Allison Holker

I feel like his heart was never really in the same place when he came back. He still could find joy and he could still go day by day, you know, putting on his face and getting through the days. But there was something missing in his eyes. It just kind of feels like he opened something up to himself that he never healed and never fully escaped.

I feel like his heart was never really in the same place when he came back. He still could find joy and he could still go day by day, you know, putting on his face and getting through the days. But there was something missing in his eyes. It just kind of feels like he opened something up to himself that he never healed and never fully escaped.

And I used to think they were weird quirks and weird things. And he would tell people that, yeah, I don't let her come downstairs, so I give her her morning coffee. And I used to laugh at it and be like, oh, ha, ha, ha, he's so sweet bringing me coffee. But really, why wasn't I allowed to come downstairs? Because he would be triggered if I came downstairs before. I'd be in trouble.

And I used to think they were weird quirks and weird things. And he would tell people that, yeah, I don't let her come downstairs, so I give her her morning coffee. And I used to laugh at it and be like, oh, ha, ha, ha, he's so sweet bringing me coffee. But really, why wasn't I allowed to come downstairs? Because he would be triggered if I came downstairs before. I'd be in trouble.

But as his wife, I just kind of thought, oh, it's cute. And it's his way of letting me know that I'm allowed to come downstairs. But now looking back, I'm like, well, that's I guess it's not really a normal thing in a relationship. And our kids also weren't allowed to go downstairs. There was like an order in which things had to happen for him to feel comfortable to start his day.

But as his wife, I just kind of thought, oh, it's cute. And it's his way of letting me know that I'm allowed to come downstairs. But now looking back, I'm like, well, that's I guess it's not really a normal thing in a relationship. And our kids also weren't allowed to go downstairs. There was like an order in which things had to happen for him to feel comfortable to start his day.

And at first I was like, oh, well, it's just kind of like our morning routine. Right. And now as I've come to learn and my own self-healing, learning that, oh, that's not normal. That's not okay. And I started to unpack a lot more of like, well, what were you doing in the morning? Why did you need to have that much time? What was going on? So it's, I think sometimes what I'm learning right now is

And at first I was like, oh, well, it's just kind of like our morning routine. Right. And now as I've come to learn and my own self-healing, learning that, oh, that's not normal. That's not okay. And I started to unpack a lot more of like, well, what were you doing in the morning? Why did you need to have that much time? What was going on? So it's, I think sometimes what I'm learning right now is

I will always celebrate Stephen. I think he was a wonderful person. And I'm really sad what he went through. But I also have to be careful because I can't celebrate so much of his choice. And that's a really fine line I have to walk as a mother right now is because they are very hurt by their father's decision.

I will always celebrate Stephen. I think he was a wonderful person. And I'm really sad what he went through. But I also have to be careful because I can't celebrate so much of his choice. And that's a really fine line I have to walk as a mother right now is because they are very hurt by their father's decision.

And they have a lot of triggers that they have to be in therapy now to really work through. But what I am impressed with is that they are doing the work and they are putting in the time and they are finding joy in life and they are finding laughter again. But there's a lot to unpack for them that they'll have to deal with for the rest of their lives.

And they have a lot of triggers that they have to be in therapy now to really work through. But what I am impressed with is that they are doing the work and they are putting in the time and they are finding joy in life and they are finding laughter again. But there's a lot to unpack for them that they'll have to deal with for the rest of their lives.

Oh, this will be something I will always be confused about. So the night Steven, he came home. He was very triggered. He was very triggered. Me and Wesley were watching The White Lotus show. We loved that show. And he came in and I could tell something was wrong. Um, he had texted me earlier that night, a tree emoji, which was his way of telling me he was going to the dispensary.

Oh, this will be something I will always be confused about. So the night Steven, he came home. He was very triggered. He was very triggered. Me and Wesley were watching The White Lotus show. We loved that show. And he came in and I could tell something was wrong. Um, he had texted me earlier that night, a tree emoji, which was his way of telling me he was going to the dispensary.

Um, he didn't do it that often though, but if he was going, you know, either he told me, but I was with Wesley, so he probably didn't want to say to me that he was going. So sometimes he would use like a tree emoji or symbolism and text me. Um, but the reason that night it felt different was because the next day when he decided to take his life, he had been at the Oak Tree Inn.

Um, he didn't do it that often though, but if he was going, you know, either he told me, but I was with Wesley, so he probably didn't want to say to me that he was going. So sometimes he would use like a tree emoji or symbolism and text me. Um, but the reason that night it felt different was because the next day when he decided to take his life, he had been at the Oak Tree Inn.

And there was a tree that looked just like the emoji. And the dispensary was right across the street. And I've always wondered to myself, was he at the hotel already? Is that why he came home so triggered? Had he attempted and then got scared and then was too shameful to tell me? And I'll never know. But that night was very triggering for me. And it was very obviously triggering for him

And there was a tree that looked just like the emoji. And the dispensary was right across the street. And I've always wondered to myself, was he at the hotel already? Is that why he came home so triggered? Had he attempted and then got scared and then was too shameful to tell me? And I'll never know. But that night was very triggering for me. And it was very obviously triggering for him

But I'll never know. But that emoji will always kind of be a little bit of a scar for me.

But I'll never know. But that emoji will always kind of be a little bit of a scar for me.