12 p.m. if I'm having a tough day at work?

Sorry, you know what? We had a real infestation. Your bottle of Grey Goose looks like a science experiment.

You guys got that Barton's they put back there? Are you guys detailing silverware? I've never heard of that. They cork it?

Oh, the size that she lets out where you go, you know what, we're going to get out of here.

Oh, no. So I would show up the next night. You would eat his leftovers? Yeah. You put on a lot of weight since last night. Did they write your initials on the bottle?

And then you just kill it? They're just doing shots. You're just drinking in like a menacing way?

Your coat's still on? You're just sitting there. You go, no thanks, I brought a can of Coke myself. I got a can of vanilla Coke. I don't know if there's a tip on this, do I? Can I eat here?

Oh, thank God. There's a hoagie. You guys mind if I just pull up here at the bar? What's the address? I'm getting something delivered. Hey, you guys mind? Uber Eats is outside.

Holy shit.

Dude, you just pulling up to the bar full winter coat with just the Arizona ice tea. The green tea goes real good with cold vodka.

I just said I need more vitamins. This is like a cold hot toddy. It's a cold toddy. Oh, man, you stink.

I did not know clubs did that.

Yeah, some places you can watch two men fight to the death.

It was the basement of Pearl you could see. There's a lot of things you could see behind closed doors.

But it really is. You see your personality when you go to one of those places.

Me and my friends went to, all my friends I grew up with, we went to a trip all together for my friend's 30th birthday. So I was still like 29. Everyone's 29 or 30. And we go to Miami. And we went to like the Fountain Blue.

And they like waited in line. And there were, I think, eight of us. You go to the pool or the club? Well, everyone's trying to go to the club. Live.

You're a promoter. He's like, do you got two girls you can bring with? I can get you in. But we all waited in line like chumps. And then they were like, we can have six of you go in. And there was eight of us. And I just turned to my friend Zach, who also is now sober. He works the steps. I turned to him and I was like, let's just go to the club. We'll wait for you guys.

And I'm very, the way my face is, I could probably play stand-up bass with a hat. Uh-huh. Yeah. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Yeah. I was just spinning it.

We'll go to the hotel bar and drink, and we just went and got blackout drunk while they went to the club. We just sat there drinking like off-duty cops. That's what I would rather do.

It's fucking dance time for the ladies. The broads are in there showing off. They want to shake their tail feather. We're going to be sitting here getting down to business. I got so drunk I almost threw up taking a shot. That's how drunk I got.

I did a similar thing at Playwrights across the street from Caroline's. I was drinking with Che. I was already drunk, showed up. Che bought me. I bought a Guinness and a shot of Jameson. Double shot. Took it.

felt it coming back up, just casually walked away, walked downstairs, like almost threw the throw up in the toilet, where I was like, bam, like that, came right back upstairs and drank my beer.

Yeah, it really was where I go, anyways, I think the dollar's okay. Yeah.

I know what's going on. You've had 18 drinks tonight.

One of my favorite comedians of all time, Troy Baxley, a Denver local, he used to have this saying where he'd always go, When we drink, you go, oh, that one has corners on it.

And you're like, what a great expression. Uh-huh. I'm sure, you know, I'm sure you heard that in a bar or whatever, but that one always stuck with me. That one went down like glass, I heard. Yeah, you go, oof, that one had corners on it. You're like, yeah, yeah, that would make sense. That's good. Since our esophagus is our cylinder. Worn thin. Yeah, dude, just like, whoa.

I'm not sure of the difference. Yeah. If I have to be honest with you. Aren't they all just violins? I guess. I mean, to me, yeah. Aren't we all just violins? Yeah. I never, but I don't have musical talent, so. Nothing. Nothing. Either one of you guys?

Sorry to blow the door off Viacom.

God, Pinfield family. Hope you're doing all right. Of course.

Great question. Great question. I don't know what it says about me, but we have the Chick-fil-A sauce from the store at home.

Because you should get it retail at Chick-fil-A as well. Oh, okay. I bought it at the grocery store. Wow. Because you light up. It's like seeing a friend at the movies you didn't expect to bump into. Oh.

Oh, what are you seeing?

We can get this here. Hey. And I immediately, I love brand recognition. I'm trash. It's burned into my brain. Uh-huh. I love brand recognition. Love it.

Yeah.

Done. Seven years old? Yeah. Dino nugs? Done. Guess what? Call me a meatier because I'm wiping out all those dinos with that chicken nugget. Put it on a sandwich? That chicken, those chickens, dude, I put it on fries a lot of times.

Yeah, it's Americana.

Because they are holding on to the idea that it's somehow secret. Sure.

I make a better smash burger.

They need you coming back for the fucking cocaine.

But I'm a big fan of the Chick-fil-A sauce, and I'm going to pick up the Whataburger Buffalo just on your tour.

You don't have... Oh, okay.

Oh, you have the... Which is... It was made by Donnie.

He's been working since the 90s.

Have you ever played a song for a lady?

Yeah. Give him the Oscar. You love it. Give him five. You're like, that's fucking unbelievable. Great.

Love that.

Did you, did you, you've gotten pussy from playing the guitar?

Just a guy that goes, is this weird if I say I want you? Hey, I never heard anyone do Wonderwall like that. Can I suck your cock?

Who's writing these questions this week? Blew my fucking mind! How did you open this portal to heaven?

I've never tried that, and that sounds fucking unbelievable.

I waited tables- That's pretty genius. Or is it using all parts of the animal like the great- 100%. Like the Native Americans. Mm-hmm.

My wife does that. She was like Q from Bond.

You'll notice that is some of the dumplings from last night's Chinese food. And I've mixed it with what?

Oh, man. You guys were locked in, huh?

I only got one Wahlberg. That's it all plays. Leftovers, cooking with leftovers is always very underrated and very tasty.

Because the flavor's locked in.

It's very biblical to rise three days after.

So you take the fries, you fucking... You do that before?

Then you put them in the pan, then the butter, the oil. Really sear it up. Get a good char on it. I guess you bitch do a couple flips. Watch that flip with some scramby eggs. Because they've been deep fried. Or I would say over medium so you got the yolk. So then you, oh, I mean, come on. What are we doing? I would even say throw some fucking wall burger buffalo sauce in there.

That's my kind of pumpkins right there. Little pumpkins. If you're walking by that frat house, you go, you hear those queers? Yeah.

I'm going to fucking break this table like a karate demonstration.

Price of eggs comes down. Woo.

It's just like... Gotta go to Fifth Avenue to buy them. Gotta get a dealer.

I'm buying them off of Hasid on 47th Street. He's like, these are real eggs. Real eggs. Right through my chicken. Wanna see it? Hold it. You can't leave the store. Look at that. That's a real egg. And you go, oh, fuck.

You son of a bitch. This is from a pigeon. I wouldn't sell you a pigeon's eggs. It's speckled. Come on. Look at that. It's a robin's egg. Don't you love those around Easter? When your guy comes back.

You son of a bitch. These are a Cadbury tiny egg.

You should be going to the roller rink. Agreed. But there's nothing more badass than breaking a woman's heart and then rolling away backwards. There you go. So I guess that's it for us.

Yeah, dude. I mean, what would happen? How would a jam sesh break out?

Take her shoes.

Now use can't sleeve. Or also wait for the next skate and then fucking.

Chop block. to take her knees out. You just start coming around. Dude, become an equalizer.

You go, little girl, I'm going to give you $50 right now. I need you to do something. Put your helmet on. You're my little torpedo.

Stay tight and low. Don't look up. I need the helmet to make contact with her patella.

Do you trust me?

I go, if I pop your arm out of your socket, it's just because I'm putting zip on the ball.

Yeah, but he might not have seen it coming.

Getting broken up with her doing that.

That's so funny. They love it down there. He goes, I'm getting broken up with. We're doing a drop, squat, clap. I look to my left. I'm in the middle of the routine. I look to my left. Bow wow is there. And then I turn back. She says she's not into it anymore.

I mean, talk about seeing other people. Talk about seeing other people. I would have been very angry if I didn't see it coming. But if you did see it coming and things were on the rocks, don't go roller skating. Don't put yourself in that spot. Even if it's going well, don't go. Don't go on a boat. Don't go roller skating.

Okay.

On a roller coaster or something like that? Yeah. You can't do that. Take him out to coffee like a regular person.

You got to de-lace your skates talking about who's going to stop by to pick up their stuff.

All right, great. What's your name? Spraying him. So I guess you get the dog every other weekend. That's brutal.

Shout out Skate City. Shout out Skate City. I sucked at it. I always sucked at it. I always had to grab the wall.

They did do school, but also kids had birthdays. That's where fucking Mortal Kombat 2, the arcade game, was.

Wait, so you can post up there? You have a spot? That's all I do is I put on skates and I just go between arcade machines. That's pretty good. And they had NBA Jam. I specifically remember. This was on Chambers and Hamden if you grew up in Aurora, Colorado. There's a skate city back there. Still might be active. Don't know. You have eyes on that. But...

it mortal kombat 2 nba jam skate rink hot dogs skate rink fountain soda dude the piece skate rink slushies the pizza the pizza the hot dogs it was it was like um it had flavor it was great dude that's so good the pizza i remember i remember it was like that was also a big day where you would go and you'd be like hey will you skate with me that was like that was like the first dance yeah

Couples kid I watched my friend Tyler tongue kiss a girl for the first time this kid moves quad roller skates They were at was at Skate City cuz it was like kind of like who is he Chaz Michael Michael?

I was just dude I was just a hanger-on and this guy this guy kissed this girl, and I you know the first time you see People French kiss in front of you it looks like they're like transferring souls Yes, it's vulgar you watching your Jesus Christ And she was like the hot girl at the skating rink so you're just like oh Damn, dude, you guys are adults. I'm a little boy over here.

You're like, I'm trying to find out the Bill Clinton code on NBA Jam. These motherfuckers are over here actually being adults. Sure.

It was like that, fuck, I forgot who was doing the interview, but they wrote a sketch on SNL about, oh, Mulaney wrote it for Kenan about a sitcom where Little Richard keeps getting stuck. This feels like a sitcom.

There's no way whoever worked at that skating rink, when you...

When you ordered that pizza.

Nasty work. Whoever gave you that slice. Can I have a plate, please? He went like this. Sure, kid.

I remember it. There's like a pity board.

It was, yeah. He's like, the cash register shut down.

I see it in a thing. It's spinning.

Is Skate City still open in Aurora?

Sweet God.

Dude, that's got to be a front for a cartel.

Come on. Right by where that plane came from.

Did you ever have to, like, did you get good at roller skating? Rollerblading, I could rollerblade.

Horrible. Pretty good now.

Me, too.

Yeah. I just posted up. Me, too.

Dude, come see me. I got a fucking large Dr. Pepper. And I got fucking, I'm forgetting the guy with blades for hands. Blanca. Come see me play Mortal Kombat 2. You're going to be catching a bunch of Blanca. Blanca was Street Fighter 2.

It's like a band's going to come through and be like,

Oh, dude, one of my friends was so good at rollerblading that, you know, I could, like, get around, but he was so good he could do the thing where he would touch his hand because he'd be going so fast. That's crazy.

Hey, our car just broke down.

The thing that always really upset me was when I would be trying to trottle on when I would skate. My friends that would do the thing where they would skate next to me and then turn backwards and talk to me. And I'd be like, what are you doing right now, dude?

Showing me up.

And then I immediately just go, I'm going to get out of here. And then go off to the big circular thing where you sit down on. You're like, I don't want it.

And then my friend Dane would be like, do you want to go get high? And you're like, yes. Skate City, by the way, when I started getting high, when I was like 13 or 14, it became a club.

It was the club. You were fucked up in the club. Yeah. Fucked up. Yeah. No bottle service.

But I kind of feel like the cast member of the sitcom that doesn't know that Foley can go.

I talked about this on my podcast with David Borey because he's from Denver, but there was a 16-year-old. You have max 16. Oh, no. Ours was 16 to 20.

Isn't that weird? That's too weird. That's too weird. That's too much. It's too much, but it was sick.

That's crazy. I think that's crazy, mixing 13 and 17-year-old. 16 to 20, I get mixing. Those 20-year-old guys were crazy. Oh, yeah. Scary. They're men. Yeah.

Or they lived alone. I can just go to my house, and you go, I got to hold up Trish's to sleep.

Manscaped. You guys are probably sponsored. We sure are.

And then it would flip all the way around.

It was.

It's little kid UN.

Watch him as he goes. Loved it. You go, Kevin Ryan. Soon to be your best pal.

Sorry, it was raining. I just ate wet pizza. You eat wet pizza. Is your dad ashamed of you too, bud? Yeah, he goes, I bet not. If I was your dad, I wouldn't be ashamed.

Give me a hug. I went to a 7v7 football camp, and they gave us Gatorade lanyards.

And I had that for like three years. Yeah.

Also, I can run cover too. Sorry, ladies. I can read an offense. I'm up in the hook to curl. You want to find me? You guys like covering the flats? She's like, excuse me? She goes, not if I'm checking down. You go, fuck. What? What's that mean? What? Yeah, well, whatever. Slut. You're probably a lesbian. Good luck munching box. I'm out of here. This broad's real 4-3. I'm out of here.

Fucking deep fade would take care of your stupid offense, your defense anyways.

Just flipping your gate or anything? Sorry, we're only talking 7v7 terms.

No.

All bets are off. You're already having breakfast for dinner. I got to agree. There is no timeline. You're in the multiverse.

Dude, your outlaw persona.

I think you're going out. You want a fucking fried egg sandwich. Grab it with a fucking tall boy. You know, something. It's okay. And you're putting me in the mind of booze, Dan. Sure. I'm not eating for taste. I'm eating for sustenance.

You got to get a good base. I need to put my Kevlar vest on to take some bullets.

Nothing better.

Oh, yeah, dude. I'm three chomps in. I'm saying gear up, boys. Frozen home fries? Chop them up. Chop up those French fries from lunch.

My brother in Christ, I am not looking for the reason. I know this is trash. You're looking to make sure that this is okay that you're trash.

I'm going to be honest. I never liked drinking alcohol with my meals. I've just done it as I've gotten older. Even wine with dinner? Never. Really? On a date, if I was trying to get laid, I would. I love that combo. I didn't care. I would rather have a soda. I'd rather have a feisty.

Because when I was drinking, I was drinking.

I was drinking a drink. I mean, you were running from something, Daniel. My own brain, baby.

Yeah. Do you guys have Sprite? She goes, okay. Two cherries. But that's how it was after I quit drinking and I'd go on dates. What would be the move? Coke. I'd get a club soda. That's the classiest. Club soda with a lime.

It looks like a drink.

I love it. Once I switch.

It's just a guy that's trustworthy. It's just a guy you can really rely on. Lemon, no lemon. No lemon. No lemon. Unless I'm feeling it, you know, then I'll give a little squirt and fucking cast aside. But also, breakfast to dinner, it's weirder if you're drinking orange juice.

Have a fucking beer. Put on some cartoons. Read in the paper. Why don't you wear some footsie pajamas, you fucking psycho? We got those on, of course.

These eyes, these eyes have seen a lot of love, but they never gonna.

Iced tea with it?

You cracked it. Hi-C. Splash of vodka? I mean, we're doing breakfast for dinner. You're making breakfast because those kids ain't coming this weekend.

I mean, screwdrivers were like, get me there fast.

A screwdriver, I would fuck it, dude. I remember I worked in Tucson at this radio station, KFMA. Shout out, KFMA. Shout out. Largest Southwest concert in America. It was awesome.

A lot of qualifiers. I'll keep going down. With bands from the 90s. But I was like 20, and I was working. The big concert Offspring was headlining. And I drank like eight screwdrivers. That's too many. Blacked out. Yeah. Don't remember being on stage for Offspring.

Popoff.

No, it is.

Yeah, dude, take me back. I remember having a crush on a girl in high school. She had a boyfriend, but we made out. Whoa! Homewrecker. Nice. Dude, but it was like I had been waiting for that one. I had been going to her house and listening to music in my car with her, smoking cigarettes, just flirting, knowing she was a taken lady. and then we made out, and I was friends with the guy.

Did the dude know this? I was going to say. He found out. End of friendship. Haven't spoke to him since.

Fireworks. There you go. Fireworks. Made out twice. I went back to her house. Fireworks.

And then she was like, I told my boyfriend. I'm staying with him.

That kind of thing. I was like, huh? You know what you're doing? No, no, no. I think you meant we're in love. And she goes, no, no, no. I'm staying with him. I told him about you. He hates you. All of his friends are gunning for you now. And you're like... He slid the mixtape back into your pocket.

Yeah, I probably could have. Push comes to shove. I probably would have. I didn't want to. I felt bad.

His boys were smoking Newports. I could have punched him in the chest and shattered their lungs. I wasn't afraid of them. But I felt bad. I felt genuinely bad for him.

Did he confront you? No, never spoke to me. Never spoke to me again.

We had 3,000 kids in our high school. Damn. You didn't have to see anybody you didn't want to see. No kidding. Blend in. I was so heartbroken that I drank two... Two pint glasses of Absolute Citron from my mom's liquor cabinet. That's going to be a heartbreak. Everybody had that. With Pepsi.

Pepsi with a lemon. Sounds very refreshing. Oh, man, I'm so glad I get to take you guys back to 2001 Aurora, Colorado, in my garage, in the Dodge Strat-Ass, my car. Absolute Soder. Absolute Soder. And I would do, so I'd take this, I'd take from Papa, there was the, I remember the pint glass was from Papa Do's, the restaurant in Denver.

And I had a Papa Do's glass full of absolute citron and I would go. I just fucking slammed, like, two chugs and then Pepsi, right? Finished one. Felt phenomenal.

Kevin, I am in my garage ripping heaters, car door open. My mom's car is there, so my car door is open, so I'm doing the slide thing into my car, bumping different songs, and then... I'm not proud of this. My friend comes over. I drink a second glass to the point that he's like, this is too much. And then he leaves, and I cried. We were talking about cry smoking.

I cried smoke to Dave Matthews' band. Which one? Crash? You know what it was? It was the Steve Lillywhite tapes got leaked. What?

Dave Matthews Band fans know what I'm talking about. And if you grew up a white guy in Colorado, you probably liked a little DMV.

Well, it became the album Busted Stuff. But before it came out, it was called the Lily White Tapes. There was a song on there called... I don't think you're making those names up.

People are going to follow this, and they're going to go, he's right, he's right. But there was a song on there called Bartender, and I was blackout drunk, and I remember weeping to that and then having the worst 48-hour hangover I've ever had in my life. I would have stayed with the guy, too. She was right. She made the right choice. She's a mom now. God bless her. Sure. You keep tabs on her?

Oh, dude, that was you getting jumped into a gang. That was you sashaying into a gang. The pussies. Yeah. Oh, I got lost there for a second. I thought Tom York was in the room.

Her sister came to my show in Virginia and heckled me. Jesus. And I was like, who are you? She said something about my past where I go, how the fuck does a heckler know that about my past? I would have freaked out.

I used to watch you. She was the little sister, so she definitely was like, I used to watch you outside the window.

And then her and her husband came backstage. Your sister's still a huge dumb whore? No, we actually hooked up in our 20s. Yeah. I righted that wrong. God bless.

Good for you, huh?

It was pretty sick. You didn't tell her the bartender story, did you? No. I acted like it was no thing. I don't even remember this. She let me fuck. She definitely didn't hear the story about I was a pathetic, crying loser.

That's breaking the guy code.

Let the folks know. I got some big shows coming up. When does this come out? Sunday, baby. Sunday. Oh, go birds. Go birds. Fuck the Chiefs. Fuck the Chiefs. Niners are winning next year. Sorry, we're going to have to probably go through you guys next year. Good luck. I am on tour. I got a big announcement coming up about some live dates. Big, huge.

Very, very big announcement, probably at the end of the month, maybe beginning of March. But I am in Huntsville, Alabama at Levity Live, February 20th through the 22nd. Then I will be in California. I'm doing the Balboa Theater in San Diego. Woo! As of now, I'm doing the United Theater March 1st in Los Angeles.

However, due to what's been going on in Los Angeles, there might be a chance we have to move that to the fall. Okay. That might be a chance. I'm not saying it's news. I'm saying if it is news, it's breaking on Are You Garbage First.

Shout out. March 2nd, I'll be at the Palace of Fine Arts in San Francisco. And then March 8th, I will be in Grand Rapids for Gilda's Fest. I'm going to be headlining Gilda's Fest Saturday night, March 8th. DanSoder.com for tickets. I love you guys so much.

One of my faves. Thank you. I love you guys so much.

It's one of my favorite clips I watch on the road on YouTube. Patrice? Patrice explaining why.

White guys clicking to creep.

Dead on. I mean, like a detective.

You solve the case. This is going to drive me nuts, Foley. I have to know. Hold on. I have it in my phone. Go ahead.

No, but I'll get into it.

I was on the road.

I was on the road. Have you ever confused a song for another band for, like, decades?

Yeah. I was on the road with Sagalo, and we were listening to... Shout out to Sag Daddy. Baby Come Back. Baby Come Back? And I was like, oh, it's Hall & Oates. I was sure it was Hall & Oates. It's not Hall & Oates.

A one-hit wonder? That is Hall & Oates. No, it's not. Baby, come back. I feel like he's Hispanic or something like that. Player.

But baby, come back.

I would have sworn it was fucking.

I would like to know that because that would make me feel less crazy. That's pretty good. They do a cover. Who does a cover?

Okay, we're not wrong. So they have done a version of Baby Come Back.

But then when you listen to Player, this is Player. You're like, oh, I never. Sharp looking dudes. Yeah. But they do a better version than all of them. Huh.

Hey, kitty cat. Hey, Mr. Kitty Cat, no disrespect.

This is the most 2Ds conversation possible. I know Sody likes it. Of course.

Ah, man. 90s culture. I'm trapped there emotionally.

I'm back in, dude. WTR. It's a WTR.

I probably would say. You're what, 40? Yeah, I'm 41. So I'd probably say 95. What? 95. Last year, the 49ers won the Super Bowl. They need to unlock me. I won't be free until the Niners hold up their sixth trophy.

And then I'll be like, thank you.

Oh, yeah. Pearl Jam's Porch. Been there. Yeah. It would have been black for me. It was Pearl Jam Release is what it was.

I mean, I'm talking about... Windowless room, smoking cigarettes in the windowless room. No ventilation. Hot box and cigs? Hot box and ciggies. Blackout, 3.45 in the morning.

Nope. Got to open cafe at 10 in the morning. Had to be in my waiting blacks. In the full blacks on the cafe at 10 a.m. And she ain't coming back. And release. And daddy's still dead. And I used to just fucking.

I would apologize.

It was crazy, yeah.

It was, I mean, that's what I miss about drinking is having those nights where you wake up. You know what also I would do? Real trash shit. I got into The Wire right before I quit smoking. So the DVDs, that's how long ago it was.

Shout out Lowe's. My friend that let me borrow all five seasons. Don't think I ever returned them. Sure. Probably owe them some hard media. But I just moved in with Vecchione. My roommate for 10 years. Go birds for him. Go birds. We're recording this before the Super Bowl.

Fuck the Chiefs.

I say that as a 49er fan. The only thing that could bring 49er fans and Eagle fans together is a common hatred of the Chiefs.

I'm going over to Big J's and I was like, I'm totally on board with the Eagles. I watched the 49ers. Michael Che got me a ticket to the Super Bowl last year and I watched the Niners lose in person. Brutal. Fucking horrible.

Yeah, a lot of bear tackles. A lot of holds on Nick Bosa and fucking Fred Warner. Just saying. When I first moved in with Vecchione, you know when you first move in with a guy, you can't really criticize? Sure. It's all note-taking.

Oh, my God. A single-leg takedown would ruin a whole day.

He trains like Batman. You would think that he was out at night cracking heads, saving people. You doing good in school? You all right? Yeah, it's cool, Mr. Vecchio. He's stirring his coffee. How's your mom? Yeah? Seasonal depression clear up?

How's your parents?

We were just starting to live together. And I would watch The Wire when I would come home from spots, and I was drunk. And I would watch an episode, and McNulty would start smoking.

Just light one up. And Vecchione would come home and open the door, and I'd be like, sorry, dude. And watching him be like, You know, after a couple times, he's like, you got to stop doing that. That's crazy. Because I was just smoking in the living room.

But a character heater is wild. You got to meld your brain right. It's like jerking off to porn pretending you're the guy.

With a Jameson. It's like doom. Just wandering around. Oh, no. It's season two. I'm on the boat.

Is that how you did? It was through song?

I love that you really do have like a prospector town brain where you go, well, he's struggling rich.

Holy whistles, piles of money.

That sure could buy some hooch. yeah are you always a sad man but you got all that gold he's like well record record deals aren't really what the same anymore right now what they used to those guys were moving tickets back then yeah they were deals yeah that was nuts people were actually paying attention to shows dude i found a video on my laptop uh from lollapalooza 2013

Yeah, I went to go see Queens of the Stone Age at Lollapalooza in 2013. That's a good-looking guy right there. Love Josh Homme. Jesus. He's my favorite. And I was recording it on my phone, but I wasn't recording the concert. I was just, like, doing kind of like, hey, like... No one was on their phone. Sure.

No one was having their, everyone was just watching the show, like talking to each other, dancing. Getting them going. It was fucking, that was 12 years ago. Completely different. That's crazy.

There was a boat that like, it was like one of those short stack boats, almost like, you can bring it up. I want the clinical version of the boat because I don't get shorts.

Yeah, that was perfect. Yeah, thank you. Really good. I thought Christian Bale was in the room. These are called container ships? Container ships. But doesn't that sound more made up than short stack? Container, I know. It sounds like bullshit.

So this this like this boat went into the bridge. You see it at night. It like shuts the lights off and it fucks it up with people on the road. I don't know. I don't know if anyone died in that.

Yeah.

But everyone likes to go like, oh, terrorist. This was a terrorist attack or whatever. But just like the small jet that almost got hit this time, just like a guy being an idiot. Fucking around. Being like, fuck, fuck, fuck. Dude, is that fucking plane about to take off? Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. It's like coming down and you're like. It's a fuck, fuck.

And someone's just yelling your name in your ear. Going like, Bobby, Bobby.

and then somebody dies yeah have you ever had sex with somebody you didn't want to have sex with i don't know how to answer that you mean like just like i thought like i wasn't physically attracted to or that no but you just knew that they were a little cray cray you know sometimes you're like what's gonna happen once i enter this that's my early 20s brother yeah man yeah yeah i don't know if you've ever been to tucson arizona

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Brother? Brother. Tell me about it, brother. I was living it.

Yeah. I like a larger lady.

Oh, no. Like vastly outweighing me?

I don't think that's physically possible.

Did they have to lower you? My brother hooked it up. Did they have to lower you down into her?

Yeah, it's a hookdown. It's a hookdown. Yeah, yeah, for sure. Yeah, but... She goes, it was like a medical procedure. She goes, I'm going to lay on my back. Then you're going to enter me.

Are you getting like third hand PTSD from these movies?

Through a... Yeah, well, she saw me MC the improv in Tempe. She's eating a bucket of chicken, a nice Saturday night special, and a bad TV comes on, and she goes... My little lover.

You know what? How strong was that grip?

Or walrus. It was a walrus flipper. You know when animal trainers realize that it's out of control? Yeah, dude. Like Bobby gave one of those where he goes, give it back. Okay. We're not playing anymore.

Oh, Jesus. I don't know. I'm over 200, so I would imagine probably over that.

I walk around at 215. Do you really? I would like to be 210.

Yeah.

That's good. Yeah, but nothing extreme. Yeah.

Yeah.

Whoa. And it was just like after a breakup, and it was just sweet season. I just quit drinking.

I quit drinking a couple years before, and then it was just like eating everything.

Yeah, you do. In the hotel room. You're goddamn right. How do you fucking know? Are you a secret sweetie? I'm out in the open with it.

Brother, I live it. It's Easter season. So I'm in knee deep in the shit. They're doing jelly beans. I just picked up two bags of jelly beans. Didn't even mean to. What? Wow. Because you got Jolly Rancher. It's Easter season, so everyone's doing their jelly bean. I got Jolly Rancher and Airhead jelly beans. Wow.

Yeah, because you drink. You're getting all your sugar through the booze. When you cut it, that's when you want that. That's what it is.

I didn't give a shit about sweets when I drank.

Took down a mini bag of Cadbury eggs.

Just fucking landed and thought, why not?

I can't think of something that is more opposite of who I am as a human being. No, I'm saying you won't like it. I have never seen just an insane miss like that. You have zero working knowledge of me as a human being. I know. If you think I'm anywhere close, I have dressed the same like I'm moving since I was 12 years old. Yeah. You don't understand what I'm saying to you, Dan. He's a labor baby.

I would never wear rings. I can't wear a watch. No, he's a labor baby. I have thin wrists. This is information I was not privy to. Well, guess what, brother? Before you diagnose, take a look at the x-ray. I'm sitting right here. I'm a kind of doctor where I don't look at the x-ray. I'm a diagnoser. You go, it's cancer. And they go, is it?

I would be getting in trouble for being funny.

Somewhere where I'd have to be somewhat serious, I would be getting in trouble for trying to be fun.

Honestly, that's way close. You put me on the mic for the fucking flying Giuseppis or whoever, whoever's in sequins going flips in the air, and I get to build a tent? Yeah, he killed it. And then I make a mistake. Yeah. And then a couple families.

If I got my four roses, you know, my little flask of whiskey and my traveling jacket. Fuck.

You underestimate Shane. Yeah. I knew him before. So he was deep in hot chicks before? Before he got bit by the radioactive spider and he became Shane man. Okay. Dude, he's charming. He's low-key a cutie pie.

Yeah.

And I'm going to tell you right now. I used to go with Shane. Shane used to go on the road with me and feature for me. And when we would go to like Boston or something like that, Boy would, we were both single, boy would clean up. Yeah. Because the ladies would be like, ooh, I want me a pale daddy. Right. And he'd be like, shut up, you're gay. And they'd be like, ooh, I need them freckles.

You don't want that smoke. You wanna start this war, dude? You are calling on, you're yelling at a cloud. He picks me up. You're yelling at a thunderbolt. Like a little boy.

But let's both be. Hey, Bobby, I'm down, but let's make this cool on all of us, all right?

This is like trying to negotiate. We're all going to be cool. We're going to be cool. We're all going to be cool. We're going to make a point we can all agree on.

No, we had fun. Was it when I hurt my lip? You hurt your lip, but you were gone. I didn't see you. That's hilarious. I texted you. I'm one of the only people that texted you. When you called me as Ralph Barbosa- I picked up and I said, I was one of the only people that texted you. Okay.

No, no, no. Bobby?

Than me?

Yeah.

Yeah. Is it true? Probably not. You know what? I don't care because that kind of loyalty. Yeah, that's where it is. Fuck the truth. I'd rather have that kind of loyalty.

Honestly, I think gummy sodas kind of suck.

Yeah, absolutely. Strong jaw, looking like I'm just getting big gay rods stiff.

Yes, Andy.

I'm just going to say it right now. It shouldn't be illegal to eat a homeless person's ass. It should not be.

Yeah.

I'm trying to make a new form of hooch. He's reading Dostoevsky. He's like, man, Raskolnikov really did have to murder that lady.

Yeah, they're all in the tunnel. Yeah, where do they go in the tunnels? Honestly, you don't know. It's like a crisp fall day, and then they're just, where are they? And then it gets hot, and then you're like, oh, I can't walk my dog. Maybe they're frozen and they thaw. That might be. You go, seasons are changing.

Yeah.

Please don't do this. Everything's fitted for a reboot right now. Dude, thank you so much. Honestly, tell me Bobby Lee and the Brendan Fraser role. You would be a great Encino Man. You as the new weasel.

let's go um this okay let's talk about what they should remake ah yeah okay we talk about what movies they should i'm gonna go down the same line of where we already are one of my favorite movies that's underrated airheads i fucking would love a new airheads but how do you do airheads radio doesn't matter anymore podcasts oh they like they like take over i never saw i never saw airheads

But they're the bad guys. The good guys are the bad guys. They're like idiots. They take over the radio station.

I mean, let's do it. What about remaking... Gremlins. Love it. How about one and two? Give me the whole franchise. Start with one. Yeah, start with one. I'll tell you right now, I'm so geeked up.

Honestly, if they ever do a reboot and you're not voicing the Mogwai, someone's missing big. I want to be the Mogwai.

Do kids get in trouble in the woods? Did you see the lady in Georgia that got arrested because her son walked like half a mile to a store? Yeah, I saw that. Insane. Insane. Ten years old. She was charged, right? Yeah.

Amazing. They call that free-range parenting now. What? When you just let your kid be a kid. When you're not helicoptering anymore, now it's called free range. I ran away from home for a week. I'm not kidding you.

Dude, I had a friend that didn't have to check in with his parents to sleep over. Just could just do it. He could fucking, he could turn the key and launch it himself. So random. You go, you want to sleep over? He goes, yeah. You going to call her? He goes, what for? I don't want to bug them. Yeah, I don't know. I think they probably.

Yeah, absolutely. Do you know there's kids that are like, they're giving Ozempic to like fat kids now and you're like, no, no, no. You're not going to have funny people when you grow up.

Right. Let them be fat and weird and awkward. Anguilless. Dude, you want that smoke.

Honestly, I'm trying to agree with everything you're saying.

Just write that? Thank you, dog. Did you fucking? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Did you just spit that off the top of your bar?

And honestly, I love it. It's like holding a cat with its claws out. It's still sweet, but I'm trying to keep you away from the problem areas. Oh, yeah?

I'm telling you we hold council with the man. Okay, good. Hold council.

That's not something you should say. You're right. You're right.

I'm curious now. He said you wanted another king. Another king.

Of all weeks.

Honestly. It's going to be great. I just, I feel like a fur trapper that's come out of the mountains and told you like, you don't want that war. Dude, you think that's ghillie. I'd give you some Sam Elliott knowledge right now and say, Bobby, sometimes you eat the bear. Well, sometimes the bear eats you. That's not funny. That's not funny. Yeah, the way you said it.

I'm going to tell you right now, you moonwalking son of a bitch. Oh, I moonwalk, brother. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I do. That might have saved you.

Is that really your laugh? Yeah, that's how I laughed. That made me laugh.

That good a comedy and that good a person. So you got a two for two. Oh, my God. You feel it now, huh? You know what, though? Yeah. At least you're reflective of it. And the accountability.

Bro.

You know what, man? Honestly, they won't be able to find me in Vermont if I stay off the internet. Yeah.

Yeah, this is when the music changes. This is when the music changes on the dock.

Stings get slowed down.

Okay.

No, stop. You are entering a new phase in life where you are taking ownership.

If you watched a trial with that kind of admit where he goes, I'm sorry I killed her. But am I sorry I killed her? Not really. But I am sorry that I did it. I felt it and I'm fine for feeling that.

When did you notice it? Like what was the worst day so far? Like today?

That actually explains a lot. You know what? That is it because you're aggressive. You're being very aggressive. I'm being very aggressive right now.

You're a little full.

Dude, I just realized it. The reason I tried to fight you in that bar was because I have a boner. I'm just pumped out of my mind.

It's good, dude. Is it like... Have you had Frank Pepe's in Connecticut?

I don't know.

They're trying to make it that... They're trying to make us... Is Hartford there? In Connecticut? Yeah. Yeah. But Frank Pepe's is in New Haven.

Oh, damn.

Frank Pepe's. It's very good. Okay. But do you think, so far, do you think Pizza Bianco was the best you've ever had?

Let's rank. By the way, in Los Angeles, I go to Kettle Glaze every time I'm here.

And I went and picked up a half a dozen.

Wow.

Oh, are they like a busy donut? A busy donut, yes. Here's what I like about this. Kettle glaze goes like this.

Not like we're a donut wearing a fruit hat.

I'm in. I'm in harder.

I don't care.

Or it's like, it's un time.

Ooh, bitch. Yeah, those pictures, Bobby. You're right. This is it. Are you being sarcastic? No, I'm being a whore. 100% for real. I'm telling you. You showed me that first fancy shit. I don't want that. This is, yes.

Also, the way they do their pizza, it stays more like a pizza. Domino's, they overload you with the fucking dough and the cheese. And your swearing is right for that.

What, do you have cricket? You have a cricket phone?

I just like the $5.

Go to Western. My buddy Matt's kid just- I haven't seen Little Caesars in forever. My buddy Matt's kid just tried it for the first time last week, and he was like, he says it's the best food he's ever had in his life.

But what if you guys had a little Caesars pizza party and it was brought to you?

Say when on the tree bark. They're doing it like it's truffle.

This is some oak. We're just going to shave it onto your... Yeah.

They didn't even take a bite? Yeah. I would see myself getting very upset about that.

Exactly, dude. Yeah.

Yeah, what am I, pregnant?

Benny B.?

Do you think it's like when you get a Guinness in Ireland? It's just better?

That's true. They clean out their lines.

You know, I was the- Guinness King? I was the brand ambassador.

Yeah, that's what got me out. You know Julian McCullough? Yeah, I know him. He did the Guinness brand ambassador thing, and then he quit drinking, and they were trying to find a new one, and he's like, you should have my buddy Soder do it. Can I talk about him?

Yeah.

No. No, I was just saying, I got to go to the, I got to like go, they flew me to Dublin and I got to like, I had to drink Guinness for like two years. The best. And by the end, I was like, get this mud water out of my fucking hand.

Watch you come back and it's just.

He is?

Are you saying he lost his look? Something happened. Did you fall out of love with him? because he's still handsome. Maybe you fell out of love with him.

Dude, Bobby's like Tim Gunn. He's like, what are you, fat bitch? Yeah. Look at this gross pig. I loved it. Ew. What a fantastic. Julian rules. He's so funny. He's very, very funny.

And thanks for giving me the brand ambassador job in 2011. Thank you, Julian. I got to quit waiting tables because of it. Wow. It was pretty sick.

I mean, changed my life. I bought a laptop. I didn't own a laptop from 2007 to 2011. Slow down. Is Joe Monterey still around? I don't know. You know him? Yeah, I know Jim. Joe Mattarese.

Yeah, you didn't want to, yes, you didn't want to damage it.

I was like, keep her in good shape. No, only emails and videos.

Yes. That's how I felt about my iPhone. First time I got an iPhone, I'm like, I'm watching porn on this thing.

Honestly, at the buzzer, nailed it.

Yeah.

Feels good. Thank you. By the way, Bobby, I'm sorry. Easy fucking answer, dude. Just like the way you described me. So rad. You went, the worst thing with me is me trying to be confident with myself. Yeah. It's hard to, I know. You can shit on me all you want. Bring it on, baby. Yeah. We can have fun. But the second you go like, good job, I go, how's this fucking? It's the hug and stepbrother.

Why are we like that? It's the hug and stepbrothers. Because it's what, you just said it earlier. It's the bullying that made you funny.

I've told this story before on the regs, but I was working the blue room in Springfield, Missouri. And I drove from Kansas City to Springfield and I had a bunch of texts and people were like, They're like, dude, the club's running a special where if they buy tickets to you, they're entered into a raffle to see Matt Rife. And like so many comics texted me, screen grabbed it and sent it to me.

They're like, wow. really yeah they're like same audience they're like they're like hey buy tickets to this fucking ogre and then maybe you can see matt rife and it worked it worked wow yeah my ticket sales were dog shit and there were people there and it was it was wild that's like where you're like oh so you guys are running around okay and then when it really happens you go

That's a full circle moment, though. Taping your special in Minneapolis.

And honestly, that Jamba Juice is doing some heavy lifting.

I'm getting an orange dream machine, and then I'm going upstairs.

Edmonton's great. Now, that's where we might differ. Oh, you got clipped out there. There might be a reason why I don't use them as a club chain anymore. Oh, I fucking, you want to talk about one of my worst weekends of my life. Yeah. Was the, that fucking club house of comedy in Scottsdale. Scottsdale. Scottsdale. Cause you know, it's North Scottsdale.

It looks like, dude, at a point it looked like a moon base when you drive up and you'd be like, there's nothing. It looks like Mars. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I just ate shit every night. So bad. Is that 12 years ago again? Yeah, it was 2013, 2014. Wow, wow, wow. I think the Edmonton happened like 2016, 2017. This is like 2014.

I remember specifically I called Gary Goldman, and Gary Goldman was like, just do your best stuff, keep your head down, get through the weekend.

Because it was just fantastic.

I also have like some resentment for Arizona because like you went to school there.

You know, we both went to school there and you kind of come back and you're like, you weren't that nice to me.

Yeah, you go like.

You're like, I couldn't get pussy for sure. shit at this school. And now I'm coming back and being like, but I'm doing a show in Tucson this fall. I'm very excited. I haven't been back to Tucson in like fucking years.

No, no, no, no. I don't know what venue we're doing yet, but we're setting it up.

No.

That's awesome.

Well, he was fucking... I want to do the Rialto because that's where I saw Chappelle in Tucson.

During the Blackzilla season one of Chappelle's show. It was a fucking... Wow. Without a doubt, one of the greatest live stand-up shows I've ever seen in my life. Guy did like 70, came back out, did 20 encores. Get fucked. Get fucked. Ripping it. I hate that.

So Richmond, Virginia. I'm going to be at the Funny Bone April 4th and 5th. And then in Spokane Comedy Club, May 1st through the 3rd, we got a big announcement coming up with a bunch of shows that I'm going to hopefully be dropping very soon.

That are not listed.

No.

I'm doing like a tour.

No, by myself.

Big boy shit.

Put on some big pants.

Thank you for being a bad friend.

Yeah, dude.

I love you, too.

Bullshit. That is 100% in your head.

You're just in the middle of chaos.

No, no, no. I want to dick lock with you. First off, I'll dock with you all day. He will. I'll go get foreskin put on my penis in order to dock you. Wow. I'll do whatever the reverse. You know what? I believe you. Whatever the reverse.

I'm not saying affirmative. I'm not saying negative.

No.

Yeah.

What a second act. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You just feel like it is. I feel like. Yeah. I feel like it is. Yeah.

I don't know. These plane crashes are crazy how many are happening. There was also an avoided one. Did you guys see the one? We just talked about that just now. Whenever something like this happens, I immediately empathize with the other plane. Just like remember when the bridge in Baltimore where the boat drove into the bridge?

Maybe. Maybe pants on wrestlers. Maybe I'm trying to get it.

What? What?

No.

Am I embarrassing you? You're talking about one time. Yeah. Because you talk about it like I'm in there obsessively doing this.

I was giving him some blonde frosted tips. I'm just saying what happened. And it was Seth Rollins in the shield.

You were jealous.

And here we are.

I think legally they can't go through your notes app.

I think so.

Okay.

You're just going to see a lot of premises that are like... I'm glad this never saw the light of day.

I do it all the time. There never is. No? It's always just like, what is this? What is this? Yeah.

Yeah, because your high brain is like, let's put this somewhere.

I always want to correct my behavior. After I get high, I was like, I was a dick earlier when I just drank coffee and was fired up saying ideas.

I want to go back and edit my old self and be like, hey, you need to calm down. But then sometimes I smoke weed and I go, everyone's mad at me. I should probably get out of here. Everyone's mad.

Four out of five. There were some things that were lacking, but overall, needed to do it, did it, glad I did it. Might do it again, but glad to be back smoking weed.

That's very good weed.

It's really good, man. This weed rules. I would tell you... It's really good.

I love... Katie just dropped me with a finger gun.

I love the Gary Payton, so I'm not surprised that I like Pac-Man because it's done by Cookies. They seem to have their s*** together.

I know Pac-Man Jones is the man, because that weed is .

It's almost like how George Foreman, a lot of people just know him for being the grill, and they're just like, yeah, it's a great grill.

It timed out perfectly me going to college.

Now, I know a Hulk Hogan story that Hulk Hogan said they had a choice. You doing the Trump kiss?

Because it seemed... No, I think it's just a cool new thing to do. Just throw a kiss at someone.

but the rumor was that they had a choice of the Foreman Grill or Spaghetti Maker, I think. That was like a Hulk Hogan story, which most of the time is found out to be not true. I don't know if Foreman was like... like bio picture thing where he was like, hey, this iron just pressed this chicken all the fat out of it. And he's like, George, that's it. That's the grill.

I didn't get, yeah, his eureka moment. I didn't get to see the George Foreman movie that recently came out. Oh, I didn't know there was.

I want to redo the Foreman movie and make it like boxing is the B story.

I would love that.

Yeah. Instead of the knockout heavyweight.

The first hit I took was with Katie on a holiday weekend and she was like, it's a long weekend. You've done very good the last two and a half months.

Did they have like a chorus? Was there like a bunch of mice lined up?

That's so fun. Over each other just for the grill. Yeah, man. I had a college roommate leave salmon on the George Foreman grill uncooked. He was going to grill it, and then he had to go do something, and he was just forgetful to my roommate.

But we just had a Foreman Grill, and I remember I came home after class or something, or, like, maybe even the comedy club, and there was... I was, like, in the kitchen, and I was like, is there something in the George Foreman Grill? And I lifted it, and it was just this, like... You know when salmon goes bad, it gets that, like, weird green color? Oh, my God.

Like, coming from the outside in, and I was like... So I put it in, like, a Duane Reade bag, and... like a plastic shopping bag. And I went and I put it in his room. I hid it in his room for like five days. So if you're seeing this, Amir...

My argument for the second strain is this. We go smoke a little bit of Magic Johnstone. I'm gonna grab a slice of pizza.

Yeah. And so you were like, why not just do it here? So I had a hit. We love watching Pierce Brosnan's James Bond movies because they're horrible. They did not age well.

And Stinger scored a goal. They're down 1-0.

This is not... You're going to be all right. Pablo, we're going to get you through it. Also, think about the magic Johnstone you smoked. Go get it. There you go.

We each took one big hit. I'm going to go back for another hit. I took enough of it.

Pac-Man, we smoked. Pac-Man, we like had a full bowl.

This might start a lifelong obsession with Rocket League.

When I first started dating Katie, she didn't smoke pot. And she was like, I don't really smoke pot unless I play Rocket League.

I guess.

Yeah.

Got it.

Makes sense.

Well...

He brought weed.

I know. I was thinking the same thing. I was like, what if he learns to fly? Pablo's like, yeah, I'm diamond. And you're like, I can't even get past... Pablo, also, if you're ready for more buttons, square can make you like...

So if this is a positive review of Magic Johnston.

Well, I'm interested to get to this Carmelo Anthony weed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Called Mello. Fly off this wall real quick.

That was so fun, though.

There's one minute remaining in the game. Are you enjoying it, though? I am.

It says it's greenhouse cannabis flower and indica hybrid. So it is mellow. They are going for the mellow. There's 40 seconds left in the game. It looks like Katie and Pablo are going to take this home. Pablo's first inaugural game of Rocket League. Katie Nolan, of course, coming with four goals, a hat trick. She's hat trick Zeta-Jones. Ten seconds to go until we move on to Melo.

She hits it off the side of the goal, bounces in front. She gets around, turns herself around, knocks the bot into the ball, who then scores the goal.

Yeah. You used their momentum against them. Good job, mind control. Can I tell you what I like about Mello, just from the looks?

It's just little nuggets. They're just like fun little, hey, he was a nugget. Wow.

Then he broke my heart.

It just hurt. If you're a Nuggets fan, that hurt. We were waiting for a superstar. We got Carmelo. He went to the 2009 Western Conference Finals. Lost because of two key steals from Trevor Ariza. And then you just dismantle the team? You make everyone go everywhere else? I mean, granted, we got some... Wilson Chandler. Yeah, we did. I liked Wilson Chandler. He was nasty on NBA 2K.

I loved Wilson Chandler. But that completely destroyed the franchise for a couple years. We were on the cusp. Now, granted, it did lead to us getting Nikola Jokic and then eventually winning a championship. But I will smoke this weed, still a little angry, at a trade that was forced. When I feel, as a Nuggets fan... It wasn't needed. You didn't need the trade.

We got Fulton. We got... God, we got that whole Knicks team.

Can I tell you the thing that upset me the most? I was waiting tables at the time, and they would play this package when Carmelo got traded, and it was... I'm coming home. I'm coming home. That whole dramatic thing, and it felt like it was just rubbing my face in it where I was like, every time it would come on, I'd be like, oh, he's from Baltimore. Yeah, the Baltimore thing.

While they're kissing. Wild. Such a passionate kiss. Wild.

But he was born in Brooklyn. But you're like, man, it hurt. That trade as a Nuggets fan hurt. That might be the most painful trade of my life.

Yeah, and thanks for letting me smoke weed on it. Took a couple hits. It's an Indica hybrid. It was a good bowl. Tasted good. I would say I enjoyed the taste of Pac-Man, but I also, Pac-Man went first. Well, hold on, pause. Taste of the first weed, the marijuana. I'm sorry, Mario.

So I took a hit and we watched Tomorrow Never Dies and it was beautiful. It was very fun. And then I went and got my hair cut.

Dan, can you roll the... Yeah, this is a wild thing to...

Come on. Get behind that.

We'll be all right.

I don't know. We'll get back to it. I thought everybody would like that little... That's a good working review of...

What did you think of the mellow?

Cheetos showed up on the table. That's a wild move.

That's a wild move.

Sorry, editor.

Yeah. For all of it. This has been very fun. I'm pretty...

No, I like this as your fake ASMR, though. Keep going off on this.

And got out of getting a haircut and noticed that, oh, this is usually when Big Jay and the Bonfire Boys are hanging outside serious. And I called him. He's like, yeah, come and hang out. And Jay has these joints that are little mini joints dipped in keef. You ever seen these?

Please just pan out with just one light on and it's just Pablo on the couch.

Well, Colorado State's taking on a 5-2 Wyoming, so why don't we just see? Why don't we see where that goes?

Anybody playing college football, that video game, knows? Yeah, are you playing it?

You're counting down.

So you're just waiting for the podcast to end. You're like, yeah, some of us got dynasties at home. That's like the new children. Hey, some of us got to get home to ours.

This game was...

It's worth it. All the weight of having to wait for college football to come out, thank you. What a payoff. It's been awesome.

But think about how many tables I didn't break.

Texas that was going to overtime and then it just shut down. The entire game shut down. And my childlike reaction of sadness made me think I was going to lose my fiance because I went, No. No. Like an unfair childlike thing. Like... Hey, no, we're about to go to overtime. But we were. My freshman quarterback was cooking. Do you understand that? Not just dinking and dunking.

I'm talking about 41-yard shots, dude.

I learned how to throw now. I was doing classic throw. Now I have it where you can put touch passes. Yeah, there's some throw. You're feathering. You're feathering that. I got a tight end that is just... Top notch. He's eating this season. He's a senior. He's just eating.

Yeah, because it's canceled.

It was insane.

I was kicking the shit out of Oregon State, at Oregon State, in Corvallis. And I come out going, hey, if this game gets shut down, I'm fucking putting one on them right now. And my running back has 13 carries for 226 and three touchdowns in the first half. And I'm going to run them a lot in the second half.

And it, thank God, what happened is it was shutting down so much, I deleted the game and re-downloaded it. And that worked. And so far, so good. CSU's already a three-star program. We're number two in the country.

I mean... Really, this podcast ends and a dynasty begins. I'm going to move on. I want to get to the playoffs. It'll mean a lot to the city of Fort Collins. and our Board of Regents. Now, do we smoke some Gary Payton and do the SNL goodbye? We stand there with Myrtle. Myrtle comes out, and we're just like, I want to thank so many people. I want to thank Cookies.

And then we put more joint in the joint and then rolled it in joint. And Jay was like, hey, smoke this joint. I was like, I'm kind of back. I'm back. And I smoked a whole joint with them in front of Sirius. And then they were like, all right, we're going upstairs. And I was like, oh no. And I had a very scared subway ride back here.

I want to thank Pac-Man Jones and Gary Payton. I want to thank Magic Johnson, who probably doesn't even know this product exists.

Gary Payton rules, if you can't tell. It's a classic. It's so good.

Okay, so it's 33% THC.

Yeah, the Gary Payton's like kind of like just when you come back to it, you're like, damn, you are very.

Yeah, the mellow was, the mellow I felt, I felt probably the most like in my body.

Yeah. I just know stuff. I would explain it in stoner terms. Like, with the Pac-Man, I really wanted pizza. But with the Magic Johnstone, I really wanted to talk. But with the Mello... I thought of the future and all the college football I'm going to play. And then with the Gary Payton, I wanted pizza again. So what does that say? Where are we going from here to there?

Yeah.

Thank you for bringing all this great weed to our house.

Also, people got cell phones on them, and they could call the cops.

And I came in the house and immediately went, Katie, it happened so fast, but I'm real f***ed up.

Typical dealer comes over, smokes some of it, eats some of your food, plays your video games. Won't leave. This is a story.

Guy's probably wearing a wire.

I don't know, man. Call it the weed, but I'm paranoid. We're being recorded.

Are you guys stealing my weed? Yeah.

Some of it is staying back.

Myrtle can get vicious.

Oh, like, yeah, like something in German. Yeah. And it's just there like a police dog. Right. Because it has to be something that no one else would say.

Yeah. Her activation. Yeah. Right. Ours is the T word.

If we're picking, are you telling us to pick one? I'm telling you to.

That's the real Gary Payton.

Gary Payton thought you had a problem. I was like, Gary Payton was like, sure, tiny lady.

Someone get eyes on her. She might be a little bit of an issue later. Drinking a pint glass of Jack Daniels. Thanks, Gary Payton.

They call you the glove. They call you the glove. They call me the boot.

Dude, I love Gary Payton being like, Katie Nolan f***ing drinks, dude.

And Gary Payton, you make fantastic, lovable weed. Yeah, I would say Pac-Man is a close second. That was a good start. The element of surprise. I didn't expect Pac-Man to be on par. It's just, man, I'm going to destroy whatever's left in that kitchen, Cheetos, pizza-wise.

No. I understand where the confusion is. What I meant is whatever stands in front of me, I destroy. Okay. Basically a food terminator.

Yeah. It's probably going to go Cheetos, pizza, Cheetos, land the plane, regroup.

Swiss cake roll.

Yeah. Dan's like, no, you should save it.

You gotta give Pablo a piece of that.

No, of that Swiss roll. Why does everything gotta be sexual, you guys?

A piece of the Swiss roll. Man, this sucks now. Yeah. This absolutely sucks. Disagree. No, of that Swiss roll. God damn it, I'm going to fight this whole room. I've never thought I'd have to John Wick my way out of my apartment. And the dog's still alive. So that is a win-win. This is a Swiss cake roll from a restaurant called Cafeteria.

High school or college. I got high around 4.30. And I was high the rest of the day without smoking anymore. I was just like smacked.

With this. It's also... Red velvet Swiss cake roll.

Oh, you're supposed to decode it. Then eat it.

Well, now that's poison. Good job, Pablo. Yikes.

Can I tell you what, though? This is a great front row seat of watching someone eat that Swiss cake roll high. And you know what? It wasn't just Pablo. It was Magic Johnson. It was Gary Payton, Pac-Man Jones, Carmelo Anthony. It was all of you guys. You were all there. That's really good.

I suspected that. It's the greatest moment of my life.

It's like a speech at the end of a movie. And what I want is sitting right here next to me.

Yeah, dude.

It was. I went through so many emotions. First off, I got my haircut. Getting high.

You just go, no, no, no, put it all back. But then I got here and I was like, I'm going to take a shower because a high shower rules. And we ran out of hot water.

Yeah, and it was a good shower until the water went cold, and then it sucked.

But it was great. Overall, experience, 7 out of 10.

Don't know if I'd do it again because of the subway ride. I'm so high I didn't know which arm to grab the bar with. Like, does this look normal?

Or you don't know when to move when people get off the subway and how to get back into your position. It's a delicate dance that you forget. And then when you're high, you see all the steps.

I'm back.

The bag of Cheetos and pizzas in the kitchen. Yes. Your magical satchel next to the chair.

Are you going to lay it out on the table? I think we should. Yes. Okay.

My favorite strain of weed.

Outside a golden goat is Gary Payton.

Well, we know Gary Payton. Yeah. So maybe— Last? We could do that last, as we know it is very good. Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

Here's the deal. For those of you that don't know about weed, sativa's a head high, indica's a body high. Indica tends to be more mellow, hence why you would call it mellow. Have you guys seen the Pac-Man Jones weed? Now, I know Pac-Man signs off on this because it's through cookies.

Can I tell you right now? That might be the one I'm most excited for.

Oh, I wish.

I was going to prepare the bed for Katie just to land in it.

Man, this sucks now. Right after this ad.

It smells good, guys.

That's an old stoner myth. But I've gone by that since I was a wee boy.

Number one, vase and vase was just information given to me. I have spent my Malcolm Gladwell 10,000 hours smoking marijuana.

I have put in the reps... for marijuana. The vase thing, that's just some bull pulled out the back of my head. This is pretty shaky science, but it's still, it's science.

Myrtle, what do you think? She loves Pac-Man.

No.

Definitely not.

But if you see some of the dogs that she hangs out with at the dog park, say she kind of had a joint in her corner of her ear the whole time. They think she's cool. She wants to do it for the dogs at the park.

I like that because that guy's lung capacity is incredible, and he also pushes therapy, which means... I was going to say, he's depressed, so... That's what I mean. Mentally, he's been places that I'm like, where's your weed like?

Super rare.

Apparently. You wonder if Peyton's got it at home? He's like, do you want some of my hard-to-find Peyton Manning weed?

intellectual property behind oh yeah absolutely i bet it helped his neck too he'd be like i could throw who else so ricky williams has something called the heisman that's the weed i mean we should be doing that that's the weed you want you want the guy that his career took a hit because he was taking hits but you want the ricky ricky williams is i probably that is our

She's been around pots since she was a puppy.

I want to try regular sweet.

You could have been like, hey, I'm getting out of here and go like this. Take that.

Enough to get your head out of the window and blow it out.

But we're going to load a bowl of Pac-Man. Each of us take two hits. Yeah. See how we're feeling.

We do. That will be a six-hour podcast.

Do we want to vote on order right now? I feel like... Snake draft? I figure we go Pac-Man... Magic Johnstone, mellow, close with the glove. Yeah. Because we know how good Gary Payton is. We know it's going to fit. Lockdown. Let's go smoke this Pac-Man Jones.

Yeah.

Here's the myrtle pipe. Myrtle pipe rules.

I did. I did what a lot of potheads refer to as a tolerance break, where you quit smoking pot. I, however, had never done one, so it was my first tolerance break ever. It lasted about two and a half months.

You guys can see. You guys can get the shot. Loved it. Tastes really good.

That was the right move though, right?

And also.

It's for health reasons. For brain health reasons. You're eating.

Just violent.

I know. It's fine.

So violent.

Yeah, we've been together for five years, and I've only seen her have a bad one once.

That was in Nashville. That was nuts. Where do you go bad-wise?

Oh, yeah. We prank phone call Chappelle on Legion of Skanks. You call? No, we prank phone called a Fox News producer that thought Lewis... Jay Gomez had given her Dave Chappelle's number, but he had given her Dave Smith's number. It's on YouTube, and it's part of the episode, but I was just at home playing video games, and they were like, hey, can you call this lady as Dave Chappelle?

And she fucking bit, dude. She bit hard. And it was like, I was trying to just keep talking about how important Lewis was to comedy, but then I would just add different things in where I'd be like,

i've heard he's got a very dangerous foot finish i wouldn't show you toes if i was around him and she was like oh my god i think i was wearing open toad sandals she was talking to chapelle that's great that's amazing do you were you always doing him like i was i mean i'm a massive chapelle fan sure in 2012 at the cellar i got blackout drunk and hung out with him and i i was like

telling him old bits he hadn't done on any specials. And I think it freaked him out. And I've stayed away from him ever since. Ever since then. Because I felt that moment where I was like, I think, I think this is a lot. Too much. I was like, do you remember, you used to, the white people eat bit was so much longer. And he was like, man, you know my bits better than I do.

But he did have, I had the coolest moment possibly ever in standup, speaking of cigarettes,

at the cellar that night he got off stage and he coming he came and hung out at the table and he was sitting next to me holding a cigarette and i was like i always want to know what kind of cigarettes i've been like i've been going to see you since i was 16. yeah just want to know what kind of cigarettes you smoke and he was like oh i smoke american spirits yeah i was like this is we're at the table at the olive tree yeah inside and i go oh you want to smoke a cigarette and he goes smoke right here and i go well

I can't because I need this place for rent. But you're Dave Chappelle. You can smoke here if you want to. And he goes, you can if Dave Chappelle lights you a cigarette. And I looked at Esty and Esty went like that. And I, I took, and I swear to God by the third drag. Yeah. Every waiter and bartender was staring at me like fucking soda gets to smoke inside.

And I was like, this is fucking unbelievable. And I took a couple of hits and I put it in the, I put it in like the ashtray and Esty was like, thank you.

Me neither. That's the hardest I've ever heard Nadal laugh. That's the hardest I've ever heard Nadal laugh.