[video available on spotify] today i'm going to tell you a story about something that happened to me a few weeks ago. it was so traumatic that i completely blocked it out, up until today. you're going to judge me, because this story is mortifying. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Chapter 1: What traumatic event did Emma experience?
Today, I'm going to tell you a story. Okay. Today, I'm going to tell you a story about something that happened to me a few weeks ago that I didn't bring up sooner because I completely forgot that it happened. Okay. Up until today, while I was eating my lunch, I completely forgot that this happened. completely forgot. And that's something I don't do often.
Chapter 2: Why did Emma forget about this event?
When something significant happens, I don't often erase it from my memory, especially if it's a story that I could tell on my podcast. Okay, I'm in the business of telling stories. I don't forget about a story, but somehow this one was so traumatic for me that I completely blocked it out up until today at around 12 or 5 p.m. when I was eating my yogurt bowl.
At 12.05 p.m., when I was eating my yogurt bowl, the memories came flooding back. And the second that they did, I knew what I had to do. So I finished my yogurt bowl, put it in the sink, put a little bit of water in it so that the yogurt didn't get crusty, walked over to my desk, turned on my camera, turned on my recording equipment, and sat down to tell you this story. And now here I am.
to tell you this story. And can I be honest? You are going to judge me. Yep. You're going to judge me because this story is embarrassing. It's mortifying. It's traumatizing to me, but it's not traumatizing in a way that you're going to sympathize with. It's traumatizing in a way that you are going to judge. You are going to judge me for being traumatized by what happened.
But I'm going to tell you the story anyway. Because the silver lining of unfortunate events in my life is that I get to talk about them on my podcast. And beyond that, this story might be embarrassing and mortifying, but it's human. And that's why I have to share it with you. I briefly paused this episode of Anything Goes to let you know that this episode of Anything Goes is presented by Amazon.
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Thanks to Amazon One Medical and Amazon Pharmacy for sponsoring today's episode. Now let's get back to the episode. So let me set the scene for you. For New Year's this year, I got invited to go on a little trip with some friends, okay?
A group of like 10 friends, some friends that I'm super close with, some friends that I'm maybe a bit less close with, but a big group, 10 people, to a mountain town, okay? Like a ski town. Snow, ski lifts, ski mountains, snow. Cute little shops, cute little restaurants. You know the vibe, a little ski town. I absolutely love a ski town. So I was so excited for this trip.
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Chapter 3: What was Emma's experience during the New Year's trip?
I've always loved a ski town. There's something about it that's so peaceful and charming in the most dystopian way. But it's dystopian in like a theme park sort of way and like a Disneyland sort of way. And I've just always loved it. However, I've never skied. I've never snowboarded. Every time I've ever gone to a little ski town, I've just been there to hang out.
Except for one time when I tried to snowboard for like an hour and like never even stood up. So I like I guess you could say, you know, I tried it once, but I don't even count it really. All of my experiences at ski mountains involve drinking a hot beverage by a fire in the lodge. Okay. I'm not going down the mountain. And that's because I didn't grow up doing it.
Like, I grew up with some kids who had really rich dads that had vacation houses in Lake Tahoe, which is sort of a ski town during the winter. And so there were a lot of kids I knew that were incredible at skiing and snowboarding because, you know, every holiday weekend they were going up to ski and snowboard. But I didn't have that. My dad does not have a Lake Tahoe house.
And I didn't get invited to Lake Tahoe houses very often. So I just never tried it. And they do say that learning skiing and snowboarding gets harder the older that you get. So I was never really inclined to try it, but I've always been really jealous. Like I've always wanted to be good at it. I always thought it was such a cool thing.
Like the kids that could ski and snowboard, I was like, fuck, it's so cool that you can go to a little ski town and actually do something. I go to a little ski town and I have to hang out at the gift shop and drink hot chocolate. Like, that's fun. But it would be so fun to do that after skiing or after snowboarding. And I love this environment.
I love the ski town so much that I just wish I could participate. But alas, I never could. And so back to this New Year's trip, it was a trip to a ski town. And immediately when this plan came up, I said to myself, almost subconsciously, like, Hopefully there's other people who don't want to ski or snowboard.
And when I arrived and we all sort of discussed, you know, our experience with skiing and snowboarding, I was comforted to see that a bunch of people didn't want to ski or snowboard. And I was like, this is incredible. I'm just going to hang out with this part of the friend group and everybody else will go and ski and snowboard and it'll be great.
But then there were a few people who didn't know how to ski or snowboard who wanted to try skiing. Then I'm faced with a dilemma. Do I do what's comfortable, do what's safe and stay back with the people who have no interest in touching the snow at all? Or do I challenge myself and end 2024 off, start 2025 off doing something challenging?
So I contemplated about it for a while and I sort of talked to the group and, you know, part of the group was like, no, like stay with us. We're going to hang out and we're going to watch TV and like chill and do face masks and be comfortable or whatever. And then the small part of the group that was going to, you know, take a skiing lesson was like, Come on.
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Chapter 4: How did Emma's anxiety affect her skiing lesson?
The first handful of times that I went down, I needed him to be skiing backwards right in front of me to prevent me from like, I don't know, just like barreling down the bunny hill. It was just a mess. OK, it was a mess. And I kept slipping and like like kind of like almost falling. It was just not good. And I was clearly not a natural.
Meanwhile, there's like seven year olds around me who are just so good. And I was like, all right, I don't know how this is going to go. And if something doesn't click for me soon, like I'm screwed. Meanwhile, some people in the group, you know, more rebellious members of the group who are taking the ski lesson are like, fuck this. I'm just going to go. Okay.
So some people just leave the ski lesson and just start going up with the experienced skiers in our friend group and snowboarders. But a few of us stay back and continue. And I'm really the only one that's nervous.
And my anxiety only gets worse and worse because I'm not, like, learning at the pace that I feel like I need to to be able to meet up with the group to go down the mountain for real at some point that day, you know? So we practice, we go down the bunny hill again and again. And finally I start to get it. Like, I don't need the instructor to be there anymore. I'm actually like doing pretty well.
And then, you know, he explains how to do turns and, you know, weaving back and forth. And that actually comes pretty easily to me. And I'm like, wait a minute. I think it clicked. I think I'm an incredible skier now. So I start to feel more confident and I start to get sort of excited. I'm like, all right, you know what? It's a little frightening. It's a little scary, but I can do this alone.
You know, like I don't need him anymore. It's OK. And so it was almost lunchtime and my whole friend group was like, hey, we should do one run all together down the mountain before lunch. And so I was like, you know what? Fuck yeah. Like, I think I'm ready. Let's do it. And the instructor was going to come with us. And so I was like, let's do this thing.
So we get in line to get on the ski lift and I start having a panic attack. Absolute panic attack. Okay. and I'm shaking and I'm telling the instructor, I'm like, I don't think I can do it. He's like, you can totally do it. It's totally fine. And then I'm telling my friends, I'm like, you guys, and mind you, some of these friends I've only met like once, right?
So it's not like these are people that I'm comfortable with having a panic attack in front of. These are people that do not know me like that. They don't need to see that. However, here I am starting to have a panic attack. And some members of the group are like, don't go. Just don't go. It's all good. And then some are like, come on, you've made it this far. You just got to do it.
And I was like, fuck, you know what? I made it this far. I came out. I rented the skis. I did the whole thing. I need to go down the mountain just once. And the instructor reassured me like we're going down the easiest one. It's a little bit long. It's like a two mile run, which is a bit longer than normal. But, you know, it's going to be OK.
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Chapter 5: What happened when Emma tried to go on the ski lift?
you're not supposed to laugh, but then you start laughing. And then for some reason you can't stop, but you know, you shouldn't be laughing. That's exactly what happened to me, but with crying. Okay. I know I shouldn't be crying. There are 11 year olds just rushing past me and their parents are looking at me like, why is this 23 year old woman sobbing?
And my 11 year old is just bombing the hill like a savage, you know, like what is happening? What went wrong for this poor child? And, Adult child, what went wrong? Good question. It was one of the longest, I don't know, 45 minutes of my life. And every minute that went by got worse because the ski hill was not getting any less steep. In fact, the opposite was happening.
It was only getting steeper. And so with every minute that passes, it was getting harder for me to continue standing, to not start going super fast, to not fall. And I was inconsolable. snot running down my face, tears running down my face, you know, my knees were like shaking. Okay. And in this moment, I'm thinking to myself, what am I going to learn from this?
You know, like, is this really like, like, Is this empowering? I was like, facing your fears, doing things that are hard. At what point is challenging yourself just like almost like self abuse, right? Like, at what point is it self harm in a way? Why did I make this decision? Like I knew I wasn't going to like it. And I knew that everything about it tapped into some of my biggest fears.
Why am I doing it? Am I even doing it to face the fear? Not really. I'm doing it because I'm jealous of other people who enjoy it. But like my likelihood, my chances of enjoying this... are slim to none. Like everything I know about myself contradicts the decision to ski. And yet I did it anyway. And why? Like, is anything positive going to come out of this?
Or was this just sort of an act of negligence and self-harm in a way? You know, negligence by... not paying attention to myself and what I like and what I don't like and doing something just because I'm jealous that other people find joy in it. And I wish I did too.
And self-harm by being like, eh, you're going to hate all this stuff, but do it anyway and stop being a baby and learn a thing or two along the way. Like just fucking do it, idiot. Like that kind of sort of self-harm in a way. I remember seeing the end, finally, coming around a corner and looking down the mountain and seeing the end.
But in front of me, before the end, was the steepest part of the hill yet. I barely even remember the last five, 10 minutes of the ski run because I was crying so hard. But I do remember getting to the bottom and being so happy. I think, I was like, I cannot believe the side of myself that just came out. Like, I cannot believe what a weakness this, you know, brought out in me.
I'm somebody who I would say is really good at staying composed for the most part. I think when faced with chaos, despite being a really anxious person by nature, I am actually quite proud of my ability to stay level-headed. I feel like I keep my cool, mainly for the sake of other people, right? Like, I don't want to burden other people with my own chaos when chaos is already happening.
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Chapter 6: How did Emma confront her fear of heights?
The yogurt's been soaking for a little bit, so it's not going to be crispy. It's going to be great. I'm just going to rinse that thing out. Probably put it in the dishwasher. Actually, I'm not going to hand wash it. Why would I do that? That is what a dishwasher is for. I'll talk to you all later. I love you all. I appreciate you all and goodbye.