[video available on spotify] you want to know what absolutely terrifies me? the permanence of the internet. i am tortured by it. but at the same time, i know it’s just something i have to deal with as a public figure who documents their life online. maybe it affects me more than the average person, but i really think this is something most people in the 21st century - especially my generation - struggle with. let me tell you why the permanence of the internet keeps me up at night. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Chapter 1: What terrifies Emma about the internet's permanence?
You want to know what just absolutely terrifies me, keeps me up at night, and then when I finally fall asleep, fuels my nightmares? Let me tell you about the permanence of the internet. This is a reality of life that I contemplate multiple times a day. And not in like a sort of beautiful, introspective way.
No, I contemplate this reality of life multiple times a day in fear, in a panic, overcome with anxiety. Okay, I am tortured by the permanence of the internet. Tortured. And it's kind of funny because... I am as tortured by the permanence of the internet as I am because of my own voluntary actions. Okay, I made the decision to post the last seven years of my life on the internet. I did that.
I made that choice. Now I'm sort of tortured by it and it's like, okay, but I did it to myself. That's a reoccurring theme for me. Okay. I often sort of get myself into the most uncomfortable predicaments in my life. Usually I'm the one who did something wrong to get myself there.
Although I don't think I did anything wrong because I actually have no regrets, even though I am completely tortured by the permanence of the internet. I also am aware that it is something that I have to deal with in order to be on the internet. Like, the internet is not the internet if it's not permanent. That is a key detail.
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So I vaped a lot this weekend after a long time of not really vaping. And so I think my chest is a little bit tight because of that as well. I'm also feeling a little weird, I think, because I'm probably withdrawing a little bit from nicotine. So if my vibe is like off, it's because I'm kind of dissociating from nicotine withdrawals. And I feel weird.
Like my brain and body equilibrium is very off. Would I love to hit a vape right now? Yes. But no, I don't own vapes anymore. I only hit other people's. Anyways, I will say, I do think that I am more significantly affected by this reality of life, the permanence of the internet, than the average person because my entire life and my entire career is on the internet.
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Chapter 2: How does the permanence of the internet affect public figures?
For most people, it's still not fully that extreme yet, but it's still a concern. And it's something that deeply, deeply affects me personally. It's something that for the last few years has fucked with me psychologically in a number of ways. Okay.
Number one, I've struggled with something that I think every public figure has struggled with, which is the fear of being canceled for something that I did when I was younger and dumber. In the age of the internet, and growing up in the age of the internet, everything that I did as a middle schooler and high schooler is documented, okay? In middle school and high school, we all had iPhones.
It was like when the iPhone first came out and we all finally got them. And we were all filming and taking photos of absolutely everything. And I... would be lying if I said that I don't worry sometimes about like what the fuck I did. I know I probably did some shit that I would absolutely regret now. Was I ultimately 13 years old?
Yeah, I was 13 years old, but it doesn't matter because something that I did as a 13 year old, not knowing how things could be hurtful or mean or disrespectful or like not knowing, being so young and completely aloof. We have no clue what the fuck is going on. We have no clue what we're doing. We have no clue what we're saying. We have no clue the repercussions of anything. We're rebellious.
We don't care. Like the fact that that phase of my life is in some ways permanent through fucking Snapchat memories and shit. on my own phone and other people's phone. This is something I don't like. This is a reality that I don't like. This is something that really, really bothers me. And it bothers me because I've worked so hard to become the person I am today.
I've been scolded by my fucking parents for saying shit that's disrespectful, saying shit that's morally wrong, doing shit that's disrespectful, doing shit that's morally wrong. I've gotten my ass handed to me already. I've learned my lessons. Who I am today, I'm very proud of. Do I make mistakes still? Do I do things still that could potentially... I don't know.
Tomorrow, somebody could come out and say, one time Emma was rude to me. And I might think of me like, oh my God, that was a week ago. And you know what? That's true. I don't fucking know. We live half of our lives in autopilot. So is there still a risk today? Yes. However, who I am today... I am in control of. This is me today.
I am the product of every single mistake I've ever made in my entire life. And I'm better for it. And I really am proud of my character today. So I'm tortured in a lot of ways by this person who is almost not even me anymore, right? Like me as a child with barely developed brain, like in the age of the internet, that is not just a distant memory. That is permanent memory. Right.
And the idea of being judged for my past as though it's the present, it's a hard pill for me to swallow. I think it's a hard pill for a lot of people to swallow. And I think that sort of leads me to this other complicated sort of terrifying element of the permanence of the Internet. The fact that.
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