Passion Struck with John R. Miles
The Mattering Mindset in Love: How to Choose the Love You Deserve (Part 2) | Episode
Fri, 28 Feb 2025
What if love doesn’t feel uncertain because of the person you’re with—but because you haven’t fully chosen yourself? Many people settle for relationships that leave them questioning their worth. This episode explores The Mattering Mindset in Love—the difference between being chosen out of love versus convenience, why self-worth determines the love we accept, and how to cultivate relationships that foster security and emotional fulfillment. This conversation will shift everything if you’ve ever wondered why love feels like a guessing game.Download the Leave Behind in the full show notes at: https://passionstruck.com/the-mattering-mindset-in-love/Key takeaways:Love isn’t about being chosen occasionally—it’s about being valued consistently.If you have to convince someone of your worth, they are not your person.The Mattering Mindset in Love requires mutual investment, not one-sided effort.True commitment isn’t about exclusivity alone—it’s about daily actions that reinforce security and trust.If clarity scares someone away, they were never fully invested.The right partner welcomes conversations about commitment because they value you.Settling happens when you mistake trust and familiarity for real emotional security.Speak with your feet—your actions should align with your worth, not just your desires.A great relationship makes you feel seen, heard, and valued for exactly who you are.If you wouldn’t tolerate a certain level of effort from a friend, why accept it in a relationship?Want to take this conversation further? Head over to JohnRMiles.com/speaking if you’re interested in bringing these insights into your organization, team, or event.Sponsors:Factor Meals: http://factormeals.com/factormeals50off and use code “FACTOR MEALS 50 OFFRosetta Stone: Unlock 25 languages for life at “ROSETTASTONE.com/passionstruck.”Prolon: Reset your health with 15% off at “ProlonLife.com/passionstruck.”Mint Mobile: Cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at “MINT MOBILE dot com slash PASSION.”Hims: Start your journey to regrowing hair with Hims. Visit hims.com/PASSIONSTRUCK for your free online visit.Quince: Discover luxury at affordable prices with Quince. Enjoy free shipping and 365-day returns at quince.com/PASSIONNext on Passion Struck:In the next episode of Passion Struck, John sits down with Natalie Namaste, an expert in self-healing and emotional freedom, to discuss how to break free from subconscious patterns and build a self-love foundation that transforms every relationship in your life. If you’ve ever felt stuck in toxic cycles, this is an episode you won’t want to miss.For more information on advertisers and promo codes, visit Passion Struck Deals.Join the Passion Struck Community! Sign up for the Live Intentionally newsletter, where I share exclusive content, actionable advice, and insights to help you ignite your purpose and live your most intentional life. Get access to practical exercises, inspiring stories, and tools designed to help you grow. Learn more and sign up here.Speaking Engagements & Workshops Are you looking to inspire your team, organization, or audience to take intentional action in their lives and careers? I’m available for keynote speaking, workshops, and leadership training on topics such as intentional living, resilience, leadership, and personal growth. Let’s work together to create transformational change. Learn more at johnrmiles.com/speaking.Episode Starter Packs With over 500 episodes, it can be overwhelming to know where to start. We’ve curated Episode Starter Packs based on key themes like leadership, mental health, and personal growth, making it easier for you to dive into the topics you care about. Check them out at passionstruck.com/starterpacks.Catch More of Passion Struck:Check Part 1 of this series, 'Mattering in Love: Stop Settling—Choose Love That Sees You'Catch My Episode with Jessica Zweig on How to Be the Light You Seek in the WorldWatch my interview with Dr. Nicole LePera on How to Be the Love You SeekCan’t miss my episode withKate Bowler on Why There is No Cure for Being HumanMy solo episode on The Art of Listening: How to Make People Feel Like They MatterIf you liked the show, please leave us a review—it only takes a moment and helps us reach more people! Don’t forget to include your Twitter or Instagram handle so we can thank you personally.How to Connect with John:Connect with John on Twitter at @John_RMiles and on Instagram at @John_R_Miles. Subscribe to our main YouTube Channel here and to our YouTube Clips Channel here. For more insights and resources, visit John’s website.Want to explore where you stand on the path to becoming Passion Struck? Take our 20-question quiz on Passionstruck.com and find out today!
Chapter 1: Why does love feel uncertain?
What if the reason love feels so uncertain isn't because you haven't found the right person, but because you haven't fully chosen yourself? Too many people mistake being wanted for being valued. Mistaking makes signals for mystery and inconsistency for passion. But here's the truth. Real love doesn't leave you guessing.
It's built on mutual respect, emotional security, and the belief that you matter. In episode 579, we're diving deep into the mattering mindset in love, how to recognize when you're being chosen out of love versus convenience, how to stop chasing validation, and how to build relationships that make you feel seen, valued, and truly secure.
If you're tired of second-guessing your worth in love, this conversation will change everything. Welcome to Passion Struck. Hi, I'm your host, John R. Miles, and on the show, we decipher the secrets, tips, and guidance of the world's most inspiring people and turn their wisdom into practical advice for you and those around you.
Our mission is to help you unlock the power of intentionality so that you can become the best version of yourself. If you're new to the show, I offer advice and answer listener questions on Fridays. We have long-form interviews the rest of the week with guests ranging from astronauts to authors, CEOs, creators, innovators, scientists, military leaders, visionaries, and athletes.
Now, let's go out there and become Passion Struck. Hey there, Passion Struck family. Welcome to episode 579. Whether you've been with me for a while or this is your first time, this is where we challenge conventional thinking and create lives that truly matter. Earlier this week, we tackled two powerful conversations that reshaped how we think about influence on both a global and personal scale.
On Tuesday, I sat down with Edward Fishman, author of the new book, Choke Points, to break down the hidden power of global supply chains and how economic warfare is shaping the world around us. Then on Thursday, Dr. Sandra Max joined me to explore the fascinating world of digital psychology.
how the data we generate every day is being used to influence, predict, and even manipulate our behaviors in ways we don't always realize. And today we're bringing it back to something even more personal, the way we experience love. Last time in part one of The Mattering Mindset in Love, we explored why mattering is the foundation of every great relationship.
We talked about how your self-worth shapes the love you accept, the danger of chasing validation instead of real connection, and how to recognize when you're investing in the wrong person. But that was just the beginning. Because today, we're diving deeper into the conversations that most people avoid. The ones that determine whether a relationship is built to last.
Have you ever wondered, am I being chosen or am I just convenient? Does my relationship actually make me feel secure or am I constantly questioning where I stand? If nothing changed, would I still be happy in five years? These are the questions that separate settling from thriving. In this episode, I will break down the commitment conversation. Are you being chosen or just strung along?
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Chapter 2: What is the 'Mattering Mindset' in love?
Dr. Marissa Franco is one of the world's leading experts in human connection, a New York Times bestselling author, psychologist, and TED speaker. And we discussed human connection on episode 207. And she told me, we are wired for connection, but we've been conditioned to believe only romantic love matters. And that keeps us stuck in unhealthy dynamics.
Believing we're failing if we don't have a romantic partner. But she told me the happiest people in the world build entire communities of love, not just one relationship. If clarity scares someone away, they were never truly invested. And this is the important part. The right person will want to have these discussions because they value you. So here's a key question you have to ask yourself.
Do I feel safe bringing up my needs in this relationship? Because if you don't feel safe talking about commitment, that is your answer. So now I want to get into something really important. It's a mistake we all make. Listening to words instead of watching actions. And this is something that I wrote about in my book, Passion Struck, in a chapter I called People Speak With Their Feet.
If someone truly wants you in their life, you won't have to guess. Let me say that again because it's so important. If someone truly wants you in their life, you won't have to guess. And I talked about this with relationship experts John Kim and Vanessa Bennett on PassionStruck. Vanessa shared that early in her relationship with John, she could feel him pulling away.
And instead of chasing him, she made a powerful decision. She told him, John, I know I'm awesome, and I know what I bring to the table. If you don't want it, that's fine, but I need to know. And that is self-worth in action. Because being chosen isn't enough. You need to make sure you are truly choosing too. So here are some signs that you're settling.
you're constantly questioning where you stand. You hesitate to bring up commitment because you're afraid it will scare them away. You feel like they choose you only when it's convenient, but disappear when it's not. And John admitted at the time he wasn't sure what he wanted. He was caught between uncertainty and emotional resistance. And this is something a lot of people experience.
They like you, but they're not ready for real commitment. They care, but they're not willing to show up consistently. They enjoy spending time with you, but they're still keeping their options open. And here's the truth. If someone is unsure about you, they are not your person. And this leads me into another key topic. The difference between being chosen out of love versus convenience.
It really gets down to the fundamental question, are they choosing you because they love you or because it's easy? Dr. Franco explains that too many people stay in relationships out of fear, fear of being alone, fear of change, fear of the unknown, rather than because of true connection. When someone chooses you out of convenience, you need to understand that the relationship is built on habit.
not effort. They stay because it's familiar, not because it's fulfilling. They stay out of comfort, not passion. They like having you around, but they're not actively building with you. They have the fear of being alone, not genuine love. You're a placeholder, not a priority. But when someone chooses you out of love, they show up with consistency, not just intensity.
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