Adam Scott

For The Daily Show, I'm Debbie Lydic.

We've got so much to talk about tonight.

Autocorrect is making Trump ducking furious.

Wall Street gets weird.

And if you think MAGA Republicans are pussies, well, they do too.

So let's get into the headlines.

Let's kick things off with someone who was definitely in the Epstein files, Jeffrey Epstein.

We've seen millions of his texts and emails already, but there was one very important document we hadn't seen until now.

Breaking news tonight, a judge has released what is said to be a suicide note written by the late convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein.

It is a treat to be able to choose one's time to say goodbye.

What you want me to do, bust out crying, no fun, not worth it.

No fun, not worth it?

His last words were the same words I said when I bailed on the new season of Landman.

Just kidding.

All 437 Taylor Sheridan shows are equally excellent and available now on Paramount+.

But let's move on because this weekend is Mother's Day, the day we celebrate all the incredible women who pee a little when they sneeze too hard.

Trump marks the occasion with an event honoring military moms, or as he calls them, military MILFs.

And I assume he showed them the love and respect they deserve.

We're also honored to be joined by a military mother who sacrificed far more than most.

And, you know, I love the name Melody because for a long time, you know, they have spell correct and word correct on these crazy machines that we use to put out truths or they used to be called tweets.