Onnesha Roychoudhuri
Appearances
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Saving Graces
Because here's this moment where I spoke up and I was afraid that I would just be alone, but I was backed up by this whole crowd of strangers. And even though it was still hot on that train, and even though that song was off key, it's still one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard. Thank you.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Saving Graces
And even though it was hot and cramped and totally off-key, it was the most beautiful song I've heard. Thank you.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Saving Graces
So it's a cold, rainy November evening, and I am sweating profusely. And that's because I am currently entrenched in that very specific hell that is lugging heavy groceries on a subway to get home. Luckily, I force myself onto this crowded hot F train, but I find this coveted spot by the back doors. So I get there. I'm able to put my bags down and lean up against those doors.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Saving Graces
And I heave this big sigh of relief because I think I'm home free. But the next stop, this guy gets on the train. and he's holding a Bible in one hand and he just launches into this really hateful monologue. He starts talking about how some people based on who they love, they're going to hell. Other people based on like where they're from, what they look like, they're probably going to hell.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Saving Graces
I mean, this monologue is going on for a while. The basic gist though that I'm getting is that there are a whole lot of us and we're all going to hell. And my fellow New Yorkers and I, we do our job, right? Like we do our job of ignoring him. The problem is this guy, he is not following the rule.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Saving Graces
So like the unspoken rule is you get on a train car, you say your crazy shit, but you keep it snappy and then you like move on to the next train car down and then you say your crazy shit there. Everyone understands that this is the unspoken rule except this guy. He did not get the memo. He keeps on going and going. And the longer he's going on for, the more the atmosphere in that train changes.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Saving Graces
And I think a part of that might be because this was only a couple weeks after the 2016 presidential election. There'd been this uptick in hate crimes even around New York City, and these shared public spaces that I had started to take for granted would just be safe. It suddenly felt less safe. And in this moment, I really started to feel this deep need to do or say something to make him stop.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Saving Graces
And I know my fellow New Yorkers did too. There was one guy who just told him to shut up, but of course that didn't work. And the longer this is going on, the more the sensation, the closest thing I can explain it as it's just like this full body itch starts growing.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Saving Graces
But alongside this itch, this need to say or do something comes this really old mantra that goes a little something like, it's not that big of a deal. Keep your feelings to yourself. Don't make a scene. It'll be over soon. And this mantra is so familiar because it's been with me since I was a kid.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Saving Graces
See, I was that kind of kid where all through elementary school, my teachers would tell my parents, she's really well behaved. She's quiet. She's thoughtful. And it's true. I was really well behaved. But that's only because all of the not well behaved feelings, thoughts, the anger, the questions, the frustration, I mostly kept to myself.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Saving Graces
or I funneled it into these quiet private spaces like diaries. When I was a kid, I also used to go to Florida every summer to spend time with my mom's side of the family. And Florida meant a lot of really great things, a whole lot of rule bending. I got to stay up late, I got to eat a whole bunch of sugar, got to set off fireworks, but it also meant my Uncle Bill.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Saving Graces
Now, my Uncle Bill didn't believe in what he called mixed marriage, and because my father's Indian and my mother's white, He didn't approve. And what this actually looked like is he just never spoke to me. He didn't look at me. He didn't acknowledge me. And this made for some pretty awkward family dinners, at least for me.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Saving Graces
And there were a lot of things sitting across that dinner table from Uncle Bill that I wanted to say or do. I think mostly I wanted to grab him and shake him and just make him look at me, but I didn't do anything. Instead I sat there, maybe I closed my eyes and thought, It's not that big of a deal. Don't make a scene. It'll be over soon.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Saving Graces
I think I was afraid that if I actually expressed my feelings or ask questions, I wouldn't feel supported by those around me. And I would end up feeling more alone and alienated than I already did. And so that's kind of how it went every summer in Florida. And those feelings stayed there, but they became sort of like,
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Saving Graces
old furniture in a familiar room, so that I was aware of them in as much as I moved around them, but that was about it. It was just there, fading into the background. The real problem is that that inability to express my feelings when I most wanted and needed to followed me into adulthood. And I'm going to give you just like a snapshot of what that looks like.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Saving Graces
So I'm in my early 30s, and I am hanging out with a good friend of mine who I just so happen to have a massive crush on. And I know I need to tell him my feelings for him. And so we spend this amazing day together. You know, it's coming to an end. He walks me home. We hug goodnight. He turns to go. And I'm like, okay, now's the moment. Don't let it go by. So I say, wait. And he turns.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Saving Graces
And then I watch as though outside of my body as I go in for a high five. Yeah, so I gave my friend a high five instead of telling him that I had feelings for him. So all of these moments from my past are just like running in my head as I'm still on that crowded hot train. It's like the world's shittiest, this is your life movie montage.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Saving Graces
And I feel convinced that if I do not do something in that particular moment, I'm just going to be condemned to repeating these moments. And I don't know, probably dying alone. Like all of that is happening in my head. And so I get this idea. And as soon as I do, this younger version of me is like, oh, there's no way we're doing that.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Saving Graces
And so I know I have to get ahead of this younger version of me. So I just look at this guy who's still hateful monologuing and I'm like, if you don't stop talking, I'm gonna start singing. Which as soon as I said out loud, I was like, oh no, now I actually have to do it, because I said I would.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Saving Graces
And so of course he keeps going, and I start singing, Row, Row, Row Your Boat, because it is literally the only song that I could think of in that moment. And I was really hoping it would come out like strong and powerful, even though it was kind of a silly song, but it was just like, I'm not a great singer, so it was just kind of like weak, sad and weird.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Saving Graces
Um, but I'm like, okay, you, you gotta commit. So I'm singing. This guy looks at me and he, it's like pity. Like he pities me. And I'm like, oh God, how is this going to end? This is going to be bad. But I, you know, I'm like, I committed to this. I got to keep going. I get through like a couple rounds of row, row, row your boat on my own.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Saving Graces
and then I lock eyes with this kid who's in a stroller across from me and I notice he's clapping and I get to like merrily merrily merrily merrily and he starts singing and I feel such relief I'm like okay it's just you and me kid but we got this um but then the fact that he's singing gets his parents in the mix so then it's the four of us singing so this guy he has to get a little bit louder
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Saving Graces
Uh, I'm feeling a little bit better. And then I notice there's this other guy who's at the other end of the train. He's like in his 20s. He takes down his Beats headphones and he's like, oh, yeah, all right, I'm in. So he starts singing. This other guy who's like a divinity student who earlier had been like, have you even read that Bible to the guy? He starts singing.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Saving Graces
And before long, every single person pretty much on that train is singing row, row, row your boat with me. And that guy, he's trying to keep up with us and get louder. But it's nearly impossible because there are so many of us. We're singing and we're singing. I start to get cocky. I start rounds. We were singing row, row, row your boat in rounds.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Saving Graces
And this guy, as much as he's trying to match us, he just can't. And he gets off the train. We keep singing because it's just this magical moment in which like we've reclaimed the space without even having to address this guy directly. I can feel my face hurting because I'm smiling so big.