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Appearances
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Yeah, this guy, whole fucking wheelchair. Forget about the crutch. Oh, Lord.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Can you imagine this guy being your tour guide at the end? You better give me a fucking tip. Or I'm going to follow you fucking home, Wendy. Okay.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Okay, don't make me fall in love with you, guy. Can you do me a favor and lick the air for a second?
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
It's actually a good thing, right? Like, when you feel the plane go up like that, that means that you've got lift. There's thrust under the wings. That's the first law of aerodynamics, Dairy Queen-like hair.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Wow. What was the fattest part? The arse, the legs, the chest? Did you have a gut? Like, talk to me. Describe it. Not for me. For that guy there. Yeah.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Can we see the belly meat? I love stretchy belly. Come on, let's do it. It's not as stretchy, man. It's not as stretchy. Oh, God. That's not bad. It's not, yeah.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
That wasn't bad at all. No. That was probably what you felt on the airplane, your own stomach slapping you in the face. Yeah. Yeah, it was blurbulence. Did you just come up with, invent a new word? Yeah. Blurbulence.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Very scary names. Children of the popcorn, apparently. Yeah. How scared of you on a scale of 1 to 10 were you scared of that turbulence on the plane? Be honest. Don't be afraid to look like a scaredy guy on a scale of 1 to 10.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
You sure it wasn't 10.30? Sir, if you could sit the fuck down. Oh, that's a waitress. Go ahead. Go ahead, night stalker. Finish.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
You know he's one of Uncle Lazer's writers, right? Like, this is just a continuation of the last story.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
You know what I thought of when I first looked at him? Don't take this the wrong way, guy, but when you first walked out, I thought, I've always wondered what it looked like if Shrek was peeled.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Well, I love that they didn't react to the molestation joke, but they really warmed up to the domestic violence one. Yeah.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
How do you say it with, like, a German accent, your last name? I don't know, dude. I don't fucking... I'm not German.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Like, you don't say around, like, your grandparents don't say, Like, something like that? No. Does that sound familiar, Guy?
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Dude, do you know what you are? At this point, you're like fucking International House of Pancakes. Like, where... What are you? British? German? You're red-headed, too.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Yeah, that's what I want to see. I want to be walking down the sidewalk and see Elton John burning ants.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
What kind of bike did you sell him? A Harley? A BMW. He's fancy.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
What about a Jew on an Indian? Well, you know what I call that. What?
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Dude, was it at night? Yeah. You dummy. You would have been able to have seen the deer and he would have been able to see you if you were just holding up the window light, huh? I hope I get hit by a moose tonight after that joke.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Well, if it's a girl's bike, just give me a Rebel Wilson 500. How about that?
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Not bad. Are you really gonna get a bike, bro? No? No. I used to ride a Honda Shadow around. Really? Yeah. What's that like? Oh, it's like a chopper bike. Oh, the Shadow. Rode around Nagasaki and Hiroshima.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
He goes great with Russell Brand, by the way, I got to tell you.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Thank you. Is there something wrong with your neck, by the way?
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
I feel like I should be in a new movie, the Tourette's movie. What the hell is... How we feeling tonight? Good, buddy. I brought a little thingamajig if I could. What happened? Well, nothing happened to me, gang. Comedy gang. But, you know, in all these award shows, they have like a silver buzzer, a golden buzzer. And every now and then we get comics.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
You know, everyone tries real, real hard, like. And... Every now and then we get one that needs a little help, a little extra help. So tonight I'll be giving away the silver crotch.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Do you have a backup skill? Like, do you know how to do anything else? Yeah. Like, do you know how to bag fucking groceries? Do you know how to stick your head out a drive-thru window? I mean, you got anything else, my guy?
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Some lucky comedian. In fact, the worst, I mean, the luckiest comedian.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Do you really have a girlfriend? Your opening joke was about your girlfriend's dead dad or something.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Yeah. That's the right word? No, that's when an earthquake happens to you. What's the word for... Pla.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Like gambling, wild women in the parking lot. What else is going on there, relish master? You play poker, you play tonic.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Wow. How fun, huh? And what's great is that's his last performance ever. Yeah. It's gonna be Kill Phil. Yeah. Does that hurt your feelings that someone wouldn't watch you because of you?
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Okay. All right. Barney Rubble tripping downstairs. Thank you. Yeah. How about that? I don't use a vibrator, but thank you.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Can I ask you a question right out of the gate? Those noises you heard through the wall, can you do those one more time? All right. Ah! Ah! Yeah, they weren't fucking there playing women's tennis.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
You can make it go even further if you wear golf shoes, buddy. Okay. What the fuck that's gonna do? They got the spikes in them, my guy. Yeah, you can really get into the... You can flower from standing on the wall, yeah.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Yeah, it goes. Hell yeah. I don't want to be too nosy, but if you ever come...
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Hey, you be nice to Russell Brown. Relax. Who the fuck is that, man? What does he sound like when he comes?
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Can I ask? You don't have to tell me what it is, but is it dramatic acting or comedy acting? Oh, no, I'm playing a retard, but... Well, you don't really have to act to do that. Got it.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
You got it. If you weren't a retard, you would have got it quicker. No, I had to think about it, but fuck you. Think about that next time you come.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
I'll be there to hold you, son. I love it. I'm just acting. I'm just acting. You're doing a great job.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
You like acting? It's cool. I fuck with the hell, yeah. Did you think you would, you know, when you started your journey, you'd go into acting, or is that something that came way out of nowhere for you?
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
I'm going to give you some advice here, because like you said, you didn't see it coming.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Just jump in and take it, man. Don't be afraid. Just, like, go for it. Just like you do out here. Just go for it, man. You're going to be good. Appreciate you. Absolutely. Thank you.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
There's been a lot of that tonight. Like about five of our actors, when somebody died.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Did you notice when she said... I'm sorry, you said... By the way, I'm so sorry, but you said your grandmother died or your father? All of them. Mom, husband, grandma. There was one guy in the back when you said they died. Some guy in the back just went, whoa, like he cheered.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
You like to have fun? Okay. I love it. I was just asking. Back to you, guy. Thank you. What do you do for work, Liv?
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
I was just wondering if diabetic kids attack your candy floss at the carnival. Just like nine kids start chewing your hair.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Can I smell it? Sure, if you'd like. I'd love to have a snort. Oh, wow. It's chloroform. Oh, wow. Smells like Cam's bedroom.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
And he's the new death in an elevator line. What does that mean? It's a Prince joke.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
How are you, buddy? I'd love to throw a hamburger patty on your glasses. Alex Tarshun. Thank God he walked out, that horrible Prince joke idea. Yeah, that was crazy.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
You know Prince died in an elevator, right? Uh-uh. He had an elevator in his mansion. They found him dead in his elevator.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
No, that was Whitney Houston, dude. He's thinking of the guy from Friends. Prince died in his elevator. What? Just ask him. He knows. It's okay.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
How about we start with some speech therapy classes? How about that?
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Oh, lady boys? Yeah. You want to be with a lady boy? You want to get that lady boy gold. Whoa.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Are both your parents black? Because you're sort of like a little fair-skinned.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Wow. How do you prank the suicide hotline? Yeah, what exactly did you do? Don't jump, don't jump.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Can you do that? Can you, like, do a joke and then just plug in the same punchline from another gag?
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Dude, I'm about to kill myself right now. Let's move this along.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
I want to ask you, bro, are you taking a night class in cunnilingus? Because your tongue was going, like, all over the place. You were like licking the air, my guy. You are very lizard-y.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
You know if you say Beetlejuice three times, it disappears. So what was the name of your show?
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
But how do you feel about the way it matches? You must feel like a million bucks right now.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
You bought him those shoes, Tony? Yeah. That was really nice of you, man. Yeah. Those are nice shoes. Hey. Would it be inappropriate, because I'm just, how much they cost, can I ask, or is that inappropriate? How much does a rack of them cost?
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Because of him. Why? No, I don't. I'm ambivalent. I love it. That's a big word, guy. I know. Relax. That's not a guy. Oh, sorry. Sorry, it.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
You seem a little, like, no offense, but you don't have the biggest build I've ever seen for a rugby player.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Go ahead and jump, huh, player? Yeah, yeah. Wow, dude. Yeah, absolutely very impressive. Can you do that again, bro, in slow motion? Yeah.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Does he ever watch basketball and yell the same shit at the white people?
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
I love it when a comedy routine transitions so seamlessly into a court case. Yeah, exactly. You were 12 and there's a giant hard black dick in front of you all of a sudden? You need to put yourself behind bars, bro.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
You ever sit around with the family and watch Wheel of Fortune with the hoods on?
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
He's in for a ride. Yeah. Jeez Louise. Isn't it every girl's dream to do this? And you're like, you just sound like you don't seem enthused.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Whoa, look at that. I'll take that. Damn. I'll take that. I love Evel Knievel. Oh, my goodness. Just call me Eve.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Why do you feel like you're afraid to talk about it or something? Yeah.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Okay, okay. Uh-uh, we don't say dumber, we say... Hey, I'm trying to... There you go, yeah.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
It's Monday, you know. Who hates Mondays? Got to celebrate. Dude, I would love it. I would pay $3,000 if a dragonfly flew right by you right now. Yeah. Yeah. You need it, you need it. Oh, I love it, dude.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Can I ask, this is kind of an intimate question, do you mind if Daddy digs a little deep? Absolutely. If you were getting deep, Daddy wants to get deep. Dig, Daddy, dig. So, you're doing the teenager thing, and sometimes when you're a teen, you don't have a place you can do the deed. Not to get too... But did you do it in a car or something? Like, did you have fun in a car? Good question.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
It was always dark? It was dark. Okay, were the parents in the house when you were doing it?
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Yeah, you got it when the parents were there. Did you ever do it at your house or was it always at his house?
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Every joke hit. Yeah. Like, every single joke, you got a big laugh, so way to go, bud. Thank you.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
We almost had a big good ending, but we got to chop down another minute now. Incredible.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Hey, I'm Evel Knievel. I do what I want. I said, have you ever seen a Sasquatch?
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Yes, he was doing good. I love that there's leaves all over your shorts. If you ever need to wipe your ass, you can just sit down.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
The other gay meat. I mean, come on, flamingos. They're pink. What do they even sound like? Quack, quack.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
I'd love to go with you to your biopsy, my guy. Okay. Oh, what a treat.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
No, I'll be there, guy. I'll be there. Okay, thank you. I'll go with you, my guy. Yeah.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
That looks a lot like Evel Knievel to me. That is. That's Evel Knievel.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
You know what I find amazing? I think he might be the main plot from Uncle Lazer's last story.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
And in particular, getting molested. Yeah. It's like, where did the molestation happen, my guy?
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Well, that's right, man. You shouldn't be stealing a dog's shoes.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Ten years coming up right now. Good God almighty. This is a wild night tonight.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
No? Okay. What do you mean? Yes. It's only $3,000 a month? Yes. Oh, my God. How much is your rent?
The Severance Podcast with Ben Stiller & Adam Scott
S2E8: Sweet Vitriol (with Patricia Arquette and Jimmy Kimmel)
Like five minutes after I leave.
The Severance Podcast with Ben Stiller & Adam Scott
S2E8: Sweet Vitriol (with Patricia Arquette and Jimmy Kimmel)
Mine! My designs! Circuit blueprint, base code, overtime contingency, Glasgow block, all of it!
The Severance Podcast with Ben Stiller & Adam Scott
S2E8: Sweet Vitriol (with Patricia Arquette and Jimmy Kimmel)
Yeah.
The Severance Podcast with Ben Stiller & Adam Scott
S2E8: Sweet Vitriol (with Patricia Arquette and Jimmy Kimmel)
Everyone, we're taking a break. Taking a break. We'll be right back.
The Severance Podcast with Ben Stiller & Adam Scott
S2E8: Sweet Vitriol (with Patricia Arquette and Jimmy Kimmel)
That's cool.