[video available on spotify] hello and welcome back to advice session, a series here on anything goes where you send in your current dilemmas or anything that you want advice on, and i give you my unprofessional advice. today, we're gonna be discussing very complex figures in our lives: our exes. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Chapter 1: What complex figures in our lives are we discussing?
Hello, and welcome back to Advice Session, a series here on Anything Goes where you send in your current dilemmas or anything that you want advice on, and I give you my unprofessional advice. And today we're going to be discussing a very complex figure in our lives, and that would be our exes. Once we were lovers and now we're strangers. Once we showed them our butthole. Now we show them nothing.
Once it brought us joy and pleasure to see them at the end of the day. Now It brings us fear and anxiety and pain to see them at the end of the day, perhaps at a bar or maybe at a party or at a restaurant. It causes almost always negative emotions. And even if it causes positive emotions and you're happy to see your ex, there's usually some sort of negative undertone.
It's very unnatural to date somebody and be incredibly close to them and then one day break up and then become complete strangers, right? It's a very unnatural experience, and it's very painful, and it's very weird, and it's very complicated. And today, I'm gonna do my best to give you advice about it, okay? So without further ado, let's begin.
I briefly paused this episode to let you know that this episode of Anything Goes is presented by Temptations Cat Treats. Your cat will come running for the perfectly irresistible Temptations creamy puree and Temptations lickable spoon cat treats. The best time to feed lickable cat treats to your cat is anytime.
Feed by hand for a playful moment, in a bowl for a creamy treat, or as a topper to make mealtime fun. Visit TemptationsTreats.com to learn more. Now let's get back to the episode. Somebody said I broke up with my boyfriend, but he still loves me and wants to stay in touch. What do I do? Well, a lot of people do not recommend staying in touch after a breakup. I'm one of those people.
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Chapter 2: How can staying in touch with an ex affect healing?
I tend to believe that it's best to give each other at least a few months of space after the breakup to properly start the healing process. Otherwise, it's impossible. If you stay in touch, it's impossible. Every time you speak to your ex, it's like ripping off the Band-Aid again from the wound that was created from the breakup.
And then like pouring salt into it and like putting bacteria into it and like causing an infection. And then, you know, when you stop talking again, then you start healing again. And, you know, you put Neosporin on it and you put a Band-Aid and maybe you get stitches and it's good. And then you talk to them again and then you rip out all the stitches and then you pour more salt in it.
And then you, you see what I'm saying? It's like kind of impossible to heal if you're still in contact because every time you talk, you're ripping off the Band-Aid again and making the wound worse. However, that's not a one-size-fits-all sort of solution or path forward. Everybody's different. Every relationship is different. And you have to ask yourself what you need. Listen,
Your ex might still love you and they might really want to stay in contact. But now that you're broken up, you need to ask yourself what you need. You're not in a partnership with this person anymore. Their needs are no longer your responsibility. And they weren't really before. But when you are in a relationship, you do need to be more attentive. You do need to pay attention.
You do need to be more thoughtful of your partner's feelings. In theory, you know, that's, I think, healthy. But once you're broken up... you are now, like there is no relationship anymore. You are back in a relationship with yourself in a new way.
You should always have a relationship with yourself, even when you're in a romantic relationship with somebody else, but you're not taking any of your attention and putting it on anyone else anymore. Now your attention needs to be on yourself again. Maybe your friends and your family and your loved ones, but anyway, it doesn't matter. You are not putting effort into compromising yourself
with this person anymore. You're not together anymore. So forget what your ex wants. Forget what's going to make them happy. That's not your concern anymore. Now it's you. What do you want?
And if you know deep down that it's best for both of you, but especially you, to be in a situation where there's no contact, potentially indefinitely, maybe for a certain amount of months, then that's what you need to communicate to your ex. You need to say, listen, neither of us are going to be able to heal, but especially me, I'm not going to be able to heal if we're still in contact.
So this just isn't going to work. Sorry. It's just not gonna work. If I see you around, you know, great. Wish me a happy birthday maybe, but like, that's it. You know, I just, this isn't gonna work.
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Chapter 3: Is it normal to still think about an ex daily?
You know, you just have to be patient with yourself. And listen, there are ways to sort of pivot your mindset and be like, okay, you know what? We're thinking about our ex. Let's think about something else. You know, you can find different ways to sort of reroute your train of thought.
If you start thinking about your ex, maybe you sort of decide like, okay, every time I think about my ex, I'm going to retrain my brain to start thinking about like this creative project or I'm going to go do chores. Like, I don't know. There are ways to train your brain to stop thinking about your ex. But to be honest, I think the only thing that solves it is time. Sorry.
But to answer your question, I think it's normal. And I have done it after every single relationship for months to years. And I don't think that... There's anything wrong with that. And to be honest, your ex is thinking about you every day too, okay? We tend to assume that we are down worse than our exes. Sometimes it's true to an extent, but breakups are hard for absolutely everyone. Everyone.
Even if your ex cheated on you, like, it doesn't matter. It's always hard. Because being that close to somebody, being that bonded to somebody... means something to everybody. It's a deep, significant emotion for everybody. So it's impossible to break up and then immediately forget about your ex.
And it's especially challenging if you or your ex maybe move on quickly because maybe you just found somebody new who's awesome. And then the person who didn't move on quickly is like, oh my God, they obviously, you know, never loved me that deeply. They just moved on and like, six months. Like, how is that even possible? They still are thinking about you every day. Eventually they won't.
And eventually you won't. But you know what I'm saying here? Anyway. Okay, moving on. Somebody said, I still feel like my ex is the only person who has ever understood me. And I'm scared there isn't anyone else out there for me. Another soulmate. How do I move on? I'm about to say something that might come off as rude. And I do not mean it like that. But I've felt this way before.
And then at some point, somebody said what I'm about to say to me, either through the internet, meaning they didn't say it directly to me, they just said it on the internet and I heard it, or somebody said it to me, I don't remember. But this stuck with me, even though I can't remember who said it. And I'm gonna butcher it too. I have no idea even how to word it.
I just have the vague idea in my head. There are seven, maybe even eight billion people on this planet. And we are all beautifully unique and special and individual. And that's awesome. But at the same time, we're not so special and so unique and so different that there's only one other person out there in the world that understands us. Does that make sense? Like, we're not that special.
We're not that different. We're not that unique. We're not that hard to understand. And the same goes for our partners, right? Like our partner is not so special, so unique that there's not anyone else out there. Listen, I'm all about cherishing and celebrating our uniqueness. And I am not trying to take away anything.
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Chapter 4: How do you move on from a breakup?
It is so challenging because, again, as I mentioned earlier, it is so hard to heal when you're around each other all the time. And the truth of the matter is, I think in this situation, it's just an unfortunate circumstance where you are ultimately being faced with a more challenging healing period, healing experience, healing journey. these are just the cards that you were dealt.
You know, for majority of people, it's up to them if they do no contact or whatever. It is out of your control. This is a family friend. You don't have a choice. So I think you have to accept that your healing journey is going to be more challenging because you see them every week, because every week you have to rip off the bandaid and
And you have to pour salt into the wound and then put the band-aid back on and it burns and it stings and it starts to get infected. And then, you know, by the end of the week, it's starting to look a little bit better and then you rip the band-aid off all over again. You have to sort of accept that this is the cards that you were dealt in your life.
This is just... This is what happens when you date a family friend. You know, this is... how this works. This is a risk that you take when you date somebody who you know that you're going to have to see frequently if you ever break up. That's a risk you take. So I think to start, you need to sort of accept this circumstance. I do think it's unhealthy to avoid family get togethers.
Like, I don't think that that's You know, maybe there's a way that you could figure out like, OK, you know what? I'm going to avoid situations where I know my ex is going to be around in family gatherings for the next three months just so that I can get over the hump and start to heal a little bit.
Maybe you figure something out with your family or your family, friends, family, or like maybe you and the ex switch off every week. Like every gathering that there is, you switch off. Maybe there's a way that for a certain period of time, you guys can do that to start to heal. But if that's not realistic, then I honestly think I genuinely don't have any further advice.
My advice is you have to just accept that your healing process is going to take longer because you're going to be exposed to this person. And I think communication and boundaries with your ex are going to be so important. You know, discuss what's going to make it easiest for each other. Do you want to talk to each other? Do you want to avoid each other?
Like what is going to make the experience as seamless as possible? It's one of those situations where it just sucks, I think. But, you know, I would say in general in your life, I think it's really important to develop a really strong life outside of the relationship. That should be your focus during this time because you need it even more than the average person going through a breakup.
You know, you more than anyone need to have hobbies together. need to pick up a guitar and start playing guitar, need to start drawing, need to start going to pottery classes, need to start going to yoga classes. You need to be disciplined with yourself and be taking care of yourself. You need to create a really solid, positive lifestyle. Because that really helps with challenging moments.
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Chapter 5: Are soulmates real or just a limiting belief?
They're perfect. But I really encourage you to remind yourself whenever you can that they're probably a nightmare. Because everyone's a nightmare. Dating is a nightmare. Dating, even the most perfect... person for you is a fucking nightmare sometimes. That is inevitable. And I'd argue if you're in a relationship and you don't have moments where you're like, oh my God, this is a nightmare.
Like, I can't, this is horrible. You're lying to yourself. Maybe that's a hot take, but I think... the whole point of relationships is that there's push and there's pull and both of you make mistakes and then you help each other learn from them. And sometimes you take shit out on each other and, you know, you show each other the worst and darkest sides of yourselves.
And then together you work on, you know, improving on those sides or, you know, you learn how to deal with them. And then that teaches you how to be a more patient person. Like the reason why relationships can be so beautifully educational is as students of life, is because it's challenging. You know? So...
Anyways, yeah, this guy that you dated for a really short time in the summer is basically, it's like an imaginary friend, okay? This is not even a real person at this point. You didn't date him for long enough. So you think he's perfect because you absolutely know nothing about him. He's still a stranger to you. Yeah, maybe you had sex. Yeah, maybe you talked really late that one night.
Yeah.
Okay. Moving on. Somebody said, what to do if I broke things off with a guy who loved me so much and now two months later, I want him back. I actually think I've discussed something like this on advice session before, but I can't remember. Either way, it doesn't matter because we all need to be reminded of this moral dilemma, okay? Because it's not a fun one.
Well, I think to start, you need to accept that you made a decision. You made a decision. You made the decision to break things off with this person when you did. And now you're starting over with this person. You have to win them over all over again if they're even available to be won over. They owe you nothing. You know what I'm saying? And...
I think breakups are often not thought about as deeply as they should be. I think a lot of people think immediately when they're going through a rough patch in a relationship, like, oh, this is unfixable. Things were so awesome for so long, you know, and now all of a sudden they suck. So I guess we have to break up now. Relationships have ups and downs.
And, you know, it's up to you to decide what ups and downs you're willing to go through.
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