Ralph Barbosa

He's like, no, no, I'll find my own thing. But I was like, man, just go.

It's a deal. Is the house close enough where he can get the business traffic or whatever? Nah, because he mostly just has his private customers. It isn't like a, hey, could I come in here and get fixed?

Yeah, he's been doing it so long. He just has his clients.

Yeah, so we have like a cult. Yeah, you're building a compound.

How many bedrooms is it? I don't remember the square footage, but it's three bedrooms. There's like a guest bath. So in total, there's like three places you could shower. Damn. That's nice.

I just drew it out the best that I could.

And then I drew a big walk-in closet, and I wanted a Batman-style entrance to go down. Like a pole? No, it's not a pole. It's like a little ladder. And so if you're in the garage, it looks like it's a part of the little pillar coming out of the wall. It looks like it's part of the thing. But there's a secret door. You can just go through there.

You are blowing cash. I fucking love this kid. Hold on. Before you think of this really cool bachelor paddle, that stuff is technically not finished, those parts. Okay.

Yeah, we got those, like, those, I don't know what you call them, but there's AC and heat.

I mean, I drive them. No, but I mean, like, they're ready to go. They're sitting there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The day-to-day car, it depends. Like, for a little while, I was driving around this 1998 Nissan 240. And those cars, it's, like, real low to the ground. It doesn't have much power, but it feels like you're driving around a go-kart. But I never put insurance or, like, got it registered. Jesus. So I stopped driving it because I kept getting pulled over. Makes sense.

But a lot of the police that would pull me over would be like, hey, man, you're funny. They're like, get on out of here, you wacky. Crazy kids. Those Barboses are up to no good out there. One guy was just like, yeah, I don't know who you are. You're getting tickets. Sure. Do you say to them, hey, I'm a comedian? Nah.

I just, I just like, sorry, but I'll tell them right when they pull me over, like, sir, he's got Netflix queued up. I should be like, sir, I'm going to let you know right now. I got no insurance, no tags. Like before, like, I'm not going to lie to you.

I tell them, I'm like, I don't know, because I live in a small Texas town. I'm like out in the country. So I'm like, I don't go far. I was like, I hope you don't think I was trying to take this far. Like, I'm just picking up my kid from school. Damn.

There's my friend's old plates. Oh, so there are plates on it. The guy I bought it from, yeah. Okay.

Yeah. Nah.

If you look at this car, you're like, no. Man. But it's fun to drive.

Yeah. So you got the kids running around, all that shit? You know, my son lives with me, so they're always playing with my son. He has cousins and stuff, so yeah. It's sick. I love it.

Yeah? Yeah. I thought you were going to say like a pickup truck.

You just drove it for the nostalgia?

16? Yeah. Do you mind me asking what year is this?

You got the collectible Tobey Maguire popcorn tin can.

Had enough to make out point to strike out. You got some juvenile plans. Shorty look good. Won't you back that ass up?

Yeah. It's the glasses. It's the hair. Maybe. Yeah, I got a little Harry Potter action.

You were driving the Lumina like you're a window shop. Oh, man. Yeah. You're looking in the rear view like, what'd you say? Get up on my car. Get up on my car.

I got this cool poster. It's like framed. It's like this framed poster. It's a painting of cars on the highway. Really? Yeah.

uh like a hundred bucks really throwing it around mostly frame money there you know it's cool it's like i'll go to walmart and just ball out and everybody's looking at me like the hell i guess because i was balling out at a walmart do you take the family will you take like well some of the kids be there get whatever you want uh a couple times but mostly i'll just run in there and i'll get a bunch of pants how many pants

Man, I'll buy like a ridiculous amount of pants. What's a ridiculous amount of pants? I'll buy like 20 pairs of pants.

I'll find like a pair and I'll buy like four of those and then like four of these. One time I bought like just a whole bunch of pants. You made the news for being the weirdest guy. And I bought a bunch of waters. There's a lot of us. I bought like a bunch of cases of waters. And everybody's looking at me like, this guy must pee his pants a lot. And the adult diapers are in the back.

What's with the shades? My vision is bad.

You guys do Thanksgiving at the house? Hell yeah. Love Thanksgiving. Okay. Being Mexican, every now and then there's one family member that will be like, Maybe I can make fajita and enchiladas. And I'm like, shut up. We are Mexican. Those are foods that we just, those are regular foods for us. We have those every day of the year. Every other day.

I mean, they could throw it in, but you're not going to completely like. No, of course. You got to have the fucking turkey. Yeah, so every now and then there's one family member that I'm like, you're not in charge of Thanksgiving. You shut your pie hole.

It's got the layers on it on top. Yeah, we just rub some mayo with a brush. That'd probably be pretty good. We're going to fry one. There you go. So we made a deal. The women will... Keep it old school down there. The women shut their fucking mouths. The women will cover their ankles out of respect. No, the women are going to bake one, and the men will fry one. Okay. Outside.

No, I've always needed glasses. Are you fucking kidding me? I just couldn't afford them now. Are you nearsighted or farsighted? Can you see things far away? No, that's the one that I can't see things far away. How old are you? I'm 28. You've been riding like that for 28? You've been driving like that.

Yeah. It's great.

We've always done it. I just thought it was a very cholesterol-y type thing. Yeah. It's fun.

Make sure it's thawed out. I've had some bad experiences trying to fry food. I learned how to fry food. One time I tried to fry chicken, and I didn't know that... It was alive?

God damn it. I thought it was like, you know, crabs. You got to throw them in alive. No, I didn't know that cooking oil doesn't like bubble up when it's at boiling temperature. So I'm like waiting for it to get to boiling temperature. And finally, I'm like, I see it bubbling. And then I threw in the chicken, but it was like way too hot. The whole house almost burned down. God damn. Yeah. Man.

But I got it done after that. Okay. He said that with a point of pride. Yeah.

Hell yeah. I made my own little, like, batter. I don't remember what all I put. Just seasonings that I thought smelled good. Put, like, some Cajun seasoning. I mixed up some egg yolk with, like, Frank's hot sauce.

That sounds pretty good, though. Like an egg wash? Man, that thing was smacking. That's what the kids say these days. It's a smack. That's what the young kids are saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I never know. Sometimes we're like, yeah, just these people. And then it ends up being more. Sometimes we invite everybody and nobody shows up. That ever happen to you? Sure. When you're like just the immediate who lives in this house and then like more people show up? Sure. But then the year you invite everybody, you're like, we're never inviting them again.

I don't know.

I hope there's no expectations. I let everybody know that there are. I don't know if I can. You can cuss on here, right? Yeah. I let everybody know that there are pieces of shit.

He's the biggest piece of shit. But I'll buy them gifts. Now I look like Scrooge, you know?

Bunch of your old pants. But like that, as long as I keep reminding them that they're all pieces of shit to me, no matter what I get them, it's all like exceeded expectations. Yeah, it's a plus. Sure.

Buddy. As you say out here in New York, forget about it.

Yeah, no, I've always gotten my glasses, but I'll have them for like two weeks and then I'll lose them. But, yeah, last time I was here, I was promoting the Netflix special. So once that check came in, I bought like 10 pairs of glasses.

Yeah, my uncle's golden. That guy only that guy only pays you back in favors. I love it. That's great. Ask for favors and pays you back in favor.

Yeah, so to speak.

I asked other comedians, do they have business managers and stuff like that? And they recommended this one dude. And he's been cool, but I also think he gets mad a lot, and he kind of just gave up on me. Because he, like, will tell me, like, don't do this, do this instead of do that. And I'm like, nah, dude, I'm doing this. I'm like, this car, I can't pass up this deal.

So you have access to all the fun, so you can just do whatever you want. Yeah. I've always told people, like, I won't, this money won't last. But I never did it for the money anyway.

There you go. They fucked up giving me money, man.

Bro, there's dudes that I haven't had a class with since middle school. What? And I'm like, bro, I've only just liked your Facebook posts over the last 15 years. They think they're in. And then one day it just sent me a message, and I didn't open it. This happened from a few different people where I don't open it.

I don't have my notifications on, so I can't see what the message is, like, at all. I can only every now and then when I check my messages on Instagram or Facebook, I'll see that there is a message. So I can only see the first few words. That's enough. Yeah.

It's just like... So I saw one, and it was just like, hey, man, what's... And then I'm like, all right. And then... I didn't say nothing back. I was like, maybe I'll open it tomorrow or something, right? And like an hour later, I saw it again, and it said, it just has to be paid by. No, it does not. I was like, all right.

You got to beat me in horse. How bad do you want this loan? Own the whole town.

If you are now.

What is that?

I went to a school called North Mesquite High School. North Mesquite High School. That's right. I remember. Yeah.

Oh, dang. It's a garbage town.

Yeah.

Here's the thing. Here's what I kind of hated about my little town, but then I grew to be like, all right, whatever.

Yeah, because I would have ties. I have relatives, and a couple times I stayed. in the Dallas city limits, because I'm originally from Dallas, Texas, in Oak Cliff. But Oak Cliff, it's a neighborhood, it's pretty rough. So a lot of my relatives over there would be like, oh, you live in Mesquite, you have it good, you have it set, right?

Nah, I mean, I see enough.

But to people of your background, when they hear you're from Mesquite, they're like, ugh.

Yeah, so there was like no winning. My family didn't respect me because they're like, you're from a nice neighborhood. But people from nice neighborhoods were like, nah, bro, you're from like a step above a trailer park. So yeah, it's very hard growing up there.

Yeah. I mean, I'm not picky. Sure. I see stuff where I don't.

I think we were like rivals with them. Also, I was like, I don't even think a lot of the people that work there knew I was a person there.

They should now.

I'm going to pull up. For the work. I'm going to pull up in a car to the front parking lot and start revving my motor. Sure.

girlfriend yeah and then he fucked up her face she dated jack nicholson that's jerry hall jerry hall jack nicholson yeah hell yeah yeah power couple that's a long stretch you go for a hurdle you know nothing against there you go for murder ralph get ralph on the goddamn board can't sell fucking tickets nah come on she was on the first batman that's pretty sure That was nice.

Yeah.

I was going to say, I just saw an Instagram post the other day. Michael Keaton was wearing Jordans in that Batman suit. Yeah. Michael Keaton is also the only guy, I guess, before the Dark Knight trilogies and back in the 90s, 80s technology. Michael Keaton is the only person to play Batman in two movies before Christian Bale.

But back then, they said it was just horrible torture to wear the Batsuit. Ah. Michael Keaton was the only one that was like, I'm the hero. Fuck it, I'll do it. They deserve respect.

Yeah.

Bro, it does. Tim Burton. I got to pay. I got to, you know, thank you, Tim Burton. Shout out to you, B. He did that one. Then he did the other one with Penguin with Danny DeVito. Of course. Bro, only, I don't know. Anybody who's booked Danny DeVito on anything is genius.

Killing him. Danny DeVito was one of the main characters and the narrator for Matilda. Nobody has ever had an issue with that. It's a little off that he's like, sure. He's, like, torturing Matilda, you know, just giving her the worst childhood. But also he's like, let me tell you about a special little girl. It all started one day. That's good.

You were partying with- How many drugs do you do? A couple weeks ago, a few months.

Yeah, man.

Yeah, it was fun. So I went to my first concert ever.

Yeah, I went to this concert and I got to hang out backstage. And I got to watch the concert from the side of the stage. It's very cool. It's cool. It is. Don't get me wrong. But I'm looking at the crowd, and I'm like, they're fucking having fun.

But it wasn't like a crazy where they start a mosh pit or anything like that. So then when I went to O.T. 's, you know, it's at Austin City Limits, and there's just this ginormous crowd. And he's like, y'all, split up. He's like, open up, open up some space. And he's about to make them start moshing. And I'm already watching from, like, way behind him. I'm like, bro, this is badass.

You were making cash on the road. Well, yeah, I was making cash on the road. But when I came on here with you guys last year, I had only been on the road for maybe a year tops. Sure. So, yeah, I was still kind of everything hit off kind of fast for me.

And then he goes, they said, they're asking if you're going to get in there, Ralph. He's like, you going to get in there, Ralph? I was like, already.

I was already wanting to get in there. And I had this sweet Buc-ee's shirt that I had just bought. Because it was like around election time. So it had the Buc-ee's beaver. It said 2024 with the American flag. And so everybody was complimenting it that day. And so I went up to the front of the stage and I took off the shirt. And everybody was like, wow. And then I threw the shirt into the crowd.

A little bit of me was like, fuck, man. I got to wait another four years to get one of those. That shit was badass.

Plus, the cash that I was getting on the road, I was spending it very stupidiously. Join the club, kid.

Do it. But the crowd went crazy. And so I went up. There's like these steps on that metal little gate thing that holds the crowd back. So I went up on those steps, and I just went like that. And then I started crowd surfing. And they almost dropped me a few times.

And I had this chain on, which I don't even wear jewelry like that, but I had been in Houston like the week before, like a few days before that. That's a Houston passport. Yeah, this jeweler came, and he hooked it up with a chain, gave me a good price, and I was like, man, I have to get it. Like, I just have to.

I was wearing the chain, but as soon as I was crowd surfing, I was just holding on to it the whole time. I was like, I don't trust you degenerates.

And then I had my left hand in my pocket because I didn't want my phone to fall out. And there was a couple times where they dropped me, but then they'd catch me. And one of the ones, they dropped me in my head, almost hit the ground, and they caught me, and then they just launched me.

Yeah, just torpedoed out like a whale coming out of the water or something. Dolphin style. And then I ended up, I landed on my feet. And then, like, everybody's looking around, and that's when, like, the music, like, the beats dropping. So we're like, wah, wah, wah. So we're just, like, just dancing and hopping and stuff. And Jaime and OT's security guard came to, like, all right, that's enough.

Like, get him out, you know? And so they got me back out there. But, yeah, it was nuts. How did you link up with him? How did you become buddies with him? Um... Not his last album, but a couple albums ago, he did this album called The Lone Star Luchador. And I did audio skits for it. Ah, nice. And I wrote this skit where me and him were the commentators at a wrestling match.

Yeah, if you've never had money, you got to learn how to Have it. Have it. It's something which I'm still learning it. You need some regrets, you know?

And I just created these stupid characters like the Invisible Masturbator and stuff like that. That's a good bit, dude. I don't care where you're from. That's a good bit. Yeah. I forgot what the name of the other ones were, but it was fun, and I got to meet up with him and record. I don't know. He's been cool people ever since.

I had a couple shows in Austin, and he was going to be there at the same time, and he's like, man, stay an extra day and come to Austin City Limits with me. There you go. Yeah. All right, how's that backstage with him? That was dope. That was sick. Because with O.T. 's backstage, you can be backstage and you can go just party with the crowd. Sure.

I didn't know that there was a rider for a long time. And my agent was like... Bringing his own lunch? What the fuck? I was just packing a sandwich.

Pieces of shit. Now, I didn't know there was a writer at first, and we started hitting theaters, you know, in January, and my agent was like, bro, these theaters will provide whatever you need.

Yeah, whatever you want. So I was like, all right, well, I don't know. I was like, but like soda, hot Cheetos and, you know, my agent would always check up. He's like, is there anything else you want? I mean, like anything, like is the temperature in the rooms OK? And I'm like, bro, we can tell them what temperature to put the green room? And he's like, yeah. So I was like, all right, all right.

From now on, every green room that I go into, write it in there that I want it to be at 69 degrees. And like, I forgot about it, though. They'll do it in most places. And if they don't, I don't even care. But I forgot about it. And then like a couple months ago, I did a college gig in New Mexico. And the building was pretty old, so the green room was, like, way down in the basement.

And it's, like, this dressing room type thing. And they had all these, like, those, like, electric fans. And, like, they had one of the ones that, with the big old tube, like. Like an indoor. Like an indoor thing. And then they had, like, these little fans. And then they had, like, a thermometer in there. Yeah. And they're like, oh, man, you know, it's like an old building. It doesn't have a seat.

But don't worry, Mr. Barbosa, we're trying our best to get it to 69 degrees. And I was like, oh, shit, I forgot all about that. I was like, you don't got to do that, man. Yeah, that's right.

You drink regular soda or you drink diet soda? I drink diet soda. So I'll have, like, both. I'll have, like, Dr. Peppers and Diet Dr. Peppers. It's like a Forrest Gump.

Yeah. You drove. Yeah, I drove. I got a little car. You were like a Camry or something, weren't you? It was like a regular car. Actually, no. It looks regular. That's how the kids do it. It's called the Chevy SS. It's a 2017 Chevy. They made those from 2014, I believe, to 2017. I forgot what they're called in Australia. They were really popular over there. It looks like a Chevy Malibu. Yeah.

I tell people all the time, I'm just Forrest Gump in it, like... I just like running.

What the hell? He's about to hit a mosh pit. I'll tell him put like whatever chips, but I was like hot Cheetos, hot fries, because sometimes I like to get like a hot Cheetos and hot fries on the same plate, and then there's like lemons and limes on my rider, so I can squeeze lemon on it.

Hot fries from the people from the company that buy you hot Cheetos. The sticks. They're little sticks. They're red. Yeah, like hot fries. But there's also the other brand of hot fries. Okay, so not those. But sometimes they'll bring those, and I love those too.

You're eating the off-brand hot fries? The hot Cheeto ones. Chester's. Chester's hot fries. That's the Cheetos name. Chester's hot fries? Even though that was a thing. Yeah, he also makes hot fries, Chester. I got to get back out there. Yeah, oh, it's a whole new world, my friend. But I'll take either hot fry.

Yeah. I mean, I'm no prince, but I like to.

Yeah, no, I mean, I got to give him that. I got to give him that. At least he did that, you know? If I had been born somewhere else, I might have become the next. Sure. And you put lemon and lime on it. There's still time. I bet you that's pretty good. No, it's pretty good. Honestly, I got tired of it pretty early on the tour.

Yeah, I'm done. Every night is gummy bears. My dentist hates me.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know, what's tough to find in New York is hash browns. Really? I mean, every time I go to a diner.

What are you nuts? They just have like home fries everywhere I go. A lot of that.

Yeah. What's crazy is that I'll go to these diners and they don't have hash browns on the menu. But sometimes they'll have chilaquiles or sometimes they'll have huevos rancheros. And I'm like, you guys went like too south.

I'm glad you have that. I love that too. But at least put some hash browns on it. Sure. Yeah.

His favorite chip was a Cheeto, though. No kidding. I wonder who's timing him. He's just like, we'll get to that other evil shit later. He's like, real quick, record this. It's his prison guard's tell-all.

What's cool is that like, I don't know. This didn't used to happen, you know, before I was born. Netflix is Ralph Barbosa. Before I was HBO, Entrenos, The Winners 3, Ralph Barbosa. Shout out to it. Damn, that's you? I didn't know that was another Barbosa. If I would be dating a girl, I would rarely ever get food cooked for me. Now I can be like, can you make this?

It doesn't look impressive.

Like this idea I have, and somebody will make it. Wait, you'll be at the girl's house, and you'll use it as a test kitchen.

Dice up a bunch of Spam and put it with like diced up like tomatoes and onions, maybe a little bit of like jalapeno, like a serrano pepper, and then like put it in a taco.

Yeah, but it has the motor from a Camaro. It has a 6.2. I think it's like a 370-inch cubic inch. Yeah, it's a pretty fast car. The guy who built it put, like, performance heads on it, long-tube headers, a Borla exhaust. He put those fat fuel injectors on it and a couple other things. So the thing was powerful. I actually traded that. I technically won the car. How? So I won a 2019 Camaro. Where?

I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm HBO's internet north. The Winners 3, Ralph Barboza. Baby, I'm not going to do that.

I've had a few steaks, yeah. Do you do any seafood? Will you do oysters or anything like that? I got sick from eating way too many oysters. That's when the money was really getting to me. I was sitting there with mountains of oysters.

They were like, the ocean floors are empty, sir, please. And I was like, bring more. I love boils, man. That's another, like, baller move that I've been doing. At the house? No, like, I'll go to a restaurant. I'll go to, like, one of, like, I love Oshuk's back in Dallas. Okay. Oshuk's Oyster Bar. But they have, like, some of the best crab boils. Also, Fishing Tales does, too.

And I'll go to those places, and I'll be, like, they'll have, like, the combo platter where it's, like, a pound of shrimp, a pound of crab legs. mixed with the sausage and potatoes. And I'll be like, give me two of those. And they're like, what? Two? Double it up. And then I'll finish those and I'll be like, bring another two. I have a friend coming. A bunch of crawfish. I love crawfish.

You like crawfish? I do.

I'll tell you what. Next time you're in Dallas, you guys got to let me know. I'll take you to Aw Shucks. We'll get a boil, and we'll order some crawfish as well because what I like to do, their seasoning is really good. It's not overboard. It's good enough. Also, it's good with the crawfish. is that the little juice that accumulates at the bottom Excuse me, sorry.

You'll crack open, like, I like to, at this point, I'm pretty fast at taking them out. I'll get about, like, my buddy Jojo showed me. Shout out to Jojo. Shout out to Oak Cliff Barbers, where I used to work.

You'll take out about, like, eight or ten of them while you're just talking. You're just catching up with your boy, you know? And you're letting them soak in the juice. And we also have crab legs and shrimp, so we'll eat some of those, too, while you just let them soak. Marinate them a bit. And then eat them. And, man. Mwah. Okay. It's Jean-Gilles Préclat, Sacré Bleu.

Nah, I was supposed to. No, no vacation. I do want to take a vacation and go visit family in Mexico. I haven't been back to Mexico since I was like 12. I used to go every summer. Yeah, I remember you were telling us before. And then we're right there by the coast, so I do want to go back, stay by the beach and stuff. But no, the only traveling I've done has been work related.

It's hard to take a trip and not turn it into like, let me do shows. Let me do a show. My dad and all the family, they wanted to go out to like Florida and they went. But I was like, I'm not going to go just to hang out like this. I don't know. And I know everybody's like, ah, you'll be fine. But the ticket sales could drop next week. You want to keep your foot on the gas. I respect that.

Yeah, so I'll put some foot on the gas. Also, I got some cars I got to pay off. I actually lost a lot of horse games that I'm still paying those off. Are you by far the best horse player that you roll with, or there's a couple people that are? Nah, bro. In my circle. But also, if you look at my circle, you're like, yeah. He's the best at most sports, I'm assuming. We saw Haim when he walked in.

Haim is the next skinniest dude after me. Everybody, yeah. I think because at heart, I'm a big boy. I can't gain very much weight being diabetic. Okay. You know, I also have, like, a pretty fast metabolism. But, yeah, you know, I'm type 1, so my body doesn't produce insulin. And insulin is what makes you gain the weight, you know? But my doctor is very upset with me. About what? It's my health.

Yeah, on the inside, I am dying. It's not great.

For what? A lottery? In a game of horse. What? Yeah. I won't say who I won it from out of respect. Sure. How do you get to that point where it's like, fuck it, let's do it for a Camaro? Well, I'm not a great basketball player. Like, I'm not fast. I don't have great handling skills.

It's usually about four of us. It's me, Jaime, and then it's the twins. They're not really twins, but they're around the same size. You really do. Anybody that has a cast of characters.

Yeah, they all do. Okay. Even Jaime. Jaime was the only one that wasn't an opening, but even I was like, get out there. Now he's out there. Get out there, you wacky.

Yeah. Jaime's also now a reoccurring co-host on Bobby Lee's Tiger Belly podcast. Right, yes. I've seen that. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's the goofy dude on there. You'll see a goofy looking dude at least. There you go. Sure.

No, I definitely, I like staying at some of the nice ones. I've stayed, I usually stay at whatever's closest to the venue. But every now and then, one time we were in Chicago. And I stayed at the Ritz Carlton. Okay. And, man, these nicer hotels, they'll do 24-hour room service. Yeah. So we'll, like, go outside, smoke a joint, and then at 2 a.m. we'll try to, like, write some jokes.

But we'll just order, like, a steak and watch South Park at, like, 2 a.m., just high as hell.

I don't either. I tipped him too much because I feel weird. I'm not used to people. Like the mafia. I'm like, thank you.

Bro, I would be just afraid of, like, getting charged for touching the button. Sure. I'm like, there's so many hidden fees. Sure. You're not supposed to do this.

I want nobody in here, dude. This is the first time this ever happened to me was at a hotel here in New York. Usually when I come to New York, I stay at my buddy's apartment on his couch in Astoria. That's not you.

But I stayed at this really nice hotel here, and they woke me up because they came to clean the windows. What? Yeah. What time? Well, I mean, to be fair, it was already like noon. And I was supposed to check out today. But they're like, you don't want your windows cleaned? I'm like, no, man, get out of here. Windows cleaned? Get the fuck out of my room. Go come back with a steak, with a box.

What do you leave for the staff? I don't know, man. I feel like I leave a good amount. Yeah. Sometimes my family's like, that's too much. But I'm like, nah. Nah, it's never too much. Yeah. If I was that guy, I would also want a tip. Yeah. Of course. The more I think that I would hate your job, the more I'll tip you. Sure. That's a good way to look at it.

But what's crazy is that even without the glasses, ever since I was a kid, I've had a mean jump shot. I loved playing growing up.

Yeah.

Hell no. This is how trash I am. I don't respect most dogs. Really? It depends on, like, how I see you. I mean... Wild dog out in the open, I'm running away from that thing.

I live out in the country, man. I tried to go for a jog one time. I got chased by half the dogs out there. Yeah, okay. That's a little different. You're not kissing one of them. But if I go to your house and you got a good dog, I'm cool with the dog. I'll pet it and stuff, especially if it's nice. But if it sheds a lot, I'm like, get it away from me.

And then if they lick me a lot, I don't want to kiss the dog. What the hell? I'll kiss your wife before I kiss your dog. Well, sir, you can come over to my house tonight.

I let the dog watch. Let him watch. Watch me while I make out with both your owners. That was good.

Yeah, so usually in games of horse, I'll start betting with people.

Yeah. Let Him Watch. Bring some chicks over. Let Him Watch. Wow, we got chicken or what?

That's all I've turned into since I've made money is just Jon Bernthal's character on Wolf of Wall Street. Just got a bag of perks with you.

With all due respect. That would be sick. Honestly, that's why I want to go to Europe is just find the toxic girlfriend.

Bring her back to the States.

Hell yeah.

I married one.

Nice.

Hell yeah, bro. You got to cover your ass, you know? Do you get fucked up? Man, I'll go like months sober, and then I'll go a few months just partying way too much. Okay. I get pretty lit.

Mostly beer. Okay. Yeah. I love a Modelo. Okay. I know what you guys are going to say about this, but I love some Budweiser. Oh, I'm a big. I love it. It's my go-to beer.

The bet started with like 50 bucks a game.

If I'm with a girl and they're drinking one. Yeah. Take it along with it. I'm like, give me that thing.

How are you on the dating scene now? You dating a little bit? I'm dating a little bit. And are you doing like proper you're doing proper dates? When you say proper, I just I immediately feel like I'm disappointing people. I don't know if there's the proper dates. So you take them out to dinner? Sometimes. If we're hungry. I told you, he invites them over and they make him spam.

I'm like, how's the spam in this place?

Yeah, and then— You took the guy's car? I had one of them. It was like—I had an 87 Supersport Monte Carlo with 24,000 original miles on it. Interior was just clean as the day it came out of the factory. Okay. The car was beautiful. I actually sold that car, which I regret now.

Yeah, I'll pick up the check. Nice. Yeah, that's respectable. Gentlemen. But if they and it never happens, which is making me wonder, like, what kind of women am I talking to? But if they're if they're ever like, no, no, no, I don't want you to pay this. We'll split it. Or like, I'll pay you pay this or I'll pay the next one. I'm cool with that, too.

No, no. Not in a long time. He's got a running tab over at all shucks. Are both of you guys married? I'm married. He's about to get married. Congratulations. Thanks, buddy. Do you always pick up the tab? You're the working man? Yeah. That's cool. But is that like... He hits her, too. If she had told you that she's not that type and she don't want you to do that, would you have been cool with it?

like when we started dating yeah actually when we started dating she she paid for a lot of stuff yeah she wasn't up until like three years ago two years ago we started making money yeah she had she had my back a lot dude you guys i'm jealous yeah i feel like i've screwed up any chance at having a woman that genuinely likes me like you're like your wife and fiance likes you sure

Yeah.

You got to let me see your penis, bro. Something about you must be. You're going to need those glasses. I'll tell you that. You must be a great listener. She emptied out her bank account for you.

Hell of a big spoon, dog.

Yeah, man. Thank you. I'm not garbage anymore. Thank you guys for having me.

What did you have to put up? Put up that car. Yeah.

No. Could have been hustling. We had already stopped playing and it was like the next day. And instead of being like 50 bucks a game, he's like, put up the Monte Carlo for my Camaro. Because his Camaro, he bought it wrecked, and he had just got it fixed and everything. Jesus. And it was, like, good to go.

Yeah. Okay. All right. I'm trying to figure out who it is now.

Yeah, you guys don't know.

So I won it, and I had been looking for a Chevy SS. The guy who showed them to me is the guy who built the one I have now, right? He introduced me to SSs through his own SS, and I had been looking for one, but they're a little hard to find, especially because people who love those cars, if they're at a used car lot, people get them fast.

Yeah. So, um, the guy who had that Chevy SS around that time was, uh, he was going to this thing called race week where you go to like four or five different States in one week to drag racing events. And during that time he kept finding, um, those Apple, what are they called? Those trackers, the air tags on his car. Get the fuck out of here. People wanted to rob it, you know?

So he, he, uh, he had just had his baby. So he was like, you know, I don't want this car and the, and the, the type of attention it gets. And I have my kid with me and stuff. So he wanted to get rid of it. And I was like, man, I'll trade you for this Camaro. And then you can probably sell that Camaro quicker or something, you know, something. And, um, He was already trying to sell that car.

He had somebody else lined up to get it. And he didn't really want the Camaro. He was like, nah, I'll just sell this one. But I don't know. I guess the Camaro, he was just like, screw it. That dude loves to race. So he kept the Camaro, turned that into a race car. I got the SS. It was a happy trade.

And he was like, no. And so I was like, all right. I gave you one shot.

I lost my Chevy SS to that guy, and then I got it back.

Roll on the day like this house.

It was getting kind of crazy. The game where I lost my SS, it got real close. Hold on.

Yeah.

But I won it back later that night. But I always remember. And then won the guy's Camaro. No, I won the Camaro first. I won the Camaro. I got the SS. And like a month later, he played me for the SS. And I forgot what he put up. Yeah, and I lost it.

But I lost because he's really good at those where you're like under, right under the net. And, you know, turning the ball. He's got an underhand shot. You wouldn't believe. So he got me with one of those. What?

Yeah, we don't do no paperwork. God damn. And it's all love. We're all close. I only do this with, like, close friends and family. So there's no, like, harbored, what do you call it, like, resentment. Yeah, harboring emotions. Yeah. It's all good.

A week later, he's just like, Ralph Barbosa shot over a... For a car dispute.

Horse game goes wrong.

Yeah, it was at a track out in Texas. It wasn't like this crazy event, but every weekend they do drag racing at that strip.

I mean, I'd take my mom's car and try to, like, race and drift and stuff. What kind of car was your mom have? My mom had an Acura. My grandma had a Jeep. The Jeep, if I'm not mistaken, it was a rear-wheel drive, so we used to be able to, like, we'd go to an empty parking lot and just start trying to slide it and drift it and stuff.

But, you know, they're built kind of boxy, so they, like, almost tip over. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It'd almost tip over here and there.

Did she say anything to you? Yeah, one time. Because the Acura was front-wheel drive, but it was faster. So we take that one to this one two-lane street with the median in the middle, and we just, you know... Floor it and then we try to do like a 180 drift and then come back around Like that's what they did in fucking two fits the hurry go down around.

Yeah, and then come back Yeah, so chickens when you really want one day my mom and my grandma One day my mom my grandma were like man my tires are like And my grandma was like, me too. Like, what the hell? Yeah, they don't make them like they used to. I don't know, but don't snow down there. I was like, you guys got to stop buying cheap tires. Get some Pirelli, something I can ride with.

But I never actually, like, you know.

Nah, bro, I just put on the seatbelt so the beeping would shut up. He's sitting on top of it? Yeah. Just rode in there like that. I had a beanie on to provide cushion. Are you scared? My car was, it's not like super, it's making like 500 something horses tops. Like, it's not crazy. You know what I mean? And you went around the track? No, straight away. Straight away. Okay.

Yeah, the car will do it like an 8, 8-ish. You should get a PlayStation or something like that. Start doing some push-ups or something.

Running or all together? Let's go all together because you're working on them. All together, I got maybe about 10-ish. Damn. What are you going to have? You're going to be like fucking Seinfeld. You're going to be like the Mexican Jay Leno. Yeah. That would be sick. I just got to grow my chin out a bit. Get some denim. Damn, you got 10 cars. And how many run? One, two, three, four.

I think four or five, like half of them. Okay. The other half, you know, I just go outside in the backyard and I see them out there and I take a sip of some beer and I just go, yeah.

You don't fix them at all. Can you fix a car? I'm learning to. So I used to do body work. I don't know if I talked about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Body work we know. You should do body and paint. You can change an oil, though? Yeah. I mean, stuff like that was always pretty simple. Change out a part, a starter, an alternator, whatever.

But since I got these other cars and I wanted to put performance parts on them, I met a dude because one of my favorite cars is the Nissan Skyline. It's a GTR. And I met a dude who's like a GTR enthusiast who does a lot of content, just building cars, fixing them. And he only buys cars... that either they don't run or they just suck, and he loves to fix them.

He doesn't believe in buying something that he didn't build, which I like that. So once I started buying performance parts for my car, I linked up with this dude and asked him to teach me to put them on, so I've been learning little by little. You got a garage you keep them in? Yeah. They're not just at the house anymore. No, they're where I live.

Yeah, I built a house on my dad's land.

I'm never going to leave.

Yes. Over this last year, you've built a house on your dad's property. Yeah. So here's the thing. I built the house on my dad's land. And the bottom floor. He lost it to me.

I built a house there and I wanted the bottom floor to just be all garage to fit as many cars as possible and the top floor be where we live. And once it was finished, like I didn't want to leave. So I also built what could be a body shop right next door to the house. And my uncle who taught me how to paint. You are living in a dirt bag. Dude, it's crazy. It's nuts.

My uncle who taught me how to paint was already looking to move with his family. And he has, you know, he had his place where he was living, but then he was also renting a shop. So I was like, how about you just move into my house? I stay at my dad's. You live in there with your family and you have a shop. And my uncle didn't want to do it. He's a very proud man.