Paul Rudd
Appearances
SmartLess
"Ted Danson"
Yeah. Scotty and I, I know Jason loves this Kathy and Rita's section of the show. I do. But...
SmartLess
"Ted Danson"
Okay, good. So, Scott and I, we're doing our will and testament, you know, like you have to fill out, you have to do the icky stuff. Oh, my God, that sucks. So, congratulations, you guys. It's all going to you. We're in?
SmartLess
"Ted Danson"
Of course you said that. Of course you said that. Hey guys, good luck with this. That's really funny. Wait, did I ever tell you guys?
SmartLess
"Ted Danson"
Yeah. Tell me, Jason, stop me if I said this on the show before, but I once went to, and Will's like, stop. I once went to, I had an audition for, to play like a dental assistant. So I needed a white lab coat. Cause I was like, I'll dress the part, right? It was for commercial. And at night I was doing sketch comedy in this theater and that we would kind of rent out at night.
SmartLess
"Ted Danson"
But during the day it was a massive acting class, right? And with like 200 people in the class. And so I was like, oh, on the way to the audition, I'll just run and get my prop, my little white jacket to go to the commercial audition at the theater. I had no idea it was being used during the day. I walk in and I open the door in front of 200 people and a guy's teaching the class. And I was like,
SmartLess
"Ted Danson"
And the guy, it was just, it's stupid. But, you know, you have to go in there and you sit in this, you know, conference room with the guy, with this, you know, estate lawyer. And he goes, I said, I go, so wait a minute, let me get this straight. So if I die, and I was doing like before and then after. So I go, if I die, he goes, I'm going to stop you when you die. Go ahead. And I... I love that.
SmartLess
"Ted Danson"
Oh my God. Oh my God. I was so embarrassed. I was like, I'm so sorry. I do a show here at night. And then he was like, it's already too long of a story. He's like, what do you need? And I was like, I just have to get some. He's like, well, be quick about it, you know, and go get your thing, whatever you need. I was like, so sorry.
SmartLess
"Ted Danson"
So I go in the back and I'm rustling through and I'm making all this noise. And he's like, can you please be quiet? I'm teaching a class. And I was like, I'm so sorry. And I keep going and I'm making more noise, more noise. And he goes, are you for real? I go, why don't you act like I'm not here? And I got my stuff and I ran out. They all fucking hated me.
SmartLess
"Ted Danson"
Yes, thank you. Good story. You have this crazy ability, I know off the top of my head, all of the hits shows that you've been on. And so you have this crazy ability to- Name them. You just said it. So name them.
SmartLess
"Ted Danson"
Obviously Cheers. Becker. I remember Becker. I remember, well, Good Place. You did, I remember Creepshow. I remember CSI. You were on CSI. Which was very damages. Damages. Like you've done so many like hit shows. It's unbelievable. By the way, I did audition for Ink, which was a short-lived sitcom. I did not get the part. Wow.
SmartLess
"Ted Danson"
And I was like, wow. It's coming for you. Yeah. I'm sorry, when you die. Go ahead. And I was like, Jesus.
SmartLess
"Ted Danson"
But how do you, do you, is there a process by which you have like a filtering system? A filtering system for how to pick the right project? Because you seem to always do that. The trick is to spend all your money so you have to go to work.
SmartLess
"Ted Danson"
It just needs to be— Look, for every ice cream sandwich you eat, you just got to run an extra mile or something. Yeah, there you go.
SmartLess
"Ted Danson"
Wait a minute, Ted. Wait, I was looking through your earlier credits and I see that you did an episode of BJ and the Bear. That sounds like something right up my alley.
SmartLess
"Ted Danson"
Uh-oh. Some Jake Gyllenhaal movie years and years and years ago. I can't remember. Well, isn't it? Yeah.
SmartLess
"Ted Danson"
We were talking about that in the meeting with the estate lawyer, you know, Will guy. And he goes, I said something, you know, came up with like the health initiative, like, you know, I forget what it's called, where you can pull the plug or not, you know. And he goes, you know, you just got to make sure like if you're in a, if you have a feeding tube or something.
SmartLess
"Ted Danson"
It must have been wild, Ted, to watch the evolution of Woody Harrelson from getting the part and starting out at the end of the series to what he had become as a human being and as an activist and as everything, as a movie star. He's a wonderful actor.
SmartLess
"Ted Danson"
I do think it's funny. I do think it's a very funny thing in this town where I won't say who it is, but I ran into a person that is known in the world. Male or female? Because I'll guess it. Female. And she said... I've got it. I said... I said, hey, what's going on? She's like, have you ever been to her house?
SmartLess
"Ted Danson"
And it's like, if anybody from Chicago, where I'm from, you know who's been inside of your house.
SmartLess
"Ted Danson"
Anyway. You know, I was looking at a lot of heads. Here we go. Fucking here we go.
SmartLess
"Ted Danson"
And I go, I would hook up a feeding tube now. Sure you would. Sure he would. It's such a shortcut.
SmartLess
"Ted Danson"
I was looking at Ted's credits and I was like, and you tell me, you stop me when you hear something that you might want to know more about. He was on Help Me Help You. I remember that. I remember that show. He was on Heist for two episodes. He was on something called Bye Bye Benjamin. Then he was on Knights of the South Bronx. And then our front, Was there one in there you want to know about?
SmartLess
"Ted Danson"
All right, there's a show called Help Me Help You, and then you did Heist, and then you did a show called Bye Bye Benjamin.
SmartLess
"Ted Danson"
And going to town. Yeah. By the way, a trough of just all your favorite stuff would just be incredible. It would be incredible.
SmartLess
"Ted Danson"
With my mouth just hanging on the bottom. That's what I'm saying. I'm going to have Maple draw that. Please, just the design of it, the engineering of it.
SmartLess
"Ted Danson"
So, hey, guys. Hey. Hey, Sean. Hey, hi. What city are you in? Everybody's been traveling so much. Where are you at?
SmartLess
"Ted Danson"
Ted Danson, hello. I was just with Jimmy Burrows last night and Debbie Burrows, Scotty and I at the Hollywood Bowl. And we were talking about you just last night. And Scotty and I, every, like I would say, three or four years, we watched from the beginning to the end, no joke, every episode of Cheers, every several years, every episode, over and over.
SmartLess
"Ted Danson"
I ran out of Pop-Tarts, so this morning I made an English muffin. Oh, don't worry. We read the internet. We saw. You made an English muffin? On CNN, dude. What'd you stick in all the nooks and crannies? So butter, and then I made my own cinnamon, like, mixture. Cinnamon sugar mixture. Cinnamon and sugar.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart on Which Speech Is Free in Trump’s America | Paul Rudd
I'm sorry, John. I'm on this new medication.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart on Which Speech Is Free in Trump’s America | Paul Rudd
My perineum is on fire.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart on Which Speech Is Free in Trump’s America | Paul Rudd
LAUGHTER It's the telltale giveaway of an inflamed perineum. Do we think... Now, do we think it's... Do we think it's... Should I go first? You go first. Okay. We hear perineum, but we've also heard perennium. I thought you were going to say taint. The layman's term, sure. Don't denigrate the term. Perennium sounds like a... The poor man's perennium. A perennium sounds like a flower.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart on Which Speech Is Free in Trump’s America | Paul Rudd
You gotta throw your whole body into it.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart on Which Speech Is Free in Trump’s America | Paul Rudd
Transference. You felt it. You felt it. That's good acting. Or is it acting?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart on Which Speech Is Free in Trump’s America | Paul Rudd
You know the portrait of Dorian Gray? I have a painting in my attic. I call it my attic. My Attica. That is just a rotting, old, decrepit taint. And I also have one where it looks like a spaceship. It's called the Perennium Falcon.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart on Which Speech Is Free in Trump’s America | Paul Rudd
I have wondered this. Every commercial is for a medication. No question. Everyone talks about the perineum and how it's some sort of side effect. The other thing they also mention, which is in a way even more disconcerting, because they do it with kind of a cheery voice. It's talking about bloody or black stools.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart on Which Speech Is Free in Trump’s America | Paul Rudd
Yeah. I know. What's the giveaway? Oh, I think I might be allergic to this. Yeah, everything.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart on Which Speech Is Free in Trump’s America | Paul Rudd
Yeah.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart on Which Speech Is Free in Trump’s America | Paul Rudd
There is a thing that is so strange that we are so insistent on letting everyone believe they are sick in this country.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart on Which Speech Is Free in Trump’s America | Paul Rudd
No, but every commercial is one of these medicines. And my daughter, when she was little, You know, you just watch TV. It was unavoidable. You play games with your kids of like, all right, we're going to go through. We have to name. You have to come up with a food. We're going to go through A for like apple, banana, you know, cherries, whatever. We used to do. No, keep going.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart on Which Speech Is Free in Trump’s America | Paul Rudd
We used to do it. My daughter would be four years old and we would do it with medicines. She'd be like, Abilify. And I swear to God, we could make it through the entire alphabet. Four years old. Normally you skip X, but she's Zelljans. It's true. Right. Not a bit. That's really true. How many times are we going to do Zoivarax and Zithromax? Yeah. Xanax didn't even make the cut. God damn.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart on Which Speech Is Free in Trump’s America | Paul Rudd
Good old Anacin. Right. And it cured everything. I just remember as a kid, I think all we had was Anacin, Bufferin, Bayer. You know, like aspirin commercials.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart on Which Speech Is Free in Trump’s America | Paul Rudd
But how was your perineum?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart on Which Speech Is Free in Trump’s America | Paul Rudd
Yeah. Yeah, I do. I mean, I certainly feel older. My kids are older. They have their own lives. I mean, I'm sitting here, you know, getting nostalgic about the Abilify game as I'm talking about it. And... I see, you know, people with little kids. I'm like, I remember that.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart on Which Speech Is Free in Trump’s America | Paul Rudd
And... Yeah.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart on Which Speech Is Free in Trump’s America | Paul Rudd
Yeah. Oh, it's great. I mean, it's, you know, you always hear that, and that it's like, oh, every age is great, and it's true. Right. And it's an amazing thing. I was just in Australia, working in Australia, and my son was on break from school, and he came to Visit is the first time ever by himself and it was came to visit you in Australia.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart on Which Speech Is Free in Trump’s America | Paul Rudd
Well, I don't know. Have you found this to be the case? Because I certainly have. I think just as I get older, my world gets smaller. And as far as friends, I do have friends, but I'm not nearly as social as I used to be. I'm not on any actual social media. I never have been. So I do feel as if the world operates in a way that it's passing me by. I... It's like I sit alone with my books.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart on Which Speech Is Free in Trump’s America | Paul Rudd
I sound like a Simon and Garfunkel song. I am a rock. This is crazy. I'm going to tell you something.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart on Which Speech Is Free in Trump’s America | Paul Rudd
Talk about an oil painting.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart on Which Speech Is Free in Trump’s America | Paul Rudd
I don't... I get a thing that says, it's called Death of a Unicorn. I'm like, where do I sign it?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart on Which Speech Is Free in Trump’s America | Paul Rudd
I would love nothing more, John. I hope so, too.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Jon Stewart on Which Speech Is Free in Trump’s America | Paul Rudd
Huh.