Uncle Lazer
Appearances
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
All right, bitch, relax. You hear who I'm talking about? Listen, Kanye West said, if you fucking a fat bitch, it means you a broke bitch, okay? Y'all might as well call me Section 8 Housing, all right? Because I love a thick bitch. Where my thick bitches at? I can hear your mouth breathing. Calm down. I can hear your mouth breathing. I like a bitch built like a nose tackle, like a worn sap.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
They said, where y'all meet? I said, in the fucking agap, of course. That's where we met, right? I once met a thick Mexican bitch at a quinceana the other day. It's a Mexican birthday party, okay? She was sitting there looking like Nacho Libre. I said, hello, how you doing, darling? She was breastfeeding a seven-year-old.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
which I thought that was a little olden age to be doing all that, but la familia, you know, whatever. But she had that second titty out just blowing around in a breeze. I said, now who's that for? I went in there and got me a little suckle. That shit tasted like horchata. I love her very much. My name's Uncle Lazer. Y'all been great. Wow.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
I was in the back going, no, bitch, no! Not in front of them! Yep. But listen, you get them bottomless mimosas at the fucking drag brunch, and you get them boys dressed up like girls up there dancing Lady Gaga's I Was Born This Way, and I'm like, were you really? And I'm just like, what's happening?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
With that being said, if anybody's got a grandma, so you have to show in the bathroom.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
I did, I just want to say one thing. Santa Fe, New Mexico. No, uh-uh, fuck you, uh-uh. Went down there for a ski trip, had $1,500 worth of Uncle Laser merch, and them fucking homeless fucking tore the camper off the back of my truck to hold my goddamn merch.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
I woke up the next morning, and I'm like, I'm fine in this shit, because they stole my snowboarding gear and shit, too. And I went down there to an encampment, and Pauly sure was down there teaching them magic tricks. I'm pretty sure he's building a fucking army. We need to watch out for him, you know? Hey, it's fucking, I hate them fucking homeless. I wish we could hunt them like deer.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
I mean, it's a tax system. It's ethical. You get two homeless and one bicyclist each year. I mean, I don't even run red lights. I just throw fucking batteries at them. I fucking hate them.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Actually, nine volts. Fuck them. We'll hit them. Heavy duty. Yeah. Heavy duty.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Oh, shit. Yeah, no, we're hanging out. I thought I had cancer the other day. Uh-huh. Colon cancer. It runs in my family, but, like, my shits kept coming out, like, crooked, right? Like... And they have like a little groove in them. And I was like, like everybody got like, when you go to McDonald's, you get like the McFlurry and they do the, and it makes that little spin motion.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
They coming out like that. And I was like, it turned, I finally, it was, I've been doing the coffee edemas. Where you. Okay. One of them coffee beans got lodged in that motherfucker. It wouldn't break loose. Wow. Absolutely.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
She's a physical orthopedic... She's got a medical degree. I don't quite know what she does.