Matt Rivas
Appearances
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Hey, my name's Matt. You guys ever met a Mexican-Jewish person before? Yeah, I got a cousin, dude. He's Mexican and Jewish. His name's Kike. Spell kike for some people. I don't know why. I love Kike, man. Like, he's so Mexican, he works construction, but so Jewish, he only accepts payment, like, bonds and shit. He's a genius, man. He's an entrepreneur.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
He did all this while managing a coffee shop called Hebrews. Bro, he sold Mexican and Jewish, dude. He built tunnels for both sides. Imagine a narco with a gold gun and some pigtails. Jesus Christ. I love Keeks, man. Keeks is dope. Keeks is chill as fuck. You know, we're older now. You know, he's an idiot. I try to ask him about his whole take on the Israel thing. You know what he said?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
He's like, oh, yo, Israel, y'all in the back right now, he's making tortillas. Yes. Yeah, man. You know, man, I'm a simple man, you know? I'm gonna end it there. I'm done.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Yes, sir. Wow. What do you do for a living? Uh, I work at a smoke shop. Okay. Yeah, here in town, right down the street. Okay. How long have you been doing that for? Actually, I'm about to start tomorrow, man.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Yeah, yeah, actually, yeah. I talked to them today, smoked a blunt with them. They're like, you're hired.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Yeah, I don't want to shout them out. Right. You know, it's a spot. It's like I ran by a bunch of Mormons. They're cool people. They're great people. Fired me, though. Okay. What did they say they fired you for? I didn't show up for work one day. Okay. And then. That'll do it. You know how it is. You know how it is. No. No, I do know how that is. Y'all never got fired? No, I've been fired.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
I'm not talented enough. In the bedroom? How'd you know? Come on now. Takes one to know one. No, I'm terrible. Right there. Fucking get it, bro. This guy gets it. He gets it.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
I'm 95. I'm a little Asian. Okay. Just a little Japanese. Little Japanese. Look at that.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
They're both Mexican like me. What does your dad do for work? He works for the city, actually. What does he do for the city? He's like an HR representative for the APD and stuff like that. Oh, wow. That's incredible. How about your mom? What does she do? She works for the state. Wow.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
No, no, I would never get arrested. Why would Matt get arrested? What? No, I would never get arrested.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Nothing much, man. I'm just doing comedy, trying to stick with it, working. You're not working. Tomorrow. Start tomorrow. At a smoke shop. Yes. Which is literally fucking nothing. No, they sell weed and stuff. It's a nice place. It's classy, established. It's on Fifth Street. Classy, you know.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Big munchie guy. Big munchies. Love eating munchies. Make stupid ass sandwiches. Like what? What's a stupid sandwich? I made a... I like to get spam. You know, custom spam up. Put a sliver of a Kraft single on there. Toast some bread. Wheat bread. Preferably better for the digestive system. You know?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
And then I like to put some honey mustard, maybe some Dijon mustard on there, you know? Maybe a little mayo, just a little.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Well, we don't eat that on a regular basis here. You know, where are you from again? I'm sorry, I'm sorry.