Matthew Muehling
Appearances
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
Nobody knows what we did, so we moved on.
KILL TONY
#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
What about dicks? What about dicks? That's the best to do.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Yeah. Uh... Real shit, I have, uh... It's weird, man. I have one gay friend. One. Only one. I think if you're a straight man and you have more than one gay friend, nigga, you gay. That's what I think. I think they plotting on you, and they gonna get you in a dark room and fuck you in the ass. That's what I feel like. That's what's gonna happen, brother. Watch your bumper. They on your ass, nigga.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Literally. They gonna put a dick in it. And, uh... I got one gay friend. I got one. I grew up with one my whole life. His name is Tyrone. I'm not gonna say his last name. Gotta be disrespectful. His name is Tyrone Jones. And Tyrone, he lived two doors down from me my whole life. And when he came out as gay, it made me upset. Now listen, I wasn't angry because he was gay.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
I was angry because we did things together that two men should not do if one of them is gay. We did a lot together. We played basketball together. We played football together. Me and Tyrone fucked a bitch together. You understand me? We was in the 11th grade. We was at his grandma's house. It was 12 o'clock at night on a school night on a Tuesday, dawg. I was fucking her from the back.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
She was right here and Tyrone was fucking her face, man. Yeah. And we was high-fiving and shit like this. A good old fashioned Eiffel Tower, dawg. That's a great core memory for two straight young men. When one of them become gay, that's a totally different memory, dawg. And when it came out, he was like, I want everybody to know, bro, I'm gay, and I like men. I was like, listen.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
All my homies was like, listen, bro, we don't care. We love you, bro. We still love you. I was like, wait a minute, bitch. I got questions. We fucked a bitch together. What do you mean you not gay? What do you mean you gay? And he looked at me. He went, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. You know how I stayed hard the whole time? And I went home and I cried that night. You understand me? I don't doubt it.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Thank you. Thank you. Not bad. Nigga, you care top. Live your life, brother. Have a good time. Hell yeah.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Nah, Jones. I said Jones. Jones? I don't talk good. Oh, okay. I don't talk great. That's a fake name, though. I'm not gonna say his real name.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
I actually hate it. I do not like that story at all. That's fucking funny. It was some old shit. I had an old joke like that. At one point, we were playing basketball, but the real story was we fucked a bitch together, and I was very angry about that.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Shit, nothing, man. Just running around doing shows, you know what I'm saying? On the road, having a good time. I was on a movie set recently, and I got there a little early. It was like on the beach. It was like we had food and shit. And it was a police officer that was on the beach watching the set. And I was getting food.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
And he came back and was like, hey, man, stop grabbing the food from the movie set. And I was like, I'm on the movie. He was like, no, you're not. And I said, I am. And he went, well, show me some papers. I said, what? You had movie papers when you was on the set. That's crazy. And I was mad that he was Mexican, so I was like, bitch, show me some papers, nigga. Yeah.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
He a good guy, though. He cool now. We good. And it felt worse. I had watermelon in my hand. I was like, it was bad. It was bad. It looked for all my people. It looked terrible for all black people around the country, though. It looked real bad. Jesus.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
They were good, bro. I ain't gonna hoods it. It feel weird being black. I like watermelon, but it's like, damn, I can't really eat it and pull it like that. Nigga! So I got like... But if I had to eat it, I'd look crazy. You know what I'm saying? I can't duck around corners and eat watermelon like this. That'd look fucking insane. So I got to eat it and pull it, but it's like, eat it, nigga!
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Get them grape juice also! Like, damn, I can't eat watermelon by myself. Nigga shit. Carrot Top, you got a prop for this, buddy?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
All right, so listen. So usually on the show, I come out and I talk about places I don't like. That's what I do. People understand that. People think it's funny. But when I talk about where people are from, some people don't enjoy that. And I'm going to tell you, my worst place that I hate the most in all of America is Rochester, New York, right? That place can get blown to smithereens.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Fuck that place. And three weeks ago on Kill Tone, I said, fuck Rochester, New York. And I got an Instagram story that I was tagged in. I'm going to read it to you, and this is what it said. He said... He said, suck a dick. You pussy, fuck wherever you from. I'll smoke your dads in your face. I'm going to translate that for white people now because a lot of y'all look confused.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
He just said, hey man, suck a penis. Fuck your hometown. And I'm going to get a cigarillo, unravel it, put weed in it, and smoke it as if it was your dead homeboy. That's what he said to me. And so I responded. I ain't hard to find. And then I sent my tour dates after that. And then he said, nah, fuck you. I ain't paying to see you. You talking shit about my city.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
And then he said, unless you get me in for free, stop talking shit about Rochester. And I'm going to tell you something. I'm going to tell you something about me, man. I used to be a thug. I was a street nigga. I was outside. I started doing stand-up comedy that changed my life. I don't do that shit no more. I'm a good person. I changed a leaf in my life. I don't do that shit no more.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
So I told him, I said, listen, brother, next time I'm somewhere by you, send me your first and last name, and I'll get you in the show for free, no problem. And he said, you'd do that for me? I said, yeah. He said, man, I'm a big fan of what you do, man. I just don't like that you were talking shit about my city because I love my city. I said, I understand that, bro.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
I get it because I love my city too. And I hate somebody talking about my city. I'm sorry. Well, he doesn't know that when it comes to the show, we're going to beat the shit out of him. I'm going to camp out at the castle. Boom. Like that. There it is.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
We gon' fuck that nigga up, man. We gon' fuck him up. It was, uh, I seen, I was like, what kind of bullshit is this, man? But I get it. You don't like talking shit, but he a pussy, though. Fuck that nigga. And look, let me look in the camera when I say this, too. Fuck Rochester, New York, nigga.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Fuck Rob Shepard, fuck garbage plates. Fuck all 200 and... I looked it up. 200... I can't do numbers that good. I looked it up, but the numbers are hard for me. It's hard for me to get 200,000. It was 200,473. Fuck off, 207. You know the fuck I'm trying to say. Fuck all of y'all in Rochester, New York.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
I was trying to say numbers, but it's hard when it get past, when it get to six of them bitches, nigga, numbers is hard. You said garbage place for a second. I said up garbage plates, that's their food, and then I was trying to name the population. Just making sure you're not getting me in any trouble here.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
I'm a thug. I don't cry, but that's made me... I'm happy. Thank you.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Now, the funny is, I sent it to my home, but I sent it to my dog, my dog, Liam, my brother. You know what I'm saying? He be outside and shit. How did you have the dog ready that quick? He don't even... We big dogs around here, nigga, but I sent him a dog limb, right? It sounded like a little dog. It sounded like a chihuahua. Yeah, what was that? There it goes, yeah, yeah. Soldier, ah, yeah.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
All right. Yeah, real, real... What the fuck was that? All right. But I sent it to my homeboy, Liam. I sent him a picture. I sent his Instagram and shit. And then it was a picture of him and his girlfriend on his Instagram. And my dog just said, shit, like she tired of you, little bro. What's her cash shop? I had that bitch in Florida by Saturday.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Fuck that nigga, yeah, man. He said he was gonna smoke my dead friends in my face. Fuck that nigga, man.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
That's what he said. The end of the thing was, I'm going to smoke them dead in your face.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Yes. So fuck him. Fuck his bitch. Fuck his mama. Fuck his grandmama. Fuck his auntie. Fuck who he believe in as a lord. Even if it's God, don't do that. Fuck that nigga, though.