Mario Alejandro Zapata Diaz
Appearances
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
I don't know if you guys can tell, but I used to be Hispanic. Yeah. My full name is Mario Alejandro Zapata Diaz. Yeah. You know who gives me the most shit about being pale is other Hispanic people. They're always like, why are you so pale? And I'm like, well, my family flew here. HBO is remaking Harry Potter.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Fans are concerned because they want to cast a black actor as Snape because in the book it says Askaban, not Axkaban. I think that the reason the word retarded is such an offensive word is because so many people are, you know? Thank you. Thank you.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
How long have you been doing stand-up? 11 years. What do you do for work?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
You have to be unemployable. Once you've fucked everything up, porn opens you with open legs. Wow, absolutely. That was a bit, I'm sorry. I'll answer the question. I'm nervous, sorry. Yeah, we might not give you the big joke, but guys.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
I got kicked out of the military for international drug smuggling. Wow. What types of drugs did you smuggle? Ecstasy. From where? From where? Well, I didn't smuggle them, but, like, I paid for them to be smuggled. Okay. And I sold some of them. Yeah, yeah. Anti-climactic, sorry. Amazing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you have kids? They take forever to die. No, no kids, no kids.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
I'm too selfish for kids, I'm sorry. Okay, so where do you shoot your load when you pull out? Anywhere, anywhere. I'm just happy to be shooting loads. All right.