Nurse Blake

I'm good. Thank you so much for having me. Huge fan. Huge fan.

I think she needs to dump him if she didn't throw him out of the vehicle.

It's unforgivable. But you know what? It's fine because we're confident and we only care about our five-star listeners.

I have had it with paying for healthcare. Now I'm a nurse and it is so expensive. Like I feel so bad for patients when we're caring for them, we're saving their life. But unfortunately the hospital bill is so expensive. You're like putting people in medical debt and it's so sad and so unfortunate. I think it should be free.

We say that all the time. It's like the hospitals and these insurance companies, it's always patient over profit. And it's so frustrating. And it puts us nurses in this like dilemma of like, we care for people, we want to save them. But It's just so sad on the other end, knowing how expensive it is. And who's coming up with these prices?

Like who is putting the price tags on an MRI machine or these little plastic pill cups? Like whose job is that? I want to speak with them and give them a one star.

And you know what's bullshit? Many hospitals, especially hospitals I've worked at, actually have VIP suites. For these billionaires and famous people and members of their board. And it's like you want us to treat all patients the same, which is nurses. We do. But you're going to have a VIP suite like that's so fucked up.

Yes. No, I've had it. Don't put anything up your butt that shouldn't be there, but that specifically doesn't have a base to it. So- The patient I cared for, he came into the ER and you're like, what is that smell? Like that smells good. And then you're like, it smells like my living room. Like it smells like Hawaiian breeze. Bro put a Febreze can up his ass hole.

And every time he would clinch, it was like, just like a little Hawaiian breeze.

It's sprayed out of his ass. Even the doctor charted like Hawaiian Febreze can, you know? Okay. So shout out to Febreze.

I mean, are dildos that expensive? Like is Febreze cheaper? Is it a cheaper option? And there's a lot of things I say, like as a nurse, like I'll never be in a car without a seatbelt. I will never ride a motorcycle without a helmet. I will never put anything up my butt without a base on it. You know what I mean? Right.

I mean, granted, they're LED, so that's better for the environment, but still, it doesn't have a base.

Yeah. So I tour, I tour all over. And one of the questions I asked, because I'm like, you know, nurses have so much in common. And one of the things we have in common is we've seen things of our patients, but holes that should not be there. And I get it all the time. And it's not the big cities. Like you would think like New York city, like so kinky.

No, it's these small towns that have the weirdest shit up their butts. And definitely gerbils is one of them that, that keeps popping up. I have not seen it personally. But do you know of like a documented case? Like that it's real? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like it happened, like a live gerbil.

And I feel bad for the gerbil. I do too. Are you buying this at like PetSmart? So I bet like whenever there's like a middle-aged white man that just buys a gerbil from PetSmart, you know, those employees are like, I know where that's, whoever buys a gerbil at PetSmart without buying a cage with it, it ain't going to be good.

Same. Same. Gerbil advocate.

I may or may not have a hairy ass, but it doesn't need shampooed where a shampoo bottle is going up in there. Like, you know what I mean?

The first thing they say, these guys say, they're like, please, please don't tell my wife. And I'm like, OK, because, you know, these wives, they don't know about it.

They're super successful. Like, I'm not offended by it. Right.

Ladies, if you got a man who's MAGA or wears a MAGA hat, you need to go on Grindr and chat with your man there because that's where he's at. Your man's hooking up with people like me. However, I will never hook up with a conservative MAGA person.

And you ain't getting this. You would not get in this.

Go, go. It's booty hole dryness for me. It is. You ain't hooking up with me. You better go buy a hamster because you know what? But they are like, there's so many deal guys still today. And you know what? With the whole, I think MAGA movement. I'm even, you know, I've been single for two years. I've talked to many different, you know, people, especially online on Grindr.

And people are afraid to come out again. Like people are scared to come out. And it's so unfortunate and it's so sad. And I was someone, I went through, my parents sent me through gay conversion therapy. Oh, really? What? From when I was 15 to 18, I was in gay camp.

Florida. Florida.

Actually, no, actually not. My parents were not religious, which is so weird.

Just, they were, they went, once they found out and it was my cousin who outed me to them when I was 15 and I won't name her, but her name is Brittany. And so she outed me to my parents. And the next day they, my mom grabbed, she, she came onto my high school campus, grabbed me from lunch and I was started going to the Christian school.

I was there until, um, they, they kicked me out for being gay and then gay conversion therapy.

Oh, so gay, but are now straight.

You know, like now I'm straight.

Spill it. Sending me to gay conversion camp with over a thousand gay guys was a dream come true. Because that's where I learned some of my best- I learned some of my best tricks at gay camp. So thank you, mom and dad. And they got no refunds.

It was all over. So it wasn't like you would go all the time. It's not like people would live there, but it was more like a big conference that, that all that. Orgy.

And I was like the youngest person there. So I had a bit of minor, it was a minor, big minor attack.

That makes perfect sense. It's like, send me back. Send me, send me back.

I did. I was probably one of the youngest ones there, to be honest. Most, most everyone else was pretty much an adult, but, but so sad. And I still have connections with a lot of people that were subject to that. And it's, it's, It didn't hit me until I was in my 30s, like the PTSD and trauma I had from that. I suppressed it. I do comedy now, so I would always just kind of make fun about it.

But it really hit me. It was really up until last year. It was really bad where kind of that all came out and I was in intense therapy. But it's still legal in some states.

I've known some people that it was led there. So I've had it with gay conversion therapy camps.

It is evil. And it's like these straight older white men that are allowing these things to happen. Why are you so obsessed with us? Why are you so obsessed with gay guys? Like get the fuck out of here.

Yeah. I mean, I don't know why they're so obsessed with us. Get a life. Go read your Bible. I mean, do something. Jesus. I don't know.

Oh, yeah. Let's do it.

I've had it with web MD. Like even as someone who's in healthcare, you know, when I get like, Oh, a little headache, you know, you're like web MD. It's like brain cancer. It's like you type something. I got a runny nose. It's, you know, AIDS, you know, it's just like, what is going on? Like shoulder, like dick cancer, like stage six, like No.

Why are you coming to us if you know all the answers? Right. You know what I mean? Like, why?

I think you're onto something there. I think we need to open one.

They probably didn't even graduate college or high school, probably didn't graduate high school. And they know so much more than everybody else. And the fact that we don't listen to scientists anymore or healthcare professionals and that we're backing out of the World Health Organization. Oh my God. It's terrifying. It's not good. It's not good. It's scary.

Hit it, hit it, hit it. I actually go on a ship with, I put together a nursing conference on a ship with over 3,500 nurses and it's sick. It's so much fun.

Well, you went to Alaska, which is a bunch of, you know, mostly geriatric. No, it was. That's true. On that cruise ship. I know. And you were with your grandma. I promise you there's so many people that are like cruises that have been on all like four of our trips and they love it. It's so much fun. No kids. Also, no kids on our cruises.

Oh, hit it. We also bring drag queens on Nurse Con at Sea. I love it.

It is, yeah.

It's really fun. So we bring on drag queens.

So happy. You know what? We actually did an event in land last year. It was in Orlando, Nurse Con Orlando. And because of what our governor was doing, we almost couldn't have the drag queens there. And I said, if you pull drag Queens, I will shut down this car. Like it would not be good.

And I, we, we fought it and we're able to have drag Queens there, but that was like the first time I'm like, Oh shit. Like this is, this is real, you know, their hatred towards the, the, the gay community.

I, as a nurse, I've only done, you know, I've taken care of adult trauma patients. I hate kids. I do not like kids. Like, fuck them kids. Like, no. So silly.

Oh, I had it, but I make fun of it all the time. These are, these are like, uh, these are the straight male nurses. Like I'm, I'm a nurse. Like I'm not, I'm a nurse. I'm a male nurse. And we love them because they help lift all our patients. They're typically like our work husbands. Nice. And so I love the straight male nurses out there. They are great. They're always bald.

Like they're always like, you know, like five, nine, and they always have like an ex wife, but they are the best. They are. Love you so much. They have an ex-wife. Are they like bodybuilders? They're like, they're like, you know, five, they stand like this. And they, you know, their stance, cause their balls are so big.

They don't fit in their scrubs and they, you know, they, but they're so great. And I always ask during my shows, I'm like, is there a straight male nurse in the crowd? And they're always bald. They always have an ex-wife. So everything I say is evidence-based. Like this is science. This is research.

I do. Okay. So we call it like the man flu, like these guys, they have like a little runny nose. And it's like they have, you know, stage eight cancer, like they're dying. I have mostly worked in trauma. I've been in our seniors. And so I also was married, not anymore. Asshole. And we always get the man flu. And I wouldn't care because I'm like, listen, I do trauma.

If you're not bleeding out, lost a limb or dead, like what am I going to do for you?

$200,000.

Yeah. Cash pay only. No insurance. Exactly.

Done.

Well, thank you so much. Shout out to all the amazing nurses and the amazing patients out there. We love you so much. I know it's a hard world to get care and most nurses work short staff. So we're always overworked, but we, we, we tried the best that we can to give you the best care that you deserve. So.

Wherever. You can find me on Tinder. You could find me at Grindr. You could find me at your local hospital. You can find me Facebook, Instagram, TikTok.