Tis the damn season for hometown crushes! Carson Olshansky joins us for a story about running into your high school crush while holiday shopping. Follow Carson on Instagram @carsonolshanskyGet tickets to Kelsey's book tour here!Pre-order Kelsey's book, YOU DIDN'T HEAR THIS FROM ME, here!Subscribe to our newsletter for writing from Kelsey and Alex, blog recommendations, and bonus secrets!You can support Normal Gossip directly by buying merch or becoming a Friend or a Friend-of-Friend at supportnormalgossip.com.Our merch shop is run by Dan McQuade. You can also find all kinds of info about us and how to submit gossip on our Komi page: https://normalgossip.komi.io/Episode transcript here.Follow the show on Instagram @normalgossip, and if you have gossip, email us at [email protected] or leave us a voicemail at 26-79-GOSSIP.Normal Gossip is hosted by Kelsey McKinney (@mckinneykelsey) and produced by Alex Sujong Laughlin (@alexlaughs), Ozzy Llinas Goodman (@ozzy_llinas), and Jae Towle Vieira (@jaetowlevieira). Abigail Segel (@AbigailSegel) is our intern. Justin Ellis is Defector's projects editor. Credits read by Madeline Carey. Show art by Tara Jacoby.Normal Gossip is a proud member of Radiotopia. Learn about your ad choices: dovetail.prx.org/ad-choices
Chapter 1: What is the main topic of this episode?
This is Ira Glass, the host of This American Life. So much is changing so rapidly right now with President Trump in office. It feels good to pause for a moment sometimes and look around at what's what.
To try and do that, we've been finding these incredible stories about right now that are funny and have feeling and you get to see people everywhere adapting and making sense of this new America that we find ourselves in. If you haven't listened in a while, I honestly think these are some of the best stories we've ever done. This American Life, every week, wherever you get your podcasts.
Hi, and welcome to normal gossip. I'm Kelsey McKinney. And in each episode of this podcast, we're going to bring you an anonymous morsel of gossip from the real world.
Chapter 2: Who is Carson Olshansky?
As always, if you are desperate for more gossip and you're just like dying inside because this one episode a week isn't enough for you or you're becoming scared at the end of the season, you can always become a subscriber at supportnormalgossip.com where you'll get an extra monthly bonus episode. I am so excited to have with me today, Carson Olshansky.
Carson is a Brooklyn-based stand-up comedian and writer whom you may know from New York City Pride Fest, the New York Comedy Festival, Reductress, or that time Cara Delevingne commented on their Instagram reel. Carson, welcome. Thanks for having me. I'm excited. It's so nice to see you again. We were introduced to each other for the first time at the Williamstown Theater Festival.
Do you have anything you'd like to say about our experience at the theater festival before we move on?
Chapter 3: What was the dramatic story at the theater festival?
Oh, I loved it. I just got to be like a passenger princess, both in the literal sense of like literally being driven around. And I mean, you guys had to put, you know, produce a live show. I just got to have fun and steal snacks.
You did miss the most dramatic thing that happened. I mean, I think I got sort of a teaser of it. Yeah. The real thing is that I went dumbass mode. And I don't usually drive places because I live in a walkable city. So my car keys are just like a thing that doesn't really exist to me.
And so I put them on the floor of the rental car and then they became stuck in the like rib cage of the rental car seat. And then I could not find them. And so we spent like 45 minutes in a pure terror. Poor Alex was Googling like how to get new keys for car while I was like hyperventilating. So you're lucky that you missed that.
My perspective on this story was, you know, I was the kid who if something spilled, I was the one who spilled it. Okay. So I just like left, you know, I was about like, I forget, like an hour out. And I get a text being like, hey, any chance you took Kelsey's car keys? And I sort of read that as I absolutely took Kelsey's car keys. Totally no. Like I searched all I had like this.
I was like holding three big bags in my lap. I searched all of them and I was like, and I couldn't even find it in my bag.
Oh, I'm so sorry. So thank you for not stealing my car keys. Not thank you to me for losing them. I'm so glad I didn't. Carson, would you like to start me off with a classic first question and tell me what your relationship with gossip is?
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Chapter 4: How does Carson relate to gossip?
So, you know, those kids who like weren't allowed to have like sweets as a kid. So then when they're an adult, there's no way they're going to have a normal relationship with sweets. Yes. I feel sort of like that with gossip, not because of household restrictions, but because in like middle and high school, I had few friends and no social currency. So I just wasn't in the gossip circles.
I didn't have the like practice gossiping at those formative ages where you're supposed to be forming a healthy relationship with gossip. So now I just sort of. Go too long, too hard. Explain. Like, what does it mean to go too long and too hard? So let's say gossiping starts because someone has something juicy to share. Okay. Three hours later, you're out of juicy stuff. Uh-huh.
You know, then you're just shit-talking people you don't even dislike. I feel like I often end up there. Yeah.
And you think that that's because you missed out on some kind of like training.
Yeah, I think I just sort of like am so excited to be included in gossip. And I have such a scarcity mentality of like, if I don't keep adding fuel to this, it's going to go away.
No, Carson. You're like pulling up people's Instagrams from 2014 being like, look at this. Yeah. Wow, that's hard. You are very visible on social media. You're posting. We're both posting all the time. What is this I have heard about Cara Delevingne commenting on your Instagram reel? What is this? Explain.
So, I posted a joke about how, like... I don't think celebrity women are actually any more likely to be queer than the population overall. I think they're just more likely to have met Cara Delevingne. And Cara Delevingne commented, lol.
So she's saying it's true. Yeah, exactly. I didn't hear a denial there. I don't hear a denial. It seems like that's true for sure.
That's like when you hear, you know, a rumor that a female celebrity has dated a supermodel. Like you don't have to be that gay to want to date a supermodel.
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Chapter 5: What is the story of Tessa's holiday homecoming?
My only Christmas tradition is that every year I watch every Twilight movie. So I'm not also I'm also not doing a lot of Christmas traditions. Yeah. In this family, every Christmas is the same. Okay. Christmas Eve is like a small dinner at home. And then on Christmas morning, they drive two hours to the city where Tessa's plane landed. And that's where her mom's family lives.
So they do like big Christmas there. Everyone opens their presents. They have a big dinner, etc.
Do we like this family?
We like the family. Yeah. Everyone feels good about that. So Tessa's like, whatever. There's always chores around Christmas. Like, what kind of chores do you want me to do? And for the most part, these are normal, right? The dad's like, I need you to help me put up the Christmas tree. I need Christmas cookies for the neighbors. We got to put the lights up. Like, normal stuff.
Yeah.
But there's one more thing. And he's like, I need your help with your mother's Christmas gift. Okay. Okay. There are like a couple reasons that this is annoying to Tessa. The first is that she's like, there are only like four days until Christmas, right? Like this is stressful timing. You've now given me like four chores, including a present for my mother. Yeah.
The second reason is that Tessa's parents are so annoying about Christmas. They always demand to open each other's gifts at the big family party. And then they do this like little sketch that they do every year. Her dad opens her mom's gift. Say it's like a George Foreman grill or whiskey stones or a puzzle game or a Yeti cooler. And he's like, I hate it. It's impractical.
It takes up counter space. I don't want this. Yeah. Her mom opens her dad's gift and say it's, you know, an automatic wine opener or a Snuggie or a fancy piece of cookware. And she's like, this is too expensive and it looks cheap and it isn't like me at all. And it is so uncomfortable for everyone in this Christmas room. Yeah. How do you feel about this, like, tiff?
I, well, this is a bit of a different, because there's not the interpersonal tension element to it. But every Passover, my dad reads the same humor passage from Daniel Handler, a.k.a. Lemony Snicket. Yep. And every time we get to the four children part of the Seder, and every time he takes out his little insert, I'm just like, okay. Here we go. So it's not the same, like...
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Chapter 6: What is a ham bag and why is it significant?
Yes. I also think it's like there is a version of avoiding someone that is like creating an advantage for yourself, right? Like you're like, I want to see them when I look hot in a situation where I'm prepared to see them. Like that is like creating power for yourself, right? At this point, every moment that you don't see her is self-sabotage. Yeah. Right?
Like, you're creating bad things for yourself in this avoidance. Tess is like, I can't do it. She drives home. And she's like, I cannot buy the handbag, Dad. Like, Mom will never forgive you for buying a handbag. She's at this point reaching. She's like, it's ridiculous for a handbag to cost $60. This is true.
She's like, also, Mom will talk about it constantly for the rest of our lives and ruin everything. And in her heart, she's like, I cannot go back in there. Yeah. And her dad is like, I'll give you the money. Why didn't you just call me? I would have like reimbursed. I would have told you that I would reimburse you. And Tess is like, no, I don't want to do it. I don't want to get the handbag.
And her dad's like, how much? And Tess is like, what? And he's like, if I gave you $100 in cash and you got to keep $40 for yourself, would you do this? Would I? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I already would have done it. Now you're being paid. Yeah. Tessa's like, fine. Like, $40 is a lot for me. I want a treat. I'm a college student. She's like, here's the deal.
$40 and you take my involvement in this to the grave. Like, do not tell mom. He's like, deal. Deal.
Huge news! Our Dowager Queen, Kelsey McKinney, wrote a New York Times best-selling book of beautiful essays about gossip. It's called You Didn't Hear This From Me, mostly true notes on gossip, and I am obsessed. It's about how we use gossip to learn about ourselves. It's about Britney Spears and Weston Caleb and Gilgamesh and Picasso. It's so fun.
And not to be biased, but I kind of think it's pretty excellent. It's out right now in a hardback and a super sexy audiobook, which Kelsey narrates. You can buy wherever you buy your books. You can also go to KelseyMcKinneyBook.com to see all retailers.
Now it is the third day and she must return to the town. Does she get even cuter than the second day? She sure does. She gets even cuter. It's like hair done, light makeup, like we're looking great. How do you play this?
I mean, I'm going in there. I'm looking cute. I'm making fun of my dad to her. Yeah. Yes. Yes. We're laughing together. We're exchanging numbers. We're getting coffee to catch up on all that we've met.
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Chapter 7: Who does Tessa run into while shopping?
God, Tessa, just ask her one question about herself. You'll get an answer. That's the kind of thing of like, OK, I know I want to hear so much more about that, but I know you have to work. Would love to get coffee before I go back to school.
See, just it's great that you have game. Tessa does not have any. Tess is in the car, like, you know, looking at that little mirror that's like in the flip visor and being like, what the fuck is wrong with you? Like, why did you say you too when she said enjoy your handbag? Why didn't you ask her one question? Like, what is wrong with you? You now have the handbag and you have the teapot.
Are you feeling good? No. Okay, cool. Tessa doesn't feel good either. She feels insane. She sneaks home. She like sneaks in the handbag in her tote bag. She like tells her dad where it is. And later her dad is like, it's a little bit smaller than I was expecting. Do you think mom will still like it? And Tessa's like, I never thought she would like it.
And her dad's like, I also said to get the cream one. And Tessa's like, I really think she'll like the olive green one better. But truly, I think she would hate it even if it was custom designed for her. And her dad's like, okay, don't worry about it. By this point, it is Christmas Eve. Tessa is like sitting in her room replaying the conversation with her crush when her mom comes in. Okay.
Her mom sees the teapot like on the little table and is like, oh my God. Everything in that store is a waste of money. I do not want you spending your money in there on stupid little things. And Tess is like, okay, thank you. And her mom sighs. And you know when your mom, like, starts off with, like, a light conversation and then her face becomes very serious?
Huh?
Was Tessa's crush on Erica known to her parents? Oh, yes, it was. Okay. Then, yeah, I just say, okay, fine. Erica works there and I was trying to avoid her.
Okay.
And her mom is like, well, my friend also said that Erica works in the choppy shop across the street. And Tess is like, that's crazy. I didn't know that. And her mom's like, babe, it's like not healthy for you to drive out there day after day and like spend all your money on stupid things so that you can like pine after Erica.
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