Matteo Lane

It was a little easier path for me. And then my cousin came out. There's a lot of gays in my family.

It was a little easier path for me. And then my cousin came out. There's a lot of gays in my family.

I mean, I have like 30 cousins too. So three of us are gay. But my grandparents are super old school. Guineas are very liberal. My grandpa one time was like, he's a judge. And he's like, he's blind. He got blind at five and he became a judge. So he's got this amazing story. He's like, I hope to marry, you know, one of my gay grandsons.

I mean, I have like 30 cousins too. So three of us are gay. But my grandparents are super old school. Guineas are very liberal. My grandpa one time was like, he's a judge. And he's like, he's blind. He got blind at five and he became a judge. So he's got this amazing story. He's like, I hope to marry, you know, one of my gay grandsons.

And I was like, I think it's funny that you have to say you have three options. And then my aunt Cindy's like, you know, in this family, you have to prove you're straight before you are gay.

And I was like, I think it's funny that you have to say you have three options. And then my aunt Cindy's like, you know, in this family, you have to prove you're straight before you are gay.

My sister's straight and she was, it's, we're all in a row. So I'm 38. Well, I'll be 39. She's 40. He's 41. They're Irish twins. Oh, wow. And my sister was like hunting with my dad and give us my mom, the grandkids. And my brother and I are like fleeing to the East coast and West coast and just, you know, artsy fartsy. What's your brother do? He's like a top designer at Apple.

My sister's straight and she was, it's, we're all in a row. So I'm 38. Well, I'll be 39. She's 40. He's 41. They're Irish twins. Oh, wow. And my sister was like hunting with my dad and give us my mom, the grandkids. And my brother and I are like fleeing to the East coast and West coast and just, you know, artsy fartsy. What's your brother do? He's like a top designer at Apple.

Yeah. Like graphic designer stuff? Yeah, he works in like a select group. Like it's a whole... And I still only get 10% off. I'm like, you might as well just work the floor at a mall in Jersey. Like, what is this bullshit? You're in the factory. You're fucking Willy Wonka and all I get is 10% off? Go fuck yourself.

Yeah. Like graphic designer stuff? Yeah, he works in like a select group. Like it's a whole... And I still only get 10% off. I'm like, you might as well just work the floor at a mall in Jersey. Like, what is this bullshit? You're in the factory. You're fucking Willy Wonka and all I get is 10% off? Go fuck yourself.

I don't know if God's taking it away from you or your life choices has slowly withered away your vocal cords. You're performing all the time. And then you like to enjoy yourself. So you have drinks. So you smoke cigars. So it's dehydration. I'm not dehydrated. Dehydration. I drink, I drink. Yeah, but your vocal cords are lacking the moisture because they're rubbing up against each other so much.

I don't know if God's taking it away from you or your life choices has slowly withered away your vocal cords. You're performing all the time. And then you like to enjoy yourself. So you have drinks. So you smoke cigars. So it's dehydration. I'm not dehydrated. Dehydration. I drink, I drink. Yeah, but your vocal cords are lacking the moisture because they're rubbing up against each other so much.

And when you drink, then you're losing all of that moisture and then it hurts them even more. So you've created a kind of callus on your vocal cords. So it sounds more like not as strong.

And when you drink, then you're losing all of that moisture and then it hurts them even more. So you've created a kind of callus on your vocal cords. So it sounds more like not as strong.

What?

What?

That deserved a bigger laugh from back there. No, it's fine. I'm not that funny. But what's the worst way? What would be the worst way for you to die? What a horrible, morbid question. But now that we're talking about it. In a bed with my family surrounding me. Oh, okay. Well, you took it to a place that just did... This is so not fun. I was saying like being drowned or eaten by a shark.

That deserved a bigger laugh from back there. No, it's fine. I'm not that funny. But what's the worst way? What would be the worst way for you to die? What a horrible, morbid question. But now that we're talking about it. In a bed with my family surrounding me. Oh, okay. Well, you took it to a place that just did... This is so not fun. I was saying like being drowned or eaten by a shark.

Eaten by a shark, I'll take. Okay, yeah.

Eaten by a shark, I'll take. Okay, yeah.

Italians love it. For real? Yeah. I'm going. Come close. Listen to me. This is something I want to give you. You know, it's very dramatic. Yeah, the Irish. You guys don't like dealing with feelings. And my dad's Irish, but I have nothing in common with my mom's family completely abducted me. Your dad's Irish-Mexican? No, my mom's Mexican-Italian. And your dad's Irish-American.

Italians love it. For real? Yeah. I'm going. Come close. Listen to me. This is something I want to give you. You know, it's very dramatic. Yeah, the Irish. You guys don't like dealing with feelings. And my dad's Irish, but I have nothing in common with my mom's family completely abducted me. Your dad's Irish-Mexican? No, my mom's Mexican-Italian. And your dad's Irish-American.

But they're not like, oh, to teach it hard. They're just like six generations in. Meanwhile, my mom's family is like, Which one's better? My mom's family. I mean, I love my dad's family, but I don't know them. I grew up literally next to all my cousins. We're all the same age. And it was just like a constant. If I didn't like what my mom was making, I went to my aunt Cindy's house to eat.

But they're not like, oh, to teach it hard. They're just like six generations in. Meanwhile, my mom's family is like, Which one's better? My mom's family. I mean, I love my dad's family, but I don't know them. I grew up literally next to all my cousins. We're all the same age. And it was just like a constant. If I didn't like what my mom was making, I went to my aunt Cindy's house to eat.

It was that kind of childhood. Very Italo-Mericano. Like super, super, super Italian. And it's so funny because as an adult, I also look Italian and I don't look Irish at all.

It was that kind of childhood. Very Italo-Mericano. Like super, super, super Italian. And it's so funny because as an adult, I also look Italian and I don't look Irish at all.

Yeah. I have the Italian lazy eye. I have everything. I just took all my mom's genes.

Yeah. I have the Italian lazy eye. I have everything. I just took all my mom's genes.

Is that from your family? Yeah, we have family and family friends in Sicily. And so I would stay with them. My friend Giovanni and his family were like cousins. And then my family's like in their early hundreds. And they live in like the middle of a town. There's like a donkey house. And so I would just go there every summer and you just come back and then you just speak Italian. Wow. I know.

Is that from your family? Yeah, we have family and family friends in Sicily. And so I would stay with them. My friend Giovanni and his family were like cousins. And then my family's like in their early hundreds. And they live in like the middle of a town. There's like a donkey house. And so I would just go there every summer and you just come back and then you just speak Italian. Wow. I know.

We made homemade pizza dough and everything. Do they make the pasta? Yeah, we would make pasta, sure. We still make pasta. My sister and I always make... My sister can cook anything. She'll go hunting, take the deer and skin it and take all the meat and everything. She has her own garden that's bigger than this room. My sister is very... She can do everything.

We made homemade pizza dough and everything. Do they make the pasta? Yeah, we would make pasta, sure. We still make pasta. My sister and I always make... My sister can cook anything. She'll go hunting, take the deer and skin it and take all the meat and everything. She has her own garden that's bigger than this room. My sister is very... She can do everything.

How come I assume your sister is beautiful? She's stunning. My sister is absolutely stunning. Can you pull up a picture? Okay, my poor sister. You can look... Yeah.

How come I assume your sister is beautiful? She's stunning. My sister is absolutely stunning. Can you pull up a picture? Okay, my poor sister. You can look... Yeah.

When does this come out? Before April 5th. Oh, really? Okay, yeah. Of course. Because I have like 100 tickets more to sell. It's my first time. I'm so excited. That's amazing. I know. Are you excited about Radio City Music Hall? That's my sister, yeah.

When does this come out? Before April 5th. Oh, really? Okay, yeah. Of course. Because I have like 100 tickets more to sell. It's my first time. I'm so excited. That's amazing. I know. Are you excited about Radio City Music Hall? That's my sister, yeah.

Yeah, she's stunning.

Yeah, she's stunning.

Yeah. And she can make pasta by hand? Oh, yeah. She can make everything by homemade ricotta, homemade everything.

Yeah. And she can make pasta by hand? Oh, yeah. She can make everything by homemade ricotta, homemade everything.

There she is hunting.

There she is hunting.

She's 40. I'll be 39 this summer.

She's 40. I'll be 39 this summer.

Yeah, we make homemade ravioli every Christmas, every Christmas Eve. So we'd make the pasta, you roll it out, you make the homemade ricotta, and then you put like your pecorino, whatever you want inside. And then we lay it out and we roll it over and we cut it and you cook it. And yeah, my mom, we would make pizza dough as a kid. We didn't have a lot of money growing up.

Yeah, we make homemade ravioli every Christmas, every Christmas Eve. So we'd make the pasta, you roll it out, you make the homemade ricotta, and then you put like your pecorino, whatever you want inside. And then we lay it out and we roll it over and we cut it and you cook it. And yeah, my mom, we would make pizza dough as a kid. We didn't have a lot of money growing up.

So for us, we weren't, I wasn't in sports. We weren't in like extracurricular activities. We just couldn't afford it. So instead of every night, my mom would just, me and my brother and sister, she wrote like lined us up like little ducklings and we all just cooked with her every single night. So we make pizza together, make meatballs, brajol, pasta, making sauce.

So for us, we weren't, I wasn't in sports. We weren't in like extracurricular activities. We just couldn't afford it. So instead of every night, my mom would just, me and my brother and sister, she wrote like lined us up like little ducklings and we all just cooked with her every single night. So we make pizza together, make meatballs, brajol, pasta, making sauce.

Like every night we would just cook with my mom. And now I can cook.

Like every night we would just cook with my mom. And now I can cook.

I know. Well, we were trying to organize it, but I'm going to... My cookbook's out.

I know. Well, we were trying to organize it, but I'm going to... My cookbook's out.

Same.

Same.

Look up Matteo Lane nude on Google. I'm sure there's a billion pictures of my ass on my ass. There was a while on Instagram. My ass was always out. Oh, I love it. Me and Nicole Byer, our butts. Yeah, we're just I'm always that's not me. I don't know who that is.

Look up Matteo Lane nude on Google. I'm sure there's a billion pictures of my ass on my ass. There was a while on Instagram. My ass was always out. Oh, I love it. Me and Nicole Byer, our butts. Yeah, we're just I'm always that's not me. I don't know who that is.

And then you get a knack for it and you learn every other language? Well, the Italian unlocks all romance languages because it's the closest to Latin. So the best language for an Italian to learn next would be Spanish because they're so close. but then also French because Italian and French are actually closer than Italian and Spanish. They're 89% the same. Italian and Spanish are 82% the same.

And then you get a knack for it and you learn every other language? Well, the Italian unlocks all romance languages because it's the closest to Latin. So the best language for an Italian to learn next would be Spanish because they're so close. but then also French because Italian and French are actually closer than Italian and Spanish. They're 89% the same. Italian and Spanish are 82% the same.

I'm comfortable enough that I don't mind being naked, but I'm not going to go to like a nude beach.

I'm comfortable enough that I don't mind being naked, but I'm not going to go to like a nude beach.

We're both comedians who are like being naked and wearing Speedos. Yeah.

We're both comedians who are like being naked and wearing Speedos. Yeah.

Yeah. My friend, Pat Powers, who I still, he's not a comedian. He's not an entertainment. I still think he's the world's funniest person I've ever met.

Yeah. My friend, Pat Powers, who I still, he's not a comedian. He's not an entertainment. I still think he's the world's funniest person I've ever met.

No, I brought him because I was doing At Midnight, the original At Midnight. And I brought him because he loved that show. So I was like, just help me write jokes. It was just an opportunity to write jokes and stuff with him. And so he came with. But I love him.

No, I brought him because I was doing At Midnight, the original At Midnight. And I brought him because he loved that show. So I was like, just help me write jokes. It was just an opportunity to write jokes and stuff with him. And so he came with. But I love him.

I wish he would write a book about his life, like a David Sedaris book, because I think he's the funniest, most interesting person I've met.

I wish he would write a book about his life, like a David Sedaris book, because I think he's the funniest, most interesting person I've met.

It's like the gays love David, but we also love Amy. Like all Amy Sedaris's appearances on David Letterman. She was on like 40 times. Like he loved her. And every time she was weirder and weirder. I just fucking love Amy Sedaris. She is. But yeah, we both love being naked. I'm surprised we haven't done like a naked photo shoot together. I've done it with Stavi. Oh, of course. Me and Stavi.

It's like the gays love David, but we also love Amy. Like all Amy Sedaris's appearances on David Letterman. She was on like 40 times. Like he loved her. And every time she was weirder and weirder. I just fucking love Amy Sedaris. She is. But yeah, we both love being naked. I'm surprised we haven't done like a naked photo shoot together. I've done it with Stavi. Oh, of course. Me and Stavi.

Look, type in. Oh, I'm so sorry. We did an entire year worth of naked pictures together. Me and Stavros.

Look, type in. Oh, I'm so sorry. We did an entire year worth of naked pictures together. Me and Stavros.

Yeah, there we are.

Yeah, there we are.

Oh my God. That's great. I love that picture. There's naked men with their ass up, but that's not me. That's so funny. Anyhow, yeah, me and Stavros. If you look up Matteo Lane Stavros, we're just, there we are, naked together for New Year's, naked together for Christmas. Me and Stavros have done all these photos together.

Oh my God. That's great. I love that picture. There's naked men with their ass up, but that's not me. That's so funny. Anyhow, yeah, me and Stavros. If you look up Matteo Lane Stavros, we're just, there we are, naked together for New Year's, naked together for Christmas. Me and Stavros have done all these photos together.

And that one with the turkey, if you go back, Stavros literally cooked an entire turkey. He's cooked like the whole day, cooked it. And then he was like, no, we need a real fucking turkey.

And that one with the turkey, if you go back, Stavros literally cooked an entire turkey. He's cooked like the whole day, cooked it. And then he was like, no, we need a real fucking turkey.

Right. Oh, I see. Like, your dick print?

Right. Oh, I see. Like, your dick print?

That's the whole point.

That's the whole point.

But it's under the guise of here's my health lifestyle. Meanwhile, they're just the hottest thing you've ever seen. And you're like, I know you're like putting your face in like an ice bucket, but I'm just looking at your ass.

But it's under the guise of here's my health lifestyle. Meanwhile, they're just the hottest thing you've ever seen. And you're like, I know you're like putting your face in like an ice bucket, but I'm just looking at your ass.

So like the grammar of Italian and French is more in common. Like they're more difficult, but then phonetically it's closer to Spanish. So like hearing Spanish is easier, but then reading French is easier. So sometimes when I speak whatever version of French I speak, I just speak Italian and put a French accent on it and it works. Wait, they're 82% close?

So like the grammar of Italian and French is more in common. Like they're more difficult, but then phonetically it's closer to Spanish. So like hearing Spanish is easier, but then reading French is easier. So sometimes when I speak whatever version of French I speak, I just speak Italian and put a French accent on it and it works. Wait, they're 82% close?

I've always like, if I'll put like a thirst trap, I'm like, oh, I feel really good about myself. Then I'm like, oh, you lose followers. I'm like, okay, maybe I'll stop. I know. But I still do. I'm like, whatever. I'm only going to look like this for a while.

I've always like, if I'll put like a thirst trap, I'm like, oh, I feel really good about myself. Then I'm like, oh, you lose followers. I'm like, okay, maybe I'll stop. I know. But I still do. I'm like, whatever. I'm only going to look like this for a while.

Why are you thinking about death so much?

Why are you thinking about death so much?

Right. But how often? I mean, I feel like because it's in your like persona, this like party guy, this now I've turned into Barbara Walters because it's your persona. I want to know how much are you drinking? You know, but like on a daily basis, like are you drinking every day? No, I didn't drink yesterday.

Right. But how often? I mean, I feel like because it's in your like persona, this like party guy, this now I've turned into Barbara Walters because it's your persona. I want to know how much are you drinking? You know, but like on a daily basis, like are you drinking every day? No, I didn't drink yesterday.

I somehow drinking has left my life. Like when I was in my early twenties and I was living in Chicago, like I would, you know, go out on the weekends and we would drink, but you're also in your twenties and it's just experiencing something new. But then once I started doing standup, I just, I had somehow just kind of left every blue moon. I'll have like a margarita, but then I don't know.

I somehow drinking has left my life. Like when I was in my early twenties and I was living in Chicago, like I would, you know, go out on the weekends and we would drink, but you're also in your twenties and it's just experiencing something new. But then once I started doing standup, I just, I had somehow just kind of left every blue moon. I'll have like a margarita, but then I don't know.

I, I've gotten to this point now where I'm like, I drink and I immediately want to go to bed. Oh, I'm like, I just want to go to bed. So then I'm like, oh, I don't really think it's as... Like, my only advice right now is I bought a vape for this week. I'll probably stop next week.

I, I've gotten to this point now where I'm like, I drink and I immediately want to go to bed. Oh, I'm like, I just want to go to bed. So then I'm like, oh, I don't really think it's as... Like, my only advice right now is I bought a vape for this week. I'll probably stop next week.

I feel too disassociated. I know I'm so boring. I've never done... I've done Molly once, and I didn't feel, like, euphoric. I wasn't like, ah, fail it. Like, you know, I just was kind of, like, grinding my teeth. So I don't know that I loved that either. I don't know that I'm a big, like... um, party. I'm not a party, but I don't go to parties and stuff. I'm kind of a homebody.

I feel too disassociated. I know I'm so boring. I've never done... I've done Molly once, and I didn't feel, like, euphoric. I wasn't like, ah, fail it. Like, you know, I just was kind of, like, grinding my teeth. So I don't know that I loved that either. I don't know that I'm a big, like... um, party. I'm not a party, but I don't go to parties and stuff. I'm kind of a homebody.

Like I tour and then I come home and I don't know.

Like I tour and then I come home and I don't know.

Are you duolingoing it?

Are you duolingoing it?

Yeah.

Yeah.

So my first joke was I remember I was in the basement of the creek in the cave. I told it this weekend. Yeah.

So my first joke was I remember I was in the basement of the creek in the cave. I told it this weekend. Yeah.

Every blue moon I catch myself, like something flies out from like 2008. I'm like, ah, still a hit. Still works?

Every blue moon I catch myself, like something flies out from like 2008. I'm like, ah, still a hit. Still works?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

It's still a hit. Why not? I'm taking a swing. But yeah, my opening joke, I remember, you know, no one knew who I was. And so I finally got called up in the first group at the open mic. It was the Friday night mic at the Creek in the Cave at six o'clock. And it was like, that was the mic. Like if you, and everybody was there, Michelle Wolf and everybody. And if you got called first, it was like,

It's still a hit. Why not? I'm taking a swing. But yeah, my opening joke, I remember, you know, no one knew who I was. And so I finally got called up in the first group at the open mic. It was the Friday night mic at the Creek in the Cave at six o'clock. And it was like, that was the mic. Like if you, and everybody was there, Michelle Wolf and everybody. And if you got called first, it was like,

okay like you know I'm kind of making it but for whatever reason I was called first and I went up and you know comics if you're new they kind of ignore you and so I went up and I did what I would do is I walk up I would say nothing and then I would sing in my falsetto and I would go oh mio bambino caro mi piace veloce And people were like, what?

okay like you know I'm kind of making it but for whatever reason I was called first and I went up and you know comics if you're new they kind of ignore you and so I went up and I did what I would do is I walk up I would say nothing and then I would sing in my falsetto and I would go oh mio bambino caro mi piace veloce And people were like, what?

And then I go, that's a true story of how I came out to my dad. And it was the first laugh I got. And then it was like then people started like, oh, you're that opera. Like it gave you some kind of identity.

And then I go, that's a true story of how I came out to my dad. And it was the first laugh I got. And then it was like then people started like, oh, you're that opera. Like it gave you some kind of identity.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then it kind of gives you the confidence to keep going through those those mics. So you do six octaves. I mean, my whistle tones of like I've really lost my whistle.

And then it kind of gives you the confidence to keep going through those those mics. So you do six octaves. I mean, my whistle tones of like I've really lost my whistle.

Oh, okay. So, so like, yeah. So tell, explain this. So an octave is basically a piano has like about seven and a half octaves, meaning. So like it's, it's the, the right. So C D E F G. Oh yeah. So this would be... How old are you in this? I'm 24, 23. You can hear it. Ready? Oh, sorry. So this is where my range... I can still go really high, but not this high. You'll hear.

Oh, okay. So, so like, yeah. So tell, explain this. So an octave is basically a piano has like about seven and a half octaves, meaning. So like it's, it's the, the right. So C D E F G. Oh yeah. So this would be... How old are you in this? I'm 24, 23. You can hear it. Ready? Oh, sorry. So this is where my range... I can still go really high, but not this high. You'll hear.

And he has an amazing singing voice. I could go really high. You'll hear it again. Yeah. Go from Liza to Mariah to Brittany. Um... Again... My life is better now. And pizzazz. Because... Yeah, it used to go so high.

And he has an amazing singing voice. I could go really high. You'll hear it again. Yeah. Go from Liza to Mariah to Brittany. Um... Again... My life is better now. And pizzazz. Because... Yeah, it used to go so high.

I think I was... I don't know which came first. I mean, you have to be musically inclined in some way to perform, but I was always doing impressions as a kid. I can do a ton of Simpsons impressions. I can do... I do a lot of impressions, but then I don't know. Then that kind of... Yeah, I think it works the voice in a way that you can kind of mimic.

I think I was... I don't know which came first. I mean, you have to be musically inclined in some way to perform, but I was always doing impressions as a kid. I can do a ton of Simpsons impressions. I can do... I do a lot of impressions, but then I don't know. Then that kind of... Yeah, I think it works the voice in a way that you can kind of mimic.

So when I started learning how to sing, then I was able to really... catch on quickly to what my voice teacher was explaining to me, voice placement and all this stuff. But my actual classification of my voice is basso profondo, which means like the lowest of the lowest voices. So like, even though my speaking voice is really high, if I was going to actually be in an opera, I'd be...

So when I started learning how to sing, then I was able to really... catch on quickly to what my voice teacher was explaining to me, voice placement and all this stuff. But my actual classification of my voice is basso profondo, which means like the lowest of the lowest voices. So like, even though my speaking voice is really high, if I was going to actually be in an opera, I'd be...

Like that's where my real voice goes really low, but then it can go really high. So I just have a large vocal range. Now I don't know where my range sits, but it is, I do. I am very proud of that. I have a large vocal range. I've maintained it.

Like that's where my real voice goes really low, but then it can go really high. So I just have a large vocal range. Now I don't know where my range sits, but it is, I do. I am very proud of that. I have a large vocal range. I've maintained it.

So an octave is this. So like there's seven notes. C, D, E, F, G. It's not Do, Re, Mi, Fa, Sol, La, Ti, Do. Yeah, that's an octave. So then that's an octave. Right. So it's that and then you just do the same. So like an octave in other words is like an octave up will be. So it's the same note an octave higher. You see what I'm saying? So like most singers have like two or three octaves.

So an octave is this. So like there's seven notes. C, D, E, F, G. It's not Do, Re, Mi, Fa, Sol, La, Ti, Do. Yeah, that's an octave. So then that's an octave. Right. So it's that and then you just do the same. So like an octave in other words is like an octave up will be. So it's the same note an octave higher. You see what I'm saying? So like most singers have like two or three octaves.

So wait, what would be? Okay, so. So sing this note like. Now an octave higher will be. There you go. So that's one octave. I got one octave. Right. And then go. There you go.

So wait, what would be? Okay, so. So sing this note like. Now an octave higher will be. There you go. So that's one octave. I got one octave. Right. And then go. There you go.

Then you just have to extend on that. What's lower than that?

Then you just have to extend on that. What's lower than that?

That's, I don't know, my false... We would call it like a super head. Like... You know, I haven't warmed up today, though.

That's, I don't know, my false... We would call it like a super head. Like... You know, I haven't warmed up today, though.

I'd rather make you like... I prefer dry pasta over fresh pasta. Neither one's better. It's just for different sauces. So I wouldn't make you fresh pasta because we don't have a bolognese ready to go. So like a dry pasta is actually more... I prefer dry pasta. One, it can actually be al dente. And two, like I could make you like carbonara, cashew pepper, pasta al pomodoro, like all this stuff.

I'd rather make you like... I prefer dry pasta over fresh pasta. Neither one's better. It's just for different sauces. So I wouldn't make you fresh pasta because we don't have a bolognese ready to go. So like a dry pasta is actually more... I prefer dry pasta. One, it can actually be al dente. And two, like I could make you like carbonara, cashew pepper, pasta al pomodoro, like all this stuff.

It's just an easier pasta to use. Fresh pasta is like ravioli, lasagne, fettuccine, tagliatelle, parpadelle, like all the stuff.

It's just an easier pasta to use. Fresh pasta is like ravioli, lasagne, fettuccine, tagliatelle, parpadelle, like all the stuff.

Hopefully with like a long cooked like meat sauce, like ragu, like bolognese.

Hopefully with like a long cooked like meat sauce, like ragu, like bolognese.

That's fine. Yeah, short rib like ragout. Yeah, that's fine. Some sort of meat base that's been stewing a really long time. Just make sure that you cook that pasta with the sauce. Don't just make the pasta and then put the sauce over it.

That's fine. Yeah, short rib like ragout. Yeah, that's fine. Some sort of meat base that's been stewing a really long time. Just make sure that you cook that pasta with the sauce. Don't just make the pasta and then put the sauce over it.

You should have a pan and then bring some of the sauce and bring your pasta and bring some of that fresh pasta water and then give it some extra time to cook so that that starchy pasta water can help the sauce stick to the fresh pasta. So that way it marries itself perfectly. Nicely. Otherwise, fresh pasta, people think of it like a sponge with a soup on top. And the pasta is the star.

You should have a pan and then bring some of the sauce and bring your pasta and bring some of that fresh pasta water and then give it some extra time to cook so that that starchy pasta water can help the sauce stick to the fresh pasta. So that way it marries itself perfectly. Nicely. Otherwise, fresh pasta, people think of it like a sponge with a soup on top. And the pasta is the star.

So don't drown it in sauce. The pasta is the star.

So don't drown it in sauce. The pasta is the star.

she goes you're a meathead to begin with you're a flintstone character me ice more ice well when i was in mexico a couple a month ago a couple months ago for new year's god what it's almost april okay so for new year's you could hear like i was getting a massage on the beach and i was like speaking spanish my dad's from my grandpa's from the same part of mexico uh puerto vallarta is from jalisco really so yeah i'm a quarter mexican i know but i look like jafar

she goes you're a meathead to begin with you're a flintstone character me ice more ice well when i was in mexico a couple a month ago a couple months ago for new year's god what it's almost april okay so for new year's you could hear like i was getting a massage on the beach and i was like speaking spanish my dad's from my grandpa's from the same part of mexico uh puerto vallarta is from jalisco really so yeah i'm a quarter mexican i know but i look like jafar

what do I have now this is I didn't even think I would get here to be honest with you I never thought that's the fucking greatest I never dreamt I mean I'm doing theaters and I get to be with my friends and then I get to go home and play fortnight and I can help support family and friends and that's it I don't know I mean anything that like helps me keep performing on stage I really like

what do I have now this is I didn't even think I would get here to be honest with you I never thought that's the fucking greatest I never dreamt I mean I'm doing theaters and I get to be with my friends and then I get to go home and play fortnight and I can help support family and friends and that's it I don't know I mean anything that like helps me keep performing on stage I really like

Come on. Jason Wu is a very famous designer. And he became friends with me and he was like, oh, I like your videos. And so we started hanging out. And he was like, at the time, this PR team I was working with sent me the stylist and it wasn't right. And I was at dinner with Jason and he was like, I'll just style you. And so it was so cool.

Come on. Jason Wu is a very famous designer. And he became friends with me and he was like, oh, I like your videos. And so we started hanging out. And he was like, at the time, this PR team I was working with sent me the stylist and it wasn't right. And I was at dinner with Jason and he was like, I'll just style you. And so it was so cool.

Like I went into his studio and they had all these like clothes set up and he would have me trying a bunch of different outfits and taking pictures and picking. And he was like, I think that this would look really good.

Like I went into his studio and they had all these like clothes set up and he would have me trying a bunch of different outfits and taking pictures and picking. And he was like, I think that this would look really good.

100%.

100%.

I couldn't at the cellar. SD would kill me, but it's my special. There's certain things you have to wear. Yeah, and I will always do what SD tells me to do.

I couldn't at the cellar. SD would kill me, but it's my special. There's certain things you have to wear. Yeah, and I will always do what SD tells me to do.

And but anyway, so I was speaking Spanish with this woman, Maria. She's getting a massage. I was super nice and stuff like, oh, my grandpa's from here. Like, I'm also from. And then I just I can hear this like white woman shimmy her way up. She's probably two weeks into dueling. It's a contest. And then her husband goes, I need muy strong hands. I'm like, all of you are fucking pieces of shit.

And but anyway, so I was speaking Spanish with this woman, Maria. She's getting a massage. I was super nice and stuff like, oh, my grandpa's from here. Like, I'm also from. And then I just I can hear this like white woman shimmy her way up. She's probably two weeks into dueling. It's a contest. And then her husband goes, I need muy strong hands. I'm like, all of you are fucking pieces of shit.

Well, you're a different category than me.

Well, you're a different category than me.

Yeah. Jacked.

Yeah. Jacked.

You know, honestly, when I go on stage, even like I'm going to do Radio City, which I'm very nervous about, but please come. Do you know what you're going to wear? I don't know what I'm going to wear, but I feel uncomfortable on stage. I don't like wearing suits ever. I don't ever wear suits. I hate wearing suits. Fuck suits. I know.

You know, honestly, when I go on stage, even like I'm going to do Radio City, which I'm very nervous about, but please come. Do you know what you're going to wear? I don't know what I'm going to wear, but I feel uncomfortable on stage. I don't like wearing suits ever. I don't ever wear suits. I hate wearing suits. Fuck suits. I know.

I hate wearing suits, but I always just wear t-shirt jeans because I think like... I want to be as comfortable as I can because I want it to feel like we're just hanging out at brunch chit-chatting. So if I'm wearing anything I'm slightly uncomfortable in, I'll only be thinking about that. And so I'm not really like much of a fashion plate in that sense.

I hate wearing suits, but I always just wear t-shirt jeans because I think like... I want to be as comfortable as I can because I want it to feel like we're just hanging out at brunch chit-chatting. So if I'm wearing anything I'm slightly uncomfortable in, I'll only be thinking about that. And so I'm not really like much of a fashion plate in that sense.

But then others like red carpet or whatever, like I go to an event, like dress me however you want.

But then others like red carpet or whatever, like I go to an event, like dress me however you want.

Yeah. It's about the performance should always be the goal. I think when you're on stage, it should always be about the act. What am I exporting? You know, I've spent a year and a half working on these jokes from working them out of the cellar to on the road and piecing them together. And I don't want anything to get confused because I'm wearing an outfit and

Yeah. It's about the performance should always be the goal. I think when you're on stage, it should always be about the act. What am I exporting? You know, I've spent a year and a half working on these jokes from working them out of the cellar to on the road and piecing them together. And I don't want anything to get confused because I'm wearing an outfit and

Yeah, he killed it.

Yeah, he killed it.

immensely to your special because it made you so accessible i kept the background as simple as possible i think a part of me and i shouldn't go here but a part of me also thinks to like and i'm not this is not i'm not victimizing myself in any way shape or form i'm just saying there will be a large majority of people who will tune out immediately because i'm gay I understand that.

immensely to your special because it made you so accessible i kept the background as simple as possible i think a part of me and i shouldn't go here but a part of me also thinks to like and i'm not this is not i'm not victimizing myself in any way shape or form i'm just saying there will be a large majority of people who will tune out immediately because i'm gay I understand that.

I'm not saying it to be like, oh, woe is me. I'm just saying the fact that the sky is blue. I'm not saying everybody... I'm not saying this has been my experience in life. I'm saying this is a large possibility.

I'm not saying it to be like, oh, woe is me. I'm just saying the fact that the sky is blue. I'm not saying everybody... I'm not saying this has been my experience in life. I'm saying this is a large possibility.

And so for me, I just want to... I wanted to be able to have a chance to present my jokes and be taken seriously as a comedian because every interview I do, every show I do, every comic I talk to, it always ends up being like, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay. And I get it. Like, I am.

And so for me, I just want to... I wanted to be able to have a chance to present my jokes and be taken seriously as a comedian because every interview I do, every show I do, every comic I talk to, it always ends up being like, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay. And I get it. Like, I am.

And I talk about it too, but that's the catch 22 where it's like, I have to talk about it because it's my experience. And then I'm sort of expected to talk, you know, it's, I'm not ashamed of it. I love it. But then sometimes I don't know if I'm being taken seriously or if I'm seeing as serious other comics, this, these are the thought processes that go through my head. We all have those. Sure.

And I talk about it too, but that's the catch 22 where it's like, I have to talk about it because it's my experience. And then I'm sort of expected to talk, you know, it's, I'm not ashamed of it. I love it. But then sometimes I don't know if I'm being taken seriously or if I'm seeing as serious other comics, this, these are the thought processes that go through my head. We all have those. Sure.

And Maria responds back in perfect English. She's like, okay, well, you know, I'm like with somebody right now. Then the daughter comes up. Yeah, hola. So like, I need like, and then at one point I just turned my head and I was like, guys, what are you doing? I'm trying to relax. And then they're like walking away.

And Maria responds back in perfect English. She's like, okay, well, you know, I'm like with somebody right now. Then the daughter comes up. Yeah, hola. So like, I need like, and then at one point I just turned my head and I was like, guys, what are you doing? I'm trying to relax. And then they're like walking away.

Right. And this is just the corner that I'm in.

Right. And this is just the corner that I'm in.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I, I wanted to make sure I kept everything as simple as possible so that we're just focusing on the joke. So if you don't know who I am, you'll just see that I'm just talking about jokes.

And I, I wanted to make sure I kept everything as simple as possible so that we're just focusing on the joke. So if you don't know who I am, you'll just see that I'm just talking about jokes.

And by the way, I just want to preface those listening. This is not me saying that it's not an internalized homophobia that I'm afraid to talk about my sexuality. That is not it. I'm very happy to talk about it. I'm very proud to talk about being gay. I'm talking about the perception of others towards me and the psychological,

And by the way, I just want to preface those listening. This is not me saying that it's not an internalized homophobia that I'm afraid to talk about my sexuality. That is not it. I'm very happy to talk about it. I'm very proud to talk about being gay. I'm talking about the perception of others towards me and the psychological,

mind games you play with yourself when you're trying to also do stand up. I will say to your point, though, you know, I've been asked this question a ton of times. And the reason I always bring up Mario Cantone is because, you know, there's been a lot of famous gay women who I grew up with.

mind games you play with yourself when you're trying to also do stand up. I will say to your point, though, you know, I've been asked this question a ton of times. And the reason I always bring up Mario Cantone is because, you know, there's been a lot of famous gay women who I grew up with.

Everyone from Ellen, you know, Judy Gold, to Rosie O'Donnell, to Wanda Sykes, to, you know, Margaret Cho, who's very queer, you know, Schumer. Yeah. Keep going. But, you know, when I was younger, it's not that they weren't there, like Jim David and Rick Crome and Mario Cantone, because there wasn't the accessibility of YouTube and all this stuff.

Everyone from Ellen, you know, Judy Gold, to Rosie O'Donnell, to Wanda Sykes, to, you know, Margaret Cho, who's very queer, you know, Schumer. Yeah. Keep going. But, you know, when I was younger, it's not that they weren't there, like Jim David and Rick Crome and Mario Cantone, because there wasn't the accessibility of YouTube and all this stuff.

Those people who were gay men who were performing, I had no access to them. So the first time I ever saw a gay man do stand-up comedy, I was 23. For me, my first access to stand-up to like relate to it, because I never related to it, was Kathy Griffin. Somehow, some way when I was 16, she was speaking stand-up that really resonated with gay men. I mean, really did. Margaret Cho, for sure.

Those people who were gay men who were performing, I had no access to them. So the first time I ever saw a gay man do stand-up comedy, I was 23. For me, my first access to stand-up to like relate to it, because I never related to it, was Kathy Griffin. Somehow, some way when I was 16, she was speaking stand-up that really resonated with gay men. I mean, really did. Margaret Cho, for sure.

Margaret Cho still has one of my favorite fucking jokes where she talks about her experience on being an all-American girl, the first Asian cast on a sitcom. And so the whole special is about the studio forcing her to lose weight. So she's working out seven days a week. She's doing all these diet drugs, whatever. Her kidneys finally collapsed.

Margaret Cho still has one of my favorite fucking jokes where she talks about her experience on being an all-American girl, the first Asian cast on a sitcom. And so the whole special is about the studio forcing her to lose weight. So she's working out seven days a week. She's doing all these diet drugs, whatever. Her kidneys finally collapsed.

So when she was doing a press conference for her show, this reporter asked her, Ms. Cho, is it true that the network asked you to lose weight to play the part of yourself on your own television sitcom? She goes, the producer grabbed the mic and said, there is no truth in that. I was so hungry. I mean, it's just so funny. That special is so good.

So when she was doing a press conference for her show, this reporter asked her, Ms. Cho, is it true that the network asked you to lose weight to play the part of yourself on your own television sitcom? She goes, the producer grabbed the mic and said, there is no truth in that. I was so hungry. I mean, it's just so funny. That special is so good.

The mom's like, we asked too many questions, but I'll never forget her saying, I need muy strong hands. You fucking idiots. They're all hacks. That's me. Yeah, yeah. Well, let's speak a very basic Spanish to each other. Because my Spanish is like... Say something to me in Spanish.

The mom's like, we asked too many questions, but I'll never forget her saying, I need muy strong hands. You fucking idiots. They're all hacks. That's me. Yeah, yeah. Well, let's speak a very basic Spanish to each other. Because my Spanish is like... Say something to me in Spanish.

Finally, when I was in the storyboarding class, I was 21 and Joan Rivers had a special on Bravo, ironically called Before Melissa Pulls the Plug. And... And I was like, oh, well, they always said that Kathy Griffin was like a Joan Rivers. So I watched Joan, but that changed my life. That's when I decided to unlock that. I was like, oh, I meant to be a stand up. It was a calling.

Finally, when I was in the storyboarding class, I was 21 and Joan Rivers had a special on Bravo, ironically called Before Melissa Pulls the Plug. And... And I was like, oh, well, they always said that Kathy Griffin was like a Joan Rivers. So I watched Joan, but that changed my life. That's when I decided to unlock that. I was like, oh, I meant to be a stand up. It was a calling.

I was like, this is it. This is what I was supposed to do. I never seen someone do that. A 71 year old woman in a fur coat walking out. The first thing she says to her audience, she goes, I don't like certain audiences. I hate ugly people. I hate old people. If you're old and ugly, get up and get out right now. Lesbians, move to the back of the room. Gaze to the front.

I was like, this is it. This is what I was supposed to do. I never seen someone do that. A 71 year old woman in a fur coat walking out. The first thing she says to her audience, she goes, I don't like certain audiences. I hate ugly people. I hate old people. If you're old and ugly, get up and get out right now. Lesbians, move to the back of the room. Gaze to the front.

I mean, I couldn't believe what she was doing on stage. I still think she's top five greatest comics of all time, Joan Rivers, and doesn't get the credit she deserves. Me and Jim Norton talk about this all the time. She doesn't get the credit she deserves. She's fucking funny. I'd put her up against anybody.

I mean, I couldn't believe what she was doing on stage. I still think she's top five greatest comics of all time, Joan Rivers, and doesn't get the credit she deserves. Me and Jim Norton talk about this all the time. She doesn't get the credit she deserves. She's fucking funny. I'd put her up against anybody.

Funny. She has one of my favorite jokes. She's like, my daughter came to me. She goes, Mom, they want me naked from the waist up for $200,000 for Playboy. What do I think? I'll be a good mother. Of course, whatever you think is right. What do I think? Show me your pussy and get another $200,000, you stupid c**t. I'm on the red carpet just screaming these people like a hooker in Miami.

Funny. She has one of my favorite jokes. She's like, my daughter came to me. She goes, Mom, they want me naked from the waist up for $200,000 for Playboy. What do I think? I'll be a good mother. Of course, whatever you think is right. What do I think? Show me your pussy and get another $200,000, you stupid c**t. I'm on the red carpet just screaming these people like a hooker in Miami.

Who the fuck are you? She goes, when she was 16, I should have said, Melissa, come in the library, bring a banana, get on your knees. Mama wants to talk to you. That's what I should have said. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Who the fuck are you? She goes, when she was 16, I should have said, Melissa, come in the library, bring a banana, get on your knees. Mama wants to talk to you. That's what I should have said. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

I know. People like that. That's another one. You'll never get another Joan. I mean, that's a special, special thing.

I know. People like that. That's another one. You'll never get another Joan. I mean, that's a special, special thing.

And you're like, for real? I know. But the internet, that doesn't matter anyway. I mean, you can't do anything. I watch a lot of video game news.

And you're like, for real? I know. But the internet, that doesn't matter anyway. I mean, you can't do anything. I watch a lot of video game news.

you can't even talk about super metro without comments being like comments are going to show up and by the way you can't you can't what are you going to do it's just it's like what do you know there's sharks in the ocean are you going to stop swimming in the ocean yes i hate the ocean i think we should fill it with chlorine and get rid of everything inside it's an abomination i can't stand it i don't understand i'm not interested in it it's enough it is enough i love the

you can't even talk about super metro without comments being like comments are going to show up and by the way you can't you can't what are you going to do it's just it's like what do you know there's sharks in the ocean are you going to stop swimming in the ocean yes i hate the ocean i think we should fill it with chlorine and get rid of everything inside it's an abomination i can't stand it i don't understand i'm not interested in it it's enough it is enough i love the

oh it's enough of the ocean no get out of here i don't care about it i don't care i'll stand by it get tanned i'm not going in it under no circumstances stop it it is so i'm i i'm so sick of the ocean are you and i don't care what it does for the i don't give a shit It's constantly trying to kill us. We've not learned our lessons. Fool me once, forget about it.

oh it's enough of the ocean no get out of here i don't care about it i don't care i'll stand by it get tanned i'm not going in it under no circumstances stop it it is so i'm i i'm so sick of the ocean are you and i don't care what it does for the i don't give a shit It's constantly trying to kill us. We've not learned our lessons. Fool me once, forget about it.

Hurricanes and tsunamis and Titanic. It's enough. We found land. That's all my algorithm is, ocean shit. Oh, those dumb ships that are in the middle of the fucking sea and this and that.

Hurricanes and tsunamis and Titanic. It's enough. We found land. That's all my algorithm is, ocean shit. Oh, those dumb ships that are in the middle of the fucking sea and this and that.

And what are you doing that a plane can't do it? Stop it. Make bigger planes. I'm done with the ocean. It's enough. Just demons. Octopus can change color and morph. And even the devil looks at octopus. They're like, whoa, like it is just enough.

And what are you doing that a plane can't do it? Stop it. Make bigger planes. I'm done with the ocean. It's enough. Just demons. Octopus can change color and morph. And even the devil looks at octopus. They're like, whoa, like it is just enough.

Mariah carries high notes and pitbulls. Really? I love pit bulls. I can't get enough of them. Oh, they're just so cute. Pit bulls are pretty fucking awesome. Oh, their little fat heads and their smiles. You know what I hate, though? I hate when you're trying to get into a really cute dog moment and these fucking white women add baby voices to the dogs. Have you seen this?

Mariah carries high notes and pitbulls. Really? I love pit bulls. I can't get enough of them. Oh, they're just so cute. Pit bulls are pretty fucking awesome. Oh, their little fat heads and their smiles. You know what I hate, though? I hate when you're trying to get into a really cute dog moment and these fucking white women add baby voices to the dogs. Have you seen this?

I think I'm married to one. It's enough. You're trying to get into this cute dog and then all of a sudden you just hear like, Daddy what? Daddy who? The dog can't talk. Let me just enjoy how cute this dog is without this white woman. White woman, it is enough. You talked about this at the beginning of your special. It's enough already. You're not even married to one. No. I mean, I'm exhausted.

I think I'm married to one. It's enough. You're trying to get into this cute dog and then all of a sudden you just hear like, Daddy what? Daddy who? The dog can't talk. Let me just enjoy how cute this dog is without this white woman. White woman, it is enough. You talked about this at the beginning of your special. It's enough already. You're not even married to one. No. I mean, I'm exhausted.

They would be so disappointed in me. Why? They would. I would just be crying. They would be like consoling me. They would be like, it's okay, you know. It's what I do. I guess I would love to try, but I would be so disappointed to them. That's the only thing. I'm such a people pleaser. They'd be like, oh, this really didn't go the way.

They would be so disappointed in me. Why? They would. I would just be crying. They would be like consoling me. They would be like, it's okay, you know. It's what I do. I guess I would love to try, but I would be so disappointed to them. That's the only thing. I'm such a people pleaser. They'd be like, oh, this really didn't go the way.

That's a lot.

That's a lot.

I mean, I remember when I was in Puerto Vallarta, Bob, my friend, Bob, the drag queen, he was like, we're going to go to a strip club. I'm so not cool about it. Like everyone else could like, you know, pay money and then they dance on you and they can like be in the fantasy. Literally at one point, Bob has like six strippers around me. I had this stripper, you know, paid him whatever, 700 pesos.

I mean, I remember when I was in Puerto Vallarta, Bob, my friend, Bob, the drag queen, he was like, we're going to go to a strip club. I'm so not cool about it. Like everyone else could like, you know, pay money and then they dance on you and they can like be in the fantasy. Literally at one point, Bob has like six strippers around me. I had this stripper, you know, paid him whatever, 700 pesos.

And I'm rubbing his back saying it.

And I'm rubbing his back saying it.

So, and I'm, I'm rubbing his back saying in Spanish, I think a candle business will be great for your future. I just don't have that kind of bravado. I used to be fun at strip clubs, and now... I used to sing in strip clubs. That was before open mics. For real? Yeah, I was 21, and there was this gay...

So, and I'm, I'm rubbing his back saying in Spanish, I think a candle business will be great for your future. I just don't have that kind of bravado. I used to be fun at strip clubs, and now... I used to sing in strip clubs. That was before open mics. For real? Yeah, I was 21, and there was this gay...

Okay. Well, it's really simple. Okay. It's like really basic. Hola. Hola. ¿Cómo estás? No, solo como... Bueno, Esther, okay. Pero estoy bien. Gracias. ¿Y tú?

Okay. Well, it's really simple. Okay. It's like really basic. Hola. Hola. ¿Cómo estás? No, solo como... Bueno, Esther, okay. Pero estoy bien. Gracias. ¿Y tú?

There was this somehow a children's theater program, but the adults to raise money would perform at gay strip clubs around Chicago. And we had like dancers. We had a drag queen who kept saying, I have a 50-50% chance of getting a RuPaul's Drag Race. Statistically, so does my mother. And then we would perform as strippers. So I would be... I remember we were in this one strip club.

There was this somehow a children's theater program, but the adults to raise money would perform at gay strip clubs around Chicago. And we had like dancers. We had a drag queen who kept saying, I have a 50-50% chance of getting a RuPaul's Drag Race. Statistically, so does my mother. And then we would perform as strippers. So I would be... I remember we were in this one strip club.

We're in the basement. The drag queens powdered her face a thousand... The crust. Powdered her face a thousand times. And there's some Polish guy who doesn't speak English and a jock strap jacking off in a corner who had a tattoo across his chest that said, never give up. I'm like, I think...

We're in the basement. The drag queens powdered her face a thousand... The crust. Powdered her face a thousand times. And there's some Polish guy who doesn't speak English and a jock strap jacking off in a corner who had a tattoo across his chest that said, never give up. I'm like, I think...

we've arrived and um so they would go up and strip and then the drag queens would come out and then I would come out as like while they're changing which I don't know how long it takes to change a g-string but I would come out and I would sing like Mariah Carey and then all these old men would throw peanuts at me like get naked you know and I'm like until forever like it just that was what I did so when I went to open mics I was like well this isn't so scary everyone's wearing clothes

we've arrived and um so they would go up and strip and then the drag queens would come out and then I would come out as like while they're changing which I don't know how long it takes to change a g-string but I would come out and I would sing like Mariah Carey and then all these old men would throw peanuts at me like get naked you know and I'm like until forever like it just that was what I did so when I went to open mics I was like well this isn't so scary everyone's wearing clothes

Not so bad.

Not so bad.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay.

¿Qué haces? Nada. ¿Y tú? Nada.

¿Qué haces? Nada. ¿Y tú? Nada.

Yeah, underwear. I prefer briefs.

Yeah, underwear. I prefer briefs.

Yeah, like a Speedo. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or every once in a while, a box of briefs. I guess it depends. Look, I told you, they can't carry anything. I just want to say, Bert, you get gayer and gayer. This is something gay men would wear at the beach in Puerto Vallarta. That looks like a Speedo.

Yeah, like a Speedo. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or every once in a while, a box of briefs. I guess it depends. Look, I told you, they can't carry anything. I just want to say, Bert, you get gayer and gayer. This is something gay men would wear at the beach in Puerto Vallarta. That looks like a Speedo.

But they also use that for people who put in like, I think I've just saw this. They put in like a fake, like almost like for ball sacks, like in Speedos. I didn't know that this existed, but you can insert them in to kind of give like the shape, like almost like a push-up bra for your dick. I think it's on Amazon. I've not used it. You should have never told me that. They exist.

But they also use that for people who put in like, I think I've just saw this. They put in like a fake, like almost like for ball sacks, like in Speedos. I didn't know that this existed, but you can insert them in to kind of give like the shape, like almost like a push-up bra for your dick. I think it's on Amazon. I've not used it. You should have never told me that. They exist.

But what they do is they... Who is making these again? It's...

But what they do is they... Who is making these again? It's...

Okay.

Okay.

But you've not posted any pictures of these on there? God, look at that body. That's the kind of body I wish I had.

But you've not posted any pictures of these on there? God, look at that body. That's the kind of body I wish I had.

Men's briefs. I love them explaining the technology of the underwear like an infomercial. Remember infomercials in the 90s?

Men's briefs. I love them explaining the technology of the underwear like an infomercial. Remember infomercials in the 90s?

Is that them? To be an underwear model must be such a great life. I would hate it. I'd love it. I'd have to be in shape all the time. But see, at some point, the dick looks so mutilated. First of all, I don't understand what the photoshopping is here. Yeah, I don't know why.

Is that them? To be an underwear model must be such a great life. I would hate it. I'd love it. I'd have to be in shape all the time. But see, at some point, the dick looks so mutilated. First of all, I don't understand what the photoshopping is here. Yeah, I don't know why.

Yeah, you're probably right. But this just looks like they need to seek medical help immediately. I don't know that I find it to be exactly sexy. This is me in them.

Yeah, you're probably right. But this just looks like they need to seek medical help immediately. I don't know that I find it to be exactly sexy. This is me in them.

But I feel like you do. No. Not like, no. My problem is I have a giant ass. And it sits really high. And I think I have like a pelvic tilt. That's what my sister says. And so what happens is like I can't wear underwear. Like it doesn't go around like that. Like it almost goes like down. It looks like I'm walking like a duck, like Donald Duck. Oh, that's so funny.

But I feel like you do. No. Not like, no. My problem is I have a giant ass. And it sits really high. And I think I have like a pelvic tilt. That's what my sister says. And so what happens is like I can't wear underwear. Like it doesn't go around like that. Like it almost goes like down. It looks like I'm walking like a duck, like Donald Duck. Oh, that's so funny.

This is so fun. Anything else you want to ask before I go? This was so fun. Thank you for having me on. Do you think...

This is so fun. Anything else you want to ask before I go? This was so fun. Thank you for having me on. Do you think...

Well, there's a generation of women who were completely misguided by Cosmopolitan Magazine who told them to eat an ice cube beforehand and give them a surprise. I'm like... There's a board writers in the cosmopolitan art. You remember those magazines where it's like things you can do to spice it up for your man. And it was always the worst advice.

Well, there's a generation of women who were completely misguided by Cosmopolitan Magazine who told them to eat an ice cube beforehand and give them a surprise. I'm like... There's a board writers in the cosmopolitan art. You remember those magazines where it's like things you can do to spice it up for your man. And it was always the worst advice.

Like eat red pepper flakes and then do it's like, no, just anything warm is fine. Put in your toothpaste. Right. No, some sort of horrific, like unnecessary thing.

Like eat red pepper flakes and then do it's like, no, just anything warm is fine. Put in your toothpaste. Right. No, some sort of horrific, like unnecessary thing.

You can do the hand and the mouth at the same time. Oh, yeah. We'll talk.

You can do the hand and the mouth at the same time. Oh, yeah. We'll talk.

wait I just realized that's what George does when I go it's turning into like if you're just like wearing a sash like a leopard print sash and you're in a cave by the way if you ever had the Spanish class churros y chocolate you're like he's gonna ask if he wants to borrow a pencil no no no tengo oh yo tengo solamente un lapiz okay No, pero tú puedes hablar muy bien español.

wait I just realized that's what George does when I go it's turning into like if you're just like wearing a sash like a leopard print sash and you're in a cave by the way if you ever had the Spanish class churros y chocolate you're like he's gonna ask if he wants to borrow a pencil no no no tengo oh yo tengo solamente un lapiz okay No, pero tú puedes hablar muy bien español.

You're right.

You're right.

I'm getting a third hair transplant to deal with the stress. Are you serious? Yeah, I'm going to get one in July. I want to get one so bad. They have to finish The Crown. And I might go in a little bit more. I'm enjoying this sort of... Oh, I'm going to be studying that. You know what's so funny? There's a really funny comic, Jay Jordan, because I'm part Mexican.

I'm getting a third hair transplant to deal with the stress. Are you serious? Yeah, I'm going to get one in July. I want to get one so bad. They have to finish The Crown. And I might go in a little bit more. I'm enjoying this sort of... Oh, I'm going to be studying that. You know what's so funny? There's a really funny comic, Jay Jordan, because I'm part Mexican.

And when I got a buzz cut, all he did was text me. He goes, now I see it. Thank you. This was so fun. I love you, brother. I love you, too. What fun. That was so fun. Thank you.

And when I got a buzz cut, all he did was text me. He goes, now I see it. Thank you. This was so fun. I love you, brother. I love you, too. What fun. That was so fun. Thank you.

Sí, gracias. Lo aprendí porque estaba hablando italiano cuando era más pequeño.

Sí, gracias. Lo aprendí porque estaba hablando italiano cuando era más pequeño.

Da. Dosvidanya. I learned that from Anastasia.

Da. Dosvidanya. I learned that from Anastasia.

Do I... Sisters?

Do I... Sisters?

Okay, but sisters.

Okay, but sisters.

Okay, the women who are in the house who are... Linda? Linda. Okay, I don't know very well the people who are in this house because it's my first time meeting them. Uh-huh. Did you understand what I said? I'm better in Italian anyways, but like I can say everything I'm thinking and feeling in Spanish and communicate, but then you do it pretty good in Spanish.

Okay, the women who are in the house who are... Linda? Linda. Okay, I don't know very well the people who are in this house because it's my first time meeting them. Uh-huh. Did you understand what I said? I'm better in Italian anyways, but like I can say everything I'm thinking and feeling in Spanish and communicate, but then you do it pretty good in Spanish.

I know. Sometimes, well, you know, it's a catch 22, right? Cause it's like, there's, I'm happy to, I'm happy to talk about that. I also talk about that, but then sometimes it's like you do interviews and it's like an hour of it. And like, no, I get it. Like, it's a good, it's a good moment to like, if someone has questions, like I'm happy to answer. Sure. But then also to like, I also write jokes.

I know. Sometimes, well, you know, it's a catch 22, right? Cause it's like, there's, I'm happy to, I'm happy to talk about that. I also talk about that, but then sometimes it's like you do interviews and it's like an hour of it. And like, no, I get it. Like, it's a good, it's a good moment to like, if someone has questions, like I'm happy to answer. Sure. But then also to like, I also write jokes.

I took a semester of Spanish because I went to art school, which is a way, you know, that's not a real school. And I paid a lot for it. What art school did you go to? School of the Art Institute of Chicago. Very prestigious. Yeah. And, but I remember we had to take like normal classes. We always called them normal. It's a pass fail system. So there was no grades.

I took a semester of Spanish because I went to art school, which is a way, you know, that's not a real school. And I paid a lot for it. What art school did you go to? School of the Art Institute of Chicago. Very prestigious. Yeah. And, but I remember we had to take like normal classes. We always called them normal. It's a pass fail system. So there was no grades.

So I remember I was like, well, I'll just do Spanish 101. So I took it and like maybe three weeks in, my teacher was like, Mateo, can I speak to you? I was like, sure. She goes, do you, do you speak another language? And I go, I do. She goes, what language? I go, Italian. She goes, you should be in Spanish three. Like we were learning colors and numbers and stuff. So for me, I was like, easy pass.

So I remember I was like, well, I'll just do Spanish 101. So I took it and like maybe three weeks in, my teacher was like, Mateo, can I speak to you? I was like, sure. She goes, do you, do you speak another language? And I go, I do. She goes, what language? I go, Italian. She goes, you should be in Spanish three. Like we were learning colors and numbers and stuff. So for me, I was like, easy pass.

Yeah. All the tests were oral, which joke there, insert joke. But yeah, so it was easy because at that time, my Spanish wasn't even that good, but I could really just kind of speak Italian to her. And she was like, God damn it, this can pass. You know what I mean? It just was so... I was like cheating.

Yeah. All the tests were oral, which joke there, insert joke. But yeah, so it was easy because at that time, my Spanish wasn't even that good, but I could really just kind of speak Italian to her. And she was like, God damn it, this can pass. You know what I mean? It just was so... I was like cheating.

Um, no, because now I got this trainer who like watches everything that I do and I have to like market. So I can't, it's like I've lost my lazy days.

Um, no, because now I got this trainer who like watches everything that I do and I have to like market. So I can't, it's like I've lost my lazy days.

I... Bert, it was almost like you were like, do you know that today is today and tomorrow is tomorrow?

I... Bert, it was almost like you were like, do you know that today is today and tomorrow is tomorrow?

You can still learn. I mean, I think if you took a sabbatical and went to Spain or Mexico for a month and just lived with someone who spoke Spanish, you'd come back way more fluent than you would realize. I'll tell you the problem with that. You don't have time.

You can still learn. I mean, I think if you took a sabbatical and went to Spain or Mexico for a month and just lived with someone who spoke Spanish, you'd come back way more fluent than you would realize. I'll tell you the problem with that. You don't have time.

Got it. Oh, yeah, Tom. I was speaking. Tom's learning Italian.

Got it. Oh, yeah, Tom. I was speaking. Tom's learning Italian.

uh yeah that's francesco yeah yeah yeah hello i am francesco de carlo and my this there he is he looks italian yeah well also i should have a bomber's jacket on but they don't even believe he's italian people are like all the comments like you're not italian you're you're mexican you're not italian he's like why why does everyone not think i am italian i'm like oh welcome to america that uh i've never been good with accents and you're really good at accents and today i learned the one i was i've always wanted to do and it never made sense i was gay accent no i'm joking really good

uh yeah that's francesco yeah yeah yeah hello i am francesco de carlo and my this there he is he looks italian yeah well also i should have a bomber's jacket on but they don't even believe he's italian people are like all the comments like you're not italian you're you're mexican you're not italian he's like why why does everyone not think i am italian i'm like oh welcome to america that uh i've never been good with accents and you're really good at accents and today i learned the one i was i've always wanted to do and it never made sense i was gay accent no i'm joking really good

Do they really? Yeah. Sometimes like, you know, if I'm like out with friends or something like when I was in Puerto Vallarta, like there's like a bear flag. I was like, we've got a lot of flags. Yeah. Yeah.

Do they really? Yeah. Sometimes like, you know, if I'm like out with friends or something like when I was in Puerto Vallarta, like there's like a bear flag. I was like, we've got a lot of flags. Yeah. Yeah.

You will attract a very specific type of person. You'll hear a lot of men woofing at you.

You will attract a very specific type of person. You'll hear a lot of men woofing at you.

Yeah, but I wouldn't say you're a muscle bear. I'm a muscle bear. Okay. I've been muscle bear. I don't gay muscle bear.

Yeah, but I wouldn't say you're a muscle bear. I'm a muscle bear. Okay. I've been muscle bear. I don't gay muscle bear.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know, you better work. Yeah. Your dick is really making movement. Yeah. I fluffed. Yeah. Not you putting on your glasses to sort of class this up.

You know, you better work. Yeah. Your dick is really making movement. Yeah. I fluffed. Yeah. Not you putting on your glasses to sort of class this up.

For real? Spanish people think I sound like Mario and Luigi because my accent's so Italian. The French never respond back to French. And I could speak the best French I possibly could, and they always answer back in English. One time, after my show in Paris, this woman was talking. I thought she was Sicilian, and we were speaking French.

For real? Spanish people think I sound like Mario and Luigi because my accent's so Italian. The French never respond back to French. And I could speak the best French I possibly could, and they always answer back in English. One time, after my show in Paris, this woman was talking. I thought she was Sicilian, and we were speaking French.

I got woof of the week.

I got woof of the week.

Yeah. Oh, maybe it also makes you feel like you're not what you thought you were your whole life.

Yeah. Oh, maybe it also makes you feel like you're not what you thought you were your whole life.

We're just friends.

We're just friends.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, it would be... I'm so fear-based, but... Then don't ever do it.

Yeah, it would be... I'm so fear-based, but... Then don't ever do it.

It's the casualness. You're like, we want to go back to Coke.

It's the casualness. You're like, we want to go back to Coke.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, I had to come out. I mean, I was working at Michael's. It wasn't like a stretch. You know what I mean? It's hard to be selling glitter and then at the same time trying to be like, hey, you know, like it was pretty obvious. Wait, how old were you? Like 18 when I went to college and then like 21 to my family. My brother had already come out. So it was kind of like he opened the...

Yeah, I had to come out. I mean, I was working at Michael's. It wasn't like a stretch. You know what I mean? It's hard to be selling glitter and then at the same time trying to be like, hey, you know, like it was pretty obvious. Wait, how old were you? Like 18 when I went to college and then like 21 to my family. My brother had already come out. So it was kind of like he opened the...

And like 15 minutes in the conversation, she's like, Mais vraiment? And I was like, why is she so nice to me? And then I found out she was from Morocco. I was like, well, that's why she's nice. She's not from Paris. And then Germany, forget it. They're just so like, I was like, my friend Francesco Di Carlo always opens for me when we would do, when I do Europe tours.

And like 15 minutes in the conversation, she's like, Mais vraiment? And I was like, why is she so nice to me? And then I found out she was from Morocco. I was like, well, that's why she's nice. She's not from Paris. And then Germany, forget it. They're just so like, I was like, my friend Francesco Di Carlo always opens for me when we would do, when I do Europe tours.

It was a little easier path for me. And then my cousin came out. There's a lot of gays in my family.

I mean, I have like 30 cousins too. So three of us are gay. But my grandparents are super old school. Guineas are very liberal. My grandpa one time was like, he's a judge. And he's like, he's blind. He got blind at five and he became a judge. So he's got this amazing story. He's like, I hope to marry, you know, one of my gay grandsons.

And I was like, I think it's funny that you have to say you have three options. And then my aunt Cindy's like, you know, in this family, you have to prove you're straight before you are gay.

My sister's straight and she was, it's, we're all in a row. So I'm 38. Well, I'll be 39. She's 40. He's 41. They're Irish twins. Oh, wow. And my sister was like hunting with my dad and give us my mom, the grandkids. And my brother and I are like fleeing to the East coast and West coast and just, you know, artsy fartsy. What's your brother do? He's like a top designer at Apple.

Yeah. Like graphic designer stuff? Yeah, he works in like a select group. Like it's a whole... And I still only get 10% off. I'm like, you might as well just work the floor at a mall in Jersey. Like, what is this bullshit? You're in the factory. You're fucking Willy Wonka and all I get is 10% off? Go fuck yourself.

I don't know if God's taking it away from you or your life choices has slowly withered away your vocal cords. You're performing all the time. And then you like to enjoy yourself. So you have drinks. So you smoke cigars. So it's dehydration. I'm not dehydrated. Dehydration. I drink, I drink. Yeah, but your vocal cords are lacking the moisture because they're rubbing up against each other so much.

And when you drink, then you're losing all of that moisture and then it hurts them even more. So you've created a kind of callus on your vocal cords. So it sounds more like not as strong.

What?

That deserved a bigger laugh from back there. No, it's fine. I'm not that funny. But what's the worst way? What would be the worst way for you to die? What a horrible, morbid question. But now that we're talking about it. In a bed with my family surrounding me. Oh, okay. Well, you took it to a place that just did... This is so not fun. I was saying like being drowned or eaten by a shark.

Eaten by a shark, I'll take. Okay, yeah.

Italians love it. For real? Yeah. I'm going. Come close. Listen to me. This is something I want to give you. You know, it's very dramatic. Yeah, the Irish. You guys don't like dealing with feelings. And my dad's Irish, but I have nothing in common with my mom's family completely abducted me. Your dad's Irish-Mexican? No, my mom's Mexican-Italian. And your dad's Irish-American.

But they're not like, oh, to teach it hard. They're just like six generations in. Meanwhile, my mom's family is like, Which one's better? My mom's family. I mean, I love my dad's family, but I don't know them. I grew up literally next to all my cousins. We're all the same age. And it was just like a constant. If I didn't like what my mom was making, I went to my aunt Cindy's house to eat.

It was that kind of childhood. Very Italo-Mericano. Like super, super, super Italian. And it's so funny because as an adult, I also look Italian and I don't look Irish at all.

Yeah. I have the Italian lazy eye. I have everything. I just took all my mom's genes.

Is that from your family? Yeah, we have family and family friends in Sicily. And so I would stay with them. My friend Giovanni and his family were like cousins. And then my family's like in their early hundreds. And they live in like the middle of a town. There's like a donkey house. And so I would just go there every summer and you just come back and then you just speak Italian. Wow. I know.

We made homemade pizza dough and everything. Do they make the pasta? Yeah, we would make pasta, sure. We still make pasta. My sister and I always make... My sister can cook anything. She'll go hunting, take the deer and skin it and take all the meat and everything. She has her own garden that's bigger than this room. My sister is very... She can do everything.

How come I assume your sister is beautiful? She's stunning. My sister is absolutely stunning. Can you pull up a picture? Okay, my poor sister. You can look... Yeah.

When does this come out? Before April 5th. Oh, really? Okay, yeah. Of course. Because I have like 100 tickets more to sell. It's my first time. I'm so excited. That's amazing. I know. Are you excited about Radio City Music Hall? That's my sister, yeah.

Yeah, she's stunning.

Yeah. And she can make pasta by hand? Oh, yeah. She can make everything by homemade ricotta, homemade everything.

There she is hunting.

She's 40. I'll be 39 this summer.

Yeah, we make homemade ravioli every Christmas, every Christmas Eve. So we'd make the pasta, you roll it out, you make the homemade ricotta, and then you put like your pecorino, whatever you want inside. And then we lay it out and we roll it over and we cut it and you cook it. And yeah, my mom, we would make pizza dough as a kid. We didn't have a lot of money growing up.

So for us, we weren't, I wasn't in sports. We weren't in like extracurricular activities. We just couldn't afford it. So instead of every night, my mom would just, me and my brother and sister, she wrote like lined us up like little ducklings and we all just cooked with her every single night. So we make pizza together, make meatballs, brajol, pasta, making sauce.

Like every night we would just cook with my mom. And now I can cook.

I know. Well, we were trying to organize it, but I'm going to... My cookbook's out.

Same.

Look up Matteo Lane nude on Google. I'm sure there's a billion pictures of my ass on my ass. There was a while on Instagram. My ass was always out. Oh, I love it. Me and Nicole Byer, our butts. Yeah, we're just I'm always that's not me. I don't know who that is.

And then you get a knack for it and you learn every other language? Well, the Italian unlocks all romance languages because it's the closest to Latin. So the best language for an Italian to learn next would be Spanish because they're so close. but then also French because Italian and French are actually closer than Italian and Spanish. They're 89% the same. Italian and Spanish are 82% the same.

I'm comfortable enough that I don't mind being naked, but I'm not going to go to like a nude beach.

We're both comedians who are like being naked and wearing Speedos. Yeah.

Yeah. My friend, Pat Powers, who I still, he's not a comedian. He's not an entertainment. I still think he's the world's funniest person I've ever met.

No, I brought him because I was doing At Midnight, the original At Midnight. And I brought him because he loved that show. So I was like, just help me write jokes. It was just an opportunity to write jokes and stuff with him. And so he came with. But I love him.

I wish he would write a book about his life, like a David Sedaris book, because I think he's the funniest, most interesting person I've met.

It's like the gays love David, but we also love Amy. Like all Amy Sedaris's appearances on David Letterman. She was on like 40 times. Like he loved her. And every time she was weirder and weirder. I just fucking love Amy Sedaris. She is. But yeah, we both love being naked. I'm surprised we haven't done like a naked photo shoot together. I've done it with Stavi. Oh, of course. Me and Stavi.

Look, type in. Oh, I'm so sorry. We did an entire year worth of naked pictures together. Me and Stavros.

Yeah, there we are.

Oh my God. That's great. I love that picture. There's naked men with their ass up, but that's not me. That's so funny. Anyhow, yeah, me and Stavros. If you look up Matteo Lane Stavros, we're just, there we are, naked together for New Year's, naked together for Christmas. Me and Stavros have done all these photos together.

And that one with the turkey, if you go back, Stavros literally cooked an entire turkey. He's cooked like the whole day, cooked it. And then he was like, no, we need a real fucking turkey.

Right. Oh, I see. Like, your dick print?

That's the whole point.

But it's under the guise of here's my health lifestyle. Meanwhile, they're just the hottest thing you've ever seen. And you're like, I know you're like putting your face in like an ice bucket, but I'm just looking at your ass.

So like the grammar of Italian and French is more in common. Like they're more difficult, but then phonetically it's closer to Spanish. So like hearing Spanish is easier, but then reading French is easier. So sometimes when I speak whatever version of French I speak, I just speak Italian and put a French accent on it and it works. Wait, they're 82% close?

I've always like, if I'll put like a thirst trap, I'm like, oh, I feel really good about myself. Then I'm like, oh, you lose followers. I'm like, okay, maybe I'll stop. I know. But I still do. I'm like, whatever. I'm only going to look like this for a while.

Why are you thinking about death so much?

Right. But how often? I mean, I feel like because it's in your like persona, this like party guy, this now I've turned into Barbara Walters because it's your persona. I want to know how much are you drinking? You know, but like on a daily basis, like are you drinking every day? No, I didn't drink yesterday.

I somehow drinking has left my life. Like when I was in my early twenties and I was living in Chicago, like I would, you know, go out on the weekends and we would drink, but you're also in your twenties and it's just experiencing something new. But then once I started doing standup, I just, I had somehow just kind of left every blue moon. I'll have like a margarita, but then I don't know.

I, I've gotten to this point now where I'm like, I drink and I immediately want to go to bed. Oh, I'm like, I just want to go to bed. So then I'm like, oh, I don't really think it's as... Like, my only advice right now is I bought a vape for this week. I'll probably stop next week.

I feel too disassociated. I know I'm so boring. I've never done... I've done Molly once, and I didn't feel, like, euphoric. I wasn't like, ah, fail it. Like, you know, I just was kind of, like, grinding my teeth. So I don't know that I loved that either. I don't know that I'm a big, like... um, party. I'm not a party, but I don't go to parties and stuff. I'm kind of a homebody.

Like I tour and then I come home and I don't know.

Are you duolingoing it?

Yeah.

So my first joke was I remember I was in the basement of the creek in the cave. I told it this weekend. Yeah.

Every blue moon I catch myself, like something flies out from like 2008. I'm like, ah, still a hit. Still works?

Yeah, yeah.

It's still a hit. Why not? I'm taking a swing. But yeah, my opening joke, I remember, you know, no one knew who I was. And so I finally got called up in the first group at the open mic. It was the Friday night mic at the Creek in the Cave at six o'clock. And it was like, that was the mic. Like if you, and everybody was there, Michelle Wolf and everybody. And if you got called first, it was like,

okay like you know I'm kind of making it but for whatever reason I was called first and I went up and you know comics if you're new they kind of ignore you and so I went up and I did what I would do is I walk up I would say nothing and then I would sing in my falsetto and I would go oh mio bambino caro mi piace veloce And people were like, what?

And then I go, that's a true story of how I came out to my dad. And it was the first laugh I got. And then it was like then people started like, oh, you're that opera. Like it gave you some kind of identity.

Yeah.

And then it kind of gives you the confidence to keep going through those those mics. So you do six octaves. I mean, my whistle tones of like I've really lost my whistle.

Oh, okay. So, so like, yeah. So tell, explain this. So an octave is basically a piano has like about seven and a half octaves, meaning. So like it's, it's the, the right. So C D E F G. Oh yeah. So this would be... How old are you in this? I'm 24, 23. You can hear it. Ready? Oh, sorry. So this is where my range... I can still go really high, but not this high. You'll hear.

And he has an amazing singing voice. I could go really high. You'll hear it again. Yeah. Go from Liza to Mariah to Brittany. Um... Again... My life is better now. And pizzazz. Because... Yeah, it used to go so high.

I think I was... I don't know which came first. I mean, you have to be musically inclined in some way to perform, but I was always doing impressions as a kid. I can do a ton of Simpsons impressions. I can do... I do a lot of impressions, but then I don't know. Then that kind of... Yeah, I think it works the voice in a way that you can kind of mimic.

So when I started learning how to sing, then I was able to really... catch on quickly to what my voice teacher was explaining to me, voice placement and all this stuff. But my actual classification of my voice is basso profondo, which means like the lowest of the lowest voices. So like, even though my speaking voice is really high, if I was going to actually be in an opera, I'd be...

Like that's where my real voice goes really low, but then it can go really high. So I just have a large vocal range. Now I don't know where my range sits, but it is, I do. I am very proud of that. I have a large vocal range. I've maintained it.

So an octave is this. So like there's seven notes. C, D, E, F, G. It's not Do, Re, Mi, Fa, Sol, La, Ti, Do. Yeah, that's an octave. So then that's an octave. Right. So it's that and then you just do the same. So like an octave in other words is like an octave up will be. So it's the same note an octave higher. You see what I'm saying? So like most singers have like two or three octaves.

So wait, what would be? Okay, so. So sing this note like. Now an octave higher will be. There you go. So that's one octave. I got one octave. Right. And then go. There you go.

Then you just have to extend on that. What's lower than that?

That's, I don't know, my false... We would call it like a super head. Like... You know, I haven't warmed up today, though.

I'd rather make you like... I prefer dry pasta over fresh pasta. Neither one's better. It's just for different sauces. So I wouldn't make you fresh pasta because we don't have a bolognese ready to go. So like a dry pasta is actually more... I prefer dry pasta. One, it can actually be al dente. And two, like I could make you like carbonara, cashew pepper, pasta al pomodoro, like all this stuff.

It's just an easier pasta to use. Fresh pasta is like ravioli, lasagne, fettuccine, tagliatelle, parpadelle, like all the stuff.

Hopefully with like a long cooked like meat sauce, like ragu, like bolognese.

That's fine. Yeah, short rib like ragout. Yeah, that's fine. Some sort of meat base that's been stewing a really long time. Just make sure that you cook that pasta with the sauce. Don't just make the pasta and then put the sauce over it.

You should have a pan and then bring some of the sauce and bring your pasta and bring some of that fresh pasta water and then give it some extra time to cook so that that starchy pasta water can help the sauce stick to the fresh pasta. So that way it marries itself perfectly. Nicely. Otherwise, fresh pasta, people think of it like a sponge with a soup on top. And the pasta is the star.

So don't drown it in sauce. The pasta is the star.

she goes you're a meathead to begin with you're a flintstone character me ice more ice well when i was in mexico a couple a month ago a couple months ago for new year's god what it's almost april okay so for new year's you could hear like i was getting a massage on the beach and i was like speaking spanish my dad's from my grandpa's from the same part of mexico uh puerto vallarta is from jalisco really so yeah i'm a quarter mexican i know but i look like jafar

what do I have now this is I didn't even think I would get here to be honest with you I never thought that's the fucking greatest I never dreamt I mean I'm doing theaters and I get to be with my friends and then I get to go home and play fortnight and I can help support family and friends and that's it I don't know I mean anything that like helps me keep performing on stage I really like

Come on. Jason Wu is a very famous designer. And he became friends with me and he was like, oh, I like your videos. And so we started hanging out. And he was like, at the time, this PR team I was working with sent me the stylist and it wasn't right. And I was at dinner with Jason and he was like, I'll just style you. And so it was so cool.

Like I went into his studio and they had all these like clothes set up and he would have me trying a bunch of different outfits and taking pictures and picking. And he was like, I think that this would look really good.

100%.

I couldn't at the cellar. SD would kill me, but it's my special. There's certain things you have to wear. Yeah, and I will always do what SD tells me to do.

And but anyway, so I was speaking Spanish with this woman, Maria. She's getting a massage. I was super nice and stuff like, oh, my grandpa's from here. Like, I'm also from. And then I just I can hear this like white woman shimmy her way up. She's probably two weeks into dueling. It's a contest. And then her husband goes, I need muy strong hands. I'm like, all of you are fucking pieces of shit.

Well, you're a different category than me.

Yeah. Jacked.

You know, honestly, when I go on stage, even like I'm going to do Radio City, which I'm very nervous about, but please come. Do you know what you're going to wear? I don't know what I'm going to wear, but I feel uncomfortable on stage. I don't like wearing suits ever. I don't ever wear suits. I hate wearing suits. Fuck suits. I know.

I hate wearing suits, but I always just wear t-shirt jeans because I think like... I want to be as comfortable as I can because I want it to feel like we're just hanging out at brunch chit-chatting. So if I'm wearing anything I'm slightly uncomfortable in, I'll only be thinking about that. And so I'm not really like much of a fashion plate in that sense.

But then others like red carpet or whatever, like I go to an event, like dress me however you want.

Yeah. It's about the performance should always be the goal. I think when you're on stage, it should always be about the act. What am I exporting? You know, I've spent a year and a half working on these jokes from working them out of the cellar to on the road and piecing them together. And I don't want anything to get confused because I'm wearing an outfit and

Yeah, he killed it.

immensely to your special because it made you so accessible i kept the background as simple as possible i think a part of me and i shouldn't go here but a part of me also thinks to like and i'm not this is not i'm not victimizing myself in any way shape or form i'm just saying there will be a large majority of people who will tune out immediately because i'm gay I understand that.

I'm not saying it to be like, oh, woe is me. I'm just saying the fact that the sky is blue. I'm not saying everybody... I'm not saying this has been my experience in life. I'm saying this is a large possibility.

And so for me, I just want to... I wanted to be able to have a chance to present my jokes and be taken seriously as a comedian because every interview I do, every show I do, every comic I talk to, it always ends up being like, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay. And I get it. Like, I am.

And I talk about it too, but that's the catch 22 where it's like, I have to talk about it because it's my experience. And then I'm sort of expected to talk, you know, it's, I'm not ashamed of it. I love it. But then sometimes I don't know if I'm being taken seriously or if I'm seeing as serious other comics, this, these are the thought processes that go through my head. We all have those. Sure.

And Maria responds back in perfect English. She's like, okay, well, you know, I'm like with somebody right now. Then the daughter comes up. Yeah, hola. So like, I need like, and then at one point I just turned my head and I was like, guys, what are you doing? I'm trying to relax. And then they're like walking away.

Right. And this is just the corner that I'm in.

Yeah.

And I, I wanted to make sure I kept everything as simple as possible so that we're just focusing on the joke. So if you don't know who I am, you'll just see that I'm just talking about jokes.

And by the way, I just want to preface those listening. This is not me saying that it's not an internalized homophobia that I'm afraid to talk about my sexuality. That is not it. I'm very happy to talk about it. I'm very proud to talk about being gay. I'm talking about the perception of others towards me and the psychological,

mind games you play with yourself when you're trying to also do stand up. I will say to your point, though, you know, I've been asked this question a ton of times. And the reason I always bring up Mario Cantone is because, you know, there's been a lot of famous gay women who I grew up with.

Everyone from Ellen, you know, Judy Gold, to Rosie O'Donnell, to Wanda Sykes, to, you know, Margaret Cho, who's very queer, you know, Schumer. Yeah. Keep going. But, you know, when I was younger, it's not that they weren't there, like Jim David and Rick Crome and Mario Cantone, because there wasn't the accessibility of YouTube and all this stuff.

Those people who were gay men who were performing, I had no access to them. So the first time I ever saw a gay man do stand-up comedy, I was 23. For me, my first access to stand-up to like relate to it, because I never related to it, was Kathy Griffin. Somehow, some way when I was 16, she was speaking stand-up that really resonated with gay men. I mean, really did. Margaret Cho, for sure.

Margaret Cho still has one of my favorite fucking jokes where she talks about her experience on being an all-American girl, the first Asian cast on a sitcom. And so the whole special is about the studio forcing her to lose weight. So she's working out seven days a week. She's doing all these diet drugs, whatever. Her kidneys finally collapsed.

So when she was doing a press conference for her show, this reporter asked her, Ms. Cho, is it true that the network asked you to lose weight to play the part of yourself on your own television sitcom? She goes, the producer grabbed the mic and said, there is no truth in that. I was so hungry. I mean, it's just so funny. That special is so good.

The mom's like, we asked too many questions, but I'll never forget her saying, I need muy strong hands. You fucking idiots. They're all hacks. That's me. Yeah, yeah. Well, let's speak a very basic Spanish to each other. Because my Spanish is like... Say something to me in Spanish.

Finally, when I was in the storyboarding class, I was 21 and Joan Rivers had a special on Bravo, ironically called Before Melissa Pulls the Plug. And... And I was like, oh, well, they always said that Kathy Griffin was like a Joan Rivers. So I watched Joan, but that changed my life. That's when I decided to unlock that. I was like, oh, I meant to be a stand up. It was a calling.

I was like, this is it. This is what I was supposed to do. I never seen someone do that. A 71 year old woman in a fur coat walking out. The first thing she says to her audience, she goes, I don't like certain audiences. I hate ugly people. I hate old people. If you're old and ugly, get up and get out right now. Lesbians, move to the back of the room. Gaze to the front.

I mean, I couldn't believe what she was doing on stage. I still think she's top five greatest comics of all time, Joan Rivers, and doesn't get the credit she deserves. Me and Jim Norton talk about this all the time. She doesn't get the credit she deserves. She's fucking funny. I'd put her up against anybody.

Funny. She has one of my favorite jokes. She's like, my daughter came to me. She goes, Mom, they want me naked from the waist up for $200,000 for Playboy. What do I think? I'll be a good mother. Of course, whatever you think is right. What do I think? Show me your pussy and get another $200,000, you stupid c**t. I'm on the red carpet just screaming these people like a hooker in Miami.

Who the fuck are you? She goes, when she was 16, I should have said, Melissa, come in the library, bring a banana, get on your knees. Mama wants to talk to you. That's what I should have said. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

I know. People like that. That's another one. You'll never get another Joan. I mean, that's a special, special thing.

And you're like, for real? I know. But the internet, that doesn't matter anyway. I mean, you can't do anything. I watch a lot of video game news.

you can't even talk about super metro without comments being like comments are going to show up and by the way you can't you can't what are you going to do it's just it's like what do you know there's sharks in the ocean are you going to stop swimming in the ocean yes i hate the ocean i think we should fill it with chlorine and get rid of everything inside it's an abomination i can't stand it i don't understand i'm not interested in it it's enough it is enough i love the

oh it's enough of the ocean no get out of here i don't care about it i don't care i'll stand by it get tanned i'm not going in it under no circumstances stop it it is so i'm i i'm so sick of the ocean are you and i don't care what it does for the i don't give a shit It's constantly trying to kill us. We've not learned our lessons. Fool me once, forget about it.

Hurricanes and tsunamis and Titanic. It's enough. We found land. That's all my algorithm is, ocean shit. Oh, those dumb ships that are in the middle of the fucking sea and this and that.

And what are you doing that a plane can't do it? Stop it. Make bigger planes. I'm done with the ocean. It's enough. Just demons. Octopus can change color and morph. And even the devil looks at octopus. They're like, whoa, like it is just enough.

Mariah carries high notes and pitbulls. Really? I love pit bulls. I can't get enough of them. Oh, they're just so cute. Pit bulls are pretty fucking awesome. Oh, their little fat heads and their smiles. You know what I hate, though? I hate when you're trying to get into a really cute dog moment and these fucking white women add baby voices to the dogs. Have you seen this?

I think I'm married to one. It's enough. You're trying to get into this cute dog and then all of a sudden you just hear like, Daddy what? Daddy who? The dog can't talk. Let me just enjoy how cute this dog is without this white woman. White woman, it is enough. You talked about this at the beginning of your special. It's enough already. You're not even married to one. No. I mean, I'm exhausted.

They would be so disappointed in me. Why? They would. I would just be crying. They would be like consoling me. They would be like, it's okay, you know. It's what I do. I guess I would love to try, but I would be so disappointed to them. That's the only thing. I'm such a people pleaser. They'd be like, oh, this really didn't go the way.

That's a lot.

I mean, I remember when I was in Puerto Vallarta, Bob, my friend, Bob, the drag queen, he was like, we're going to go to a strip club. I'm so not cool about it. Like everyone else could like, you know, pay money and then they dance on you and they can like be in the fantasy. Literally at one point, Bob has like six strippers around me. I had this stripper, you know, paid him whatever, 700 pesos.

And I'm rubbing his back saying it.

So, and I'm, I'm rubbing his back saying in Spanish, I think a candle business will be great for your future. I just don't have that kind of bravado. I used to be fun at strip clubs, and now... I used to sing in strip clubs. That was before open mics. For real? Yeah, I was 21, and there was this gay...

Okay. Well, it's really simple. Okay. It's like really basic. Hola. Hola. ¿Cómo estás? No, solo como... Bueno, Esther, okay. Pero estoy bien. Gracias. ¿Y tú?

There was this somehow a children's theater program, but the adults to raise money would perform at gay strip clubs around Chicago. And we had like dancers. We had a drag queen who kept saying, I have a 50-50% chance of getting a RuPaul's Drag Race. Statistically, so does my mother. And then we would perform as strippers. So I would be... I remember we were in this one strip club.

We're in the basement. The drag queens powdered her face a thousand... The crust. Powdered her face a thousand times. And there's some Polish guy who doesn't speak English and a jock strap jacking off in a corner who had a tattoo across his chest that said, never give up. I'm like, I think...

we've arrived and um so they would go up and strip and then the drag queens would come out and then I would come out as like while they're changing which I don't know how long it takes to change a g-string but I would come out and I would sing like Mariah Carey and then all these old men would throw peanuts at me like get naked you know and I'm like until forever like it just that was what I did so when I went to open mics I was like well this isn't so scary everyone's wearing clothes

Not so bad.

Yeah.

Okay.

¿Qué haces? Nada. ¿Y tú? Nada.

Yeah, underwear. I prefer briefs.

Yeah, like a Speedo. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or every once in a while, a box of briefs. I guess it depends. Look, I told you, they can't carry anything. I just want to say, Bert, you get gayer and gayer. This is something gay men would wear at the beach in Puerto Vallarta. That looks like a Speedo.

But they also use that for people who put in like, I think I've just saw this. They put in like a fake, like almost like for ball sacks, like in Speedos. I didn't know that this existed, but you can insert them in to kind of give like the shape, like almost like a push-up bra for your dick. I think it's on Amazon. I've not used it. You should have never told me that. They exist.

But what they do is they... Who is making these again? It's...

Okay.

But you've not posted any pictures of these on there? God, look at that body. That's the kind of body I wish I had.

Men's briefs. I love them explaining the technology of the underwear like an infomercial. Remember infomercials in the 90s?

Is that them? To be an underwear model must be such a great life. I would hate it. I'd love it. I'd have to be in shape all the time. But see, at some point, the dick looks so mutilated. First of all, I don't understand what the photoshopping is here. Yeah, I don't know why.

Yeah, you're probably right. But this just looks like they need to seek medical help immediately. I don't know that I find it to be exactly sexy. This is me in them.

But I feel like you do. No. Not like, no. My problem is I have a giant ass. And it sits really high. And I think I have like a pelvic tilt. That's what my sister says. And so what happens is like I can't wear underwear. Like it doesn't go around like that. Like it almost goes like down. It looks like I'm walking like a duck, like Donald Duck. Oh, that's so funny.

This is so fun. Anything else you want to ask before I go? This was so fun. Thank you for having me on. Do you think...

Well, there's a generation of women who were completely misguided by Cosmopolitan Magazine who told them to eat an ice cube beforehand and give them a surprise. I'm like... There's a board writers in the cosmopolitan art. You remember those magazines where it's like things you can do to spice it up for your man. And it was always the worst advice.

Like eat red pepper flakes and then do it's like, no, just anything warm is fine. Put in your toothpaste. Right. No, some sort of horrific, like unnecessary thing.

You can do the hand and the mouth at the same time. Oh, yeah. We'll talk.

wait I just realized that's what George does when I go it's turning into like if you're just like wearing a sash like a leopard print sash and you're in a cave by the way if you ever had the Spanish class churros y chocolate you're like he's gonna ask if he wants to borrow a pencil no no no tengo oh yo tengo solamente un lapiz okay No, pero tú puedes hablar muy bien español.

You're right.

I'm getting a third hair transplant to deal with the stress. Are you serious? Yeah, I'm going to get one in July. I want to get one so bad. They have to finish The Crown. And I might go in a little bit more. I'm enjoying this sort of... Oh, I'm going to be studying that. You know what's so funny? There's a really funny comic, Jay Jordan, because I'm part Mexican.

And when I got a buzz cut, all he did was text me. He goes, now I see it. Thank you. This was so fun. I love you, brother. I love you, too. What fun. That was so fun. Thank you.

Sí, gracias. Lo aprendí porque estaba hablando italiano cuando era más pequeño.

Da. Dosvidanya. I learned that from Anastasia.

Do I... Sisters?

Okay, but sisters.

Okay, the women who are in the house who are... Linda? Linda. Okay, I don't know very well the people who are in this house because it's my first time meeting them. Uh-huh. Did you understand what I said? I'm better in Italian anyways, but like I can say everything I'm thinking and feeling in Spanish and communicate, but then you do it pretty good in Spanish.

I know. Sometimes, well, you know, it's a catch 22, right? Cause it's like, there's, I'm happy to, I'm happy to talk about that. I also talk about that, but then sometimes it's like you do interviews and it's like an hour of it. And like, no, I get it. Like, it's a good, it's a good moment to like, if someone has questions, like I'm happy to answer. Sure. But then also to like, I also write jokes.

I took a semester of Spanish because I went to art school, which is a way, you know, that's not a real school. And I paid a lot for it. What art school did you go to? School of the Art Institute of Chicago. Very prestigious. Yeah. And, but I remember we had to take like normal classes. We always called them normal. It's a pass fail system. So there was no grades.

So I remember I was like, well, I'll just do Spanish 101. So I took it and like maybe three weeks in, my teacher was like, Mateo, can I speak to you? I was like, sure. She goes, do you, do you speak another language? And I go, I do. She goes, what language? I go, Italian. She goes, you should be in Spanish three. Like we were learning colors and numbers and stuff. So for me, I was like, easy pass.

Yeah. All the tests were oral, which joke there, insert joke. But yeah, so it was easy because at that time, my Spanish wasn't even that good, but I could really just kind of speak Italian to her. And she was like, God damn it, this can pass. You know what I mean? It just was so... I was like cheating.

Um, no, because now I got this trainer who like watches everything that I do and I have to like market. So I can't, it's like I've lost my lazy days.

I... Bert, it was almost like you were like, do you know that today is today and tomorrow is tomorrow?

You can still learn. I mean, I think if you took a sabbatical and went to Spain or Mexico for a month and just lived with someone who spoke Spanish, you'd come back way more fluent than you would realize. I'll tell you the problem with that. You don't have time.

Got it. Oh, yeah, Tom. I was speaking. Tom's learning Italian.

uh yeah that's francesco yeah yeah yeah hello i am francesco de carlo and my this there he is he looks italian yeah well also i should have a bomber's jacket on but they don't even believe he's italian people are like all the comments like you're not italian you're you're mexican you're not italian he's like why why does everyone not think i am italian i'm like oh welcome to america that uh i've never been good with accents and you're really good at accents and today i learned the one i was i've always wanted to do and it never made sense i was gay accent no i'm joking really good

Do they really? Yeah. Sometimes like, you know, if I'm like out with friends or something like when I was in Puerto Vallarta, like there's like a bear flag. I was like, we've got a lot of flags. Yeah. Yeah.

You will attract a very specific type of person. You'll hear a lot of men woofing at you.

Yeah, but I wouldn't say you're a muscle bear. I'm a muscle bear. Okay. I've been muscle bear. I don't gay muscle bear.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know, you better work. Yeah. Your dick is really making movement. Yeah. I fluffed. Yeah. Not you putting on your glasses to sort of class this up.

For real? Spanish people think I sound like Mario and Luigi because my accent's so Italian. The French never respond back to French. And I could speak the best French I possibly could, and they always answer back in English. One time, after my show in Paris, this woman was talking. I thought she was Sicilian, and we were speaking French.

I got woof of the week.

Yeah. Oh, maybe it also makes you feel like you're not what you thought you were your whole life.

We're just friends.

Yeah.

Yeah, it would be... I'm so fear-based, but... Then don't ever do it.

It's the casualness. You're like, we want to go back to Coke.

Yeah.

Yeah, I had to come out. I mean, I was working at Michael's. It wasn't like a stretch. You know what I mean? It's hard to be selling glitter and then at the same time trying to be like, hey, you know, like it was pretty obvious. Wait, how old were you? Like 18 when I went to college and then like 21 to my family. My brother had already come out. So it was kind of like he opened the...

And like 15 minutes in the conversation, she's like, Mais vraiment? And I was like, why is she so nice to me? And then I found out she was from Morocco. I was like, well, that's why she's nice. She's not from Paris. And then Germany, forget it. They're just so like, I was like, my friend Francesco Di Carlo always opens for me when we would do, when I do Europe tours.