Mike Owens

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I was in charge of, it was like Nike stuff, active.

Yeah, hey, how you doing? Anything I can help you with today?

Uh-huh. Sorry, sir, we don't carry 6XL. And you have a hole in your pants, a mustard on your shirt. We're going to have to ask you to leave. I want to talk to your manager. Well, it's my brother. He's on his way. He's not going to be a fan either. He don't like me. Was he your manager? No, he was at another store. He was in the manager training program. Yeah.

Sure. But I remembered the guy said to him, he's like, you're not rewarded in retail. Don't be the martyr. Like, don't stay – like, he was like, he's working like 15-hour days and this and that. You're not getting paid for it. Like, just – like, you're trying to solve the – you're trying to win the battle every night. They don't reward you.

That was a boot cut. I was banging back in the day. He said, a boot cut's on you? Don't better believe I had some of them. More of a husky band. I think 505s were the button fly, maybe. 501s were the original.

But that was like straight, like that's when they all started banging. Skinny started getting a little slim. It wasn't skinny yet. It was slim.

5.11s? 5.11s were skinny, I think.

Tight little body on them. Running around. We're just reliving the glory days of how hot you were, apparently. Guy, give it up. That's like me talking about how good my hair used to be. What are we doing here, bro?

Why don't you try to get back in a pair?

No.

But you would walk around and help. Like, yeah, hey, what do you need? Whatever. And at the end of the night, you had to make sure all your stuff was... Right. Dunzo. You know what I mean? That fucking sucked. That was the first place I worked where they searched me on the way out. Jesus. You had to get searched on the way out to make sure you weren't stealing. I'm like, guy, it's me.

Pair of jeans up your asshole? You know what I mean? Holy shit. But you also had a lot of the retail places. If you were out there, if you ever worked retail, like, ring it up. You have to ask, hey, do you want to open a credit card? You don't want to open a Boscov's credit card. You want to open a Macy's credit card, a Best Buy credit card. You want to ruin your life? That was the big thing.

And also, you had to circle, sign, and say. You had to circle your name. Circle the website. Say your name. Circle sign. Hit the survey. And hey, if you like what you want, hit the survey. I never did that. I'm a guy. I'm fucking. Guy with the pepperoni breath was really helpful. That's actually a carbonara. That's what it was. Chicken carbonara sandwich. Without mushroom. With no mushrooms.

I didn't know what carbonara was. I thought it was a carburetor. That's a guy. I don't know what kind. No mushrooms. I remember they gave them to me one time. I sent it back. I'm allergic to these. I can't have them.

Winner in 96. That's how you doing. No, okay. First of all, you were a seasonal employee. That's trash. Okay? I was full time, dog. Yeah, they brought me in when they needed me. I was banging in the summertime. I was a model.

I was just shopping with my wife the other day, and she was not getting stuff, and I... The woman went, just put it here, like, out of the fitting room. And I didn't like doing that because that just piles up. I go put it back. I'm going to go hang this up for you. I'm going to go put it back.

You just can't, like, pile up on top.

I get it. Yeah, it's just not for me. They tell you to do that. I get that. They tell you to do that. I just, as a guy, I didn't know people did that. I didn't know that was like a rule. And, like, the fifth day, I went in, and there was, like, a fucking six-foot pile of clothes. And I thought I was on my way out. I thought I was clocking the fuck out. I go to check to make sure no one's in there.

And there's, like, fucking 150 pieces of clothes I got. Oh, I was so pissed. I remember calling my brother. Fucking cockamamie company, you're running here. Fucking animals. All right, let's see here. This one's from Toddy Fick. Just say you're out getting... This is setting the scene. You're out getting new shoes with your mom as a kid. I'm with you.

Is she having you walk and run up and down the aisles to make sure they fit? I distinctly remember treating Payless like the combine.

I mean, they were so concerned with it. Come here. Fucking thumb just. Brandon, you. Dude. Goddamn fucking break my foot. I remember one time I was too old.

I was older, not too old, but I was old, and I was getting rollerblades for hockey, and we were at the Sports Authority out there on Route 1 by Oxford Valley Mall, and there was this nice, I forget what they were, like a good set of Bowers or something, like a little heightened, not like recreational. They were like roller hockey skates. Recreational.

And I put them on, and I was rollerblading to check, and I thought I was real fucking cool. And my mom's like, you're really good. I'm like, yeah, no big deal, dude. I was skating backwards and shit. Dude, I was over by the canoes and stuff. I was showing up. You fell into a bunch of coolers. I'm in the golf section. What's up, pussies? I was like, I remember being like, man, you are good.

Nah, at that point I was going to fucking, I was going to Quiznos getting that chicken.

Yeah, there's probably some scouts out here who are going to see me inside.

I got 50 bucks and you don't get me, pussy.

You're up on the top rope, fucking.

Man, your shit looked tight. That was like that portable. That was like a seat. So he would sit on it, right? I think that was for the salesman. He would sit on it, lace you up, put you in. Then you could walk. You go back and see. Yeah.

That was the first time it had like real tangy sauce on a sandwich.

I never knew it. Yeah. There it is. Wait, that opened in 1991. What did? Phil's Family Shoes, Crossroads Plaza. Grand opening. It took out a whole page in the Philadelphia Inquirer. Are they still popping? Nah, that closed. You can win 76ers tickets.

Got a pair of Rock Ports at the house.

Very much so.

I wore them all the time. This one's great. This is from Joey Bag of Donuts. $10, homie. I used to work overnight at the flagship L.L. Bean store in Maine. It was open to customers 24-7. Oh, my God. My main job was to chase out teenagers who would hook up in the tents. Damn. That's a place to go fucking canoodle with your gal pal or your guy guy. Flagship L.L. Bean?

That thing was wild. It was like not a chicken pesto parm. It was something like that, man. It wasn't a kale salad. It was not. That and a couple of fucking chocolate chip cookies. A couple of two-tree heaters. I'd go back and sell you the shit out of a pair of fucking Nike swim trunks.

Got family up there. That's all right. I mean, one... Weird job. You know, chasing out teens who were smooching, whatever. That could have been the main response. They didn't hire him for that.

L.L. Bean's a great company. I always loved those. I still like those. More outdoorsy stores. We don't run into them a whole bunch here. Love an REI. Love going in there. I just like functional gear. Let me look at this. Because you go into those stores, they go, oh, they have the thing for that one thing. You know what I mean? Like, oh, I have this task or this bangs on my whatever.

You go, oh, here's the thing. I love that.

Cartman. Garmin. Garmin.

You'd get a Cartman watch.

Remember when carabiners hit? Sure. Sure.

uh all right this one's from josh uh is it garbage i don't go to my local mall anymore because they got rid of annie ann's pretzel shop p.s they got another pretzel shop called rogers pretzels and it can kick rocks i respect that dude fuck that yeah get eyes on rogers pretzels that's that might be a standalone guy i've been to a lot of malls and dining this i ain't never seen rogers pretzels annie ann's all day what do you got on rogers

Oh. Mr. Rogers pretzels? That's got to be some sort of trademark infringement you would have. Probably pretzel twists. Those braids.

That's the last. That and the Cinnabon. Yeah, they're like roaches. They'll survive the nuclear blast.

Never got us.

What was the first – for us, it was Clover was the first department store – Not mall departments. I guess it was kind of relatively connected to a mall.

Yeah, I was a big retail man. Everybody knows that. My days at Macy's. I was a model. Stop saying that.

trauma this one was off street off street road shout out street road it's then it turned into a value city than an office max i believe uh or a staples but it used to be connected to a very small mall that was dying there it was always empty wasn't the leo mall was further down on bustleton this was like the roosevelt mall i forget what the fuck it was called um

See if you can look up Clover Street Road, Feasterville, PA, and see what mall that was. We would go skateboarding in it as, like, young teens. Inside? In the mall because it was so close. There was, like, a Jamba Juice, but, like, a knockoff one at the end. That was it. That's probably awesome. I always wanted to do shit like that. I remember the whole mall was small, like, Mediterranean tiles.

So we'd go, like, as you went. They weren't, like, the big smooth tiles. Damn. Yeah. I don't know what that is. Clay tiles or whatever?

Can you see what mall that was connected to, though?

Was that the case?

Yeah, she had a Strawbridge's card. Put it on my Strawbridge's card.

That might have been the Bucks County Mall.

Shout out to the Bucks County Mall. Let's go. Kitty City.

Of what?

Of the clover? Yeah. Yeah. So we'd go right to the clover.

We'd go right into Clover, bang a right, snack bar, right there. She'd lace me with a hot pretzel out of the machine and a Slurpee. Icy. Icy, red and blue. Sure.

Polar bear. I'd be good in the cart for about 35 minutes, just fucking... Just eating my bite and sip at an early age with a slurpee and a pretzel ain't nothing better.

You had to keep staring. That was a thing I learned at a young age. You had to churn your own butter, as we call it. Sure. That's when I would start dipping the pretzel in there. But I'd be good as shit in there, and then she could get it done, and we'd get out. But I fucking love clover. That and then a Woolworths. Shout out to Woolworths. Woolworths was in the Chamonix Mall.

That was the first place I seen. I feel like those were like Marshalls and stuff. No, Woolworths to me. I mean, all those kind of stores, they just seemed chaotic. They had so much stuff, it seemed.

Hit it. pet shop, too.

Sure.

And then here we go. All right. This one's from Kip Van Winkle. I got a whole seer shut down, like rolled down gates and all as a kid hiding from my mother inside the clothing rack. Nice. I mean, that's obviously the real move. That is the best childhood move. Hiding in those clothes.

I remember getting, I forget what the fuck it was.

I can't recall. I remember it might have been a Kmart. I remember it vividly. And somebody took our cart in the store. Jesus. I think, like, a guy shot, like, a guy working there was like, oh, this got left or something, and he moved it. Somebody left their bald fat kid here. And my mom came back and was like, they took my cart. I'm like, yell, and we left. We left the store. Sure.

And I'm like, I thought we had paid for it. You know what I mean? And then I'm like, oh, that wasn't your shit. You know what I mean? You could have just put it back. You could have just got a new cart and grabbed everything and everything. Of course. Nah, she had to fucking rub it in my face.

Yeah, that's what... But not like when it went blue. Yeah, it was like hippie-ish. Yes. Yes, thank you. I'm explaining it before you cut me off. I apologize. Yeah, no, it was still like under... It was like those two hippies that started it. The owners were like... Fucking wacky, you know, fucking smoking the devil's lettuce kind of guys.

Yeah, they were hippie dippies. I remember doing a project on them. Let me find out. Gotta be. More than Patty. Sure. I'd love her.

That's not recognizing you. That's bumping into you. See, this is what you do, people. Recognize me. You're the kid that shit his pants at the Pizza Hut the other day.

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This is from Max. You ever rode a kid's bike in the store not as a kid? That was always a good time. I can't walk by one of those cages of balls without grabbing a ball and doing a little fucking bread and butter.

I mean, super occasionally. Yeah. If it was like... So she's fighting off a time bomb between me and Danny?

No, yeah, you couldn't use them. It wasn't like basketball. It was literally to throw in the house and break a lamp. That's what it was for. They pop so easily. Yeah. I love the smell of them. They're more for kids. My little brother would get them and have them or whatever, and you could fucking pelt him in the head with them, and they didn't hurt.

They didn't hurt, you know what I mean? So you could fucking really ping them one.

All in the back of Patty's hard work.

Yeah, they had – when they went blue and it was like the big – That's all I really remember. I only know the other version from like a book report. Retro shit, yeah. Yeah, business. Yeah, you had to do some sort of – I mean, they had a run.

I'm not saying you weren't in shape. But... There were people you knew you would see. Yeah. Recognize you means, hey, that guy's been on TV before. That wasn't you. I get to recognize you. Man, you're delusional. It was a modeling gig.

Some socks. See what they're hiring. Do you remember this? So my mall years were still prize. Your mall years were probably prime, too. I'm talking like for me, mid 90s. Malls were fucking, I mean, that was the hub. Buddy, mid-80s. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. That's for you, yeah. For sure. I think this was more 90s, though.

The theory, and then you would see from time to time, that stores would have real people as mannequins. Do you remember that? I think Abercrombie did. Certain places did it where they'd get the hot girls from the school or whatever. They might have worked there, too, and they would go put on, like, a dress and just, like, and then move positions every, like, ten minutes or something. Huh.

Yeah, me, too, with all your modeling experience.

You just had to wear a black suit and tie. Oh, you didn't have to wear the clothes from the store? That would be weird if I was dressed up in a Nike fucking warm-up outfit. That would be insane. Nike tech? Yeah. I'm in a pair of 501s and a Harley Davidson shirt. What are you talking about?

But the Gap only carries the Gap clothes. Right, right.

Nothing matches. Guys, if you need any advice on styling an outfit, just hit me up, obviously. Dress like a crazy person. I got to snorkel. Sitting on a washing machine.

You guys want to open up a credit card?

Holding a spatula or something like that. Yeah, I remember that was big. I also remember just like the malls. Because my brother and sister were going to the mall socially. When I was young, that was probably like 91, 92 they would go. Yeah, whatever, maybe 93. They'd get dropped off at the mall or whatever. Man, just like the circling of all the kids from all the different schools.

I remember one kid, he had these spikes, huge spiked hairs. Jesus. What?

No, he would just be at the mall. You would see him at the mall. We'd go to the mall once a week just to like, I don't know. One person out of a family of three between my mom, my dad, my stepmom, my stepdad. Somebody needed something. Somebody needed fucking something. Or just, oh, we'll go to the mall just to get out of the house or whatever. For sure. Kahuna-ville.

It'd be one thing if people recognized you from the modeling gig in school. Oh, you're the guy who sprayed my mom in the eyes with Curve. She has a bad rash now. You guys are pumping fucking knockoffs. Made my dog sick.

We went to Kahuna-ville in the auction rally mall. Oh, my God. Kahuna-ville. Shout out Kahuna-ville. See if you can get any eyes on that. That was great. Not like the Rainforest Cafe, but I think there was only a couple of them. It was like an independent shop. Permanently closed. Fuck! I had a birthday at KahunaVille. Couldn't tell me shit.

All right, this is about all just kinds of shopping. This is from Harvey. Never have one read. Hoagie here. Is it garbage to deny help from an employee even though you definitely need help? I do that. To deny? Oh, like you go in, hey, can I help you with anything? Now I'm just looking and really a question of, hey, do you carry fucking scuba tanks? No.

Yeah, I think certain, I think maybe like full-time employees at some point got commissioned. But, like, the part-time guy. My buddy did it when he worked at Foot Locker. Did not. Did not. But, like, you needed to sell. You needed to help. So, you know, they can tell how hard you're working by how many. That was the way it was explained to me. I could be wrong. Your name gets put in there.

Yeah, it's like, oh, you only helped three people today, whereas fucking Gary helped 100. Everybody said no. I'm just looking. Yeah, but you have to go get the shoes and footlocker. Yeah, I know. Yeah, that's true. You know what I mean? Somebody has to go get them.

Sure. They might work on it. That might be more of a commish-based. I don't think there's a lot of part-time after-school kids working at DXL. You know what I mean? That would be more Macy's, Target, Best Buy. And those kids, I don't think. They don't get commish.

That thing stains like you wouldn't believe. The wear and tear on that thing alone. Be good there. Sure.

I can tell. Really?

That's funny. That's got to be a lot on a 40-pound coat.

I mean, but 1%. To get any real juice off that, you got to be spending like 20 grand in there.

That's four bucks to that guy. Is that all it is? I tell you to go suck my dick. Come in here fucking making demands and shit. I'm going to make 450. No way. Is that what it is? 1% of 100 is a dollar. That's got to be 10%. Could be.

You got to be an earner. You got to be there a long time. You got to be Mr. D, X, or L to get 6%.

They don't need to. You're in there. You can't go nowhere. What, are you going to walk out the fucking DL? You need the X. You know what I mean? I'll go over to Urban Outfitters right now.

That guy owns a cheesesteak place. His dad started it. He's the son. All right. This is from Drive-In. Long time $10 dirtbag. Never had one read. Had a job at a big box store in high school as a security guard. Another kid from my school started working at the same place as a cashier. He immediately found out the override code and a list of codes for all the registers.

This was a time when starter jackets and jerseys were absolutely banging. I know where this is going. Me too. We would have kids from school. Hold on. This is a deep text. We would have kids from school come in at timed intervals, grab a stack of starter gear, and I would switch the cameras off the front door, off the sports section, then off the cashier at the right time. Jesus.

He would ring everything up. for $1 and they pay cash. There was never a trace of that person being in the store. The next day at school, these kids would give us like 50 to 100 bucks to split, never got caught, made enough money to smoke weed for free for a couple of years through high school. God damn, that is fucking diabolical. Yes, yes. That's Ocean's Eleven shit. Yeah, that's wild.

And this goes back to, like, listen, a lot of the times these big box stores, foot lockers, whatever, these mall retail places are hiring people You know, teenagers, essentially. Teenagers don't really give a... They're not morally like, I can't... They don't give a fuck about Mr. Blockbuster or whatever.

And they're... They get in there and they start seeing the holes in the fucking... In the system here.

That's sick. That's nuts. Somebody else said, I don't know if I took it, but they were just like... I currently... I work in a mall and they were like, just the... The ecosystem that goes through them all is crazy. Like I've said before, we used to do the two for 70 deal. You go in, guy at Foot Locker, you pick out two shoes, he gives them to you in a bag, you hand them 70 bucks.

I think he put 10 or 20 in the register, pocketed 50 or whatever. He'd ring you up for a dollar, whatever the fuck it was.

Someone messaged me that. No more light show at Christmas? I got to go back. I'm giving a big speech. I'm doing it for three dumb sandwiches.

All right, this one's for Mr. Bevilacqua, $10 man myself. Great name. There you go. Is it garbage to swing through your local malls, Macy's, on your way to a date to freshen up a couple layers of cologne samples?

Nah, but a kid I knew did it. I used to do it all the time. I never did it.

Maybe I'd do a spritz of hairspray. I remember being with you when we both did it. We're in there like we're in the fucking beauty parlor. Hey, Dottie.

I want to return this.

I don't know. I don't buy cologne. I'm not a fucking Italian. I love cologne. So just say it's $50, and you got one at home. So what are you going to, like, go? You can't make it home in time. There's a Macy's around the corner or whatever. What, are you going to go buy a $50 bottle of fucking cologne? Just go, okay, test this. You know what? Never mind.

Nice. This is just funny. This is from McKenna. Are you garbage if your mom puts Kohl's cash in your birthday card in lieu of actual cash? That's fucking great. Know about how to spend it, baby. I've never had that. I would say yes, that is trash. But everyone in my family, big Kohl's cash. Love it. All of it. I mean, Denise is probably sitting on fucking two grand or whatever.

It was like a chicken bake. Oh, man, whatever it was. It had mushrooms on it. I didn't like the mushies. I told him I was allergic. Get out of here. It had some fancy name like Monterey or something like that. It was something I had never seen before. Thousand Island Kippy. That and there was that Bar Champs right across the street and that Marriott.

I don't know how it works. Yeah, he's big on Kohl's. Man, I got it at Kohl's.

Man, Kohl's to me was, it took me a while to realize Kohl's wasn't, At the forefront of fashion. I thought it was. I so thought it was. I thought Sonoma, Arizona or whatever. Sonoma. I thought Sonoma was like, I'm like, you couldn't tell me shit. It took me a while to really realize. You know what it was? H&M for me. That's hot shit. That's cool guy shit.

That was the first time I'm like, oh, I can buy. I don't have to think. I can just buy stuff here, and it's $9. Great. And I'm kind of cool. That was the first time. Yeah. Everything else, I was just wearing hoodies and jeans, just whatever I could get my hands on.

Stinks. No good. Sure. Of course. They don't even do the clothes right, I would argue. Fair enough. That's just me. This one's from Ozempic, gold medalist, $10 bozo. One time I did ecstasy, went and got my haircut at the mall. It was the best haircut I ever had. Felt real good. I've gotten my hair cut at a mall before. Not my proudest moment. We did it on the road.

I want to say in Cleveland or something, which we'll be coming to. Haircuttery. Plymouth Meeting Mall. Sure.

I did the haircut. It wasn't in the mall, though, but shout out to a haircutter. All the broads I grew up with started working here. Of course. Cut my hair. Go in there. It'd be three or four of them. One of them wasn't great, and you had to slowly pivot to the other one. Hot tees. Love the way a beauty parlor smells.

Yeah. This one's a little crude, but, you know. It's from Antootie's Boner Garage. $10 bows are never ever had one read. Is a garbage J.O. in a produce fridge at Walmart? I was working at the department when I was about 17 and walked in on a co-worker tugging his root. I turned around and left immediately. Jesus. Yeah, that's fucked up. That's bad.

Yeah, but these are the people that are hiring for these retail jobs. The guy who wants to whack off in the freezer. I'm not judging.

I'm not saying I haven't pulled it at work before.

That laughing no is always a dead end. I haven't. No. I haven't. No. I might have watched a selection or two. Nobody goes on the lot unless you want to buy, big dog.

Who hasn't? This one's from Ron7. $5 goon and new to the Tron. Is it garbage to take photos of all the good recipes in a cookbook at a bookstore with no intent on buying the book? Man. I can't hate. I've never thought of that, and I can't hate it. That's brilliant. We haven't talked about bookstores. We haven't. Brentano's. What's it called? Barnes and Nobles. Barnes and Nobles.

I'd go in there and get my chicken tenders and Diet Cokes. Sure. Pick up a bunch of chicks after your shift.

What's the other one? Barnes and Nobles is the funniest video ever. There's Barnes and Nobles, and there was another one, another big one. Borders. Borders. I think Borders went under if I had to guess. Yes, they did. And Amazon owns Barnes & Nobles now.

I could be wrong. That's crazy. But, yeah, I mean, that Barnes & Noble, you know, we would go to that Barnes & Noble in Union Square to poop a lot. To poop and to sit. I remember one time. Because they had tables. Yeah, they had tables. You could go and get a cup of coffee, sit there. But the rest of the homeless people, I remember one time I had to go to the bathroom.

So it was you, me, you, and Tom. I think it was just maybe me and you. And you're like, I'll stay out front. And I'm like, I got to go. I run in. And me and this homeless guy are, like, rushing up the escalator, and I realize that he's also going to the bathroom, and he's got the angle on me. He's got, like, half a flight of stairs on me. Angle of pursuit?

And they're the small escalator, so you can't even pass them. Oh, man. So, like, you had to get up. And I'm trying to take him at the corners. It's like six escalators. That's kill or be killed. And he got there before me. And I had to come back down. You're like, you're done? I go, we got to find fucking. I probably went over that Whole Foods or whatever is right there. Yeah.

Nah, man, it was homeless galore.

I know, but you go to a nice suburb. We go to one in the burbs, nice suburban Barnes & Noble. It's quiet. It's like going back in time. You're walking around going, hey, can I help you find anything? It smells nice. They got the starbeezies going.

You know what I mean? I don't. I'm sorry. I've never been in there. More than anywhere else, I don't think. I don't think people are specifically bossing around Barnes & Noble people. I always got that vibe. I always felt bad for them. Yeah, I mean, maybe in the city, but that's a little different. I mean, you go to a nice, quiet suburb, they're like librarians.

I was in my dad's suit in Danny's old shoes. Ready for the funeral, Oma.

You should make a move on this. Take the show. Buy the show. We work for you. I've heard someone's up for sale. Also, if you're listening, Foley is interested in selling his steak. But you have $1,200 on you. Just saying. Um... This one is something I feel, speaking of retail, needs to be appreciated. This is from JB. I worked at a candy store right out of high school.

Business was constantly so slow, so I would sit at the register and watch Netflix. I made it through all of Prison Break, Sons of Anarchy, and Breaking Bad. There's something to say for those little stores that you walk in and it's just dead. And the guy, not that he doesn't give a fuck, but he's just going, eh. What do you want from me? Yeah, like, guy, take a look around. I'll ring you up.

I ain't holding your hand. How's a candy store dead? You know? Yeah, I mean, people aren't going to, I mean, I don't know. Outside the summer. You think? I don't know. What if it was in an industrial, I don't know, foot traffic? I had a lot of shit going on. That's the owner's problem. They think this kid's fault. Sure.

I'm just saying the fact that that is a great retail job where you're like, I'm just a body in this store so no one robs it. Right. And I'm just watching fucking whatever all day. I respect that. That is very fucking, that is very American. I'm just fucking here, dude. I'm collecting a goddamn paycheck.

Yeah. I don't know, man. I don't know how to work the system. Yeah, Randy's not here today. I can only ring it up. Yeah. All right, this is Snake with Arms. When I worked in retail, if someone ever asked, do you have any more in the back, I would go in the back to look. But in reality, that was a free 10-minute break, and I'd just tell them no when we came back.

Listen, that is a big – it took me for a long time – Would you ever have anything in the back? There was no back. Everything you see is out. People go, no, but like... Can you check? And I go... I didn't know that. I mean, that Macy's doesn't have a back. Like, everything's out. They're not like... Oh, you're sitting on... I mean, maybe some places, but that Macy's, everything's out.

You have a DXL in the back? Hey, this doesn't happen to be on top of a DXL, does it? Just get me a Cinnabon and I'll get out of here. Get out of your hair. Hey, buddy, I know you want to finish Sons of Anarchy here. Why don't you just give me half of that Cinnabon? I'll be on my way.

Yeah, there was no back, which we would do if I did like you. I could search other stores that had that product.

No. Well, if you need it. I mean, yeah, listen, if you want something that you're not like, oh, my God, I see that I need it. You're more. The only time I did that was for my wedding show. As Chris Cotton used to say, I'm getting so if I don't get to the point where I don't call them clothes, I call them fabrics.

They just rolled me right. Dude, I never told you this. I had to work until 8.15. I think they closed at 8. I had to work until 8.15. When was this run? We're talking about retail. We're talking retail. That's how you move product. Damn lighting and cheap fabric. When was this run? What do you mean run? When did you work there? When were you employed? Uh... This is in college?

Have a nice day. Fuck that. Yeah, we were never – the Macy's didn't have it back. I would check other stores if I liked it and was slow and just also kind of looking for like, ah, it'll just take two minutes. I remember one time they made me call up to here, Herald Square, because they listed – it's also like bad – I mean, you're tracking thousands of pieces through hundreds of stores.

So if it was like it's – I was just somewhere. What, did you have a database?

Yeah, it was one of those, like, fucking accessing Pentagon Codes computers. Like, green screen.

Maybe it wasn't like the Matrix, but it was a little like there was a bit of a screen to it. It was like a computer slash register.

So it wasn't like, you know, it was like I wasn't running fucking Windows 2000 on it.

But you could look up and you would see. Yeah. It would just go like you would scan something and you like tab over and go like other doors or other store, you know, inventory or whatever. Other locations. I would say we have none left or whatever. Right. Or you scan to go other locations, and they give you, like, Herald Square or Neshaminy Mall or Oxford Valley Mall. And then I remember one time.

I had a call up to Herald Square, and I don't know why they just didn't fucking hang up on me. I'm like, it says there's one of these, and whenever it says one, it don't exist. They got it. You know, anything under five, you're like, you're rolling the fucking, hey, if it's around a corner, I'd go, hey, you can go look. I don't know.

Maybe you can call and see if they can find them, but you can't trust these numbers. Sure. I called Herald Square, and I didn't know. I'm like, there's one. I remember being like, whoa, I am on the phone with New York City right now. Are there any movie stars in there right now?

We don't have a back here. Do you know how to gift wrap? Damn, they told you how to gift wrap? Shit, how much did they pay you? What time is it there? I think they're all millionaires. It's Tuesday here. What day is it there? Do you guys wear clothes? Are you in the future? Do you guys even wear clothes?

I remember being like, whoa, I'm in business. I'm calling New York City. Don't bother. We're just down here in Philadelphia, a little podunk town. Some kid would shave the eyebrows and an ankle monitor on. I remember the one girl went, how do I get to – I got the information. I go, they tracked it down. There's one or something. They're going to hold it. I'm like, hey, hold it. What's your name?

In Herald Square? She was going to drive up from Philly? This is like sometimes you get people from Philly that had never left Philadelphia. You know what I mean? And I'm like, yeah, they got one. I was like, there's one in Harold's. I might have said Harold Square. She might have not clocked it. It was New York. And then, or whatever. Kennett Square. She knew it was New York.

She goes, how do I get there? And I was like, lady, I don't like it. If I knew how to get there, I wouldn't be working here. I wouldn't be wearing my dad's clothes.

Okay, lady? Take me with you, will you? Get me out of this town. Now, if you don't mind, I have to go finish my chicken carbonara sandwich. No mushrooms. All right, we got to wrap it up. Sans mushrooms. You got to wrap it up, gang. Gang, we love you to death.

My brother got me the job. That's what dirt bags do. One gets in and he opens the door for the other. He was in the manager program, like the manager program at Bloomingdale. Of course.

All the clothes were dirty that I wore. I don't wear them. I've worked 5 to 8, 15. When was this run? Were you in college?

I wouldn't call them parties, but I did frequent a guy. That was hot. Smelling like Tom McCann's souls. I would go. I did show up to a couple of spots. Whoa. And I remember one kid was like, you look, we were out front smoking a cig. And I was a very no haircut haircut kind of guy. And my buddy Pat, not Pat of Pat fame, another Pat. He was like, you look good, man.

Why don't you do something with that hair? Because it's just like, he's like, just brush it aside. Do something. Put a little product in there.

Nothing on that.

Yeah, very, yes, very, very, very Boris Johnson-esque. So you worked there. So I worked there in college. I would probably say my junior and senior year maybe. Through the summer?

Through the summer... I think I might only work there a year. So it was probably like September to like a little bit in the summer. And then I'd have to drive down there because then I wouldn't live down there in the summer. Right. So I'd live in fucking... I'd live in bucks at my ma's house. And I would drive... I would take her... That was when I was in the bravada.

I would drive her bravada down. I'd have to pay for parking. That was like 25 bucks. I was making, you know... Wow, $70 a day.

Yeah, it still is. They do the Christmas things there. That was when you really wanted to put a gun in your mouth. All right, hold on. Let me listen. Man, they did a Christmas show every hour on the 15th, so it would be like 1-15, 2-5th, and he's fucking mouth, what time is the show coming? Little kid shitting himself. Lady, you wouldn't know a Van Heusen if it hit you in the face.

Yeah, but that was good because you're just out right outside, but then you're just in the streets of Philadelphia. You're just fucking catching heaters, just fucking fighting the zombies. So here, let me put this. Before we get into it, this came in from Sean. This just goes, I think, to sum up because you were never a retail man. I mean, you were your modeling career.

What up, gang? Shout out to you. Thanks for tuning in. As always, please make sure you rate, review, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube. Also, full video now available on Spotify. Go over there. You can comment. Beep, boop, boop. You can watch over there. I don't know what that means, but we're part of a creator program. Check it out. We're on the goddamn charts over there.

Obviously, I don't want to. I don't want to. But that's more entertainment business. That's not. I was paid as an actor.

Yes, I do. Thanks for thanks for checking in with me, though, after five years.

What year did you go to Paris?

What year was that?

She still has all her teeth, I bet, unlike some people at the table. Sir, if I spray this cologne on me, am I going to lose all my teeth like you?

I would argue that's more customer service. That's not retail. You're not really selling. That's retail. No, listen. Hey. Hey, we're paying wholesale prices, I can tell you that. Sure. That is more customer service. You're not selling. You're renting. Landscaper, waiter, laborer. So just say no. Why can't you just say no to the question?

We are. We're like top 50 in all podcasts or something like that. I might be flubbing those numbers a little bit for marketing purposes. Going down. Also, patreon.com. I'll show you garbage. Greatest website of all time. Go over there and get all that bonus content. The Route 66 tour over on air on a YouTube channel. Go check that out. If you haven't. Still climbing. We appreciate you.

Can't return those. I'm just saying you weren't in the shit, man. No. Okay. As very eloquently put, this is from Sean. I know we hear a lot about the perils of restaurant workers often on the show, rightfully so. Yes. But I worked at an FYE while in high school slash college, 08 to 2012, and I think people forget about the trenches of mall retail workers we're in on any given Friday night.

God love you. I'm 33 and still have a group chat with four of the people I worked with back then. And every once in a while, someone will bring up repressive memories like a Vietnam flashback. For reference, I was also active duty military, and the vibe of both group chats are unnervingly similar at times. I get it, man. There is, like, I remember at Macy's, I didn't know retail.

I had never worked retail like that, I don't think.

No.

No, I think the suit people got commission. Like, if you're selling suits, you're moving units. You're moving DK and Y. You weren't standing behind the counter.

I was in men's active wear. I was in charge of dungarees. Would you fold and put back on the shelf? Because you're not just standing behind. You're not checking out. No, yeah, but listen, this guy has never worked retail. Let me explain something. Would you gift wrap? Let me explain something. No, you go up on the third floor. They gift wrap it for you for free. Just show them the receipt.

I could never do those curls.

We had a circle sign and say that was the big thing. So all these major big box retailers want information from, you know, from the customer. Here we go. So you had to put. So hold on. I worked. I worked at Macy's in Center City, Philadelphia, probably 2007. What would that be, 2007, 8-ish? Probably 2008, right?

Yeah, uh-huh. And I still remember those days. First time I ever hung out with you, you complained about how far I parked from the venue. I swear to fucking God. He goes, I thought you said it was a couple of blocks. This is a real hump, huh? This is where the guy fucking, I'm driving him home. Meanwhile, he's smoking all my fucking cigarettes, taking some for the ride when he gets out.

You want to go back to fucking JCPenney's wherever I found you? Punk found me. Wherever you found me? Plucked you out of a sea of talent. Guy, you were 40 bumming cigs off me asking for rides home and then complaining about it.