Marvin Izzy
Appearances
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
That's something me and my father used to do, smoke weed and laugh, smoke weed and laugh. But we can't do it no more, because his lungs can't take it like he used to. Because he's dead, right? Smoked so much, he's ashes now. Don't feel bad though, I got a quarter pound of him in my living room. My little sister hit me up, was like, I want some of his ashes so I could put in a locket.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
I was like, I'll sell you one, eight for 60. I want me and my wife to have a kid so I can know what the race of my baby going to turn out to be. I say race because I'm Puerto Rican and my wife is Honduran. So if you use your mixed race calculator, Puerto Rico plus Honduras equals Mexican. Cuban if you carry the one. Y'all think I'm joking, that mixed race calculator for real.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Like if you get a Chinese person and a Jamaican, you get a Filipino. You get an African and a Venezuelan, you get a Haitian. If you get a Colombian and a Cuban, that's just a very serious coke head in front of you. Just letting you know that shit right now. Yeah!
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
This is dope, yo. I'm having a good time, yo. Happy to be here, man. I'm really happy to be here, yo, because tonight's normally the night when me and my wife, we do this thing called Netflix and chill. Y'all heard of that? Where she watches Netflix and I have to go chill somewhere else? Kidding, man. I love my wife, yo. I have to. She makes more money than me. I realize I'm the housewife.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
I noticed this the other night when I was ironing her work clothes, which is messed up because she work from home. I need a new weed dealer, man. Last time I hit my weed dealer up was voice text. I say, yo, you on deck? And I sent it. I ain't know my phone heard, yo, you want dick? So he still serves me weed now. He just don't give me eye contact no more, man.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
And I need weed for, like, you know, tolerate work, man. Like, I can't stand jobs, yo. Like, I don't participate in work functions like Secret Santa's, because I always end up drawing the co-worker I don't like, which is all of them. One time I drew the manager. I ain't know where to get him for Secret Santa, so I got him the best gift I thought I could give him, my two weeks notice.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
I'm gonna be an operations clerk starting this Monday. Operations clerk.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
It's a manufacturing company that made me sign an NDA, so I can't say where they're at. Okay. Yeah, sorry. That's what I'm limited at, and I just need to start this job. Absolutely.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Shit, believe it or not, I'm watered down, bro. I'm not as Puerto Rican as Puerto Ricans should be.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
I don't eat rice and beans. I don't fucking... How many kids do you have? One. Okay. Wow. Incredible. But I did have her when I was 18, so I've still got to, you know. I've got to meet the standards in some way. And do you live with her? Well, no, she's in college now. There it is.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
I was on a red band diet. Look at Red Band. Cocaine and Wendy's? I was trying to get on the Big J diet, but I just, you know... So what were you really doing?
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
What does that mean? Nah, man, it was just unhealthy eatings. Like what? What, what, what? Fast foods, just fucking Popeyes, McDonald's, Burger Kings, fucking... See the thumbs up? The Red Band diet. You see what I mean? You ever do any cardio? That's genetic. I really didn't take care of myself. How old are you? I'm 39.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Nah, real shit. Now you fucking with me. My shoulder does hurt, but I didn't know it was slouching and shit. Like, damn, you got me on that.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Nah, so... Take a step. I came to visit, you know... Visit where? I came to visit Austin for my first time, like, a year ago. I was crashing with David Jolly, and then I came back home, like... Yeah, of course. And then, like, two weeks later, I had the heart attack. Yeah. And then as soon as I got discharged from the hospital, like, the heart attack happened in my house, so, like...
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
I felt weird in the chest, and then it was just like, this don't feel right, and I went to go get some fresh air, and then everything started spinning on me. Immediately, I was like, all right, we're going to the hospital. By the time I tried to get a sweater, because hospitals are cold, Wow. So I tried to get a sweater immediately.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
There was a complete detachment from my brain and my body that I was just like, no, call 911. And they came and picked me up, but they didn't believe that I was having a heart attack. They just thought I was ODing on cocaine.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Were you? No, again, no. Well, hang on. No. As a fat guy, are you blaming the wrong thing here? Is this a little... Nah, real shit, I never did cocaine in my life. I'm a major pothead, but I never did coke.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Yeah, pretty much. But the thing that concerned them was I wasn't, like, hypertension or anything. Like, I'm having this heart attack, but I had low blood pressure. So they wasn't taking my heart attack serious at all.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Well, it was pretty fast. Like, they got me there within, like, 15 minutes, you know. And the doctor's like, it's a heart attack. No, they was observing and trying to rule out everything first.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
I guess. Yeah, they didn't take it seriously. At some point, you know, they was just looking like, how much cocaine have you done? And I'm like, you know, my name's not Tony Hinchcliffe. Shots fired. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. You got me.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Nah, but after some point, they had to just rule it in. It was like, yeah, you're having a heart attack. So they admitted me, and they ran a procedure where they placed a stent in my artery, because it was the LAD artery, which is known as the widowmaker, so I'm not supposed to be standing here.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Yeah. They ran it through my wrist, which I'm happy, because they said if they can't run it through your wrist, they run it through your nuts. And I was like, well, I have two wrists and two balls. Let's just try each wrist first.
KILL TONY
#709 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + BILL MAHER
Yeah, and I'm here to tell y'all about that. So, big ups.