Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Alison Wood Brooks (on the science of conversation)
Wed, 19 Feb 2025
Alison Wood Brooks (Talk: The Science of Conversation and the Art of Being Ourselves) is a behavioral research scientist. Alison joins the Armchair Expert to discuss why growing up as a twin is like watching an alternate version of your own life, how we underestimate the complexity of chin wagging, and the reality that human connection is not just about transactional information exchange. Alison and Dax talk about Kant’s sparkling smart people dinner party rules, how hungry we can be to extract vulnerability from others while being hesitant to share it ourselves, and how asking more questions creates magic in one’s personal life. Alison explains research she’s done into the relationship between humor and power, how asking more questions creates magic in one’s personal life, and why saying “I’m sorry” is more powerful than “I love you.”Follow Armchair Expert on the Wondery App or wherever you get your podcasts. Watch new content on YouTube or listen to Armchair Expert early and ad-free by joining Wondery+ in the Wondery App, Apple Podcasts, or Spotify. Start your free trial by visiting wondery.com/links/armchair-expert-with-dax-shepard/ now.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
Chapter 1: Who is Alison Wood Brooks and what is her expertise?
Wondery Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad-free right now. Join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Expert, Experts on Expert. I'm Dan Shepard and I'm joined by Lily Padman. Hi. Today we have Dr. Allison Wood-Brooks.
She is a behavioral research scientist and professor at Harvard.
At Harvard. That's a very fancy name.
Harvard Business School.
That's right. HBS.
HBS. She has a new book out right now called Talk, The Science of Conversation and the Art of Being Ourselves. She is an incredibly good guest.
So fun. And I do think we take for granted conversation. We think we're just going to show up and be able to do it. I really, really like this in the context. I mean, in general, but dating, which we talk about a fair amount and why a lot of these are not very successful.
You actually put no time into planning how you're going to converse.
There's like real tricks for conversation.
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Chapter 2: Why is conversation more complex than we think?
I grew up in upstate New York in the Finger Lakes area. Very Rust Belt-y. Yeah. When I was growing up there, not fancy. Since I've moved away and become an adult, it's a beautiful place, and I think the world is more onto it now.
Okay, so what's really exciting, and it comes up quite often, this topic, and in fact, we are in search of a great twins expert.
Oh! Am I the expert? Maybe. I think I might be the expert.
I think you're too close to it to be an expert.
That's a good point. Won't be as objective. A lived expert.
Sarah is your identical twin. Yes. I don't think I ever really considered this. It's adjacent to self-awareness. We all strive to have a good deal of self-awareness, but you articulate it in the book and I wouldn't have considered this as you also have like an external version of self-awareness where you get to watch her move through the world and try things and see how they react.
That's very peculiar, isn't it? In an interesting way.
Seeing if being more outspoken, like you can't say, well, it's because they look like this. All the factors are the same.
So that is very interesting. And we all have multiple selves. But as a twin, you get to see one of your sort of selves outside of your body. It's an amazing, lucky life. I don't know anything else, but it's really quite something.
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Chapter 3: What is the significance of being an identical twin?
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Chapter 4: How does conversation relate to negotiation and communication?
What's up? What are you doing? Do you like coffee? Do you like bagels? Here's the things I like. And I cook. You would hit them. And if they didn't respond, you wouldn't give a fuck because you're like, I'm hot and I got a great career and I'm everything.
Yeah. Yeah, I don't do that. I don't know how to do it. I don't know what that's like. Yeah.
And I think most people don't.
Yeah.
And I think a lot of people are afraid to go pursue someone they want.
It's scary.
I think my success in life has solely been as I wasn't afraid or I overcame my fear to go say hi to everyone at the bar that I liked.
Yeah.
I just got in there. And these other guys that they probably would have rather been with just never came up and said hi to them. And they were stuck with me. But I'll take it.
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