Steve Carell
Appearances
Office Ladies
Peacock Superfan Episode: Hot Girl
Toby's divorced. God, that's hard. That really ripped you up. She got the kids, right? That'll damage you. Sorry, man. That's a rather bad one. How much are you paying her? You can't even afford anything now, right? You're all right, though, right? Don't ask me for a raise. Oh, a cup of soup's a good idea, though. That'll... That's a good budgetary thing to do. Well, they're good snacks.
Office Ladies
Peacock Superfan Episode: Hot Girl
They're good food. Good meals. Good lunch. Ramen noodles are good, too. You still sleeping in the car? No. Because he slept in the car a couple times. Are you still taking the antidepressants? This is a good idea. I said it'll help. It'll help, man.
Office Ladies
Peacock Superfan Episode: Hot Girl
I'll see you in a bit. She's pretty cute, isn't she? See you in a bit.
Office Ladies
Peacock Superfan Episode: Hot Girl
Why do women find Michael Scott attractive? Why do women appeal to Michael Scott? I guess because I'm an authority figure, because I have a lot of power. Women are attracted to that. That's appealing to women. I think I'm a little bit of a bad boy. They're a little mystery to me. I don't just lay it all out there. You know, you have to hold something back. I don't think I'm too shabby to look at.
Office Ladies
Peacock Superfan Episode: Hot Girl
I wouldn't kick me out of bed for eating crackers. But I think my comedy really is the topper. That's the way to get in, you know? I think that's really what... What's the saying? Once they're laughing, that's 50% of them being horizontal. So not that I'm just, not that that's my, that's what I'm trying to do, but I think it helps. It kind of melts the ice. Breaks the ice.
Office Ladies
Peacock Superfan Episode: Hot Girl
I should never have let the temp touch this thing. I had all these great icons, and now I have four folders. So it's actually better this way. No, it's not because I could just click on the icon and then I'm on to something.
Office Ladies
Peacock Superfan Episode: Hot Girl
I think in order to be a ladies' man... It's imperative that people don't know you're a ladies' man. So I kind of play that close to the chest.
Office Ladies
Peacock Superfan Episode: Hot Girl
I mean, it's not like I'm showing off. Ryan, what did you do to my computer? I'm supposed to have maps, right? But, uh... Where? They see me as a big, powerful businessman here. Kind of swaggers around a little bit. It's really not even fair. I don't know. What can I say? Women are attracted to power. And I think other people have told me I have a very symmetrical face. I don't know. I don't know.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carell & Samantha Bee
You're listening to an iHeart Podcast. Our next health story should be of particular interest to our teen viewers who suffer from crippling glaucoma. For centuries, marijuana has been used as a self-prescribed remedy for the terminal disease known as being alive.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carell & Samantha Bee
Undaunted by the naysayers, Jim's been feverishly hoarding Pez. 3,000 Pez dispensers. You must be very proud. Well, I'm very proud of my collection. I love showing it off. Troy Newman is also preparing for Y2K.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carell & Samantha Bee
Although he has inexplicably decided to store food and water. What would you make of a person who cracked open the head of a small creature and ate food from the gaping hole in its larynx? Ultimately, whether or not you agree with Jim, you must give his accomplishments the respect they deserve. Jim, you own over 3,000 Pez dispensers.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carell & Samantha Bee
You've organized the Pezathon, gathering Pez heads from all over the world. Which of the following best describes you? Doofus or Dorkwad?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carell & Samantha Bee
Dweebwad. Dorky eccentric? Dweeby nutcase? Kooky dweeby? Dweeby dorkhead? I think I've had enough.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carell & Samantha Bee
The medical marijuana initiatives in California and New Mexico were approved by the voters solely to help seriously ill patients for whom marijuana offers the only relief from pain. Who could deny an 80-year-old woman a moment of respite from her tortured existence? But I suppose there are a few sick individuals out there who get off on other people's suffering, Steven.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carell & Samantha Bee
This marijuana is medicine, Steven. I'm pro-people, not pro-pot. Oh, come on, Steve.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carell & Samantha Bee
Steven, just because I support medical marijuana, it's ludicrous to imply that I'm a dope fiend. That's like saying because I support the repeal of the marriage tax penalty that I'm into wife swapping.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carell & Samantha Bee
Let's get back to my wife swapping metaphor. Fine, let's. What you're suggesting about my access to sweet Malaysian skunk weed is just as ridiculous as if I said, hey, Stephen Colbert, why don't you and your wife come over some night this week and we can exchange partners?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carell & Samantha Bee
But last week, the Supreme Court heard arguments as to whether state initiatives permitting the drug to be used medicinally violate federal law. It's a case that figures to settle once and for all the legality of medical marijuana and thereby affect the lives of no fewer than .0001% of American marijuana smokers.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carell & Samantha Bee
You're not listening, Steven.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carell & Samantha Bee
John, the last time on Slimming Down with Steve, I chose a personal trainer. But as you know, exercise alone just won't cut it. Today, we're going to focus on nutrition. Join me as I visit a top New York City nutritionist. My name is Steve. Before a nutritionist like Maryam Papo can offer advice, she has to learn about the eating habits of her patient.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carell & Samantha Bee
WD-40. Usually peanut oil.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carell & Samantha Bee
Just the skin. What am I doing wrong? It didn't take long for Miriam to observe that I needed more vegetables in my diet. So she offered to make me a healthy meal.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carell & Samantha Bee
Green things. The supermarket was gonna be a lot of fun. This is beef tongue. If you were to eat this, wouldn't your food essentially be tasting you? We did have fun, but now it was off to the kitchen to make pasta primavera, which in Italian means no meat for Steve. That looks good. Yeah. What makes pasta primavera such a healthy dish?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carell & Samantha Bee
Bam! Right? Like that chef.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carell & Samantha Bee
Finally, it was time to indulge.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carell & Samantha Bee
Let's say grace first.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carell & Samantha Bee
Well, it's been tough, John, because I've had to find ways to incorporate vegetables into my nutritional regime.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carell & Samantha Bee
The federal government maintains, however, that marijuana, or as it's known on the street, funny pot cigarettes, is illegal, period, and has severely criticized prescribing the drug to those freewheeling, long-haired, hippie AIDS and cancer patients just trying to score a free high off Uncle Sam. Those people are sick. Seriously, they're sick and they need help.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carell & Samantha Bee
John, you do what you need to lose weight, and I'll do what I need to do, okay? Now, take a look at this. You'll notice it says all vegetable. Right. Couple of scoops of this, I get all the vegetables I need.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carell & Samantha Bee
It's every reporter's dream to spend a day on the campaign trail with a front-running candidate, and that's exactly the opportunity we were afforded this day in New Hampshire on John McCain's Straight Talk Express. However, Dan Rather and the Six Minutes crew were already on board, so we had to go on the overflow bus. Great.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carell & Samantha Bee
The Overflow Bus, repository for outcasts, misfits, and journalistic bottom feeders. Bet they've got an omelet bar or something up there. You think Rather's up there talking policy with them? No, they're up there playing pinball, singing karaoke. Rather doesn't have to be on the Overflow Bus. Oh, I'm 60 minutes too. Be lucky if we even see him today. Don't throw it back. You just ate half of it.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carell & Samantha Bee
Throw it back. You know, we were asked to come. Like, oh, yeah, well, you're that bus. Shut up back there. Stick it up your ass. The situation was intolerable. Something had to be done.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carell & Samantha Bee
Well, let's cut to the chase.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carell & Samantha Bee
Covering the story at arm's length was getting me nowhere, and then it hit me. The best way to get to a presidential candidate's bus is through his wife. This is your driver here. This is our driver.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carell & Samantha Bee
Now, this is a well-appointed driver.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carell & Samantha Bee
I'd like you to take a look at the driver we have. Great. Thanks very much, Ron. You see what I mean? Okay, now step aboard. Here we go into our secondary bus. Take a whiff. Yeah, take a whiff of that. One whiff of the overflow bus and Mrs. McCain was on my side. Stick with me, I'll get you on. Really?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carell & Samantha Bee
Really? Not only was I finally on the bus, but I was going to get the chance to talk to Senator John McCain.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carell & Samantha Bee
What does that mean? Senator, how do you reconcile the fact that you were one of the most vocal critics of pork barrel politics, and yet, while you were chairman of the Commerce Committee, that committee set a record for unauthorized appropriations? I'm just kidding. No, I don't even know what that means. Oh, they all laughed at my little question, but two things were abundantly clear.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carell & Samantha Bee
Robert McGinnis of the Family Research Council has come out strongly against medical marijuana.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carell & Samantha Bee
Okay, all right, okay. It was the wrong question to ask and I was going to be walking.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carell & Samantha Bee
Well, I was trying to explore the sights, the sounds, the smells of a political campaign.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carell & Samantha Bee
She is intelligent, beautiful, wonderful.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carell & Samantha Bee
Trying to survive in this fast-paced world is hard enough, but on the eve of the Y2K computer meltdown, people everywhere are nearing mass hysteria. But one man in Los Angeles thinks he has the answer.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carell & Samantha Bee
Jim Presnell has dedicated his life to solving the problems presented by Y2K.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carell & Samantha Bee
That's right, PEZ. In an uncertain post-Y2K world, Jim's convinced that dollars will be replaced by PEZ dispensers as the national currency.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carell & Samantha Bee
Robert McGinnis. Speaking out strongly and poorly against miracle marijuana. Medical marijuana. Which is a miracle. Now, the upcoming Supreme Court debate could even be a hotter button issue than Americans not sleeping enough. That's why it's the subject of tonight's Even Steven. You've just made me vomit in my own mouth.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carell & Samantha Bee
Jim's theory begs one obvious question. Do you think that you're an idiot? No. We road tested Jim's prediction at this LA pawn shop. Could you give me a rough estimate what this would go for on the open market?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
GOP Wants Greenland Now, Fires Rage in LA, NYC Rages at Congestion Toll
I wonder if I could just make. Here on Palisades Drive, if anybody has a car and they leave their car, leave the keys in the car. So a guy like me can move your cars and get them up there so that... So that these fire trucks can get up there. It's really, really important. Thank you for talking to us live, sir. What's your name? My name is Steve Guttenberg.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | 4/20
What's the weather like up your own ass? Tonight's topic, should medical marijuana be legalized? Yes. No. Yes! Yes!
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | 4/20
Far out, Steve. Groovy point, man. You're blowing my mind. Face it. You and your Dr. Dopes are just hiding behind Grandma's oxygen tent. The real reason you're pushing pro-pot legislation is so you can suck on a tie stick and watch the walls begin to pulse and breathe.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | 4/20
And now that you've duped a few misguided state legislatures, I'm sure we can all look forward to you coming down with a convenient case of glaucoma real soon.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | 4/20
You love ganja and the exhilarating rush of freedom and the heightened textural sensations it gives you. Whereas I wouldn't know where to start looking for a dime bag, I'm sure you've got great connections. So let me in on the dirty little secret, Steve. Where do you get your pot?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | 4/20
Don't change the subject, Steve. You know exactly where I can get my hands on some really deep chronic, don't you? Let's get back to my wife-swapping metaphor.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | 4/20
Would that idea appeal to you? I don't know, Steve. Would we be high? I don't know. Would you bring the dope? Steve, you're not listening to my argument. My argument is that if, for instance, I tried to buy pot, I couldn't get any, but I think you could get me some.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | 4/20
Clear as crystal, Steve, but let me see if I can just recap your really twisted argument. You're saying that if we were to enter into some bizarre love quadrangle, you'd be supplying the weed. Yes. Okay, that sounds perfect. Great. I'm Stephen Colbert.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | 4/20
Even Stephen. Should we bring anything? Yeah, a bottle of wine would be nice.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Oscars
Well, there are so many, but I'd say one picture I'll never get out of my mind was that of the Macedonian tank columns rolling into Tedavo. devouring everything beneath their ravenous steel treads and reducing this once great civilization to a nightmarish hellscape of unspeakable anguish.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Oscars
Are you kidding? We're going to miss it for the world. When Julia won, I was crying. I mean, I started crying because of an atrocity I saw perpetrated on a busload of refugees, but I saved a few tears for Julia. She earned them.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Oscars
I sure will. Oh, do me a favor. Will you tell my wife that I love her, you know, just in case?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The War on Climate Change
At what point a level of CO2 does CO2 become damaging? At what level does it become harmful to human beings?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Jon Stewart on Immigration Over the Years
Not our problem! If Obama likes them so much, let him stay at the White House!
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | New Year's Resolutions with Steve Carell and Trevor Noah
John, the last time on Slimming Down with Steve, I chose a personal trainer. But as you know, exercise alone just won't cut it. Today we're going to focus on nutrition. Join me as I visit a top New York City nutritionist. My name is Steve.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | New Year's Resolutions with Steve Carell and Trevor Noah
Before a nutritionist like Miriam Papo can offer advice, she has to learn about the eating habits of her patient.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | New Year's Resolutions with Steve Carell and Trevor Noah
Buttermilk.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | New Year's Resolutions with Steve Carell and Trevor Noah
WD-40. Usually peanut oil.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | New Year's Resolutions with Steve Carell and Trevor Noah
Just the skin. What am I doing wrong? It didn't take long for Miriam to observe that I needed more vegetables in my diet. So she offered to make me a healthy meal.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | New Year's Resolutions with Steve Carell and Trevor Noah
Green things. The supermarket was going to be a lot of fun. This is beef tongue. If you were to eat this, wouldn't your food essentially be tasting you? We did have fun, but now it was off to the kitchen to make pasta primavera, which in Italian means no meat for Steve. That looks good. Yeah. What makes pasta primavera such a healthy dish?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | New Year's Resolutions with Steve Carell and Trevor Noah
Bam! Right? Like that chef.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | New Year's Resolutions with Steve Carell and Trevor Noah
Finally, it was time to indulge.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | New Year's Resolutions with Steve Carell and Trevor Noah
Let's say Grace first.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | New Year's Resolutions with Steve Carell and Trevor Noah
Well, it's been tough, John, because I've had to find ways to incorporate vegetables into my nutritional regime.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | New Year's Resolutions with Steve Carell and Trevor Noah
John, you do what you need to lose weight. I'll do what I need to do, okay? Now, take a look at this. You'll notice it says all vegetable. Right. Couple of scoops of this, I get all the vegetables I need.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | New Year's Resolutions with Steve Carell and Trevor Noah
Mm.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | New Year's Resolutions with Steve Carell and Trevor Noah
I've been trying to slim down through diet and exercise, but I still feel like 190 pounds of crap in a 175-pound bag. It's time for some desperate measures. I decided to slim down the old-fashioned way, the surgical way. So I met with New York plastic surgeon Dr. James Reardon. How much weight can I lose in a liposuction procedure?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | New Year's Resolutions with Steve Carell and Trevor Noah
You can remove four or five of those from my ass.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | New Year's Resolutions with Steve Carell and Trevor Noah
I am a fat, ugly person. Do you think I would be a good candidate for liposuction?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | New Year's Resolutions with Steve Carell and Trevor Noah
anyway i was there for liposuction a surgical procedure usually reserved for older men with titties and what could be more natural than sucking fat out with a stainless steel tube i'm sure a lot of people have concerns about entering into this sort of procedure that's the reason we see the patients usually twice in consultation beforehand if they need some sedation and feel they need it we will give them some sedation the night before
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | New Year's Resolutions with Steve Carell and Trevor Noah
I was beginning to think that Dr. Reardon was a bit too conservative for my taste. I needed a surgeon with a tan. A tan you can trust.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | New Year's Resolutions with Steve Carell and Trevor Noah
Dr. Gold recommended we focus on my surgery. And besides, my D-cups didn't need enlarging anyway. This is a recent photograph of me. What are my problem areas? When he regained his ability to speak, Dr. Gold weighed my options. It all seemed almost too good to be true. But there was a downside.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | New Year's Resolutions with Steve Carell and Trevor Noah
Well, both are excellent surgeons, but a little bit pricey. Now, if you're like me and your show won't pay for the procedure, you will have to look for alternatives.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | New Year's Resolutions with Steve Carell and Trevor Noah
My mom has an excellent podiatrist, and he watched the procedure on the Learning Channel, thought he was comfortable enough with it, and thought he'd give it a whirl. and just look at the results i couldn't be happier check this out oh my god i know i look at me i feel so thin oh god oh my i gotta just sit down for a couple we'll be we'll be right back after this medic
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
Okay, great, fine. Gang up on Steve Day. We'll do stem cell research. I don't know what it is. I am for it. Why? You read the article, you tell me.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
Now, are you following me here or are you some kind of mindless zealot? You know, there is one way of settling this. Crusade. All right, there are two ways of settling this. The one that I was thinking of, a pray-off. You pray to your God, and I will pray to mine, and we will see which one of us gets smited. Great, let's do it. Is your God ready? My God was born ready.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
Yes, that is exactly why, Steven. Because unlike someone I could name, I am not a big fan of people dying. So I say stem cell, stem cell? Stem cell. Stem cell research, yes. Neurological disorders, no. Steven?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
Okay, here we go.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
I can't wait. Watch this, John. It's going to really blow us all away. Go ahead.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
Please, Steve, and that is such a load of disturbing information that if you think about it and let it sink in, you will realize that I am against stem cell research, and I dare you to try to poke a hole in my ironclad argument. Bon chance, bon vivant, bon appetit. Well, Steve, in fact...
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
Come on.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
It's a personal subject, Steve. All I'm saying is that you're not alone in feeling torn about this, okay? You can come down on either side of the subject, and I suppose that ultimately there is no one and no way to objectively find out who is right and who is wrong. Dutch prostitutes. Yes! No! We are out of time. I'm Stephen Colbert. I'm Steve Carell. And this has been Even Steven.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
You've just made me vomit in my own mouth. What's the weather like up your own ass? Should the United States government be more forthcoming to the media on the war in Afghanistan? Yes. No.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
Ari Fleischer and the White House are causing a communication breakdown of Led Zeppelin-ish proportions. Watch this!
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
He's stonewalling, but I'm not surprised. You don't care about the freedom of the press. You've long used our Constitution as a bumwipe. Steve, let's not have this disintegrate into yet another series of personal attacks. Okay, fatty? Fair enough.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
The only reason you and the other bloodsuckers in the press ask questions that you know Ari Fleischer can't answer is to rattle his cage and get him accidentally saying something that could threaten national security. Well, if government officials don't give me the answers I need, I'm going to have to get them myself, develop my own sources, check facts, write things down. I am a journalist.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
That's not my job. There are people out there whose job it is to do my job, and I'm not one of them. Is that so hard to understand? Steve, you need to understand that there are times that the best thing the government can do is to say nothing. Secrets aren't always bad. I mean, there are things I don't tell you. Oh, you tell me everything. No, I don't. Like what? I can't tell you.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
Well, does it involve you or me? Yes. Who? Me or you? Steve, we've exhausted this topic. Now, are there any other questions? Uh, you. Yes. Steve Carell, Daily Show. What are you talking about? What's the secret? Steve, all I can tell you is that it is terrible, it is horrible, it is imminent, and it only involves you. And I can't tell you what it is. You're kidding. Yes. Not really.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
Or not so much born as begotten, not made, one being with the Father ready. All right, on your mark, get set, pray. Done! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm done, I'm done too. And I appear to be unsmoted.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
Steve, the point is, in situations like this, the facts are just going to terrify the public. And if that's all the press can do, why don't we just make up our stories? Watch. This just in, evil clown with hook for hands spotted in woods behind cabin 14 at Camp Winnisaki. He's in the house now, get out.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
See, not a single fact, but some poor sap living at 13 Sad Bastard Lane in Rube Town, USA is hanging on my every word. Steve, you- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it was just on. It was just on, the clown with the hook. Yeah, I just saw it, they just did a report. Well, I don't know. He's in the house. You have to get out of the house. Honey, shush! They said he was behind cabin 14.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
Are we close to that? Steve, I was just giving an example. Come on! I'm dealing with a clown problem here, okay? Get in the game, Colbert. I'm Stephen Colbert. I'm Steve Carell. And this has been Even Stephen. God, what is happening to our country?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
You've just made me vomit in my own mouth. What's the weather like up your own ass? Tonight's topic, should the U.S. sponsor peace talks in the Middle East? Yes. No. Yes! Yes! Steven, with great power comes great responsibility. As the warm, moist womb of liberty, the United States cannot shirk its duty to bring these two sides to the table, or some other suitable piece of furniture.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
Steve, that's a stupid thing to say, and you're a stupid person for saying it. It's not the U.S. 's job to be the world's policeman. The world's fireman, maybe. Policeman, fireman, I think we can both agree we'd have a big, bushy mustache. The Israelis are our democratic allies, the sole democracy in the region. We must support them. Well, I'm not surprised that you would want to untangle the U.S.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
in that quagmire, Mr. Steven Corellenbergo-Wittstein-ish-skiberg. I don't follow. Yes, you do. The teachings of Moses. I'm not Jewish. You're not? No, I'm Catholic. As am I. Shut up. Seriously, 11 brothers and sisters.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
I don't know.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
Right, seriously. Jews and Muslims. Arabs. Who cares? What do you want to do? I don't know. How about lightning round? Lightning round. Lightning round! Invading Iraq, now or next year? Now. Next year! 2004 Democrats, Gore or Kerry? Gore. Kerry.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
Link or Patty? Link. Patty! Did the Argentinian government's tying the value of the peso to the dollar lead to the current economic crisis in Buenos Aires?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
The pedophilia scandal in the Catholic Church. I don't see why we need to talk about that. No, the church is going to work it out.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
Wow. 11 brothers and sisters. Yeah, Jimmy, Eddie, Mary, Mother, Mother, Father, Father, Father, Father, Mother, Father, Father, Father. Next question, yes or no? Yes. No.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
Does the French election signal the reemergence of fascism in Europe? Oui. Non. Oui! Finally, Steve, should we change the way we talk? Let's face it, this halting newsman cadence is both artificial and robotic. Granted, but I'm afraid we can't just do that, Steve. Like a shark, if we stop, we will die. I'm Stephen Colbert. And I'm Steve Carell. And this has been Even Steven.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
You've just made me vomit in my own mouth. What's the weather like up your own ass? Is the death tax good for America? Yes. No. Yesterday, I was beside myself with joy over last week's vote by the Senate to retain the death tax. It's a big revenue generator that affects only the nation's wealthiest 1%.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
It sends a powerful social message that even the children of the very rich must make their own way in the world. But more than that, In the same way that taxes on smoking discourage smoking and taxes on drinking discourage drinking, hopefully this death tax will keep people from dying. It is a filthy habit, and it has to stop.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
But I suppose you and your fat cat friends in Washington won't be happy till everybody's dead. Steve, the death tax is inherently unfair. It taxes the same money twice, once when you earn it and once more after you die. It goes against everything Americans hold dear, money, The point is, it's not the dead who are going to suffer, unless, of course, they've been sinful.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
Interesting. Now, am I going to be doing that after I go to paradise to join my bevy of spotless virgins for all eternity? You know, because I just want to give them a heads up where I'm going for eternity.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
Then they'll burn forever in a lake of fire. It is the living, rather, the children of the insanely wealthy who will suffer by being rendered merely sanely wealthy. But tax away, Comrade Karelovich. A grateful motherland salutes you. Wow, you are taking this so personally, Stephen. You'd think this was a tax on pompous windbags who make me sick, you fat ass.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
Steve, let me give you a hypothetical example of someone who would be directly hurt by your regressive tax. Now, this person is not rich, but this person married someone because her father is, hypothetically. Now, this rich old bastard, whose daughter, by the way, has a face like a Hieronymus Bosch nightmare, was barely functioning when this person married her.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
I'm talking catheters, iron lung, beep! But against all rational expectations, he's hung on for seven years. It's like he's staying alive out of spite. You're saying when that shriveled husk finally kicks, the government should get more than half of what's rightfully the person in my examples? Well, for now, under current law, the tax is scheduled to expire in 2010.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
The person in my example can't wait that long. All the nagging and the carping. I swear the person in my example is just going to lose it. I'm sorry. I just get so upset when I think about the person in my example.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
You know, Steven, sometimes the people in hypothetical examples just die.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
No, no, no. You're not listening to me. Sometimes the people in hypothetical examples just... imaginary nurses can be bribed. Accidents can be postulated to have happened.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
500,000.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
And I'm Steve Carell. And this Even Stephen never happened.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
Exactly.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
You're a total freak.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
Yes! No! Yes! Let's face it, Steven, politics have become a bore. Less than 30% of Americans vote, and most of them are drunk. Or bust in by the Chinese to do their bidding. Steve, stooping to the lowest common denominator isn't the answer.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
Sorry, I faded away there for a second. What were you saying about ? You're just proving my point, Steve. Negative campaigning has denigrated the political process. Look, this is nothing new. Stephen Douglas once referred to Abraham Lincoln as a fussy scoundrel, while Lincoln shot back with accusations of skullduggery. Harsh words. But that's politics as usual. Political figures are fair game.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
Any? Any public figure is fair game? Any public or political figure. Really? You heard it here first. Roll it, Scotty.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
What, what was, what are you, what was that?
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
Which is funny, because I normally don't care for Jews. We don't either. Really? We seem to find them kind of scheming. We're very big on that, too. Really?
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
So I... So I win? Yes.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
Yes! I'm Stephen Colbert. And I'm Steve Car-sel-carell. And this has been Even Steven.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
You just made me vomit in my own mouth. What's the weather like up your own ass? Have the Clinton years been good for America? Yes. No. Yes, in 1992. Our country was in a severe economic recession. Eight years of unprecedented prosperity later, America is richer and stronger than it has ever been. And the man responsible, William Jefferson Clinton. Oh, come off it, Steve.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
You know what? We're not so different after all. I'm Steve Carell. And I'm Stephen Colbert. And this has been Even Stephen.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
Alan Greenspan runs this economy, not Bill Clinton. The only thing Bill Clinton has brought us these last eight years is moral turpitude and national shame. Two words, Stephen. Dow 10,000. Whitewater. Welfare reform. Monica Gate. Eight years of peace. Shut the f*** up.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
I'm just tired, and I'm upset about Clinton. Every time we fight, it's because of Clinton, or the economy, or NAFTA. I don't think the problem is out there. I think the problem is right here, and I think we need to talk about it. We don't have a problem, okay? We're fine, okay? You're fine. You're great. Don't. Don't. Just don't, okay?
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
You know, I've been giving this some thought and, well, maybe we need to commentate with other people for a while.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
I'm going to kill him. You know what? Bob has control of his anger. He doesn't lash out. Stephen, look at me. Look at me. Look at me. You have a problem. And until you can get control of that anger, I just don't think we can be together.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
Maybe ABC's Sam Donaldson is right. You know? Maybe he is. Ah, screw Sam Donaldson. I hate you. I hate you. I'm Steve Carell. I'm Stephen Colbert. And this has been Even Stephen.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
You've just made me vomit in my own mouth. What's the weather like up your own ass? Tonight, are the Republicans out to get Bill Clinton? Yes! No! Yes! Stephen, the Republicans are trying to humiliate Bill Clinton, unless you would have us believe that the right wing is legitimately anti-fiscal responsibility and pro-radiation. Do you think us blind? Blind as masturbating bats with glaucoma.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
What my esteemed colleague on the left fails to realize is neither bill serves this country's interests or enjoys widespread support. You know, Steven, penicillin can cure syphilis before it infects your brain.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
The campaign finance bill was in fact co-sponsored by Republican Senator John McCain, and the nuclear test ban treaty was backed by nearly every major world leader and international scientist. Oh, really? Well then, Steve, you're right. Listen to yourself, Steven. You're up there in your ivory towel. What? You're right. I completely forgot about McCain.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
See, based on that, I can see how you thought that, you know, the Republicans were out to get him. Can you? Yes. Well, very well then. Good. I win.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
Now is the room spinning or is the rapid waffling of the spineless GOP Congress making me dizzy? Maybe you'd vote for murder if you thought it would embarrass the president. Well, I think that's an exaggeration, but I can see how you'd feel that way.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
You're a total freak. Good evening, I'm Stephen Colbert. And I'm Stephen Carell. In the last two months, natural disasters have been ravaging our country. Hurricanes on the coast, tornadoes in the Midwest, and flooding everywhere in between. Billions of dollars of damage paid for by you, the taxpayer. Tonight's topic, weather, good or bad? Bad. Good. Bad.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
I think you're an ass. You don't really mean that. I do, I do. I think you're an ass.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
I'm Stephen Colbert. And I'm Stephen Carell. And this has been Even Stephen.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
You've just made me vomit in my own mouth. What's the weather like up your own ass? Tonight's topic, Islam versus Christianity. Which is right? Islam. Christianity. Islam! There is no god but Allah, and Muhammad is his prophet. Stephen? Steve, this debate is about religion. Let's discuss it rationally. Now, think about it.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
Every time a Floyd or a Gert lifts their skirt and relieves themselves on the East Coast, Uncle Sam feels obliged to crawl underneath the plate-class coffee table and throw $20 bills around. Well, I say show's over, folks. It's time to pull the plug on weather. Balderdash. The federal government should stay out of the natural disaster business.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
Today, they're controlling the weather, and tomorrow, who knows? Federal income tax. I bet you and your friend Stalin would like that. You, sir, are an idiot. And I'll tell you why. It's time for those fat cats down in Washington to get off their keisters and pass legislation outlawing these hurricanes and tornadoes forever. Or maybe you just hate children. No, I hate you.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
If tornadoes are outlawed, then only outlaws will have tornadoes. I'm curious, Steve. What's the weather like up your own ass? Clearly. Clearly, we must close our borders to undesirable foreign weather. All right. All right. You, sir, are a racist. Damn right. And as a racist, I proposed a simple series of giant fans on the Mexican and Canadian borders. Maybe then Johnny would know how to read.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
Well, thank you very much, Steven. You've just made me vomit in my own mouth. If people can't get tornadoes here, then they're just going to go down to Mexico where there's no regulation at all. I say keep tornadoes safe and legal. Bottom line, tornadoes kill people. No. No. No, Steven. Tornadoes don't kill people. Flying debris kills people. Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Puppy dogs and ice cream!
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
I'm Steven. And I'm Steven. And this was... Even Steven.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
You just made me vomit in my own mouth. What's the weather like up your own ass? Thank you. Tonight's topic, Halloween. Nope. Yes. Nope. Every year, the forces of darkness get a foothold in the minds of our children under the deceptive guise of All Hallows' Eve. Well, I say it's time to just say no to pagan rituals that lead our youngsters toward the pit of damnation.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
And anyone who feels otherwise is a minion of the Dark Lord. Steve? Come on, Steven, it's about kids dressing up one night a year, ringing doorbells for treats, and when you don't get what you want, you toilet paper the house, maybe soap some windows, or set a few fires, and then drop a cement-filled pumpkin off the overpass onto the windshields of an oncoming car. Steven, it's about fun.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
It's about frolic. It's about candy. Well, not content with poisoning the minds of our babies, the druidic cabal that runs this Luciferian festival of death evidently also wants to pollute their bodies with refined sugars. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a second, Steven. Surely, as a child, you indulged in the occasional Snickers bar or peanut butter cup?
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
Do you know what we used to do to people who gave out those healthy snacks? Yes. Yes, I do. Flaming bags of excrement were thrown at their houses.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
If you were God, would you manifest your divine glory to a shepherd in a cave in Saudi Arabia in the seventh century? Or as the son of a carpenter in a manger in Judea in the year zero? Come on, use your mind. Steven, what part of there is no God but Allah and Muhammad is his prophet don't you understand? Look, let's assume for the sake of argument that your God is the one true God.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
Well, that must have been very hard.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
You know what? I have some treats here. You could have a little Halloween right here, huh? No, thank you. A couple treats? No. No, thank you. No, they cause cavities, Steve.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
Well, you have a good eye, my friend. This would be a butterfinger.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
Well... They crunch, and then they get all chocolatey on you. Chocolate, yeah. Want a Butterfinger? You know what, you want a Butterfinger? No, I don't, thank you. Ring my doorbell. I don't think so. Ring the doorbell. I don't want to. Go ahead, ding dong. Oh, who could that be? Clump, clump, clump, clump, clump.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
Trick.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
Trick. Trick.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
Oh, Halloween isn't until tomorrow. Bye. Clink. No. I want candy. I'm Steve Carell. I want the candy. And this has been Even Stevens. I want to be a vampire.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
You've just made me vomit in my own mouth. What's the weather like up your own ass? Tonight's subject, is it time for a patient's bill of rights? Yes. No. Yes! The patient's bill of rights would guarantee consumers the right to sue their HMOs if they fail to provide critical care.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
This will finally shift the balance of power away from large bureaucratic soulless institutions and give it to law firms. That's good. And anyone who feels differently is a Nazi. Steven? Well, Steve, if being a Nazi is wrong, I don't want to be right. This legislation is a prescription for a recipe for disaster.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
If bureaucrats at health maintenance organizations are constantly worrying about lawsuits, where will they find the time to play God with our lives? And if they don't play God, who will? God? I don't think so. He's got bigger fish to fry. No one is playing God here, Steven.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
Sure, it might be comforting to a patient dying from an HMO's negligence to think an old man in a white beard is going to dispense justice from on high. But the fact is, we need the earthly justice of lawyers. For there is no divine justice, for there is no God. No God? No God. First of all, HMOs are not the enemy. Second, no God.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
The fool says in his heart there is no God, but in this statement, is there not implied the far grander question? Who is he who put us here that we may even doubt him? Steve, behold the radiant beauty of existence and answer me this. Why is there something instead of nothing? Well, there you go again, Stephen. Not staying on topic.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
That would mean Allah is not the one true God, which we know he is. Don't you see your logic eats itself? First off, it's not my logic, Steve. It's God's logic. As written in the Bible, every word of which is true. And we know every word is true because the Bible says that the Bible is true. And if you remember from earlier in this sentence, every word of the Bible is true.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
You're just afraid to admit that the working people of this country are the ones... Steve, answer the question.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
Big bang.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
Let me just check my notes.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
Yeah, uh, yeah, I guess you're right.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
From the winner's circle, I'm Stephen Colbert. And I'm Steve Carell. And this has been Even Steven.
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TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
You've just made me vomit in my own mouth. What's the weather like up your own ass? Tonight's topic. Dutch prostitutes. Do they deserve governmental protection? Yes. What? Yes! The Netherlands have long been known for its affordable, attractive, and gracious whores. Wait, wait, wait, wait. What are you talking about? Tonight's topic. Dutch prostitutes, yeah! No, no, no! That's not the topic.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Even Stephven with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
The topic is stem cell research. I don't think so. Okay, I'll bite. Why is tonight's topic stem cell research? Because that's what we agreed we were gonna debate. We were gonna debate the big issue on the front of the Sunday New York Times. Exactly, yes, I've got it right here. The big, you get a shot of this? Big article right there, Dutch prostitutes. See that?