we often want the best for others, but is that always the best thing for you? https://linktr.ee/thezurkieshow
Chapter 1: Why do we feel responsible for others' happiness?
I used to think that other people's happiness was entirely dependent on me. When they were in a bad mood, I would think that I did something wrong and that it was my fault and I felt guilty.
and i very quickly found myself living for other people more than for myself it's a really bad habit it's a really dark place to be when you are so hyper fixated on everybody except yourself everyone except you matter i had a few relationships where I really tried to be on my best behavior and the other person still blew me off or the other person still didn't care.
And that's really where I realized something. It's not your job. It's not your job. In a relationship, whether that is a friendship or that is a romantic relationship, an intimate relationship, a situationship, which is like, come on, situationships, we gotta leave those in 2024 like yesterday. Your job in a relationship is to be the best version of you. That's it. That is the job.
Chapter 2: What is the importance of self-communication in relationships?
You do that, in my opinion, through communication, which is insanely difficult. It is insanely hard. I know because I'm a yapper.
But when it comes to communicating in a relationship, it is one of the hardest things because we want to immediately assume that the other person knows what's going on in our brain because we are intimate with that person, because we know them more than a stranger, when that's not the case. It's never the case. Like... You have no, I have no idea, you know.
They might be thinking about the chopped chin video. And I might be thinking about, why haven't you talked to me today? You have no idea. You just, you don't know. Communication.
then on top of that communication what's really really important is following through being somebody of your word when you promise something you deliver you don't make empty promises that's not good in a relationship and being fair being fair if they have a valid concern hearing them out and being like all right you know maybe i haven't been the best to you that's fair and of those three there are a lot more
but not one of them is keeping the other person happy. It's not, because that is not your job. That is not your job. And so many people live for other people. They don't live for themselves. And listen, there's a weird connotation with being selfish, right? Like we consider doing the thing that's best for us as, oh, that's really selfish.
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Chapter 3: How can selfishness lead to healthier relationships?
But sometimes being selfish is the best for the both of you. I'm going to say it. Sometimes being selfish means stepping away from a relationship that is really bad, that is really toxic. And both of you, for some reason, have continued to spiral in it. It's a selfish thing in theory, right? Well, why would you step away? Like, shouldn't you work on it?
But sometimes you are past the point of no return. And it's like you just got to, we're done. We are done. That's it. But still, in my adult life, I have met so many people who care about what other people
say but mainly how they how they like well that person is gonna get offended by that if they're getting offended at the most simple things and you have to explain yourself every time i'm sorry that's just like not that is not a good friend that is not it's different if you offend somebody you know if you if you do something that you had no idea was going to be bad if you were rude to them as a joke and then they took it seriously that's different but if you have to walk on eggshells
It's not your job. It's not your job to try to, oh, I have to step this way. I can't say this around this person or like, well, we have to invite this person, but we can't let this person know that I invited that person because they're going to get upset. Why? Why?
Chapter 4: What should you prioritize in your relationships?
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That's not your job.
And maybe you're in a position right now where that seems like that is your world. Because it is. You don't have any other responsibilities. You don't have bills to pay. You're not buying $20 lattes and going on a date for $60 at Chili's. But when that is done, when school, college, all of that is done... you will realize that nobody's got time for that. Nobody's got time to step on eggshells.
Chapter 5: Why is it not your job to keep others happy?
I'm joking.
I'm joking.
I mean, you can, if you want, I'm not telling you not to tip your landlord, but man, bro, rent is life is expensive. Jeez. Anyways, it's not your job. It is not your job to keep other people happy. That is not your job. Your job is to be the best that you can be. And people will not like you. They will not like you. A lot of people will not like you. It is what it is.
They will make a decision within the first five seconds, within the first millisecond if they like you. They will decide. And I'm sorry, it's just not your job to try to convince them. Oh, well, no, I'm actually a really good person. What? Bro, they're not going to like you like that. It's over. It's done.
Chapter 6: How do personal responsibilities change after school?
No, it's different if they're a maybe, you know, like you got to convince somebody sometimes. Hey, I've had to, you know, I've had to be like, well, I'm actually I'm a good date. You know, I'm a good flirt. So you should go on a date with me. But there's been other times where it's no. The answer is no. And that's it. The answer is I don't like that person. Okay. It's not your job.
It is not your job. We already go through so much trying to deal with this thing every single day. This thing. Because there are parts of this thing that want you to do bad. There are parts of this thing that want you to do good. And every day is a war in this thing. It's like a Star Wars battle. It's like Battlefront.
Chapter 7: What are the challenges of maintaining friendships?
That is the part of my brain that wants me to wake up versus the part of my brain that wants me to doom scroll for five hours. That's what's going on. It's just, no! That's literally what's going on. So you're already going to deal with that on like a day-to-day. And then you've got to worry about somebody else? What? What? Dude, this is already enough. This is your job. You've got to do this.
But I get it. It's hard. It's hard because we have relationships that we have with people that we've spent years cultivating. Some of us have family members. Oh my goodness. You have a family member who's like super sensitive and you have to learn to, you know, to walk on eggshells. And listen, it is what it is. I'm not saying that you will not have to do that.
Chapter 8: When should you step away from toxic relationships?
Sometimes to get what you want, you'll have to do things that you probably otherwise would not do. That's life. That's life. But what I am saying is don't feel like you have to because it is not your job. It is not your job. Now, same thing with helping somebody. Sometimes you're going to have to help a homie out. Right?
But if that person is not willing to help themselves and you have repeatedly tried, like, hey, I want to help you out. You should do this. I want to help you out. Think about this problem this way. Man, like, you are so talented. If only you had a little bit better of an attitude, you could be in a great position.
If they don't want to help themselves and they keep coming back to you to just vent and be like, my life is so bad. Right? It's not your job. It's a hard reality. And I'm not saying that if your friend or you are having a mental health crisis. That is a different thing. That is completely different. And you should seek professional help.
What I am saying is there are people in your life that you will come to find. Maybe they already are in your life. That their relationship to you is they just want someone they can talk at and someone who will feel bad for them. Not somebody who wants to help them out and change their life. Because a lot of the changes in your life, they start here. This person. Not that person. This person.
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You know, it's rough because sometimes it does feel like it's your job. Why would you want to see your girlfriend, your boyfriend, your partner, your best friend? She's my best friend. Why would you want to see them suffer? You wouldn't. But sometimes you have to. The best thing is to be a little selfish. Because they don't want to change. They don't. And when it starts affecting you, no.
That is an overstep of a boundary. That is an overstep. Because that is disrespecting your personal space. It is one thing to ask for help. It is another thing for you to feel like your help is the only thing that will make this person feel better about themselves or it will drastically alter their mood. That's not a healthy relationship. That's not. That is not.
And I'm not saying that you shouldn't help people. I'm not one of those, like, pull yourself up by your bootstraps and don't listen to anybody. But what I am saying is that a lot of the changes that you have to make and a person has to make is... It's... It's them. It's them. And I know it because I am one of these people.
I used to be one of these people that would always go to my friends and be like, oh, why is this happening to me? And they would tell me. They'd be like, bro, it's because you have a terrible...
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