Holding a grudge can feel like a form of justice, a way of punishing those who have wronged us. But psychologist Fred Luskin says that more often than not, grudges don't hurt the targets of our anger. Instead, they only hurt us. This week, we explore the lingering effects of long-standing animosities, and how to let them go.If you enjoyed today's conversation, be sure to check out these classic Hidden Brain episodes about apologies and forgiveness:The Power of MercyHealing 2.0: The Power of ApologiesHow to Make Amends
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This is Hidden Brain. I'm Shankar Vedant. It was a cold day in Appalachia on January 7th, 1865. A Union soldier named Asa McCoy was on his way home, wounded from fighting in the Civil War. As he neared his cabin in Kentucky, Asa was given a message, don't return home or you will be killed. A local group of Confederate militia, known as the Logan Wildcats, planned to kill Asa.
The Wildcats were led by a member of the Hatfields, a family living in West Virginia who had strong ties to the Confederate Army. Asa hid out in a cave near Peter Creek, Kentucky. But it was no use. He was eventually tracked down and shot dead. The incident is said to have sparked a famous feud between the Hatfields and the McCoys. It lasted decades.
In 1873, a McCoy family member, perhaps still seething from Asa's death, accused Floyd Hatfield of stealing his pig. A trial followed, and Floyd Hatfield was acquitted. A few years later, one of the trial witnesses was killed by two McCoys. In 1882, on election day in Kentucky, some McCoy brothers drunkenly fought and killed Ellison Hatfield, stabbing him multiple times in the back.
In retaliation, the Hatfields killed all three McCoy brothers. The feud continued into a cycle of violence that reached its peak in 1888, during what came to be known as the New Year's Night Massacre. Several members of the Hatfield gang set fire to a McCoy cabin and killed two children.
History is full of incidents that have sparked long-standing grudges, sometimes with consequences that last decades. But there also are smaller, more personal grievances that we all harbor. Perhaps you still remember some slight you experienced years ago at the hands of a friend or family member?
Today, we explore the psychology of grudges, how long-standing animosities affect our lives, and what to do about them. This week on Hidden Brain.
Don't let people live rent-free in your head.
That's a way of saying you shouldn't allow people who have wronged you to take up too much of your attention. Sounds nice, but is it realistic? We are social creatures, after all, and our interactions and relationships with others matter. When someone is kind to us, it has the power to alter our day, maybe even change the course of our lives. When someone wrongs us, it can also have large effects.
At Stanford University, Fred Luskin has spent a quarter century studying what happens when we hold on to grudges. Fred Luskin, welcome to Hidden Brain.
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