Philippe
Appearances
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#2713 RHOP S9E17: RHOPooptomac
I'm not big of a – I like the Lakers, but I'm one of those people, man, that like I still root for the Clippers, you know, because they got to root for your stepson, you know. But I love the Lakers, man, and I don't really know who that person is, man. I'm sorry.
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#2713 RHOP S9E17: RHOPooptomac
no that's that's not exactly becoming a sports visa to stay in this country are you a dodger fan are you not i'm a dodger fan bro i threw out the first pitch i used to sell popcorns there um i insulted reggie jackson one time in um oakland california by mistake because i was too nervous to meet the greatest player of all time he goes i shook his hand and when he squeezed it
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#2713 RHOP S9E17: RHOPooptomac
The first thing out of my mouth to Reggie Jackson was, when I was a little kid, my father and I, we saw Bob Walsh strike you out in the World Series.
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#2713 RHOP S9E17: RHOPooptomac
I was 30 when I saw him, when I told him that. But I was a kid when I saw that.
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#2713 RHOP S9E17: RHOPooptomac
We got in this masked car, and I don't know who that was, my mother and I and my two other brothers. And we already passed the – we already passed gold, bro. We passed the border. We were waiting for $200, like Monopoly. But then we – halfway down, like by San Clemente, California, there was like –
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#2713 RHOP S9E17: RHOPooptomac
a border checkpoint that the sheriffs of um sacramento had they were like many men i guess but they were stopping the freeway and they were randomly stopping people we're already in america we're already in but then they caught us and they took the our driver i don't know who that was probably like a a mexican uber driver wild e coyote and um they let him go because he was american and they took us to a detention center
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#2713 RHOP S9E17: RHOPooptomac
My mom was separated from us, and then we just ate sandwiches and watched Bugs Bunny cartoons. And the next day, we walked to the gate, and we were back in Mexico. But the third time, the third time, my aunt, she dressed up my little brother like a little girl, and he was potty now. And we borrowed my cousin. We used my cousin's passport, and we got to America.
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#2713 RHOP S9E17: RHOPooptomac
Yeah, some people come out of the closet. My brother came out of the country.
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#2713 RHOP S9E17: RHOPooptomac
Yes, and I didn't know this. When we crossed the border and all that, my parents didn't tell us. They were not like a coach. They were not prepping us. They were like, all right, you're going to be a girl. You're going to be this guy. So we didn't know. We were innocent little kids, and my mom would just tell us, after school, don't talk to nobody. Just run home.
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#2713 RHOP S9E17: RHOPooptomac
Yes, and I just became a U.S. citizen three months ago. Congratulations. Yes, it is funny because my parents, they became U.S. citizens before me. It just took me a while. And I feel great, man. I feel like, I joke about it now, but I feel like now I can commit crimes without the fear of deportation. Congratulations. That was really holding me back from being an arch criminal, papi.
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#2713 RHOP S9E17: RHOPooptomac
I think I'm funnier in Spanish because I think in Spanish, but I speak in English. So when I went to Mexico to try out the Spanish, it was different from America, man. I realized that 3% of the words that I was saying here in America that are Spanish are not Spanish words. They're like stuff that immigrants have made up, man, over the years. It's like pochoir, but in Spanish, you know?
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#2713 RHOP S9E17: RHOPooptomac
Is it Spanglish? Like, what are you talking about? Like, sandwiching? Bro, it's like, I don't know how to say the word breaks. Growing up, like, fix my breaks. So we would just add a little, like, white people, when they don't know a Spanish word, they add an O at the end, you know? Like, your son has not done his homework, okay? Okay.
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#2713 RHOP S9E17: RHOPooptomac
you know so that's fair you know they're trying you know they're trying to blend in right but uh mexicans some latinos in the west coast we had a a s after every word or a e s in front of our ass like give me a sprite you know or fix my breakfast okay so at breaks well like what's break what does break become or was it breakfast that you were talking about you said breaks right breaks ended up being an as so fix my breakfast and when i said in mexico
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#2713 RHOP S9E17: RHOPooptomac
Show those silence, bro. Like, they treated me like I have blue eyes and blonde hair over there.
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#2713 RHOP S9E17: RHOPooptomac
I'm nervous because once it airs, I can't do those jokes no more because people are going to say, oh, man, he's doing the same joke on the special. So I got to hurry up and start writing new jokes. You got to hurry up. That's the hard part. Yeah. I can't be going out there. It's not like when you're a singer, man, and people want to hear Doja Cat. They want to hear her hit.
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#2713 RHOP S9E17: RHOPooptomac
They want to hear it over and over. They want to hear it, you know. But I can't do that. I got to go out there and. do some crowd work and come up with new material. Like, I have a bit where I say that I'm getting older, you know. I went to a doctor for a health checkup. He said, I'm going to need a blood sample, a urine sample, a semen sample, and a stool sample. I'm like, doctor, you're lucky.
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#2713 RHOP S9E17: RHOPooptomac
Yeah, I do, man. I don't want to go up there. Because I remember when my first special came out, I didn't know that you had to go write new material. I thought you could be like Rodney Dangerfield or just do the same material over and over. Hey, no respect. But there was people who knew, who loved my stand-up, who were in the front. And every time I talked, they were lip-syncing what I was saying.
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#2713 RHOP S9E17: RHOPooptomac
So they were talking with me. It was like a sing-along.
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#2713 RHOP S9E17: RHOPooptomac
Oh, man, almost impossible. Like, my father was an immigrant. He worked, like, 60 hours a week. My mom worked cleaning houses, and we were always home alone. And when I told my father, my father found out that I was doing stand-up comedy and not having a job and not going to community college, he was very upset, man, because he didn't – he was more upset because I think a lot of parents –
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#2713 RHOP S9E17: RHOPooptomac
When their kids have a wild dream or a wild career, they're seeing themselves in that position. Like when I told my dad that I was a stand-up comedian, he put himself as a stand-up comedian, and he got scared for me. Like, no, don't do that. Keep your job at UPS. One day you'll be a driver.
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#2713 RHOP S9E17: RHOPooptomac
Yeah, because it's already, what could Brown do for you?
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#2713 RHOP S9E17: RHOPooptomac
Oh, man, those guys were all bitter because they lost to a Mexican. And I ended up winning $250,000. But I should have told them, you know, on the bus, you know, if I would have been talking to them, hey, bro, I didn't really win $250,000. They got me for child support the next day. My baby mama ended up winning. She became the last baby mama standing.
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#2713 RHOP S9E17: RHOPooptomac
None of this came out. I'm nice to everybody, man. Everywhere I went. People were giving me stuff. There were people wearing my, it was hard for them because I guess they've been on TV before and they had TV credits, I guess. They're known in the East Coast. But me, I'm known in the West Coast. I've been doing stand-up longer than them, but they never heard of me.
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#2713 RHOP S9E17: RHOPooptomac
But I was building like an underground following. And I had a lot of jokes. And my jokes were short. I had no story. They were like, boom, boom, boom, punchline. Like, I had a joke where I said, I met a woman last night. She said, I'll sleep over at your house, but we can't have any sex. I said, all right, tomorrow morning we'll have breakfast. You can't eat no food. Boom, you know?
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#2713 RHOP S9E17: RHOPooptomac
And I said that, well, the police pulled me over. They asked me, do you have anything inside illegal? I looked at my cousin. I ran. Boom. You know, I had a bunch of butt slides, bro. I was like a Muhammad Ali, bro, ropey rope with jokes. I love the boom like you're boxing. My father was a boxer. My grandfather, they were boxers, bro. They used to box tomatoes, grapes, oranges in California. Yeah.
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#2713 RHOP S9E17: RHOPooptomac
Oh, man, go watch Raging Fool on Netflix. Watch it a bunch of times. Cut up the clips. Put them up on TikTok if you want. You know, bootleg it. Do whatever you want with it. It's all for you, man.
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#2713 RHOP S9E17: RHOPooptomac
Thank you for having me, man. Let's go Dodgers. Also, I'm a big Raiders fan, even though we're over a decade.
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#2713 RHOP S9E17: RHOPooptomac
Oh, yeah, man. We could have the Pete Carroll, 10th Pete Carroll. We still have the same team, though. Yeah, that's part of the problem. We are over a decade, bro. You got to understand, bro, you got to be a team that shows up and ready to play every Sunday. The fans are more prepared. Look at the way they're dressed. They're cross-dressing. They're wearing black and silver.
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#2713 RHOP S9E17: RHOPooptomac
I mean, we're the only fans that have a wave with a boo in it.
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#2713 RHOP S9E17: RHOPooptomac
Yeah, man. The Dodgers, man, we're the best. People say we're cheating, but we're just L.A., bro. We're the best.
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#2713 RHOP S9E17: RHOPooptomac
Bro, you know, like back in the day, the Yankees had all the money and they won all the World Series. And I'm just sad because I remember when the Braves had the best five players in the league and they never won a game because they couldn't afford to get hitters.
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#2713 RHOP S9E17: RHOPooptomac
The Angels didn't want to pay them the money, bro. They didn't want to get rid of Trout. Yeah, $2 million. They want to keep Orange County all wide. They don't want a Chinito in the team.
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#2713 RHOP S9E17: RHOPooptomac
They're going to go back, bro. The owner is Mexican. He's going to change the team. The owner, he's the first Mexican, bro, to have white people out in the fields.