Meredith

The Dr. John Delony Show

I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family

Hey, John. Yeah, thanks for taking my call.

The Dr. John Delony Show

I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family

Well, I have been married for 19 plus years. I've always been kind of the sole provider and really just don't feel supported in life, you know, much of any, in any capacity. And I just wonder at this point with this unhealthy kind of marriage dynamic, is this still salvageable?

The Dr. John Delony Show

I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family

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Why now? Why now? It's been this way for a long time. I think as my kids get closer to being done with school, out of the house, that I'm not going to lose custody of them. And even if I did, it's at a time where it would be okay. I just don't know that as an empty nester, I want to continue being like a...

The Dr. John Delony Show

I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family

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mom to him as well there you go does he know this oh yeah oh yeah yeah we've had so many conversations over the years and at one point I kind of laid it down that I really needed more from him and um He got really, you know, he got really emotional and things kind of changed a little bit.

The Dr. John Delony Show

I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family

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And then in the middle of that, my brother was going through a really ugly divorce and I saw what it kind of did to his kids. And I was like, I don't think I can do that to my kids right now because they have a good dad. He's just not a good partner for me.

The Dr. John Delony Show

I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family

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What?

The Dr. John Delony Show

I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family

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So he doesn't really take initiative to help with anything. So like if something needs to get done around the house, you know, he doesn't notice that it needs to be done. Like I finally got, you know, a bunch of clutter removed from my house, out of the house.

The Dr. John Delony Show

I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family

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and he still didn't notice, hey, the dishwasher still needs to be run or unloaded or to pick stuff up off the floor or the kids need to go to the dentist or the kids need to go to the doctor.

The Dr. John Delony Show

I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family

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What does he do? I don't know. Well, one thing he does is he kind of took on a volunteer role in our community. And so he spends a lot of time like doing that, but it's not like it's a paid position. And one time I actually got a call from my daughter's school. Hey, can you come pick your daughter up? She's ill. And he wasn't answering his phone because he was in a meeting for this.

The Dr. John Delony Show

I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family

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Like, dude, it's volunteer. Leave, you know, go pick up your child. She's literally around the corner from you, from where you are.

The Dr. John Delony Show

I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family

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I have. He really wanted me to make a list. And I was like, you don't work for me. Like, why am I making you, like, a literal, like, he wanted details and all of, you know, just a breakdown. I was like.

The Dr. John Delony Show

I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family

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He can if he takes an interest in it. The issue sometimes is that he tells me that I'm worrying about things that are not worth worrying about. I don't have an opinion as to what is important and isn't.

The Dr. John Delony Show

I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family

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I think, you know, so this one's kind of gross, but like there is a, like the toilet sometimes needs to be cleaned in between when someone is coming in to clean the house. You know, we pay someone to come in and clean the house.

The Dr. John Delony Show

I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family

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They come once a week. So sometimes things need to happen in the in-between.

The Dr. John Delony Show

I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family

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And I don't think, you know, like, If I point that out, and I do it sometimes, like just once when I'm needing to run out the door and I say, hey, can you show some attention to the toilet? And he's like, eh, I'll get to it. I have this other thing I have to do first. I'm like, ugh. So it's frustrating because it's like I can do all the things, but I'm not going to kill myself to do it.

The Dr. John Delony Show

I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family

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And I would just like for, you know, sometimes for it to be like, hey, yeah, no, it's all taken care of. No problem. Or you just go do it and don't make a big deal out of it.

The Dr. John Delony Show

I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family

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Not really. I literally, he acts like that's the case, but I am a very like super basic person as far as I am so routine. You can tell the clock by what I'm doing. So there is nothing that I'm doing that's new. I've, you know, really picked, I've really like made it to where everything is pretty streamlined.

The Dr. John Delony Show

I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family

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It's not, you know, like if there's dishes in the dishwasher and it looks pretty full, just run it. That's it. You know, and it doesn't have to be, You know, I'm willing to do it if I'm around. And once they've been done, then they need to be put away. But what he'll do is he'll just, like, leave it for three days.

The Dr. John Delony Show

I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family

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I'm like, dude, you can't leave the clean dishes in the dishwasher because they didn't dry well enough. You know, like, you have to just take them out, you know, and dry them. But, you know, this is over 20 years. Like, it's the same things. There's not anything new. He just develops an interest in something that isn't, like,

The Dr. John Delony Show

I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family

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really that pressing and he decides that he's going to focus on that instead of doing like the things that need to be done every day.

The Dr. John Delony Show

I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family

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And it sounds like that is definitely true.

The Dr. John Delony Show

I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family

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Yeah. No, I can see that. I can see that.

The Dr. John Delony Show

I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family

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He's never – he's left me hanging.

The Dr. John Delony Show

I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family

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Yeah, he's just, because I can't trust him. I can't trust him to pick me up. You know, I mean, it's just been demonstrated several times that he's just not willing to step up and do that.

The Dr. John Delony Show

I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family

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I absolutely did. And a lot of it is he suffers from anxiety. I do too.

The Dr. John Delony Show

I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family

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I beg him to get help from it. He won't do it. Okay.

The Dr. John Delony Show

I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family

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Yeah. Yeah. And... And that becomes almost like a boundary issue because he literally wants me to call and make the appointment for him.

The Dr. John Delony Show

I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family

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Yeah, and I just don't feel like that's my role. So he asked me, well, do you think this or this? Do you think this or this? And I'm like, I would pick something and go.

The Dr. John Delony Show

I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family

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No, I'm well beyond that, you know, as far as that.

The Dr. John Delony Show

I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family

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I've let that go. Oh, yeah.

The Dr. John Delony Show

I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family

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What? Like, and no, no, no.

The Dr. John Delony Show

I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family

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No. I mean, part of the thing is for the past several years since I decided, well, I'm doing this, but I'm not happy about it. And so I spent several years on what I'll call like the dopamine rush. Like, oh, I'm going to eat this food. I'm going to buy stuff. I'm going to, you know, all of these things.

The Dr. John Delony Show

I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family

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And so when, especially men, which, because I'm not really attracted to women, but especially men who showed me care, When that's not what I get at home, I do feel that attraction. I crush on people that I have no interest in. I would never do that, but I think there's still a part of me that mourns for that partnership. That's what I thought I was getting.

The Dr. John Delony Show

I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family

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Yeah, that was a conversation we had probably like 11, 12 years ago.

The Dr. John Delony Show

I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family

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So he decided he really... He went and talked to people. He's a big crowdsourcer. Went and talked to all these people, called into all these other friends. Oh, I need to do this testing for certification. And he couldn't pass the testing. And then it just kind of like fell away. He hooked up with an old high school friend about a year or so ago. And the guy's like, oh, well, we can get you...

The Dr. John Delony Show

I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family

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you know, you should come talk to my boss. And he went in and they're like, well, you're really, you know, kind of past an entry-level position, but don't really hold the, you know, hold a certification for this other thing. So, and, you know, his whole thing is, oh, well, like all of my friends who have all these great jobs, they're not anything special. I'm special.

The Dr. John Delony Show

I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family

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I have, you know, this many degrees. And all they did was be born to a family that gave them stuff. gave him a company. I'm just like, so he's delusional.

The Dr. John Delony Show

I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family

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Well, he's probably been out longer than that because when I married him, he was actually living with his parents. And I didn't realize that that meant that he wasn't actually earning enough to be on his own.