Jackie Schimmel joins Call Her Daddy and she has a lot to say. After roasting the CHD studio, Jackie reflects on her personal evolution and how she went from a gingivitis-having, headgear-wearing preteen to the beautiful Bitch Bible creator she is today. Jackie is so recklessly confident that she faked a diploma from UCLA in order to get a job - and it worked. We’ve all encountered a high school or college mean girl, but how do we handle mean girls in adulthood? Alex and Jackie discuss their experiences with mean women and give advice on how to respond with humor. Jackie opens up about the loss of her mom. She shares how she handles grief and advises exactly what NOT to say to someone who is dealing with loss. Jackie comes in hot this episode to defend the ankle boot, praise super-ultra tampons and compare her local Home Depot to the Victoria’s Secret runway.
Chapter 1: Who is Jackie Schimmel and what is her background?
I don't know what's wrong with me. I appreciate you coming on because I'm desperate for a guest right now. We're on the holidays. We can't get anyone.
Don't you even look me in the eye and say desperate for a guest or I will shank you in the backyard. Desperate for a guest, Alex Cooper?
Jackie, you are like... I don't have guests. No, you know what? I wanted to say... Anyone that is new, you have balls. Oh no, you've got a big vagina. Massive. Massive. And don't you always talk about how you have to put like multiple tampons?
But you know what? Here's the thing. And if there's one thing that I want to say on Call Her Daddy today is that my vagina is not wide, it is shallow. So for a long... I have a very shallow vagina and I'm a woman of extreme efficiency. So like, I don't understand light girlies. Like you go to fucking CVS and you're getting tampon lights. We already have to deal with the pink tax.
Now I'm having my Gloria Steinem moment.
Get ready for it.
Oh, we love it. We already have to pay the pink tax. All boxes of tampons are the same price. Okay. So why would you go light when you can go? Okay. Just from a fiscal standpoint. Wait, do you buy the ultras? Fuck yeah. I have fit two ultras inside of me, side by side, like fighter pilot jets. Like fucking Top Gun.
One time I bought, I thought I was buying super, and I realized I bought super plus, and I was like, oh, this is like in the big leagues. I didn't even know there was ultra. I can raw dog ultras. Yes.
And you think about it. OK, you're either like changing lights every 20 minutes or you alter that shit. You're ready to rumble. You could fly to fucking Abu Dhabi. Have you ever bled through an old truck? Fuck yeah. Yeah.
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Chapter 2: How did Jackie Schimmel fake her UCLA diploma?
How did you come up with this? How did you make it happen? And are you good at Photoshop?
You know what? I Photoshop didn't exist back then, but I did have the paint app humble brag. So you created a fake diploma from UCLA. I had gone to community college for literally one day and, Couldn't have been, like, less interested. I was like, this is terrible. I graduated high school with a 1.8 GPA. Wow. It's, like, my favorite thing to drop in.
Wait, really? Literally, yeah. Just no interest in school?
None. None.
No drive?
No. No concern that, like, you wouldn't get a job? No. I wasn't, like, thinking that far ahead. I kind of just figured, like, I'll just, like, get in there and, like, you know. Whatever.
The confidence. Delusion. The fact that you were like one point whatever the fuck GPA. How do you even also even get that?
It's actually quite an accomplishment. You basically have to fail everything. It's like straight D's. It's like D's and C's. Yeah.
For four years. So then you go to community colleges for one day.
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Chapter 3: What is Jackie Schimmel's take on confidence?
Chapter 4: How do we deal with mean girls in adulthood?
And like comfortable. And yes, I do have like slight OCD tendencies as diagnosed by a licensed professional. But I feel like so alive and present when I'm by myself. I don't feel like I got to start tap dancing.
Yes. And I'm happier. Me too.
okay bye bye bye guys gotta go no I appreciate that can you explain what gingivitis is and also sure did you have to publicly wear an adhesive headgear no only no no no I didn't but like sleepovers weren't a thing I did have like those rubber bands that like really and unfortunately I've always loved a mixed metal so I would go like gold
silver like brackets like on my braces okay so you had gingivitis is a condition a dental medical condition in which you have hypersensitive inflamed gums so I had an allergy to the cement on the braces you know so my gums like I had no teeth it was just gum and metal and then I would have to get my braces off every month which is why I had them for almost five years because I needed to let the gums breathe
yeah and they would just bleed constantly i just always i mean bleeding out of my vagina bleeding out of my gums it's a it's a why do i feel like that made you this is so insulting why do i feel like that made you
A mouth breather.
Am I a mouth breather? I probably am.
No, I feel like back in the day.
Back in the day.
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Chapter 5: What should you not say to someone dealing with grief?
Chapter 6: Why does Jackie defend ankle boots?
That is drama.
It's very drama. I'm like, where are you? Roll up.
She should be nervous.
What else is she doing? She just got some kids, whatever. Yeah, big whoop.
Wow.
Hi, Morgan.
Hey, Morgan. I'm putting you on. Am I not doing this right? Okay, here I am. I'm so stressed out. I got it.
Tell her she's being recorded.
It's illegal.
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Chapter 7: What was the controversy surrounding ankle boots?
Okay. Okay. Because I think this is the thing. How many people wear an ankle boot and then there's like your pant goes over it and you're wearing a fucking boot with a jean. Great. Great.
You don't know. Fine. No problem with that. But when you're wearing.
Yes. Yes. But when you're wearing a dress or a skirt or even shorter jeans. It's a little 2012. Yeah. It's like Aldo, Steve Madden. We're giving. Doesn't work.
Inland Empire Nordstrom. It never elongates. And also, just to be very clear so everybody at home understands, if you're also wearing a skinny black pant or jean and it fits into the ankle boot, you still don't tuck the pant into the boot. Okay.
Okay.
Unless it's a baggy ankle boot and it's like an Isabelle Morant style, that works.
I was just going to use that as a counter argument. Oh, oh, oh. I literally, Morgan Stewart, I was just going to say, as someone with gorgeous shins, you know how Isabel Marant does that little dip in the front? That little dip dip?
Me looking good in the dip dip. Yeah, so Jackie's been bragging about her shins. Oh, we just hung up. Okay, apparently.
Okay, bye.
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