Sam Tallent
Appearances
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
He makes these hilarious videos where he has like a fucking dick sucking machine and then he'll be at like TSA security. Hold on.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
This is crazy. You like what you like. Red Band, you'd love his stuff. He can't find it. I know.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
I'm guessing very early. I bet it was so early you have no memory of it. But you do have mammaries of it. Ow! We should work together.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Yeah, she's got a man on the street. She's surely got another guy, too.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Your second joke is way ahead of the curve for six weeks. The American Samoan thing. That's a great joke. Thank you. Yeah, yeah. I think if you took a breath right now, exhaled, you did great. Be here now with us.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Well, I think I know some other stuff he might do. Yeah? Yeah, be an extra on Boy Meets World. Boy Meets Aurora. Thank you. Say, hey, Cory, you need to be cool. Hey, Cory, you need to be cool.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
I feel like somehow you're doing a racist impression. That's what I love about him.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
You sound cool as fuck though. Yeah, definitely. You look cool too.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Okay. Nice recovery. Yeah. That's okay. The Godzillas have been mean to your people, so... Let me apologize on behalf of my people. Gomen Nassai. That's how you say sorry. Eeyore.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Your dad owns a body waxing salon? Nail salon. Nail salon? Oh, I thought you said nair salon. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
$18 available everywhere. Books are sold. Here's what Shane Gillis had to say. You'd never expect this abomination of a man to write such beautiful prose. But Sam Talent has done it. Wow, what a book. So if glowing praise like that doesn't sell this thing, please, Random House reissued it. It's available where all books are sold March 25th. And thank you to Kill Tony for being so nice to me.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Oh, my goodness. This is unbelievable. Well, it must be hard to see it, because it's all blurred out. That's Japanese, Sam.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Tony, if I may follow your line of inquest from earlier, would you mind telling us what you think the blackest thing about you is?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
I know. You must be starving, Kansai. But remember, if you really like it, it's not impolite to slurp. Exactly. You know... It's probably hard to eat it with chopsticks.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
It's fucking weird that your grandparents all slept in that bed.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Maybe I could have got a heart if it weren't for those meddling kids. Damn.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
That's what you needed, buddy. That's like giving that last guy a loaded gun.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Well, they call it red face fuck. I'm kidding. I've known Mike forever. He's very funny. Oh.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
I got a fun story about Mike here. Let's do it. Fucking Mike a couple days ago gets in my DMs because I'm also on weight loss medication. And I was talking on my podcast about how my burps are terrible. You get fucking terrible sulfurous burps. Oh, fucking disgusting. It's bad. Well, it's either that or morbid obesity. You know, so...
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Uh, so he, this fucking jerk-off, hits me up, and he's like, oh, man, my fucking girlfriend was sucking my dick the other day, and she said my load tasted like, what was it? Quote, toxic sludge. Oh, God.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Are you a big fan of Nat Charmin? Who that is? Okay. Thank you. Thank you.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
You look like an anti-Semitic puppet, dude. What's going on in your pocket? What's in there, man? I'm playing with my penis, dude.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
If I'm guessing based on the demographics of that subculture, I'm guessing they don't watch this show. Right. Yeah.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Did she know how to tell a story that was funny? Yeah, exactly.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Now, what was the punchline? You calling her a big fat bitch or something?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
I've heard this story a bunch, man. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Wow.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Yeah, and then you're getting all those dust-ups with Aladdin's monkey.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Secrete might have been the most racist word you could have used. Secrete is insane, bro. Yeah. You should have kept that part a secret.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Well, you shouldn't have taken her to a movie. What was she talking about?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Wow. The market price joke was great. That was a great joke. Yeah, thank you.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
They loved it, you were right there. Yep. You got to get your hand off your little fucking hidden cock.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
I was trying to set up the Nat Sherman thing that way too, but no one spiked the volleyball.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
That's not even the darkest story after that fucking Jimmy guy on mushrooms, so... Well...
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
It looks like they issued it to you at Ellis Island. Like, hey, welcome to America. We wear this on this date. And you were like, oh, crazy man. Or however, you know. Like, oh, dude, that's crazy. I do not like Patrick. I don't even know what it's about. What's it about? Well, I'm not wearing green because I'm a masochist. I didn't get it. I like to be pinched. Oh. I still think it. Read a book.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
I have no doubt, Ian. Yeah. You should have seen it, man. It was fucked in there. How did it end up just being the two of you?
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
Whenever I did a cool dance move, you would just restart the track. Yeah. Yeah. It was magic, man.
KILL TONY
#713 - SAM TALLENT + IAN EDWARDS
It's one scared guy and a DJ being like, who will suck who?