Whitney Cummings
Appearances
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
And then please pull up George W. Bush paintings because they're actually kind of my favorite. And Jim Carrey. Oh, I'd like to talk about that.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
This is how he walks out. It looks like he was just at a P. Diddy's freak-off.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
What does that mean? What would it get to take you to start painting?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Oh, Bush. These are Biden. Can you do Bush dogs? Honestly, the fact that this guy ran the United States of America, when you see these paintings.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
He had access to the nuke button. You got that right. This is the most make-a-wish-ass shit I've ever... Can you do that one? Well, let's see Trump or Biden. Look at this. Hold on, hold on. Look at this one on the bottom right.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Brought to you by St. Jude's Hospital. Oh, that's right. Look at the bottom right.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Those teeth, those are new teeth. Definitely. Those are, I did 80s cocaine teeth.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I did ask if on the show I could be Kamala for Halloween because she might be drunk. But they said no. Who's they? Non-binary booker?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
But by the way, I should just come clean. I feel the need to say this as much as possible.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Have you seen her house? Her middle class house? No, pull it up. I mean, it is like a castle. It looks like the Home Alone house.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
What's up with the Montel Williams thing? She used to date Montel Williams.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Whoa! If he hasn't hit Kamala, he doesn't hit women. He slapped a woman.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Well, did you see that just randomly as soon as it was around when she was going to start running, they proactively were like, her husband had an affair with the previous nanny. I'm like, what are they getting at? Also, they're just finding all this shit out now.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
It was like a brick house, the one that I saw. I don't know.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I don't know. Do you look at stuff now and you're like, that might be true? I don't believe anything.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I think a drunk woman is the scariest thing on the planet. A drunk, childless woman, you know, in comic shows. If a drunk man's heckling, you're fine. If it's a drunk woman, you're like...
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
We love you. So is yours Japanese whiskey? No. No. It's made in Merca?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
No, these are insane. Do you not get your fans mad at you if you eat on the podcast? Just get it off mic. Okay. Got it. Got it. Got it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I would say, why don't we do the mango daydream? Whoa. All right. Oh, no, no, no. You're going to like the painkiller. That one.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
It's kind of pineapple-y. Bring it on. I love it. This is L.A. Libtard, the juice of L.A. Libtard.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Dude, it's like a beer, healthy beer. You will not get a hangover, and tomorrow you will take the shit of your life.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
But like if Kamala wins and she keeps drinking, I think world leaders will be scared of us. She'll just be like drunk dialing. I'm my most confident when I'm drunk.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Look, we've been through Me Too. It backfired. People won't hire women anymore. Great job, Amber Heard. Hello, you're here. And thank you. Well, people think I'm trans, so that's fine. No one thinks you're trans.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
It's kind of different for everyone, but now this whole thing, they call me Ho Rogan, with microplastics, they're making babies taint smaller, they're making us fertile sooner, girls are having their period at like four, and they're having menopause earlier, I guess.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Dude, he would have been scary as shit. Because all our leader has to do at this point is be scary to China and Russia, right?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Did you see that the guy from Chuck came out supporting Trump?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Yeah, you know that dude. Yeah, yeah. Levi. Oh, he was cute. Zachary Levi.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
That's a hot shoe. You got to look like him. Oh, hey, I'll take it. He's like you guys as one person. Oh, yeah. He kind of is.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I don't know. So, I've read it. So, I... And don't... I mean, let's, like, go with it. I want to get... I want to keep working. I want to get spots at the Cellar. Let's say I'm trans. But wait, what was I just about to say about that? Oh. Oh, Bieber. You know what? I... There's something, and I don't mean to laugh because it is sick.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Do you lead with your political beliefs? I lead with my pronouns.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Yeah, yeah. Are there people that were tight and then they voted differently or believed different things?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
It's always the most progressive liberal lefts that are like, you're garbage if you don't agree with me. It's like, I believe in free speech as long as you're saying what I believe.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
But I think we're also like... You know, mental illness is like, we're just seeing it run. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. They used to be mentally ill in their homes. They would like collect dolls or something. And now they're on Twitter, you know, just doing this.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
You run eight businesses. It's weird. I have this like I'm sorry to be annoying. And maybe this is because I just had a kid. And I like go to like once you have a kid and you see you're like, wait, everyone started like this. I know. Isn't that weird? You're like, what happened?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
And so I don't know. Like the Lamas thing, I guess he's got a trans kid, right? Oh.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
My thing is more, how come everyone he procreates with looks like an alien?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I genuinely was like, you know what? Before I had a kid, I was like, let me just ask Rogan. Because it seemed Amber Heard, everyone seemed to be having a kid with Elon Musk. I was like, this seems like a good retirement plan. And I was going to be like, Rogan, hook me up with Elon Musk. Let's meet him at the mother's house. You know what I mean?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
And then I was like, oh, my eyes are way too close together for this guy. I mean, the women he dates, they are like the goldfish eyeballs. He wants to procreate with an alien, 100%. That's his king. But but I don't know. It's like, don't you think it's all just like addiction? Like, sure. You know what I mean? God complex. There's that. Procreating or like being on Twitter all day.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
When a woman is hugged too long at a Christmas party, we shut down and have a parade and everyone has to wear the same hat. When a boy gets molested, no one cares.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I need to have kids so they can go work. And that's how, that's why having kids started. It was like, we have a farm. I need kids to help.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
But then you also go like, oh, this guy has everything. Yes. Still needs meaning in his life. Like it's not working. Right. You see someone get successful and you're like, oh, that didn't work. If I was Elon Musk and had a billion dollars, you would never see me again.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Don't forget the beautiful toddlers. Oh, the pageants? No, like with JonBenet Ramsey. Oh, yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Our scandals used to be like, Dennis Rodman is in a wedding dress. Yes. Oh, God, so charming.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Which, by the way, when you look back and you're like, did we get played? Didn't that feel a little intentional? Like, why did she have the nipple ring on? Remember?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
She had a sun nipple piercing around her nipple. Is that right? Pull it up. Pull it up. See if my mom brings that. I heard this year Jelly Roll was looking at a tip. Oh, so it's not even a nip. She had a cover on. It was like a giant pasty that was a cross that we were never supposed to see. Wow.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
That sounds like my purse when I walk down the street with all my pills. And that sounds like my uterus after I had a kid. So, I mean, what did we think was going on with Bieber?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I don't think you would have put that on your nipple if you didn't plan to reveal it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Isn't that kind of wild? That just blows my mind, the idea of planning. We're so bad at that as comics.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I kind of tried to, but then I remembered that I'm wearing a bra that has stains on it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
No, that's just from me doing laundry and not knowing what I'm doing. All right. Not giving a shit. You do laundry in the city? I mix my whites and my blacks. I'm very progressive. Wow. Easy. I did not do laundry in the city, no. Back at my house.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I'm leaving tomorrow. I've been here for a while, though. I've been here for a while. I'm hosting the Friends game show. Oh, wow. The show Friends. Really? Yeah, there's a game show about the show Friends.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
honestly like it's i have no joke for this but it's like at a time where everything is like dividing everybody it's like everybody oh look at that i think i yeah i saw this on instagram yeah why not congrats hey why not that's good money that's easy paycheck get in get out that's it a couple of yucks thing um but okay so what other halloween costumes i was thinking about it because i was like i do need to just come forward with the fact that i did dress as a geisha when i was 18 um
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
And when I tell you, Trudeau leveled to the waterline white paint. I mean, waterline. There are photos of me that I am saving for one of my- That's not a skin color, though.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Yeah, but if you do the eye pullback. Did you do that? No, I didn't. Oh, okay. Well, then you're good. My comedy career didn't start sooner. But I am literally standing like this. You know what I mean?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Stop it. He's dressed as a lady. That is not a transphobic costume to dress as a woman.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
First of all, why is anyone entertained by a 13-year-old at all? Like, I don't see a 13-year-old.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
When guys dress as a woman or a baby, I'm always like, what do we do?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
But also, I was like a tomboy. I always dressed like a boy. Do you know what I mean? Right.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Always. I love it. I thought these were defunded, but an eating disorder is you're not allowed to dress.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I'm sorry. It's goodhousekeeping.com. I mean, I don't know.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
It's all it is. Did you see the iCarly documentary, the Nickelodeon documentary?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
When you're like, okay, are you telling me that there are casting sessions where 13-year-old girls go in and sing and dance? Yeah. Because on some level, you know they're hot. Yes. Or they're going to be hot. They're pretty hot.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
There's a whole thing about a friend of mine used to be like a security person at nightclubs. And they hire women a lot of times to run nightclubs to deal with short men. Because if there's a... I'm dead serious. If there's a bouncer, like they get super aggro. They're like, you know, small dogs have to overcompensate. Yes, yes. Imagine being a short man.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
You're just like instantly, like you're like not a provider. Whoa. Like that's why so many short men.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
That with women, because you don't see a really hot chick with a short guy. What's the first thing you think?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Right. It's like every million dollars adds an inch of height. Oh, I feel like that's my like general math on that. That makes sense. That makes sense. I have like compassion for the short kings out there.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I dated a shorter guy than me, but he was very successful in his field. And like, I didn't really think about it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
It prepared me for having a baby. I don't want to talk him to sleep, be breastfed. Why did it end? I was so in awe of what he did for a living. I'll tell you why that ended in a second. Mission Impossible, Ghost Protocol.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
edibles i thought he was a thousand feet tall um but i i did one time go on this date with a guy and it was in a place called delaney's pizza in la horrible pizza because that's what we do there and uh we were he was sitting down and i came in and we had the best time all right best time well if he's sitting it's at the end of the date we stood up and it was like boom oh
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Yeah, yeah. Have you seen Fat Pig, the Neil LaBute play? I think he got canceled for being too talented or something.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And there was a Jeremy Piven was in the Broadway play, a fat pig. And it's about a guy that's in love with a girl who is heavy and all his friends like he can't do it. Oh, it's just like she's like hot and he's so into her.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
How come we can't have on some level? You probably biologically feel like it's not healthy. Of course.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Or, like, on some primordial level, maybe you think they're already pregnant. Oh, yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
All right. I have never been hit on more than when I was pregnant.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Giant. But the veins that look like the New York subway map. Pull them up.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Hey. Thank you. Thank you. Congratulations to his father.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
So how many months? You've already talked about this. Five. Five in. Whoa.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Nice. And what's the place? She's putting it together with her friends?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
A coat hanger. Okay. Nice. I mean, honestly, probably something from the registry. Sure. And then a shit ton of burp cloths. Just burp cloths. Burp cloths. Oh, burp. Burp cloths. That's just for Mark. Or honestly, I would say, like, real talk, like, just bring them food a couple days after the baby's born.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Some shit like that. You know what I mean? Like a gift card. You get so many gifts that you have to fucking unwrap that have things on them that you can't.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
You know, this is- Thank you. But not ugly to certain gay men. I mean, that is- That's true. You know what I mean? More pushing for the pushing. That's Josh Peck. Is he the one who got molested?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Once I had a kid, I realized why China won fair and square. You're just Chinese trash all day long. It's all you're doing is ordering Chinese trash. You're going to start to get paranoid about it. And because it's just China, China, China.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Stuff. Just the toys and the socks and the thing and the bottle. Everything's made in China, made in China. And you're so tired. You start being like, dude, are the stuffed animals or the eyeballs cameras? Can you just look? Like you start getting like, dude, China is everywhere. And you're like live streaming your baby on all these like apps. And you're just like, where's this footage going?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Like I got like in a deep wormhole about China and all the baby products.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
By the way, the products they send over here, like, I think that's kind of the intention too. You're like, don't put that in your mouth. Oh my God.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
And by the way, TikTok, aren't they not allowed to watch TikTok that's just silly? It's all like achievement based. Science.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Love it, dude, because that nesting comes in. Ooh, I loved being pregnant. Really?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
The problem is Rosebud became as wide as she was tall. I mean, being like small, like she's such a tank. She's so strong. But like that baby, I mean, the baby is taller than her now. I mean, like you see Minnow, it's like, you're like, you know, so, and she, I induced at 39 weeks, which you can do. What does that mean? Because after 39 weeks, the baby's organs are all cooked, you know?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
And it sounds like I'm an adrenochrome chef. But the organs are all ready, so they're just gaining weight after that. And I really wanted to do it vaginally for a bunch of reasons. So I induced it 39 weeks.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
So many holes to choose from. And so Rosebud let it go. I was like, go induce. But she had the baby. Remember when there was those gnarly floods in New York City? Yes. Like her water broke and then the city flooded. But she just went to the hospital and finally they would induce it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
When you're a comic and you've flown a middle seat on Southwest for as long as we have, a baby is not that big. Come on. It's not.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
But that kid, when someone offers that kid candy, he's saying yes. Fish in a bell.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
You're on drugs. I mean, you're not doing like a home birth.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
You know what? I've definitely gone on stage maybe after smoking a little weed. Never a pill? No. Really? I love that people think I take pills. I've only taken- I mean, I've done it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I know that people, I mean, yeah, it would probably chill me out a little bit. I'm so manic. I've done a muscle relaxer on stage.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Dude, I remember, do you ever have things that stuck with you and changed your life forever, but it was just a tiny thing that you saw? There was a YouTube video of a comic, I'm just not going to name him if you want to find, a comic who was, I think, on something on stage, and he repeated the same joke he had already told.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
It was like a YouTube. It might have been from like a club or something.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
You can guess who it is. Yeah, and I just was like, that's my nightmare. Uh-huh.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
and i just remember going like if i ever do that i will blow my head off like that's just that's my nightmare of like cringe and then like i love nick swartz and he just was in aspen or wherever in colorado and took something to altitude like that's my nightmare you know so i just i've never done a job but nick took it well i mean he was funny in his response of course he was i love him like but the altitude dude does fucking get you in colorado so no it's funny oh it does like you have a few beers there and you're like oh yeah oh yeah
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
He's in a sugar coma. They don't have to waste a roofie on him.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Well, I definitely during the pandemic, like weed had just become legal in California. We were in the pandemic. I was like, fuck it. Like, I never smoke weed. I was always the nerd that like never did anything because I came from an alcoholic home. I always had to be the sober person. So by the time the pandemic rolled around, I was like, I'm gonna have blue hair and like just do edibles.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I think the first time we met, I was fully like on edibles. And I was like, fuck it. And then, you know, let's make podcasts interesting. Why not? That was wild. No one wants to hear us talk about our f***ing stuff.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
just joking but like no one wants to hear us talk about our depression all the time like you know what i mean it gets old it's like just let me be ridiculous you know i also like i like just having fun i mean like look yeah there's a place there's a time and place for those conversations but like it's fun i love coming on here just being fucking just having a silly time the person working in the amazon warehouse listening to us talk about how hard our lives are it's like put a bullet in our heads so i was just like we're in the pandemic we're all doing podcasts we're all losing our minds and uh so that's when i was really doing like edibles so
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Totally. But another thing I will say is I guess this is the podcast where I come forward with all my flaws. How many times a day, by the way, do you say it was a different time? Probably four or five times a day for me.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I think smoking is better if you're going to do it because you can kind of like control how much... Like edibles, like you have to wait for them to digest. I'm always like, did it hit? It's not hitting. It's never going to hit. Okay, so I'll take another one because I don't think it's hitting. Oh, big mistake.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
And then... So like, yeah, being on an edible sometimes convinces me the edible didn't work. Right. Then I need to take another one.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I was prescribed five milligrams of time-release Adderall to sleep. To sleep? Well, if you... I've never heard of that. If you try.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Oh, by the way, I have to tell you a blue chew story. If you actually, I guess, have ADD, it calms you down. So I think most people take Adderall to like have a jolt. Like I already have a manic personality.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I think ADD is just you're smart and you get bored easily.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Besides being a Woody Allen fan. You're not like his movies? I've never.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Oh, he's Woody Allen without the whole pedophile part. All right.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
We love Jonah. Jonah Feingold. He directed a movie that I did on Paramount Plus, At Midnight, that one right there. Yes. Oh, wow. At Midnight. He is so awesome. And he is just a brilliant director.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Yes, he's so awesome. I cannot recommend him more strongly. I love it. He is like, it's very rare that you have a director that knows, like, let him go.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Dude, he's awesome. He's like who Woody Allen thinks he is. Sorry. Come on.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I know we're never going to speak again. I know you're going to hate me. Can I just ask you a real question?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I know his movies are prolific. Blue Jasmine, I think, is excellent.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Dyson, that's amazing. It's the performances. The directors don't do the performance. He writes them. His strength is casting. He writes them. Okay, but the strength is casting. What? Have you seen Annie Hall? Have you seen Manhattan? Have you seen... Annie Hall, the one where a woman is mentally retarded and can't get a sentence out? What? His idea of how women is like... She's flustered. By him.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
That's true. He does blow himself up. Every... I'm so not the person who- Match point.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
yeah oh consensually absolutely yes i was like a sexual predator in high school it's like all because it's also for women like girls whatever when i was growing up like if you grow up poor like dating an older guy is not your family is wants that right like he can pick you up from school he can oh i don't know 35 i don't know when you're 14 everyone's like 35 that's true right that's true
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
My point is, have you really laughed out loud? Yes. Take the money and run. It's hilarious. I haven't seen that one. I say this having seen like two of the movies.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Of course he's, I just am like, you're making these movies so you can be around these hot chicks. And that's what it feels like. Well, guess what?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Totally. And that's what a lot of the best work, probably a lot of the best inventions were good chicks. Like good, it drives shit. I just, I don't like when men are like weak and they're like, look how weak I am. Like I can't pick up a website. Orson Welles quote on Woody Allen.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I hate that shit. I hate that. Like, I'm allergic to everything and I can't have dairy.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Wow. Because you know why? Being a director. He's kind of right though about the therapy. But being a director, you're incredibly dominant. You're in charge of people. I don't fucking buy that you're this guy. I don't buy that you hate yourself. I don't buy that you're like, you can't have it both ways. You're doing it to like make women pity you so you can fuck women out of your league.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
He's not a pedophile. He just couldn't rape an adult woman.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I don't have a trust fund. You went to Harvard. You're telling me you're insecure. That's the only thing I don't like when someone's pretending to be something they're not, because it's like it's insulting to the intelligence of people that are like, I don't fucking buy this. So you write five movies a year and you have 500 employees and you're weak and shy. It's a smart. Really?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I'm going to be honest. I say all this having seen, and I've seen, I mean, Match Point is like masterfully done.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
blue jasmine is incredible yeah but it's like to me it's like the casting is always genius and i when everyone's falling for this like like this everyone wants to get picked i feel like everybody does a woody allen movie because they don't want to be the person that wasn't asked by woody allen and he like perfectly thing where we're all recreating our childhood circumstances where we're like i have to get picked yeah yeah you know what i mean i feel like he's like the most popular guy in school somehow and we're all like one his well his old movies were great did you did you read his book
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I was like, I don't know if it was just the fantasy or the authority of it or, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Him talking about slavery in history class. I don't know what was turning me on, but there's something. I know so many girls that dated their college professors.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
It is disgusting. Even if it wasn't his daughter, marrying someone you knew since they were five is weird. But he made an honest woman out of her.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I mean, I love that. I love the thing of like, as long as you marry her, it's fine with her.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
But I don't know. I just I maybe this is a very hot take. I just think he's like. I think other people are good, too. And I think that there's a New York or Stockholm syndrome with him. There's no doubting that. And this is something really weird. It's a small thing. I don't understand why every woman in his movies has to dress like Jane Goodall. Uh-huh. Emma Stone is in, like, Khaki.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Why is, like, Scarlett Johansson in this Christy Barcelona? They're all in, like, Abercrombie. Like, do you have a deal with J. Crew? Like, why can't they, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, that's a good point. They're all in, like, beige. That's a good movie, too, though.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Barcelona. He's like, how do I make Scarlett Johansson in...
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
If you're going to do that, the movies have to be flawless. I guess that's my point. If you're going to marry your daughter, you've got to be Cuban.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
When your ex-wife makes a documentary about you, take a good hard look. I'm not saying any of it's true. I don't know. How would I know?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
My high school theater teacher gave the exchange student aides.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
They're both professionals. They win awards for pretending.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Oh, I could do this all day long with everyone, by the way. Yes. We just happen to be talking about Woody Allen.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
You just admitted that Woody Allen's not comedy. You agree with me.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Tough, tough. Write a joke. Tough. It did just make me forget about the Kobe tweet for a minute. He's trying to change the association with his name. He took a shit on his name.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Honestly, look, it takes a lot to cut through the clutter these days. That's true. I mean, if it gets you in the algorithm, cut to me next year giving birth. I mean, did it work? Wait, let's see how many views it's gotten.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Obsessed. I mean, I'm so bummed that I missed it this year. Was it wild?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
The partying will be great, but the shows... It's also fun to be able to go from venue and walk around. Exactly. New Orleans...
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
And we all wanted to, I mean, I talked about this on my podcast with Kate Siegel. I don't know if you ever watched like Haunting of Hill House or those shows on Netflix. She's a girl that I went to high school with who was kind of like my nemesis. We were both in theater class and we're both trying to like get the theater teacher to fall in love with us.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Mondays, if you do this, if you do like a run, like I was working on new material and I did the cellar in Vegas. It's still there? Yeah. Monday, Tuesday, Monday and Tuesday, the Vegas folk, the carnies are off. So the dancers and the stripper, they come, waitresses, they come Mondays and Tuesdays and they're awesome.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
And you know what else? And I think we're all kind of like this. Like we're all like comedy dorks. Like I was talking, I just hired managers and I haven't had a manager in a while. And I was like, I want like a Vegas residency. Whoa. No, you don't. I do. I totally do.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
i just mean like remember when we started i don't know i was always just like like on my vision board or whatever dorky thing i was doing when i like want to be a comic like there wasn't all this i want a netflix special i was like i want to like you've made it if you can like sell out in vegas that's true yeah i want to be care boss you either made i don't know you either made it or shit has gone really south
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Yes, totally. But remember Frank Caliendo did that. Who were the last big people, like magicians, puppets? Whenever Frank pops up. Yeah, Dunham. Dunham.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
He's like, be gifted. Like, what? How do you be a genius? Like, doing impressions is hard.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Imagine doing a show every night, not worrying about promoting it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Why did he steal How I Have Sex? it's he's a chaplain guy he puts his yeah there's no speaking it's all acting out crazy shit and it's truly amazing he's edinburgh an edinburgh guy like he's scottish maybe yeah i met him the morning after he hadn't spoken until then you're gonna not click on zombie burlesque what is your dick just got too hard what happened zombie burlesque that's sick
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Burlesque with audience participation. We're all... I dated a blue man once.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
And she's really successful like in the horror space as an actress. And we did a podcast together and we talked about it. We were like – we were fully like groomed by this guy. We were obsessed with this guy. Because I think at that age you think like my theater teacher can like put me in movies. Yes, yes. That's true. Do you know what I'm saying?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Yeah, and he... After you. Yes. Wait, who's that? What's that?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Not with me, baby. But I did look like a homeless avatar after.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
That's a... Right? But wait, who would you know that has been in the sack with me?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Well, there's one who's like a comic actor and does stand up.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
That's not what I said to him. I said, I am definitely doing this.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Alanis Morissette was blowing him in a movie theater. I would give him a shot. He was doing something right.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
What was the other one? Have mercy. Oh, have mercy. That was Stamos. Who told you that?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
There's something about, I don't know, some Darwinian instinct where it was like comics like instantly feels like it would feel like incest or something.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
That's why everyone thought I was gay for the longest time. Well, bye. Bye? No, I did try to be gay for a minute. It didn't take. It's just that, like, the men in L.A. are so effeminate at this point. It's like dating a woman. What's the greatest thing you can do? Pretty hard. Really? No, I dated a girl for a while. Like, you know.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
welcome to ladies i'm like like embarrassingly straight like my guy is like is his like he'll have like a hair coming out of a mole on his back and i'm like like i'm like it's what i love it that's funny my wife's the same way i had a unibrow going which i didn't notice she was like that's hot i'm like this is hot holy because it's i didn't notice i didn't even know i had it she was like i like that you don't even know that you're gross
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I don't think it's all women, all men. I think it's when it's the right person. When it's the wrong person, you're like, you should wax your chest. It's like, no, we just shouldn't be together. This isn't right. Do you know what I mean? When you're trying to change someone in any capacity, it's just not the right person. Interesting.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Why would a woman... That is... She's gay. I don't know what that... Or a pedophile. I don't know what she is. Right.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
See? See? That's the one. See, there's something crazy about me.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
But it's also, it's like, you guys aren't allowed to make us do things we don't want to do. Why do we get to make you shave your chest? Good point.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
That's going to be so uncomfortable. She's going to have nipple burn.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I just assume you do missionary. That was rude. I'm sorry. You know what I mean? I'm boring. Yeah, she's going to have a bloody forehead trying to blow you. I don't know. I'm big on I want you as... As is.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
And if I want to change you, then it's like, we're just not a match.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I love in your, like your impression, you're like, you walk like this. Like you're just doing river dance down the street.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Where are you on? So you've been married, what, two years?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
So what starts happening? Because it seems like you're doing more whoopee. Well... oh shit oh was Ari on the podcast by the way who cleans up the shit
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Because you know when it's like strippers, like all the dollar bills are on the ground and then at the end the song's over and you have to watch her pick them up. You're like, oh God. Like someone had to clean up that shit.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Bit off. When you have like Absolute had the regular and then they had the strawberry and the peach and the... Oh, yeah. It's another line. Lines.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I love being on a podcast and people are like, you know who we should have on?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
No, I feel horrible. I was. Chris Cole was supposed to come with me. My guy. I know it would have been better with Chris, but he should come on.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
That's a good point. If you're a teacher at this point, like every moment you might get shot and killed. Maybe it's just like, these are our lives.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Wow. I think so. Holy shit. Yeah, I think so. All right. I'm glad you didn't become a skateboarder, though, because it is not a game on the body, dude.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
You've destroyed your insides and your brain with comedy, but destroying your outsides, that'll get you.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
He's like clicking. He looks like one of those balloons at a car dealer. They go up and down.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
But he's, yeah, no, I'm super in love. I had no idea the similarities between speeding. It's bananas.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
You get something and you try it and you try it and you try it until you get it right. The precision, the perfectionism brain is so wild.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
We're hurting ourselves like emotionally. It's kind of like, you know, it's all about style too. Everyone has a different style and they're all kind of competing. But since their styles are different, you're also kind of not. Right. In a way. Exactly. And I've like I don't know, like there's like a humility like I haven't met a ton of skaters. It's kind of wild because I was like wild.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Teachers are like cops now. They're living on the edge. Yes. Might as well live it up. Totally. I don't know. But also teachers now, I mean, they're kind of becoming, there's a lot of amazing teachers, at least where I am in California, which is part of the reason I'm going to leave. They're all like activists.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I can't date a comic, but it's really hard to date people that don't understand what we do. You know what I mean?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I also like to the skating fest of it all. Skate fans are so cool.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
They come up to him. They're so gracious. They're so like humble. They're so like, you know.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Nailed it. That's exactly. And the precision. If you're an iota off, that's like us. If you're a second off, a second is the difference between an applause break and a, you know, motivation. You know, same thing with them. There's no room for error.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
You know, the Serena Williams or the Williams sister, their dad used to pay people to go down and yell racist stuff at them while they were practicing. Shut up. When they were younger.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
That seems a little unnecessary. Give it a go. I don't know. They're winners. They're champions. Adversity is good.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
But also, skateboarders, a lot of them don't have dads. A lot of them didn't have really family around, and they sort of find their own chosen family.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Whoa, that house? You're going to leave that house? I have to.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
It is weird because it was like, I think it was Kevin Christie, a good friend of mine, comic in LA, who actually used to make stickers for Toy Machine. Whoa. He's like a genius artist. He made a board for Billy Marks. Like he's, you know, he's awesome. And so he, him and Chris are homies. And why am I losing my train of thought? Not because I took a drug before the show.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Oh, because he said I was like, you know, when you're dating a skateboarder, like they look at, he drives by like a staircase or walks by like a pole or like a- Or ledges. And they look at them like you would look like a woman's ass or something. He'd literally be like this and I'm like, who is she? And he's like this, we gotta come back to this whatever staircase.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
And it was funny because Kevin was like, oh, his job's illegal.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Like he walks past, like, if you see like a, like a bench, like a concrete bench, he'll have little knobs on it to stop skateboarders from losing. And he'll be like, motherfuckers. But he knows how to take them off and put them back on and all that shit. And then I was sort of like, is it a red flag that my guy like spends all day at a high school?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Death falling down my spiral staircase. Every time I walk down that spiral staircase, I'm like, I will perish. This is how I will die for sure. It's such a cool place though. That's so nice. Thank you. I appreciate it. It really served its purpose during the pandemic as a rehab where everyone relapsed.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
That his kids don't go to, do you know what I mean? Because a lot of it is done in high schools, like Wallenberg. Wallenberg is, I think, the back of a high school, right?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
What are you doing? Perfectly put. But I don't think any good comics do that.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
The same way good skateboarders would be like, don't do that because I can't do it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Do you think there was always comics that did that? Like, remember, didn't Bill Cosby call up Eddie Murphy and say you're too dirty or something?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
We all know Cosby was sort of the true north of morality. Yeah. But I just mean, like, when you're telling other people to behave better, you're just revealing yourself. Whenever someone's like, you shouldn't make jokes about this. I'm like, what are you up to? Yeah. You need to like be self-righteous openly.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I'm literally at the point if anyone is like pious or self-righteous openly and like what comes off perfect. I'm like, show me the tunnels in your house. Like even at this point, I'm like chair.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
No, Diddy had tunnels too. Diddy had tunnels too. And Hamas. That went to the... Oh, yeah. That went to Hugh Hefner's house, maybe. Is that right? Dude, Jaguar Wright is my spirit animal. Am I allowed to say that? Jaguar Wright used to sing for... Dude, back in the day... Who's that? It's so crazy. So she sang for The Roots. She's been in a bunch of bands. But back in the day, when like...
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
gorgeous singers couldn't sing that well, they would get other people to sing their lyrics, like truth about cats and dogs, but like music. And then they would like get paid 500 bucks to sing the lyrics. And then they get some like hot girl to pretend they were singing it. I think Jennifer Lopez did this quite a bit apparently. And so Jack.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
And so she's one that used to do that. And she's been saying, like, Diddy's a sex trafficker. Diddy's a sex trafficker. And everyone's like, she's crazy. She's jealous. She's been saying this for, like, years. And she's on TikTok. And she's out there just naming them, naming them. Whoa. Jaguar Wright, W-R-I-G-A-T.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
She just went on Piers Morgan and was like, allegedly, allegedly, allegedly, said Jay-Z put Aaliyah on a faulty plane on purpose. Oh! Rejected. I don't know. Allegedly. I don't know.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I don't know what I'm going to do. You know what? I love Nashville. My mom is from Texas originally, so I kind of grew up there a lot. I love Virginia. I love Pennsylvania.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Oh, is that her? All right. Like she, I mean, she might, I mean, she will be dead any minute. So listen to it while you can. She's just saying it. She's been saying all this about Diddy for years and everyone's like, she's crazy. Really? Yup. Yup.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
go ahead murderers in prison kill pedophiles that's true they're like no we kill adults we don't there's a code you know what I'm saying like there's a video of this guy who had life in prison he had like long hair and he killed a guy in prison who was in for pedophilia or you know whatever and the judge is like did you kill this man he's like yes I did I'm glad I did you know like he did whatever he did and they're like how did you do it and he was like I grabbed a you know whatever it was a
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
cord put it around his neck held it made sure he suffered for long enough like he talks whoa it like gives you goosebumps because it's obviously this did you kill this man because we just found out through dna that he is innocent and so yeah that child was a filthy lying home um but like like in prison you don't last long yes if you're rich you might just get fucked to death i don't know but i don't think i think that
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I think he's too much of a, I don't know. I don't think he's going to kill him. I think he's like a weak person who's probably going to snitch. Because he has tapes of all this stuff, too, apparently. 120 people just came out with.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I'm looking upstate New York, Hudson Valley. Whoa, mama. But I'm going to say something.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
And there was like all these people deleted all their tweets and stuff. Yeah. This is like Jennifer Lopez dated him. Like this could be crazy. Yeah, this could be crazy. This could be wild. But also like. The music business is so disgusting.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
And there's something to be said for the fact that she held on that for so long. So my guess, don't you think she probably was like, I've got this. I'll name some stuff. I saw some stuff. But like, you know what I mean? She's probably been trying to.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I'm not really scared of anything, okay? Do you think I'm scared of anything?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
He's the man and the only person that can be named Chad, and it's cool. Chaz. Chaz.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I love that when people get canceled, we're like, You're welcome here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jeremy Piven, come, come, come. Come home. Louie, get in here. The water's warm. Come on over here.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Yeah, no, I would have loved it. At that time, by the way, that's when... Have you heard the conspiracy theory that Magic Johnson didn't have AIDS?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
But also, Kevin Spacey, the thing that's shady about it is two of his accusers just died or committed suicide. Is that right? Sorry to laugh.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I know. It's a little bit like, are you researching a role, dude? If you look up Kevin Spacey accusers dead, two of them are dead. And he's like very tight with the Clintons who like if you ever worked for the Clintons, you just all of a sudden have a bullet wound in your head and you hung yourself like, huh?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
The painting of him in Epstein's house where he's like dressed as a woman. You only do that if you're like besties. Pull it up. Let's see.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Okay, you got to jump on my chain with Rogan. I got to get you.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Yeah, yeah, totally. So this was in Epstein's house. Wow. And actually a friend of mine is a journalist and I have the picture of the guy that posed for this, which is really funny. No way. Yeah, let me see.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I know that some pharma company paid him to whatever, like pretend he had AIDS. What? I just kind of hope it's true.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Okay. Whoa. Okay. This is a photo of the person that posed for the painting.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Isn't that kind of wild? Isn't that Ross Bennett? I wanted to print that out for Joe's studio.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Tight. So, like, I don't know. And, like, all the chefs are dead.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I'm sorry. It's not funny. He's black. The mom of that chef came out and, like, said they were having an affair or something, allegedly.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
All these photos of him with Epstein. I think there's something.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
You know when your bar for someone just is so low that you're like, meh.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
You have to be a psychopath or a sociopath to even run for office at this point. Right? They're all just sick.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I'll just have another drink. I was performing somewhere one night and I was just hanging out with the bartender. I think a lot of people forget that we spend a lot of time in kitchens. We are the hell. Whenever I'm hanging out with the bartender at a venue or something between shows, I had a sore throat one night. He was like, have a shot of this. I was like, this looks scary. I love it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Whenever I feel like I'm getting sick or like I'll do a shot of Fernet.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
What do you think about this new wave of a can that's a pre-made margarita?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
If we're talking about, oh, sorry. Can I just say this one thing? Loop it up.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Honestly, I knew everyone was going to make fun of me for having her on, but I was like, dude, there is something to be said for...
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
She's got it. Like relentless, excuse me, relentless authenticity. Yeah. Honestly, she is funny. She's hilarious. Really? I asked her what her hobby was. Like, what do you do for fun? And she said, I love seafood. I was like, I love seafood and then didn't list anymore. That was it. And I was like, you're kind of a genius.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I'm a woman and I'll forget. Can I get some ice? What are we doing here?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Dude, she's not. Because like even people that are like, I'm just being authentic right now. And they will say like a rehearsed thing, you know, on Instagram or TikTok or whatever. She's so grateful to be successful. She was working in a spring factory. No. With her grandmother.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
And also something that's so refreshing about her is that like this whole thing where all white women are like traumatized and it's like so hard for them to get through the day and they're so fragile and delicate. But also we should be equals and present.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
But also we like can't get through the day, especially if you like look at me weird and I need to work from home and like, you know, and I need a mental health day. She lives with her grandmother. And I was like, oh, well, what does your mom think of all this? She's like, my mom's a crackhead. Wow. I don't talk to her. And I was like, oh, well, is that hard for you at all?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
She's like, no, I'm a crack baby. It made me funny. I live with my grandmother. Like next. And it wasn't like a white woman just going on.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
And she's fine. Yes. And instead of hearing someone blow me about their fake trauma. Yes. They're triggered by like someone saying Merry Christmas in the office or whatever bullshit. Yeah. Sing it, sister. There was something just so also like, you know, look, I'm like half from Virginia, Texas. And like we hate people from like Hollywood hates people from the South. They think they're dumb.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I'm legitimately scared of Lyme disease. It's the one thing. I don't, I'm not like, I've lived with coyotes and rattlesnakes. I'm in California just chock full of pedophiles. But like Lyme disease, I can't tell if it's a fake disease. It's real. That actresses pretend to have when they're making fun of me. Or if it's a real thing because Avril Lavigne was out for four years. Her brain just.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
It's part of the reason I want to work on Roseanne, because the main thing I asked Roseanne Barr,
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
before i did the show i said what is like the thesis of the show why did you want to make this and she's like it's so important to people that uh it's so important to me that people know just because we're poor doesn't mean we're stupid and i like love that do you know what i mean and so we're we like hollywood hates poor people they think they're dumb they think they're backwards it's like wild i mean the office i love the office but it is making fun of poor people
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Is that right? It's like, wouldn't it be funny if people worked in a paper mill and like went to Chili's? I don't know if that's the point. But it's a hit. It's so relatable. It's a bunch of rich people from Harvard going like these idiots that work in a paper mill. You know what I mean? It's kind of like.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Yeah. I mean, yes. I think it's just like the idea of like everyone that works in a middle America. I don't know. It's just that always kind of felt like that to me.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
You have anxiety? I don't have health insurance. Right, or teeth. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I just lost my arm in a tractor accident. Yes. So it's like she's most people. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, right. And so I think it also was just like someone...
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
it came to this for people like this whole thing of like representation on screen we need like a like a half indian trans tie it's like that's not most yeah well that's why all that shit's failing like disney is all they're all really losing i don't know i kind of love the new show on peacock uh half indian trans lazy uh lady boy it's a good show sorry i couldn't get that out i'm a little fucking out of it did you i should have eaten before this yeah
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
She's just like, why not? And I also found something fascinating about the fact that she just, like, didn't ask for this.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
She was, like, going out, drinking, and there's something wild.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
No, no, dude. The guy that filmed it. He made so much money off of her. Started making merch. She DM'd and she was like, hey, can you take this down? I have a job. He got so big off of it. And she was drunk during it. So you're not allowed to have sex with a girl while she's drunk, but you can make her famous without her consent.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Haven't we always had this, though? I'm kind of obsessed with when something like this happens. We're like, this isn't the first time this has happened. Remember Ken Bone?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Yeah, like someone. Or town hall. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
But also, this is another thing that it's like, I hate having to say this, but like comics, we're not the only people that are funny.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
We work harder. We craft jokes. We take it seriously as a job. But when you see memes now and you're like, someone that works at H&R Block, who made that? They're funny. They do steal a lot of our jokes. That's true. The fuck Jerry feed.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Craig Fitzsimmons' aunt had it. She had to be on a drip for like 20 years.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Nailed it. Because that's also my thing when someone's like, you can't make that joke. I'm like, comedy is for people whose lives are hard and they need a break. Yeah. And they need a coping mechanism.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Comedy's for everybody. I know, but I mean, it's like, I'm so glad that your life is going so well that your biggest problem today is the joke I tweeted.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
it's bill burr like like for fuck's sake like he's not he's one of the best one of the best ever and he's uh and he put so much fucking work into it of course and it was great have you ever gone into a restaurant and read the menu and you didn't want to order something you're like i'm allergic to you know lobster and been like i'm fucking out of here i know it's very strange you know what i mean it's like that one wasn't for you yes but by the way i
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
You don't go to a store and go like, I wouldn't wear that shirt. That's ugly. I'm not buying anything. Fuck. Burn it down.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Do we do that with anything, though? I'm always kind of like if I get angry about something, I'm like, do I see myself? Do I do this?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
well just because you get angry by something doesn't mean that you do it i mean i do it with like kid i don't think kids should be famous like i have like a hot take i don't think kids should be entertainers so i do think that when i see like uh i'm i'm only like that with like um shows with kids oh really it does seem like it fucks them up 90 of the time but what's the thing that we have is we do that with
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I mean, service animals, maybe when we're like the peacock. Do we need a service? Oh, we do make fun of people doing that to us.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I mean, but like, what are the things that we have are picky and like suffering?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Let's see what I got. Oh, we're doing pet peeves? I forgot about that.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Dude, we left England for a reason. Your leaders are inbred. You have mascots that run your country. I'm not doing this. Mary may not have killed Kate Middleton. Probably killed Princess Diana. You know what I mean? Like, what are we doing? You're all like Paddington Bears.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
When someone does that, they're like, my time's more important than yours. I know.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Or you're bad at time management. It's like, I got to catch a flight. It's like, no, we're all at the airport.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
But I also think this is a good thing. I think that comics start to suck when they stop doing the things everybody does.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
The bins annoy me, though. There are some bins, too. And you take it and they go automatic. And sometimes the person behind you, their bin goes first. Are we not America?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Have you been on a plane yet where someone tries to answer a FaceTime?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Fucking horrible. You heard it. I'll land in five hours, bro. I'll see you soon. I literally hear it ring. He picks it up. The entire... Three rows behind him, three rows in front of him. We all just went, no, no. Like we are united as a country over this thing. It is actually really fun. We're all like, no, dude, absolutely not. We would not stop. I'm with you.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
That I love. I need like a two-day heads up if you're going to call me.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Can I stop you for one second? Please. Because you said all women say this. Not all women, just the annoying ones.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Because we're America. And it's a great country and everyone understands that.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
When I went to, it literally was Hitler's dream. When you go to Sweden, you're like, I went, when I was in Sweden, my problem there was like, it is a very, whatever that even means, country, progressive, whatever. And I was doing, this was like, I don't know, 10 years ago.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
And I was doing, well, they have the blackface Santa Claus. They loved it. You know, the blackface Santa Claus, they still do in Sweden. No, I don't know. Pull it up. Look up blackface Santa Claus, Sweden, I think. Oh, is this Trudeau's Halloween costume? Scandinavia. Yeah. Black Pete is called. Black Pete. Oh, okay. Yeah. So do images.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
That's not even black. That is ebony. That's very uncomfortable. That is ebony. Yeah, that's dark. That is not even.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
And I was like doing some joke about like, you know, like when a guy hangs up on you and you do that and then you call him back and then he hangs up on you. And it was bombing. Like it was like doing fine in America at the time. And finally I was like, why is this bombing? And someone just went, oh, over here, men respect women. Oh. And I was like, all right, none of these jokes are going to work.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I don't think there's anything wrong. First of all, we don't know that he's breaking up with them.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I have a pet peeve. Please. I didn't really prepare for this. Please. Lay it on me. It's very rare I check my email, but when I do, when people have like a quote,
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
near with their sign off i hate oh you know what i mean and it's someone like i'd rather laugh with the sinners and cry with the saints fuck off it's also just like yeah no it's like it's like it's just like trading like you know what i mean it's like some email yeah like oh you didn't get that job and then it's like don't ask for a light look ask for a strong back like you know like why is this marilyn monroe oh oh this is it it was a charles buchowski quote oh
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Okay. But also, I just do believe, I'm not defending them, but child stars are stunted, I feel like.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
By the way, I love Charles Bukowski. You obviously don't know Charles Bukowski. You have a corporate job and there's only a video of him hitting a woman off of a couch.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I know nothing about their relationship. Who's filming that?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I think that's part of it. Did you ever read Iceberg Slim's book, Pimp?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
He talks about if a woman's out of your league, you have to kind of abuse her for the Stockholm Syndrome or something.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Kowski getting pissed. Have you seen the video of Nick Cage losing his shit for four minutes straight? No. What?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
But don't you think that Michael Jackson, he became famous at like six and then he only wanted to hang out with six-year-olds.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Have you seen Riding the Bus with My Sister? What's that? Rosie O'Donnell playing- No, I haven't. I've seen the clips. We've done the clips on here.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I'm desperate to know who, only because, I mean, it doesn't even matter, but, like, I could never, like, if I... If I heard you say it, I'd be like, Mark just said this.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
That's true. Yeah, I guess Basketball Diaries maybe or Gilbert Grape.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
That's fair. I always like to be the part, because I'm with you. I hate, like, and I'm always like, no, no, no. Did you hear what he just said? Guys, say it again. Yeah. But I also don't like being the say it again person. Right. Because now I can't say it again.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
But also, it's like if it got a big laugh, whoever that person was, people are so unused to them being funny.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
What I'm saying is Gilbert Grape was a documentary. Yes. I don't, like, honestly, like, I always thought it struck me, allegedly, as, like, just a little gay. A little gay? Like, well, you know what it is? It's like when you see a guy date the same girl over, like, this is what straight men do, right? That's kind of what it feels like to me. But honestly, as long as it's of age, who gives?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
No one saw that coming. Angelica Houston, one time I saw her on a plane and she was sitting next to someone who was like a handler or something. I have like Tourette's. I'm just saying people's secrets. And the...
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
stewardess brought her food and then she was like thank you so much this is i mean she's angelica houston yeah right i'm like staring at everything she's doing and then the person next to her took the food got up and said this is not what she ordered oh and i was like sick you have someone who's a bitch for you yeah that's smart you never have to be a bitch to anybody great call she was so nice and then someone went this is not what you fucking ordered we like did the thing ahead of time she has a dietary thing that's genius genius
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Right. I'm not going to say my pet peeve. Say it. I don't like it to be gendered. The only thing my guy and I fight about.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
It's not even a fight. It's not even a fight. I'm so in love with him. I have no notes.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
What? Please. I love them. Why the backing, the needing to find the perfect parking spot. It's just like and backing into the space.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Because you're going to have to back out. It's the exact same amount of time.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
But you can pull in straight and then back out. That's true.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I don't know. Look at Drake's text messages. Pet peeves. Pet peeves.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Oh, in general, I'm sure everybody's already said this, but when someone dies... Someone who kind of knows them being like, oh, or them going like, oh, he was such a nice guy. Yeah. As your way of star fucking after they're dead.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
He's such a nice guy means like, oh, so you knew him? Right. Or the way people write these, like, it's the idea that someone famous dies and the idiot immediately goes to their eye photo like, where's that photo? Oh, yeah. That photo would be the dead guy. That is strange. Just like picturing people doing that. Yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
People wanting to be pitied is this weird new trend where someone's like, I have Lyme disease and everyone needs to stop what they're doing.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
So there's something sadistic about it. I want to watch you squirm.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I had a guest come on. It's like a big like YouTube person, social media sort of influencer person. And I really like her. And she talked about having a mental illness. And I was like, what?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
That's what they do now. Everyone's bragging about how mentally ill they are.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
That's what happened after Me Too. Less people hire women. They're like, I can't hire a woman, so I'm going to get accused of something. Totally, totally.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I haven't seen it yet, but I love it when a meme is already huge before it's come out, when he's going...
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I'm autistic, but I think it's helped. Like I went to this doctor finally who's like super awesome, Dr. David Agus. He's like an oncologist. I was like, look, I'm about to have a kid. I don't know what to do. I went off everything like birth control and Prozac at the same time and like don't do that. And was pregnant. And I was like, I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I don't like antidepressants. If it's for you, great. If it saves your life, great. There's a lot of people in my life I lost that I wish kept taking their antidepressants. But like, I was like, you know, I guess I have OCD, I have ADD. Everybody tells me that I'm like manic and like, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, so what should I do? What should I be on?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
And he was like, is any of this working for you? Ooh. And I was like, you know what? Maybe.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I was like, maybe it kind of is. Like, it helped me stop, like, pathologizing myself. Like, if you don't like me, like, that's fine. I'll survive. But I was kind of just like, yeah, maybe some of these are superpowers. I was diagnosed as autistic. Really? I beat it. Like, a long time ago when it wasn't, like, cool or whatever. And so I was like, Asperger's, all that kind of stuff.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Like, I don't, I mean, I don't know. But there is not a lot of, yeah, there's not a lot of, like... I'm dyslexic. Yeah. Right, right. But it's also something that is- You can't prove. It's also something that would wake you off the hook if you're an asshole.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
What the fuck? Half the people think it's Brendan Schaub. No. But here's the thing. It is progress. It is someone I met at a show.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Is that a stalker? I mean, he was there with friends that were fans. I mean... But that's really funny because if a guy thinks a woman's funny, he must be like a stalker. He must be a psychopath.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
yeah i don't i what we would just fuck them yeah we would just be like no this is totally cool oh this is love what you're doing soccer to be overused um but i uh uh that's wild to me because i think it's just progress that people think it's a human because at the beginning everybody like because i talked about freezing my eggs or something everyone thought i like fucked a tesla or something like everyone was like wait is this how did you have the time did you have it in
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Neuralink, I don't know. So it's like the fact that people know that I did it naturally is probably good anyway. But no, he's just younger than me. And so it was just kind of like not like a match. He's like 10 years younger than me. He's awesome.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
In what world would I, white trash till I die. Why would I be with the father of my kid?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
He's fucking awesome. But he's not famous. And he's like, you know, he lived.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
he's very he's not a famous person so i just see the little i see him all the time okay great now they see each other all the time and and is he co-parenting he's amazing yeah oh great oh he's the best he's the best but i just don't he's not he doesn't he's actually mentally not ill he doesn't want to be famous great to love it was he like please support i mean when you said he's a young guy was he nervous to have it yeah was it was it planned or no
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I basically was, my mom was dying and I couldn't cry. And I found, yeah, I found, I mean, I was out of tears on this one. She was in a bed. Both my parents had strokes 10 years ago.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I was squirting though. Dream woman right here. Holy shit. Yeah. Yeah, right? Couldn't cry, couldn't stop squirting. And I was like, look, I'm going to go out birth control. I was 40. I was like, are you down? If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't. I don't think we're each other's person. Wow. Good for you. But you're so awesome.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
He's truly the nicest person I've ever met, the coolest, nicest. And I was in grief and all that kind of stuff. But I was just like, the pandemic happened, which stopped all of our lives. And I was like, I needed to wait for both my parents to die to have a kid. It's a long, super boring, unfunny story. But I was like, let's just try it. Like, why not?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
You know, let's just keep doing what we're doing. But like, I'd rather have a baby with a stranger than use a condom one time. So let's just go for it. I think birth control was making me nuts, dude. Yeah, it does that. This is not the time, I guess, to be anti-birth control. You know, I'm going to get came for. But like, it made me insane. Really?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I was just – it also fucks up who you're attracted to because it makes you smell pheromones differently because your body thinks it's pregnant. So women that take birth control are attracted to men with more effeminate faces. Whoa. Yeah. And so they say that if you're on birth control and you get engaged with someone, go off of it for a year to make sure you're still attracted to the person.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Yeah, not a fan. I mean, he likes female comics. He thinks women are funny. So, yeah, he's a flaming. And so and yeah. And then just like we hung out for another couple months and he went back to North Carolina and 10 weeks later, I was like, well, wow.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Okay, you at 14 years old, he believably sucked a dick for drugs in a bathroom.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Yeah. I mean, it's Brian and Sean. Yeah. I guess I just was like he was just so cool. And, you know, I don't know. I was like, I want to have a kid with you. Wow. Yeah. Is that crazy?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Yeah. I mean, he's it's like, of course, I would love to have one with some of the person I'm with. But like, that's just not.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
It's just there's something fishy about it. Because also, how do I know if I want to be with someone if I haven't seen them with a kid yet? You know, it's like a whole, my brain is so backwards.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Get a free one? But also my thing, and I know I have to go too, but like the... Guess I was I was losing my mom I don't have to tell you guys like I was there's a certain point where as maybe it's female comic I'll just speak for myself like I don't know like maybe I'm not a narcissist it turns out like I realized like I I Kind of like myself if I'm not thinking about myself all day.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Let him date a model. I don't know. I mean, something's off if you're that good of an actor.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
When we started, we were just like writing jokes, doing standup, doing whatever other job we had to do for money. Now we're just all day, me, me. And it's just like, I didn't sign up for me all day. I was so fucking sick of myself. I look like a crack whore there. I was so sick of myself. And now to be able to like, You know?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I just try to get out of your guys' way. No, no, no. Shut up. Thank you. This was a great episode. I had my baby in New York, so child service. Hey. Come for me. You kill it.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Something's off. He is so talented, this guy. There's just something to me about, like, he made, you know, not Inception. Yeah, Inception, right? Revenant. He made all these great movies. Howard Hughes. Oh, yeah.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
And then, yo, we're going to be on Dr. Phil together in, I think, Arizona in December.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
If you had to choose a character from the 90s to come back as for a comedy show, Wendy Williams.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I bring them every now and then. Yeah, I'm still figuring that out.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Blah, blah, blah. I'm afraid of intimacy. I can't be alone with myself. Stockholm, Sweden.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
That's true. Like, I don't like who he dates. Okay. I don't like that you spend your life complaining about a millionaire. Yeah, that's a good point. It's just kind of like, cool. I don't think he wants to talk to you either.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I'm trying to be on Punch Up. There's something wrong with me where I just have decided if I'm going to just fade away and be irrelevant, I guess that's what's going to happen. What are you talking about? I'm just trying, but I know there's all these things.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I just hired a manager who, yeah, they say Punch Up is amazing because they figure out where all your fans are based on your socials. I need to do that.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Sorry, he's just like, what question was that in response to?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I'll say I remember I think it was John Mayer who's like kind of into comedy you know yes yes he's tried it I'm trying to not a shit on him drop hilarious how you filled that in but he was saying something about I was like in I mean you're married thank God now yes yes and you are I'm not.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
But you're in a good place because once you get famous, like any woman, any guy, every guy that I've dated until now, thank God, the guy that I'm dating, I didn't know that he was that famous. I truly didn't know. I just, because his body is so husky, I didn't realize he was like.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
A big skater. And so there's something about like when people don't even know they're doing it. When you're like a little bit famous, it like intoxicates them, whatever. Every guy I've dated in the past 10 years, they're a lawyer. They're a doctor. We start dating. They want to start a podcast. They stand up and it's just sort of like. Gross.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
was that because we, but there must be something in the back of their mind. So John Mayer once was saying, I was like, why do you only date famous women? You know what I mean? I was like giving him shit about it. Because a woman that's not famous wants to be famous if they, that's why so many famous guys date bottle service girls. Because they already have, they already have to come talk to you.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Like they're not seeking you out in the club. You never hook up with just the girl who's like, hey, oh, oh, hey, hi, that's John.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
But Leonardo DiCaprio is so famous. You know what I mean? So he basically just every year is like, what is he going to get on a hinge? Right. He just has to go to the Victoria's Secret fashion show and be like her. Like that's his dating app.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
He was toxic. He gaslit. Yes. I feel like the Victoria's Secret models know the deal.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
And they're like, I get to date Leonardo DiCaprio for two years. No one gets hurt.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Yeah. That's a good point. One of his girlfriends is right here behind.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
So what are the Halloween, what can we dress as this year?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Baskin Robbins Kit Kats? Like, thank you, actually, for real.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Then they add orange to it. Yeah. Orange peel. Oh, my God. Mint chocolate chip is my favorite. Tell me one.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
But I just mean, like, what can we dress as this year? We can't.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
The fact that we're allowed to be pirates. They raped and pillaged.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
I know. That's a good point. That's fine. But you can't be Hitler. Okay. I'm good.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
You know what is wild about Hitler? I know you guys are already like... Can I ask how old you guys are?
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Did you know that he wanted to be a... Did you know he wanted to be a painter?