The Oprah Podcast
The 3 Things EVERY Human Wants with Esther Perel | The Oprah Podcast
Tue, 11 Feb 2025
In this episode of The Oprah Podcast, presented by Ulta Beauty, world renowned relationship therapist Esther Perel offers her profound insight on modern romance, and what we can do to feel more alive in all our relationships – not just the romantic ones. With wisdom gained as a therapist and from her hit podcast, Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel, Esther offers frank sexual advice along with her thoughts on dealing with betrayal, life transitions and relational burn out. Couples and individuals will join via Zoom to hear Esther do what she does best: reveal the hidden truth beyond the stories we tell. She’ll also discuss her ingenious conversation-starter card game, “Where Should We Begin? A Game of Stories by Esther Perel.” Thank you to our partners at Ulta Beauty. They want to help you celebrate all the relationships in your life - not just the romantic ones! Share a post, tag your bestie and @ULTABEAUTY and share why they’re so special to you! Ulta Beauty will help pay the joy forward with a chance to receive a ‘surprise and delight’ beauty experience. www.ulta.com “Where Should We Begin? A Game of Stories by Esther Perel” is available on her website, And Esther's books are available here: https://www.estherperel.com/books Conflict to Connection: https://www.estherperel.com/courses/turning-conflict-into-connection Desire Bundle: https://www.estherperel.com/course-bundles/the-desire-bundle Follow Oprah Winfrey on Social: Subscribe: https://www.youtube.com/@Oprah https://www.instagram.com/oprah/ https://www.facebook.com/oprahwinfrey/ Listen to the full podcast: https://open.spotify.com/show/0tEVrfNp92a7lbjDe6GMLI https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-oprah-podcast/id1782960381 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Chapter 1: Who is Esther Perel and what insights does she offer on relationships?
This episode of The Oprah Podcast is presented by Ulta Beauty. The possibilities are beautiful. It is a joy to be with you here on The Oprah Podcast, and I know your time means a lot to you, so I think it's just so special for me that you all are listening or watching on YouTube. Lots of people... Have Valentine's Day on their minds this week.
And I know that for some people that brings up thoughts of romance and lack of romance. But my guest is renowned, renowned as a relationship therapist, an expert. She studies it. She knows it in her spirit, in her heart, in her brain. Esther Perel says all of our relationships with our family, with our friends, even our neighbors have a real impact on our most intimate relationships.
So welcome to the Tea House.
Thank you. Relationships are changing rapidly. Modern romance is undergoing an extreme makeover.
Esther Perel is a psychotherapist and bestselling author who's been counseling couples for over three decades.
You know, it's a little bit like sex. It used to be that you had to be ashamed if you had sex. Now you are ashamed if you don't.
I think her greatest gift is her intuitive insight into the human heart and mind. She really blows me away. Wow, I could cry over that. That resonates really powerfully with me. I heard that. Did you hear it, Jen? Absolutely. Her hit podcast, Where Should We Begin, is a must-listen for anybody looking to better understand the complexities of relationships.
One of the most challenging things about relationships and marriage in general has been communication.
I mean, sexual candor is really difficult.
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Chapter 2: How are modern romantic relationships evolving?
It's not about the straw.
No. What people typically fight for, I think, can be summarized in three basic things. It's based on the work of Howard Markman, but people fight over power and control. Whose decisions matter more? Who has the priorities? You know, you hear it in sentences on the podcast all the time. People say, you know, you don't value my contributions with the children. You constantly undermine me.
We are doing everything on your terms. We have sex when you want. We live where you want. We travel where you want. You're the boss.
Yeah.
Power and control. People fight for closeness and care, trust. Do you have my back? Can I rely on you? Can I lean on you? And what we hear is, you know, I open myself, I share my anxiety, and instead of supporting me, you fly it back in my face.
You're not my soft place to fall.
No, and when your mother says things about me, instead of protecting me, you ally with her.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, that kind of stuff. And people fight for respect and recognition, meaning, do you value me? Is my contribution recognized? Do I matter? And that is sentences like, I do so much and I don't think you ever value me. When you want to go see people, you just go, you know, without even checking in with me. Like you're unilaterally making your choices.
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Chapter 3: What role does communication play in relationships?
But if I can train my mind to think, where do I want to go with him right now? This is our secret place and train myself there. I feel like I can, like anything, work a muscle again, you know, and tap into the erotic side.
But you need to be willing to ask for things, right? What starts to happen when you're in that kind of a dance is that he says yay, you say nay, and your emphasis is on all the nays and his emphasis is on all the yays. So it's about you asking, do I want to just relax? Do I want something more sensual? Do I want us to be naughty? Do I want to just have fun? Do I want to connect?
Do I want to just be taken care of? All of these are places that we go in the erotic world. That have, you know, you can, as you just said, you can do a lot in sex and feel absolutely nothing. Women have done that for centuries. You know, in the erotic, you can do very little and feel a lot.
But for that, you need to ask for certain things and know that you have someone who really appreciates it and welcomes it. Because then, you know, he likes to give, he likes to make you feel good and happy. Even if it's just, you know, small little things, it's about pleasure, not about performance or outcome.
Does this make sense? It does. And what's interesting is one of the most challenging things about relationships and marriage in general has been communication.
I mean, sexual candor is really difficult, you know. And here's the thing. The majority of people often fall in a trap where they think that they will want more sex from talking about all the sex they don't want. Okay, you got it. You know, it's like we talk about the problem.
That's why women are reluctant. Like if we have a conversation about it, we're going to talk about it. It's going to make you want more of it. And I'm just trying to have a conversation about it. That's what you're saying, Christina. Yes. Yes.
I just want to cuddle and it's going to spark. So let me go to sleep.
Cuddle leads to other things.
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Chapter 4: How can Esther Perel's card game enhance storytelling in relationships?
They're very expensive, by the way.
Yes, yeah.
Scary at first, but very expensive.
Jan, thank you so much for sharing your story. Thank you.
Thank you so much.
And for matching the walls in the house, for wearing the blouse that matches the chair that matches the wall. I mean, really, the decor is perfect. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Erica from Texas has been married for 32 years. She has three adult children, and now she's starting to have some doubts Are you about your marriage? Tell us why.
Hello, Erica.
Oh, my goodness. Hello, Esther. Hello, Oprah. Hi. Thank you all so much for this opportunity. It truly is an honor of mine. Well, like I said, I've been married 32 years. I have three adult grown children. My husband was retired military. He retired about 10 years ago. We have spent a lot of time together. We do a lot of things together. And then about eight years ago, my mom suddenly took you.
And it was just when my husband retired. And we were looking forward to moving away and joining our lives. And it's just been a lot. And I look forward to these days. I look forward to being an empty nester. We have two adult girls who are now back in the home. I still have to check on my mom and see about her. I just got a call from the caregivers a few minutes ago.
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