Shea Serrano

Hour drive, back and forth. He would be instantly beloved in San Antonio.

But now nobody talks about him. Well, I think that's by design, though. There's nothing he wants less than to be part of a conversation. Right. So he's doing great. Yeah. He came in, won five titles, got the fuck out.

Yeah, he might pop in and coach a little bit. But that's the point that we're making. Who knows? He's like John Wick. hunched over so you don't notice them.

How far do we go with this? I think Jeff Teague is the perfect podcaster. Yeah! I like that one. He's as good as it gets. He's great. We're at the exact right level now. One more and it all falls apart. Don't go anymore. What do you think, sir?

Then you're stuck with the season. I would like to know what's the furthest away from basketball somebody has said something to you and then you win. It reminds me of the 2019 Celtics. Let me think. So we go politics? It could be like, my father passed away, Bill. You know, the 2008 Celtics.

I liked when they did the Hard Knocks series, and you were like, wow, Aaron Rodgers is in this, and then they got to one episode, and he talked about aliens for two minutes. And you're like, oh, that's why he did it, because they told him he could do this. Um...

Jesus. Done deal.

Let's go with... Does San Antonio have one? Danny Trejo. Yeah. They play, like, during Spurs games, a Danny Trejo clip of him being like, hey, let's fucking go. Do they really? Yeah.

Would it cause a civil war in Texas? There would be two million Mexicans outside of the Moody Center. Mad as hell. So it's never happening. Never happening.

Yeah, who knows? It doesn't matter. Look at Shay. No, I'm kidding. He doesn't like this. I like Austin a lot. It's one of the ten best cities in Texas. Easily top ten. No question.

Did you see it? Shane, did you see The Brutalist? No. I did the same thing you did. I saw the runtime and I was like, I don't want it. It's intimidating.

Yeah, that's 40. That's a lot of time. And nobody's riding a horse with a sword? You wouldn't know.

Yeah. I'll watch that one. I'm excited about that. More movies should have that.

Yeah, 2s are tough. I'm nervous, but I feel like You can't go into it expecting it to be bad if it's Michael Mann making Heat. You know what I mean? Right. Go into it expecting it to be good. Don't automatically be like, this fucking sucks. I can watch it and then go, that fucking sucks.

I think he's 84. Yeah, my card was up. Yeah. What about you, Shay? I think I'm going to go with Gladiator 2 also. Really? The first Gladiator is a perfect movie. And you just, I was like, all it needs to be is like 70% of that. And it wasn't 70% of that. I have another 48 hours. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, I was early for guys.

It was like 2018.

Like on the planet? Yeah. I think, I mean, it's her, it's Wimby, and maybe Anthony Edwards in that conversation. But Angel Reese is coming up quick. Like she's playing a smart game. She's playing the personality game. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's very charming, and she knows how to turn it on. But yeah, Caitlyn just has this gravity about her that I think,

puts her right now a little bit above everybody else. It's unreal. What do you think?

26.

He does, yeah. When you watched him on the starting five doc, that was my favorite part of the doc, is like, you didn't learn... Are we supposed to be talking about Caden Clark? Anything about him.

You didn't learn anything about him, and I said, I miss that. I miss that in basketball players when all I know about them is what they do on the basketball court, and that's it. Like, he gives you... Yeah, but that's why he's not more popular than Caitlin Clark. Like, what's the Jason Tatum, like, thing or the commercial or what? Like, he doesn't have that magnetism that she has. Right. You know?

Sure. I care about insurance because of Caitlin Clark. She was, like, in an insurance commercial, and I was like, I should get renter's insurance, I think.

Does it mean he's not tweeting enough?

Yeah, we were talking about Kevin Durant earlier. He's the only player who has improved his image because of social media or making himself available. He's the only guy who knows how to do it. Everybody else is bad at it.

That would have been cool.

Give us a finals pick, a matchup, and a winner. I still think Boston wins. I don't see anybody that's beating them, but they're going to beat OKC in five. Sadly. What do you got, Sean?

All right, I got the first pick. I'm going to pick this guy because automatically my team is going to be better than everybody else's if I have this character. And I don't think he's on anybody else's list anyway, but I'm going to get him. I'm going to pick Elliot Richards from the movie Bedazzled. Anybody familiar with Elliot Richards?

In Bedazzled, Brendan Fraser, Elizabeth Hurley, she plays the devil. He plays a guy who's asking for wishes. At one point, he wishes to be an NBA player. And she's like, poof, you're an NBA player. The hook, every wish he makes, there's like a bad part. With the NBA player, he has a really small penis. So then he's like, nevermind, I don't wanna do this anymore.

But he's an NBA player for one game, and in the game he plays, he has 104 points, 45 rebounds, 32 assists, 37 steals, 28 blocks. He's seven foot six, and he shoots 100% from three. Wow. This is Shaq and Steph Curry mushed together. Nice. Foundational piece. So you're taking him as a center. I'm taking him as a center. Yeah, big men are at a premium in a fictional basketball player draft.

Stretch five, though, but not downstairs.

Shay, is this a sunk cost? Can it be fixed? It can be fixed. And I'm going to tell you how it's going to be fixed. There's a man, a 7'5 man in San Antonio. And he's going to save it. What's going to happen is the same thing that we saw happen with the in-season tournament where LeBron said, hey, guess what? I care about this. And then everybody else went, okay, cool. We care about it too.

So good.

I'm so glad it exists. It's the best basketball we've ever seen in a movie. Because they just set the camera down here and just followed.

So the guy that you want running your team... My GM. His whole team dies... Except for one who's holed up somewhere. He dies. Yeah. And the only rule that he ever says he has immediately breaks the first time it comes into play. That's the guy running your team.

That's going to happen with Wimby.

Yeah.

I've seen videos of the professor on that same court doing that same stuff, just...

Right now, Joker is the guy. And he's like, I don't care about any of this at all. I don't care one single percent. So everybody else falls in line. When Wimby's the guy... He's going to care, and they're all going to care.

Quick study. Shay, you have two picks. I'm on the edge of my seat. I have two picks. All right. You don't know how we're going to defend that backcourt. I'm going to tell you how we're going to defend that backcourt. Number one, we still have Elliot Richards, who's 7'6". But give me Wood Harris from above the rim. Oh, my God. You're going with Wood first?

I want Wood Harris because I want a guy who, if he's going to lose, he's fucking shooting up the court. This is a man who takes winning and losing very seriously. That's how we defend. They go like, we can't beat... No, it's Wayne Martin. Let's lose this game because he's got a fucking Uzi in his Adidas bag. I don't want to deal with that. So you have Wood as a forward? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Small forward. Okay. Yeah. And what do you have for your other pick? I need a point guard, and I need a person who can get the ball around. I need a proven champion. I need somebody with a little bit of bloodlust. Give me Monica Wright from Love and Basketball. That's what I need. I was re-watching it recently. That's a good basketball movie. It is. Right?

But there's a part in it early on where the first time we meet her, she's the little girl version of her. And she walks up to the boys. They're all playing. It's three boys. And she's like, hey, can I play? She's got a hat on. And they're like, oh, yeah, sure. And she takes the hat off. Oh, my God, it's a girl. Whatever. Becomes a whole thing. They're like talking shit about her.

And then immediately, immediately, she fucking starts putting them in the blender. Just bucket after bucket after bucket. And then she's going up for one bucket. Quincy has gotten fed up. He shoves her in the back. She falls down. Her face drags on the floor. She picks it up. It's covered in blood. And then we cut to her in the house cleaning it, and she's fucking smiling. I'm like, hell yeah.

That's a hooper. That's the only person who can play point guard on a team with a guy with an Uzi in his Adidas bag. That's who I need. I'm feeling real good about my team right now.

I got two. Jimmy Chitwood, great pick. Very clutch. There's only been one player ever in fictional basketball who was more clutch than Jimmy. And that's Snake Plissken from Escape from L.A., He's in the full court torture chamber of death. He's got to hit five shots before the 10-second clock goes. Whatever. It ends with him throwing a full court. This is the second one, right? Yeah. Yeah.

Throwing a full court shot. Let me explain what happens.

They have a basketball court with guys with guns all around it. They've captured Snake. They have him in the basketball court. The guy in charge, some whatever bad guy, tells him, hey, you got to score 10 points. I'm going to put 10 seconds on the shot clock. You get the ball at half court. Every time you score, the clock resets itself.

And if you don't score 10 points before the clock resets itself or if you miss a shot, we're going to shoot you and you're going to die. So the first one, he makes a layup, easy, but he bobbles it a little bit so he doesn't get all the way down. So the second shot he has to shoot is like a 15-footer. Now he's got to shoot a three-pointer.

And then his last two shots, he has to shoot from half court, fucking drills it, and then full court with his life on the line with one eye. He's got one eye, and he fucking drills it. It's as clutch as it gets. What'd you think of Kurt Russell's shooting form? He's 100% from the field. I don't care what it looks like. I don't care. Fucking Sean Marion, that bitch up there.

Let that thing go.

Wait, I got one more. Oh, you were up. Sorry. My last pick. I need a wild card. I need a guy who's going to do something nobody else is going to do. Give me David from Prometheus, the android. You fucking stole that from me, man. Yeah, see? There's one scene where he's playing basketball. He's riding a bicycle and shooting. He's shooting three hook shots. On the bike, drilling it.

And you know what the best thing about David is?

You don't have to worry about load management. He's an android.

This is an unbeatable team. Yeah. So, is that a forward or a guard? That's a guard. That's my shooting guard.

That's my five.

Thank you.

We're going 82 and 0.

My man is stressed.

This is D-E-I. Well, I was going to draft David.

I feel somehow emboldened.

That hit all of my interest points at the same time.

A little razor blade.

Trying to counter all the white guys. Shay, you got two. I got two for my sixth man and my deep bench. Sixth man, not a sixth man at all. He's a sixth dog. Give me Air Bud. A champion. The greatest winner in sports movie history. Championship in basketball, he plays volleyball, championship in volleyball. Plays soccer, championship in soccer. Baseball?

That's everything.

Fucking played baseball and won a championship. That kid's a winner.

Billy and Chip, which is like, I love this part. For my deep bent... Wait, are we allowed to pick TV as well, or is it only movies? No, movies. Don't try to cheat. You already took the bedazzled guy. You have a dog on your team, for Christ's sake. I was going to grab Jim from the office because he was a fucking monster. But if I can't have him, then I need a deep bench person.

Give me Spaceman from Sunset Park. Does anybody remember? Yeah. Young Terrence Howard.

Right? Rhea Perlman's coaching this inner city team. They're getting beat real bad in a game. She's yelling at him at halftime. And he plays the crazy kid on the team that nobody talks to. And she's screaming at him. And she's like, is there anybody in here who's not afraid to play this other team? And then they all look at him. And they just go, no, no, no, no, no.

And then it cuts to him diving after loose balls and taking charges. and crashing into people and smiling, and it's just great. It's a great moment. I need a guy coming off the bench, running into people. Give me space, man.

He can't do anything better than the guys on my team. Can't do it. I tell you what, Coach Carter would not have sent Bedazzled home I'll tell you that. I'll tell you that. Sean, what do you got?

When I got to Austin, I went to Kirk's house. I was hanging out with Kirk, and he was trying to convince me to take Derek. He was like, the advanced analytics say you should take the non-Vineyard. He was like, it's worth the risk. It's worth the risk. I don't think it is, Kirk. It's worth the risk. That's what guys were saying to Nico Harrison.

Kirk's showing you his shot chart. His shots are in the shape of a swastika. I couldn't not make that joke.

There you go.

All righty. I need a coach. Yeah, you sure do. And I need a coach who can handle a devil-wish man, a guy with an Uzi, a point guard with bloodlust, an android, and a one-eyed mercenary. Yeah. And there's only one guy we've seen in any movie who could, I think, handle that lineup perfectly. That's Coach Finstock from Teen Wolf. Yeah. He's just sitting on a bench.

One of his players turns into a werewolf. And he looks and he's like, fuck it. Ball up top, baby. That's right. That's who I need coaching my team. So give me him.

For a number of years, I have told everybody that I met that Sean Fennessey is one of the smartest people I've ever met in my life. I've changed my mind right now. It's a horrible idea. It's the worst idea I've ever heard. No bad ideas in a brainstorm.

He was on my board. We're winning a championship. For my owner, I'm going to go the sort of same strategy you went. I need a guy who pulled off the perfect heist. Give me Dalton Russell from Inside Man. That's what I need. Nobody dies. He walks away a hero and very rich. Give me that guy. I want him running my stuff.

It's excellent. It's on the rewatchables list. Affleck reporting to Affleck, I'm back around. Sean Fennessey's the smartest person I've ever met. I'm back, I'm back.

Yeah, I don't know. He's just Wood Harris all the time.

For my GM, I need somebody who's going to outsmart everybody. And because of that, I'm going to pick this person who she pulls off the coolest move in any heist movie that's ever been done. It's a small thing. It's in Set It Off. They break in to rob the bank. They're doing the, you know, everybody put your hands down or whatever.

All the customers get down on the floor, and then the undercover cop starts to pull his gun out, and then there's T.T. was hiding with it. She was pretending like she was a customer because she knew somebody was going to do that. She outsmarted them all. That's who I want running my team. Give me T.T. from Set It Off. She's a fucking genius. T.T. is your GM. Yeah, she's my GM.

And then for my assistant coach, I think Chris was right. You picked the wrong person from Den of Thieves. Give me Donnie. Give me the mastermind. That's who I want. I need a guy just like the GM. I mean, the assistant should be the guy who leans over and is like, you should try this. And then the head coach tries it and it works out.

Like the triangle with Bill Jackson.

It's a great movie that's a bad pick to run your team.

Wow. That's a great pick. He gets buckets.

And then you kind of miss him.

He would have cussed out everybody. It would have been some private meeting in a cafeteria and they all would have been sitting at cafeteria tables and he'd just been like, guys, what the fuck is going on? What are you doing? That's all that would have happened. Do you miss Stern fantasy?

Yeah. You're super spun around tonight, Chris.

not trying to build anything here joe cabot we saw what happened to the last team he had they all shot each other so this could be complicated shay you have the last pick and it's an assistant coach and then i'm going to read everyone on the teams and the crowd can decide all right well you know what i'm a sucker for a magic trick i want a guy around who could do magic give me uh jesse eisenberg's character j daniel atlas from now you see me

High-pressure situation, we're in the playoffs, and he's like, hey, check this out. Ta-da! Some sleight-of-hand magic in the finals. What movie was that? Now You See Me. I don't like the face that you made when I said that. It's a good movie.

Yeah. I think we know who won. I'm like fucking R.C. Buford up here, baby.

Yeah. What was your reaction, Shay? That was the first time I ever felt bad for Dallas Mavericks fans. Like I've laughed at every single horrible thing that has ever happened. When they lost to the Warriors, the We Believe Warriors, number one seed, belly laughed at them. When they had their championship stolen by the Miami Heat in 2006, belly laughed at them.

What do you got to plug, Shay? I'm still co-hosting the big picture. No, I'm doing the basketball podcast Six Trophies with our beloved Jason Concepcion every Wednesday. Still going. And there might be a book coming out at some point, maybe? I hope. I hope somebody will give me some money to write a book, and I don't know.

Yeah. 2011.

Yeah, that's all that it was.

It's like Margin Call. Margin Call. That's what it's going to be. Just a bunch of late night whatever is happening in a whatever. That's all that it is.

If you could direct his next five years, what would it be? I wouldn't mind him spending two years in San Antonio. That would be great. Maybe the two last prime years, right? The last two good years, and then the last three years, they bring the Sonics back. It's time for the league to expand. And then he goes back there. I think that would be really cool.