Yoni
Appearances
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
I thought I looked... All right. You didn't think that that would happen? What a nightmare. I know.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
I'm new here. I recently escaped California with my son's genitals still intact. He said, Mommy, am I a boy or a girl? I said, Tyler, are you a boy? He said, you're a cowboy. Pew, pew, back of shape, moving to Texas. I would love my child no matter what. But if he's trans, I'll say the same thing about his penis.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
I say, every time he wants me to get him a puppy, you're going to have to keep it and take care of it till it's fully grown. Then you could decide if it's not cute anymore and you want to get rid of it. I'll support that. He's not trans, though. He's just regular autistic.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
It took a long time to get him diagnosed, too, because he's good-looking enough to everybody just assumed he was an asshole this whole time. When he was really little, doctors were worried that he might be mentally retarded. They didn't call it that, though. They called it starting to look like his father.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
It was only because they were both bald and chubby and drank from a bottle until they shit and pissed themselves. My son grew out of it. Thank you.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
I just said, oh my God, hi. Because we don't get to know who the guest is until we come out.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Eight years. Well, four, and then I took four years off, and I've been back for four.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
I was a dental assistant. Like, the least cool military thing you could do.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Oh, I was assaulted, and I had my head slammed into a cement wall repeatedly.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Yeah, I did pretty good. I mean, other than the permanent brain damage and amnesia disorder, you should have seen the other guy.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
It's a little bit of both. Like I have some things long term I just cannot remember. And then sometimes I have little episodes where like I'll forget like everything for like a couple of minutes or sometimes I'll forget categories. Like I'll be doing the dishes and realize an oven mitt is in the water, too, like because I put it in with the dishes. Like I have it's just really bizarre.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Or I'll forget how I know somebody. Like one time I totally forgot that someone was my cousin. Thank God that didn't go.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Well, so I live near New Brunfels. So I'm like right between here and San Antonio. I can do comedy either direction. And I love it. I like it over there. It's chill. Yeah.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
I mean, I could use that if I ever... I'm a nice lady, but... You ever forget about me again, you're going back in the cement wall.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
I mean, I have an amnesia disorder, so let's say- Okay, you are correct.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Well, this is- I didn't want to bring it out because I don't want to be presumptuous.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
So, it's kind of important. It's, um... Hi. So, I have a lazy eyelid. And a lot of you may not realize this, but the lazy-eyelid community is very underrepresented in Hollywood. There's really only one reason for that, which is we've had a megastar on top for several decades who stopped at nothing to hold the rest of us back. That ends today. Forrest Whitaker.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
I'm Whittier, and I'm your nemesis. Forest Whitaker. When I was a little girl, I used to get bullied for having a lazy eyelid. They called me Quasimodo. Sloth from Goonies. Rocky after the fight. And I used to cry the whole way home and then I'd be happy because I'd turn on the TV and there was my hero, Lisa Left Eye from TLC.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
She used to celebrate having a lazy eyelid but then she died of unnatural and unexpected circumstances, rest in peace. Legally, I'm not saying Forest Whitaker had a thing to do with it, I'm just saying it's pretty freaking convenient. Forest Whitaker, you think we didn't notice that Biggie Smalls was part of the Lazy Eyelid community? Was. They never did find his killer, did they?
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
It's almost as if the detective was so close to the case, he couldn't see the forest through the trees. Not even with two good eyes. How many children won't be oppressed anymore when you fall, when you fall? How many lazy-eyed stars will be born when you fall, when you fall? Forest Whitaker. You had the chance to show the world. It's not just you. There's more of us out here. We're talented.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
We can do things. Instead, he's out here acting like y'all need him to normalize normal eyes. Also known as eye-typical. And Forest Whitaker, Seeing you waltzing around the Star Wars universe in Rogue One, trying to send us a message. And you're gonna be the only one in the future with a lazy eyelid. Clearly he wants total annihilation. But not on my watch.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Not even with two good eyes. How many children won't be oppressed anymore when you fall, when you fall? How many lazy-eyed stars will be born when you fall? I'm your nemesis. Your move, Forest Whitaker. Your move.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
In my defense, that was after several decades of oppression. So that's a long song.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Hello, Austin. How you doing? All right, let's get right into it. I realize I'm a hypocrite when it comes to my health. A hypocrite because when the COVID vaccine came out, I was like, absolutely not. There hasn't been enough research. I refuse to compromise my health. Then when Ozempic came out, I was like, give me that shit right now. Right now. You can put it right here, doc.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Put it right... You said 40 pounds in two months? Both sides. Put it on both... Lost a bit of weight, but not one single ounce came off my thighs. They didn't go anywhere. Thank you so much. They're real big, as you can see, and they rub together when I walk. So because of the friction, they're very dark in the middle. Super black right here. Don't look away, Tony. Very black.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Super black in the middle. Uh... When I say black, y'all these thighs could have marched with Dr. King. Just black as shit. I was outside minding my business. These thighs tried to bum a Newport. I said, oh my God.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Keep going. Go for it. Yeah, absolutely. My last one, this is my closer. It says, I was outside minding my business. These thighs tried to bum a Newport from a nigga.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Look at that magical moment. Oh my God. I didn't mean to interrupt you. Sorry, Tony. Go right ahead. No, it's great. You killed. How long have you been doing stand-up? 11 years. 11 years. 11 years.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
So I started in DC and then I moved to New Jersey. So I did New Jersey, New York. And then I most recently just came from the Tampa comedy scene. I love it. And now you live here? Now I live, just moved here like a month ago.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
I actually do do phone sales. God damn it. Can you tell by my voice? Absolutely.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Yeah, they're very darker. In the middle from the friction, yeah, they're darker. That happens for sure. Is that a thing?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
We just got married. 2-3-2-3. So February 3rd, 2023. Okay. That's amazing. Easy to remember. I like it. What does he do? He also does. He works at a debt consolidation company. Oh, okay.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
I also work at a debt consolidation company. We work at two different, but we both work at debt settlement and consolidation companies. That's amazing.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
We did not meet there. We did not meet there. We met on Plenty of Fish.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Yeah. Years and years ago. I don't recommend it. Plenty of Fish is the ghetto of dating sites. Don't do it. Yeah, why is that? Explain that to us so that we understand.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
I don't know. It just had the most horrible trash selection. He was like the only person on there who was great, and I happened to have him, and that's it. So there's no one left. There's no one left on there.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
We went out for, like, just cocktails. We just had, like, a drink after work. He drank a really, like, his order was impressive. It was, like, this really top shelf.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
He is also not Latino. Guess again. Oh my goodness. He got an old fashioned. He's not white. Do you want to keep guessing or shall I tell him?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
I will put you out of your misery. My husband is Indian. Oh my God.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
He, it was just a very, very top shelf scotch. He drinks. Yeah. And it just, I'm from New Orleans. So like a drink. Thank you. Oh, okay. Hell yeah. There's a drinking culture there. And just, he just impressed me because he had a very mature order, you know, like not ordering sex on the beach, like some fucking teenager. Like it was very. That is very mature, especially.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
I would like a top shelf liquor. You guys just want to offend everyone. Welcome. Join us. Join us.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
It's an excellent question, sir. In my set, I say, you know, if you need a little bit of clarification, he is not tax-free casino Indian. He is cab-driving 7-Eleven Indian. So you hit that right on the nose. You hit that right on the nose. Amazing.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Oh my God, this might be the best day of my life. Oh my God. It really is.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
No, he's 6'1". Whoa, Jesus Christ. Or maybe six foot even, 6'1". Yeah, he's tall.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
He's just, I don't know, he's just an amazing person. Kind of a quiet confidence, not very braggadocious, just kind and generous. Just a great, great person. I love him more than I've ever loved anything in my life. Unbelievable.
KILL TONY
KT #721 - JIMMY CARR
I was watching the movie The Beauty and the Beast recently. There's a scene in that movie where they're about to fuck. And I'm not talking about the little gay guy he turns into. Not that faggot. I didn't say he'd have a penis. She wants to fuck the beast. It doesn't happen in the movie because the teapot won't leave. Teapot stares at them like a fat friend in middle school.
KILL TONY
KT #721 - JIMMY CARR
And then she starts singing all creepy. Teal is old as time. True is it? I'm trying to fuck my dog, dude. Did you watch him lap up the soup? That could be my pussy right now. I have a full Sargento string cheese in my twat for Beethoven. Get the fuck out.
KILL TONY
KT #721 - JIMMY CARR
The Beauty and the Beast. There's a scene where she's with the Beast. They're getting close. But they don't fuck because the teapot won't leave. She just stares at them. Okay.
KILL TONY
KT #721 - JIMMY CARR
It's not really the same. I've actually never done anything surgically or hormonally or anything. Okay. There's always been this.
KILL TONY
KT #721 - JIMMY CARR
That was fun. I'm in Austin now, so, like, people don't really mind that here. They're kind of like, I get a little nervous, and then I see, like, purple hair, and I'm like, ah, that's fine. You're good. In San Antonio, sometimes people get mad.
KILL TONY
KT #721 - JIMMY CARR
When I managed a restaurant, sometimes they'd be like, sir? And I'm like, oh, sir, I'm a lady. They're like, there's something fucking wrong with you. Do you want your pizza now?
KILL TONY
KT #721 - JIMMY CARR
I'm into big, tall, white dudes. Hello, fellas. I'm single. Yeah, that guy.
KILL TONY
KT #721 - JIMMY CARR
You know what's been funny though? I recently, since like the show, I've gotten like chuckle fuckers. That's fun.
KILL TONY
KT #721 - JIMMY CARR
Oh! Chuckle fucker is somebody that either sees you do stand up or like watches you on a show and then they want to fuck you. Yeah, right. Yeah.
KILL TONY
KT #721 - JIMMY CARR
No, I was actually in line for Kill Tony like a couple weeks ago and there was like an Australian dude and he was like hot and then like, I was like, oh, what's your name? And he was like, I'm Alcon. And I was like, I'm Juanita. And he goes, I know who you are, I watch the show. And then he bought me, like, 37 vodka sodas.
KILL TONY
KT #721 - JIMMY CARR
I accidentally had sex with him. You did? Yeah. I love that. Yeah, I know, but I was so drunk that I fell asleep. So I was, like, in, like, the hotel bed, and I was, like, wasted, so I passed out, and he was like, do you want to do this or not? And I was like, I'm so sorry, this never happens. I have whiskey all...
KILL TONY
KT #721 - JIMMY CARR
I should do that, yeah, I will. Whiskey, a whiskey hole. That is the first we've ever heard of that. It's like whiskey dick, but for ladies.
KILL TONY
KT #721 - JIMMY CARR
Yeah, I did that. Okay. I don't remember much of it, because I like... What's crazy is it seems like you're the one with regrets. I know. Oh, yeah, I know. He was really hot. And then he asked me to pee on him, and I didn't. You did not? I didn't pee on him, and he was so hot, I was like, I'm behaving like I'm not fat right now. Like, I should have totally peed on that guy.
KILL TONY
KT #721 - JIMMY CARR
How do you understand the fact that you should have peed on him because you're fat? You're just out of my league. He was super hot, so I should have peed on him.
KILL TONY
KT #721 - JIMMY CARR
Yeah, my alternative minute, I should have just done that one. It was about me.