Worst First Date In History - The Poop Story

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So this woman, let's call her Doocy. And Doocy has a problem. She's a little lonely. I mean, she's single. She's in her 20s living in Bristol, England, and she wants to date. So one day she gets on Tinder and she's swiping around looking for a potential match. And that is when, boom, she matches with this guy, Liam. And she thinks Liam is foint.

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So Liam and Ducey, they chat a little, they connect, and soon they make plans to go out on a date. And so they go out on this date, and they end up meeting at this well-known chicken place, and they're having a good time, and at the end of the date, Liam and Ducey, they're really feeling each other.

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So he invites her back to his place to watch a movie, and maybe, I don't know, maybe smash a little, I don't know. And she's like... Aight. And so they go back to Liam's place, and he opens a bottle of wine, and they chill, and they start watching a movie. And so far, everything seems to be going great. But then, about an hour in, Deucy gets an uncomfortable feeling in her stomach.

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So she's like, uh, yeah, I'm gonna hit up the bathroom real quick. And so, Deucy gets up to go to the bathroom, and she goes in there and she ends up dropping a whole ass deuce in Liam's toilet. But whatever, at least she finally feels better and she can get back to her date. Until... When Ducey's done using the toilet, she goes to flush and the toilet won't flush. I guess she clogged it.

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And so she low-key panics. I mean, this date is going well and she stopped up his toilet? What is he gonna think? This is gonna ruin the whole date. And she doesn't know what to do. But then she notices the bathroom window and she gets an idea. She's like, what if I just scoop it out of the toilet and throw it out the window? And so that's what she does.

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Doocy reaches down into the toilet bowl and she grabs her turd, wraps it up in toilet paper, and she quickly throws it out the window. Here's the thing about this window though. This isn't no regular window. It's actually a double window with multiple panes of glass. So her turd flies through the first window, but then it's stopped by the glass on the second window.

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And it slides all the way down and it falls into a crack between both windows. And of course, Doocy starts freaking out. She's like, what the fuck? She didn't realize the window doesn't open to the outside. So now her poop is in plain sight at the bottom of this double window situation. Here's actually what the inside of the window gap normally looks like.

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So now her turd would be resting way deep down in this crack here. And so Ducey's like, oh bloody hell, now what's she gonna do? She can't just leave it there in between these two windows. I mean, Liam will eventually see it or smell it. And so she decides the best thing to do is to tell him the truth.

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And so she leaves the bathroom, and I assume she washed her hands, but she leaves the bathroom, she goes to Liam, who is still on the couch, and she tells him exactly what happened.

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So like I dropped a load in your toilet and I accidentally clogged it up and I tried to scoop it out and throw it out the window but I didn't know you have a double window and the poop slid down and got stuck between the cracks and I don't know how to get it out.

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And Liam, he seems like a nice guy and he doesn't want to make her feel bad about it so he's like, no worries, we'll just fish it out and throw it in the bin, no problem. But now they have to access the window gap by going outside and opening the window from the outside. So they go outside and that is when they discover the outside window is completely sealed shut. Like it doesn't open at all.

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So Ducey's turd wrapped in toilet paper is trapped and it's on display for anyone walking by to see. Here's actually a photo of it and if you zoom in you can kind of see it right there wrapped in toilet paper. And so Liam's like, okay, no big deal. I'll just break the window and we'll get the dookie out that way. But no, Doocy actually has a better idea. She just happens to be an amateur gymnast.