Adam Ray
Appearances
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Hello. I had sex with my first goth girl recently. That was pretty cool. I could tell she was goth because when she took a shit on my chest, the shit had a piercing. She told me she didn't think cum was good for your skin. Can you believe that? I told her, no, I know that cum is good for your skin. Because my belly button is glowing.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
But it's with a T-shirt gun. I'm the mascot for Texas State. Give it up. But when you open the t-shirt, it says, don't come to school tomorrow. All right.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Almost four years now. Four years. All of it here in Texas? All of it in Texas, yeah. Is this where you were born and raised? I was actually born in New York.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
The proud boss, Brian Redman. I do AV there, and then I'm also an AV contractor. I do contract work. I work in hotels and stuff.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
He's great, yeah. My main positive feeling is that after Secret Show, I get to steal goodies and weed drinks, so that's nice. There you go.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
I'm fucked. Holy shit. I'm fucked. I'm going to lose my job, though.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Let's see. Right now, I'm trying to learn Spanish really hard. Is that lame? No, no, it's good. What do you know so far? uh just the basics i can't really even communicate uh it's taking a long we just thought it would be really hard letting people shit on your chest yeah i only know those words what do you know how to say i could say like uh uh fuck uh i was trying to like talk to people in the
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
and the fucking lair over there about just like... It's Shakespeare's. Shakespeare's. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
I was just trying to talk to them about like, that I went to, I was in Cuba for a couple of weeks a long time ago. And that's like the one phrase that I know how to talk about is like, oh, I was in Cuba a long time ago. And then they're like, yeah, really? And then they start speaking to me in Spanish. And then I'm like, all I do is like, I just... Yeah. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
I never met a Duolingo dropout before. I do Duolingo obsessively, but also, like, I'm pretty good at listening to it because I listen to... I like listening to... I listen to, like, Tom Segura and Espanol over and over again, the same episodes, just to, like, learn. And that's mainly what I do.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
So I can't really speak, but I can understand when they're talking shit about me in a line at a food truck. You know?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Uh, nothing right now. Working on finding someone to stare at. It's been a couple months, yeah.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
I am on the apps. I'm on Hinge. I'm a big hit on that fucking thing.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
No, I try and pretend I'm not a comedian because I mostly hook up with liberal chicks that think I'm They think I'm a white supremacist. If I'm even a mile within... If I'm even remotely close to this place. So I lie the whole time. I talk about Palestine and art. I know how to... I really know how to con them into fucking me, and then I go back to... I lie about shit.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
He's using pussy cheat codes. I talk about communism. I talk about the Berlin Wall. I do all that shit, and then...
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Yeah, for a long time, my profile was really scary. I didn't adjust it the correct way. I had weird... I didn't smile in any of my photos, and then I showed my friend it, and they were like, what the fuck is wrong with you? It's so frightening in this photo.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Well, it's like, I'll always go on a date, and I'll go into it, and really, I'll try and talk about how I like speaking my mind. Use certain language like that, and then I test the waters, and sometimes they'll be like... Oh no, that's not okay. And I'll just be like, oh fuck.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Please fuck me, please fuck me. I'm gonna shoot up a school if you don't fuck me. Please help me. I have to like, I give in eventually. I'm just like.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Shit, I guess I'm trying to become a citizen of Slovakia right now. Wait, oh shit.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
It's really a bad language. It's a terrible, but oh God, if they're listening, I love it. Let me in, please. What is it about Slovakia that you want? So I, I'm a, I have like, My ancestors are from there, and I want to be able to get citizenship there so I can own property and then also be able to work there. So as a comedian, it's just a good idea, I think. How close are you to owning property?
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
But not just in Slovakia. It would be anywhere in the EU. You get full citizenship. God, I'm not going to get in now because of this shit. You want to own property in Slovakia? No, you could own it anywhere in the EU if you do that. So where would you buy property? I don't know. You could, like, Spain or somewhere that's cool. Is that what you would do? No.
KILL TONY
#716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY
Maybe... Just keep the options open. It takes, like, two years to get citizenship. It takes many, many years for you to learn Spanish.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
We have a pitch set up with Tubi, so we'd love to include that.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Yeah, you better be autistic, man. Yeah. How long have you been doing stand-up?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
All right. You ever fuck up somebody's name on the coffee cup and they freak out?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
You look like you sold the van to the guy. And you were like, I swear I didn't come in this thing. Right, right. I used to do real estate in New York.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Okay. In 2025, how do you... You don't have a girl, right? But you brought people back to the van. Yeah. How does it... Do you have any trepidations when you're trying to elicit a friend to come back? What's the opening line, I guess?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Appreciate that. There you go. You also came out with confidence. That's always... Oh, no.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
You came out, you had a game plan that always matters, so good job. Yeah, thank you.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Okay. That's hilarious. And then... By the way, I would love to see you on Family Feud. I'm going to go with... This guy's got an eating disorder. By the way, what's on your pants? Did you paint Red Band's house? What is that? I spilled bleach, okay? Don't bully me.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Let me ask a question. When you smile, it's real warm, but you didn't smile... Well, don't do that. But when you smile... But when you smile organically, it... Yeah, like that. But you didn't smile at all during your set, really, right? I couldn't... No. Is that... What's the... What's the choice to go from...
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Yeah. So your material is always kind of, you like to just, you know, your point of view is to keep it dry.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Thank you very much. I don't even need you to, like, do comedy. You could just, like, read the back of a Cheesecake Factory menu. Thank you.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
I love this fucking show. Dude, good to see you again. And we love you. And my wife, who loves this show, is seeing it live for the first time tonight. Give it up for her. She's fucking here. The very best. We love her. Not gay.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Isn't this the plot of Rush Hour? This is unbelievable. Everything you're saying, I feel like I watched in a movie.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Absolutely incredible. Your delivery and cadence is so goddamn perfect. Everything you say, I feel like it's gonna end with you handing a child a katana. You know what I'm saying? Like, the way that she works with the rum, like, it's got so much, it's so soft but powerful. You know what I'm saying? But it's just facts about your life. Have you always been this calm, cool, and collected? I think so.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Keep it going for Rich Voss. That's a big deal. He let somebody step in.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Adam Ray. First name again? It's... Konsei Yasuda. Konsei Yasuda. I know I've already done this once, but I'm actually going to be in Toronto May 1st through the 3rd at the Comedy Bar. Do you want to host? We need somebody to host all weekend.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Wow. Wow. Yeah. We need a host. I feel like you need a host. You got 10 minutes? Yeah. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
What were you saying? I was going over auditions that I wasn't going to book. I was like, Tony, I got two lines as the waiter. Does this sound good? Your food, sir? And Tony was like, you're not going to get it. You should quit and move to Austin. We sucked.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
When do the sunglasses go on? You wear them outdoors yet, or is it just for show?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Wow. I mean, yeah, you kind of did it. Yeah. Yeah, it was good. How long you been doing that?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Let's go. Wow. Does it ever come into play or come into, you know? Well, I just use it for Kill Tony now, goddammit.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Yeah, great new bit, Cam. I mean, there's always, every time I see you, always something new. Appreciate you, man.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
When did you know? When did you know you wanted to make the switch?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Are you always that quick to fuck y'all? Yes. Yeah, yeah. It's a joke, but you kind of mean it, yeah?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Oh, I think that's what Ted Bundy said. Yeah. Now it's good to do it. Now it works. And you too can use a punchline like that if you take classes at the Rich Voss School of Comedy. Operators are standing by. Classes are $630. They take Venmo and cash. 3 to 3.15 Monday through Tuesday.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Your wife is watching for the first time. Don't fuck this up. Can you do it once as Danny Glover?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
The Red Band School of Comedy is taking submissions now at the Sunset Strip.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Yo, can I say this? Martin Phillips did a Dr. Phil Live in Las Vegas in January, and he came out first, and the place, 4,100 people went fucking nuts when he came out, dude. He's a superstar. He's a superstar. You're a beast, Martin. You're so goddamn nice and funny, man. He is a superstar.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Yeah. Anytime someone describes shitting as a vast amount of feces. Yeah. Wait, were you wearing, so you got to wear like NBA tearaways next time. Yeah. That'd be nasty.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Wait, wait, wait. You know there was one kid left behind who was like, Mr. Phillips, are you okay?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Maybe John Cena, if he's having a John Cena lookalike party. That's a compliment. Where do you get your material from?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Yeah, Ari, where do you work? Do you have a job? What's, do you work at a... Okay, all right. No, do you get recognized?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
They're like, what's up, player? You know? Yeah, what does your demo lie mostly?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Looks like the guy who farted at O'Fender. Yeah, I just wanted to say your name again.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
And you too can learn a Martin Phillips impression at the Rich Voss School of Comedy.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
General Montgomery. William, you look like the first guy that claimed he saw Bigfoot. That is true.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
That's a compliment. Wait, what do kids, how old do kids think you are when they meet you? Have you met kids? This is a weird question.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Yeah, I don't think people believe me. Have you been around kids, like nieces and nephews? Yeah, I have two little nieces. You strike me as someone that would be good with kids, and I mean that.
KILL TONY
#715 - KID ROCK + MARK NORMAND
Has anybody here ever taken the Am I Gay test on Facebook? If not, don't bother. It's 35 minutes of gay porn, and once you get to the end, there aren't even any questions. I checked twice. My grandpa, he used to babysit me, but now I babysit him. I took him to buy some groceries, and in the middle of the aisle, he goes, five dollars for a bag of Doritos?
KILL TONY
#715 - KID ROCK + MARK NORMAND
Back in my day, I could get my dick sucked for a dollar. I said, Grandpa, you can't trick me like that anymore.
KILL TONY
#715 - KID ROCK + MARK NORMAND
Hell yeah. What do you do for work, Ryan? I'm a restaurant manager full-time. I work at a sex shop part-time. Ooh. Yeah. Selling dildos.
KILL TONY
#715 - KID ROCK + MARK NORMAND
It's just, like, a giant, you know, dildo, and it has, like, an air suction control, little jackrabbit thing on it. Air suction. Air suction.
KILL TONY
#715 - KID ROCK + MARK NORMAND
Like, it comes out of the shell too easily. Well, it's like a little air-pulsed jackrabbit thing. We just got those on the shelves. They're, like, little... It kind of, like, vibrates, but it's just, like... It sucks, and then it pushes air out real fast.
KILL TONY
#715 - KID ROCK + MARK NORMAND
In Atlanta, yeah, about like 30 minutes south, but pretty much Atlanta. Okay.
KILL TONY
#715 - KID ROCK + MARK NORMAND
I'm not really gay. But I do have a fiance, and she's great. For fun, I like to ride my dirt bikes. Oh. That's about it. I like to go moto camping, where I go out into the woods with my dirt bike and set up a little camp and stay out there for a couple nights. Hell yeah. And then comedy.
KILL TONY
#715 - KID ROCK + MARK NORMAND
My childhood. My dad was really big on meth whenever I was a kid.
KILL TONY
#715 - KID ROCK + MARK NORMAND
Yeah, big on Meth. He was also a preacher, too, a Baptist preacher. Wow. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#715 - KID ROCK + MARK NORMAND
He's in like the trucking industry. He kind of got past all that, married a nice lady, was in a nice subdivision manager somewhere.
KILL TONY
#696 - SKETCH + DAVE LANDAU
Hi, everybody. So I'm originally from Miami, which I know is the last thing you expect somebody that looks like this to say. Yeah, I've felt it a lot better since I moved to Austin. But, you know, most people that are born and raised in Miami feel like any place is better than Miami, you know, like most places. But then I moved to Baltimore in the middle of the winter.
KILL TONY
#696 - SKETCH + DAVE LANDAU
And you know what's not better than Miami? Fucking Baltimore in the middle of the winter. Yeah, like, even the bridge was like, fuck this, I can't take it anymore. Like, let's be honest, Baltimore's just Detroit that got crabs. That's it. And when I moved to town, I only knew one person in town, which was an old ex-girlfriend.
KILL TONY
#696 - SKETCH + DAVE LANDAU
And about a week before I moved there, she goes, listen, I got to tell you something. I've been working as a stripper. And I go, I know. You told me you were a bartender and got a concussion. That shit don't happen. But also, I've been working as an escort. I said, OK, great. She said, but I don't like people calling me an escort or a sex worker. I think of myself as a service provider.
KILL TONY
#696 - SKETCH + DAVE LANDAU
I was like, nah, bitch, AT&T is a service provider. You a hoe. Let's keep it real. All right, thank you. That's been my time. Eric Ray Stone, welcome to the show. Thank you, Tony.
KILL TONY
#696 - SKETCH + DAVE LANDAU
I have Ehlers-Danlos syndrome. What is that? Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, EDS. It means my connective tissue sucks. The only famous person I know that has it has Billie Eilish, but I don't have her teta, so nobody gives a shit.
KILL TONY
#696 - SKETCH + DAVE LANDAU
Yeah, tendons, ligaments, and cartilage. So you tear them a lot? Yeah. When I was younger, I played a lot of sports and did a lot of really stupid things. So I thought I was just getting injured because I was doing really stupid things.
KILL TONY
#696 - SKETCH + DAVE LANDAU
Turns out, no. God has a sense of humor, too. You're like Mr. Glass. Yeah, exactly.
KILL TONY
#696 - SKETCH + DAVE LANDAU
I started in Miami, and then I went up to Baltimore for quite a bit of time, and then I came back to Miami and was working at the improv for a couple years down there.
KILL TONY
#696 - SKETCH + DAVE LANDAU
Ever since I had a hip reconstruction that didn't exactly go great. What happened? Well, I was supposed to heal from the surgery, and I didn't.
KILL TONY
#696 - SKETCH + DAVE LANDAU
Yeah. You did. Coble butter? Ironically, they actually make you stop fish oil before you go into surgery. Like, that's one of the things they were really specific about. I was like, that's odd, but okay.
KILL TONY
#696 - SKETCH + DAVE LANDAU
No, there was an explanation, but I smoke a lot of weed, so I don't remember exactly what it was. That makes sense.
KILL TONY
#696 - SKETCH + DAVE LANDAU
I do. I just moved to town about a month ago. How do you like it so far? I'm loving every minute of it.
KILL TONY
#696 - SKETCH + DAVE LANDAU
What do you do for fun in Austin, Texas? Well, every day since I've been here, comedy. But I've actually been hanging out at Sunset Strip a lot. I got a lot of friends that work there. Look at that. Look at that.
KILL TONY
#696 - SKETCH + DAVE LANDAU
Yeah, so I found out not too long ago that apparently a lot of my family that was in Cuba that are now millionaires here were political prisoners because we were very fond of explosives and not so fond of communists. So, yeah, I did not know that. Can you really just spell out what you just said? Yeah. I'd prefer not to because there's, you know. Okay.
KILL TONY
#696 - SKETCH + DAVE LANDAU
Yeah, actually, I went on a date with one of the most beautiful women I've ever met about two weeks ago. How'd it go?
KILL TONY
#696 - SKETCH + DAVE LANDAU
You went to a... We went out to a bar with her friends and then we went dancing, which was not very dancing for me. That was her telling you to leave. Well, yeah. I should have taken the hints.
KILL TONY
#696 - SKETCH + DAVE LANDAU
Probably not. I told her way too much about my family and history, so yeah.
KILL TONY
#696 - SKETCH + DAVE LANDAU
Yep. All right, that'll do it. Yep. Yeah, what's funny is we then made out afterwards. So it didn't seem like a deal breaker, but then she blocked me the next day.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
20 years since I've been on stage, but it's time to get back to it. I'm going to go give it a shot, Josh, in the material. Here we go.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Oh, yeah. Here he goes. Legally blind my ass. Wow. Yeah. You want to see legally blind? I'll show you legally blind. Watch this. That's legally blind right there.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives? Yippee! What the fuck is up, HEB Center? Welcome, welcome.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
I got to go to the bathroom. I'll see you guys. I got to go to the bathroom. He's got to go to the bathroom, ladies and gentlemen.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
That's right. Surprise, surprise. The 2024 Guest of the Year is Harlan Williams, everybody.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 194: Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)
Sunday's the day for my next bender A bit of Piverec, you know the beer juice close I've had a little too much bourbon And Norman's talking shit about the fucking Pope And I get down in the same way Up on the roof like a cop's coming And naked Samuel is feeling dangerous I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans This woman doesn't look like I remember her And I get down in the same way