Rick Glassman
Appearances
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
I use them as aliases still for certain things.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Sidekick and provider. Uh. Next up. I could picture the phone, but I don't know. Razor? Razor wasn't my first, but that was the first one that I was like... You're flexing. You're doing it. One sec. You know, open it like that. On the bus, just basketball games, just doing this. The no-look flip. I had a pager during 9-11. Just that day? Well, after that, I'm like... That's kind of weird.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
And it was one of those pagers that you got a line of some news. And I went to school late, and the first tower was... I mean, hold on.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
He's not 28. Let me guess. This is a multiple day business. Man, you are Hollywood. Wait, you're going lower? Does it say I'm 28?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
You know what's interesting about what you just did? We're doing a bit.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
You know what's interesting? Should I tell you? Yes, fuck. You know what's interesting what you're doing right now? You're not playing with me. You're being afraid of your bosses, which shows me how garbage they actually are. I'm 40 today. He's 40. Today. Today.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
He would have had to have been fucking three years old. I mean, I would have been born in 97. I would have been, yeah, three or four.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Okay. But anyway, on the pager, we were getting the news. I got there late. The first hour, they didn't know there was any malfeasance. Maybe there was malfeasance. No foul play.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
and uh dollar word and then we got the uh i remember on the thing it was getting like the second tower hit and it was on the pager like that's where we got our news and then i called my dad and then i just remember everyone just like did their own thing and like they left school yeah and now here we are in the greatest city in the world that's right baby new york city
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
You got a little face. The L.A. kid. The L.A. guy.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
With the greatest fire department. What did you know that was it? Something was going on. I didn't like it. There's a lot of praise going on for the L.A. firefighters right now. Of course. Do you think some of the New York firefighters are feeling a little like, well, you know, they're forgetting about us?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
It's over. Do you think that they would have as much respect from the generation that currently does respect them and wants to have sex with them or blow them? I'm sure the LA, yeah, of course. If it weren't for 9-11.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Good. I think so. Because they do a lot. They've done a lot before, and they've done a lot since. Goddamn heroes.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
I haven't met voluntary, but I do think that sometimes you do a play on words and you think it's a pitch. I don't need to make the joke. All right, go ahead. Who's Ching Lung?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
I mean, I was invited. I showed up. They gave me something to wear. What am I going to do?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Like when you said hygiene, you didn't have boots in the shower. When did boots in the shower come? Have you ever said boots in the shower before? I think he meant feet in the shower. No, I meant wearing boots in the shower. Oh, because yesterday I had the security guard. I thought you were just saying you're so fucking filthy that you wear boots in the shower.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Which I say when I'm getting a throat culture. I used to sell cologne and perfume at the mall because that's what my mom did. Family business. I don't like it. I think it's poison. I'm super sensitive to it. I've been with – I mean, it's a humble brag. I've been with women who wear perfume, and sometimes I'll have to ask them as a – Listen, I don't want to tell you what you can and can't do.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
How do you go take a shower, all right? If you're going to wear it, could you at least, instead of spraying it on you, could you just walk through it? I don't like it.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
I don't even believe this. Do a little on the neck. Just walk through it or spray it and wipe your shirt through it.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
I've walked a red carpet, yeah. Sure? It's so hot in here.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Sure. With no heaters. We're off to SIGs. No SIGs. Oh, I thought. Got it. I thought you stopped playing baseball.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Eleanor Roosevelt, right? Who said that? I think it was Chamberlain. Will. Chamberlain Lee.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
I asked my now ex to prom on instant messenger. Yeah? Yeah.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
No, we were dating for six months before I even kissed her.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
You tell me. Cut to the clip. Just him crying.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Were you driving at the time? I think we... I don't remember.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Yeah, we went to an after prom party, which was the after prom was at the high school. Cool. And then after that, we went to a friend's house where everyone slept there. And so we had been dating. Sarah and I had been dating for a little bit. And now we're at after prom together. And this is like the time. And we're sitting in a big chair.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
the living room and someone was sleeping on the couch so it's not that much private but we were there and she fell asleep on me here and I remember I kissed the top of her head and I wasn't sure if that's okay but also I know she liked me and since the top of the head it's fine and that's what I was kind of my first kiss with a girl Look at me now.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Three notable whatever the fuck from my high school.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
We ended up actually kissing and stuff. Okay.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
What's the pepper sitch? I have whole kernels that I grind.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
You have a mortar and pestle? I don't know. It's not one of the ones. No, no. You're not in a restaurant. Sometimes because I prepare my food in the kitchen and then I eat in the living room for my television. And sometimes I have the food on the tray in my living room and I don't want to go all the way in there with a pepper. So I could just get the big one. Hold on.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
If they're a little nicer. So I just always had trays, and there's a woodworking pelican was this guy's name. He's changed it. But he's this guy that works with wood, and I'm forgetting his name, his new business. But he saw me talk about a tray so much, and he made me a beautiful custom, a pair of these custom trays. That's pretty good.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
He also came to my Seattle show, and he brought me these beautiful coasters that he made that look like this, but, you know, real. Those are great coasters.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Does it say Woodworking Pelican? Yeah. Now Pine and Main? Yeah, it's like a maker. Shout out to Pine and Main.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
I got the pool eater under my arm. Sure. Do you guys like to eat in front of the television? Yeah. Yeah, and then you have your tray, and you could make a mess on the tray. Put your sauces, put your drinks, whatever, and then you just bring the tray to the kitchen, throw the stuff in the sink, throw the stuff in the garbage, wipe down the tray.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Now, that's something you saw your mom do when you were a kid. No, no, no. Really?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Yeah, it's like breakfast in bed type stuff. Yeah. I'm not connecting that that's the reason. I think I just like having- Everything in space. I just want it here. Mm-hmm. Also, it's easy to like, this is mine, because if I'm sitting with somebody else, this is my tray, that's your tray. I got to do this.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Salt, I use Milton's, Maldon's. Morton's. Maldon's.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
You're going to throw it away. Gas powered. No, you put it in. It's USB charged. When I turn it, I feel like I'm cooking. Okay. And it doesn't have that much cleanup. It's not a waste of my energy. It's like, you know what? What could I do to personalize this meal? You know what? All right. Might as well have somebody else do it.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Maldon's is great. Sounds like an old comedy club. Who's booking that now? They get mad that a lot of comics aren't wanting to go there anymore because it's too far away.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Yeah, they're just getting a little salty. Send a bus to pick you up from the airport.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Is that where you grind it in the thing? Yes. Like you're making mojitos? Not mojitos.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Are you ordering online? I mean, I have some stuff from Williams-Sonoma.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
You have a croissant. What's it called? La Croisette. Yeah. I don't. I think I do. They're like colored. Bright colors. Those don't matter. I thought you don't see those. I don't. Yeah, I do. Actually, I have one from William Sonoma. The iron. Cast iron. You know. The big pot. The big pot. Not the pot. The like. Saute pan. No, it's something that you could put in the oven. Cheese grater.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
It's about this big. Is it square? Baking sheet.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
I'm one step away from a refrigerator. Picture it like a big square bowl that you can put stuff in. Like a lasagna tray. You could probably make lasagna in it, yeah. I would. You could make cereal in it if you wanted to.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
This guy's playing hardball with the kitchen. I have some nice cooking appliances.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
I have, I guess, technically mismatched, but the least mismatched it could be. I had my silverware that I've been using. And then my mom's like, Uncle Bob has this stuff. Do you want it? I'm like, no, no, no, no. I looked at him like, this is actually, I like the knives. Okay. So I just took the set and I added it to my collection. So I kind of have two sets. I have the good forks.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Check your pager. Yeah, Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob is a client advocate of communications and fixed voice. Will you look up Uncle Bob? I'll do it.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Yeah, he is big in the telecast game right now.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
He's an economic development and client advocate of internet bandwidth and fixed voice communications. Whoa.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
So there's a running joke in the family that I didn't bring up until maybe 10 years ago at a Thanksgiving. I said, Uncle Bob, what do you do? I don't know what Uncle Bob does. And everyone in the family started laughing. And that's when we realized that nobody knows what Uncle Bob does, but nobody's brought it up to him.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
All right? I didn't realize that there was a— Bring in a dog, strike once. Mm-hmm. I didn't realize there was.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
And since then, and I've had him on my podcast numerous times to try to explain what he does for a living. Does well, Uncle Bob? Yeah, he does well. He's big into 2-1-1. 2-1-1. Look up 2-1-1, which did a lot during the L.A. fires. He helped set up 2-1-1. Is that like 3-1-1, like information? It's a little bit less. Okay.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
No, it's new to being public. A lot of people didn't know about it, but during the fire, people, like, you could call 311 if you need help. That's pretty good. And Uncle Bob was involved in that. In some capacity. I don't understand.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
I'm in Cleveland all the time. So they live in Cleveland. No.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
There was a set that was a gift or something.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Strike two. Strike two. Dining room table? Strike one. Do you guys watch the show Beat Bobby Flay? Yes, of course. The judges that come on, they really want to beat Bobby Flay. Mm-hmm. And it's like, I guess. I mean, it's a cook. I don't see. Sure. But it seems like you guys, I didn't realize, have an intention. We want to make sure we find them garbage. Of course.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
I don't remember, but probably. I don't think I would have wanted just some loose knives.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Yeah, unless my mom brought them when she visited. I don't remember how I got them. Okay, I'll give you that. That would make more sense.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
No. My guest bedroom is an office, which I'm actually thinking of turning into a guest bedroom.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
But no, they don't want to. I go to their hotel. I see them. I respect that. That's the classy way to do it. Get a hotel. Get a hotel.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
I don't have Venmo. My man. Look at you. What do you like about that? I don't know. It's a classy operation. I got PayPal. But I got into PayPal back in the early days when I was selling Magic cards on eBay. And Dragon Ball Z VCDs. Magic.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
I didn't realize that you guys had a bias like that.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
M-A-G-I-C-D-O-R-K. Magic the Gathering. Was that a lucrative business for you? Buying and selling collectibles. Yeah. You were a Pokemon guy. I collected Pokemon a little bit, but I was more a magic player. What's that called? Arbitrage?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
I never played Pokemon. I look at Pokemon more as a, like, I punch you, you punch me. Magic is a little more strategy. I think of it like an adult Pokemon. Your mana pool, I remember that. Yeah. Okay. There's more strategy. It's chess with cards. Really? Yeah, and instead of having a set amount of pieces, you build your own deck.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
And you could cast your spells and have your planeswalkers and have your creatures.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Somebody get the football, will you? Well, you need somewhere to relax.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Currency, yes, land. But basically to cast spells... Typically, you need to have a certain amount of mana.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
We had sex, and she blew me, and I ate her out.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Dual lands are in the thousands of dollars now.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Friday Night Magic. Is that the name of the place? Friday Night Magic is a thing that, like, card stores have Friday Night Magic. There's Monday Night Football. There's Friday Night Magic.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
And you'd go, and my dad would drop me off at the card store on Friday night, and they were open until midnight, and you would play, and there was a Papa John's across the street, and I don't eat cheese, but Papa John's I always referred to as Easy Peel Pizza because if I was going to get a whole pizza, I wanted to split it with somebody because at the time I couldn't really afford a proper pizza.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Uh-huh. I would want to get my own pizza without cheese, but there I'm like, hey, we'll get it with cheese. And also, if you want, I'll even give you my cheese. And I would peel it off with a fork. You just take it from the base, and you could peel it off in one piece, one big triangle. And I loved Papa John's, dude.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
That's all right. I want to buy queso, freaks.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Like sophomore, junior, senior year? Probably mostly like 9, 10, 11. Okay. Maybe 12, too. That's all high school.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Yeah. You know, I know I was going there younger, too. So pre-high school into high school, I guess. I'm not remembering because I remember the – I mean, you're not eating chicks out if you're going to Friday Night Magic. I had to date a girl for six months before I kissed the top of her head. No, I wasn't eating girls out until college. Lose the cloak, maybe you'll get a little headway.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Isn't that more of a New York thing, though, than an L.A. thing? I think he's Jersey, you know.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
And by the way, I went D1. There you go. I'm not sure I get it. That doesn't sound like a bad Friday night. That's a sweep.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
I got you. Well, I'm just saying I was in a D1 school when I first ate a girl out. No, I was in high school, and I dated a girl recently whose birthday was two days before mine. Whoa. And it's like, oh, it's interesting that I'm finding these strong, independent women who share birthdays that are so close to mine.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Probably still is. But, oh, Route 66. Whoa. Prank caller, prank caller.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
You mean like a crawlworm? Put up a picture. He's a great guy. You mean like a tremor? Eli, yeah. Eli. He was a great guy. And also, my dad worked at the rug store. Shout out to Marshall Rug Gallery. Right. And it was like a mile down the road from there. So sometimes I would go to work with my dad during the summers, and then I would just go to the card shop, and I would be there.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
And there was not that many people. During the day, people come in, they buy stuff, and they leave. Not that many people are there necessarily playing. Mm-hmm. Tables in the back? Tables in the back. And I would just sit there. I would just be there for hours, like looking at the comic books and asking questions and looking in the case at all the cards and asking him questions and stuff.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
And I was there all the time. And I remember there was one time I must have asked him too many questions. And by the way, what I'm about to say, Eli's a great guy. He was just telling how it was.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
He said something to me once about something like... You know, I'm there all the time.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
And he goes, he said something where I was like, hey, man, I'm not your babysitter. I remember. We're your parents. I remember when he said that. I remember when he said that, I got embarrassed. I got embarrassed because it was only then that I realized, oh, no, I'm bothering. I'm here too much. And I got really embarrassed that I was there and I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
I thought like I was just hanging out and asked. I'm so sorry. I was just like even now I can remember that feeling. Oh, I'm so sorry.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
I don't want to eat your cheese. Get out of here.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
but you know i see him i go when i go back i still go in there and like i was there not too long ago because listen kid it's just a fucking job for me okay um part go to go to uh part of my merch uh i have these trading cards that are awesome go to taiso cards.com i want you to see them i want to make you guys cards okay i do make them a previous guests um and then uh here click here very nice
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Aren't those amazing? Oh, those are really cool. Shout out to Scott Hepburn, who's a Marvel illustrator.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Aren't those really cool? And we turn them into different characters. And the cards, they're holofoil. They're awesome.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Well, I would love to... Who do you guys... What kind of superpowers would I have?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Eli would have killed that. I went into his card store recently because I was traveling and I needed some cases, and I got a couple of cardboard cases, and he just gave them to me. I'm like, no. He's like, no, take the cases. And I was like, you know what? That whole babysitting thing that I've been sitting on for a decade? Yeah, you got a lot of cash. I think you're cool with me.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Bandit, I love going there because I didn't really have friends. What? Yeah, and you'd go, I didn't have kids that I would play with. I wasn't really part of the crew. Yeah, and I would go to Mr. Cards and Comics and it was all these, I remember thinking, these are such weird people. Different, eclectic, weird. I didn't know I was one of them.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
I'm going in, and these guys that are real nerdy and socially awkward, and some of them smell. I think people know that. Not all of them, but some people that play Magic. If you were a Magic player, I would just check in, ask somebody, say, hey, you have a safe space. Do I smell? Let me know. And the trick is not cologne and perfume.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
The trick is cleaning your clothes, making sure they dry properly, and showering. And by the way, I'm not even saying shower every day. But if you sweat or if you shower. Sure. Anyway. Would adults come in and play with you? Yeah, there was kids to adults. Pedophiles. Whoa. And everybody was part of the same thing. There's a similar feeling I had when I first moved to L.A. I played basketball.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
And I got into some basketball games with some comics. I remember one of the first comics that I remember being like, cool, was Steve Renazzisi. I never met him before. Sure. And I was a fan of the league. I'm like, this is awesome. Yeah.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
But when you're playing basketball with these guys, it's like it's about the basketball, not about how much, you know, if you're a headliner or an open-mic type of thing. Of course. And that's the analogy I have for going and playing Friday Night Magic. You're all equal. You can be 17 or you can be 45. You're all losers. And how are you? You know? And some of you smell. Some of you smell.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
But losers to the people looking in the window. In there, it really is a cool community. And when I moved out to L.A., I would play at a card store in Studio City.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Yeah, and it was sanctioned tournament play. So, like, you were nationally ranked. That makes it better. I thought this was amateur shit. You're talking sanctioned? Well, it's not sanctioned like you're a pro. Rich, I don't care. And then after, that was every Sunday. And after, we would go across the street to Panda Express. And this might be one of your garbage, literally.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
And at Panda Express receipts, at least back in the day, if you fill out the... The survey, you call the number, you fill out the survey. You get a free entree with the purchase of another entree. So I would ask people if I could have the receipt when I would go. And sometimes I would look if there was any receipts in the top of the garbage.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
And I would take a receipt from the garbage and I would just do the survey. So I would get an entree with two sides and a free entree. And I would play my magic. I would get Panda Express. Dude, it was – to be young.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
I don't eat it anymore, but I like the Beijing beef. Okay. I would get the Beijing beef, a double order, and lo mein. Chumlee loves that. I wanted the orange chicken, but I don't eat dark meat.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Out there. This is the nicest podcast I go on.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
My parents' bathroom had a... I could see that. They strike me as readers. And sometimes I would take a dump in my parents' bathroom so I could check out the Victoria's Secret. That was like vacation. Really? My mom had a Victoria's Secret catalog subscription, I think. Whoa. Or it came to the house. Maybe my dad did. But yeah, I would look at that and I would just... I mean, those.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
That was crazy. Kids have too much access to appreciate. Now I know everything. These Victoria's Secret models are just these ugly hags. But back then...
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Yep. Gorgeous. Leo ran through all of them, too. I'm going to brag without name-dropping. You dated one. No, I didn't date one, but I went out with one a couple of times. I've seen one one time. You went out with one. I went out with one a couple of times. Socially.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I could see you pulling that. But you know what? I was going to tell a story that I'm not going to tell. Okay. I'm not going to tell.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
You can find it on Patreon. I got blown by Victoria's Secret model. There you go. That's pretty cool. There you go. And I thought to myself.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Good teeth. Did you ever have braces? You've got to have braces. No, but I have recently been talking... Oh, I have recently been talking to a dentist about needing – he wants me to fix my bottom teeth because as we get older – I'm almost 30. So as we get older, they get a little bit worse, and he thinks of the health of the bottom.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
I thought to myself, because I was always. If Eli could see me now.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
I was always very insecure with girls. You're talking to two studs over here.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
You know, like, would they really want to go out with me? If they do, are they doing this to, like, make fun about me to their friends behind my back? Like, I didn't trust that they would— It's not a rom-com. Why would they like me? I had some experiences. Okay. But anyway.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
The reason I say this is it was that moment. It was just some decision I made because I was like. I masturbated to these people. And now one of them is like, you will masturbate to me? And now that moment, there's two moments in my life that I can remember where I became more confident in some type of sexual way. That was one where that happened. I'm like, oh, maybe girls do like me.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Maybe if they say they like me, they mean it. And I got a little bit more confident. And another one was when I was – I didn't get chest hair until college. And then I got chest hair. And that was like an awakening for you. I didn't think anything of it. I just got some chest hair.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
And then I was dating a girl in college who went to a different college, and I went to her dorm, and the guys and the girls were on the same floor, separate wing. So I took a shower down the hall, and then I walked back to her room with a towel around my waist, but not covering my torso. Get the chest hair out. And she goes, get in the room. You have so much chest hair.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
And it, like, that fucked me up for years. Oh, I thought you would have taken confidence in that. No, she was, like, tied. And I'm like, oh, is this should I be embarrassed? And I didn't even have a choice. The answer was yes.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
So I embarrassed her. I was embarrassed. And for years, like even swimming, I didn't want to take my shirt off. I was so embarrassed about my chest hair until I saw Hugh Jackman as Wolverine, which is why in those Tysa cards, I'm Wolverine. because I saw Hugh Jackman, and he had chest hair, and he doesn't have the same body I have. But I was like, he looks cool. Maybe hair is okay.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
And like that, I'm like, I'm going to be okay with my shirt off. So Hugh Jackman and Victoria's Secret are the only reason why I'm allowing myself to date.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Yeah, I think girls, girls, girls that grew up in the 90s or were it split some like chest hair or something, because I don't know if you remember, but in the 90s, that's when guys are even were waxing their chest and like shaving their chest hair. And that's where manscaping started. And then I think chest hair is kind of coming back. I don't have any.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Huh. Nothing. Smooth. I still feel I'm okay with it, but I still feel insecure when I take my shirt off because of my chest hair. That's good stuff.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
So with moving the bottom, I might have to move the top, and I don't want to move the top.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
I trim it. And we're like, no, dude, it's totally cool. He takes it off. And we're like, what the fuck? I trim it to a point to where I don't want it to look trimmed. Sure.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
I was like, you look cool. That's what I'm saying. When it's trimmed, it looks nice. But then when you have as much as I do, because I'm a hairy guy, then it's like if you go too short, it just looks like –
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
military cut it just looks like it just you got either get rid of it or keep it you gotta high and tight your nips yeah choose a lane and i would do you do tighter on the nips a little longer on the chest a little shorter thing i remember i was experimenting all the time and i tightened my abs to see where the lines would be and i did like a tic-tac-toe board on my thing and then it was just it just looked like i you know you know like it'll grow back
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
So I would identify with Wolverine. Yeah, you kind of like how they drew Homer in like 89. Hey, Bart.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
She's very talented. It's crazy. And the debate closed.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Very talented. You know, bringing up Mandy Moore is making me think of Aquaman from Entourage. It was Jessica Alba. One sec. And then also in Entourage. And it's also making me think of, it's kind of like how when Ari started his new agency, Vince and the guys had to walk up so many flights of stairs to get there. And I was thinking about Entourage on my way up here. Pretty good.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
There's a lot of black dentists that I think are good.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Six flights to get up here. Six flights. Hey, give it our location away.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
I want to. I've tried it. My body responds well to it. It's not for me. Okay, go.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Buddy, I got chest hair. I got blown by Victoria's Secret model. You think I can't dance? What do you think? And he knows Hugh Jackman. I don't know Hugh Jackman. Just roll with it.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
That's the way I look at it. I like my character. Yeah. But they were saying for health reasons. What's health? Come on. It's going to get hard to clean between the teeth. That's all bullshit. They're trying to suck you in for a cleaning. That's like undercoating on a car. It would be so funny if a tooth fell out of yours when you said that. It's just a way to lose credibility.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
I don't really like eggs. When I make them, I make them hard-boiled, and I throw away the yolk. And you know what I do every time I do it? I go, these are good, yolks aside. That's pretty good.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
No, no. There's, like, I did a show, and somebody gave me, like, a Van Leeuwen free ice cream cone, and I give it to somebody who comes over.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
In my fridge, and it's been there for too long. It needs to be replaced.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
I have proper baking soda because I'll take it sometimes I have heartburn, so I put it in a nice little ramekin, my sauce ramekin.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
I also would like to do a plug for IB Guard. Please. It's this pill that's peppermint oil, and it's friggin' magic.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Magic. It works. Stomachache, heartburn, take it within minutes. Magic. I like it so much, I want to invest in the company. I stick with Nexon. For that reason, I'm out. I like the hard stuff.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
I only think it's happened once where it wasn't like I could just walk out and drop it there, and it was somewhere across the street, and I think it was still just across the street.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Some of them. Yeah? Yeah. I got some phone numbers. I'm sure they dive in the bushes when you walk down. Whoa! You said they dive in the bushes? Uh-huh. Why do I have that reputation? Why do you think that? I don't think you would say that to anybody.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Because I resonate with it. I'm thinking like, I mean, maybe.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
I don't want you afraid to look at your neighbor. I wasn't sure also because I know you like Homer so much and he's a big hiding in the bushes kind of guy.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
No. Okay. Whoa, what are you doing? Fireworks? Same with my pepper shaker. Sometimes I just want to light it and season it from far away.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
All right. You have a wooden toilet seat or binoculars. Okay.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
No, but I loved cargo shorts and pants when I was younger. Okay. I had cargo pants that unzipped into shorts. Yikes. To play basketball in.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
What? I don't know. You can't even pull it? I mean, I was on a ferry with my car coming back from Newport Beach. Wow, that's nice. July 4th, 2023.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
I got the hybrid electric not specifically for the electric, which has been great. I don't have to fill up that much, but more so so I could drive in the HOV lane. Is it white? Black.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Normally. But after the fires, I've been. Of course. I haven't. And I was going to get it washed. But I'm like, then I'm coming in New York. And Boston and Philadelphia. Let it sit for a little bit. It's good.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
He's small enough of a doggie. When I'm in New York, like I'm here, and then I'm going to do another podcast, and I'm gone all day. So if I'm going to be gone all day, I'm going to take the dog with me. Take the dog. And then if I have a show, I'll take the dog with me. But I'm not like leaving my house and bringing the dog to the shows all the time. You know what I mean?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
A couple of times I brought a dog. One was intentional when Jordan Jensen was in town. Shout out Jordan. And she had a coyote and I wanted them to meet. And they just chill in the green. But he really, I do bring him on the road. He's a good hang. And I do bring him to shows. I leave him in the green room. Yeah. I love having a man when traveling. He's a good dude, man. I get it.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
You know, beat Bobby Flay, he wins around 70% of the time. He's tough to beat, man. The guy's good. He's an iron chef, like Ching Leung. How many, what do you think the percentage of people that are coming in classy here are?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
I'm on tour. The Ricky's on the Loose tour. I got my tickets at punchup.live slash Rick Glassman. I don't know when this comes out, but tickets are up there. And I'm adding new cities back into the year. I don't know.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Yeah. That's it? I'm confused. Are you looking up the notable alumni now? Of Orange High School? Yes. Not before I got here? No. We do it on the spot. How did I know what high school you went to?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
I mean, I was with you guys yesterday. You could have asked me.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Orange High School? Dude, that sounds so made up.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
I did go to PEP. PEP? Yeah. What do you mean? I feel like I talked about this on the first episode. Yeah, you did a little bit. PEP is a special school I had to go to for a year. Ah, yeah, that's right. It's called Positive Education Program for the Troubled Boys.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Did it say me on whatever you're looking at, really, or are you just saying that? No, you're on there. What is it? Notable alumni on your Orange High School's Wikipedia page. Oh, it's on the Wikipedia page? Yes, sir. There's only three people on it? Yeah. And I'm one of them? Yeah. Look at that.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
What is the percentage of people when you look up notable alumni that they are on the list?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Have you tried switching to State Farm? Maybe it'll give you a little recognition. We'll be right back after a word from our sponsors. State Farm. Okay.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
He's throwing beads at him. A lot of times you do something, you do some type of an analogy joke, and you set it up, and I often wonder, like, is he going to find it? And I think you've landed it every single time. Thank you, buddy. Do you know Bourbon Street before you start talking about links?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Okay, but a lot of times you ever say something like, oh, you're licking your paws, and you just trust you're going to find it because you see the licking thing first. You know the structure, and you start. But then I haven't seen you miss.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
All right. Classic Foley. And we're back in five, four, three. Reset it.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
He invented Cribs, the TV show. He invented Cribs, the TV show. Were you a theater major over there? Minor. Minor. Well, I mean, for the first three years. I graduated early. Hello. What was your major? Political science. Marketing.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Pretty good. I didn't finish my minor degree in theater because I was two classes away. It was costume and lighting, and I would have had to stay another semester. Buddy, I'm working in front of the curtain, all right?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
It took me four and a half years because I retook some of my classes for my first semester for a thing called freshman forgiveness so I could bring my GPA up because I thought I was going to go to law school. and I did four and a half years. I'm like, I don't need to get a minor in theater for these two classes, so I graduated a little early. You were in court wearing all kinds of weird outfits.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Yeah, and the lighting was terrible. Not on Kent State.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Antonio Gates. Antonio Gates? Antonio Banderas.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Good. They're basketball teams, not... Yeah, they were good. They were a lead eight when I was there. No shit. Yeah, and Joshua Cribs... Not Joshua Cribs. Antonio Gates, who played for the Chargers... he was a basketball player, not a football player in college. Right. And then he went from being a great basketball player in college to then in the NFL.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
First music concert. It was either George Thorogood or Metallica. Okay. Or the Up in Smoke tour. All of those were high school. Who's Up in Smoke? That's a good tour. Dre, Eminem.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Yeah. It was Exhibit Snoop. But I did it. It was an evening show. But yeah, those were the first three concerts, and I don't know which was first.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
I was a big – am a big Schwarzenegger fan and a big Terminator 2 fan. Bad to the bone. I used to love that song. So my brother assumed I would love George Thorogood, and he wasn't lying. Yeah. My brother took me to that one. Metallica, I went with some friends.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
I was 28. This had to be like Reload or something. I just wanted to have a good time with my friends and nothing else matters, you know? Sure.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Do you know who Chum Lee is? That's that Asian guy who does a lot of fishing videos.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
It's the Asian guy who does all the fishing videos. Did you get that the first time? I got you. He's making a slick out there on the water.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Okay. Have you ever seen Pawn Stars? It's on. I watch for a second. Sometimes I see clips when someone is trying to sell a comic book or a magic card. Okay. Yeah. It's pretty good. Or a Pokemon card. Do you know what the time bandit is? I mean, unfortunately, we're all beholden to him. No. Okay.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
Huh. Loved that show. Okay. He taught, he was the one who offered, taught me the perspective that, like, people need.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Rick Glassman Returns!
I assume he's Asian. I love her. All these jobs are necessary. And to be proud of doing some of these dirty jobs. Of course. Like what you guys are doing. Thank you. I mean, how much time do you put in to make all these Patreon videos? It's fucking filthy what you do.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
matt peters hey sam and mark congratulations on 200 episodes uh i'm sure every other comedian has thought of something funny to say i have not so i just wanted to say congratulations i'm trying to be genuine and uh yeah see you around sam i'll see you i'll go upstairs and see you now oh neighbor ah
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
All right. Hey, Sam. Hey, Mark. It's Rick Glassman.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
And Alvin and I just wanted to say congrats on 200 episodes.
We Might Be Drunk
Ep 200: Brian Regan & Woodford Reserve
That's right. Good boy. Hey, in post, make the dog's mouth open up and down and have him say, happy 200th episode. Oh, fuck. How do I turn this thing off?