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You'd have to stay in this business.

I'm telling you, these things are awesome. And what I love about them is the way the dispenser comes with them. I love this top because you just spin it a little bit and you control the olive oil. You don't have to put your thumb over it like you used to back in the day.

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sound of madness and all the classics you'll love alongside some of the never before performed deep cuts and of course the mind-blowing production and pyro the band is known for and i am telling you i've seen that firsthand we saw them on tour the whole our whole group saw them and it was one of the most amazing shows and if you are one of those people that's lived under a rock and are unfamiliar with shine down check out burt cast number 623 they play acoustic i'm telling you zach

Yeah, because we're all kind of are going to do that at some point. And you can't go like, oh, movie star. I'll take movie star.

is what they call a prodigy guitar. He is amazing. He is brilliant. And by the way, they're bringing Bush with you. Are you kidding me? Morgan Wade? This is a night you're not going to want to miss. For a full list of dates and to secure your tickets right now, visit Shinedown.com. Bruno Mars, Filipino. Yeah, yeah.

Dude, he got shit on back in the day because they saw he was like a culture vulture or something.

I mean, I think he's fucking incredible. Yeah. He is one of the best damn entertainers in the fucking world. So good. Yeah. I mean, honestly, there's not a lot of people that compete with fucking that guy. He is so good. And hardcore Filipino. Yeah.

I could low-key bring this up. I read the book, and whenever I go traveling, I read books about the place I'm at, or listen to podcasts, or not podcasts, audio books about them. And I went to Hawaii, and I listened to the audio book of Hawaii, and it... It was written in, like, 1950. Whoa. And it was so racist.

Ugh. And it's an audio book, right? Yeah. So he's like, and then the Hawaiian princess came up and was like, me want coconut. And you're like, oh, my God.

Oh, I was wondering when I was getting my drink. I was sitting here going, like, fucking Sarah's really making her. Cheers. Gentlemen, cheers. Congratulations on all your success.

Don't you love when you hear about those jobs and you're like, like I had Thomas Lennon on, he used to get paid bleep out the number. He used to get paid dollars a weekend to look at a script and punch it up.

Give me the path. Give me the path that we're talking. Because my path, our path, like my generation was... Mobile mics, stand-up, Funny Bones, Funny Bones Improvs, and that was it. That was all we knew to be. But the path now seems to be like you already have a great fucking hot seat show, right? Hot seat?

It's awesome. So all of a sudden you have great... kind of like tentpole shows that you create, you make, and all of a sudden that helps sell tickets. So tell me the path.

I gotta let this stew.

Isn't that crazy how, and I mean this with respect, how delusional we are when we're young. We're like, if I can get a following. And now as you really get a following, you're like, what was I ever fucking thinking? What is that, five people that are really into me?

What year is this?

By the way, I only need to tag this with connectivity. 2014, I was lost as fuck.

Oh, dude, I was not. I would have been almost in the same shoes as you. Hell yeah. Keep going, keep going.

Really? Like what's the stride feel like? Because I remember my stride where I'm like, I learned how to edit. I learned how to shoot. And all of a sudden I could create, I could make myself out there.

Oh yeah. Zero rejection. Have you ever written a script? Have you ever written a script and shot it?

You're not waiting to go. I stopped auditioning. So I was like, why would I audition? Why can't you just make shit?

That's awesome.

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Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not me, because I'm a fucking baller, but.

Yeah, in the cars. It was no honking. I created it. So like some people came in and they didn't know how to handle it. I was the first one to do one. So I was like, no honks, just laugh. And I can hear you laugh. And I know they're funny. And you would hear, it's like you ever do... I don't know if you've ever done like a college where it's outdoors. Oh, yeah. And they're kind of spread out.

And you're like, all I'm playing to really is the front hundred people. Yeah. And so if I get those front hundred people, I know the rest are laughing in the back. I just can't hear them because there's no ceiling.

And so that was the way I did it. And I did the first one. And I was like, I called my agent. And I was like, book out the summer.

Book out the whole fucking summer until it gets cold. Yeah. Work me until November.

And it was the greatest touring I've ever done. My favorite thing I've ever done out of everything I've ever done. Wow. Without a doubt. It was a crazy time to see the world. It was a crazy time to see America. It was... We had access to absolutely every national park, every Airbnb, every fucking beautiful vista. We were there by ourselves in the tour bus. That's nuts.

It's hard to translate from paper to funny.

I was with my friends, and... Yeah, and I was like... And my big fear when the pandemic started was because we had just bought our house down the street, is that... is that I wasn't gonna afford it. And then once I started making a little money, I didn't make that much money, but I was making enough to keep everyone afloat. And I started making the people that were working for me money.

And they were like, on the first night, I gotta shut up. I know I'm talking too much. I feel like on the first night we had done our first show, I called my agent and I was like, book out the rest of the summer. And we get done, and I have a bunch of joints for everyone that's working on this. It was like we'd have a 13-pack man crew who brought the stage, set it up, ran the audio, ran everything.

And we all have a beer, kind of socially distanced. We all light a joint, and one of the dudes is like, brother, I'm not losing my house because of you. Oh, damn. And they went around the thing going like, thank you for your work. Dude, that's sick. That's beautiful. They're like, if you can do more of these. And I was like, guys, I just signed up for the summer. And they're like, fuck yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, yeah, and then I got to a place where I started feeling like a, I don't know whatever the complex is, but like a savior complex where I was like, I can't stop touring. Like, I'm helping people. I can't stop touring. And Leanne would be like, yo, I was in Chicago in like 20 degree weather and it was snowing and I was shirtless on the lake. And I'm just like, when I was 22 years old.

Everyone was like, just fucking tell it quick, bro. Let's get the fuck out of here. So no pneumonia. No, no. Came close though. Yeah. But that's, it's, getting out of the pandemic was like, it was almost like opening Christmas presents. Yeah. When they let us back in clubs, we were like,

Oh, nice, nice, nice. I own a vodka company with my best friend and disabled comedian, Tom Segura. Oh. And we are going to make a vodka margarita. It's gonna be good. I'm not gonna make it. Will someone else make it? Awesome, awesome. And ethnically, I couldn't really place you. And I found out on the internet that no one can fucking place you.

Wait, Louis isn't Filipino.

I think he's Chinese. Louis Lee, yeah. He was not a fan of mine. Really? Oh, yeah. I worked there for Jameson Comedy. And I said, you know, I'm really excited. I'd love to work this place more. And Louis Lee said to me, I already got one of you. And he doesn't curse. And he pointed to Chad Daniels. And I was like, oh, God.

How long were you not drinking?

If you can, I would love to be the person that, like my wife, will be like, go to dinner, and she's like, nah, I don't want a drink. I don't know what that's like. When you guys rolled in, I was like, I hope they drink. I was like, well.

We'll see. We'll see. I mean... I can tell you the things that we snag our shirts on.

Is that what we are? I've gotten so much better at sex now with my wife.

You're the future. You're what the future's gonna look like. I'm trying to be. It started with this.

I think that's a David Tell joke. Is that? No, do you want to go back? I don't like that you guys are looking at each other. Who?

Yeah. Once you've been married 20 fucking, how long have we been married? 22 years? 21 years?

Okay, I love talking about this. I love, and my wife's in the other room.

So initially... I'm looking at her perspective, too. For a very long time... They don't film that.

We were very meat and potatoes for a very long time. What does that mean? What's meat and potatoes? Okay, so... Missionary?

I mean, this is really cool. OK, so meat and potatoes technically means not a lot of variation. So if I was going to set a table, I'd go like this. This is what our sex would look like, OK? OK. Boom. OK. Boom, boom. Every night, every night, same way. You want to have sex tomorrow night? Sure. Boom, boom, boom. Hey wait, should we do it before the girls go to bed? No, no, no, no, no.

This is the next. Dude, what year do you think this will be no more?

When they go to sleep. Boom, boom, boom. And then one night... my wife was like, let's try this. And I went, what the fuck? She goes, I just want to play with it a little bit. And I was like, okay. I was like, what do we do with this stuff? Like, I've been doing this the whole time. It was like totally, like, and it's because I think our girls got older. She's on testosterone. I'm on testosterone.

And it was like there was no one in the house. And now it's probably the funnest sex has ever been in our entire life. And we know each other so well. We trust each other. I mean, we know each other so well. It's like we're our people.

Okay, that's pretty good. Are you guys adventurous sexy? Um, we're kind of like... Yeah, yeah, tell me.

I love that you turned into fucking a little bit of a soul singer. My first, my last, my everything.

I think you're the last one. You guys will tell your kids about me. No, he was white. There used to be white men. You guys would be the wooly men. Pure.

Just bring your clothes over. Hey, give me a heads up and get the light. That's right.

The ladies should get a sex light.

Yeah.

You're getting bumped. No offense.

They look great. They look great. Okay. No.

No, you throw a temper tantrum.

And you go, oh, this is why guys cheat on their wives.

Pure, like, no, he'd go outside and the sun would burn his skin. Shut up. No, they would put a cream on.

Just whatever. Fine. You're really acting like that when she's like, I can't? Yeah, I was a kid. Wait, how old are you? You were not a kid. Shut up, Liam.

Wait, hold on. Whose fucking team are you on? What are you, one of these male feminists?

You know my wife right now is going, God, what a great guy.

That was a really cute baby voice.

She was really good at that. So wait, hold on one second. You haven't had sex in nine months? No, no, no. I'm just. Okay, okay. Because I was like, I heard nine months and that's where I was like, boom. No, no.

We were like three days in.

Oh, you had to chill for a little bit. Yeah. And then wait, just since we're here, let's talk about it.

And then if your wife said, cool, but you got to wear condoms. Yeah, I don't even know what those are. What are those? I don't even know what those are.

My mom was like, right after we had Georgia, she was like, so we're going to have sex again, but you got to wear a condom because I don't want to get pregnant again. I was like, hold on. I don't wear condoms. Yeah, yeah. She was like, well... I know, but... I mean, I don't want to get pregnant. I can't be on the pill and breastfeed and all this stuff.

And I was like... And that's when my temper tantrum showed up. I was like, I'm not going to wear a fucking condom. Wow.

I'm so glad you weren't in our house at that period. Because that is exactly what I did. That is, to a T, what I did. And I want to make a toast to all the men out there, like myself, who didn't cheat and just threw temper tantrums. To temper tantrums, everybody.

I love when you're going to walk in and you're like, I hear you. There's been a lot of dick sucking around here.

Never cried. Just fucking temper tantrums. Okay, all right. For the record, I've never cried. Just a wild temper tantrum. Just like, are you being serious? Are you being serious? Oh, okay. This is how it'll be. Yeah, I'm not. Man, I overshare, and I understand that. That's all right. No, but here's the deal. I respect it. There are so many things I'm not proud of as a partner to my wife. Sure.

With, like, my personality. Sure. Because she's pretty fucking legit. Yeah. Like, I remember one time we were fighting.

What was that? How many kids do you have? Like, two, I think. And then. And we were fighting, and then she got me confused. And I go, I don't even know what we're fighting about right now. You got to remind me because I was drunk. She was like, who am I talking to? Yeah. Yeah, I'm not. Look, I don't hit them. I pay for everything. I don't cheat. I don't drink and drive.

I do all the good things, but it's like, oh, look, man. I think... You know, I overshare because I think there's more broken people than pure people. Yeah, 100%. I don't know, man. The second I started talking about my family, how do you – and I don't know if you've seen much of my stand-up, but I've obviously talked about my family a lot.

And now that you have a family, do you feel like when you see that – because I think I've walked the territory west, and you've seen the pitfalls I've fallen in. Do you look at that and go, man, maybe I'll keep my family ship family?

I kind of remember when whites was a thing. How do you still think? It's pretty cool.

Iron out heroes, that's a great phrase. Hey, man. That's a great phrase.

When you had no kids, you had no... You have nothing right now. You have nothing.

I'm trying to think. Do I cook these in this? I think so, right? Sorry, I had to... What? Sure. I'll take another one. Yes, we need another round of drinks. So wait. I do have some. Have a little sip. I had two. This is your second? I had two sips, Dad. But like. It is an interesting thing because there's guys I'm friends with that don't talk about their family.

And I would love them too.

And then there's guys that, like myself, I think I overshared about my family. I'm cool with it. It's my path. It's like, what am I going to fucking sit back and regret? I don't regret. And I don't believe in shame. I just go like, we're moving forward. And that's what I've done. And now I've learned and there's times I run things by my girls, by my wife.

But even like the way we shared right now, that's part of who I am. Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. I don't want you to think I'm judging you. No, you're not. I mean, I don't think you are, for real. I don't think comics judge.

That's the thing about us is like we have a shorthand that's very cool.

Yeah, she's pretty hot but I was at a party in Hollywood with all actors writers directors and like I mean like legit Talent and his hot moms and his mom came in.

Okay, Reddy, what's your favorite thing about being Filipino?

Sometimes you say things, like, that are... Sometimes you'll say things, and you don't know what you're saying.

Like, I was talking to my black friend. His name's Imaginary, and, uh... And that's an old joke. God, I miss stand-up. I miss that kind of stand-up, like club stand-up, where you're just like, ta-ta. You guys are still in it. I've watched everything you guys have done. But you still are crowd work at the improv, hammer, hammer. I can't tell if they're setups because they're that good.

You kill them down the street, you're a block away from one. Yeah, yeah. It's so funny, I have the exact opposite perspective, and I wonder if that's because of what I talk about. Because I used to, when I was younger, if I did a college or if I went out of the country or Australia or Hawaii, I was like, okay, what material will work here? And then when I did my first European tour,

I was, no, I did my first abroad show as a guy who could sell tickets. I did it one night. The girls were over there on vacation. Our friend was making a movie over there. We went over there, and I was like, you know, my business manager was like, if you do one show, it's a business write-off. And I was like, done. So I set up on the Shakespeare Theater. Maybe I shouldn't say that out loud.

But the William Shakespeare Theater is like a comedy club in London. It's great. It's 150 seats. It's awesome. Yeah. Sold out in seconds. And I was like, nice. It's all fans. And I was like, I just did my act the way I didn't think about it. Yeah. Because there's smaller rooms. You don't think you're in Europe. And then it was killing. And I was like, oh, cool. I've never changed anything.

When I travel abroad, I never change a thing. Yeah. And I wonder if it's what I talk about or if I wonder if it's because I'm older and I just don't care.

Yeah, they're your people. Podcasting has changed that too. Yeah. With podcasting.

Singapore's great.

Singapore's fucking awesome. It's a wild place. You can't spit on the street.

No gum. But it's fun as shit.

I was just a dude. All right. Start at the beginning. I had a weird chapter in my life.

You want to go to the Philippines?

It's like when you're on a date, you go, you want to go to Chili's? I went there for lunch. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it was a white girl. 100% a white girl. Oh, yeah, dude. Are you kidding me?

Oh. Have you ever had a Filipino chick? I have, yeah. What's the difference?

I've never been with an Asian. I've never been with anybody white. That came out weird.

And dude, I was going to be you. I was gonna be you. What do you mean? What do you mean?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You're at a benefit. And you get up and they're like, his English is amazing.

You can still do it. Joe Coy's kind of got the arenas locked.

That's so fucking funny.

I was like... I'm still thinking about the disaster.

Wait again to get any food. I was so hungry. I mean... Fuckin' you have no idea how hard it is to get food after an earthquake and you look like me. They're giving it to all the whites. I'm like, hello. I'm one of you. I had to check. Oh my God. I'm with you guys. I'm with you guys. Your girlfriend must have got a lot of shit. I'm so sorry. I should be on the other side of the fence.

Does your family know who Joe Coy is?

Every Filipino does.

I'm going to pass out.

That is so fucking funny. Derek, are you talking to them? We're trying to get food. Yeah, I got this. Food.

It's like... Right away.

I really do. I really do. Race is so funny. This is, for me, it's hysterical because you sound like me when I go to Ireland. And I'm like, you know I'm Irish, right? And they're like, all right, mate. Yeah, yeah. That's not the right accent. Yeah. Oh.

Oh, fuck. Top of the morning to you. Oh, we're going to get fucking cranked.

Oh. Oh, sweet.

This is 11 months recovery? Yeah. Oh, fucking for real? Oh, I got so excited. I was like, oh, we took your recovery? I knew you. I've never taken anyone's virginity before. This is like taking virginity. Oh my God, my dick got hard. I was like, shut the fuck up. I knocked you off the wagon?

I dreamed of this.

You got it on Amazon? Yes. Put a link in the fucking bio. That's fucking amazing. That's fucking great. I need to get pretty stoked about that. I should have kept it going. That's good. That's fucking good. I wasn't sure if you were going to feel bad. Can I have this? Can I have this? Of course you can.

Holy shit. You're lying. You're fucking lying. You're fucking lying.

Let's go.

Yeah, with my wife in the bathroom. Can I shake? And told her I was doing it. I was like, hey, do you want to come in and I'll play with your tits? And she was like, that sounds like an invite. And I was like, never mind, I'm all good. Dude, I'd love to have you as a dad. Is she still not here anymore? She's upstairs. She's in a meeting, okay. Oh, gosh.

We should all jerk off here in this other room. Dude, I'm on testosterone. I'm jerking off every fucking morning. I jerked off the other day just for her so that I didn't bother her. Yeah.

Yeah. I've never jerked off with other dudes, and I know that people have done that. And now I'm at a place where I'm like, maybe I should try it.

Gentlemen. Boys. What if you just saw all the cameras start going like this? Yeah. Yeah. So we keep going. Let's get back to this fucking great story.

Sexual Assault Anonymous.

Guys, I've been raped in two days. Oh, way to go. JR, good job. Yeah, I really wanted to.

It sounds like a hip hop song. Yeah. Pussy was my downfall. But, um. Oh, you should write a fucking country. Go get my guitar. You gotta write a country song. Pussy was my downfall. About pussy. Yeah. Oh, come on. That's so good. Pussy was my downfall is going to be a hit. Pussy was my downfall. Yeah. Pussy was my downfall.

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She looked at me from across the bar and I knew she didn't live very far from where I was going. I know she was hoeing. Pussy was my downfall, she was fat, and I'd never fucked that, but with drinks inside me, I knew. Pussy was my downfall. Pussy was my downfall. Pussy was my downfall. I didn't wear a condom, and I jerked off in the morning.

Now I'm a part of sexual assault. Hey, grab my guitar. Keep going.

Oh, shit. That's probably the end of it. Am I right, guys? We're right. Nobody else? Sweet, sweet. Keep going. This is fascinating to me. Because I have a thing I've said. I've said a lot of wild stuff online. Stuff I regret, but I don't.

I also feel like if you're trying to make people laugh, It's okay. If we know you're trying to make me laugh, I got you. I got your back, man. But I find this really fascinating because I have a couple friends that are sober that have talked to me about sobriety. And one time one guy was like, He was like, how you doing, man? I said, I'm good. He's like, yeah. I was like, you still partying?

I said, yeah. He's like, man, I'll tell you, if you ever want to come to a meeting. And I was like, I can go to a meeting just to hang with you, but we can all just go get coffee. I was like, I don't really, I'm not going to quit drinking. He's like, I haven't jerked off in like six months. And I was like, wait, is that a thing I got to quit too? And then he was like, no, it's part of my thing.

Yeah, so... I could not hang out in that family. I barely brush my teeth.

And I was like, and so I didn't realize that's the thing. If I jerk off every day, I just jerk off every day. What's wrong with that? But we keep going.

Oh, you really got a guitar? Yeah. Oh, hold on. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hold on, Sandra. Sandra does not speak English, so... Oh, she's part of the Filipino relief disaster.

Oh, what the fuck? Yeah, I speak Vietnamese. Holy shit. Is that real? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my... No way.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. She speaks perfectly English.

But every time someone comes in here that's older and white, we tell her, don't, pretend like you don't speak English, I'll talk to you in Vietnamese. And every time I do it, she does not break character, and my Vietnamese does not sound like Vietnamese. It sounds like complete made-up Vietnamese.

Yeah.

How often do you floss?

So you're doing the party line with a bunch of guys that are supposed to... You're on a Zoom, just everyone's like, hey, hey, hey, hey, can you, I need to see full body there, Derek. And he's like, I can't do it. And he's like, hold on, you're using your left hand to hit the space button. Thank you. All right, here you go. Grazie. These are, thank you so much.

Does your mom clean your teeth?

I'm putting this, you know I'm keeping this. Yeah, of course. This is chicken. Um, yeah, yeah, yeah. Now listen, I also have, are you guys hot sauce guys? I'm chill.

Okay, this isn't mild.

Have you ever had El Yucateca?

Have you ever had Cholula? Oh, yeah, I've had that. Okay, so in case you want hot sauce, I'm going to go, I'm going to go, I haven't had hot sauce in a while. Yeah? And I, right before this started, we're cool with sharing the secrets, okay?

Leanne? Right before this started, I walked out to the back, and I was going to take a shower out back, and I thought I was going to fart, and I shit all over the sidewalk. Is this real? This is very real. This is right before you guys walked in.

Is it still there? No, no, no. I washed it off, and then I was like, yo, I'm not done, and I shit all over the bushes. I just turned around, and I pushed, and I shit all over the bushes, and I was like, wow, I haven't done that in a long time, like since Florida. No way you clean up that bush. I host it. I almost FaceTimed Tommy to show him because I knew he'd appreciate it.

And Leanne said, something's off on you. And I was like, no, nothing's off. But I did just shit all over the sidewalk. She was like, what? She's like, is something going on with you? And I was like, no, but it was just a weird, like I'm a shit naked. I was naked and I just shit on the sidewalk and went, whoa. Is that the TRT you think? I don't know.

Yeah. I don't know. We're thinking it might be the hot sauce.

I figured I'd try the hot sauce on that, and then I'm going to try one of these.

Whoa, whoa, this escalated quickly. It's so weird. It was pretty gross. It's so weird that if someone will put their fingers in your mouth, like if I said, hey man, can I put my fingers in your mouth? You'd be like, no. But then you go to an office and you're like, please.

So I'm dying to see what you guys think of this. This is a mole chicken chorizo taco. Cheers, gentlemen. Hey, for real, thank you guys for doing this.

This is great, man.

Thank you so much. I might as well take another one too. Oh, that's what I wanted to see.

Let's murder the whole drink at one take. Okay. Are you in? Yeah. All right, one take.

One take.

This one? One take. Okay. One take. Hey, we'll wrap up the episode. One take. All right. Or we'll talk more. Those are good options. All right, cheers, gentlemen. What are you doing? It's sweet. It's like drinking orange juice. I can't drink that fast.

I'm getting a Harley.

They're like fucking buzz. My wife's like a butt plague of fun. Just kidding. I'm just kidding, baby. I love you. I'm just kidding. She doesn't want me to get a motorcycle because she's seen a couple videos of dudes dropping their legs around light poles.

I am a fan of Harley-Davidson. I will be getting a Harley-Davidson, and I cannot wait for my Harley-Davidson.

It's a fucking luxury brand.

When you talk about motorcycles, right?

Look, I'm not a Bugatti guy. I'm not a fucking guy or whatever the thing is. The stuff that you see, like Alonzo Bowden drive, I don't know that stuff. Yeah. I don't care. Yeah. I want the thing.

It's like badass. Look, I like Indian. I like Indian, but I don't like the chief. I don't like the scout. The chief's too big for me. But Harley has such an array of different bodies. And all I wanted is, I drive an electric bike here sometimes to work. And they're so quiet. And that's danger. You want to hear it because then people see you and hear you. I agree.

And so I was like, fucking get something loud. Get something ridiculous.

Fucking once a week. Don't drive it as your day car. Like, that's not your day car. Have fun with it. Let it be like a cigar. Or like jerking off, but not when you have a problem with it. Sure. You know what I mean.

Kill, kill.

I love that share.

I got my first jerk-off was Wonder Woman.

The cartoon? No. No. I don't know. You are so Asian.

No, it's Linda Carter. By the way, Leon, what are the odds he knows who Linda Carter is?

I almost jerked off right now.

Yeah, it's a long guys check out something's burning this week if I'm all of them that is a fucking That was a great fucking question In memoriam like the their photos in the year and all that stuff and this is random life and Okay, she's not one.

Well, hold on. We've lost Shannon Doherty.

Okay, I jerked off to her.

Yes. So was...

No, no, no, no. We're leaving it in. No one will edit this out. This is what a podcast is about.

No, me either.

Hang on.

If there's anyone on my team that doesn't think that's the best question I've ever heard on a fucking fucking show, you're out of your goddamn mind.

How many poor people have you jerked off to that are still alive? Or dead, yeah. Or just dead. Hitler. That's a great in memoriam. Hitler is definitely dead. Mao Zedong.

Suzanne Somers is dead?

Wow, wow, wow. This is great.

No, Suzanne Somers was on... Hang on, hang on. Sing the song, Leanne. In the yard. Come on, knock on my door. I'm waiting for you. Hers and his three's company too. Oh, John Ritter, I jerked off to him. I'm just saying.

John Ritter's been dead for a while.

Joan Rivers is dead, okay? We jerked off to her. This is a great fucking game. So wait, can we get a musical song from you? Sure. I don't know if it's going to be good at this point.

I think what we do is we figure it out. I feel like when I watch you play, it really feels so stream of consciousness. Yeah, yeah. It really doesn't feel like, like when I watch you do stand up, it seems very in the moment. And when I watch you play, it feels very in the moment. I'm not going to play it.

Sorry. Sandra, do you want to sit in there with him?

Well, if it's your mom, all pictures are sexy. Hold on, hold on. Mill folder, mill folder. Yeah.

Listen, man, I'm fucked up.

When did you start playing guitar?

This is so good.

I had some kids. I had some kids while you're looking. Okay. I love this already.

I was 17. I didn't know how fast it would happen. Didn't realize the anxiety that would show up when I thought I got AIDS and herpes and genital warts.

All we had was prayer. All we had was prayer, God damn it. Thank you, God. And I went to St. Mary's Church at the end of Lake Magdalene Boulevard every day.

And prayed, Lord, don't get her pregnant. Don't give me AIDS. I don't need herpes, I don't need syphilis, and I don't want the clap. All I want is my virginity, and I want it back.

I swallow.

They are never letting your ass back in after that shit, brother. Ladies and gentlemen, that was a fucking fantastic episode. Guys, fucking banger.

And I'll still take that drink. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

That was fucking great.

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This is me. Holy! That's your mom?

Yeah, that's cool.

That's nice. Yeah. That's nice. Where's your mom? Well, I mean, earlier you thought you saw my mom. I thought I was Googling. I was Googling. I was looking at his pictures and it just said mom on the post.

And it was a grainy photo. Yeah. And I was like, God damn, his mom's fucking hot. And I was like, what year is that? She's like stylish then. She's stylish like 22 years ago. And I'm fucking scrolling. I'm like, God damn it, man. And I was like, oh, he was a cute baby. And then I was like, oh shit, that's his wife.

We had our friends over the other day and they were like, do you have a picture of Leanne when you guys first started dating? And I was like, yeah. And I showed it to her and our friend, she's a young lady, she's like 18. She's at her house eating dinner. She's like, holy shit, Leanne, you used to be hot.

I'm still out. Yeah, thank you. Yeah, damn it. Guys, I'm going to make a mole chicken taco for you along with these corn fritters, okay? I couldn't really place ethnically. I don't even know how to make Filipino food. Yeah, that would be really... Close enough. Not that I would know. Wait, no, what? Well, your brown eyes are deceptive. Yeah. There's a little bit of settler in you.

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Yeah, yeah, there is.

I don't know. Those are crazy brown eyes. I could be Thai-Swedish.

All you gotta do is, wait, you know what you do? Just change your ethnicity when you go to a city that's big.

If you're in San Francisco, you're like, Mahola Makita. Makita? Mahal Kita. Is that how you say it? I love you. Mahal kita. Mahal kita. You know, Joe texts that to me, and we're in the fucking, I'm getting a cab in the city, and the guy's like, I'm from the Philippines. I go, oh, really? I said, I know Joe Coy, and he goes, no, you don't. And I said, no, I really do.

And he goes, I promise you, you don't. I said, no, I really do. And he was like, I know a lot about Philippine culture just through Joe. So he guys pulls me up to my tour bus. He goes, oh, yeah. And then I go, mahal kita. And he was like, huh? I just told my fucking cab driver I loved him. I thought it was like, what's up? Yeah, yeah. You said it so chill. Yeah. I love you, man.

He's a legend in all people.

I mean, in all honesty, Joe Coy, Joe Coy's a bad motherfucker, man.

You fly private?

Joe, what does he do? He doesn't drink on a flight, does he?

Wait, do you, are you, can you, I have a fear of flying. Do you? Hardcore.

Oh, yeah. I hate it.

I really hate it.

So when you saw those plane crashes this year? I think about them the entire time I fly. Going, so it'll just happen, and I have nothing I can do about it. There's no stopping it. I have had a fear of flying my whole life. And so, yeah, I drink aggressively on a plane.

Like to the point where, you know, I got to measure myself so she doesn't cut me off. Right. Because if she lets me, like if I get recognized by a flight attendant, and I'm allowed to drink, I'll get after it.

Is that too crazy? No, you know why? Because it'll make me laugh and it'll get my out of my fucking head. My thing is, I think it's Pavlovian mostly, my behavior, is I've had a fear of flying my whole life. And when I was like 18, we... Well, yeah, how did it start? Was there something, or it's just always... I don't know. I don't know. I'm in therapy, so I don't... There's got to be some trauma.

Sure. I don't know, really. Yeah. But... Were you thrown in the air as a baby? No, no, no. No, my dad died in a plane crash.

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The Adam Sandler movie, Rain Over Me, that was about me. Did you know that on Richie Ballins' flight, Waylon Jennings was supposed to be on that flight?

Yes. It's a little more impressive of a story when you know Waylon Jennings. So as soon as I said that, I watched both of you guys glaze over. You're like, yeah.

I assumed that, yeah. He's like one of the original outlaws of country music.

Shooter, yeah. They all had sons, and all their sons are talented. I had dinner next to Willie Nelson's son.

Yeah, he was a sweet kid. That's awesome. Yeah. Who's like the most famous singer in the Philippines?

Manny Pacquiao. Is Manny Pacquiao legit?

He really has an album? Manny Pacquiao does.

I used to have, you know how you have your go-to jokes? Like when you meet a, like I saw you do one the other day, you're like, are there any, wait, maybe it was you.

It sounds different when you say it. Are there any half-breeds in the room? You feel like I'm going to start taking names. And you go, what are you? And the lady goes, whatever, something in white. And you're like, dad's white? He's like, you know those go-to things? My mind with Philippines was, anytime I met a Filipino guy, I'd go, the most American names always. I'd go, what's your name?

Guys, I've been raped in two days. Oh, way to go. If you had to do a different job in this business, what job would you want to do?

And he's like, William. And it was always something really great like that. But then it kind of stopped.

Yeah, I think it was generational.

Yeah, yeah. Sometimes I forget the horrible shit I say.

I met the Jabbawockeez. Yeah. Yeah, I worked with the Jabbawockeez. Did you have them on a show? No, I was when I was on Travel Channel. Were they actual Jabbawockeez? They're all fucking Filipino nurses. They're all Filipino. They're all Filipino. They're like, Bert, we told you we're not Jabbawockeez. That's what they call them in Star Wars.

I'm just walking through Bruno Mars' backstage going, look at all these Jabbawockeez. This episode of Something's Burning is brought to you by Graza. This is sincerely my new favorite olive oil. It is fresh. It never has been blended. It comes from a single type of olive, the picole, straight from high in Spain, where over half the world's olive oil is produced. That's right.

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