Leave an Amazon Rating or Review for my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy!What if raising kids isn't about fixing them, but understanding your own emotional patterns first? In this powerful mashup episode, three experts transform how we think about family dynamics. Dr. Becky Kennedy reveals why making happiness the goal of childhood creates anxious adults, Scott Galloway shares how fatherhood at 42 shifted his priorities from status-seeking to finding unexpected contentment, and family therapist Jerry Wise explains how breaking free from your family's emotional trance is the true path to healing. This conversation exposes how parenting becomes our greatest opportunity for personal growth - not by healing through our children, but by facing the triggers they inevitably expose.Dr. Becky’s book Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to BeScott’s book The Algebra of Wealth: A Simple Formula for Financial SecurityScott’s book The Algebra of Happiness: Notes on the Pursuit of Success, Love, and MeaningScott’s book The Four: The Hidden DNA of Amazon, Apple, Facebook, and GoogleJerry Wise Relationship Systems on YouTubeIn this episode you will learn:Why trying to understand your child's bad behavior is the foundation for effectively changing itHow making happiness the goal of childhood creates anxious adults unable to handle uncomfortable emotionsThe power of "connect before you correct" in creating resilient children who can regulate their emotionsWhy parents unconsciously wish their children will heal their wounds but discover children actually trigger unresolved issuesHow fatherhood shifts priorities from status-seeking to finding purpose beyond yourselfWhy breaking your family's emotional "trance" is essential to becoming a healthy adult and parentThe three phrases every parent needs when their child experiences disappointmentHow to recognize if you had narcissistic parents and the patterns you might be unconsciously repeatingFor more information go to https://www.lewishowes.com/1772For more Greatness text PODCAST to +1 (614) 350-3960More SOG episodes we think you’ll love:Dr. Becky Kennedy – greatness.lnk.to/1586SCScott Galloway – greatness.lnk.to/1636SCJerry Wise – greatness.lnk.to/1747SC Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy!Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX
Chapter 1: What makes parenting the hardest job without formal training?
I'm going to try to answer all that. You'll let me know which parts of the question I lose as we go. So what you started with just resonates with me so strongly. And I think it really is the reason I get out of bed every morning, right? Parenting is the most important job in the world. And it is the hardest job.
And it's probably the job we'll have for the longest number of years because everyone knows it's more than 18 years, right? So And someone said to me, I'll never forget, it's the only job you care about on your deathbed, which I was like, OK, that's heavy. But I think that's I mean, I wouldn't know yet, hopefully, but I think that's true.
And it's also like the only job that falls under like very difficult, very impactful, very ongoing that we literally get no training for. Right. And like if my friend was a surgeon and called me and said, I'm not doing surgery. Right. And I'm messing everything up and kind of messed up this person forever. And I'm so bad.
And then I started poking around and it turned out she never went to med school or never went to residency. I'm pretty sure I would say to her, hey, this is not that you're a bad surgeon. That's not what this is. You weren't adequately prepared. And it's probably time to invest in resources.
And I just want to say, too, because I think it's important that if she said, don't worry, I got all my tips on Instagram. I'd say, OK. I mean, you might want to do a little more in depth than that. I think you deserve a little better than that. And yet this is what parents are set up for.
When I've asked parents the number one reason why they don't get the support they even think they need, the number one reason I get, the number one reason I hear is I should be able to do this on my own.
It's like a shame underneath.
Yeah. And there's a shame. And I think there's a really strong societal message as a woman. I can say the maternal instinct is like a real thing that people think we should have, which really is a way of saying parenting has kind of traditionally been a woman's job. I think they're shifting around that. It's great.
And it should just be something women have an instinct to do, which is a really great setup for any parent when they're struggling to say, I guess it's me. And I think when we're struggling, I mean, I think when we're struggling with anything, we have two paths. And this is where I think we'll be talking about parenting, but you don't have kids. I'm sure some of your listeners don't have kids.
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Chapter 2: Why is understanding a child's behavior key to effective parenting?
So I look at one hand, I'm like, this is my kid. This is who they are. That's their identity. And they are good inside. And then I look at my other hand very far away and say, like, this is their behavior. This is what they did. And I would agree with a lot of parents telling me, like, oh, they lied to your face? I would agree, like, not great behavior. They hit their sister?
Definitely not great behavior. But those things are different, and it's really important with your hands to keep them separate because you could then look at one hand and say, I have a good kid who hit their sister. And the only reason we want to punish and come down so harshly on our kids is because those hands collapse.
It's because I see the bad behavior and I don't even realize it's so fast in my brain, but immediately I assume I have a bad kid.
That that is my kid.
That is my kid. It's collapsed. And to me, I mean, good inside is more things, but everything else flows from the foundation of like actually separating behavior from identity, which I think you get this, but not everyone does. So it's important to name that doesn't mean anything. condoning the behavior. Like, trying to understand behavior, we think means approving of behavior.
But trying to understand why my kid is missing a layup, I don't think anyone thinks means that I think it's cool that my kid can't make a layup. They're different. But that separation is the foundation for everything.
What would you say are the three biggest mistakes of modern parenting today?
Is it okay? I don't, for some reason, the reason mistakes that when I think about feels very like shame inducing. So, and it feels like final. So like what are the three things that I want to like myths or things I'd shift?
Yeah. What are the three things that you think parents could do differently today to have a better connection with their children?
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Chapter 3: Why should making children happy not be the primary parenting goal?
So understanding it first.
You can only change what you understand.
What if you don't understand it?
That's a great thing to acknowledge. I don't understand why you're doing this.
That's exactly right.
Stop doing it, right? And if a parent said to me, I'd be like, Louis, that is so beautiful. We know exactly where to start. And this goes back to not having the skills. Why would you understand a kid's behavior? It's very complicated. And so it would be like a surgeon saying, I don't understand how to do this surgery. And I'd be like, yeah, of course. Well, you don't go to medical school.
Let's get you into medical school. There are places where you can do that. Really. So we have to understand before we intervene.
Okay.
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Chapter 4: How does emotional regulation build resilience in children?
Right? I think that's like a principle of everything.
So we might have to learn, research, ask questions, get feedback from other people, whatever it might be, right? Yeah.
100%. There might be experts. There might be the right community. There's courses we can take. There's so many resources right now. There's the book. We do a million workshops, right? The reason I do workshops is because I was like, I have this private practice where I see a very limited group of people.
And I was like, honestly, at the end of the day, I kind of have some version of the same 10 to 15 sessions all day long. They're always about the same topics, right? Slightly different story, but same core things. And I was like, I would like to democratize access to that. So that's what my workshops are. They're just... things that would come up in private practice, but to more people.
So there's so many resources. That's number one.
Okay.
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Chapter 5: What are practical ways to help children tolerate frustration?
Number two is that our job is not to make our kid happy.
That is so important and so countercultural. Why is our job not to make our kids happy?
Because when we focus on making our kids happy. we actually start to make them fearful and less tolerant of all of the other emotions that will inevitably be part of their life into adulthood. And so when our kid says, I'm gonna make this up, like, I'm the only one in my class who can't read. It's like the most painful moment as a parent. Oh, I feel my kid's pain, right?
And maybe, let's just say it's true. They really might be. We have the urge to say, everyone reads at their own pace, but you're amazing at soccer, but you're so good at math. I want to make them happy. All that does for my kid is, because during childhood, Kids are not just learning about a situation with a parent.
They're taking interactions and they're making generalizations, not from one moment, but patterns about what emotions are safe? What emotions can I deal with? What can I tolerate? And what emotions, as soon as I feel them, do I need to like turn off right away? And so when a kid says, I'm the only one who can't read,
The truth is when our kid is an adult, they probably won't say that, but they'll probably say, I'm the only one who, whatever it is, didn't get a job yet. I'm the only one of my friends who didn't buy their own house, right? Whatever it is, like we're always gonna feel that way. And so when we make our kid happy, what we actually say to them
is I am just as scared of this emotion you're feeling as you are. Wow.
And so then what they do- I don't want to deal with this emotion.
I'm terrified. I want to run away from it. I want to do anything but this. And so what a kid's circuit is, I feel, let's say it's this, I feel less than, or it could be, I feel jealous. I feel sad. I feel disappointed. And what gets layered next to that in the circuit is my parents' fear, my parents' avoidance. Those things get put together. The irony is when you make-
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Chapter 6: How can parents support their children's emotional resilience through language?
That's right. Because like when I, you know, I always joke when I was in private practice, I saw a lot of, you know, 20 year olds, 30 year olds, 40 year olds. And not one of them came to my practice saying, Dr. Becky, like I had the best parents. And, you know, those emotions, other people feel like jealous and sad and like those hard things. I got rid of them. My parents got rid of them.
I've never felt them again. Like that's never that obviously has never happened. But what happened over and over, even though no one said it, but their stories and behavior really exemplified it was I am now 23. I'm now 45 and I'm literally no better able to regulate frustration and disappointment and sadness than I was when I was a toddler. Wow. And but the stakes are higher.
Way higher as an adult.
Way higher. So emotion regulation, that is the goal of childhood. I mean, that's the goal of adulthood too, by the way. It's still the goal. We're all working on it.
You've been called the millennial parenting whisperer. Is that right? I think Time Magazine wrote that one. Time Magazine called you the millennial parenting whisperer. I've had Cesar Millan, who's the dog whisperer on. And people come in to say, hey, how do you fix my dog? And he fixes humans, essentially. He teaches humans how to lead themselves better.
And it sounds like parents come to you and say, how do I fix my kid? And you're coming to them and saying, well, you need to learn how to be a better leader and heal and reprogram yourself and learn how to regulate your emotions so you can manage these situations. Would that be accurate?
That is completely accurate. And I think, you know, I double down on that and say, I think when we have kids, we have this unconscious mindset. wish that they're going to heal us. Ooh. And they trigger us. Ooh. That's what happens when you have kids. So I say it again? We have an unconscious wish that our kids will heal us. And in reality, our kids trigger us.
Why do we think our kids will heal us?
Because I think in general, we all have the wish that something... in the external world, something we can gaze out at, will finally give us the comfort and the sense of safety and security that we've always been yearning for.
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Chapter 7: How did fatherhood change Scott Galloway’s priorities and views on life?
OK, then this is I'm excited. I'm excited. We can put the third thing out there. I'll leave everyone with a cliffhanger with the third thing. This one's important. That one's even more important. OK, so I think first of all, again, and we have to understand before we intervene. So how do we build resilience? Well, what is resilience? Right. And we have to really understand that.
And I think that resilience really is our ability to tolerate hard things. And the word tolerate is important because we all think it's the ability to get through it. The getting through happens when it happens.
And the truth is the longer you can tolerate something, not something toxic, that is so not what I'm talking about, or abusive, but the longer you can tolerate something hard, the success is going to find itself and it's going to be more likely because you were able to stay in the hard place.
Can you give an example of what this would be like for a parent and a child? Sure.
I can give you two different examples very concretely. Right. So this is something I teach to a lot of parents in one of my favorite, my frustration tolerance workshop, which is relevant for school, for everything. So let's say, and I'll say my three-year-old is doing a puzzle. I can't do it. You do it for me. You do it for me. This is a good example. Right. And as a parent, I get it.
You've gotten home. You're like, this is like the last thing.
Tired. I want to relax.
I was going to have a nice night with my kid. I get it. But I'm really driven by impact. And so I actually get this sick joy when my kid is on the verge of a meltdown.
Really?
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