Modern Wisdom
#935 - Crappy Childhood Fairy - Limerence Explained: Why Do We Get Addicted To People?
Thu, 01 May 2025
Anna Runkle, also known as the Crappy Childhood Fairy, is a trauma educator, Youtuber and an author. Why do some people fall so hard, so fast? It might not be love, but it could be limerence. So what exactly is limerence, what triggers it, and how do you handle it, whether you're experiencing it or the one receiving it? Expect to learn what limerence is and how it differs from infatuation or a crush, what the main emotions behind limerence is and what causes it, why some people get hardcore limerence and others don’t, if limerence is a type of mental illness or if it can be caused by just good sex, how modern media depictions of functional and dysfunctional relationships contribute to limerence, if limerence if more common in women or men, and much more… Sponsors: See discounts for all the products I use and recommend: https://chriswillx.com/deals Get up to $50 off the RP Hypertrophy App at https://rpstrength.com/modernwisdom (use code MODERNWISDOM) Get 35% off your first subscription on the best supplements from Momentous at https://livemomentous.com/modernwisdom Get the best bloodwork analysis in America at https://functionhealth.com/modernwisdom - Download Anna Runkle's free guide, Signs of Limerence.https://bit.ly/4lRHWGvClick here to order Anna's books Re-Regulated https://hayhs.com/r_pp_hc_az and Connectability https://hayhs.com/c_pp_hc_az.Click here for Anna's YouTube Channel https://www.youtube.com/c/CrappyChildhoodFairyWebsite: https://crappychildhoodfairy.com - Extra Stuff: Get my free reading list of 100 books to read before you die: https://chriswillx.com/books Try my productivity energy drink Neutonic: https://neutonic.com/modernwisdom Episodes You Might Enjoy: #577 - David Goggins - This Is How To Master Your Life: https://tinyurl.com/43hv6y59 #712 - Dr Jordan Peterson - How To Destroy Your Negative Beliefs: https://tinyurl.com/2rtz7avf #700 - Dr Andrew Huberman - The Secret Tools To Hack Your Brain: https://tinyurl.com/3ccn5vkp - Get In Touch: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chriswillx Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/chriswillx YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/modernwisdompodcast Email: https://chriswillx.com/contact - Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Chapter 1: What is limerence and how is it defined?
Limerence. I didn't even know that it was a word that existed until recently. And after doing a little bit of research, it seems to be maybe one of the hottest topics on the internet, especially something that doesn't even exist in the DSM yet. What is it? Can you give an introduction to those people like me who have no idea that this is even a word?
Limerence is this handy word for this thing that most people have experienced a little bit of, and some people, unfortunately, have completely lost their happiness over. And the phrase, the word limerence was coined in the 70s. There was a psychologist named Dorothy Tenov, and she was sort of referring to that Twitter-pated falling-in-love feeling. But...
It's evolved to mean something much more than that. It's that feeling, but then all of a sudden it sort of goes into hyperdrive and becomes this addiction level obsession with another person who you can't be with generally, either because they're not into you, they're not available, or they don't even exist. Like there are people who feel limerent about fictional characters.
Right. Okay. So the rabbit hole goes quite deep. You mentioned there that everybody has it in small doses. Does everyone who falls for someone go through limerence?
Well, technically speaking, yes. But then it sort of morphs into, especially if that person is in your life and maybe reciprocates your feelings, it'll turn into a more ordinary kind of love where, you know, because of the toothpaste cap and the toilet seat and just regular stuff of life, the magic spell starts to dissipate and real love can start to form.
So technically you can call that early love limerence. But these days I think we're talking about it as something else and is very, very common as a trauma symptom.
How is limerence different to an infatuation or a crush?
think infatuation is the right word it's just that infatuation ends before it turns sick and so you know limerence when it just gallops forward it's really like up on a level of heroin addiction i would say i've known heroin addicts i've known limerence i've experienced limerence and i've had people limerent on me and it's like that people don't get over it unless they like really go take take strong steps to get over it limerence doesn't go away infatuation does
Right. Okay. How is limerence different from unrequited love or codependency?
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Chapter 2: How does limerence differ from infatuation, unrequited love, and codependency?
I'm not a therapist, but I'm a YouTuber who gets hundreds and hundreds of letters every week from people. And there's a letter that I kept getting over and over again about the same phenomenon where somebody said, I grew up in a house with an alcoholic parent. And now I'm in love with this guy and I can't really tell him. I know he wouldn't be into me in any way.
He's married and I can't stop thinking about him. And now my whole life is falling apart and I, I should leave my job, but I can't. And so somebody is really just like going down and, When you're in love with somebody who's good for you, you'll see signs that your life is kind of coming up. That's a sign.
I heard on one of your recent interviews that you're in a relationship, and when you feel good and happy and you notice, you know what, I'm getting better as a person, that's love. That's a good partnership. When you're starting to check out
When you're starting to go down, I've sort of defined this whole, this downward ladder of stuff that happens to you when it's taking over your brain and your life. You start avoiding people. You're not emotionally available. You can't love. So it's really a different thing. And it feels like it's about the other person, but it's clearly not.
Right. What do you mean when you say it's not about the other person?
I think it starts like, oh, what a wonderful person, and I like them. But after a while, with all the secrecy, you can never tell somebody you're limerent over how you feel. And the reason is, I think some people do, it's one way that you can break the spell, because almost certainly the reason it's secret and unrequited is because they're not into you. That's what it is.
And so if you avoid telling them how you feel so that you never get that disappointment... You're holding on to this escape mechanism and people need a way to relieve, to get out of here sometimes, to get out of dodge emotionally. But this is a really malfunctioning way to do it because it almost guarantees you're not going to have anybody real in your life.
Okay, you mentioned a couple of times the sort of unrequited nature, the fact that that's almost a prerequisite for this. Does that mean then that a anxious avoidant relationship where you are. Maybe you even live together or maybe you haven't yet got together.
Does that mean that an anxious avoidant relationship that's committed and monogamous and sort of moving through the usual stages could still have this limerence in it?
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Chapter 3: What are the emotional experiences of someone going through limerence?
It, it might've been. How did you feel? I mean, what was your gut check?
Uh, that's a, I mean, she's Thai. She was Thai and, uh, 49 or, like, 50s, something like late 40s, 50s. And I was a 25-year-old club promoter, right, wearing skinny jeans and going out and sniffing unpronounceable drugs most nights. So I'm like, what is going on here? It was just interesting. The guys in the office, we used to have, like, a little giggle about it.
I didn't think anyone was too mean. It wasn't as if we were laughing at her, but it was like, huh, like, this is just a slightly unusual Thai lady that... That's what I mean.
It wasn't about you. It wasn't really something you did. She was reacting to something that was completely in her mind or her heart about it, some memory or some projection. You didn't do that.
True. I wasn't leaving little clues around. Okay, so anxiety and despair with elation.
Yeah. Yeah. Chasing the good feeling. And everybody wants that good feeling. We need love. We need to feel connected to people. But people can get limerent even when they're married, obviously. They can be limerent when they're surrounded by options, just obsessed on one person.
And it's not just because of modern times either, because there's a lot of examples in literature like Dante and Beatrice and Heathcliff and Cathy, maybe mutually limerent at different times, but not the same time, from Wuthering Heights. So it's been around. Yeah, yeah. I know. See, we love that book because it's like, see, that's what it's like. It's like that. So it's been around.
It's something that people have in their nature. And I don't think it's always because of trauma. I think kids show signs of it early. And I can't speak for everybody, but I just have an amazing sample of people who write me letters and they tell me about their life. It's like a little wheel of possibility personality types of things that happen to you and how you come out.
And I don't like to believe like every cause equals the same effect. But there's a really common denominator with people who are stuck on somebody and can't get over it with a lack of enough attention when they were kids. They didn't get seen as a person. They didn't get their personality kind of appreciated and validated like, oh, yeah, you love karate. Yeah. And that didn't happen.
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Chapter 4: What causes limerence and how is childhood trauma related?
Chapter 5: How does limerence affect relationships and attachment styles?
When it's reciprocal, people are flirting. So you sort of say, I just don't have anything to do this Saturday. And then you say, oh, that's funny. I don't either. Well, you know, it's like this very subtle exchange, but the exchange isn't happening the way you want. So your imagination takes over because I think there was something code, a secret code in what they were saying.
Next thing you know, you're looking at all their social media and they're like, oh, they like that song. And the lyrics are about really loving somebody that you can't tell. So your mind just starts to find love where there is no love, which is what you learned to do as a kid when you weren't getting loved.
What are the main emotions? It sounds to me like anxiety and despair.
Mm-hmm. Anxiety and despair. And then just like, la-la, you know, overjoyed. You know, you've got that little bit of like maybe from them.
There was a – the previous business that I was a part of for a long time, we had an office in Newcastle, the northeast of the U.K., And next door to us was a Thai massage parlor. Now, a lot of the workers of the Thai massage parlor didn't speak fantastic English. They weren't there for their sort of like secretarial skills. They were there because they could give good massages.
It was legit.
It was legit. I mean, look, we always made jokes about exactly what was going on. They seemed to be open quite late, but the women were always really nice. They were planting flower beds outside and stuff. Anyway.
One of the women that worked there, I don't think that she was limerent around me, but there was certainly some odd reading into the crypticness of what were then Facebook statuses or would now be like Instagram captions or something. I think... I'd posted something about the fact that I think all cats are bastards. I just, I'm not a cat person, right?
And someone had been talking about how much they loved their cat. And I remember thinking, this is a clever, worthy Facebook status that I should take up mindshare with. All cats are bastards, something like that. And she really loved her cat. And she messaged my business partner saying, I know that Chris has been talking about my cat. I know that he's got an issue with it. And then she apologized.
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Chapter 6: What is a limerent object and how does imagination play a role?
But what we're doing when we're going down the rabbit hole of the red flag man, the bad boy, is we stop talking to people. We don't want to tell anybody about it. We know they'll disapprove and we want to keep the little fantasy intact.
The thing that's giving us dopamine. You know what? You know, it was great. I had this conversation recently with someone who you might not... think of as a dating expert, but he gave a really wonderful explanation of how you can tell if someone's in a relationship with somebody that isn't right for them.
And he said, well, when you ask them what it is that they love about them, they start to reel off a CV as opposed to a You say, well, you know, they got really great education and they drive an awesome car and they're just, they're cool. The way that they dress is really great. And, you know, they've got this like funky, funky, like I love the way that they smell.
And it's like, none of that is actually about them. And all of it is sort of about what, it's not who they are, it's what they do. And you really want to try and fall in love with who somebody is and not what somebody does.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. But I can think of times when, I don't know, the problem person was so inappropriate that I didn't want to tell them. The CV was pathetic. You couldn't take them anywhere. This one guy, he didn't even have a pair of pants that weren't just cut off and frayed around the calves somewhere and covered with stains. And I was working for some nonprofit.
I'd be like, I want you to have a pair of pants so you can come with me. And he was like, I don't want to come with you.
Yeah.
But I held on tenaciously. I could change him.
The I can fix him meme.
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Chapter 7: Who is most likely to experience limerence and what does the typical profile look like?
And people will abandon their goals, their friendships, and to continue to just keep thinking about this person that's giving them that uplift they need. People are lonely. People are depressed. So some people, their pattern, they get out of depression by being angry all the time. And some people get out of it by thinking of a beautiful relationship that is just any day now. Obsession.
It's going to begin, yeah. Or some people fantasize about... great business success. I'm sure you've met people like that, where they're just being totally unrealistic. And every time the going gets tough, they're like, yeah, but when I've got my billion dollar whatever, and you're just like, yeah, but you don't even have a website. So it's the same thing.
And again, I don't mean to make fun of it. It's like this natural drive for us to try to express the best in ourselves, but there's this little piece missing. So we have to take bold action to, to overcome it. Now, some wounds that happen in life are like a scrape and they're going to heal naturally. Time is going to do it.
You don't even have to know how to heal it, but some are like an amputation. And if you, if you lose a leg, you know, some people have, it's not going to grow back. You can't get it back. You're You can't get it back, but there's a way to carry on. In the case of a leg, literally, you can have a prosthesis. They're pretty good now. Some people even run marathons.
There's much you can do despite this injury. And in a way, it's a healing. When you find your workaround, it's a healing, and it will work, and it's enough. It's enough for you to become fully expressed as a person and reach your potential. With limerence, it's the same thing. Something's not coming back.
Personally, when I used to go to therapy, some of the stuff they said, it just wasn't helpful. Validating my feelings about it wasn't helpful. Nowadays, I think if there's a lot of just talking about it, why, what happened, how did you end up feeling this way, that goes on too long, I think, at a certain point. It's just like, okay, now, you have to get honest with yourself.
You must stop talking about this. You have to break contact with this person, even if you have to change jobs. You know, there's just no other way.
So, I mean, I'm interested in the sort of life situation of somebody who would start to feel limerence. I get the sense that boredom, sort of a lack of purpose, a lack of distraction and fulfillment, because you would basically, limerence would be an attempt to escape yourself through those feelings.
Yeah. Yeah. And maybe even in real life, maybe you dated somebody briefly and you really felt like your life came into technicolor with them. You could really just feel like, ah, this is what it's like to be in the presence of something divine. Or you feel yourself sort of coming up and shining a bright light into the world. It feels really good in a very important way.
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Chapter 8: Can great sex trigger limerence and how should one approach dating to avoid it?
Right, because the aloofness, the intermittent contact, the lack of ability to be reassured, the lack of physical touch.
Yeah. Yeah. And I notice it with a lot of young women who are very pressured by their families to achieve things, go to school, do things that they actually weren't really craving to do themselves. It was just some expectation. They haven't really become themselves. They're living up to some parental expectation. And so there's this emptiness. And sex is amazing. You
It really changes everything, doesn't it? And it can feel like that is the thing that was missing, the only thing that was missing. But in women, especially, it lights up this whole other belief. The way that sex feels is what love is. And so if I have this experience with somebody, it's absolutely the full dimension of love and it's what I must have. And it's this particular person.
And it's very sad because... It's very sad, but I don't think that's the only reason it happens. I think there's a need for love that's totally unmet and there's a practice. It's almost like a developmental delay is how I see it.
It's like a developmental delay that you don't know how to pay attention to how I really like this about this person I'm having dinner with, but this is a little weird and that's kind of a red flag. I should ask a question about that. It just becomes a total I'm all in. Men have it too. And they have their forms of idealizing. And some guys, it's like a woman is way up on a pedestal.
The most beautiful, the most amazing. Everything she touches, there's a light coming out of her. But there's this other kind that I see where they want to save a woman. They'll ruin a perfectly good marriage because of some woman. Yeah, I had a letter from a guy. He saw a woman unconscious on the sidewalk. And he called 911 and he stayed with her. And then he went to the hospital.
And the next thing you know, his whole life became about her and what was possible there. So you can see it's not real. And in that case, with people who are fragile like that, it's the same thing. We have an ethical responsibility not to mess with their emotions. In her case, she was a drug addict. She was unconscious because she needed Narcan or something.
I listened to that episode. It was great. It was really, well, I mean, was it great? It was harrowing and fascinating.
Oh, about that guy.
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