Narration / Scene Description
Appearances
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
Fran continues to search for the source. Bernie follows her, making her case.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
Fran turns around slowly, lips now straight out of Kylie's syringe. She is holding up a huge tub of Arachios oil.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
Fran and Bernie re-enter the interior living room continuous. They see everyone shuffling out. Bernie grabs her coat and is almost out the door when her sister stops her. Bernie is left behind watching her family load into their car as they try not to die. Interior, Bernie's bedroom, converted garage, hours later.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
On the moving walkway, we meet our hero, Bernie Gold. The neon lights turn blue and white, creating a halo of Jewish light around our lead. Bernie is a mess. Her Spirit Airlines uniform is untucked and unwashed. With zero fucks to give, Bernie takes a massive hit off her vape. As she exhales, our title slaps. The Jew Who Saved Christmas.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
Now in her PJs, a giant Hanukkah hoodie and tighty-whities, Bernie lies in bed watching TV. A Christmas commercial where a gooey chocolate chip cookie is pulled apart makes Bernie perk up.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
Bernie is covered in flour dough as she mixes cookie dough and searches the cupboard.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
Not finding the goods, Bernie thinks and then spots the kitty gelt on the table. Light bulb moment.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
Smash 2. Edgar Wright-style inserts. An underwear drawer flies open. Miracle gelt is snatched. A chocolate coin is smashed with a meat tenderizer. Cookie dough is spooned onto a sheet and shoved in an oven. A window flies open. Bernie fans out potent smoke. Ding! Cookies are ready. Interior living room, later. Bernie plops onto the couch, holding a plate of edible chocolate chip cookies.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
She sets the cookies aside and clicks on the TV. Adam Sandler's Eight Crazy Nights starts.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
Bernie yawns and rubs her eyes. Seconds later, she's fully conked out, mouth open, drooling. Time lapse. Breaking the sound of white noise and snores is an eerie creaking not coming from doors. Scuffling and sleigh bells are heard from the roof. The clatter continues till we see the proof. Soot wafts out of the fireplace, and we introduce Santa in all of his grace.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
He has the perfect Coca-Cola claws, jolly red circular cheeks, tiny gold frames that sit on the tip of his buttoned nose, and the kindest blue eyes you've ever seen. Santa puts down his big red bag and spots the cookies. He makes a beeline for the baked goods and takes a bite. But as he chomps, he notices that something isn't kosher. Or rather, it is.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
His eyes snap to a menorah, a dreidel, manischewitz, latkes, unwrapped socks, a black annex, and finally... Bernie, who is now wide awake. Santa stares back at her in confusion until his list magically flies up. It smacks him on the hand, unscrolls, and floats before him. As Santa inspects the list, he sees the Check Twice boxes empty. He shakes his head and gives a belly laugh.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
Always Check Twice. Bernie, frozen on the other side of the couch, tries to reason with herself. dreaming santa inspects his list further oh kringle you're at the wrong house i'm stoned better get this nintendo next door tooth sweet but i didn't have a cookie she notices the half bitten cookie did i she did not but santa did it's about to go up the chimney when that shit hits
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
We smash zoom into Santa's eye and go on a galactic journey through candy cane fields and snowflakes galore. The snowflakes take the form of stars of David. A menorah rushes to the forefront and a loaned hand lights the first candle. Benjamin's floating head appears.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
We are sucked out of Santa's eye. He's a frozen statue, unable to speak or move.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
Santa's stoic. Bernie grabs a cheese knife from a nearby charcuterie and points it at Santa.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
Introducing the bane of Bernie's existence, Agent Gimble, a TSA agent who takes his job very seriously. His muscles bulge out of his uniform as he scolds Bernie.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
Santa has no reaction. Bernie stares at him nervously until Santa's scroll begins to glow and vibrate. The list magically presents itself to Bernie. She sees etch-a-sketched images of her neighbor Phil's von Trapp son unwrapping a Nintendo Switch. A flashing title reads, Undelivered.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
An error sign flashes reading, Wrong house. Jew. The list magically scrolls up and flies back to Santa, burrowing into his jacket.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
Bernie notices the cookie crumbs in Santa's beard and remembers he ate the edible.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
Bernie rushes to the fridge and fills up a glass of ice water, but when she tries to make Santa drink, it slops down his mouth.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
She dips her fingers into the water and splashes him repeatedly. Nothing. A gust of wind howled.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
Time jump. Santa's arms are now draped over Bernie's shoulders as she attempts to drag him to the door.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
Bernie props Santa upright. He balances for a moment until he slowly falls backwards and breaks the coffee table. Glass shatters and food flies.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
Bernie grabs Santa's belt to hoist him up and notices the buckle is actually a button reading, push.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
Bernie pushes the button. Suddenly, a magnetic force begins to suck Santa towards the chimney. Bernie, tangled up with Santa, becomes Christmas cocktail. Bernie, tangled up with Santa, becomes Christmas roadkill. She flies backwards. She hits her head on the ground. She's dragged, getting third-degree rug burns. Bernie claws at the rug, but it's no use. The rug goes with.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
In a last-ditch effort to save her skin, Bernie throws her arms out, stopping herself at the base of the chimney. After a brief moment of resignation, Bernie looks straight into the barrel for our first... Oi! Bernie gets sucked up the chimney. Bricks and soot explode out, destroying the living room. Exterior roof, seconds later. Santa and Bernie are shot out of the chimney onto the snowy roof.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
Bernie lands face down, ass up, looking like a Jewish schmuck. Santa has landed perfectly in the sleigh. Bernie gets up and takes in the sleigh's majestic glory. She runs her fingers along the cranberry paint and velvety upholstery. She travels down the reins to nine noble reindeer. Bernie's smile is ear to ear. This is real life magic.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
Bernie realizes Santa has passed out asleep. Drool city.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
Bernie attempts to wake him, but he's out cold. She takes a deep breath, climbs into the sleigh, and leans her head on his shoulders.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
Bernie turns to Santa's cheek, desperately whispering so close to his face.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
Bernie has taken Santa's lifeless arms and is waving them in the air. From the streets below, Bernie's neighbor, Phil, and his von Trapp son are walking home from caroling. They spot Bernie from afar with Santa and assume he's a decoration.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
Back on the roof, the sleigh's radio turns on. An elf's voice comes through.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
Bernie blows her vape smoke directly into his chiseled trap before walking away.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
Bernie looks at the dashboard, which is old school, meters and dials galore with confusing symbols.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
Interior Spirit Airlines counter O'Hare moments later. Bernie stands behind the check-in counter staring blankly at an angry customer, his overweight bag on the scale between them.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
Bernie spots a hidden lever under the dash with a symbol that looks like Santa on a roller coaster.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
Bernie, a nerve-struck, sits back from the lever... Bernie flips off the radio and has an epiphany.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
Bernie turns to an asleep Santa as she continues to hunt down her theory.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
The customer wipes away the spit that landed in his eye. Bernie leans over the counter.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
Unbelievable. The angry customer digs through his bag and slams the bottle on the counter.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
Bernie turns to Eve, her best friend and festive co-worker. Eve's joyous, direct, and is a firm believer of fate. As Eve lugs heavy bags onto the conveyor belt, Bernie gooses her with the bottle of wine.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
Bernie reaches under her side of the counter and pulls out more contraband, this time absent. I saw you confiscate that.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
Bernie unwraps her gift and her face drops when she sees that inside lies a flight attendant application.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
Eve slapsticks a checked luggage tag to Bernie's forehead.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
Bernie opens her mouth to argue, but stops herself, thinking.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
Bernie hops over the counter, grabbing her wine. You are so annoying.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
Bernie exits into the snowy night. Eve looks down at the left behind application. She shakes her head in disappointment. Exterior, streets of Chicago, early evening. Bernie walks down the magnificent mile, lit up with Christmas windows displays as her AirPods blast the score to Home Alone, interrupting her jovial jam or multiple texts from her family.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
Bernie takes out her AirPods and all is silent. She's suddenly calm, odd for a woman headed down an unlit alley. Bernie puts her keys between her fingers, strolling until she lands under a neon sign reading, The Kosh Kush. Bernie kisses her fingers before touching a mezuzah, which buzzes her in. Interior, The Kosh Kush, continuous. Bernie heads to the counter and picks up a displayed shofar.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
To the guys out there, it's a ram's horn used to ring in the Jewish New Year. A sign reads, blow me. Bernie follows suit. A long toot rings out, tequila! Through a beaded curtain enters Benjamin. Benjamin sports payas and a man bun. Think Jewish Dave Matthews.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
Benjamin and Bernie secret handshake over the counter. He slides Bernie a new cartridge for her vape.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
Benjamin points to a Framed Chicago Tribune clipping. The headline reads, Miracle of Frights, Hanukkah Party Gone Wrong, Oil Fire Burns Family Home.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
I got just the thing, my man. Benjamin ducks below the counter and pops back up with gold-wrapped gelt. Bernie inspects the tag.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
As Bernie pays and heads out, a customer blows the shofar in Benjamin's face. I'm right here. Interior, Bernie's parents' house, night. Jewish instrumental drops as we see inserts of Bernie preparing for the party. A blue tablecloth parachutes open. A gleaming menorah is set atop. Oil bubbles as potato latke batter splatters. Manischewitz flows down a tower of stacked coupes.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
Dreadles and gelt are spread out on the kiddie table. A Best of Barbara record spins. Jelly is squeezed into donuts. A Star of David necklace is secured over Bernie's throat. Interior, living room, later that night. Bernie beams with pride as her family enjoys her party. Looking spiffy in her blue dress, Bernie dances around gracefully, offering latkes from a tray. She lands at the family gossip.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
Bernie continues on, the tray leading her to Uncle Gary, a man who is mostly nose hairs.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
Bernie opens her mouth to reply, but her very pregnant and uptight older sister, Rami, answers for her.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
A knock on the door saves the day. Bernie answers, revealing carol singers. Bernie's neighbors, dressed in yuletide, immediately burst into song.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
The Jew Who Saved Christmas Written by Selina Warren and Marissa Reed Episode 1 Interior O'Hare Airport, Chicago, early evening The airport is bustling with holiday excitement. O'Hare Hall is decked out with boughs of holly. Red velvet bows hang festively. Light-up turtle doves float below the skylight ceiling where snowflakes dance to carols playing over the loudspeakers. It's Christmas Eve.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
Bernie's scream makes the carol singers abruptly stop. Phil, Bernie's Ned Flandry's neighbor, rests his hands on his von Trapp-looking son's shoulders.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
They start to sing Mary, did you know, as Bernie slams the door in their faces. Interior, living room, later. The family is gathered around as Bernie lights the menorah. Everyone sings the prayer.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
Everyone claps and celebrates. Bernie's mother, Fran, pinches Bernie's arm.
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
absolutely beyond wow you can't let me have one compliment without but rami's not the only one clearing her throat bernie looks around as her family erupts into hacking fits hives itchy palms and swollen faces
Table Read
The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
Fran takes off into the interior kitchen, continuous. She opens cabinets, drawers, and bags as Bernie shadows her.