Digital Social Hour
The $10K Mistake Marketers Repeat Every Month | Frank Anderson DSH #994
Thu, 19 Dec 2024 14:00:00 -0000
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Unlock the secrets to entrepreneurial success through trauma healing! 🔓💼 Dr. Frank Anderson shares his powerful journey from childhood trauma to becoming a leading trauma expert. Discover how healing can transform your life and business! 🌟 In this eye-opening episode, Sean Kelly and Dr. Anderson dive deep into: • The surprising link between trauma healing and looking younger 😲 • How childhood experiences shape our adult relationships 💔 • The impact of conversion therapy and coming out later in life 🏳️🌈 • Breaking the cycle of generational trauma 🔄 • The hidden traumas in wealth and success 💰 Don't miss out on these game-changing insights that could revolutionize your personal and professional life! 🚀 Watch now and join the conversation on trauma, healing, and entrepreneurship. Ready to transform your life? Hit subscribe and turn on notifications for more inspiring stories and expert advice on the Digital Social Hour with Sean Kelly! 🔔 #DigitalSocialHour #TraumaHealing #EntrepreneurialSuccess #emailmarketing #leadgeneration #smsmarketing #socialmediamarketing #howtopromoteyourmusic #selfimprovement #mentalhealthadvocate #mentalhealthawareness #mindfulness #mentalhealth CHAPTERS: 00:00 - Intro 00:32 - How Trauma Affects Us 02:14 - Dr. Frank's Trauma History 08:20 - Rekindling with Your Dad 11:00 - Intergenerational Trauma 17:28 - Wealth and Trauma 20:19 - Imperfect Parenting 21:25 - Gender and Sexual Orientation 27:30 - Religious Trauma 31:20 - Common Types of Trauma 32:33 - Cultural Trauma 36:47 - Universal Experience of Trauma 38:34 - Extremes in Trauma Perspectives 39:35 - Finding Dr. Frank APPLY TO BE ON THE PODCAST: https://www.digitalsocialhour.com/application BUSINESS INQUIRIES/SPONSORS: [email protected] GUEST: Frank Anderson https://www.instagram.com/frank_andersonmd https://linktr.ee/frank_andersonmd SPONSORS: BetterHelp: https://www.betterhelp.com/DSH LISTEN ON: Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/digital-social-hour/id1676846015 Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/5Jn7LXarRlI8Hc0GtTn759 Sean Kelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/seanmikekelly/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Chapter 1: What is the connection between trauma and aging?
...now than I did 10 or 20 years ago. Holy crap. It's true. People are like, what do you use for skincare? I'm like, it's not skincare. It's healing. Because the energy of trauma has a negative effect on us. And the more I release it, the younger I think I feel and look.
I can see that because there's some old eagle where you could see the trauma on their body. Like the wrinkles, like the damage. Yeah. So that's cool. All right, guys, we're going to talk trauma today. We've got Dr. Frank Anderson. Thanks for coming on, man. It's good to be here. Thank you for having me. Yeah, important topic.
We were just talking about public school and all the trauma kids are dealing with. And is that a big reason about why you're teaching it?
It's part of the reason just because so many kids, I mean, there's a mental health crisis for teenagers right now in a big way. It's interesting, this kind of the younger population has way too much pressure and they overly identify with trauma. So it's a crazy combination for them, interestingly enough. Too much burden, too much power. And too much overwhelm. Right.
So it's not really the reason I'm into trauma. I've been doing it my whole life, really since 1992. But it's because of my own trauma history, honestly. Got it. Truth be told, you don't spend your life in trauma treatment unless you have a trauma history. I'm sorry about that. Thank you.
yeah right now the traumas are different and more evolved because of social media but you were dealing with a different type in 92 right high percent so what was that trauma like and what was the the process to overcome that yeah well it's here i am 61 years old so it's been a lifelong journey i look great probably 61. thank you i would never guess that isn't that i'm super lucky i actually think it's all the healing that i've done honestly makes me look younger i probably look younger now than i did 10 or 20 years ago holy
It's true. It's people are like, what do you use for skincare? I'm like, it's not skincare. It's healing because the energy of trauma has a negative effect on us. And the more I release it, the younger I think I feel and look. I could see that because there's some old people where you could see the trauma on their body. Like the wrinkles, like the damage. Yeah. So that's cool. 100%. 100%.
They didn't send me away to a camp, but I was weekly therapy and kind of programmed to be like a normal boy. You have to play sports. You have to play baseball. You have to go fishing. You have to do hunting. Here, shoot this gun, like all this kind of stuff. My parents regret it now looking back, but back then being gay was a disorder. Right. It was.
It wasn't until like the 80s that it got taken out of the like the D to 7, stuff like that. So from a very early age, I was told you are wrong. There's something wrong with you. You're a problem and you need to change. So I held that for most of my life. In addition to that, my dad was pretty abusive physically and verbally.
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Chapter 2: How do childhood experiences influence adult relationships?
Not really. No. There was a family member who had mental illness when I was in college. It freaked me out. Like, they were screaming, there's spiders on my face. They were getting psychotic. They were bipolar, right? And that was like...
hugely impactful for me at the time i didn't know like it impacted me because it tapped into like my own pain i was more like focused on their pain i gotta help them i gotta help them but you know surprise surprise here i am later it's like oh a lot of this is more about
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me than it is about helping others it's also about helping others don't get me wrong right but yeah that's been my journey of helping people heal from trauma all different kinds wow yeah you had a few there you had the trauma of being gay and then the parental trauma yeah those are two really difficult ones
And then the combination, my mom, and this happens typically if you've got an abusive parent in some way, you have a passive parent. So my mom was very passive and kind of tolerated everything. She needed the family to stay together because she wasn't strong enough to leave him. So it is what it is. I'm glad I'm here now. I can tell you that.
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Chapter 3: What is intergenerational trauma?
I didn't make it that way, but that is the way it is because we're trying to heal. We're trying to heal. So I did the female version. I married my mother. I became my father. I'm like, that didn't work, right? And so then when I came out, the first relationship, surprise, surprise, I'm with this guy. totally abusive and controlling, and I was passive like my mother.
I'm like, shit, like nothing's working. Neither side is working for me, right? This is not working, right? And then after I did enough healing, after I stopped repeating, right, I met this man who I'm married to now 25 years. Nice. And he was kind and gentle and different than anything I had ever known. But it does take working through your stuff.
Otherwise, we're just kind of, we tend to repeat it. Right. That's powerful the way you worded that, because some people are healing while they're in relationships, but you healed before.
Yeah. Some people, you're lucky if you pick somebody who you can have a healing relationship with, because relationships, of course, can be super healing. But oftentimes, if you have trauma that you haven't worked on, you end up repeating it in somewhere. So yeah, my relationship with my husband now is super healing. Amazing. Best relationship I've been in for sure.
Yeah, because divorce rates are at all-time highs. That's why they're at all time highs. It's because we pick people who are similar to our history as trying to work on our shit list. Right. And everyone's got some trauma.
I'm so glad you say that because that's my belief. There's this whole like, there's a certain segment of the population that's like, not me, I'm tough and strong, I don't have trauma. That's for people in vets or something like that, right? And then there's this younger population who's like, oh my goodness, I sneezed, it's traumatic, I can't do it. Do you know what I mean?
There's this like, this Gen Z population is so like, sensitive, and they are traumatized in some ways. So there's a middle ground. I think everybody personally has overwhelming life experience. I don't know any person who hasn't had some difficulty in some way. It's impossible. Life is designed to be up and down.
Isn't it? And I think here's what I say about it. It's like we have our every moment. You can repress it. You can repeat it. Or you can repair it. And I kind of think, like, we have a choice. And, you know, I was in repeat mode. Most people are. Right? I was until I stopped repeating it and started repenting.
So many people are attracted to these toxic relationships and they don't know why. They just keep going to the next guy or the next girl. They don't know what's related to their upbringing.
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Chapter 4: How does wealth relate to trauma?
100%. That's great. And the abandonment stuff, like that's often really early. And so you don't even have conscious awareness. It can happen at a really young age. So you're like, what are you talking about? So it's good to have that awareness. It's great that you're doing that work. Yeah. You may be better off and not wait till 60.
Like I am, right? Yeah. I caught a bee prior to that. Really? Yeah. Everything these days, health. I think people wait too long to address certain issues, man. I agree. I totally agree. Yeah. Because the longer you wait, honestly, the worse.
100%, you keep repeating it. And this is another piece I'll say is transgenerational trauma. Because if you don't do your work and you get in a toxic relationship and you have kids, you pass it down. Right. You pass it down. 100%. 100%. 100%. It's not for parents.
You think about anger. If it's done appropriately, it's a healthy boundary. Like, no, this is no good for me. No, I don't want to do that. But most anger is about attacking and hurting. And so that's the cycle that gets perpetuated.
Chapter 5: What are the effects of conversion therapy?
Right. And I think the kid goes one of two ways. Either shut down completely, which happened to me. My mom was, you know, strict Asian household. Education was important. And then my dad was opposite. Ran away from every problem. So I kind of went down that road. Yeah.
Yeah, we'd go hyper or hypo. Like from a neurophysiologic point of view, you could get anxious, overwhelmed, panic, freak out, or shut down, disconnect, and dissociate. Yeah. Like those are our two main kind of adaptations or responses to overwhelming experiences.
Yeah. Yeah, it was very hard for me to have difficult conversations. So I would just shut down. And I would suppress my emotions. Did you suppress your emotions growing up?
I totally suppressed my emotions for sure. I did not know what the hell I felt. I was so disconnected. I married a woman. How disconnected can I be? You know what I mean? So I was very disconnected, but I was also a fighter. I had this thing in me, like I have one brother and two sisters. We were always at the...
the dinner table and I sat next to him, like my dad was at the head of the table, I sat next to him. And I had this like, I have to take care of my siblings. So I would speak up, I would say shit. Were you the oldest? I was the oldest. Got it. I felt that responsibility. So I didn't just only shut down, I also fought. Like I had a part of me that fought and a part of me that shut down, right?
And so I would get the cracks, you know, when I would say something that was against him in any kind of way. I did both. Yeah, there's challenges with each child, right? The oldest, the youngest, and the middle sometimes gets neglected. It's interesting. Yeah. Yeah. And parents say they don't have favorites, but they do.
Kids feel it. You feel it. I have two kids right now, and... It's interesting, I don't feel like I have a favorite, but boy, it's so much easier to get along with one than the other, because we're more similar, Junari and me, and we have more in common. And so it's harder for me, but I love them differently. But I bet my younger will say, well, you like Logan better than you like me.
Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Because it's just an easier relationship for them. I feel that. That's how my dad was with my other two brothers. Right. Yeah, he got along with them, could understand them more. Interesting. I was kind of like that wild card. You didn't fit in in a way that was easy for him.
No, because those brothers were from a different mother, so they were close, and then I was an only child. Yeah, lonely life going on, man. That's right. Yeah, it was tough. Yeah. And each, even if you are born into money, this is what I'm finding out with studies, there's still trauma.
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Chapter 6: How can we break the cycle of trauma?
Sometimes more or in a different way. Yeah. Because, you know, I've worked with many people who have the means and there's a way that the money will fix things and you don't have to be there emotionally, you can provide. Yeah. Right? So there's a way that offering things and stuff is this like supplement for actual love and connection.
Right. They could buy. They think they could buy their way out of.
I yeah. And like I live in Boston as well as living here in L.A. and we live in kind of a wealthy suburb. Just parents are like, here's my credit card. Take care of my kid. Yeah, it's kind of it's pathetic. You know, talk about why kids, why kids are in such a crisis. It really is the deal now for every parent. I don't want to say that, but it does happen.
And money is like this commodity in this exchange for love. Right. Yeah, that nurturing component is super important. How's your parents? Yeah, you're probably so aware of all this as a parent.
Well, I am. You know, I do it for a living. I'm aware of it as a parent. And I will tell you, I also made mistakes for sure. Really? I just did a podcast episode with my oldest son on transgenerational trauma. It was amazing. And he's telling me of the ways that I failed. And I was like, whoa, which was so good. He was honest with you? That honest with me.
We've worked through a lot of stuff together. Yeah, there was this striving for me to be successful, to get my father's love that caused my son to feel neglected. Yeah, you were working so hard.
I was working so hard for his love. To some degree, I was neglecting my own kid because I was traveling all over the world talking and speaking to get my dad's love. Wow. The other thing was that my youngest son is special needs. He's on the autism spectrum. And so we were so focused on the younger one, my oldest felt neglected.
And when he said it to me, he was so mad. He was like, so mad. And like, you did this and you did this and you're controlling and you didn't provide structure.
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Chapter 7: What role does parenting play in trauma?
I was like, you're absolutely right. It totally disarmed her. Was that what? I'm like, you're right. If that's the way you feel, you're right. And I am sorry. He was not expecting that. Right? Right? He was, I got defensiveness. He, I was like, you're right. I'm going to tell you your experience is wrong. Like I know better. Right? So I, we really had a good, we had a great conversation.
We've worked through a lot of stuff and no parent's perfect. Like why? We're not supposed to be. It's more problematic when you can't admit what you do wrong, even if you're well-intended. My parents about the conversion therapy will say, we did what we thought was best for you. We wanted you to have a normal life. We didn't know what was going on, and I believe that.
Even though it was such a, excuse me, like a fucked up thing, they had good intentions. They didn't know. Right. They wanted the best for you in their eyes.
They're like, oh, Frankie's playing with the Barbie doll. That's a problem. We have to fix it so he'll have a normal life. That was their mentality. I mean, little did they know it. sent me down this trajectory of totally disconnecting from myself and being somebody I wasn't. I was shocked it was around back then, because it's making a lot of headlines these days.
It's illegal in a lot of states now. Oh, it is? Yes. Okay. Yeah, not everywhere, but in a lot of places. And nowadays, they'll send you away for a camp, right? Back then, it was like every week I went. Yeah. Tuesday night, 7 o'clock.
Yeah, so I saw Elon's interview with Jordan Peterson and he was talking about this. Oh, I didn't. No, I didn't. So one of Elon's kids did convert in therapy. Wow. And he said that kid is dead to him. Because he believes he was brainwashed. I don't know which gender changed to what, but that kid, he feels like is no longer his kid because of that. So he totally disconnected from his kid.
Yeah. His kid made a statement as well of saying he's, you are not valid. Wow. Really? Yeah. He feels like his issue with it is he feels like it was programmed into that kid and it wasn't the kid's decision. You know what I mean?
Yeah. See, that's not true. I'm sorry. But my view, right? Like, why the hell would you choose it? Who's going to choose that? Like, did you choose straight one day? Like, I think I'll be straight. Nobody chooses, in my experience. I tried to choose straight. I really tried to choose straight. You were forcing it. I was forcing it. And I had sex with women. I could do that.
But no, I work so hard to try and choose strength. I work so hard. So you're born with it.
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Chapter 8: How can healing from trauma transform your life?
Well, here's the thing. Parents aren't putting this thought in the kid's head. Don't kid yourself. Aren't you Susie instead of Johnny? No parent is saying that, right? But I agree with you. Kids try on different personas. as norm of development. And if you jump too quickly on that, it could be problematic. Right.
So that I agree with, you know, and when I've worked with transgender youth, there's a team of people, not one person, a psychiatrist saying, OK, go on hormones. You have a team of people. You evaluate them for many years. And some of these hormones have permanent effects if you start taking hormones. So it's not a decision that should be made lightly. Yeah.
So I agree with that because some people are like, oh, have you ever heard queer till graduation? Queer till graduation? So there's this phrase now that some of these people in college are like, I'm going to be queer till graduation. Like, I'll have sex with men and women just to try it out, and then I'll decide later. Fuck. You know, so we try on a lot of things when we're younger. Yeah.
You know, and gender might be one of them. You know, I'm a tomboy. Does that mean you're really a boy? Does that mean you're a girl that likes to be rough and, you know, rugged? Let kids really tease it out over time. And I don't think we should jump too quickly, but I don't think we should say it doesn't exist either. Tomboys are cool when I was growing up. Right.
I remember those days in elementary school. You get a lot of religious trauma, because that's something I'm trying to educate on the show, actually.
Yeah. So it's one of the things, I've done a lot of work with individual trauma, people growing up in dysfunctional families. there's also institutional trauma. And institutional trauma is a whole other thing. Like we've all experienced global trauma from the pandemic. Everybody's been traumatized in that. But yeah, there's more and more awareness of institutional trauma.
Whether it's in corporations, you know, people being treated differently, women being paid differently and all this kind of stuff, you can have traumas in institutions. And religious trauma is a whole other layer of complexity. At the trauma center where I work with Bessel van der Kolk in Boston, we worked with priest abuse many, many years. So that's actually going on? huge illegal.
Sure, rumors of it. In the Catholic Church particularly, but not only. And so there's an abuse of power, which is what trauma is anyways, sexual trauma. But when you add the dimension of spirituality or God or whatever it is, it adds a layer of shame. It adds a layer of, I am so bad and wrong. And the abuse of power is different than I'm an adult. I am a member of God, right?
So it adds a layer of complexity for people when they've been abused by somebody because it's more than abuse of power. It's like using spirituality, right? Abusing religion in a manipulative way, which really messed people up. Confused people. I'll tell you a little bit about my husband in that way.
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