Vanessa B. Bonds

And if you don't take my hand, if you say no, if you reject me, you are not being cooperative.

And everything in our being, you know, from how we've evolved to how we've been socialized, tells us that we're supposed to cooperate with other people.

And so when we say no, we're potentially risking damaging our reputation and looking like uncooperative people.

We're potentially damaging our relationship with that person.

And then there's also this risk of sort of tangible repercussions.

Right.

It's possible that this person won't reciprocate down the line.

It's even possible that they'll get aggressive with us because they're upset.

So there's just so many risks, many of them social, but some of them even instrumental, involved in saying no.

Women are socialized to be communal and cooperative.

And so when we say no, when we essentially say, no, I'm not going to cooperate.

Right.

First of all, we aren't living up to the expectations that we've been socialized to have, that we're supposed to be communal and cooperative.

And so we feel bad about ourselves.

Right.

We also are often punished reputationally because we're not conforming to the stereotype of women being communal and cooperative.

And so people kind of see us as less warm.

They may, you know, have sort of a negative impression of us if we say no because it doesn't fit what they're expecting us to say.

Yeah, I have a lot to say about that.

So essentially, you know, there's a distinction between giving and giving in.